A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA fre started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fre department was called to put out the fre. The fre was more than the county fre department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outft would be of any assistance, the call

was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fre truck. They rumbled straight towards the fre, drove right into the middle of the fames and stopped! The fremen jumped off the truck and frantically started sprayingwater in all directions. Soon they had snuffed outthe center of the fre, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts. Watching all this,

the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fre department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fre captain what the department planned to do with the funds. “That ought to be obvious,” he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. “The frst thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fxed on our fre truck!”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going outin a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek,he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised hisumbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the beaver fell dead.What do you think of that?” The 90-year-old said,“I’d say somebody else shot that beaver.” The doctor replied, “Hmmmmm.”

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

I am who I am. Your approval is not needed.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayThe Calvin Coolidge Wit

Once Calvin Coolidge and his wife, Grace, visited a government farm on separate tours. In the chicken yard, sheshowed some interest in a prize rooster. The farmer told herthe rooster could mate several times a day. Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the president when he comes by.” The farmer told the president. Coolidge asked, “Same hen every time?” The reply: “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.” Coolidge said, “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”

Once, at a dinner party, the woman sitting next to him said she bet she could get more than two words out of him. Coolidge famously responded: “You lose.”

In 1925, someone asked how it felt to be president of the United States. “Well,” he said, “You got to be mighty careful.”

A good dose of “Silent Cal” would be welcome in theWhite House today, wouldn’t it?

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayMore Coolidge Wit

As a student at Amherst College, he took his meals in aboardinghouse where, it is said, the landlady often served hash, which caused Coolidge to turn serious. The landlady had a dog and a cat. Coolidge would ask “Where’s the dog?” and the dog would be brought in. Then he’d ask “Where’s the cat?” and the cat would bebrought in. Only then would he eat the hash.

Massachusetts Gov. ChanningCox, Coolidge’s formerlieutenant governor, visited himat the White House. Hecomplained that back home inMassachusetts he always had tosee people and couldn’t fnd thetime to get some real workdone. Coolidge told him,“Channing, the trouble is you talk back.”

At one White House press conference, reporters fred questions at him. “Have you anything to say about Prohibition?” “No.” “Have you anything to say about the World Court?” “No” “About the farm situation?” “No.” “About the forthcoming senatorial campaign?” “No.” As the reporters fled out of the room, Calvin Coolidge fnally called out, “And don’t quote me.”

Coolidge once observed that what he didn't say never hurt him.

Come back, Cal. We need you so badly!

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your Day A man was out driving, when he came across a fock ofsheep. He got out of his car, and walked over to the shepherd tending the sheep. He asked, “Are you a betting man?” “Why do you ask?”, said the shepherd. “I’ll bet you $20, to one of your sheep, that I can guessthe size of your fock.”, he said. “You’re on”, said the shepherd, “How many sheep have I got?” “367”, came the answer. “That’s amazing,” exclaimed the shepherd,“You’re absolutely right! go and pick yourself a sheep.”Having claimed his prize, the man was walking away, when the shepherd called out to him. “How about another bet--double or nothing?”, he challenged. “What’s the bet?”, said the man. “I’ll bet you that I cantell your occupation, and who you work for.” “That’s a bet.” said the man. “What do I do?” “You’re an accountant, and you work for the government,”, said the shepherd. “That’s amazing,” said the man. “How did you fgure that out?” The shepherd smiled. “Put down my dog, and I’ll tell you.”

Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your Day

Why did the iPadgo to the dentist? Ithad a blue tooth.

A little gray hair isa small price to payfor all this wisdom.

Jesus loves you . . .but I’m his favorite!

No need to repeatyourself. I ignoredyou just fne thefrst time.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index fnger shot off. “How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her. “Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blondereplied. “What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your fnger?” “No, Silly,” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest. Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.” “So then?” asked the ER doctor. “Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my fnger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayI took the shell off my racing snail to make him go faster. But now he’s more sluggish.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom

approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ well, I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfed. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “I do,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayDisciple: “Oh wise and all knowing one, take me to the realm of perfect peace.” Master: “If I take you to that realm, it will no longer be peaceful.”

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I don’t have a problem with willpower. It’s won’t power I have a problem with.

My life has a superb cast, but I can’t fgure out the plot.

My reality check just bounced.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayOne little four-year-old boy was misbehaving so much in church that his father was compelled to pick up his son under one arm and carry him outside. On his way out, the little tyke called out, “Please pray for me!”

Attending a weddingfor the frst time, alittle girl whispered toher mother, “Why isthe bride dressed inwhite?” “Becausewhite is the color ofhappiness, and todayis the happiest day ofher life.” The childthought about this fora moment, then said,“So why is the groomwearing black?”

A Sunday schoolteacher wasdiscussing the TenCommandmentswith her fve- and six-year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for thefrst time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All wasquiet until the little one started singing in a loud voice, “Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you...”

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She explained to her mother, “Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. “Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell!” Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is.”

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with? A: He enters Nerdvana.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA Jewish wife was hanging up her husband’s jacket when suddenly she became furious, for she had spotted a long grey hair on the shoulder. “I see,” she screeched, “you were at your mother’s to get sympathy again!”

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police offcer said, “Father Murphy, were you gambling?” Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the police offcer, he then said, “No, offcer; I was not gambling.” The offcer then asked theminister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?” Again,after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, “No, offcer; I was not gambling.” Turning to the rabbi, the offcer again asked, “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied,“With whom could I be gambling?”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A lady turned to a priest whowas next to her and said, “You’re a man of God. Can’t you do something about this?” He replied, “Sorry, I can’t. I’m in sales, not management.”

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandmentsin a Courthouse: You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,”“Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” and “Thou Shalt NotLie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It

creates a hostile work environment!

I bought a talking bathroom scale, but all it ever sayswhen I step on it is, “One at a time, please.”

Did you hear the joke about the roof?Never mind. It’s over your head.

Most girls say, “I’m not like most girls!”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayWhen people hurt you over and over again, think of them as sandpaper. They scratch and irritate you, but later you will be shining and polished, while they end up worn down and useless.

I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayWhat do you call a person who’s happy on Monday?

Retired.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepperspray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do anything. Sometimes I turn it on and off just for fun. The other day I got a call from someone in France telling me to stop it.

Never go to a doctor whose offce plants have died.

Never insult an alligator until after you’ve crossed the river.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayBased on how I react when toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

I don’t have gray hair, I have wisdom highlights.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly shecollapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband. He calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I'm dying over here and you're putting?” “Don't worry dear,” he says calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.” “Well, how long will it take for him to get here,” she asks feebly? “No time at all,” he says. “Everybody's already agreed to let him play through.”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Texas Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. “I need a list ofyour employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.” “Well," replied the rancher, “There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works 18 hours every day and does 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.” “That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent. “That would be me,” replied the rancher.

I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayThe best therapist has fur and four legs.

If you think someone is staring at you, yawn. If they yawn, they were staring.

When life gives you lemons . . .throw them back and demand chocolate.

I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if theyliked me . . . now I look around and wonder if I like them.

I love waving at random people.I know they’ll spend the rest of the day

trying to fgure out who I am!

It’s never too late to be what you want to be.Unless you want to be younger.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DaySomeone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally he says, “Quick, call a lawyer!” “A lawyer? Why??” “We need someone who speaks their language!”

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands ofdollars in the driveway

and put our useless junk in the garage.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayCommon Fishing Terms Explained

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the Fish and Game offcer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fshing went the past weekend.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fsh. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fsherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fsherman's wife after he spends their life savings.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fsh, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayMore Common Fishing Terms Explained

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fberglass that keepsan angler from ever getting too close to a fsh.

School - A grouping in which fsh are taught to avoid your $49.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in; just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your frst-aid kit. Only, a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid,you soon fnd that you need more than one.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your Day

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.” The cats says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood foors.” God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, a fuffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they goto Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, “All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.” God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, each mouse is ftted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?” The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And thoseMeals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!’

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayDon't break anybody's heart; they only have one.

Break their bones; they have 206.

A Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.” He said, “OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.” The offcial fashed his I.D. card and said, “I have the authority of the State to go anywhere I want. See this card?” So the farmer shrugged and went about his chores. A little later the farmer heard loud screams, and he saw the offcial running for his life right ahead of the farmer’s huge, angry prize bull. The farmer yelled, “Show him your card, Smart Ass!”

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayThe doctor answered the phone and heard the familiarvoice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend. “I'll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”

A blonde, brunette and a red-head were on a sinking boat, two miles from the shore. The brunette swims one mile and drowns. The red-head swims one mile and gets eaten by a shark. Then the blonde swims one mile, gets tired, and swims back.

A Smile to Brighten Your DayA Smile to Brighten Your DayA couple met at a vacation resort and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over. “It's only fair to warn you, Linda,” he said. “I'm a golf nut. I live...eat...sleep...and breathe golf.” “Well,” Linda said,“Since you're being honest, so will I. You see, I'm a hooker.” “I see,” he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said, “It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, fguring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!” The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.” “Forget it, man – you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!”

Me: “I’ll never go back to work after what my boss said to me!”You: “What did he say?”Me: “You’re fred!”