("Alive and Unwell" Pilot)

by

(Mario G & Daryl P.)

Has Been Drinking Productions

714-274-5716

(CONTINUED)

FADE IN:

INT. DAX'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Two MEN and two WOMEN are standing around, drinking and chatting in a messy, dim-lit living room. The movie "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" is playing on a nearby television but the sound is turned off and no one is paying any attention to it. Old school FUNK MUSIC is playing in the b.g.

VICTORIA, an sexy brunette in her mid 20's, lights a cigarette and blows a cloud of white smoke toward the ceiling.

VICTORIA

So, how long have you known Dax?

MARLON, late 20's, lowers a goblet of wine from his lips.

MARLON

Um, shit, a long time. Since we were kids, actually. What about you?

VICTORIA

I just met him today.

MARLON

Today? Really?

VICTORIA

Yeah. I actually live next-door. But I just moved in like a week ago.

MARLON

Oh yeah? From where?

VICTORIA

Well, I'm originally from Eugene.

MARLON

Oh, OK. Nice. Yeah, Saul and I just drove up from Orange County.

VICTORIA

Orange County. Wow. I heard it's really nice there.

MARLON

It sucks ass.

2.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

VICTORIA

Oh. Um. I'm sorry.

MARLON

It's cool.

(sipping his wine)

So how are you liking the city so far?

VICTORIA

SF? I love it. I've wanted to move here since I was like ten years old.

MARLON

Oh yeah? So what are you like a dyke or something?

VICTORIA Excuse me?

MARLON

Eugene, huh? Far out. That's in Mexico, isn't it?

VICTORIA

Uh, no. It's in Oregon.

MARLON

Oh the states? Really? Hmmm, I did not know that.

Awkward silence.

VICTORIA

So... how was the drive from Orange County?

SAUL, late 20's, sidles up to Victoria and snakes his arm across her shoulders. He is holding a can of beer and wearing a dirty white T-shirt two sizes too large that reads "Pussy magnet."

SAUL

The drive? Fucking beautiful. Not a care in the world.

Victoria cringes and steps away.

3.CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

MARLON

Beautiful? We went to fucking jail, man. It took us like three days to get here.

SAUL

(smiling and nodding)

Exactly.

VICTORIA

Are you serious? You guys got arrested? For what?

MARLON

DUI. Well, I got a DUI. I was the one driving.

CUT TO:

INT. MARLON'S CAR - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

Marlon and Saul are flying down the freeway in an old beat up sedan. Marlon is behind the wheel with a goblet of wine in his hand. Saul is riding shotgun, holding a beer and punching the ceiling of the car. The car stereo is blasting gangster rap and they are both celebrating at the top of their lungs.

A highway patrol car appears in Marlon's back window. The lights start flashing.

EXT. FREEWAY SHOULDER - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

Marlon's car is pulled over with the patrol car parked a few yards back.

The OFFICER, mid 40's with a moustache, exits his vehicle and walks toward Marlon's car, flashlight in hand. Marlon rolls down his window as the officer approaches.

The officer leans over and flashes his light on Marlon's face.

OFFICER

License and registration please.

MARLON

What seems to be the problem, Officer uh...

Marlon looks at the cops name tag, which reads LT. SCHWANER.

4.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

MARLON (CONT'D)

Schwaner, is it?

Saul desperately tries to hold back his laughter.

SCHWANER

License and registration please.

MARLON

Officer Schwaner huh? No shit? That's an interesting last name you got there. What is that, German?

Saul is struggling to keep his composure.

SCHWANER

Sir? Are you going to cooperate here? Or are we going to have a problem?

MARLON

No, it's just... Schwaner is such a badass name, ya know? I'm actually jealous of it. Sounds like a male stripper's name. It's amazing.

Officer Schwaner shines the light on Marlon's lap and sees an open bottle of wine.

SCHWANER

You fellas been drinking tonight?

MARLON

Huh? Drinking? No. We're just uh -

Officer Schwaner points his flashlight at Saul, who is now turning red, trying not to explode.

SCHWANER

Sir? Are you OK?

Marlon looks over at Saul.

MARLON

Jesus. What the hell's your problem Saul? Officer Schwaner is talking to you.

Saul erupts with laughter, spitting beer all over Marlon and Officer Schwaner's face.

5.CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

Officer Schwaner stands there with his eyes closed while beer drips down his moustache.

SCHWANER

Out of the car.

CUT TO:

DAX'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (REAL TIME)

Marlon continues his story while Saul drinks his beer and eyeballs Victoria.

MARLON

It was complete bullshit. I only had like half a bottle of wine.

Victoria's friend JENNIFER, an attractive Blonde chick in her early 20's, speaks up from the couch.

JENNIFER

Wait, you actually had an open bottle of wine in your lap while you were driving?

MARLON

Well yeah! Where else was I gonna put it? The floor? Get real.

Saul finishes his beer and tosses the empty can at the trash can but it misses and rattles to the floor.

Saul puts his arm around Victoria again, looking her up and down and nodding his head.

SAUL

Me and you should run away together.

VICTORIA

(to Marlon) Um, you wanna do something about your friend here?

MARLON

Ah, don't worry about him. He's just sizing you up. Saul has a thing for older women.

VICTORIA

Excuse me?

6.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

DAX, late 20's, comes stumbling out of the hallway and into the living room with a plastic bong in one hand and a barbecue lighter in the other.

DAX

What are you assholes talking about? Someone get me a beer. Shit.

He drags himself to a computer desk in the corner of the room and plops down in the desk chair.

MARLON

Hey, it's the birthday boy. About time you came out. I was just telling your neighbor here about how Saul and I got arrested on -

DAX

You should sue the balls off those bastards. They had no right locking you guys up like that. So you had a little wine and some herb? What's the big deal?

JENNIFER

I thought you said all you guys had was alcohol?

MARLON

I had wine... Saul had some beer and some weed. I think we might have been on acid too, now that I think about it.

DAX

It's a fucking outrage. Did you get the cops badge number?

MARLON

Badge number?

Marlon reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a small wine bottle like the ones they serve on airplanes. He unscrews the cap and starts to refill his goblet.

MARLON (CONT'D)

Nah, I was too wacked out on painkillers to even think of it. But the cops last name was Schwaner. Officer Schwaner.

7.CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

DAX

What?

MARLON

(tossing the empty bottle into the trash)

The cops name, it was Officer Schwaner.

DAX

Schwaner?

MARLON

Yeah.

DAX

Jesus. Sounds like a dick.

SAUL

(Cracking open another beer)

He was. He was a real Schwaner.

There is a loud KNOCK on the front door.

Saul lets out a shriek and leaps for cover beside the couch.

DAX

Mother of balls. Now everybody just calm the fuck down. It's probably just Wendell from upstairs. He said he might stop by.

More knocking.

DAX (CONT'D)

(shouting)

Wendell, is that you?

VOICE (O.S.)

(shouting)

Yeah muthafucka it's me!

DAX

(shouting)

Yeah. Come on in. It's open.

The door opens and in strolls WENDELL, a black dude in his late 30's. He is wearing a purple velvet shirt with a picture of a giant black panther mauling a white cop on the back. His huge rhinestone belt-buckle is in the shape of a "W."

8.CONTINUED: (3)

(CONTINUED)

WENDELL

What's happening, baby?

Dax stands up to greet Wendell. They exchange a complicated handshake.

WENDELL (CONT'D) What it is, what it is. Birthday boy, what's crackin on the home-front playa?

DAX

Nothin much, man. Just hittin the B and throwin back a few beers. My buddies from Orange County are up for the -

(to Marlon)

Wait. How long are you guys up here for?

MARLON

What's poppin Wendell? I'm Marlon.

Marlon shuffles over to Wendell and tries the same complicated handshake but it falls apart halfway through.

WENDELL

My man.

Wendell notices the girls.

WENDELL (CONT'D)

Shit Jack, you got some party freaks up in this bitch.

Wendell licks his lips and rubs his hands together.

WENDELL (CONT'D)

Wassup ladies?

The girls give Wendell the "Oh no you didn't" look.

WENDELL (CONT'D)

(looking around)

Where's yo other homeboy Dax? I thought you said you had a couple dudes up here from the OC? All I see is this purple-lipped muthafucka. What gives, baby?

Jennifer grabs Victoria by the hand and starts inching toward the hallway.

9.CONTINUED: (4)

JENNIFER

Um, Victoria and I need to use the ladies room for a sec. We'll be back.

The girls disappear through the hallway.

Marlon sits back down on the couch. He peers over the armrest and sees Saul passed out on the floor, smiling.

MARLON (O.S.)

Man down. Jesus, look at that smile. That shit will haunt me in my sleep.

DAX'S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - NIGHT

Victoria is touching up her make-up in front of the bathroom mirror while Jennifer sits on the toilet, peeing.

JENNIFER

We need to get the hell out of here. These guys are such losers. I mean, what are we even doing here?

VICTORIA

I know, I know. But like I said, that guy Dax stopped me in the hallway and invited me over. I wanted to say no but I panicked.

JENNIFER

Yeah well, he's a fucking druggy. And his friends are even worse. That Saul guy looks like a sex offender.

VICTORIA

I know, trust me. But I don't really want to be rude to these guys either. Let's just stay for a few minutes. Then we'll go clubbing and meet some GOOD looking guys, OK?

JENNIFER

(flushing the toilet)

Fine, but let's be quick about it. I don't know how much more creepiness I can take in one night.

10.

(CONTINUED)

DAX'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The girls walk back into the living room to find the guys (minus Saul) gathered around the coffee table, cracking up.

WENDELL

So I'm kicking this guy in the head right? And his friend is just standing there watching the shit happen. I mean - speechless - like he thinks he's having a nightmare and shit...

The fellas look over and see the girls standing there.

WENDELL (CONT'D)

Yeah. So uh - it was... it was cool, man. We had a good time and shit.

The guys stare awkwardly.

SAUL (O.S.)

Let's get naked and play a drinking game. I feel like kicking out the jams.

Saul appears out of nowhere with his arm once again around Victoria's shoulders. He is wearing only his boxers.

CUT TO:

DAX'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

The guys are still sitting around the coffee table. Wendell is playing with his cell phone, and Saul is still half-naked.

DAX

Good riddance. Those chicks were bumming me out.

MARLON

Why? Cuz they wanted nothing to do with you?

DAX

Fuck you.

11.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

MARLON

What the hell? Now what are we supposed to do? Those girls were all we had going.

(gestures to Saul)

Now we gotta sit and drink with nipple-boy over here.

SAUL

(examining his chest)

Yeah. I'm nipple boy. Areolas.

WENDELL

Yo Dax, Jasper told me that you been crazy into gambling lately. That shit true?

DAX

What are you talking about?

WENDELL

Yeah man. He said that you stay up for days at a time playing online poker and shit. He thinks you might have a problem, man.

DAX

Oh yeah? And what business is it of his? Or yours even? And what the fuck is he doing spreading rumors about me in the first place? He's the fucking gambling junkie. Not me.

WENDELL

Damn, baby. Did I strike a nerve?

DAX

Just mind your own business, alright? And when you talk to Jasper, tell him to do the same.

WENDELL

Money is my business, Jack. And by the way, you still owe me sixty dollaz for that eighth of weed I fronted yo ass last week.

DAX

What? Oh shit. That's right.

12.CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

WENDELL

Mmm hmm. Thought I was gonna forget about that shit, huh?

DAX

No. I -

WENDELL

Big dub forgets nothin, baby. NOTHIN! My brain is like a steel trap... catchin niggaz slippin and shit. Just when you think you passed one off on ya boy - BAM! I jump out like a fuckin mongoose, clawin and tearin and shit! Sinkin my claws and fangs in that ass, rippin it up and tearin yo whole life to pieces and shit! And over what? Some money? Some fuckin salad and herbs and shit?

DAX

Wendell, Jesus, calm down.

WENDELL

Shit! Niggaz be tryin to play nigga for his herb, Jack! Big dub ain't playin that shit, baby.

(pointing over his shoulder)

You seen my shirt right?

DAX

Yeah.

WENDELL

That's a true story muthafucka! That black panther is ME! Maulin cops, startin riots! Bringin panic to the streets! Permanent midnight baby! Permanent darkness! On the real.

Everyone is quiet.

DAX

So can I pay you later then or what?

WENDELL

Yeah it's cool.

13.CONTINUED: (3)

(CONTINUED)

MARLON

(to Dax)

Hey, how much money do you think you make in a week of gambling?

DAX

Huh? I don't know. Why?

MARLON

No reason. Just making conversation. But seriously, how much do you think? A thousand? Two thousand?

DAX

What do you care? Even if I did make that much, I wouldn't tell your dumb ass about it.

SAUL

(slapping Marlon on the knee)

Shit yeah! I told you we'd be set for cash once we got here. Between Dax's gambling and his student loans, we're good to go.

DAX

What the fuck are you talking about? Set for cash?

MARLON

(sipping his wine)

Don't worry about it.

DAX

Don't worry about what?

MARLON

Hey, turn up the TV. When animals attack is on. Wendell, you'll like this shit.

DAX

Don't change the subject. What are you two fuckers up to?

14.CONTINUED: (4)

(CONTINUED)

MARLON

Huh? Oh, it's nothing really. We were just worried that you'd be stressing about us showing up here and living off you for a while. But now that you're making cash...

(shaking his fist)

We will crush them all.

DAX

Hold up. What do you mean live off me for a while? You guys can't fucking live here. I barely have - you can't be fucking serious?

SAUL

Serious as cancer of the balls. Where do I sleep?

MARLON

Chill out, D. We're your friends, man. We're your buddies. It'll be fun. We'll fucking party, man. It'll be like one big fucking party... except that we never leave... and you have to pay for everything.

DAX

Wait. Let me explain something to you. First of all, I have no fucking money, OK? Jasper is right. I've been gambling like crazy. I blew all my student loans for rest of the year.

MARLON

(pause)

I don't believe you.

DAX

Believe it motherfucker. Twenty grand.

WENDELL

Twenty grand? Goddamn.

DAX

Yeah. Which I'm still fucking bent out of shape over. So -

15.CONTINUED: (5)

(CONTINUED)

WENDELL

How the fuck do you blow that kind of cabbage, Jack? Tell me you got yo joint worked on or somethin, muthafucka. Don't break a black man's heart now.

DAX

(putting his head in his hands)

No. I fucking gambled that shit away online.

WENDELL

You what! Baby, I will beat you to death with my dick, Jack. You tellin me you gambled all that shit away sitting at your computer?

SAUL

Don't make a black man pull out his Schwaner now.

MARLON

Dax. We drove all the way up from Orange County. For your fucking birthday. To make sure that you have a good time...

SAUL

And to live off you.

MARLON

And to live off you. And now you're fucking telling me that you blew all our fucking money?

DAX

Our fucking money? Wait a minute. You actually think that you can just show up here and -

Wendell's cell phone CHIRPS. He fiddles with the number pad.

WENDELL

Speak of the J-man and the J-man appears. Jasper just text messaged me, man. He says to go online and shit.

Dax gets off the couch and plops back down at the computer desk.

16.CONTINUED: (6)

(CONTINUED)

He clicks the mouse and a small window appears on the screen. In the window, we see JASPER, a dude in his early 30's, on his webcam.

JASPER (WEBCAM)

What's up fellas?

DAX

What do you want Jasper?

JASPER (WEBCAM)

Nada. Nada damn thing. Where the girls at?

DAX

Gone. Out the door and out of our lives forever. Until I see Victoria in the hallway, of course.

JASPER (WEBCAM)

Jesus. What happened?

DAX

Saul. That's what happened. Him and his damn areolas.

JASPER (WEBCAM)

Areolas? What, like flowers?

DAX

Flowers?

JASPER (WEBCAM)

Yeah. Areolas are flowers, aren't they? Like a type of flower?

DAX

What the fuck are you talking about?

JASPER (WEBCAM)

What the fuck are you talking about?

DAX

Areolas are nipples, man. Or the skin around them or some shit.

JASPER (WEBCAM)

Nipples? Jesus. I've been throwing that word around for years not even knowing what it meant. Shit, this changes everything.

17.CONTINUED: (7)

(CONTINUED)

DAX

What do you want Jasper? We're kind of in the middle of something here.

(to Marlon)

SOMETHING I STILL CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE!

(to Jasper)

So is it cool if I hit you up after I talk to these assholes.

JASPER (WEBCAM)

Nah man. Leave it on. I want to hear this.

MARLON

Yo D, how much can someone win in an online poker tournament?

DAX

What? I don't know. A lot. Like fifty grand, I guess. Sometimes more. It depends on the tournament. Why?

MARLON

(shrugging)

Then it's all good. We'll just sign you up for a tournament and we'll win a bunch of cash.

DAX

(sarcastic)

That's a great fucking plan, Marlon. Fucking brilliant. I don't know why I didn't think of it.

MARLON

Thanks.

DAX

First of all, you asshole, the chances of winning one of those tournaments are practically zero. And second of all, where would I even get the money to buy in? I've borrowed all I can. I owe this guy Bernard like five grand.

MARLON

Ah, never mind those subtleties. Let's just focus on winning the cash.

18.CONTINUED: (8)

(CONTINUED)

DAX

Winning the cash - Wow, I don't even know what to fucking say to that.

(to Wendell)

What do you think of all this?

WENDELL

That's a good fucking plan.

SAUL

That's what I'm talking about.

DAX

(pause)

Jesus. I need another fucking beer.

SAUL

So... what did those girls say about me while I was passed out? They want to jump my bones or what?

WENDELL

Man, them bitches be hot, Jack. That Victoria girl got a gang of ass, baby. Big dub gonna let the snake out the cage. Believe that.

Marlon takes the last gulp of his wine and then stares at his empty glass.

MARLON

Jesus. You got any more wine in this dump?

DAX

(staring into space)

Huh? I... I don't know. All I know is that I have to take a shit.

Dax gathers himself up and wanders off toward the bathroom, looking like a prisoner on his way to his execution.

He disappears in the hallway.

SAUL

What's his problem?

MARLON

Ah, don't worry about him. He's got a lot on his mind. He's a sensitive guy.

19.CONTINUED: (9)

(CONTINUED)

WENDELL

He's gonna drown himself in that toilet, Jack.

MARLON

You think?

JASPER (WEBCAM)

Probably. He's been acting weird lately. Like paranoid.

MARLON

Paranoid? What do you mean?

Suddenly, there is a loud, exaggerated POUNDING on the front door.

The gang is startled. They glance around at each other.

WENDELL

Dax expecting more company?

MARLON

I have no idea.

SAUL

It's probably those girls. They can't stand to be away from me.

More POUNDING.

MARLON

(quietly)

Wendell, go see who it is.

WENDELL

Sheeit. I got warrants, baby. You go see who it is.

MARLON

(quietly)

Hey Saul, go talk to your women. One of them might be your soul mate.

SAUL

Good idea.

Saul jumps to his feet and strolls right up to the door.

20.CONTINUED: (10)

(CONTINUED)

SAUL (CONT'D)

Hold on sluts. Your lover approaches.

Saul looks through the peephole.

SAUL (CONT'D)

Aw man. There's no one there.

MARLON

Are you sure?

SAUL

Yeah. No sluts anywhere. Come see for yourself.

Saul backs off while Marlon walks up to the peephole and takes a look.

MARLON

Huh. You're right. There's no - Wait. What the fuck? What is that?

WENDELL

Is it the cops? Tell me it ain't the goddamn cops.

MARLON

Jesus. It looks like... yeah, it looks like someone left one of those little garden gnomes in front of the door.

WENDELL

Say what?

MARLON

Yeah. You know those little fucking garden gnomes people put in front of their houses? There's one sitting out there in the hall.

WENDELL

Man, what the - Yo Jasper, you put that thing there to fuck with us?

JASPER (WEBCAM)

Nah man. I haven't left my apartment in months.

MARLON

Should I go get -

21.CONTINUED: (11)

(CONTINUED)

More POUNDING. This time it's louder and faster. Marlon leaps back in terror.

MARLON (CONT'D)

What the fuck!

The DOORKNOB begins to turn. The guys look on in horror.

The door creaks open, revealing what looks like a MIDGET standing motionless in the doorway. The midget is BERNARD. He stands about four feet tall and is wearing an eye patch. The baseball bat in his hand reads "Louisville Slugger" on the fat end of it.

BERNARD

Where's Dax Paglio?

SAUL

Holy balls, did that thing just speak?

BERNARD

Where's Dax Paglio? I want my money.

WENDELL

Man alive. This is some twisted ass shit, Jack.

BERNARD

Where's Dax, you fucking shit-birds?

MARLON

Um, he uh -

BERNARD

(pointing the bat at Marlon)

Get to talking, you swine. Or I'll fucking brain your sorry ass.

WENDELL

Saul, go get Dax, man. Tell him to get his monkey ass out here, pronto.

Saul inches toward the hallway, keeping a close eye on Bernard.

Bernard waddles into the apartment and spits a huge wad of phlegm right in Marlon's face.

22.CONTINUED: (12)

(CONTINUED)

Marlon just stands there, bewildered, while the phlegm oozes down his nose.

BERNARD

That was a freebie. The next one is gonna cost ya.

WENDELL

Hey man. We all just chillin. No need for aggression now. We cool.

BERNARD

I'll decide who's cool and who's not, you filthy prick.

DAX (O.S.)

What the hell are you doing, Saul? I was in the middle of dropping a deuce, man. Let go of my fucking arm. Why are -

Saul blunders into the room, holding Dax by the arm. Dax sees Bernard.

DAX (CONT'D)

Oh fuck.

BERNARD

Oh fuck is right. Hello Dax. Pinching one off, were we? How sweet.

DAX

(sounding desperate)

Bernard! How - how's it going, man? You're looking good. What - what's with the bat? You just come from the batting cages or something?

BERNARD

Cut the shit, Paglio. I want my money.

DAX

You're money! Oh right. Well, you see - It's kind of an ironic story. I - I don't really - It's not... uh... How do I say this?

Bernard waddles up to Dax and glares up at him.

23.CONTINUED: (13)

(CONTINUED)

BERNARD

You say it like this...

(exaggerated voice)

Here's your money, Bernard. It was a pleasure doing business with you, Bernard. Thank you so much for lending me this money. Thank you for not beating me to death in front my faggot friends, Bernard.

Dax's eyes are like golf balls as he looks down at Bernard.

The gang stares on in disbelief.

BERNARD (CONT'D)

So. Dax. Where's my five grand?

DAX

I don't have it... right now.

BERNARD

Wrong answer.

DAX

I'll get it.

BERNARD

When?

DAX

Give me two weeks.

BERNARD

Hmmm. Let's see here. What if I just decide to break a rib or two right now and give you until tomorrow to give me my fucking money? How does that sound?

JASPER (O.S.)

Sounds horrible.

BERNARD

(looking around)

What the fuck was that?

DAX

It was nothing. Bernard, listen. I'll get you your money. I swear to God, man.

24.CONTINUED: (14)

(CONTINUED)

BERNARD

Yeah. I know you will.

Bernard glances over at Marlon who's still standing there with phlegm on his face.

BERNARD (CONT'D)

Clean your face you fucking degenerate.

Marlon wipes his face with his shirt.

BERNARD (CONT'D)

(to Dax)

You're friends look like a bunch of pussies.

Wendell rolls his eyes and lights a smoke.

Saul just stands there and gawks.

DAX

Funny, I was thinking the same thing.

BERNARD

(to Saul)

Nice areolas, asshole.

Saul blinks.

BERNARD (CONT'D)

(to Dax)

You have two weeks. If you don't have my money by then, I'll cut your fucking heart out and sell it to an Indian. You got me?

DAX

Hell yes.

BERNARD

Good. Now get out of my face.

Dax backs away.

Bernard takes one last look at the mugs in the room and then heads for the exit.

BERNARD (CONT'D)

I'll be back in two weeks.

25.CONTINUED: (15)

He waddles out the door, slamming it behind him.

Dax takes a deep breath and looks at his friends.

The room is completely silent.

SAUL

This party sucks. Come on, Marlon. We should be heading home.

MARLON

Yeah. Good call.

DAX

You two assholes aren't going anywhere. Welcome home, gentlemen.