Adventures in Poverty - Jared Michael Choate

8/10/2019 Adventures in Poverty - Jared Michael Choate

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INT. PLASMA CLINIC - DAY.

Two plasma donation chairs are set out next to each other,one empty, the other occupied by HARLAN, a ratty-looking manwith tattered clothing and a pedophilic moustache.

Behind him a sign reads ZLC PLASMA CLINIC.

GRANT UNDERHILL, a very professional and put-togetherindividual, enters, escorted by a PLASMA EMPLOYEE.

PLASMA EMPLOYEEYou a first timer, Mr. Underhill?

GRANT UNDERHILLYeah, well, not much need for theCEO of a Fortune 500 company to setfoot in a damned plasma clinic.That is, unless his company goestits up and he has to file Chapter11 and resort to hocking bodily

fluids just to make ends meet.

PLASMA EMPLOYEEQuite a predicament this countrysgot itself into.

(beat)You say you were a CEO, yeah?Anything I might have heard of.

GRANT UNDERHILLWe pioneered the global marketplacefor feline incontinence products.

(beat)

Cat-theters.

PLASMA EMPLOYEE(unimpressed)

Over heres your seat Mr.Underhill. Its not the plushCorinthian leather youreaccustomed to, but dont worry - wemake sure to wipe off all thejunkie piss after our usual rosterof drug addicts are done earning acouple dollars for their next fix.

MR. UNDERHILLJunkies?

They approach Mr. Underhills seat, opposite Harlan.


3/7

PLASMA EMPLOYEESpeak of the devil. Hows it goingtoday, Harlan?

Mr. Underhill, examining the scenery, misses the followingexchange.

HARLAN

Be a whole lot better when you canstop taking this junk outtamyveins, and I can leave here and putsome junk back in em.

(hushed; with a wink)Im talking about heroin.

PLASMA EMPLOYEE(with a laugh; charmed)

Oh, Harlan...(turns)

Now Mr. Underhill, Harlan here isvery experienced, so if you have

any questions -- dont take hisopinion in vein.

(slaps knee)Sorry! Just a little phlebotomyhumor.

Underhill, unamused, takes a seat next to Harlan as thePlasma Employee exits.

HARLANTheres nothing to be afraid of,really. Well, come to think of it -there was the time when they

couldnt quite get the needle in awomans arm. Now I dont know iftheres arteries in a forearm -they didnt cover that in G.E.D.school - but when they pulled thatneedle out - WHEW! - it was like ablood factory in here.

MR. UNDERHILLThats very reassuring.

Harlan reaches in his pocket and pulls out a SMALL WHITEOBJECT of some kind, the size of a golf ball.

HARLAN(extending his hand)

Take this and keep squeezing it.Itll tense up your forearm anddilate the vein, making this wholeprocess a lot easier.

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4/7

MR. UNDERHILL(accepts)

Thanks.

HARLAN(hushed)

And when youre all done - makesure to request the happy ending.

MR. UNDERHILLThey give happy endings here?

HARLANShh!!! You wanna BLOW it?!

MR. UNDERHILLI got one of those at a day spa inPalm Springs once. You ever been toPalm Springs?

Underhill, massaging the ball, looks over at Harlan, who is

bumping cocaine off his hand.

MR. UNDERHILL (CONTD)No, I suppose not.

HARLAN(nose covered in powder)

Oh. By the way. Make sure yourpalms dont get too sweaty - orthat big crack rock youre holdingwill start seeping in your pores.It gets you like eleven and a halfmore higher that way.

Mr. Underhill Looks at the crack rock hes palming, andthrows it impulsively at Harlan, who catches it, LICKS it, anstuffs it back in his pocket.

HARLAN (CONTD)Tastes salty, like palm sweat.

(beat)Looks like youre in for a treatmyfriend!!!

Underhill, licking his lips and wiping sweat from his brow,appears frightened and panicking. ITS KICKING IN!

MR. UNDERHILLThis is some sick joke, right?

A FEMALE PHLEBOTOMIST saunters over to assess Mr. Underhill.

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5/7

FEMALE PHLEBOTOMIST(in a cooing baby voice)

Is someone a little nervous?(drops voice)

Did H-train tell you the bloodfactory story? Look, that was myfirst day. But Ive learned a lotsince yesterday. Theres no need to

worry.

Mr. Underhill grimaces, finding no solace in this.

MR. UNDERHILLBut I.. crack rock.. hot flashes..Satan!

FEMALE PHLEBOTOMISTEveryone says that their first timeat a plasma clinic. Youll be fine.

HARLAN

Hey Legs! Come here.

FEMALE PHLEBOTOMISTYes?

HARLANAbout the happy ending... Can youtime it so I finish right as youpull the needle out? It gives me asense of euphoria. Like the firsttime I watched Fantasia.

She slaps him HARD. Then exits.

MR. UNDERHILLYou were kidding right? That wasntreally a giant ball of crackcocaine... was it?

HARLANWhat do you heart palpitations tellyou?

MR. UNDERHILLOh my god. Oh my god. Oh my GOD!

HARLANA street value of $2000. Translatedto the currency of back alley HJs?About 750. And it was worth everylast one of em!

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6/7

Mr. Underhill, now a ball of manic energy, jumps out of hischair and alternates between SHADOWBOXING and doing PUSHUPS.

MR. UNDERHILLI feel so stong! Like I could benchpress a SCHOOL BUS!

HARLAN

Save somethingfor your secondtime.

HARLAN (CONTD)All my problems seem so distant. Myfinancial turmoil, the shiteconomy, my ugly ass kids - allgone! All I can think about is morecrack rock!

HARLAN (CONTD)Im the choir -- and you arepreaching my friend.

MR. UNDERHILLHow can I get more of that?

HARLANLike I said: $2000.

MR. UNDERHILLBut Im flat broke.

HARLAN(looking for attendant)

Guess shes not gonna deliver with

that happy ending.(a realization)

Well, if you wanna go the otherroute, I can cut you a deal...

(flaunting the crack rockala Vanna White)

For the low introductory price of apaltry 700 HJs, this beautifulrock of crack cocaine could be allyours.

Mr. Underhill looks unamused. But considering it.

HARLAN (CONTD)They dont all have to be in oneday.

MR. UNDERHILLYou got yourself a deal.

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7/7

As Harlan unbuckles his pants, Mr. Underhill scoots near.

The LIGHTS ARE CUT as Harlan moans loudly in ecstasy, finallygetting his happy ending.

HARLANOooh, oooh! Almost there!

(beat)

Pull the needle out! Pull theneedle out! YAARRGGGHH!

End.

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Adventures in Poverty - Jared Michael Choate

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