A few weeks ago, on a Friday morning, Marie woke up early, stumbled downstairs, and

immediately ran back up to report that we were the victims of a home invasion. The furniture had been

rearranged in the night while we slept. In the wee hours of the morning, it briefly seemed plausible that

we had been invaded by rogue sect of “radicalized” interior decorators. But, I soon realized that it was

April 1st

and moved on to more likely suspects – namely Lily (the other two wouldn’t leave their beds in

the morning if the house was on fire and there was a carnival in the backyard.) Marie reported that all

of the kids were still sound asleep – including Lily. The sofa had been moved and was blocking the stairs.

Further inspection revealed a few more irregularities. The cereal boxes were missing as well as the

silverware. All of the dog’s toys were hung by string from the ceiling.

All of the dishes were upside down as were many

containers in the refrigerator and the bath mats. Lily was

again accused but stubbornly maintained her innocence

throughout repeated interrogations - even citing that the

only light bulb in her own bedroom was also missing.

Lily finally broke down and admitted that she woke up at

3:00 am (!?!)1 to implement her elaborate plan. It took her

over an hour just to move the sofa. She had been inspired

by the “Encyclopedia of Immaturity” which clearly has fallen into the wrong

hands. However, I have a deep appreciation for a well executed scheme

and she fooled Marie good. She may also have been inspired by Homer

Simpson who challenged Bart with “You couldn't fool your own mother on

the foolin’est day of your life with an electrified foolin’ machine!” Well, no

one can say that about Lily now.

1 Yes, apparently there is a 3 “AM”!

On the left, our wily trickster is diffusing a prank in the

bathroom. She rigged Marie’s

bath gel to shoot out a string

when squeezed.

I hope everyone had an exciting

and devious April Fools’ Day.

Traditionally, our family has not

celebrated April Fools’ Day. However,

this year was an exception. Lily did a

great job.

As I’ve mentioned before, my New Year’s Resolution is to celebrate every holiday with pie. So, I baked

an April Fools’ Day pie – featured below.

What appeared to be strawberry cream on a chocolate

base was actually potatoes mashed with beets on

meatloaf (Sheppard’s Pie). Don’t the kids look excited

to have pie for dinner? They were somewhat

disappointed. The real surprise for me was that it was

also delicious.

You may have noticed that the table is set for 6. Marie’s mom came for a short visit. Lily is now taller

than her grandmother by an inch. But, as you can see, that’s no great feat.

I found this alarming warning stamped onto the plywood I bought last weekend.

What’s alarming is that everything known to Man appears to be cancerous to Californians. I thought

they were supposed to be protected from all disease by their wheat grass juice, herbal tea, and

medicinal marijuana. A friend of mine pointed out that the ink used to stamp the warning is probably

more toxic than the plywood. Perhaps there should be an additional message that states: “Warning,

this warning contains ink known to cause cancer in rats and Californians.” Another friend of mine

wondered how they print this warning on toothpicks.

This was my lunch last Sunday. Some of you already know that I will eat nearly anything. I try to live by

the motto “Fear no Food!” as well as the principle that variety is the “spice of life”. You never know

what delicacy you might discover. As it turns out, teriyaki baby octopus is delicious. I have heard that

there is a select but devoted community of adventurous eaters in the world. I’ve often thought of

establishing a restaurant next to a zoo that would “recycle”, prepare, and serve any zoo animal that

“expired” the night before. Why waste them? After all, zoo animals are raised in small cages and pens

just like veal.

I imagine a menu such as this…

� Teriyaki Tiger

� Roast Beast

� Rack of Rhino

� Baboon Brisket

� Bongo Burger (it’s an animal–look it up)

� Sautéed Sea Lion

� Giraffe Jerky

� Penguin Pot Roast

� Ostrich Omelet

� Hyena Hotdish

� Elephant Ears

� Deep Fried Dingo

� Fried Flamingo

� Fricasseed Ferret

� Panda Paprikas

� Sloth Sausage

� Kangaroo Kabobs

� Monkey Meatloaf

� Salamander Soup

� And, of course, a Hippo Sandwich

I already have this recipe from Shel Silverstein.

A hippo sandwich is easy to make.

All you do is simply take

One slice of bread,

One slice of cake,

Some mayonnaise,

One onion ring,

One hippopotamus,

One piece of string,

A dash of pepper--

That ought to do it.

And now comes the problem...

Biting into it!

It’s a better than my original “recycling restaurant

For those of you without a complete set of World Book

is a Bongo

I already have this recipe from Shel Silverstein.

recycling restaurant” idea - a sausage stand next to the City Pound.

For those of you without a complete set of World Book encyclopedias, this

Bongo.

next to the City Pound.

encyclopedias, this

The kids have continued to learn about dogs, although mostly they are just making up stuff as they go.

For instance, this part of the dog has been named the “face handle”2 as Jack demonstrates below.

It’s become a very natural term. Yesterday, Lily said “B put her whole face handle down in the snow.”

That look on the dog’s face is her way of saying, “Can’t you do something about this?” I proposed that

the “tail” be renamed the “butt whip” but it was unanimously rejected by the censors.

2 In our family, only pigs have “snouts”.

Holly relates very well to the dog. She has noticed that the dog bases every decision and action on the

probability of receiving a tasty treat – just like Holly does! That is their special bond which is

strengthened by the fact that the dog often finds Holly’s face to be a plentiful source of food residue. I

appreciate that Holly’s face has never been so clean but Marie no longer kisses her on the cheek.

The dog and I also share a common bond in the form of our favorite

early morning routine. After a ritual that involves a lot of stretching,

scratching, and a trip to the P-tree, we both like to start the day off

with a long morning nap.

“B” also likes “People Crackers” as opposed to Animal Crackers. They

come in Mailman, Milkman, Fireman, and Policeman. Why not “Tax

Collector” or “Revenuer”? (I suppose that they probably didn’t test

well due to their bitter taste.)

Marie’s analytical mind and close association with the dog all

day leads to a rather detailed daily analysis of the dogs bowel

behavior which reveals some disturbing trends in both

frequency and content. The samples in question often contain

clearly visible pieces of toys, plush doll stuffing, styrofoam,

fiberglass insulation, occasional bits of concrete and other

household "roughage" (she seems to have developed a taste

for construction debris). I have to agree with Marie’s

conclusion that "five times a day" is excessive. It’s hard on

Marie, the yard and occasionally the dining room rug.

From a strictly financial standpoint, I don't see why we bother

to feed the dog if she is just going to extrude everything out

the other end like a living Play-Doh Fun Factory. I have come

to the conclusion that her food must be made mostly of saw

dust, ash, and/or Metamucil. I asked Marie to search for a food that is completely digestible so that

nothing need pass out the other end. Doesn't that seem reasonable? It turns out that dog food is often

marketed by its exciting new barnyard flavor (chicken, pork, lamb, etc) but there doesn't seem to be a

food on the market that claims to be poopless. I think this is a serious oversight and a market niche that

is overdue to be exploited. If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t we develop a poop-free dog

food?3

If such a “Poop-No-More” dog food existed, maybe this next product would make sense. It’s called

“Rear Gear” for dogs.

That’s right! Get Rear Gear to boost your dog’s

confidence! For more information, check your local

internet.

Anyway, Marie didn’t find anything resembling Dr. Krappel’s Zero Emission

Dog Food but she stumbled across this Vegetarian Dog Food?!?! Perhaps the

food scientists over at Natural Balance haven’t noticed that a dog’s mouth is

full of “canine” teeth designed specifically for eating meat (where do they

think the name “canine tooth” comes from). I think that anyone who insists

on feeding their pet a vegan diet should consider owning a rabbit.

Dog ownership has introduced us to a strange new world.

3 In the meantime, we could create a brand of dog food that contains rubber bands as explained by the Late Great

George Carlin: “Here's a little household hint for you. This'll help you clean up after your dog. Feed your dog a lot

of rubber bands. Put a lot of rubber bands in with his regular food. Then, when he takes a ****, there's usually a

little loop on the end of it. You just pick it up by the loop and...(whistle). Know what I mean? Throw it in the

neighbor's yard.”