A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayIf a farmer was only able to choose between buying a cow or a tractor, what should he pick? On one hand, he would look funny riding on a cow. On the other hand, he would look funnier trying to milk a tractor.

Teacher: “ Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, ‘geometry.’”Johnny: “A little acorn grew and grew until it fnally awoke one day and said, ‘Gee, I'm a tree.’”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayWhen you lied on your resume

about having previous sheepdog experience:

One day a man was driving down a back country road when he noticed a four-legged chicken running alongside his car. He stepped on the gas, but at 50 mph the chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile, the chicken ran up a dirt lane and into a barn behind an old farm house. The man had some time to kill, so he turned around and drove up the lane. He knocked at the door, and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen. The farmer said that he was a scientist, and had developed this breed ofchicken because he, his wife and two kids all like a drumstick when they have chicken, and this way they only have to kill one chicken. “That’s marvelous,” said the man. “How do they taste?” “Don't know,” said the farmer. “Never caught one.”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayMy family, along with a bunch of other relatives, were driving in the funeral procession for my late great aunt.My daughter, who always thinks about the morbid things in life, raised the dreaded question, “Dad, what’s going to happen to us when you die?” My son, busily texting on his phone, answered without missing a beat, “We’ll go in the limousine dummy.”

If women do the same job for less money, why do companieshire men to do the same job for more money? It's a

puzzlement!

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of applepie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, “He ain't much of a man, is he?” “He's not much of a driver, either,” the waitress said. “He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles.”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayAn angry man stormed into the forist shop. “I just lost one of my biggest clients and it’s your fault!” “Please calm downa bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what happened.” “Well,” said the man “My client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some fowers with a note saying ‘Congratulations on your new location.”’He calls me up andsays, ‘What’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “Rest in Peace”?!’” “Oh no!” she sighed, “now I know why Igot a nasty message from the funeral parlor!”

Q. How do you communicate with a fsh? A. You drop it a line.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayAn old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.Dear Dad:For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning,FBI agents and local Policeshowed up and dug up theentire area without fndingany bodies. They apologizedto the old man and left.That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.Love, Bubba

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayThere were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.” The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”

They walk over to the restaurant, theguy with the Doberman Pinscher putson a pair of dark glasses and he startsto walk in. The bouncer at the doorsays, “Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.”The man with the Doberman Pinschersays, “You don't understand. This ismy seeing-eye-dog.” The bouncer says,“A Doberman Pinscher?” He answers,“Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too.” The man at the door says, “Come on in.”

The buddy with the Chihuahua fgures, “What the heck.” So he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the bouncer says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer at the door says, “A Chihuahua?” The man with the Chihuahua says, “A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA religious woman, upon waking up each morning, would open her front door stand on the porch and shout, “Praise the lord.” This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no God.” One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food. Thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady shouted, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbor, laughing so hard he could barely get the words out, yelled, “It wasn’t the Lord, it was me.” The lady without missing a beat proclaimed, “Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!“

You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do.That privilege is reserved for my wife.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to ridthe company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at himand said, “I make $400 a week. Why?” The CEO said,”Wait right here.” He walked back to his offce, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyonewant to tell mewhat that goof-ball did here?”From across theroom a voicesaid, “Sure – hewas the deliveryguy fromDomino’s Pizzaand was justwaiting tocollect themoney!”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA proud and confdent genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000.” The idiot says, “Okay.” The genius then asks, “How many continents are there in the world?” The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, “Now I’ll ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?”

The genius tries andsearches very hard for the answer but fnally gives up and reluctantly gives him the $5,000. Thegenius says, “Dang it, I lost. By the way,what was the answerto your question?” The idiot hands himanother $5.

Went to the Space Museum. But there was nothing there.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

A man asked a genie to make him desirable to allwomen. So he was turned into a credit card.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayTwo blondes were on their way to Disneyland and came to

a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."So they went home.

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him ftted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayNASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was thatonly one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the frst applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my university.” The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. “Two millions dollars,” the doctor said. “I want to give a

million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in

the interviewer's ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, “You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll sendthe engineer.”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayWhen I was a kid, I wanted to be older.

This is not what I expected.

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?” The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”

Marvin had been fshing all day without any luck. On the way home he stopped at a fsh market and said to the clerk, “Please stand there and throw me a few of your biggest trout.” The clerk was puzzled. “Throw them to you? What for?” “I may be a lousy fsherman,” Marvin replied, “but I’m no liar. I want to be able to say I caught them myself.”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do youwant, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you takethe quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game isover!”

Three men – aFrenchman, anItalian, and a Jew –were condemned to beexecuted. Theircaptors told them thatthey had the right tohave a fnal meal before the execution. The Frenchman said, “Give me some good French wine and French bread.” They gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian’s turn. Give me a big plate of pasta,”said the Italian. So they brought it, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew’s turn. “I want a big bowl of strawberries, ” said the Jew. “Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!” “So, I’ll wait…”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims to the whole table, “What rotten luck I've hadtoday! What in the world should I do now?” A man standing next to her suggests, “Why don't you play your age?” He walks away, but moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the foor, with the table operator kneeling over her. Stunned, the man asks, “What happened? Is she all right?” The operator replies, “I don't know. She put all her money on 36, and when 47came up she just fainted!”

My friend’s bakeryburned down last night. Now his business is toast.

My wife and I are going to a Jamaican party. She told me she wants her hair braided. I'm dreading it.

O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Welbers’ Corollary: Murphy was a Catholic.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayThe seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor." "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

Patient 1: “Why did you run away from the operation table?”Patient 2: “The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, things like that.”Patient 1: “So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?”Patient 2: “She was talking to the surgeon!”

Every group of friends has that one stupid friend. Lookaround you, you’ll fnd one. If you cant fnd one …well...

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayI couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare toDenver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied. “And what about Salt Lake City?” “We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said, “but there is a stopover.” “Where?” “In Denver,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” said the clerk in fower shop, “we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?” Replied the customer sadly, “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”

After Mass on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.”“That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”“Well,” said the boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I fgure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your Day

During jury selection for a trial, the judge asked potential Juror number twelve if there was any reason he could not bea fair and impartial juror. “There may be, Your Honor,” hereplied. “Juror number one is my ex-wife, and if we were onthe same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree onanything.” Both were excused.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayDriving to work, I had to swerve to avoid a box that fell outof the truck in front of my car. Seconds later, a policeman pulled me over for reckless driving. I told him about the box, and he went back and retrieved it. It contained large upholstery tacks. I was relieved that I hadn’t run over it andruined my tires. But the offcer said, “I’m sorry, sir, but I’m still going to have to write you a ticket. “What for?” I said in amazement. He replied, “Tacks evasion.”

I tried to speak the hamster language. But the translation got all gerbiled.

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your Day

Forget the worm …I want coffee!

The early bird may get the worm,but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A man was annoyed when his wife told him that acar had backed intoher, damaging a fender, and that shehadn't gotten the license number.

“What kind of car was he driving?” the husband asked. “I don't know,” she said. “I never can tell one car from another.At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfed that she could recognize every make. It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face... “Darling,” she said proudly. “I justhit a Buick!”

A man asked his young son, “Greg, do you think I’m a bad father?”

“Dad, my name is Andrew,” replied his son.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA police offcer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding.“But, Offcer,” the man protested, “I can explain.”“Be quiet,” ordered the offcer. “You can sit in jail until the chief gets back.” “But, sir, I just wanted to say...” “I told you to stay quiet! You’re going to jail!” A couple of hours later the offcer checked in on the man and said, “You’re lucky that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.” “I doubt that,” answered the prisoner. “I’m the groom.”

“I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayAlthough this married couple enjoyed their luxury fshing boat together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his wife, “Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore.” She was initially surprised and fustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him, “OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes.”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayHow did we get to the point where we’re paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guys sitting there, like, “How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.”

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.Cop: “Do you know where you were going?”Blonde: “No, but wherever it is, it must be really bad because all the cars were leaving.”

The drinking age should be eighteen. When you're eighteen you're old enough to vote. You shouldbe old enough to drink. Look who we have to vote for! You

need a drink!

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayAn old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road,hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground. Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, please help me get up on myhorse!” With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side. From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. A passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog. The cowboy answered, “Well, somebody told me to get along little doggie.”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayStock Market Report:

Helium was up,feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubingwas dimmed in lighttrading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fzzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were infated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayTEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

You know that little flter inside your head that keeps youfrom saying things you shouldn’t? I don’t have one of those.

Did you get a haircut? No, I got ‘em all cut.

Musician: someone who packs $5000 worth of gear into a30-year-old car and drives 100 miles to make $50.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA Chinese Doctor can't fnd a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside:

“GET TREATMENT FOR $20IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.”

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”Doc: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.”Lawyer: “Ugh. this is kerosene.”

Doc: “Congrats, your sense of taste is back. Give me $20.”The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”Doc: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”Lawyer (annoyed): “No, that’s kerosene. You gave it to me last time for restoring my taste.”Doc: “Congrats. You got your memory back.Give me $20.”The fuming lawyer pays him, and thencomes back a week later determined to getback $100.Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weakI can't see at all.'Doc: “ I don't have any medicine for that. Take this $100.”Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!!”Doc: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your Day“If you need anything, my name’s Joe.”

“What’s you name if we don’t need anything.”

You: “What are you up to?”Me: “About 5’10”.”

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

I don’t understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1964, but I can’t remember why I walked into the kitchen?

I Am a Seenager (Senior Teenager)I have everything I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years

later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get anallowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a

curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. Thepeople I hang around with aren’t afraid of getting

pregnant. . . . And I don’t have acne.