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CONTENTS

TitlePageCopyrightDedication

INTRODUCTION

PARTI:WhyCompassionMatters

1.TheBestKeptSecretofHappiness:CompassionBorntoConnectIAmtheOtherWheretheResearchIsTakingUsTheBenefitsofCompassionReceivingKindnessTheHelper’sHighMoreCompassion,MorePurposeMoreCompassion,LessStressTheCureforLonelinessKindnessIsContagious

HangingInTherewithPatience

2.TheKeytoSelf-Acceptance:HavingCompassionforYourselfWhatSelf-CompassionIsNotTheHighCostofLowSelf-CompassionTheBenefitsofSelf-CompassionRenewingOurResourcesSettingRealisticGoalsLearningfromOurExperienceFeelingLessAlone“BeKind,andBeHappy”

ItComesBacktoConnection

3.FromFeartoCourage:BreakingThroughOurResistanceTheCourageofCompassionFearofCompassionPride:TheFalseGuardACultureofKindnessLettingGoofOurResistanceBuildingOurCompassionMuscle:CompassionCultivationatStanford

University

PARTII:TrainingOurMindandHeart

4.FromCompassiontoAction:TurningIntentionintoMotivationTheFourImmeasurablesSettingConsciousIntentionExercise:SettinganIntention

DedicatingOurExperienceExercise:MakingaDedication

TheBenefitsofIntentionandDedicationHowIntentionBecomesMotivation

5.MakingWayforCompassion:HowFocusedAwarenessKeepsUsonTrack

MindWandering:ADefaultStateofOurBrain?QuietingtheMindExercise:DeepBreathingExercise:SpaciousMind

FocusingtheMindExercise:FocusedAttentionThroughMindfulBreathingExercise:FocusedAttentionUsinganImage

StrengtheningMetaAwarenessExercise:MetaAwareness

6.GettingUnstuck:EscapingthePrisonofExcessiveSelf-InvolvementOpeningYourHeartinEverydayLifeOpeningYourHeartThroughLovingKindnessandCompassionMeditationExercise:LovingKindnessMeditationExercise:CompassionMeditation

AQuietPracticewithPowerfulResultsThereIsMoretoLovingKindnessandCompassionThanWishingItComesBacktoConnectionAgain

7.“MayIBeHappy”:CaringforOurselvesSelf-CompassionandAttachmentStyleLearningtoBewithOurSufferingCultivatingSelf-ForgivenessExercise:ForgivingOurselves

Self-AcceptanceExercise:AcceptingOurselves

SelfKindnessExercise:SelfKindness

LovingKindnessforOurselvesReplenishingOurInnerWellspring

8.“JustLikeMe”:ExpandingOurCircleofConcernThePowerofPerceivedSimilarityEmbracingOurCommonHumanityExercise:EmbracingCommonHumanity

CultivatingAppreciationofOthersExercise:AppreciatingOthers

ExpandingOurCircleofConcernExercise:ExpandingOurCircleofConcern

PrimingOurHeartforaMoreActiveCompassionExercise:PrimingOurHeart(Tonglen)

PARTIII:ANewWayofBeing

9.GreaterWell-Being:HowCompassionMakesUsHealthyandStrongCompassionTrainingforPsychologicalWell-BeingACompassionateMindIsaResilientMindCompassionTrainingandEmotionRegulationAnchoringOurPersonalEthics

10.MoreCourage,LessStress,GreaterFreedom:MakingCompassionOurBasicStance

CompassioninEverydayLifeATheoryofPersonalTransformationSeeing,Feeling,andActingAPerceptualShiftCanChangeHowWeActuallyFeelAWayofBeingintheWorldFromaFeelingtoOurVeryWayofBeing

11.ThePowerofOne:TheWaytoaMoreCompassionateWorldCompassioninOurHealthCareSystemsReenvisioningHowWeEducateOurChildrenCaringWorkplace,CaringEconomics“AVeryDifferentCompany”

TowardaMoreJustandCompassionateSociety

ACKNOWLEDGMENTSNOTES

Tomylateparents,whodespitealltheirhardshipsasTibetanrefugeesinIndia,instilledinmefaith

inthebasicgoodnessofhumanity

I

INTRODUCTION

Nothingismorepowerfulthananideawhosetimehascome.

—VICTORHUGO

rememberwalkingexcitedlynexttoHisHolinesstheDalaiLama,holdinghishandandtryingtokeepupwithhispace.Imusthavebeenaboutsixwhenthe

DalaiLamavisitedtheStirlingCastleHomeforTibetanChildreninShimla,northernIndia.IwasoneofmorethantwohundredchildrenofTibetanrefugeesresidentthere.ThehomewassetupbytheBritishcharitySavetheChildrenin1962intwoformerBritishcolonialhomeslocatedonasmallhill.Wechildrenhadbeenbusypreparingforthevisit,rehearsingwelcomingTibetansongswhilethegrown-upsswepttheroadanddecorateditwithTibetansymbolsinwhitelimepowder—lotus,infiniteknot,vase,twogoldfish(facingeachother),eight-spokewheelofdharma,victorybanner,parasol,andconch.ThedaytheDalaiLamacame,thereweremanyIndianpolicemenaroundtheschool;Irememberplayingmarbleswithafewofthemthatmorningwhilewewaited.Whenthemomentfinallyarriveditwasmagical.Thicksmokebillowedfromawhitewashedincensestovebuiltespeciallyfortheoccasion.Dressedinourcolorfulbestandholdingkata,thetraditionalTibetanwhitescarvesofgreeting,inourhands,westoodonbothsidesofthedrivewayleadinguptotheschoolandsangatthetopofourlungs.

IhadbeenchosenasoneofthestudentstowalkalongsidetheDalaiLamaashetouredtheschool.Whilewewalked,IaskedhimifIcouldbecomeamonk,towhichhereplied,“Studywellandyoucanbecomeamonkanytimeyouwish.”Lookingback,IthinktheonlyreasonIwassoprecociouslyattractedtobeingamonkwasbecausethereweretwomonkteachersatthechildren’shome.Theywerethekindestoftheadultsthereandalsoseemedthemostlearned.Theyalwayslookedhappyandatpeace,evenradiantattimes.Mostimportantforuschildren,theytoldthemostinterestingstories.

Sowhenthefirstopportunitycame,attheageofeleven—andasit

Sowhenthefirstopportunitycame,attheageofeleven—andasithappened,onthefirstdayofTibetanNewYear(towardtheendofFebruary,thatyear)—Ibecameamonkandjoinedamonastery,despitemyfather’sprotestations.HewasupsetthatIwassquanderingtheopportunitytobecomethefamilybreadwinner—parentsofhisgenerationwishedfortheirchildrentogetaneducationandworkinanoffice.Fornearlyadecadeafterward,Ilived,worked,meditated,chanted,andbelongedinthesmallcommunityofDzongkarChoedemonastery.ItwasthereinthequietevergreenhillsofDharamsala,northernIndia,thatIpracticedmyrudimentaryEnglishwithenlightenment-seekinghippies.

IdevelopedfriendshipswithJohnandLars.Johnwasnotahippie.HewasanAmericanreclusewholivedaloneinanicebungalowhe’drentedclosetothemeditationhutofareveredTibetanmaster.ImetwithJohnonceortwiceaweek.WewouldspeakandIwouldreadfromaTibetantext,whichitselfisatranslationofaneighth-centuryIndianBuddhistclassic.ItwasJohnwhointroducedmetopancakesandham.

LarswasaDanishmanwholivedquiteclosetothemonastery.OftenIwouldvisithimtochatandhavetoastwithjam.

Inthespringof1972,themonasterymovedtothescorchingheatofsouthernIndia,whereaTibetanresettlementprogramhadbegun.There,liketheothermonksofmymonastery,attheageofthirteen,Ijoinedtheresettlementworkforceclearingforests,diggingditches,andworkinginthecornfields.Forthefirsttwoyears,whilethesettlementwasbeingprepared,wewerepaidadailywageof0.75Indianrupees,orroughly1.5cents.

TherewasverylittleformaleducationatDzongkarChoede.It’snotthecustomforyoungmonkstogotoregularsecularschoolseither.BythetimeourcommunitymovedtoSouthIndia,Ihadfinishedmemorizingalltheliturgicaltextsthatwererequired.Theday’slaboratthesettlementfinishedbyfourintheafternoon,soIhadsomefreetimeonmyhandsandIdecidedtopickupmyEnglishagain.However,withnoopportunitiestopracticeconversation,Imadedowithreadingcomicbooks.Oneday,Iobtainedacheapusedtransistorradio,andafterthatIlistenedtotheBBCWorldServiceandU.S.-basedVoiceofAmericaeveryday.Inthosedays,VOAhadauniqueprogram“broadcastinginspecialEnglish,”inwhichthepresenterspokeslowlyandrepeatedeverysentencetwice.Thiswasimmenselyhelpful,asIhadonlyaverybasicgraspofthelanguageatthetime.

SinceIwastheonlyyoungboyatthemonasterywhocouldspeakandreadEnglish,rudimentarilythoughitwasatfirst,itwasasourceofprideandalsoawayofindividuatingmyselffromtheothers.Herewasaworld—figurativelyandliterallythewholeworldbeyondtherefugeecommunity,beyondthe

andliterallythewholeworldbeyondtherefugeecommunity,beyondthemonastery—thatIalonefrommymonasticcommunitycouldenter.ThroughEnglishIlearnedtoreadtheglobe,whichmadeallthegreatcountriesIwashearingaboutinthenewscometolife—England,America,Russia,andofcourse,ourbelovedTibet,whichhadtragicallyfallentoCommunistChina.

Around1976,whenIwasseventeenoreighteen,ImetaremarkablewomanwhochangedmykarmawithEnglish.Dr.ValentinaStache-RosenwasaGermanIndologistwithexpertiseinSanskritandChinesetexts,livinginBangalore(whereherhusbandheadedtheMaxMullerInstitute).Dr.Stache-RosentookakeeninterestintheprogressofmyEnglish.SheintroducedmetoWesternliteratureandsentmebooks—HermannHesseandAgathaChristie,EdgarSnow’sRedStaroverChina,and,mosthelpfully,alargeEnglishdictionarywithmanyexamplesofwordsusedinsentences.AndIfirstlearnedtouseaknifeandforkatDr.Stache-Rosen’shome.Wecorrespondeduntilherdeathin1980.Withoutherkindness,Ican’timaginehowmyEnglishwouldhaveescapedfromwhereitremainedbackthen,orforthatmatter,wheremylifewouldhavetakenme.

IalsoreadTrevorLing’sbookTheBuddha,aportrayal,writteninEnglish,ofthelifeandteachingsoftheBuddhaasarevolutionary,philosopher,andspiritualteacher.Inthisbookinparticular,theevocativepoweroftheEnglishlanguagedeeplyimpressedme.TherewasalivelinessandimmediacythatIhadneverfeltwithwrittenTibetan;itwaslikesomeonespeaking.(ThegapbetweenwrittenandspokenlanguageinTibetanishuge.)

Aroundthesametime,ImettheTibetanteacherwholaterbecameoneofthemostimportantinfluencesonmyclassicalBuddhisteducation.Famedforhiseruditionandpoetry,ZemeyRinpochewasthegentlestpersonIhaveeverknown.Hewaslivingasemiretiredlifethen,dedicatedtoquietmeditativereflection,inanotherTibetansettlementaboutanhour’sbusridefrommymonastery.IwasalreadyfamiliarwithRinpoche’snamefromthemanyTibetanlanguageschooltextbookshehadedited.Meetinghiminpersonandspeakingwithhimrekindledtheenthusiasmforlearningthathadoriginallyinspiredmetobecomeamonk.Fromourfirstmeeting,Rinpocherecognizedmyrestlessintellectandtookmeunderhiswing.So,inthesummerof1978,IleftmysmallmonasterytojoinGanden,alargeacademicmonasteryinanotherpartofsouthernIndia,aboutaten-totwelve-hourbusrideaway.

In1985,whileonavisittoDharamsala,NorthIndia,twentyyearsafterI’dhurriedtokeepupwithHisHolinessasasmallboy,Ihadthewonderful,ifaccidental,honorofbeingaskedtointerpretatateachinggivenbytheDalaiLamawhenthescheduledEnglishinterpretercouldn’tmakeitonthefirstday.Afewdaysintotheteaching,theDalaiLama’sofficeinformedmethatHisHolinesswishedtoseeme.Attheappointedtime,thesecretaryusheredmeinto

Holinesswishedtoseeme.Attheappointedtime,thesecretaryusheredmeintotheaudienceroomthatispartoftheDalaiLama’sofficecomplex,asimplecolonial-stylebungalowofstoneandwoodwithagreencorrugatedtinroof.AsIentered,HisHolinesssaid,“Iknowyou;youareagooddebateratGandenmonastery.ButIdidnotknowyouspokeEnglish.”SomeWesternerswhohadheardmyinterpretinghadtoldtheDalaiLamathatmyEnglishwaseasytolistento.HisHolinessaskedmeifIcouldbeavailablewhenheneededsomeonetointerpretforhim,especiallyonhistravels.Iwasintears.Ihadnever,eveninadream,imaginedthatonedayIwouldhavethehonorofservingtheDalaiLamasoclosely.Needlesstosay,Irepliedthatthiswouldbethegreatesthonor.

ForaTibetanwhogrewupasarefugeeinIndia,servingtheDalaiLama—sodeeplyreveredbytheTibetanpeople—isalsoawaytohonorthesacrificesourparentshadtomakeintheirearlyyearsofexile.

SoIbeganaccompanyingtheDalaiLamaonhisinternationaltravels,interpretingforhimwithEnglish-speakingaudiencesandcolleaguesinthemultidisciplinaryfieldofcontemplativestudies,includingatmajorscientificmeetingsliketheMindandLifeDialogues,andassistinghimonhisbookprojects.Inthesecapacities,IhavebeentheDalaiLama’sprincipalEnglishtranslatorsince1985,servingthisremarkablevoiceofcompassionfornearlythreedecadesnow.

RightfromthebeginningHisHolinesswasclearthatIwouldnotjoinhispermanentstaff.Hesaidthatthiswouldbeawasteofmymonasticeducationandtalent.Headvisedmeinsteadtoconcentrateonmystudiesandpursueanindependentlifededicatedtoscholarship.Thiswastrulycompassionate.

OvertimeIcametorecognizethatmypersonaldestinymightlieinservingasamediumformyownclassicalTibetanBuddhisttraditioninthecontemporaryworld.Perhapsthestrangebackgroundofmyyouth—growingupinamonasteryyetwithafascinationfortheEnglishlanguageandthingsWestern—hadpreparedmeforthisrole.Thereweren’tmanypeopletrainedintheclassicalBuddhisttraditionwhoalsoknewEnglishthen.AsmyfacilitywithEnglishimproved,itdawnedonmethatImighthaveaspecialroletoplayattheinterfaceoftwoculturesIloved.

ThemotivationtofulfillthisdestinymoreefficientlytookmetoCambridgeUniversity,inEngland,beginninganewphaseinmylife.Thankstothekindnessofsomanypeople,Ihavebeenfortunatetobeabletodedicatemyprofessionallifetobeingsuchamediumofculturalinterchange,whetherthroughservingtheDalaiLamaortranslatingkeyTibetantextsintoEnglish.MyexperienceshaveconfirmedthatearlyintuitionthatalotofgoodcouldcomefromthemeetingofclassicalTibetanBuddhisttraditionandcontemporarythoughtandculture,includingscience.Thisbookispartofthislargerworkof

thoughtandculture,includingscience.Thisbookispartofthislargerworkofcross-culturalinterpretation.

Ihavebeeninterestedincompassionmywholelife.Inmychildhood,Iwasatthereceivingendofotherpeople’scompassion.ThankstothousandsofordinaryBritishcitizenswhocontributedtoSavetheChildren,morethanathousandTibetanchildrenlikemefoundahometogrowupinsafelyintheearly1960s,whileourparentsstruggledtoadjustasrefugeesinalandwheretheydidnotspeakthelanguageorknowthecustoms.ThankstoindividualssuchasDr.ValentinaStache-RosenandZemeyRinpoche,IfoundapurposeasIstruggledthroughmyveryunconventionaleducation.Inmyprofessionallife,servingtheDalaiLamasoclosely,Ihavehadtheprivilegeofwitnessing,fromthefrontseatasitwere,whatitmeansforsomeonetolivealifewithcompleteconvictioninthisdefininghumanqualitywecallcompassion.

TodayIamahusbandandafatheroftwoteenagedaughters.IliveinaNorthAmericancityandleadalifeverydifferentfromtheoneIwasusedtoinaTibetanmonasteryinIndia.Onadailybasis,Istrugglelikemostpeoplewiththetypicalchallengesofafast-pacedmodernlife—balancingwork,family,andrelationships,payingthebills—whilemaintainingsanity,asenseofproportion,andbasicoptimism.Remarkably,it’sintheteachingsofmyownTibetanBuddhisttraditionthatIfindmanyofthetoolsthathelpmenavigatethechallengesofeverydaylivinginthecontemporaryworld.Ihopetosharesomeoftheseinthisbook.

Whatiscompassion?Mostofusvaluecompassionandagreethatitisimportantbothinourownlivesaswellasinsocietymoregenerally.Undeniably,compassionisalsopartofoureverydayexperienceofbeinghuman.Weloveandcareforourchildren;confrontedwithsomeoneinpain,weinstinctivelyfeelforthatperson;whensomeonereachesouttousinatimeofdistresswefeeltouched.Mostofuswouldalsoagreethatcompassionhassomethingtodowithwhatitmeanstoleadagoodlife.Soit’snosmallcoincidencethatcompassionturnsouttobethecommongroundwheretheethicalteachingsofallmajortraditions,religiousandhumanistic,cometogether.Eveninthecontestedpoliticalarena,compassionisonevaluethatbothsidesofthespectrumareeagertoclaim.

Despiteourwidelysharedexperienceandbeliefsaboutcompassion,wefailtogiveitacentralroleinourlivesandinoursociety.Inourcontemporaryculture,wetendtohavearatherconfusedrelationshipwithvalueslikekindnessandcompassion.InthesecularWest,welackacoherentculturalframeworkforarticulatingwhatcompassionisandhowitworks.Tosomepeople,it’samatterofreligionandmorality,aprivateconcernoftheindividualwithlittleornosocietalrelevance.Othersquestiontheverypossibilityofselflessnessforhumanbeings,andaresuspiciousofsentimentslikecompassionthathaveotherpeople’swelfareastheprimaryconcern.Awell-knownscientistonceremarked,“Scratchanaltruistandwatchahypocritebleed.”Attheotherextreme,somepeopleelevatethesequalitiestosuchheightsthattheyareoutofreachformostofus,possibleonlyforexceptionalindividualslikeMotherTeresa,NelsonMandela,andtheDalaiLama.Compassionthenbecomessomethingtobeadmiredatadistanceingreatbeings,butnotrelevanttooureverydaylives.

Broadlydefined,compassionisasenseofconcernthatariseswhenweareconfrontedwithanother’ssufferingandfeelmotivatedtoseethatsufferingrelieved.TheEnglishwordcompassion,fromitsLatinroot,literallymeans“tosufferwith.”AccordingtoreligioushistorianKarenArmstrong,thewordforcompassioninSemiticlanguages—rahamanutinHebrewandrahmaninArabic—isetymologicallyrelatedtothewordforwomb,evokingthemother’sloveforherchildasanarchetypalexpressionofourcompassion.Atitscore,compassionisaresponsetotheinevitablerealityofourhumancondition—ourexperienceofpainandsorrow.

Compassionoffersthepossibilityofrespondingtosufferingwithunderstanding,patience,andkindnessratherthan,say,fearandrepulsion.Assuch,compassionletsusopenourselvestotherealityofsufferingandseekitsalleviation.Compassioniswhatconnectsthefeelingofempathytoactsofkindness,generosity,andotherexpressionsofouraltruistictendencies.

Whencompassionarisesinusinthefaceofneedorsuffering,threethingshappenalmostinstantaneously:Weperceivetheother’ssufferingorneed;weemotionallyconnectwiththatneedorsuffering;andwerespondinstinctivelybywishingtoseethatsituationrelieved.Compassionmayleadtoaction;itisareadinesstohelporwantingtodosomethingourselvesaboutanotherperson’ssituation.Today,scientistsarebeginningtomaptheneurobiologicalbasisofcompassionandexploreitsdeepevolutionaryroots.

Asasociety,wehavelongignoredthefundamentalroleourcompassioninstinctplaysindefiningournatureandbehavior.Wehaveboughtintoapopularnarrativethatseekstoexplainallourbehaviorthroughtheprismofcompetitionandself-interest.Thisisthestorywehavebeentellingaboutourselves.

ourselves.Thethingaboutastorylikethisisthatittendstobeself-fulfilling.Whenour

storysaysthatweareatheartselfishandaggressivecreatures,weassumethateverymanisforhimself.Inthis“dogeatdogworld”itisonlylogical,then,toseeothersasasourceofrivalryandantagonism.Andsowerelatetootherswithapprehension,fear,andsuspicion,insteadoffellowfeelingandasenseofconnection.Bycontrast,ifourstorysaysthatwearesocialcreaturesendowedwithinstinctsforcompassionandkindness,andthatasdeeplyinterdependentbeingsourwelfareisintertwined,thistotallychangesthewayweview—andbehavein—theworld.Sothestorieswetellaboutourselvesdomatter,quiteprofoundlyso.

WhyCompassionNow?

Todayseveralforcesareconvergingthatindicatethatcompassion’stimehascome.Asourworldbecomessmaller—withourpopulationrapidlyincreasingagainstfinitenaturalresources;environmentalproblemsthataffectusall;andtheproximityofpeoples,cultures,andreligionsbroughtaboutbytechnology,demographicchanges,andaglobaleconomy—wearebeingurgentlycalledtofosterthespiritofcoexistenceandcooperation.Weactuallyareinthistogether.Thisrealityoftheonenessofhumankindiswhatcompassionisallabout.If,forexample,theworld’sbelieverscollectivelyreaffirmedcompassionasthefoundationoftheirteachings,therewouldbearobustcommongroundonwhichmillionsofpeoplecouldcometogetherandrespecteachother.InaseriesofmovingdialogueswiththeDalaiLama,thenotedemotionscientistPaulEkmanmakesapowerfulcasethatwhathecalls“globalcompassion”isthemostimportantchallengeofourtime.Ifwe,asindividualsandtogetherasaglobalsociety,cantakethecompassionatepartofournatureseriously,wehavearealchanceofmakingamorehumaneworld.

Findingsfromdiversefields—primatestudies,childdevelopmentpsychology,neuroscience,neweconomics—showthatwearenotjustself-seekingandcompetitivecreatures,butwearecaringandcooperativebeingsaswell.Thisgivesushope.Furthermore,thankstonewbrainimagingtechnologiesandthediscoveryofbrainplasticity—howourbrainphysicallychangesinresponsetoourenvironmentandexperiencesthroughoutourlives—researchersarealsobeginningtounderstandhowconsciousmentaltrainingsuchasmeditationaffectsourbrain.Brainimagingstudiesonlong-termmeditatorsbythenotedpsychologistandneuroscientistRichardDavidsonandothershave

openednewavenuesforexploringtheeffectsofmeditationattheneuronallevel.Thesedevelopmentsinsciencehaveledtoanentirenewfieldcalledcontemplativescience,whichstudiestheeffectsofcontemplativepracticelikemeditationonhealth,cognitivedevelopment,emotionregulation,andmore.Bytrainingourmind,thisnewfieldofsciencetellsus,wecanliterallychangeourbrain.

Irememberyearsago,atoneoftheMindandLifeDialoguesathisresidenceinIndia,theDalaiLamathrewachallengetothescientistswhowerepresent.“Youscientists,”hesaid,“havedonearemarkablejobmappingthepathologiesofthehumanmind.Butyouhavedonelittleornoworkonthepositivequalitieslikecompassion,letalonetheirpotentialforcultivation.Contemplativetraditions,ontheotherhand,havedevelopedtechniquestotrainourmindandenhancethepositivequalitieslikecompassion.Sowhynotuseyourpowerfultoolsnowtostudytheeffectsofthesecontemplativepractices?Oncewehavebetterscientificunderstandingoftheeffectsofthesetrainingswecanthenoffersomeofthemtothewiderworld,notasspiritualpracticesbutastechniquesformentalandemotionalwell-being.”

Thosewerepropheticwords,astheremarkablestoryofmindfulnessdemonstrates.MindfulnessintheWestbeganwithBuddhistmeditations—especiallyofatypedevelopedforlaypracticeinBurmaattheturnofthetwentiethcentury—whichsomepioneeringBuddhistAmericanssuchasJackKornfieldandJosephGoldsteinbroughtbacktoAmericainthe1970safterspendingyearsinmonasteriesinSoutheastAsia.TheinfluencesoftheBurmese-IndianteacherS.N.GoenkaandtheZenteacherThichNhatHanhwerealsokeyinthismovement.In1979,JonKabat-ZinnopenedaclinicatUniversityofMassachusettsmedicalschoolforpeoplewithchronicpain,usingaspeciallydevelopedmindfulnesspractice.ThiscametobeknownasMBSR(mindfulness-basedstressreduction).Basedonthesuccessofthistreatment,Kabat-ZinnwroteFullCatastropheLiving,whichpresentedtheprogramandpracticewithguidedmeditationsonCDs.Bythetimehissecondbook,WhereverYouGo,ThereYouAre,cameout,theclinicalworldhadtakenonmindfulness,tryingoutitstherapeuticpotentialforallsortsofproblems,includingstress,chronicpain,andattentiondeficit.

Inthepastdecadeorso,NIHgrantsrelatedtomindfulness-basedinterventionstudieshaveincreasedexponentially,tothetuneoftensofmillionsofdollars.TheDalaiLama’sexplicitadvocacyforadaptingBuddhist-basedmentaltrainingpracticesforthesecularworldhasalsoplayedasignificantpartinraisingawarenessofthebenefitsofmindfulness.Todaymindfulnessturnsupintherapy,inmanagementandleadershiptraining,inschools,andincompetitivesports.Phrasessuchas“mindfulparenting,”“mindfulleadership,”

competitivesports.Phrasessuchas“mindfulparenting,”“mindfulleadership,”“mindfulschools,”and“mindfulnessforstressmanagement”aremainstream.Andsearchingfor“mindfulness”inbooktitlesonAmazoncallsupmorethanthreethousandbooks.

Thestageisnowsetforcompassiontomakethenextbigimpactinourworld.Thereisagrowingscientificmovementtoredefinetheplaceofcompassioninourunderstandingofhumannatureandbehavior.Therapiesbasedoncompassiontrainingareshowingpromiseformentalhealthconditionsrangingfromsocialphobiatoexcessivenegativeself-judgment,andfrompost-traumaticstressdisordertoeatingdisorders.Educatorsareexploringwaystobringkindnessandcompassionintoschoolsaspartofourchildren’ssocial,emotional,andethicaldevelopment.Inthiscontext,anopportunitycametometodesignastandardizedprogramforsecularcompassiontrainingknowntodayascompassioncultivationtraining(CCT).

CompassionCultivationTrainingatStanford

ThestoryofCCTbeganinthewinterof2007whenImetJimDoty,aneurosurgeonwithanentrepreneurialspirit.Jimwantedtocreateaforumforprofessionalsofallstripestoscientificallyexplorealtruisticbehavioranditsunderlyingmotivations,especiallycompassion.HeaskedmeifIwasinterested.WasIever.TheresultwasCCARE,theCenterforCompassionandAltruismResearchandEducation,atStanfordUniversity,whichhashelpedplacethestudyofcompassionsquarelywithinestablishedscience.AsavisitingscholaratStanford,Ihelpeddevelopedcompassioncultivationtraining.

CCTstartedasaneight-weekprogram,aweeklytwo-hourinteractiveclasscoveringintroductorypsychologyandguidedmeditationpracticestohelpdevelopgreaterawarenessandunderstandingofthedynamicsofourthoughts,emotions,andbehavior.Participantsdo“homework”betweenclasses:prerecordedguidedmeditationslastingaboutfifteenminutesatfirstandincreasingtohalfanhour.Inaddition,theydoinformalpractices,usingtheopportunitiesofeverydaylifetoworkwiththelessonsofthatparticularweek.

Youmightask:HoweffectivecanmeditationpracticesdrawnfromtraditionalBuddhisttechniquesbeonceyoustripthemoftheirreligiouselements?Myviewsonthisquestionarestraightforward.AsaprofessionaltranslatorIhavelongadmiredwhatRalphWaldoEmersonsaidabouttranslatabilityacrosslanguages.InamemorablepassageinSocietyandSolitude,Emersonwrote,“Whatisreallybestinanybookistranslatable—anyrealinsight

orhumansentiment.”Ibelievethatthisprincipleholdstruenotjustfortranslationacrosslanguagesbutalsoforotherformsofcommunicationweusetotransmitinsightsintothehumancondition.IftraditionalBuddhistcompassionpracticestouchusinfundamentalwaysthathelpnurtureanddevelopourbetterself,clearlythesetraditionaltechniquescanbetranslatedintoformsthatwecanallunderstand,nomatterourrace,religion,orculture.Inotherwords,thedeepestandbesttruthsareuniversal.

Initially,CCTwasofferedtoStanfordundergraduatesandthegeneralpubliclivingnearby,andwefine-tunedtheprogrambasedonthisearlyexperience.Forexample,Irecognizedthatthefirstversionoftheprogramreliedtooheavilyonmeditationpractice,whichdidn’tworksowellforpeoplewhowerenottemperamentallyinclinedtothesilent,reflectiveapproachtypicalofformalsitting.Forthesepeople,moreactiveorinteractiveexercisesprovedmoreeffectiveinevokingthementalandemotionalstatesweaimedtocultivate.So,Iincorporatednon-meditativetechniques.Interactiveexercises—twopeopleengagingnonjudgmentally,practicingunderstandingandempathy,forexample—andclassdiscussionswereespeciallyhelpfulhere.

TomakethetrainingmorecomprehensiveIsoughtthehelpofseveralcolleagues,especiallythreeremarkableteachers—KellyMcGonigal,alectureratStanfordandwell-knownyogaandmeditationteacher;MargaretCullen,amarriageandfamilytherapistandcertifiedmindfulnesstrainer;andErikaRosenberg,anemotionresearcherandmeditationteacher.ThesethreecolleaguesbecamethefirstseniorteachersofCCT,laterjoinedbyMonicaHansonandLeahWeiss.(LeahworkedalsoasthedirectorofcompassioneducationatCCARE.)ItwasKellyandLeahwho,inconsultationwiththeteam,designedacomprehensiveteachertrainingcourseonCCT.Todate,morethanahundredinstructorshavebeenformallytrainedtoteachthiscourse.ThroughthemCCThasbeenofferedtoawiderangeofparticipants—fromStanfordundergraduatestothegeneralpublicinPaloAltoandtheBayArea;fromcancersupportnetworkstoVAresidentialtreatmentcentersforPTSD(post-traumaticstressdisorder);andfromamajorprivatehealthcaregroupinSanDiegototheengineersofGoogleandstudentsatStanfordBusinessSchool.Ishareinthisbooksomeofthestoriesfromthefield.Forthosewhoareinterested,Iprovide,intheendnotes,thesourcesIhaveused,includingthescientificstudiescitedinthebook.

TheDalaiLamaoncesaidthatheenvisionsatimewhen,justastodayweacceptgooddietandexerciseaskeytophysicalhealth,theworldwillcometorecognizetheimportanceofmentalcareandtrainingformentalhealthandhumanflourishing.Thattimemaynotbesofaraway.

AboutThisBook

HereiswhatI’mtryingtosay:Compassionisfundamentaltoourbasicnatureashumanbeings.Connectingwithourcompassionatepart,nurturingit,andrelatingtoourselves,others,andtheworldaroundusfromthisplaceisthekeytoourhappinessasindividualsandoursocietalwell-being.Eachoneofuscantakestepstomakecompassionacentralrealityofourownlivesandoursharedworld.InPartIIofthisbook,Iwillshowyouthosesteps.

Theaimofthisbookisthussimpleandambitious:toredefinecompassionassomethingwecanallgrasp,andtorepositionitinourlivesandinoursocietyassomethingwewanttodo—notjustsomethingweshoulddo.Ihopetobringcompassiondownfromthepedestalofahighidealandmakeitanactiveforceinthemessyrealitythatiseverydayhumanlife.Bypresentingasystematictrainingofourmindandheart,thisbookmapsthewaytomakingcompassionourbasicstance,theveryanchorofahappier,lessstressful,morefulfillinglifeandamorestableandpeacefulworld.

Forit’saparadoxofcompassionthatweourselvesareoneofitsgreatestbeneficiaries.AswewillseeinPartI,compassionmakesushappier.Itgetsusoutofourusualheadfullofdisappointments,regrets,andworriesaboutourselvesandfocusedonsomethingbigger.Perhapscounterintuitively,compassionmakesusmoreoptimistic,becausealthoughitisfocusedonsuffering,itisanenergizedstateconcernedwiththeultimatelypositivewishfortheendofsufferingaswellasthepossibilityofdoingsomethingaboutit.Compassiongivesusasenseofpurposebeyondourhabitualpettyobsessions.Itlightensourheartandliftsourstress.Itmakesusmorepatientwithandunderstandingofourselvesandothers.Itgivesourmindsanalternativetoangerandotherreactivestates,whichhasbeenshowntobeparticularlyhelpfulforveteranswithPTSD.Andcompassionmakesuslesslonelyandlessafraid.Also,inanicetwist,compassionmakesusbenefitmorefromotherpeople’skindnesstowardus.

OneCCTparticipant,athirty-two-year-oldphysicianatabusyoutpatientclinic,describedhowcompassionhelpedher:

Isometimesseethirty-fivepatientsaday.Istoppedfeelingconnectedwithmypatients.Theyseemedtohavebecomejustnumbers.Iwasfeelingtotallyburnedoutandoverwhelmed.Iwaseventhinkingofquittingmedicine.AfterItookCCTandbegancompassionpractice,thingsbegantochangeforme.Ichanged.I

startedusingthethreedeepbreathsbeforeenteringtheexamroomandinmyheadIdidnottakethelastpatientintotheroomwithme.SomehowIcouldpayattentiontojustthepersonintheroom.Thesufferingofthepatientbeforemebegantomatteragain.MoreimportantIrealizedIcouldgivethatpersonmycaringbesideswritingthemaprescription.Myworkdayisstilltoobusyandtherearetoomanydemands,butIfeellessstressed.ItfeelslikewhatIdohasmeaningagainandIfeelmorebalanced.Iintendtokeeppracticingmedicineandcompassion.

Icelebratethefactthat,ashumans,weareneverquitefreefromthedictatesofcompassion.Wewerebornatthemercyofsomeoneelse’scare.Wegrewupandsurvivedintoadulthoodbecausewereceivedcarefromothers.Evenattheheightofourautonomyasadults,thepresenceorabsenceofothers’affectionpowerfullydefinesourhappinessormisery.Thisishumannature—we’revulnerable,andit’sagoodthing.Afearlessheartembracesthisfundamentaltruthofourhumancondition.Wecandevelopthecouragetoseeandbemorecompassionatelyintheworld,toliveourliveswithourheartswideopentothepain—andjoy—ofbeinghumanonthisplanet.Asutterlysocialandmoralcreatures,weeachyearntoberecognizedandvalued.Welongtomatter,especiallyinthelivesofthosewhomwelove.Weliketobelievethatourexistenceservesapurpose.Weare“meaning-seeking”creatures.It’sthroughconnectingwithotherpeople,actuallymakingadifferencetoothers,andbringingjoyintotheirlivesthatwemakeourownlivesmatter,thatwebringworthandpurposetoourlives.Thisisthepowerofcompassion.

PARTI

WhyCompassionMatters

M

1TheBestKeptSecretofHappiness

COMPASSION

Whatisthatonething,whichwhenyoupossess,youhaveallothervirtues?It’scompassion.

—ATTRIBUTEDTOTHEBUDDHA

Whatwisdomcanyoufindthatisgreaterthankindness?—JEAN-JACQUESROUSSEAU(1712–1778)

ymotherdiedwhenIwasnine.IwasthenataTibetanrefugeeboardingschoolinShimla.Myparentswerepartofalargenumberofrefugees—

morethaneightythousand—whofledTibetinthewakeoftheDalaiLama’sescapetoIndiain1959.ManyoftheTibetans,includingmyparents,endedupinroadconstructioncampsinnorthernIndia.WithTibetnowannexedbythePeople’sRepublicofChina,Indiasuddenlyneededtodefendaninternationalbordermorethantwothousandmileslong.Hencetheurgentneedfornewroads.TherefugeesnewlyarrivedfromTibetweretheperfectlaborforcetotakeonthischallengeofhigh-altituderoadbuilding.MyparentsworkedontheroadfromthepicturesquehillstationofShimla,atownthatsitsatanaltitudeabovesixty-fivehundredfeet,tothemountainousTibetanborder.Despitethephysicalhardships,movingcampeveryfewmonthsastheroadprogressed,andbeingseparatedfromtheirchildrenmuchofthetime,myparentssucceededincreatingfondmemoriesofearlychildhoodforme.Istillfeelwarmandgratefulrecallingthoseyears.

Ilaterfoundoutthatmymotherhaddiedfromatotallypreventablecause.Whilegivingbirthtomysisterattheconstructioncamp,shehadsufferedfrombleedingcomplicatedbytheroaddustandlackofmedicalcare.Thenshehazardedthesix-hourbusridefromShimlatoDharamsalatovisitmyfather,whohadbeengravelyillandwasattheTibetanmedicalclinicthere.Afewdays

whohadbeengravelyillandwasattheTibetanmedicalclinicthere.AfewdaysafterherarrivalinDharamsala,mymotherpassedaway.BythenmyyoungerbrotherwasalreadyboardingattheTibetanChildren’sVillageinDharamsala.Withnoonetolookaftermyinfantsister,shetoowasleftinthecareoftheChildren’sVillage.Iremembervisitingthe“babyroom,”thebungalowwithagreentinroofandneatrowsofcribs,wheremysisterlivedamongtheothersmallchildren,manyofthemorphans.IwaitedattheedgeoftheverandawithsomecandiesIwouldgiveher,andoneofthehousemothersbroughthertome.

Soonafter,whenmyfatherrecovered,hebecameamonkandjoinedamonastery.

ThankgoodnessformyunclePenpa.Mymother’sbrotherwasatall,thinmanwithhighcheekbonesandahintofalimpfromaweakknee.Unlikemyfather,whohadwornhishairinthetraditionalstyleoftwolong,red-tassledbraidswrappedaroundhishead,UnclePenpakepthishairshortand“modern,”complementedbyathinmustache.Beinganex-monk,hewasliterateandhadalsotaughthimselfenoughEnglishtoreadthesignsonthebusesandtrains.AtatimewhenIfeltlikeanorphan,myunclePenpatreatedmeasifIwashisownchild.Twoofhisdaughtersattendedmyboardingschool,andeverytimeUnclePenpacametoseethem,ortookthemforavacationtotheroadconstructioncamp,heincludedmeaswell.Attheendoftheseweeklongsojourns,hewouldgiveeachofusexactlythesameamountofpocketmoney:twoIndianrupees,aboutfivecents.AsIgrewupandunderstoodmorefullythehardshipsmyuncleandmyparentsexperiencedinthoseearlydaysofrefugeelifeinIndia,Icametoappreciatehiscompassionandkindnessevenmore.Theywerestrangersinanewcountry,livinginmakeshiftroadsidetents,intherelentlessrainoftheIndianmonsoon.Moneywasscarce,butmyunclesharedwithmewhatlittlehehad.UnclePenpabecameoneofthemostimportantpeopleinmylifeandIremainedclosetohimuntilhisdeath,despiteallthechangesthattookmesofarawayfromhisfamiliarworld.

BorntoConnect

AsTVnewscastersremindedusintheircoverageofthe2013BostonMarathonbombing,theAmericaneducatorandtelevisionhostFredRogersoncesaid,“WhenIwasaboyandIwouldseescarythingsinthenews,mymotherwouldsaytome,‘Lookforthehelpers.Youwillalwaysfindpeoplewhoarehelping.’”WesawtheminBoston:onlookersspontaneouslyrushingintoaterrifyingscenetohelpthevictims.Ifwelook,wewillalwaysfindpeoplewhoarehelping,inbigwaysorsmall,becauseit’soneofthethingswehumanswereborntodo.

bigwaysorsmall,becauseit’soneofthethingswehumanswereborntodo.MyunclePenpawasn’tasaint.Hewasapersonborn,asweallare,withthe

naturalcapacitytofeelotherpeople’spainandcareabouttheirwell-being.ExtraordinarilycompassionatepeoplesuchasMotherTeresaandtheDalaiLamamayseemliketheybelongtoadifferentspecies,butthey’rehumantoo.However,ourinstinctforcompassionismorelikeourabilitytolearnalanguageratherthan,say,thecolorofoureyes.NoteveryonewillacquireShakespeare’smasterywithwords,butwebecome,throughexposureandpractice,expertsinlanguageinourownway.MotherTeresaandtheDalaiLamagotgoodatcompassionbecausetheyworkedatit.Theseedofcompassionispresentinallofus.

Also,aswewillsee,smallactsofcompassioncanhaveabiggerimpactthanyoumightexpect.

HistoricallyintheWest,atleastsincetheEnlightenmentandespeciallysinceDarwin’stheoryofevolution,thedominantviewofwhoweareasaspeciesportraysourbasicnatureasselfish,withcompetitionasourfundamentaldrive.ThomasHuxley,oftendescribedasDarwin’s“bulldog”forhistenacityinpropagatingDarwin’sideas,usedTennyson’sfamousphrase“natureredintoothandclaw.”Huxleysawhumanexistenceasagladiator’sshow,inwhich“thestrongest,theswiftest,andthecunningestlivetofightanotherday.”Buildingonthisassumptionofourselfishnature,scientistsandphilosophershavesubsequentlygonetogreatlengthstoreducethemotivebehindeveryhumanactiontoself-interest.Iftheself-interestunderlyingaparticularbehaviorhadnotyetbeenrevealed,theexplanationwastaken,especiallyamongthescientificallyeducated,tobeincomplete;thenotionthatanyhumanbehaviormightbetrulyselflesswasdismissedasaformofnaïveté.Atbest,selflessbehaviormustbeirrationalandispossiblydetrimentaltothepersonwhoengagesinit.Atworst,altruistsarehypocritesordeceivingthemselves.

Ihavealwaysfoundthisperspectivetobeuncharitabletowardourselves,tosaytheleast.InmyformativeyearsasayoungmonkIlearnedtheclassicalBuddhistview,whichunderstandscompassion(andotherpositivequalities)tobeinnate,itsexpressionthroughkindnesscompletelynatural.It’samatterofcultivatingourbetterparts,whilecurbingourmoredestructivetendenciessuch

asanger,aggression,jealousy,andgreed.Oh,theargumentsIusedtohaveaboutaltruismwithfellowstudentsat

Cambridge!IwouldcitetheexampleofMotherTeresaandherworkforthedestituteintheCalcuttaslums,andsomeonewouldcounter,“Theremustbesomethinginitforher;otherwiseshewouldn’tbedoingit.”So,I’vebeenlookingmywholecareerfordissenterstotheselfishparadigm.TheirranksaregrowingintheWest,anditwillbemypleasuretointroduceyoutomanyofthemthroughoutthisbook.TheAmericanphilosopherThomasNagel,forone,madethecasethataltruismisnot,atleastasaconcept,incoherent.PsychologistDanielBatsonspentmuchofhisresearchcareerdemonstratingthatgenuineselflesshumanbehaviordoesexist.Itseemswehumanshaven’tgivenourselvesenoughcredit—andwesufferfromtheself-fulfillingprophecyofselfishness.

IAmtheOther

Today,thereisagrowingrecognitionevenwithinsciencethattheselfishviewofhumannatureissimplistic.Inadditiontoself-interest,ourscientificpicturemustalsoembracethefundamentalrolesthatcaringandnurturinginstinctsplayasdriversofhumanbehavior.Werecognizecooperationinhumanevolutionalongsidecompetition.Oneimportantforcewithinthisnewscientificmovementhascomefromthestudyofempathy.Indisciplinesrangingfromnonhumanprimatestudiestochilddevelopmentalpsychology,aswellasneuroscienceandneuroeconomics(asubsetofeconomicsthatusesneuroscientificmethodstostudyeconomicbehavior),newresearchshowsthatwearemotivatedbyempathy.

Whatisempathy?It’sournaturalabilitytounderstandotherpeople’sfeelingsandshareintheirexperience.Itthusconsistsoftwokeycomponents:anemotionalresponsetosomeone’sfeelings,andcognitiveunderstandingofhisorhersituation.Ouremotionalresponsemaytaketheformofresonance,inwhichweexperienceanemotionsimilartotheotherperson’s,akindoffeelingwith;oritcouldbeafeelingfortheother,suchasasenseofsorrowforaperson’smisfortune,withoutactuallyfeelingwhatthatpersonisfeeling.

TheEnglishwordempathywascoinedbythepsychologistEdwardB.Titchenerin1909totranslateaGermanmouthful,einfühlungsvermögen,whichemergedsometimeinthenineteenthcentury.Literallymeaning“tobeabletofeelwith,”thisGermantermconnotessensitivitytoothers’feelings.Despitetherecentpedigreeoftheword,peoplehavelongrecognizedthephenomenon.TheideaofempathyliesattheheartoftheGoldenRule(Dountootherswhatyou

wouldhavethemdountoyou),whichunderpinstheethicalteachingsofallmajorspiritualtraditions.InoneoftheformulationsofthisruleintheBuddhistsources—“Takeyourownbodyasanexample/Anddonotcauseharmonothers”—theconnectionwithempathyisevenmoreexplicit.

Theconceptofempathyisalsopresentinnonreligioussources.InJean-JacquesRousseau’sphilosophicalnovelEmile,heasks,“Howdoweletourselvesbemovedbypityifnotbytransportingourselvesoutsideofourselvesandidentifyingwiththesufferer;byleaving,asitwere,ourownbeingtotakeonitsbeing?”TheScottishphilosopherDavidHumecomparesournaturalfeelingforotherpeople,asweresonatewiththeirpainsandpleasuresasiftheywereourown,tothewayaviolin’sstringsresonatewiththesoundsofotherstrings.AdamSmith,oneofthefoundersofthetheoryofmarketeconomy,thoughtourimaginativetransportationofourselvesintotheotherisinfact“thesourceofourfellow-feelingforthemiseryofothers.”CharlesDarwinhimselfspokeofour“well-endowedsocialinstincts,”andsuggestedthatsuchinstincts“leadananimaltotakepleasureinthesocietyofitsfellows,tofeelacertainamountofsympathywiththem,andtoperformvariousservicesforthem.”

TheBuddhistsourcesexpresssimilarideasfromadifferentperspective.Wereadaboutournaturalcapacityforempathyarisingfromourfeltsenseofconnection,oridentification,withtheother.SomeoftheearlyBuddhisttextsdescribethisidentificationas“clearappreciation”oftheother’ssentientnature,whileothersourcescharacterizeitasa“senseofregardfortheother”or“valuingtheother.”Inthisway,whenweempathizewearen’tjustacknowledgingsomeoneelse’sfeelings;wearehonoringthem.

Inthebrain,empathyinvolvesseveralimportantsystems.Firstandforemostisthelimbicsystem,knownespeciallyforitsroleinprocessingemotionalsignals.Second,empathyactivatesneuralnetworksthatarepartoftheattachmentsystem,whichplaysacrucialroleintheinteractionbetweenaninfantandanattachmentfiguresuchasitsmother.Finally,whenitarisesinresponsetosomeoneelse’ssuffering,empathyisassociatedwithwhatscientistscallthepainmatrix,thosebrainregionsassociatedwithourpersonalexperienceofpain.Brainimagingindicatesthatourempathyhasdeeprootsinpartsofthebrainthatareevolutionarilyancient,aswellasinnewerpartssuchasthecorticalregionsthatenableustotakeonanotherperson’sperspective.Findingsfromneurosciencealsoindicatehow,atleastinourhumanexperienceofempathy,thereisanintimateconnectionbetweenourperceptionsandattitudesontheonehandandouremotionsandmotivationsontheother.Soifwechangeourperceptionofandattitudestowardsomeone,wecanactuallychangethewaywefeelabouthimorher.

WheretheResearchIsTakingUs

Howfarbackintoearlychildhooddotherootsofourcaringandkindnessgo?Twopsychologists,FelixWarnekenandMichaelTomasello,examinedthisquestionexperimentallyasateam.Theystudiedwhetherveryyoungchildren(fourteentoeighteenmonths)exhibitgenuinehelpingbehavior.Oneexperimentinvolvedapersonhangingatowelonaclotheslineandaccidentallydroppingaclothespin,whichhepretendshecan’treach.Inanotherscenario,theexperimentertriestoputastackofmagazinesinsideacabinetbutpretendsthathecannotopenthecabinetdoorbecausehishandsarefull.Inbothofthesesituations,almostallofthechildrenreachedoutandhelped.Insubsequentstudies,WarnekenandTomasellofoundthatchildrenwerewillingtohelpevenwhendoingsoinvolvedhardshipandinterruptingtheirplay.

Interestingly,theyalsofoundthatrewardingthechildrenwascounterproductive.Thechildrenwhowererewardedforhelpingwerelaterlesslikelytohelpthanthosewhohadneverbeenrewarded.Studiesalsoshowthatinfantsasyoungassixmonthsdemonstrateclearpreferencefortoysthatenacthelpingbehaviorratherthanhindering.IfonlyI’dhadthisexampleformyargumentsaboutselflessnessatCambridge.

Personally,Ihavemadesimilarfindingswithmyownchildren.Whenmyelderdaughter,Khando,wasaroundfifteenmonthsold,myfather-in-lawwaspainfullywaitingforahipsurgery.Heneededacanetowalk,andoften,toreducethepain,hewouldlieflatonhisbellyonthebed.Khandowouldspontaneouslybringthecaneandofferittohimwhenevershebecameawarethathergrandfatherneededtogetupandwalk.

Whatallofthesefindingssuggestisthis:Ourcapacityforempathy,compassion,kindness,andaltruisticbehaviorisinborn,ratherthanacquiredthroughsocializationorculturalexposure.Onlylater,throughsocialization,dowebegintodifferentiatebetweenthosewhoareworthyofourkindnessandthosewhoarenot.So,tosomeextent,Rousseauwasrightwhenhespokeofsocietyhavingacorruptinginfluenceonaninfant’spureinstinctforkindness.Asthewell-knownpioneerinthefieldofcontemplativescienceRichardDavidsonhasargued,ifournaturalcapacityforcompassionisakintoourcapacityforlanguage,theninapersonwhodoesn’tencountercompassion(orlanguage)inherformativeyears,thiscapacitymayunfortunatelyremainundevelopedandunexpressed.

TheBenefitsofCompassion

TheBenefitsofCompassion

Empathyisfeelingfor(orwith)otherpeopleandunderstandingtheirfeelings.Whenwewitnessanotherpersonsuffering,inparticular,compassionarisesfromempathy,addingthedimensionsofwishingtoseethereliefofsufferingandwantingtodosomethingaboutit.Compassionisamoreempoweredstateandmorethananempathicresponsetothesituation.Kindnessistheexpressionofthatcompassionthroughhelping,abasicformofaltruism.Compassioniswhatmakesitpossibleforourempathicreactiontomanifestinkindness.

Mostofushaveexperienced,atsomepointinourlives,thepowerofkindness,orcompassioninaction.Wehavefeltitasrecipientsofothers’kindness,asIdidwithmyunclePenpa,andwehavebeenthesourceofkindnessforsomeoneelse.Whetherit’sasimplesmileorakindnodfromacolleaguewhenweareeagertobeacknowledged,afriendlisteningpatientlyaswerantaboutsomefrustration,wisecounselatacriticalmomentfromateacherwhotrulycares,alovinghugfromaspousewhenwefeeldown,orhelpfromsomeoneduringareallyhardtime,whentheraysofkindnesstouchuswefeelrelaxed,acknowledged,andvalued—inshort,wefeelaffirmed.Toooften,though,weforgettobekindorwedon’tappreciatekindnessenough.Helpingothersispartoftheeverydayrealityofparents,grown-upchildrenlookingaftertheirelderlyparents,healthcareworkerscaringforthesick,andteacherstakingcareofchildreneverywhereintheworld—kindnessessoubiquitousthatwetakethemforgranted.Orwethinkofkindnessasanicebutinessentialextrainlife,aluxuryifanyonecanaffordthetimeandenergyittakes,wheninfactourhealth,happiness,andourwholeworlddependonourgivingandreceivingkindness.

Mostofuswouldsaywearecompassionate.Ifyou’rereadingthisbook,probablyyouwouldsaythatcompassionisanimportantpartofyouridentity.Thatsaid,mostofushavethesethoughtsaboutcompassionandleaveitatthat.Unlessweworkatcompassion,unlesswepracticeandchangeourhabitsandmakeitanactiveforceinourlives,itwillonlybesomethingthathappenstous—wegetangrywhenprovoked,feelcompassionwhentriggered—anautomaticreactiontothepainandneedsofourlovedones,orsometimestostrangersinacutedistress.Ifweleaveitatthat,wefailtotapintothetransformativepowerofcompassion.

ReceivingKindnessCanyouthinkofsomeoneinyourownlifewhohasbeenafigureofkindnessforyou,themererecollectionofwhomfillsyouwithjoyandgratitude?Itmightbea

teacherwhogentlynudgedyoualongatschoolandhelpedyoutorecognizeyourpersonalstrengthsearlyon.Itmightbealoyalfriendwholetsyouknowshehasyourback.Oritcouldbeyourparents,whoprovidedyouwithapowerfulanchorasyougrewup.Ifnomemoryofaspecificpersoncomesupimmediately,leavethequestionopenandsleeponit.

Whyisitthatthekindnessofothers,especiallywhenreceivedatacriticalpointinourlives,hasthepowertoleavesuchadeepimprintinourminds?Thesimpleansweristhatsuchanacttouchesusatthedeepestlevelofourhumanity—wherewearemosthuman—withapowerfullyfeltneedforkindnessandconnection.

Wecanallseethatwebenefitfromotherpeople’skindness,butnoteveryonebenefitsequally.Howmuchwedobenefitappearstobeinfluencedbyhowcompassionateweareourselves.Ateamofscientistsstudiedfifty-ninewomenintheSanFranciscoBayArea.Participantsfilledoutaquestionnairethatmeasuredtheirindividuallevelofcompassion;theywerethenrandomlydividedintotwogroups.Aboutaweeklater,theparticipantscametoalaboratorysession,wheretheywereaskedtodothreethings:giveaspeechinthepresenceoftwoexperimenters,participateinaninterview,anddoamathtask.Eachpersonwasgivenfiveminutestothinkaboutaspeech,whiletheywerehookeduptomachines,suchaselectroencephalographs,thatwouldmeasurebrainwavesandcertainbodyfunctions.Foronegroup,oneoftheexperimentersmadepositivecommentssuchas“Youaredoinggreat,”orsmiled,noddedinagreement,ormadeotheraffirminggestureswhiletheparticipantsengagedinthetasks.Fortheothergroup,theexperimentersdidnotofferanypositiveencouragement.

Strikingly,theparticipantswhoscoredhighonthecompassionscaleandreceivedsupportivesignalsfromanexperimenterhadlowerbloodpressure,lowercortisolreactivity,andhigherheartratevariability—allproventobeassociatedwithphysicalhealthandsocialwell-being—especiallyduringthemoststressfulofthetasks,givingaspeech.Comparedtotheircounterpartsinthesecondgroup,thesesameindividualsalsoreportedlikingtheexperimentersmore.Theseeffectswerenotobservedforthosewhowereinthegroupthatreceivedsupportivegesturesbutscoredlowonthecompassionscaleandthose

who,althoughscoringhighonthecompassionscale,didnotreceiveencouragement.Insummarizingtheirfindings,theresearchersnotedthat“thosewhoaremorecompassionatemayalsobemorebenefittedbysupport,particularlyduringacutestresssituations.”Inotherwords,tobenefitmostfromothers’kindnessweneedtobereadywithkindnessofourown.

TheHelper’sHighItgoesbothways.Whenwedosomethingkindforanotherpersonoutofcompassion,wefeelgoodourselves,becausekindnessaffirmssomethingfundamentaltoourhumancondition—ourneedforandappreciationofconnectionwithfellowhumans.Compassionandkindnessalsofreeusfromthestranglingconfinesofself-involvementandletusfeelpartofsomethinglarger.Ifwenormallyplodalonginourdailyexistencewearingblindersofself-focusedworryandrumination,compassiontakestheblindersoffandputsourlivesinperspectivewiththeworld.

It’snosurprise,then,thatscientistshaveidentifiedpositiveeffectsofcompassioninthebrain.Whenwehelpsomeonewithgenuineconcernforherwell-being,levelsofendorphins,whichareassociatedwitheuphoricfeeling,surgeinthebrain,aphenomenonreferredtoasthehelper’shigh.Instudiesinwhichparticipantswereaskedtoconsciouslyextendcompassiontoanotherperson,therewardcentersofthecompassionatebrainwereactivated—thesamebrainsystemthatlightsupwhenwethinkofchocolateoranothertreat.So,inasense,myfellowCambridgestudentswereright:EvenforMotherTeresa,therewassomethinginitforher,thoughnotintheselfishsensetheyassumed.ThefulfillmentMotherTeresaderivedfromherselflessservicewasaby-product,notthegoal.Herprimarymotivewastobringhelpandsolacetothedestitute.Thisisthecatch—ahappycatch—tocompassion:Themoreweareinitforotherpeople,themorewegetoutofitourselves.

Otherstudieshaveshownthatchildrenreportincreasedhappinesswhentheyhavebeenencouragedtoactkindly,andthatengaginginactsofkindnessleadstoanincreaseinpeeracceptance—abigdealforteenagers.Peeracceptanceisalsoakeytoreducingbullyingatschool.

It’saparadoxofhappinessitselfthatwearehappierwhenwearelessconcernedwithourownhappiness.Frombeinginspiredtobeinginlove,ourdeepestexperiencesofhappinesscomefromtranscendingournarrowselves.Thebirthofmyfirstdaughtercomestomind.Evenonamundanelevel,weknowwetendtoforgetourselveswhenwe’rehavingagoodtime.(Andvice

versa:Self-consciousnessissuchabarriertohappinessthatpeoplegotogreat,sometimesself-destructivelengthstoescapeit,forexamplewithalcoholorotherintoxicants.)

Whenwefeelcompassionatetowardsomeone,weseethewholeworldcoloredinapositivelight.Onthesurface,thisiscounterintuitive.Commonsensesuggeststhatcompassion’sfocusonsufferingwouldmaketheworldlookbleakandusfeelpessimistic.However,astudyIwasinvolvedinatStanford’spsychologylabsuggeststheopposite.Weshowedundergraduatesimagesofpeople’sfacesandaskedthemtoconsciouslyextendcompassiontosomeofthese.Afterabreak,theparticipantsviewedimagesofmodernartandratedthem.Butbeforeeachartslide,oneofthefaceimagesflashedforafractionofasecond,tooquicklytoconsciouslyrecognize.Thestudentsratedtheartfarmorepositivelyifitfollowedthefacestowhichtheyhadearlierextendedcompassion.Thislink—feelingcompassionandperceivingtheworldinamorepositivelight—mayexplainwhycompassionateindividualsgenerallytendtobemoreoptimisticaswell.

MoreCompassion,MorePurposeForme,themostcompellingthingaboutcompassionandkindnessishowtheybringpurposetoourlife.Thereisnothinglikethefeelingofbeinguseful.Whetherathomeoratwork,whenwecanmakeadifferencehelpingotherswefeelenergizedandoriented,moreeffectiveandincontrol.Havingapurposeinlifeturnsouttobeoneofthecrucialfactorsofpersonalhappiness,anditevenaffectsourlongevity.Acomprehensivestudyontheeffectsofathree-monthmeditationthatincludedcompassionpracticefoundespeciallyinterestingeffectsontheparticipants’telomerase,anenzymethatrepairsourtelomeres.Telomeresarethetail-likeendsofDNAmolecules,whichgetshortenedovertimethroughtheprocessofreplicationandareassociatedwithaging.Remarkably,inparticipantswithhighscoresforhavingasenseofpurposeinlifethestudyfoundanincreaseoftelomerase,suggestingaslowingoftheagingprocess.Severallarge-scalestudiesofelderlypopulationshavealsoshownhowvolunteerismslowsaging(again,thisbenefitwasobservedonlywhenthevolunteerworkwasdonewiththesincerewishtohelpothers).

MoreCompassion,LessStressTheDalaiLamaoftensaysthatbeingmorecompassionatecanmakeusfeelless

TheDalaiLamaoftensaysthatbeingmorecompassionatecanmakeusfeellessstressed.Thistoomightseemincredible,sincecompassiondependsonacknowledgingtheunpleasantfactsofourownandothers’vulnerabilityandsuffering,butscienceagrees.Thetrick,aswithhappiness,seemstobethereleasefromthestressofjudgingandworryingaboutourselves.Withacompassionateshiftoffocusfromourownnarrowself-agenda(andtheheavinessthattendstogowithit)toothers,wefeellighter.Thesamestressorsmayexistinourlives,butwefeellessstressedoutbythem.Forwhatmakesournormalresponsetostresssostressfulishowitweighsusdownandhowwefearitwilloverwhelmus.Compassion,ontheotherhand,lightensusup.Wefeelourindividualburdenliftalittle.Weseeitinperspective.Werealizewe’renotcarryingitalone.

Anotherwaycompassionhelpsbufferstressisthroughtheunderstandingandtolerancethattendstogowithit.Wefeellessannoyedandoffendedbyotherswhenwecanfeelcompassionfortheminstead.Withgreaterself-compassion,inparticular,wecanbegentlerandmorepatientwithourownperceivedfailings.Itturnsoutthatjudgingourselvesharshly,feelingashamed,andtryingtohideourimperfectionsisreallystressful!Withtheself-honesty,self-acceptance,andself-transparencyofself-compassion,wehavenothingtohide;andwithnothingtohide,wehavelesstobeafraidof.

AstudyofHarvardundergraduatespreparingfortheGRE(GraduateRecordExaminations)requiredforadmissionsintograduateprogramsinmostAmericanuniversitiesshowedhowevenasimpleinterventionusing“reappraisal”—understandingstress-relatedsymptomsinpositiveterms(forexample,thataraisedheartratepredictedbetter,notworse,performance)—changedhowthestudentsrespondedtothestressassociatedwithtakingtheexam.Thosewhohadreappraisedthesituationwerealsoabletoreturntotheirbaselinemorequickly,oncethestressfuleventhadpassed.(Asithappened,theyalsoscoredbetteronthetest.)Infact,lackofself-compassionissostressfulandsoendemicinthemodernworldthatwe’llspendthewholenextchapteronit.

Finally,aswehaveseen,beingdisposedtowardcompassionletsusbenefitmorefromsocialsupport,anotherprovencushionagainstthelong-termnegativeimpactsofstress.Thewarmfeelingwegetfromourowncompassionhasbeenfoundtohelpreleasethehormoneoxytocin—thesamehormonereleasedbylactatingmothers—whichisassociatedwithreducedlevelsofinflammationinthecardiovascularsystem,animportantfactorthatplaysaroleinheartdisease.Asweshallseeonpages126-27,studieshavealsoshownhowcultivatingconcernforthewell-beingofothershelpsstrengthenthetoneofourvagusnerve.Thisnerve,thelongestcranialnerve,regulatesourheartrate,modulates

inflammationlevelswithinthebody,andisamarkerofouroverallstateofhealth.

TheCureforLonelinessClearly,compassioncontributestobetterrelationships.Kindnessactslikegluethatkeepsourconnectionswithourlovedonesstrongandprotectsusagainstthefissuresorbreaksthatdisagreementsandemotionaldistancemaycause.Researchershavefoundthatsocialconnectionstrengthensourimmunesystem.Sokindness,asakeyfactorinformingandmaintainingsocialconnection,helpskeepourimmunesystemhealthy.Inromanticrelationships,beingkindmakesusmoreattractive.Lookingback,Irealizethatoneofthethingsthatattractedmetomywifewasherkindness,andherbigheartandbeautifulsmilethatgowithit.

Itfollowsthatcompassionfightsloneliness,oneofthemostpainfulformsofsuffering.Byhelpingusconnectwithothers,compassiondissolvesthebarriersthatmakeusfeelisolated.Theimportanceofthissideeffectcannotbeoverstated.ArecentstudyfromtheUniversityofChicagotrackedmorethantwothousandpeopleovertheageoffiftyforaperiodofsixyearsandfoundthatextremelonelinessistwiceaslikelytocausedeathamongtheelderlyasobesityorhighbloodpressure.Thosewhohadreportedbeinglonelyhada14percentgreaterriskofdying.Somestudiessuggestthatextremelonelinessismoredangerousthancigarettesmoking.Scientistsspeakoflonelinessasakindofpaininour“socialbody,”anditneedstoberemediedifwearetoliveahealthylife.Allthelonelypeoplearelikefishswimmingattheedgeofaschool,exposedtothethreatofpredators.Theconstantvigilancerequiredtolivewithsuchthreathasbeenassociatedwithmuchhighercortisollevelsinthemorning—fightorflightbeforethedayhasevenbegun.Prolongedloneliness,overtime,damagesourhormonalbalanceandnervoussystem.

Sadly,lonelinessisbecominganepidemic.Thiswillsurelyhavemajorimplications,intermsofbothindividualsufferingandpublichealthcarecosts.Asociologicalstudyfoundthataround25percentofAmericansreportthattheyhavenoonetoconfidein.Aseparate2012Britishstudyrevealedmorethanone-fifthoftheparticipantsfeltlonelymostofthetime,outofwhichaquarterreportedbecomingevenlonelierduringthefive-yearstudyperiod.

Nodoubtthereisalinkbetweentoday’swidespreadlonelinessandcontemporaryculture’semphasisonautonomyandanindividualisticlifestyle,bothofwhichtendtounderminesocialconnectedness.CantheriseofsocialnetworkingopportunitiessuchasFacebookreversethisculturaltrendtowardgreaterloneliness?Theresearchsofarisinconclusive;it’stooearlytosay,butI

greaterloneliness?Theresearchsofarisinconclusive;it’stooearlytosay,butIdoubtit.Ifanything,withdeclininghuman-to-humaninteraction,chancesareouryoungergenerationmightexperiencelonelinessevenmoreacutely.

IwitnessedtheDalaiLamahugatotalstrangeronce.HisHolinesswasparticipatinginaseminaronBuddhismandPsychotherapyinNewportBeach,California,andIwashisinterpreter.Oneafternoon,amongthesmallgroupofpeoplewaitingoutsidethehomewheretheDalaiLamawasstaying,avisiblydisturbedmanshoutedouttohim.HisHolinesswalkedtowardhimandpatientlylistenedtothemanrantaboutthepointlessnessofliving.TheDalaiLamathenurgedthemantothinkaboutthegoodthingsinhislife,andtheimportanceofhispresenceinthelivesofhislovedones,aswellasthegoodthingshecoulddowithhislifebyhelpingothers.Nothingworked.So,finally,HisHolinessstoppedtalkingandgavethemanahugebearhug.Themansobbedloudly,thenbecamecalmandrelaxed.

Findingsfromnumerousstudiesshow,nottoosurprisingly,thatreal-lifesocialconnectednessisthecureforloneliness.Openingourhearttoothers,caringforothers,andallowingourhearttobetouchedbyothers’kindness—livingourlifeinwaysthatexpressourcompassionatecore—createstrongsocialconnections.Weareborntoconnect.Ourlongingforconnection,notjustwithourfellowhumansbutwithanimals,issodeepthatitdeterminesourexperienceofhappiness.

KindnessIsContagiousOneofthemostexcitingrecentfindingsfromscienceinthisdomain,especiallyconsideringthelonelinessepidemic,isthatkindnesscatcheson.Otherpeople’skindnessmakesuskinder.Notonlydowefeelgoodwhenweseesomeonehelpanotherperson;wearemovedtohelpsomeoneourselves.Someresearchershavedubbedthisphenomenon“moralelevation,”drawingonThomasJefferson’sobservationofhowwebecomealtruisticallyinspiredwhenweseeorthinkaboutactsofcharity.Imaginearippleeffectofkindness.Startingfromeachofus,theeffectsofkindnessspreadoutward,witheachpersonaffectedcreatinganothercircleofeffectsandsoon,eventuallyresultinginmultipleoverlappingcircles....

Nexttimewhenyouobservesomeonebeingkind—showingconcerntoanotherpersonorhelpingsomeoneindifficulty—seeifyoucannoticehowyouinstinctivelyreact.Withoutanyconsciousthought,doyoureyeslightup?Doesyourheartfeellifted?Doesyourmouthshapeitselfintoagentlesmile?

Threescientists—fromCambridgeUniversity,PlymouthUniversity,andtheUniversityofCalifornia,LosAngeles—demonstratedcompassion’scontagiousnaturewithaningeniousexperiment.Theirstudycompareduniversitystudentsrandomlyassignedintotwogroups.OnegroupviewedTVclipsofcomedyornatureprograms,whilethesecondgroupwasexposedtoupliftingscenes(fromTheOprahWinfreyShow)thatinvolvedpeoplehelpingothers.Toldthattheexperimentwouldtestmemory,theparticipantswereaskedtocompleteacomputertaskpertainingtowhattheyhadseen.Asthetaskwassupposedtobegin,theexperimenterpretendedtohavetroubleopeningthecomputerfile.Failingseveralattempts,theexperimenterthentoldtheparticipantthatheorshewasfreetogoandwouldreceivethepromisedcoursecreditsanyway.Asthestudentrosetoleave,theexperimenterasked,seeminglyasanafterthought,whetherthestudentwaswillingtofilloutanotherquestionnairetoaidtheexperimenter’sresearchonaseparateproject.Thequestionnairewasdesignedtobeboringandtedious,andtherewouldbenocompensation.

Theresultswerestriking.Theparticipantswhohadwatchedactsofkindnessweremorelikelytohelptheexperimenterwiththeunpaidstudy.Ofthosewhoagreedtohelp,participantsintheOprahgroupspenttwiceasmuchtimedoingso.Witnessingkindnessmakesusfeelcompassionate,andcompassionpredictshelpingbehavior.

Fortunately,opportunitiesforkindnessareabundantineverydaylife.Wecankissourlovedonesgood-byeinthemorning,giveourseatonthebustoapregnantwoman,letadriverinarushpassusontheroad,orofferacolleagueacaringear;wecanvolunteerourtime;wecandonateapartofourincometohelpothers.Mostofushaveplentyofopportunitiesforkindnesseveryday,ifwethinkaboutit.Andifwe’renotinthehabitofthinkingaboutit,wecanlearn—PartIIofthisbookwillshowyouhow.

Aroundtheworld,peoplehaveorganizedtopromotekindness.Inthe“payitforward”movement,insteadofrepayingagooddeedbacktothepersonwhodidit,peoplespreadthekindnessbydoingsomethingforsomebodyelse.Inmanyschools,kindnessisnowpartofthecurriculum.InBritain,acampaigntopromoteamillion“randomactsofkindness”waslaunchedontheBBCin2008,andtoday“randomactsofkindness”isacommonphrase.Imagineifcompassionwerenolongerasecretofhappiness,butacelebratedvalue,anorganizingprincipleofsociety,andadrivingforceofchange?

HangingInTherewithPatience

Usuallyourlovedonesareourprimarybenefactorsofkindness,ourgreatestsourceofhappiness.Andfortheverysamereason,theycanalsobethegreatestcauseofourhurtfeelings.Feelingcompassionforalovedonemightcomenaturallynowandagain.Buttosustainkindnessonanongoingbasis,especiallyinthefaceofadversity,requirespatienceanddedication.Oftenthenitty-grittyofeverydayinteractionsinthechargedatmosphereoffamilyrelationsmakesithardtoretainthecomposuresoessentialforcompassiontomanifest.When,however,wedoloseourcool,weneedtobekindandforgivingofourselves.(Wewilllearnabouttheimportanceself-compassioninthenextchapter,andtechniquesformaintainingcomposureinPartII.)

Wealsoneedtoremindourselvesofabasictruthaboutcloserelationships:Sharpandpainfulexchangesoccurbecausewecareforeachotherandfeelsafeenoughtoletdownourguard.Aslongasbothsideskeepsightofthistruth,kindnesswillremainatthecoreoftherelationship.

Inmyownlife,oneofthemostchallengingrelationshipsIhavehadwaswithmyfather.Fromageseleventotwenty,Iwasamemberofthesamesmallmonasteryasmyfather,DzongkarChoede,namedaftertheoneinthetownofDzongkarinWesternTibet,whereIwasborn.Myfatherhadstrongemotionaltiestothismonasteryanditslonghistory.MytroublebeganafterIcompletedthemonastictraining—mainlymemorizationofliturgicaltextsandchanting—whenIbegantakinginterestinotherthings,suchaslearningEnglishandreadingtextsnotconnectedwiththemonastery’sneeds.Iwasintellectuallyrestlessandincreasinglyuncomfortablewithoureverydayritual,especiallychantingfromtextswithoutknowingtheirmeaning.

Oncehe’dacceptedmydecisiontojointhemonasteryinthefirstplace,myfather’saspirationformewasstraightforward:Hesawmeeventuallybecomingthechantmaster,theritualmaster,andtheabbotofthatsmallmonastery.Ihadotherideas,andbeingapermanentmemberofthatcommunitywasn’toneofthem.Barelyliterate,myfatherneverunderstoodmyintellectualcuriosityandtookitasaformofteenagedefiancethatwouldpass.Heaccusedmeofbeingselfishandungratefulforthehardshipheandmymotherhadenduredforus.Pushingmyselfawayfromthecommunity,hebelieved,wouldleadtolossofrespectandmiseryforme.Onmyparttoo,Ibegantoshuthimout,makingourrelationshipevenmorestrainedandalienated.

WhenIleftDzongkarChoedetojoinanacademicmonasteryinanotherpartofsouthernIndia,wekeptinclosetouchwitheachother.ButIcouldseethatI

hadbecomeasourceofdisappointmentandembarrassmentformyfather.HebelievedIhadbetrayedthecommunity—loyaltyisaprizedvirtueforTibetans,asitisinmanyAsiancultures.

Everythingchangedin1985,whenIbecameanEnglishtranslatortoHisHolinesstheDalaiLama.Eversince,inmyfather’seyes,Icoulddonothingwrong.Heacknowledgedthathehadfailedtounderstandme,andthatheneverknewthatallthe“wildthings”Ihaddonecouldhavesuchbeneficialapplications.

Inthelastdecadeofmyfather’slife,hesufferedfromParkinson’s.Thestrongdopamine-inducingmedicationthathelpedhimwithmobilitymadehimquiteunhappy,exacerbatinghisanxiouspersonalityandcausingfrequentepisodesofparanoiaandpsychosis,whichsomehowalsoheightenedhisfearofdeath.Iwasfortunatetobeabletospendtimehelpinghimcometotermswithhisfears,mainlythroughBuddhistspiritualteachingsandmeditations.Hediedinpeace,happyknowingthathehadledagoodlifeandthatallthreeofhischildren—mybrother,mysister,andI—arehappyandhavefamiliesofourown.IhavetoadmitthatthereweretimesIcouldhavegivenupandsaidtohellwithourrelationship.Throughcompassion—forhimandformyself—Istuckwithit.

Whatmakesusengageinactsofkindnesstowardothers?Whatistheenginethatdrivessuchacts?Andwhatsustainsthemsothatwecontinuetofindthemworthyofourattentionandeffort?

Clearly,itisthecaring,compassionatepartofournaturethatistheforce.Whileitmakesusvulnerableinthesenseofneedingotherpeople’scareandkindness,italsogivesusourabilitytoconnectwithothers—theirneeds,theirpain,andtheirjoys.Itisthiscaringinstinctthathelpsusconnectwithothersatthemostbasiclevel.Infact,whenwefeelkindandcompassionatetowardsomeone,whenweareconnectedwithanother’spainsandneeds,wefeelmostaliveashumanbeings.Wefeelenergized;evenourphysicalheartreactswithgreaterforce,primingourbodysothatitisreadytoact.Inthemidstofcompassion,inasense,wearestrippedofallthecategoriesandlabelsthatwehaveconstructedaboutourselvestoindividuateusfromothers,andourhumanityisrevealed.Itisatthisbasiclevelthatweconnectwiththepersoninfrontofus.Inthatmoment,whatmattersisthatthispersonisanotherhuman

being—justlikeus—whoaspirestohappinessandwhoinstinctivelyavoidssuffering.Nothingelsematters:notrace,notreligion,notculturalaffiliation,andnotgender.Toactfromthisplaceinresponsetotheotherperson’sneedistoactoutoftruekindness.

W

2TheKeytoSelf-Acceptance

HAVINGCOMPASSIONFORYOURSELF

Thedeepestprincipleinhumannatureisthecravingtobeappreciated.—WILLIAMJAMES(1842–1910)

Therootofwisdomliesinobservingourownmind.—GÖNPAWA(ELEVENTHCENTURY)

egravitatetowardotherpeople’skindness,andwhenweletourselves,wecaninstinctivelyrespondtoothers’needswithcompassion.This

intertwiningsusceptibilityofselfandothersliesattheheartofourhumanness.Giventhisreality,wemightassumethatself-compassion—beingcaringandkindtowardourselves—mustbeasnaturalasbreathing,somethingwecanalldowithoutlearningitoreventhinkingaboutit.Actually,thesituationturnsouttobemorecomplicated,especiallyintoday’shighlycompetitivesociety.

Contemporaryculturemakesithardformanyofustohavecompassionforourselves.Andyet,accordingtoasteadystreamofevidenceemergingfromscientificstudies,somuchseemstohangonourabilitytodojustthat.Fromanxietydisorderstoburnoutatwork,fromrelationshiptroublestomotivationandcouch-potatoproblems,ourself-compassion—orlackthereof—makesabigdifference.Whenwelackself-compassion,wearelessself-accepting,lessself-tolerant,andlesskindtoourselves.Thesedeficienciesmanifestinmanyunhelpfulwaysinourownlivesandinourinteractionswithothers,especiallythepeoplewelove.Self-compassioniseverybitascriticaltoourhappinessasourcompassionforothers,ifnotmore,yetformanypeopleitfeelsasalienanduncomfortableaswalkingontheirhands.Ifwe’renotusedtoit,itwilltakesomepractice.

WhatSelf-CompassionIsNot

Thischapterisaboutwhatself-compassionis,andwhyitisgood.Butthere’ssomuchmisunderstandingaboutitthatIwouldliketoclarifyafewthingsfirst.

It’sstilltruethatwe’rehappierwhenwe’relessself-focusedandmoreorientedtowardtheworld,butself-compassionistotallydifferentfromnarcissisticself-absorption.Trulyself-compassionatepeopletakecareofthemselveswhilebeingattentivetothefeelingsandneedsofthosearoundthem.Infact,thementalandphysicalhealththatcomesfrombeingkindtoourselvesenablesustotakebettercareofotherpeople.Whenweareself-centered,ontheotherhand,wearesocaughtupinourownworldthatwedon’thaveroomforanyoneelse.

Self-compassionshouldnotbeconfusedwithself-pity,either.Inself-pity,wegetcaughtupinourownproblemsand,feelingsorryforourselves,webecomeoblivioustotheworldaroundus.Self-pityisaformofself-absorption,whereasself-compassionallowsustoseeourdifficultieswithinthelargercontextofsharedhumanexperience.Becauseofitsnarrow,zoom-lensvision,self-pitytendstoblowupoursituationsothatevenasmallproblemappearsoverwhelmingandunbearable.Incontrast,self-compassionaffordsasenseofproportionthathelpsusdealwithourpredicamentsandsufferinginmoreconstructiveways.

Self-compassionisnotself-gratification.ThemostcompassionatethingwecandoforourselvesmaybetonoteatthewholebagofFritos,ortonotconfusewantingwithneedingandbuysomethingwedon’tneed.Self-compassionisnotanimpulseto“treatourselves,”thoughsometimes,mindfullyanduponreflection,wemaydecidetohaveatreat.Equallyimportant:Self-compassionisnotbeatingourselvesupforeatingtheFritos,orbuyingthething,orhavingthetreat.

Finally,self-compassionisnotthesameasself-esteem.Withself-compassion,werelatetoourselves,especiallyourstrugglesandfailures,withunderstanding,kindness,andacceptance.Self-compassionisagentle,caring,clear-seeingyetnonjudgmentalorientationofourheartandmindtowardourownsufferingandneeds.Self-esteem,ontheotherhand,isself-regardbasedonself-evaluation.Whileself-compassionmaycontributetoincreasedself-esteem,itdoesnotdependonit.

Incontemporaryculture,especiallyinNorthAmerica,self-esteemhasbecometheHolyGrailofchilddevelopmentandmentalhealth.IntheUnitedStates,schoolshaveprogramsaimedatboostingself-esteem.Parentsgetthemessagethatit’snevertooearlytostartworryingabouttheirchildren’sself-

messagethatit’snevertooearlytostartworryingabouttheirchildren’sself-esteem.Certainly,thereisnothingwrongwithself-esteemperse.Butitistoooftentiedtocriteriaofachievement,whichleadspeople,includingchildren,tobelievethattheyareworthyofesteem(fromthemselvesandothers)onlytothedegreethatthey“succeed.”Andself-esteemistwistedbyourcompetitiveculture,sothatmanypeopleunderstandtheirworthonlyincomparisonwithotherpeople.

Asparents,sometimesmywifeandIaretemptedtoplaythisgame,boostingourdaughters’self-esteemthroughtheiraccomplishmentsinacademicsorsportsormusic.But,assomeonewhogrewupinaverydifferentculture,Iworryabouttheimplicationsofsuchaconditionaldefinitionofself-worth.Growingup,IneverbelievedthatmyvalueasapersonwascontingentonhowgoodIwasatthisorthat.Evenasachild,Ifeltlikeacompleteperson,acknowledgedinmyownrightasanindividual.ThismayhavetodowiththetraditionalBuddhistideathateachoneofusbringssomethingunique,drawnfromourpastkarma(everythingthathappenedbeforeandduringourlifetimethatcreatedthecircumstanceswefindourselvesin)intotherichnetworkofhumanrelationships.

Somescientistshaveraisedsimilarconcerns.Researchershavediscoveredthatachievement-dependentself-esteemmakesusvulnerabletofeelingsofinadequacyandfailurewhenthingsdon’tunfoldasexpected.Someresearchersofferevidencethatthepursuitofself-esteemmayhinderlearning,specificallylearningfromourmistakes.Whenourpurposeindoingsomethingisthevalidationweanticipatefrompositiveresults—runningforthesakeofwinningandfeelinglikeawinner,say,insteadofrunningbecauseit’sgoodforus,ithelpsusmanageourdepression,andit’sanicedayoutside—wearenotwellequippedtodealwithnegativeresults.Thenwhenfailureanddisappointmentconfrontus,asinevitablytheywill,wefeelpersonallythreatenedbythem.Eitherwepretendthateverythingisfine(denial),orwegototheotherextremeandjudgeourselvesharshly.

Thequestionformywifeandmewas:Isitpossibletohavethebenefitsassociatedwithhighself-esteem—confidenceandoptimism,forexample—withoutthenegativesideeffectsofitspursuit?Canself-esteemandself-compassionbecompatible?Yes,ifself-esteemisachievedasaby-product,ratherthanpursueddirectlyforitsownsake.Theactiveingredientwewantfromself-esteemisself-liking,notself-perfecting,self-aggrandizing,orself-promoting.Self-likingimpliesaneasygoingpeacewithourselves.Crucially,theself-likingthatcomesfromself-compassionisdevoidofhubris.Self-compassioncombinesself-worthandgenuinehumility.

Tibetansencapsulatetheproblemswithperfectionisticself-esteeminthememorablesaying“Envytowardtheabove,competitivenesstowardtheequal,

memorablesaying“Envytowardtheabove,competitivenesstowardtheequal,andcontempttowardthelower.”These,theysay,oftenlieattherootofourdissatisfactionandunhappiness.

Incultivatingself-compassion,wedon’tevaluateourselvesaccordingtoourworldlysuccesses,andwedon’tcompareourselveswithothers.Instead,weacknowledgeourshortcomingsandfailingswithpatience,understanding,andkindness.Weviewourproblemswithinthelargercontextofoursharedhumancondition.So,self-compassion,unlikeself-esteem,letsusfeelmoreconnectedwithotherpeople,andmorepositivelydisposedtowardthem.Finally,self-compassionletsusbehonestwithourselves.Withitsattitudeofacceptance,self-compassionpromotesarealisticunderstandingofoursituation.Iftheresultsofpreliminarystudiesareanyindication,ourcapacityforself-compassionmightalsobequiteflexibleandamenabletochange.

TherewasawomaninherfortieswhodidourcompassiontrainingdevelopedatStanford.Shehadsufferedastrokethatleftherpartiallyparalyzedononesideofherbody.Untilshetookthecourse,shefeltunabletobathetheaffectedsideofherbodybecauseshecouldn’tbringherselftotouchit.Sherequiredassistancetowashherself.Byextendingcompassionandkindnesstowardthatsideofherbody,sheovercameheraversionandcouldbatheherwholebodyagain.Shealsoreportedapowerfuleffectonherqualityoflifeandsenseofwell-beingasaresultofthischange.

Tothenaiveeyeofsomeonewhogrewupinapoorerpartoftheworld,atfirstglance,peopleintheWestseemmoreconfident,moreefficient,andbetterabletotakecareofthemselvesandenjoylife.Manypeopleinthisindividualisticsocietyhaveonlythemselvestolookafter,oratmostafewothersintheirimmediatefamily.Familiesaresmall,andagingparentsliveseparately,ofteninretirementhomes.Leisureishighlyvaluedinthisculture.Vacationsareanestablishedcustom,muchasinotherplacesandtimes,peoplewentonreligiouspilgrimages.Inshort,weseemdedicatedtoself-care,contentment,andcelebratinglife.Butallisnotasitseems.

Wecanseesignsofpeople’slackofself-compassion—fromdislikingtoloathingtohatred—justabouteverywherewelook,incountlessforms.Tonameafew:Peoplestayindysfunctionalorabusiverelationshipsbecausetheyblamethemselvesforwhat’snotworkinganddon’tbelievetheydeservebetter.Peopleareuncomfortableintheirbodies,don’tlikewhattheyseeinthemirror,andstarvethemselves,stuffthemselves,orhurtthemselvestodistractthemselvesfromtheirrealpain.Peopledon’tcareaboutthemselves,ortellthemselvestheydon’t,becauseassoonastheydotheyfeeloverwhelmed.Andpeopledon’ttakecareofthemselves,neglectingtheirbasicneedsforsleep,nutrition,andexercise,

anddrivethemselvesharderandharderatworkbecausetheydon’tknowhowelsetofindvalidationashumanbeings.Peoplelashoutorshutdownwhentheyarecriticized,becausetheyarealltooreadytobelieveanythingbadaboutthemselves,butatthesametimetheycan’tstandtohearanythingbadaboutthemselvesbecausetheylackasenseofself-worthtobalanceit.Peoplefeellikefrauds,especiallywhenthingsaregoingwell.Theyliveinfearthatonedaythey’llbeexposed,becausetheydon’tactuallybelievetheydeserveanythinggood.Peoplefeelanxiousanddepressedanddesperateandtheydon’tknowwhattodo—andtheyblameandberatethemselvesforthistoo.

Iwasbroughtuptobelievethatself-caring—anexpressionofself-compassion—isaninstinctthatnotjusthumansbutallsentientbeingsshare.ThetraditionalBuddhistcompassionmeditations,forexample,operatefromthepremisethatwehavetheinstincttobekindtoourselves,andthetechniqueinvolvesextendingthisnaturalfeelingtowardothersinexpandingcirclesofconcern:fromourselvestoourlovedonestostrangersto“difficult”people(politicianswedisagreewith,teenagerswe’rehavingtroublecommunicatingwith,andsoon)andeventuallytoeverybodyandeverybeingeverywhere.Traditionally,weunderstandself-compassionasthebasisfromwhichwelearntobecomemorecompassionateandcaringtowardothers.

IsawthistraditionalBuddhistassumptionofself-compassioncomeface-to-facewithcontemporaryexperiencein1989attheNewportBeachconferenceonBuddhismandpsychotherapy,wheretheDalaiLamawasfullyexposedtotheconceptofself-hatredforthefirsttime.Inoneofthepaneldiscussions,therapistsspokeofentrenchedself-hatredattheheartofmanyoftheirpatients’problems.TheDalaiLamawasbaffledwhentheyaskedhowBuddhisttechniquesmighthelpwiththisintherapy.Initially,HisHolinessquestionedtheverycoherenceoftheconcept—ifself-preservation,self-care,andself-lovearefundamentalinstinctsofeverysentientcreature,asBuddhistpsychologyassumes,howcouldwehateourverybeing?Howcouldwebecomesounhingedandalienatedfromourownnature?Self-hatredisnotasimplematterofnotlikinghowyoulookornotbeingsatisfiedwithwhatyouhaveaccomplishedinlife,orevenalackofself-esteem.Self-hatredseemedtosuggest,totheDalaiLama,somethingmuchmoreproblematicatthecoreofourself-selfrelation.

ThepanelistshadtoworkhardtoconvinceHisHolinessthatnotonlyistheconceptcoherent,itisapsychologicalreality,andnotuncommonintheWest.

It’snotthattheBuddhistassumptionsarewrong.Infact,theDalaiLamanowunderstandsthatself-hatredisrootedintheverysameself-caringinstinct.Hatredisaformofcaring(wedon’thateifwedon’tcare).Self-hatredcomesfromcaringalotbutbeingunabletoacceptorforgiveourimperfectselves.Withself-compassiontraining,welearntoreconnectwiththepartofusthatstillcares,purely,tenderly,andvulnerably.Itneverstopped;it’sjustbeenhiddenbehindthelayersofarmorweputonwhenwefeellikewe’reunderattack.

HavingnowlivedintheWestformorethantwodecades,Ihaveseentheproblemofalackofself-compassionupcloseinmanyforms.Evenso,Isometimesunderestimateitsreachinpeople’severydaylives.WhenIfirstdevelopedcompassioncultivationtrainingatStanford,IretainedthetraditionalBuddhiststagesprogressingfromself-compassiontocompassionforothersinanever-expandingcircle.Butwhenwetestedtheprogramonundergraduatestudents,itbecameclearthatself-compassion,meanttobealaunchingpad,wasforthispopulationastumblingblock.Manyreportedfeelinguncomfortablewhentheythoughtabouttheirownneeds.Somehadaversivereactionstoself-compassionatemeditationphrasessuchas“MayIbehappy;mayIfindpeaceandjoy.”Irealizedweneededtostartsomewhereelseorwe’dbestuckthere,andIchangedtheorderofthestepsinthecourse.

Ispokeaboutthisproblemofself-compassionintheWestwithKristinNeff,apsychologistwhohasbeeninstrumentalinbringingasystematicscientificapproachtothetopic.Aspartofherseminalworkonthepsychologyofself-compassion,Neffhasdevelopedaquestionnaireaimedatmeasuringwhatsheseesasthethreemaincomponentsofself-compassion:self-kindness,commonhumanity,andmindfulness.Sheexplainsself-kindnessasrelatingtoourshortcomingsanddifficultieswithkindness,understanding,andacceptanceratherthannegativejudgment.Commonhumanity,inherscale,ishowweperceiveourproblemsandsufferingwithinthecontextofsharedhumanexperience.Andmindfulnessistheabilitytoholdpainfulexperiencesinawareness,insteadofoveridentifyingwiththemthroughobsessivethinkingordesperatelytryingtofixthem.

Forexample,wouldyouagreeordisagreewiththefollowingstatements?Howstrongly?Verystrongly,somewhat,ornotatall?

ItrytobeunderstandingandpatienttowardthoseaspectsofmypersonalityIdon’tlike.(Self-kindness)

WhenI’mgoingthroughaveryhardtime,Igivemyselfthecaringand

WhenI’mgoingthroughaveryhardtime,IgivemyselfthecaringandtendernessIneed.(Self-kindness)

WhenIfeelinadequateinsomeway,Itrytoremindmyselfthatfeelingsofinadequacyaresharedbymostpeople.(Commonhumanity)

Whenthingsaregoingbadlyforme,Iseethedifficultiesaspartoflifethateveryonegoesthrough.(Commonhumanity)

WhenI’mfeelingdownItrytoapproachmyfeelingswithcuriosityandopenness.(Mindfulness)

WhenIfailatsomethingimportanttomeItrytokeepthingsinperspective.(Mindfulness)

(Neffoffersafreeself-compassiontestonlineathttp://www.centerformsc.org/self-compassion_test.)

Neffassuresmethattheself-compassionshortageisreallynotaboutEastversusWest.Herself-compassionscalehasnowbeenappliedacrossmanycountries,bothintheWestandintheEast,andtheproblemappearstobeaswidespreadinmanyAsiancountriesasitisintheUnitedStates,Canada,andEurope.AstudycomparingtheUnitedStates,Taiwan,andThailandrevealedThailand’sscoreforself-compassiontobehighest,withtheUnitedStatescomingadistantsecondandTaiwanlastamongthethree.NeffandhercolleaguesattributetheThais’higherscoretotheirBuddhistculture.IsuspectthatitmayalsobelinkedtothegreatersenseofconnectionindividualThaisfeelwithintheirsharedculturalheritage.Inanycase,theproblemappearstohavemoretodowithmodernityandcontemporaryculturethantheJudeo-ChristianheritageoftheWestversustheAsianculturalheritageoftheEast.

TheHighCostofLowSelf-Compassion

Thereisnodoubtthatcontemporaryculturetendstopromoteindividualautonomyandrespectforthebasicrightsoftheindividual,andformanygoodandwell-knownreasons.Butthiscomesatapsychologicalcost.Aswecutthetiesofinterdependencyandmovefurtherawayfromacommunalexperienceoflife,thisplacestheburdenofmakingsenseofourexistenceupontheshouldersofeachoneofusseparately.Sinceeachofusnowhastocreatehisorherownmeaning,webecomeobsessedwithwhatweaccomplish,tothepointwherewedefineourpersonalidentityandevaluateourself-worthintermsofourwork—

hencethequestion“Whatdoyoudo?”whichhascometomeansomuchmorethan“Whatdoyoudoforaliving?”

MywifeteasesmeforbeingaworkaholiccomparedwithmostTibetans.Perhapssomeperformanceorientationisunavoidableinanycompetitiveenvironment,buttoooftenwetakeittoregrettableextremes.IreadanewsstorywithhorrorabouthowinSouthKoreatherewereafter-schooltutorialcentersthatwouldremainopenwaypastmidnight.Concernedaboutthepsychologicalhealthofthesestudents,governmentagenciesfelttheneedtoenforceacurfew,forbiddingtheseafter-schooltutorialstoremainopenaftertenp.m.Performanceobsessioncanleadtoinsensitivity,impatience,andevenarrogancetowardotherpeople,especiallywhenweperceivethemtobenotuptoourstandard.

Lackofself-compassionmanifestsinaharshandjudgmentalrelationshipwithourselves.Manypeoplebelievethatunlesstheyarecriticalanddemandingofthemselves,theywillbefailures,unworthyofrecognitionandundeservingoflove.Ifwelisten,isthereavoiceinourheadrelentlesslydoubting,inonewayoranother?“DoIreallydeservetobehappy?”“Whyshouldgoodthingshappentome?”“AmIworthyofbeingloved?”Orperhapsthevoicedoesn’task;itjusttellsuswe’renotworthy.Whensomethinggooddoeshappen,wemayfeeldeepdownthatwedon’tdeserveit.Weworrythatwemightsomehowbeforcedtopayforitafterward.We’reterrifiedoflettinggoevenalittle,becausewethinkwe’lllosecontrolofourlives—somethingbadmighthappen,andwe’llblameourselves.We’reafraidthatifweweretobegentleandkindwithourselves,torelaxourgrip,wemightnotaccomplishanythingatall.Sowekeepcrackingourinternalwhip.It’sexhausting,strugglingagainstthevoiceofourjudgmentalselvesallthetimejusttocarryon.

AstudyconductedonundergraduatesatDukeandWakeForestUniversitiesfoundstrikingconnectionsbetweenanindividual’sself-compassionandhowheorsherespondstoadverseexperiences.Thosewhoscoredlowonself-compassionweremorelikelytothinkattheendofabadday,“I’maloser,”or“Mylifeisreallyscrewedup.”Whenaskedtorecallfailurestheymayhavehadinacademic,athletic,orsocialdomains,thosewithlowerself-compassionweremorelikelytothink,“Iamsuchaloser,”“IwishIcoulddie,”andsoon.Theywerealsomorelikelytogetupsetorfeeldefensivewhenreceivingobjectivefeedbackfromapeer.

Tomakemattersworse,whenstudyparticipantswereaskedtogiveashortspeech(astandardlabtesttoinducestress),thoseintheaudiencerespondedlesspositivelytothespeakerswithlowerself-compassion.Wecanseehowthiscouldbeaviciouscycle:Theaudiencepicksupontheenergyoflowself-compassion,andtheirnegativeresponsemakesthespeakerfeelmoreuncomfortable,andsoon.

uncomfortable,andsoon.Asparents,mywifeandIwatchourdaughtersfortwocommonformsof

self-harshness.Oneisageneralizingtendencyinthefaceofadverseexperience:turningfailureanddisappointmentinaspecificsituationintoauniversalcharacteristic.Forexample,whenourrelationshipwithafriendbreaksdown,wespeedoffwiththoughtslike,“Somethingiswrongwithme,”“I’mnevergoingtomakefriendsagain,”andsoon.Whenweseeourdaughtersreactalongtheselines,wetrytohelpthemtostaywiththeparticularsoftheincident.Stayingwiththeconcretefactshelpskeeptheproblemmoremanageable.Wealsotrytonoticeiftheypersonalizeadverseexperiencewithcategoricalnegativejudgmentssuchas“I’mstupid,”“I’maloser,”“Isuck,”andsoon,whentheobjectivetruthismorelike“Ihadtroublewiththatassignment,”or“Ifeltembarrassed.”Wediscouragethemfromusingtheharsher,self-damningkindsofphrasesevencasually.(EvenaftersomanyyearsoflivingintheWest,Ifindthemquitejarring.)Whetherornotyou’reaparent,onewaytothinkaboutself-compassionisasbeingagoodparenttoyourself.

Somesaythatwithoutself-compassion,wecan’tbecompassionatetowardothers.Idisagree.Compassionforothers,especiallyforthoseinneed,isanaturalhumaninstinct.Wealsoseecompassionateandaltruisticpeoplewhoare,atthesametime,harshandintolerantwhenitcomestothemselves,orpeoplewhoaregoodfriendstoothers—whomtheywouldneverconsidertreatingasmeanlyastheytreatthemselves.It’salltoopossibleforcaregivers,suchasparents,toturnthemselvesinsideoutwithloveandconcernforotherswhileneglectingtheirneedforself-compassion.Orsomeonewhoworksforsocialjusticemaybeheroicinhisjobhelpingothers,butpersonallyangry,bitter,impatient—andunbearabletohisfamilyathome.Self-neglectcanbeaformofescapism,whensortingoutotherpeopleiseasierthansortingoutourselves.Inthelongrun,however,thiswillproveunhealthy,evenpathological(psychologistsusethetermpathologicalaltruism),ifthecaregiverinvestshisidentityandpurposeinwhatthepersonhe’scaringforachievesinlife,andtherelationshipbecomessuffocatingasaresult.Neglectingourownneedscanleadtoemotionalburnoutovertime,leavingusdepletedandexhausted.It’sacommonproblemforthoseinthefrontlineofhealthcareandsocialwork,and

anyonewithanempatheticdispositionandstrongsenseofsocialjustice.Unchecked,thisemotionalburnoutcancausepeopletoendupfeelingresentfulandused—evenabused—bythepeopletheycarefor.Whenthishappens,it’strulysad.

TheBenefitsofSelf-Compassion

RenewingOurResourcesIliketothinkofcultivatingself-compassionasreplenishingawellspringofkindnessandcompassionthatlieswithin.Touseamorecontemporarymetaphor,it’slikerechargingourinnerbatterysothatwehavemorekindnessandcompassiontodrawfromforothers.Withgreaterself-compassionweprotectourselvesagainstburnout,pessimism,anddespairaswefacethesometimesenormouschallengesoflife.

SettingRealisticGoalsWhenwearemoreconcernedwithourtrueneedsandwell-beingthanwithwhatsocietyorcertainpeoplethinkorexpectfromus,wecansetgoalsthatarebothmorepersonallymeaningfulandmoredoable.Plus,themoreagoalmeanstous,themorecommittedandmotivatedwetendtofeelaboutit.

LearningfromOurExperienceWithmoreself-compassionwearelesslikelytogetstuckinself-judgmentanddefeatismwhenweexperiencesetbacksalongtheway.Self-compassionemphasizeshowwerelatetoinevitabledisappointmentsandfailures,soitfreesusfromtheimpossibletaskoftryingtoconstructadisappointment-andfailure-freelife.Self-compassionisencouraging—andwhenwearelessafraidofourmistakes,wecanmorereadilylookthemintheeye,learnwhatwecanfromthem,andmoveonwithourgreatergoalsinmind.Self-compassionmakesusmoreresilientinthefaceofchallenges.Andtheunderstanding,acceptance,andsenseofproportionaswerelatetotheworldthatself-compassionentailsisakindofwisdominitself.

FeelingLessAlone

FeelingLessAloneAsKristinNeff’sscalereflects,partofself-compassionistounderstandourproblemsandpredicamentswithinthelargercontextofthehumancondition.Insteadofasking,“Whyme?”wesee,“Iamnotalone.”

“BeKind,andBeHappy”In1981,whenIwastwenty-twoyearsold,anopeninginChinesepolicyinsideTibetmadeitpossibleformymaternalgrandmothertocometoKatmandu,Nepal,alongwithtwoofmyauntsandanuncle.Mygrandmotherwasalreadyinherlateeightiesthen.Unawarethatmymotherhadbeendeadformanyyears,shesentamessageaskingmymotherandmyunclePenpa—thetwoofherchildrenwhohadescapedtoIndiain1959—tomeetherandherfamilyinKatmandu.WhenmyunclesuggestedthatIaccompanyhimastheeldestofmymother’sthreechildren,Isaidno.

ThelastthingIwantedtodowastointerruptmystudiesatthemonasteryandtravelallthewayfromSouthIndiatoKatmandutomeetsomeoneIhadneverevenseenbefore.Afewdaysaftermyuncleleft,Ireceivedasterntelegramfrommymonasteryteacher,ZemeyRinpoche,whoalsohappenedtobevisitingNepalatthetime.(InIndiainthosedays,onlytherichcouldaffordatelephone.)Rinpoche’stelegramreadsomethinglikethis:ComeimmediatelySTOPDon’tbefoolishSTOPIfyoudon’tseegrandmathistime,youwillregretalllifeSTOPConfirmdepartureSTOP.Ididendupgoing,butonlygrudginglyatfirst.

Meetingmygrandmotherbroughthomepowerfullyhowmyinitialrefusalcamefromapartofmethatwasleastkind.Itcamefromaplaceofexcessiveself-preoccupation,whereIwasbeingdrivenbyanobsessionwith“efficiency”—inthiscasemystudiesatthemonastery—thatclosedmetootherpossibilitiesoflife’sblessings.Andtherewasarroganceinit.Clearly,Ihadnotthoughtaboutwhatthereunioncouldmeantomygrandmother,whowouldbelearningofthedeathofherowndaughter,mymother.

Asitturnedout,thistriptoKatmanduwasoneofthemostmemorableexperiencesofmylife.ThelongjourneyfromSouthIndiatoKatmandu—threedaysbytraintothelastmajortownbeforetheNepaleseborderandthenadaylongbusridethroughsomeofthemostimpressivelandscapesoftheHimalayanregion—offeredoneofthemostreflectivetimesIexperiencedasayoungman.

Mygrandmother,Momola,aswesayinTibetan,hadatypicalTibetannomadicwoman’sfacewithanaturalsmilethatlitupeffortlessly.Judgingbyherface,shecouldhavebeenanywherefromsixtytoninetyyearsold.Thelinesonherforeheadweredeepandtheskinofherfacetoughenedbyyearsofexposuretohigh-altitudesun.SheworethetraditionalTibetanchupawithacolorfulcheckeredapron,aswellastwogoldenearringsstuddedwithflatpolishedturquoise.Justlikemymother,sheworeherhairintwobraids,redandturquoisecoloredtasselsateachend,wrappedaroundherhead.Shehadasquarepatchofmedicaltapestucktoeachtemple,supposedlytopreventmigraines.Butthemoststrikingthingaboutherwashereyes.

TherewasacommotionasIwalkedintotheroomwheremygrandmotherandherfamilyweregathered.Everybody,includingmyelderlygrandmother,rushedtohugme,andtheywerepracticallywailing.AlthoughIhadnevermetthembefore,Itoofeltthecollectivepainoflongseparationandthegriefovermymother’sabsence.There,inthatroom,wereallmygrandmother’schildren,exceptforone,mymother.Oncethingscalmeddown,therewasalongpauseofsilence,whichwasstrangelypeacefulandcomforting.

Itwasaprivilegetospendaweekinmygrandmother’sgentle,compassionatepresence,seeingherinteractwithmyauntsanduncles.Shehadanaturalsenseofeasewithherself,agenuineandfreeairabouther.Perhapsitwasageandwisdom,butIfeltthatthislevelofserenityhadtocomefromsomethingdeeper,inthecontrastbetweenthekindoflifesheledandthelifeIwasliving.DespiteusbothbeingTibetans,ourtwolivesweretotallydifferent.Shewasanuneducated,illiteratewoman,whileIwasastudentofBuddhistthoughttrainedinthefamedTibetandebatingtraditionand,throughmycommandofEnglish,hadaccesstotheoutsideworld.Yetmygrandmotherfeltsorryforme;Icouldseeitinhereyes.Iwasthenarestless,ambitiousmonk,rarelylivinginthepresent,alwaysglancingintothefuture.Sensingmygrandmother’scompassion,seeingtheprofoundbeautyofapersonsocomfortableinherskinthatshewascompletelyateasewithherselfandopentothepeoplearoundher,rightthenandthere,IstartedtowonderwhatI’dlostinthecourseofbecomingeducatedandobsessedwithperformance,efficiency,andprogress.Iwouldcontinuetowonderaboutthis.

Whenwesaidgood-bye,wehuggedandshetouchedmyforeheadwithhersinthetraditionalTibetangesture.Holdingmyfaceinherhands,shelookedstraightintomyeyesandsaid,“Bekind,andbehappy.”Eversince,asmuchasIcan,Itrytoembodythisinmyownlife.Overtime,Ihavecometorealizethatthisisthedealwithcompassion:It’snotthatwesomehowhavetomakeourselvesbekindandmakeourselvesbehappybecauseweknowit’showwe“should”be.It’sthatbeingkind,toourselvesandtoothers,makesushappy.I

“should”be.It’sthatbeingkind,toourselvesandtoothers,makesushappy.IwenttoKatmanduoutofasenseofdutytomyfamilyandbecausemyteachertoldmeto.Ihardlyrecognizeditasanactofkindnessformyself.ButwhenImetmygrandmother,Isawthingsdifferently.Inaway,compassioncultivationtrainingismyattempttocodifyand“translate”fortherestofuswhatcamesonaturallytomygrandmother.

ItComesBacktoConnection

Nodoubtthereareindividualdifferencesinhownaturallyself-compassioncomestoeachofus,basedonthekindofparentingwereceivedandotherfactors,possiblyincludingourgeneticpredisposition.Thetwokeysgoingforward,however—thethingswecanchange—arehowwedefineourselvesasindividualsandthesenseofconnectionwefeelwithothers.Ofcourse,thestrongeroursenseofseparateness,theweakerourfeelingofconnectionwithothers.Andthelesswefeelconnectedwithothers,paradoxically,thelesswefeelconnectedwithourselves.Wecanendupdisconnectedfromourownfeelings,needs,andjoys.

Irememberreadingaboutastudyaftertheeconomiccrisisof2008thatshowedthatpeoplewhoidentifiedtoostronglyorexclusivelywiththeirjobswerelessresilientwhentheylosttheirjobsthanpeoplewhoputtheirsenseofidentityandworthinmorethanonebasket,suchasfatherhood(thestudyparticipantsweremen),marriage,friendship,community,andsoon.(Whenweputitthisway,itdoesn’tsoundsoparadoxical.)Whenthemenwhofeltmoreconnectedtootherstookablowinoneareaoftheiridentity,eventhoughitwasanimportantone,theyhadenoughotherscaffoldingtoholduptheiroverallsenseofworth,andsotheyfunctionedbetter.This,ofcourse,gavethemtheaddedadvantageofamoreoptimisticframeofmindandconstructiveattitude,whichhelpedthemrespondmoreeffectivelywhennewopportunitiescametheirway.Incontrast,thosewhohadisolatedtheiridentityintheirworkexperiencedmorefeelingsofinadequacy,bitterness,anddiminishedself-worth.Andthoughtheymayhavefeltalone,theydidn’tsufferalone;theirspouses,children,andotherswhocaredsufferedbyseeingtheirlovedoneundergosuchpain.

Culturalpsychologiststellushowourculturesshapeoursenseofwhoweare—oursenseofself—andhowourselvesdefineourinteractionwiththeworldaroundus.Thougheachoneofushasmultipledimensionsofself,theyfallintotwobasicstyles:independentandinterdependentselves.Someexpertsassertthatouroptimalwell-beingcanbefoundinahealthycombinationofthetwo.

Otherstudiessuggestthathavingasenseofselfthatismoreinterdependentthanindependent,morecomplexthansimple,andmorefluidthanfixedleadstogreaterpsychologicalhealth,includinggreaterresilienceandhappiness.Eitherway,theconnectionthatweasindividualsfeelwithothersisessential.It’snowonderthatpsychologistsranksocialconnection—aperson’ssubjectivesenseofaffectionateandlovingconnectionwithothers—asaprimaryneedoncebasicphysiologicalandsafetyrequirementsaremet.

Inonesense,thechallengeofself-compassionisstraightforward.Itasksustobringagenuinesenseofcaringtoourexperienceandrespondtoitwithunderstanding,acceptance,andkindness.Thisiswhatwedowhenwerespondcompassionatelytotheneedsandsufferingofalovedone—nothingmore,nothingmysterious.Ifithappensmorenaturallyforothers,thenourcompassiontrainingcanstartthere.InPartIIofthebook,IofferspecificpracticesthatweuseinourStanfordprogram,aimedattrainingtheheartandmindtohavegreatercompassion,bothforoneselfandothers.

W

3FromFeartoCourage

BREAKINGTHROUGHOURRESISTANCE

Dwellingonthepastbringsremorsefulthoughtsandclingingtofuturesoletgoofit.Clingingtofutureincreasesourhopesandfearssoletgoofit.

—YANGÖNPA(1213–1258)

Ilearnedthatcouragewasnottheabsenceoffear,butthetriumphoverit.—NELSONMANDELA(1918–2013)

eneedotherpeople’skindnessmostwhenwearefeelingvulnerable.Butformanyofus,thisisalsothetimewhenwearenotverygoodatseeking

helpandbenefitingfromit.Atthesecrucialmomentsweareoftenovercomebyfear,defensiveness,andpride.Whenthishappens,wenotonlypreventourselvesfrombenefitingfromothers’helpandkindness;wealsoblockexpressionsofthatgentler,wiser,andkinderpartofourselves.

TheCourageofCompassion

Iwasthirty-sixwhenImadethechoicetoleavethemonasticlife.Bythen,IhadbecomeasourceofpridefortheTibetanmonasticestablishment,andforthemembersofmyownGandenShartsemonasteryinparticular.IwastheDalaiLama’sEnglishtranslator,ascholarofBuddhistthoughtwithmanystudentsatthemonastery,andsomeonewhoseemedtostandasa“proof”thattheancientmonasticlifeandmodernknowledgecancoexistwithoutconflict.Ihadbeenamonkformorethantwodecades,sincetheageofeleven;themonasterywasmyhomeandfellowmonksweremyfamily,myfriends,andmycommunity.Itwasmyanchorandmyworld.Toleaveitwastoleavebehindeverythingthathadgivenmestrength,joy,andmeaning.ItwasthescariestthingIhavedoneinmy

givenmestrength,joy,andmeaning.ItwasthescariestthingIhavedoneinmylife.

WhatwasIsoafraidofandwhy?Therewas,ofcourse,thefearofleavingthefamiliarandventuringintotheunknown.Thisfearwas,Inoticed,tingedwithcuriosity,asIwonderedwhattheworldmighthold.Woulditrevealaspectsofmypersonalitythathadbeenhiddeninamonasticlife?Therewasalsothefearofhowothersmightjudgeme,especiallymymonasticcolleaguesandtheTibetancommunityasawhole.Wouldtheyseethisasabetrayal?Wouldtheybedisappointedinme?Howwouldmyfathertakethenews?HowwouldthisaffectmyrelationshipwithHisHolinesstheDalaiLama?Suchwerethethoughtsthatoccupiedmymind.

Inevitably,whenwearepartofaclose-knitcommunity,beitamonasteryoffourhundredorahouseholdoftwo,otherswillbeaffectedbyanymajorchangewemake.It’snaturalforfamilymemberstoinvesttheirfeelingsandidentitiesineachother’sachievementsandfailures,andIcannotblamepeoplefordoingthesamewithme.IrecognizedthatmydecisionwouldaffectmylifeandthatIalonewasresponsibleformyactions.Still,therewasthemoralquestionofmyresponsibilitytomycommunity.Woulditbeselfishtoleave?WhataboutthepainIwouldcausethemanyindividualsIrespectedandcaredaboutdeeply(and,tothisday,stilldo)?

Thefirststep,Irealized,wastobeabsolutelysureaboutmychoice.ThereasonIneededtoleavewastheyearningIfeltforafamilyofmyown.ThismayhavehadsomethingtodowithbeingseparatedfrommyfamilysoearlyinlifeandlosingmymotherwhenIwasachild.Whateverwasbehindit,thefeelinghadbeenthereforsometime,andneverreallywentaway.Ifanything,itgrewastheyearswentby.AndnomatterhowhardItried,Icouldnotvisualizemyselfasawhite-haired,elderlymonkinmaroonrobes.So,throughsomedeepreflection,itbecameclearthatitwasnolongeraquestionofif,butofwhenandhow.IalsorealizedthatthesoonerIleft,thelessdamageIwouldlikelydo.ThoughIwasaseniormonasticmember,Ihadnotyetheldanyimportantoffice,suchastheabbotship.IfIwasgoingtoleave,Ineededtodoitsoon.

ThenIrealizedthatfearinghowothersmightjudgemewasthewrongthingtoworryabout.Inanycase,therewasn’tmuchIcoulddoaboutthis.InsteadIcouldbethinkingabouthowtominimizethedamagemyleavingmightcause.Iwantedpeopletounderstandthatmydecisionhadnothingtodowithdisillusionmentwiththetradition;itconcernedonlymyprivatelife.Iprofoundlyadmiretheidealbehindmonasticism—todedicateone’slifetothepursuitofmeditativetraining,knowledge,andtheserviceofothersistrulynoble.SomehowIneededtocommunicatethistomyfellowmonastics.SoIwentback

toCambridge,thistimetopursueaPhDinreligiousstudies.Iwantedtogivemyselfandthecommunitytimeandspace,tomakethebreakeasierforbothsides.(Asecondreasonwastomakemyselfmoreemployable,sinceIwouldnowneedtomakealivinglikeeverybodyelse.)

Oncemymonasticcolleaguescametoknowmyreasonforleaving,theywereveryunderstanding.Iwasalsomostfortunatetomeetmyfuturewife,Sophie,soonafterIdecidedtoleave.Sothingsfellintoplace,makingthetransitionreasonablysmooth.Mykindcolleaguesandfriendsatthemonasterywererelievedtoknowthatthebreakhadnotbeentootraumaticforme.ThepainfulpartcamewhenIvisitedasalaypersonforthefirsttime,dressedinordinaryclothes.Whenmyformerstudentscametoseeme,manyofthemcried.Thiswasreallyhard.IassuredthemmydedicationtoserveTibet’sclassicalcultureremainedasstrongasever.

Myfathertookthenewsremarkablywell.Iwassurprised,sincehewasnormallysoworriedaboutwhatotherpeoplemightthink.Mytwosiblings’reactionscouldnothavebeenmoredifferent.WhenIcalledthemtosharethenews,onesaid,“Thisissoembarrassing!HowamIgoingtoshowmyfacetoothers?”Theothersaid,“Whydidyouwaitsolong?Ifyouhadleftearlieritwouldhavebeeneasiertoadapttothenewlife.”Iknewtheirreactionshadmoretodowiththemthanwithme.

TheDalaiLama’sresponsewasanotherstory.AfewmonthsafterIhadmadetheannouncement,hisofficecalledmetosaythatmypresencewasneededduringavisittoSwitzerland.ItoldthesecretarythatsinceIwasnolongeramonkwecouldnotassumethatthingswouldcontinueasbefore.HeassuredmethatthesuggestioncamefromtheDalaiLamahimself.

ImustadmitthatIwasnervousaboutappearingtoHisHolinessinlayclothes,withmy“long”(unshaved)hair.Upuntilthen,IhadalwaysmetwiththeDalaiLamaasafellowmonastic,dressedsimilarlyinthemaroonrobestypicalofTibetanmonks.TheDalaiLamawasstayingataTibetanmonasterynotfarfromZurich.AsIwalkedintohisroom,HisHolinesslaughedandjokedabouthowIlookedquitesmartintrousers.Thatbroketheice.Healsotoldme,“Youalwayshadaslightlylargehead.Nowwithhair,yourheadlooksevenmoreimpressive.”Feelingsomewhatmorerelaxed,Iapologizedfornotbeingabletocontinuetoservehimandtheworldasamonk.TheDalaiLamareplied,“IwouldbelyingifIsaidthat,asamonastic,Iamnotsaddenedtoloseafellowmonk.However,Iknowyouwell.IknowyouhavenotmadethisdecisionlightlyandItrustyourjudgment.”

HisHolinesswentontogivemesomepersonaladvice.Hesaidthatalthoughheisnoexpert,hehasseenfartoomanypeoplegetentangledincomplicatedrelationships.Notonlydoesthisthenbecomeasourceofpainandacrimony,it

relationships.Notonlydoesthisthenbecomeasourceofpainandacrimony,itleaveslittleemotionalandattentionalspacetodomuchgoodforthemselvesandothers.Mostimportant,headvised,IshouldnothavechildrenbeforeIwassurethatIhadmettherightpartner.Separationanddivorcecausessomuchpainandconfusiontoinnocentchildren,hesaid.Iwastouchedtohearthisadviceonfamilylifecomingfromamonk,andevenmoresofromtheDalaiLamahimself.Webothknewthatneitherofushadanyexperiencewithcourtingormarriageorparenthood,buthehadgoneoutofhiswaytooffermetheseheartfeltobservationsfromhisexperiencewithsomanypeopleovertheyears.

AllofthisreinforcedformesomeoftheimportantinsightsoftheBuddhistteachingsoncompassion.First,whenwefaceachallenge,ifweremaincaughtwithinthenarrowconfinesofself-preoccupationthenfearbecomesthedominantemotion.Fearofbeingjudged,fearofbeingdisliked,fearofbeingseenasadisappointment,fearofbeingrejected—thesewilltakeoverourthoughtsandfeelings.Althoughit’shumantoreactinsuchterms,fearusuallyonlycomplicatesmatterswhenitbecomesourprimarymotive.Feardisconnectsusfromournaturalcapacitytoempathizeandwebecomeunavailableforothers.Asforhowothersmightjudgeus,whatcanwedoaboutit,anyway?Generally,it’sgoodtocareaboutwhatothersthink.It’spartofwhatmakesusmoralcreatures.However,worryingtoomuchiscounterproductive.Ifweletfearruleourliveswebecomeparalyzed.Intheend,it’saquestionofbalance:self-compassiontotakecareofourneeds,andcompassionforotherstoavoidsteppingontheirs.

Whenwefocusonourconcernforothers’well-being,ourattitudeshiftsto“Howmightthisactionofmineaffectthosewhocareaboutme?”“HowcanIminimizethefeelingofhurtitmightengender?”“IstheresomethingIcandotoreassuremylovedones?”Notonlywilltherebefewernegativefeelings,therewillalsobelessstressandheavinessbecauseoftheabsenceofself-agenda.Thisletsusbemoreproactive,redirectingourenergytocommunicatingtoourlovedonesinawaythatwillreassurethem.Intheend,whenpeopleunderstandthereasonswhywechosetodosomething,andwhentheygetthebasicmessagethatwedon’twanttohurtthem,theytendtobemoreacceptingofourdecisionsandcompassionatetowardus.Thisishumannature.

TheDalaiLama’sresponsetomychangeinlifealsoremindedmetobesensitivetothespecificneedsofagivensituation.Especiallyinintimaterelationships,therewillbetimeswhenonesidefeelsmorevulnerablethantheother.Ithelpsiftheonewhoislessvulnerableofferskindnessandunderstandingratherthanjudgmentandrecrimination.Whensomeoneisalreadyfeelinguncertainandscared,“Whatwereyouthinking?Itoldyouso”isthe

leasthelpfulthingtosay.Evenifwemightberight,sometimesit’snottherighttimetoberight.ThereisasayinginTibetan,justasinEnglish,thatweshouldnotkicksomeonewhoisalreadydown,norpenalizesomeonewhohasalreadybeenpunished.

Compassion—forourselvesandforothers—takescourage.Ittakescouragetotakecareofourselves,tomakedecisionsinourbestinterestandnotletourfearofwhatotherpeoplethinkthrowusoffcourse.Italsotakescouragetocarewhatpeoplethink,tohavecompassionfortheeffectsofouractionsonothers.Compassionrequiresustopayattentionandengagewithpeople’stroublesandsufferingwhenitmightbeeasiertoignorethemortootherwisemakedowiththestatusquo.Ittakescouragetotrustenoughtoopenourselvesuptoothers,whetherinaskingfororofferinghelp.Peoplewhoaresufferingarenotalwaysontheirbestbehavior!Ittakescouragetolowerourdefensesandreachouttopeoplewheretheyare,tohavecompassionanyway.

However,compassionalsomakescourage.Actingoutofcompassionforourselves,wecanbemoreconfidentthatwearedoingtherightthing.Atthesametime,havingcompassionforothersfreesusfromfearingforourselves.Itturnsourattentionoutward,expandingourperspective,makingourownproblemsseemsmallerintheschemeofthings,ornotlike“ourown”problemsatall,butpartofsomethingbiggerthanusthatweareallintogether.Wefeelstrongerwhenwerealizethe“others”wehavebeenfearingarereallyonthesameteam;compassionhingesonthisrealization.Ittakescouragetoopenourheartstoothersandexposeourvulnerability,butastheDalaiLamaoftenpointsout,whenwedowefeeltransparentandfree.Wecanstophiding,stopfearingsomeonewillseewhowereallyare,becausewearechoosingtobeseen.

FearofCompassion

Compassionsoundslikesuchanicething,sowhatareweafraidof?Ourfear—orfears,rather,sinceitcomesindifferentkinds—isamongtheintriguingfindingsthathaveemergedfromthenewscienceofcompassion.PaulGilbert,aBritishpsychiatristandpioneerincompassion-basedtherapy,firstschematizedfearofcompassionintheclinicalsetting.Hefoundthatmanyofhispatientswhosufferfromhighshameandpathologicalself-criticismpossessagut-levelresistancetocompassion.Unlessthisfearisfirstaddressed,Gilbertdiscovered,directexposuretotherapiesthatexplicitlyinducecompassionmightnotbehelpful.Heidentifiedthreekindsoffearofcompassion:fearofcompassionforothers,fromothers,andforoneself.Hehelpedtodevelopself-reportmeasures

foreachofthesethreekindsoffear.Forexample,withrelationtocompassionforothers,howstronglydoweidentifywiththefollowingstatements:

•PeoplewilltakeadvantageofmeifIamtoocompassionateandforgiving.

•IfIamtoocompassionateotherswillbecomedependentonme.•Ican’ttolerateothers’distress.•Peopleshouldhelpthemselvesratherthanwaitingforotherstohelpthem.

•Therearesomepeopleinlifewhodon’tdeservecompassion.

Fearofcompassionfromothers:

•IamafraidthatifIneedotherpeopletobekindtheywillnotbeso.•Iworrythatpeopleareonlykindandcompassionatewhentheywantsomethingfromme.

•IfIthinksomeoneisbeingkindandcaringtowardme,Iputupabarrier.

Fearofcompassionforoneself:

•IfearthatifIdevelopcompassionformyself,IwillbecomesomeoneIdon’twanttobe.

•IfearthatifIammoreself-compassionateIwillbecomeweak.•IfearthatifIstarttofeelcompassionformyself,Iwillbeovercomewithsadnessandgrief.

Eachofuscanrecognizeourselvesinsomeorallofthesefears.Thissuggeststhatsomedegreeofresistancetowardcompassionisasnaturalasthearisingofcompassionitself.

Toalargeextent,thesefearsstemfromconfusingcompassionwithsubmissiveness,weakness,orsentimentality.Buttheyareunfounded.Compassiondoesnotprecludestandingupforourselveswhenwearebeingtreatedunfairly.Ifacolleagueatworkattemptstodiscreditussothathemightgetthepromotioninstead,wecouldretaliate—spreadnastyrumorsabouthim,yellathim,andsoforth.Alternatively,wecouldrecognizewherehisbehavioriscomingfrom.Often,unskillful,unkindbehaviorcomesfrominsecurityrootedinjealousy.Clearly,inthiscase,thereismisguidedself-interestand

shortsightednessatworktoo.Wecanremember,whenwehavetheurgetomakethispersonsuffer,thatheisalreadysuffering.Themomentyoucanempathizewithyourcolleague,you’llbeinabetterpositiontomaintaincomposureandrespondtothesituationwithcalmandclarity.Youmightapproachhimandtrytotalktohim,tellhimyouthinkyouunderstand.Youmightsaythatyouthinkhe,forhispart,willunderstandwhyyouareaskinghimtostop.Hemightsurpriseyoubyunderstanding.

Havingcompassionforothersdoesn’tmeanpeoplearen’taccountablefortheiractions.Wemightthinkthatsomepeoplesimplydon’tdeserveourcompassion.Thelargerquestionofhowcompassionrelatestojusticeisbeyondthescopeofthisbook.Thatsaid,muchofthetensionweperceivestemsfrommisunderstandingcompassionandforgiveness.Havingcompassionforperpetratorsofinjusticedoesn’tmeanthatwecondonetheiractions,anditdoesn’tpreventusfromconfrontingthem.Ifanything,itletsusdealwiththesituationmoreefficiently,withoutthecostsofangerandenmity.Itmeansweneverlosesightofthefactthattheseindividualsarehumanbeingstoo,and,justlikeus,theyaretryingtoavoidsufferingandfindhappiness.Evenasweholdpeopleaccountableanddowhatwecantostopinjustice,wecanremembertheirhumanity,andnotlosesightoftheirperspectiveandneeds.AstheDalaiLamaoftenremindsus,forgivingsomeonedoesnotmeanforgettingwhatheorshehasdone.Ifwehaveforgotten,thereisnothingtoforgive.Forgivenessisfortheperson,notforhisorherdeeds.ThissimpleideaispowerfullycapturedintheChristianinjunctionthatweshouldlovethesinnerbuthatethesin.

Anothercommonfearisthatsomeonemightbecometoodependentonus.Behindthatfear,wecanusuallyfindafalsebeliefthatcompassionmeansdoingeverythingforthatperson.Infact,themostcompassionatethingwecandoistohelpempowerotherstodrawfromtheirowninnerresources—teachapersontofishinsteadofgivinghimafish,asthesayinggoes.Helpingothershelpthemselvesisoneofthehighestformsofcompassion.

Wemightalsoresistcompassionoutoffearthatwewon’tbeabletocopewithanotherperson’sdistress,sincecompassioninvolvesopeningourselvestoothers’suffering(anddon’twefeelstressedenoughalready?).Thisfearmaycomefromnotknowingwhattodowhenwe’reconfrontedwithaproblemthatcannotbefixed.Manyofus,especiallymen,areuncomfortablewithproblemsthathavenoclearsolution.Compassionacknowledgesthefundamentaltruthofourhumanconditionthatnotallpaincanbefixed,andthatthereisalimittowhateachofuscandointhefaceofsuffering.Itcallsforanattitudeofhumility.Inmanysituations,it’snotfixingthatisneeded;rather,it’sourempathicresponse,ouracceptance,understanding,andsolidarity.Sometimes,

someonejustneedsa“yeah,thatsucks,”orahug.Inanycase,it’salwayshelpfultorememberthatsomepainandsorrowareunavoidable,partofwhatitmeanstobehuman.It’snotuptoustosaywhetherornotwesuffer,butwecanchoosehowwerespond.Doweresisttherealityofsufferingwithanger,denial,ordetachment?Doweletourselvesremaingrippedwiththoughtslike“Whyme?”or“It’snotfair!”or“Ican’tdealwiththis,”whichonlyaddsufferingontopofsuffering?Ordowerespondwithunderstanding,compassion,andcourage?Thisisourchoice.

Asixty-seven-year-oldmaninourcompassioncultivationtrainingtoldusthefollowingstoryaboutthecouragehefoundincompassion:

IoftengotoaSubwaysandwichshopforlunch.Ialwaysavoidedadisheveledyoungmanatthedooraskingformoney.Ignoringthesepeopleonstreetcornersandoutsideofmarketsseemedtobethebestwayofdealingwiththebegging.InaboutthefourthweekofCCT,tomysurprise,Ifoundmyselflookingdirectlyathim:“Idon’tgiveoutmoneybutIwillbegladtobuyyouasandwich.”Wewaitedinline;hegothissandwichandthankedmeasheleft.ThenexttimeIsawhimthereIofferedtobuyhimasandwichandjoinmeforlunchifhewanted.“Sure,dude.”Igottoknowthishomelessnineteen-year-old’sstory,hiscourageinbeingonthestreets,hisgratitudeforamomentofkindness.Istillfeellikehegavemeagift.SomethinghashappenedasIhavepracticedcompassiontraining.Myheartisgraduallyopeningandmycouragegrowing.Peopleeverywhere,oncestrangers,havebecomerealtome.IamworkingtounderstandbetterwhattheDalaiLamameanswhenhesays,“Ihavenevermetanyonewhoisastranger.”

Pride:TheFalseGuard

Prideisanothercommoninhibitorofcompassion.Itmasqueradesasstrength,butitisreallyanotherkindoffear.Aswesawinthepreviouschapter,manyofusinvestouridentitiesheavilyinperformanceandsuccess.Weliveundergreatpressuretoproveourselves.Sowhenthingsdon’tgothewayweplannedorexpected,wearereluctanttoreachoutforhelp,especiallyfromthepeoplewhoseopinionsmatterthemosttous.Pridegetsintheway,followedbyfeelingssuchasshame,guilt,andbitterness.Ratherthanadmitourneedandseekhelp,weputonafacade,toughitout,andsufferalone.

weputonafacade,toughitout,andsufferalone.Pridecanbeparticularlyharmfulwhenitbecomesabarrierintheaftermath

ofaconflictincloserelations—betweencouples,betweenaparentandchild,betweenfriends.Blockingthewaytocompassionandreconciliation,prideallowsthenegativeexperienceofconflicttofester.Itcreatesaviciouscycle,whileeachsidewaitsdefensivelyfortheothertomakethefirstmove.Inthisdynamic,statementssuchas“I’msorry”and“Iloveyou”thatexpressourdeeperfeelingsdon’tcomeeasily,buttheyarejustthewordsweneed.Herewecanlearnsomethingfromhowchildrenmakeupafterafight.Smallchildrendon’tdwellontheconflict;theymoveon.Theydon’tsufferfromthepainofinjuredpridelikeweadultsdo.Prideturnssmallbruisesintodeep,self-inflictedwounds.Inthisway,itisafalseguard.

Inpride,weconfusehaughtinesswithstandingfirmonprinciple.Weconfusetakingtheinitiativetoreconcilewithmeeknessandgivingin.Inreality,itisalwaysmorehelpfultoreachouttotheotherperson,evenwhenwemightbeintheright.MywifeandIagreedatthebeginningofourrelationshipthatwewouldnevergotobedangry.Thisway,nomatterhowharshanargumentmayhavebeen,itcanneverbeolderthanaday.Thispracticehasprovedtobeapowerfulantidoteagainstpride,preventingitfromcomingbetweenus.

ACultureofKindness

Contemporarycultureresistscompassioninsomewaystoo.Individualautonomyissoprizedthatwemayexperienceconcernandneedforothersassignsofweakness.Toprotectourselves,weinternalizeatoughself-imagewithharshbeliefslike“Dependenceisweakness,”“Idon’tneedothers,”and“Idon’tletothersinsoIwon’tgethurt.”Thereisnothingwrongwithfeelingindependentperse.Problemsarisewhenwetakeittotheextremeandendupalienatedfromourbasicnatureassocial,interconnectedbeingswithneedsthatareuniversaltoourcondition.

IntraditionalTibetanculture,kindnessishighlyvalued,andTibetanslearnfromanearlyagetogiveandreceiveitmoreeasily.Peopleappreciatekindnessfromothersinsteadoffearingit,withtheassumptionthatinterdependenceisnaturalforhumans.VisitorstoTibetoftenremarkonthegeneroushospitality—howTibetansopenlyinvitestrangersintotheirhomesandservethemteaandfood.PerhapsthishassomethingtodowiththerealityoflifeontheTibetanPlateau,wherepeoplehavelivedformanycenturiesinsmallnumbersspreadacrossavast,geographicallychallengingland.So,whenIfirstnoticedthatintheWestpeoplesometimeshaveagutreluctance—orevenaversion—toreceiving

Westpeoplesometimeshaveagutreluctance—orevenaversion—toreceivingkindness,itcameasabitofashock.Ihaveseenpeoplereacttokindnessasifitwereaninsult.IrememberinmyfirstyearasastudentinCambridge,Iofferedmyhelptoanelderlygentlemanwithawalkingstickwhowascrossingastreet.Helookedbackatmewithannoyance,asifhewasoffended.Perhapsmyintrusionremindedhimofhisoldage,whichhedidnotliketothinkabout.LaterIobservedthatsomepeopledon’twanttofeelindebtedtoanotherperson.

LettingGoofOurResistance

Onewayoranother,theinhibitorsofcompassionareformsofresistancewebringtooureverydayexperience,especiallyasweencounterdifficulty,pain,andsorrow.Weusefear,defensiveness,pride,or,whenweturnourgazeaway,simplesuppressiontoprotectourselvesfromhurting.Resistancemayservewelltoprotectuswhenthechallengesarephysical.Facedwithamuggerorasaber-toothedtiger,weeitherfightbackinself-defenseorflee.Butthefight-or-flightreactiondoesn’thelpwhenitcomestomentalandemotionalchallenges.Infact,ourresistanceopensthedoortofurthersuffering.ThisancientBuddhistunderstanding—thatourresistancemakesthingsworse—representsapowerfulinsightintothenatureofhumansuffering.

IfoundaWesternanalogyforthiswhen,asanadult,Ilearnedtodownhillski.Atfirst,mybodywasstiffwithfear.(Alocaljournalistdiscoveredthatfallingoniceisnewimmigrants’greatestfearwhentheyfirstcometoliveinMontreal,myownhomeaswellsince1999.)ItwasonlywhenIletgoofthestiffnessandrelaxedthatIbegantogetgoodatit.Ialsolearnedthatwhenyoufall,lettingyourbodyrelaxandgowiththefallminimizesinjury.Thisseemedparadoxicalatfirst.

Theinstincttoresist(fallingorsuffering)comesfromfundamentalhumandrives.Weallhaveabasicurgeforsecurity—somethingsolidtoholdonto,stablegroundthatwecantrustfullystandon.Weinstinctivelyseekcontrol,predictability,andresolution,andweareuncomfortablewithuncertaintyandchange.Butnomatterhowhardwetry,wecannevereliminateuncertaintyandchangeinourlives.

Plus,ournaturaldislikeofchangeisaggravatedbytheradicaluncertaintiesthatcharacterizecontemporarylife.Evenbeforethedigitalage,theAnglo-AmericanpoetW.H.Audendescribedthepostindustrialperiodasthe“ageofanxiety.”Manyoftheinstitutionsthatprovidedconstancyandanchoredtraditionalsocieties—church,monarchy,andstrongcommunity—nolongerplay

crucialrolesforpeopleinthemodernworld.Inourdigitalagealmosteverythingseemstobeupforgrabs.Thereislittleattachmentto“home”inthephysicalsense;fewerpeoplehaveanemotionalconnectiontowheretheycomefrom.Peopleexperiencesecurityandstabilitylessandlessintheirjobs,andcorporatecultureisdefinedbyshareholderreturnswithintheshortesttimecycle.

OneofthefirstspiritualinsightstheBuddhasharedwithhisdiscipleswasthetruthofimpermanence.Thepainoflosingwhatwehave,notfindingwhatwedesire,gettingwhatwedonotwant,thesearepartandparcelofwhatitmeanstolive,theBuddharemindsus.Theyareessentialaspectsofourcommonhumanexperience;theydonotcomeaboutbecausesomehowwehavefailedtogetthingsright.Andourhappinessliesnotinavoidingpainandsorrow,butinnotlettingthemdisturbourbasicequilibrium—thecalmofallowing,atleastforthemoment,thewaythingsare.Thesoonerwemakepeacewiththem,thesoonerwecanstopreactingandstartlivingwithcompassionforourselvesandforothers.Imustadmitthatthisisadifficulttruthtoaccept,nomatterhowtrueitmightbe.Hopefully,whenweseehowmuchharderitistofightitwecanagreethatacceptance,understanding,patience,andkindness—compassion—isworththeefforttotry.Compassioncultivationtraining,inPartIIofthisbook,isdesignedtohelp.

Wecouldtrytoprotectourselvesagainstuncertaintyandchangebycontrollingourenvironment,thebehaviorofotherpeople,andthewholeworld.Thisisnot,however,arealisticstrategy.Alternatively,wecouldchangeourselvesandadapttotherealitywefindourselvesin.Shantideva,theeighth-centuryIndianBuddhistauthorwhoseseminaltextImemorizedasayoungmonk,offersananalogy:Ifweweretotrytocovertheentirefaceoftheearthwithleathertoprotectourfeet,wherecouldwefindenoughleather?Instead,bycoveringthesolesofourfeetwithleathershoeswecanachievethesamepurposeascoveringtheentireearth.Thebestsolutiontoaproblemistheonethatyouyourselfcanbringabout.

BuildingOurCompassionMuscle:CompassionCultivationatStanfordUniversity

ThevisionbehindourStanfordcompassiontrainingisanambitiousone.Weaimnotmerelytobringattentiontocompassionasacentralhumanvalueormakeourselvesmoreempathetictowardothers.Rather,theaimistoofferasystematicpracticetomakecompassionthefundamentalprinciplegoverningallaspectsofourlives,fromhowweseeourselvesandinteractwithothers,tobringingupour

ourlives,fromhowweseeourselvesandinteractwithothers,tobringingupourchildren,toengagingwiththeworldaroundus.Whenleftuntrained,ourexperienceofcompassiontendstobereactive:Compassionarisesinresponsetothesufferingorneedofsomeonewelove.Inthecaseofastrangerorananimalsuffering,ittakesthatmuchmoretoprovokeourcompassion.Throughtraining,however,wecanmakecompassionourbasicstance,theveryoutlookwithwhichweperceiveourselvesandtheworldaroundus,sothatweengagewiththeworldfromthatplace.

Thereisanintimateanddynamiclinkbetweenhowweperceiveourselves,others,andtheworldaroundusontheonehandandhowweexperiencethemontheother.This,inturn,influenceshowweact.Inotherwords,ouremotionsdefineourbehavior;andourthoughtsandperceptions—ourattitudes,outlook,andattendantvalues—determinehowweexperienceourworld.Forinstance,ifweseetheworldasadangerousplaceandothersasuncaringandself-serving,werelatetothemprimarilyoutoffear,suspicion,rivalry,andantagonism.Incontrast,ifweseetheworldasgenerallyajoyfulplaceandothersasbasicallycaringpeople,wethenexperiencetheworldarounduswithasenseoftrust,belonging,andsecurity.Howdiametricallydifferentthelivedworldcanbefortwoindividualsinexactlythesameneighborhoodandbelongingtothesamesocioeconomicstatus,simplybecauseoftheiropposingperspectives.Bychangingthewayweperceiveourselvesandtheworldwelivein,wecantransformthewayweexperienceourselvesandtheworld.ThisiswhattheBuddhameantwhenhestated,“Withourthoughtswemaketheworld.”AndthisisthetheoryoftransformationbehindcompassioncultivationtrainingdevelopedatStanford.

InCCT,wetargetfourareasforchange:outlook,awareness,capacityforempathy,andbehavior.Wechangeouroutlookprimarilybyworkingwithourconsciousintentionsandtheattitudeswebringtooureverydayexperienceoftheworld.Weenhanceourawarenessbyworkingatourattentionalcapacityandlearningsimplytobewithourownexperiencesastheyunfold.Wecultivateourempathiccapacitybywarmingourheartsthroughconsciouslywishingotherswell,especiallyourlovedones,andtakingjoyintheirhappiness.Welearntoexpandthescopeofourempathybyrecognizingsimilaritiesthatwesharewithothers,especiallyourcommonhumanity.Throughchangingouroutlook,awareness,andcapacityforempathy,andbyconsciouslylivingoutourcompassioninaction,wetransformourbehavior.Throughchangingourbehavior,wechangetheworld.

YoucanguessfromChapter2thatacriticaltargetoftransformationinourtrainingiswhatwemightcallourself-to-selfrelationship.Ahealthyand

compassionaterelationshipwithourselves,inwhichwerelatetoourownsituationwithkindness,understanding,andgenuineacceptance,istheseafloortoanchorourrelationshipwithothersandwiththeworldaroundus.Socultivatingself-compassionisanimportantfocus,bothinCTTandinthenextpartofthisbook.

Inthenextfivechaptersofthebook,IpresentthekeyelementsofourStanfordcompassiontraining,includingthespecificmeditationpracticesassociatedwitheachstep.Beginningwithsettingconsciousintentions,welearntofocusourattentionandbringgreaterawarenesstoourownexperiences.Wethenpracticewarmingourheartssothatwemoreeasilyconnectwithothers,especiallyourlovedones.Oncewehavelaidthegroundworkthroughcultivatingourintention,attention,andempathy,weturntothechallengeofcultivatingself-compassion.Finally,withself-compassionandself-kindnessfirmlyanchored,weworkonexpandingourcircleofconcernsothat,atleastinaspiration,itembracesallhumanity.Asanimportantsteptoenlargingthiscircle,wecultivategenuinefeelingsofconnectionwithothers,throughembracingagut-levelrecognitionofoursharedaspirationforhappiness.

Wemustaddressourfearsifwearetoovercomeresistancetocompassion.Thenextpartofthisbookwillhelpyouexplorethepersonalbeliefsunderpinningyours.Youwillseehowresistancetocompassion,includingself-compassion,manifestsinyourthoughts,attitudes,andemotionalreactions,andyouwilllearnhowtodealwiththesethroughawarenessandunderstanding.Throughpracticewecanlearntobewithouruncertaintyandrespondflexiblytoourexperiencesofpain,sorrow,andfear—notfightingthemandresistingthem;rather,observingthem,beingwiththem,andrespondingwithgentleunderstanding.Thisisaradicallydifferentapproachtolife.Itasksustochangeourhabitualself-protectivepatterns.Itcallsforafearlessheart.Itasksustobecomfortableinthemidstofuncertainty,tofeelsecureevenwhenthegroundbeneathusisshiftingallthetime.Thisis,however,aresponsewehavetolearn.Itrequiresanewoutlookonourpart.Itcallsforadifferentsetofattitudeswithrespecttoourexperience.Anditdemandsadifferentwayofrelatingtoourselvesandtotheworldaroundus.Thisiswhattransformationalpracticeslikemindfulnessandcompassiontrainingcanteachus.

AswesawinChapter1,yourcapacity—andcourage—forcompassionisalreadyinyou.It’samatterofclearingtheway.

PARTII

TrainingOurMindandHeart

I

4FromCompassiontoAction

TURNINGINTENTIONINTOMOTIVATION

Goodandbadkarmaarefunctionsofthemind...allouractionsaredefinedbyourintention.

—TSONGKHAPA(1357–1419)

Anyonecanseethatintendingandnotactingwhenwecanisnotreallyintending,andlovingandnotdoinggoodwhenwecanisnotreallyloving.

—EMANUELSWEDENBORG(1688–1772),HEAVENANDHELL

Mayallbeingsattainhappinessanditscauses.Mayallbeingsbefreefromsufferinganditscauses.Mayallbeingsneverbeseparatedfromjoythatisfreeofmisery.Mayallbeingsabideinequanimity,freefrombiasofattachmentand

aversion.

fondlyrememberwakingupasachildinsmokytentsinaremotepartofnorthernIndia,nearShimla,totheundulatingsoundofmymotherchanting

theselines,amongotherprayers,asshechurnedTibetanbutterteaforbreakfast.Thechurningofbutterteainsideadongmo,averticalwoodentubeheldtogetherbycopperbands,withtheup-and-downmotionofalongstickattachedtoawoodendisk,makesasoothing,repetitivegushingnoise.Thetentcampswheremyparentslivedasroadworkerswouldmovesites,butthechildren’svillagewhereIwasboardingwouldarrangeforustovisitourparentsaweekortwoatatime.Later,growingup,Icametotreasurethesememoriesofmymother,andherchantingoftheFourImmeasurablesprayermadethosememoriesallthemoremeaningful.

TheFourImmeasurables

Compassionisoneofthe“fourimmeasurables,”asreflectedbythesecondlineofthisprayer:Mayallbeingsbefreefromsufferinganditscauses.Theotherthreeareloving-kindness,sympatheticjoy,andequanimity.Informallyspeaking,thesearethequalitiesthat,accordingtoBuddhistpsychology,youcanneverhavetoomuchof.Aswithcompassion,weallhavethesequalities;they’repartof—thebestpartsof—beinghuman.So,whileyoumaynotbefamiliarwithalltheterms,youknowwhattheyare:Loving-kindnessislovewithnostringsattached,justthepurewishforsomeonetobehappy(notleast,ourselves)—Mayallbeingsattainhappinessanditscauses.Sympatheticjoyisexperiencinghappinessatsomeoneelse’shappinessorgoodfortune—Mayallbeingsneverbeseparatedfromjoythatisfreeofmisery.Equanimityisstayingcalmnomatterwhatlifethrowsatus—pleasureandpain,likesanddislikes,successandfailure,praiseandblame,fameanddisrepute—anditletsusrelatetoeveryoneashumanbeings,beyondthecategoriesoffriend,foe,orstranger.Withequanimity,wearefreefromthehabitualforcesofexpectationandapprehensionthatmakeussovulnerabletooverexcitationanddisappointment.TheBuddhamadeatellingmudra,orgesture,ashesatunderatreebecomingenlightened,inwhichhetouchedonehandtothegroundtosignalthatwhateverstormoftroublesragedaroundhim,whateverprovocationscameathim,hewouldholdhisspot.Thisisthepictureofequanimity.Mayallbeingsabideinequanimity,freefrombiasofattachmentandaversion.

Eachofthesequalities,alsoknownasthe“sublimeabidings,”hasanopposite,or“farenemy,”thatisobviousenough.Forcompassion,it’scruelty.Forloving-kindness,illwillorharmfulintent;forsympatheticjoy,envyorjealousy.(Worsestill,envyorjealousymayleadustotakejoyinthemisfortuneofsomeonewedonotlike.IrememberhowconflictedIfeltwhen,in1976,theTibetanrefugeecommunitiesinIndiaeruptedincelebrationsatthenewsofChairmanMao’sdeath.IfthereisonepersonwhowasmostresponsibleforthesufferingoftheTibetanpeople—theannexationofTibet,thesuppressionofitspeople,thedestructionofitscultureandecology—andwhosetragiclegaciesremainstillunresolved,it’sthegreathelmsmanofCommunistChina.Asarestlessteenager,Imighthavelikedtojointhecelebration,butmymonastictrainingmademethinkbetterofit.Idid,however,enjoytheholidaywehadfromourroutineofstudyandfieldworkatthemonastery.)Equanimityhasafewopposites:greed,aversion,andprejudice,whichtogethercausesomuchagitationinourmindandundermineitsequilibrium.

Lessobviousarethe“nearenemies,”ormentalstatessimilarenoughtotheimmeasurablesthattheycaneasilybeconfused,buttheyareequalcausesofneedlesssuffering.Aswecultivatethegoodqualities,wemustbeonthelookoutfortheseimpostors.Loving-kindness’snearenemyisselfishaffectionorattachment,aswhenwelovesomeoneforwhatwethinktheycangiveus.Sympatheticjoy’snearenemyisfrivolousjoy,whichgraspsatpleasantbutmeaninglessexperiences.Equanimity’snearenemyisindifferenceorapathy,withthecriticaldifferencethatequanimityisengaged—wedon’tstopcaring,butwedostaycalm.

Compassion’snearenemyispity.Unlikegenuinecompassion,pityimpliesasenseofsuperiority.So,unlikecompassion,whichconnectsuswiththeobjectofourconcernbecauseweidentify,pitydistancesusfromtheotherperson.Compassionincludesrespect:Wehonortheotherperson’sdignityasafellowhumanbeing.Ourconcern,ifitcomesfromgenuinecompassion,isbasedontherecognitionthat,justlikeIdo,thispersonwishestobefreefromsuffering.

IntraditionalBuddhistmeditationsonloving-kindnessandcompassion,whichareoftenrelated,wetypicallybeginbyconnectingcompassionatelywithourownexperience,especiallytheexperienceofsuffering,andwithournaturalaspirationsforhappiness.Then,focusingonalovedone,weconsciouslywishhimorherjoy,happiness,andpeace,bysilentlyofferingphrasessuchas“Mayyoubehappy;mayyoufindpeaceandjoy.”Fromthere,inanever-expandingcircle,wewishjoy,happiness,andpeaceforaneutralperson,thenforadifficultperson,andfinallymovingtowardthelargestcircle,wishingjoy,happiness,andpeaceforallbeings.Inmeditationonloving-kindnesswewishothershappiness;inmeditationoncompassionwewishotherstobefreeofsuffering.Then,tocounterourtendenciestowardenvyordiscomfortatotherpeople’sgoodfortune,wecultivatesympatheticjoy.Finally,toriseaboveourbiasesrootedinattachmentandhostility(“Ilikethis...Idon’tlikethat...Ilikeher...Idon’tlikeher...”),wecultivateequanimity.

IntheTibetantradition,werecognizecompassionasboththehighestspiritualidealandthehighestexpressionofourhumanity.EventheTibetanwordforcompassion,nyingjé,whichliterallymeansthe“kingofheart,”capturesthepriorityweaccordcompassion.It’sthisTibetancompassionmeditationtraditionthatIhaveusedastheprimaryresourceindevelopingboththebasicframeworkandthespecificguidedmeditationsfortheStanfordcompassiontraining.

SettingConsciousIntention

Inourcompassiontraining,webegineverysessionwithapracticecalledsettingyourintention.ThisisacontemplativeexerciseadaptedfromtraditionalTibetanmeditation,akindofchecking-in,inwhichweconnectwithourdeeperaspirationssothattheymayinformourintentionsandmotivations.Thusconnected,wecomposeasetofthoughtstoformthebackgroundfromwhichoursubsequentthoughtsandemotionsmayemerge.

IneverydayEnglish,weoftenusethetwowords,intentionandmotivation,interchangeablyasiftheymeanthesamething,butthere’sanimportantdifference:deliberateness.Ourmotivationtodosomethingisthereasonorreasonsbehindthatbehavior,thesourceofourdesire,andthedrivetodoit.Wemaybemoreorlessawareofourmotivation.Psychologistsdefinemotivationastheprocessthat“arouses,sustains,andregulateshumanandanimalbehavior.”Simplyput,motivationiswhatturnsuson.Forsomeitmightbefame;forothersitmightbemoney;excitementorthrill;sex;recognition;loyalty;service;asenseofbelonging,safety,justice;andsoon.Theforceofmotivationdevelopsthroughamutuallyreinforcingcycleofdesireandreward—whensomethingwedoisrewarding,wewanttodoitagain;ifwedoitagain,wearerewardedagain,andwanttodoitmore....

Intention,ontheotherhand,isalwaysdeliberate,anarticulationofaconsciousgoal.Intentionisnecessarilyconscious;motivation,asFreudpointedout,neednotbeconsciouseventothepersonherself.Weneedintentionsforthelongview.Wesetandreaffirmourbestintentionstokeepusinclininginthedirectionwetrulymeantogo.Butweneedmotivationtokeepusgoingoverthelonghaul.Ifourintentionistorunamarathon,therewillbetimes,whenthealarmclockgoesoffforaten-milerunbeforework,orinthemiddleofrunning,whenwe’llaskourselves,quitereasonably,“WhyamIdoingthis?”Weneedgood,inspiredanswerstogetusoversuchhumps.Consciousorunconscious,motivationisthewhy,andthespark,behindintention.

Youcoulddothisintention-settingexerciseathome,firstthinginthemorningifthatisconvenient.Youcouldalsodoitonabusorasubwayduringyourcommute.Ifyouworkinanoffice,youcoulddoitsittingatyourdeskbeforeyougetintotheday.Youneedonlytwotofiveuninterruptedminutes.TheTibetantraditionrecommendssettingourintentionandcheckingwithourmotivationsinthismanneratthebeginningoftheday,atthestartofameditationsitting,andbeforeanyimportantactivity.Ourintentionsetsthetoneforwhateverweareabouttodo.Likemusic,intentioncaninfluenceourmood,thoughts,andfeelings—settinganintentioninthemorning,wesetthetonefortheday.

Exercise:SettinganIntention

First,findacomfortablesittingposture.Ifyoucan,sitonacushiononthefloororonachairwiththesolesofyourfeettouchingtheground,whichgivesyouafeelingofbeinggrounded.Ifyouprefer,youcouldalsoliedownonyourback,ideallyonasurfacethatisnottoosoft.Onceyouhavefoundyourposture,relaxyourbodyasmuchasyoucan,ifnecessarywithsomestretches,especiallyyourshouldersandyourback.

Then,withyoureyesclosedifithelpsyoutofocus,takethreetofivedeep,diaphragmaticorabdominalbreaths,eachtimedrawingtheinhalationdownintothebellyandfillingupthetorsowiththein-breathfromthebottomtothetop,likefillingajarwithwater.Thenwithalong,slowexhalation,expelalltheairfromthetorso.Ifithelps,youcanexhalefromyourmouth.Inhale...andexhale....

Onceyoufeelsettled,contemplatethefollowingquestions:“WhatisitthatIvaluedeeply?What,inthedepthofmyheart,doIwishformyself,formylovedones,andfortheworld?”

Stayonthesequestionsalittleandseeifanyanswerscomeup.Ifnospecificanswerssurface,don’tworry;simplystaywiththeopenquestions.Thismaytakesomegettingusedto,sinceintheWest,whenweareaskedquestionsweusuallyexpecttoanswerthem.Trustthatthequestionsthemselvesareworking,even—orespecially—whenwedon’thavereadyanswers.Ifandwhenanswersdocomeup,acknowledgethemastheyarise,andstaywithwhateverthoughtsandfeelingstheymaybring.

Finally,developaspecificsetofthoughtsasyourconsciousintention—forthisday,forinstance.Youcouldthink,“Today,mayIbemoremindfulofmybody,mind,andspeechinmyinteractionwithothers.MayI,asfarasIcan,avoiddeliberatelyhurtingothers.MayIrelatetomyself,toothers,andtotheeventsaroundmewithkindness,understanding,andlessjudgment.MayIusemydayinawaythatisintunewithmydeepervalues.”

Inthisway,setthetonefortheday.

Oncewebecomemorefamiliarwithintentionsetting,wecandothispracticeinaminuteorless.Thatmeanswecanfindopportunitiesduringthedaytocheckinwithourintentions.Doctorswhohavetakencompassiontraining,forexample,haveusedthetimeittakestowashtheirhandsbetweenpatientstoreturntotheirintentions,andreporthowthismakesthemfeelmorecenteredandpresentforthenextpatient.Wecanevenskipthethree-phaseformalpracticeanddoaquickresetbyreadingorchantingafewmeaningfullines.YoucouldusetheFourImmeasurablesprayer:

Mayallbeingsattainhappinessanditscauses.Mayallbeingsbefreefromsufferinganditscauses.Mayallbeingsneverbeseparatedfromjoythatisfreeofmisery.Mayallbeingsabideinequanimity,freefrombiasofattachmentand

aversion.

DedicatingOurExperience

Theintention-settingpracticeispaired,inTibetantradition,withanothercontemplativeexercisecalleddedication.Theroleofthisexerciseistocompletethecircle,asitwere.Attheendofaday,orameditation,oranyothereffortwehavemade,wereconnectwiththeintentionswesetatthebeginning,reflectingonourexperienceinlightofourintentionsandrejoicinginwhatwehaveachieved.Thisisliketakingstockattheendoftheday.Itgivesusanotheropportunitytoconnectwithourdeeperaspirations.

Exercise:MakingaDedication

Attheendofaday—forinstance,beforeyougotobedorasyoulieinbedbeforesleeping—reflectonyourday.

Brieflyreviewtheeventsoftheday(includingsignificantconversations,moods,andothermentalactivity)andtouchbackonthespiritofthemorningintentionsetting.Seehowmuchalignmentthereisbetweenthetwo.It’simportantnottogetcaughtupinthedetailsofwhatyoudidanddidnotdo.Theideaisnottokeepexhaustivescores,buttobroadlysurveytoseethesynergybetweenyourintentionsandyourlifethatday.

Whateverthoughtsandfeelingsthisreviewingmightbring,juststaywithit.There’snoneedtopushthemawayiftheyhaveanegativequality,orgraspatthemiftheyseempositive.Simplystaywithitforawhileinsilence.

Finally,thinkofsomethingfromthedaythatyoufeelgoodabout—ahelpinghandyougaveyourneighbor,anempatheticearyoulentacolleagueindistress,notlosingyourcoolinthedrugstorewhensomeonecuttheline.Thentakejoyinthethoughtofthisdeed.Ifnothingelse,takejoyinthefactthatyoubeganyourdaybysettingaconsciousintention.

Keepthisexerciseshort;threetofiveminutesisagoodlength.Ifyounormallydosomereadingbeforebed,youcouldsetasidethreetofiveminutesattheendfordedicationtime.IfyourhabitistowatchTV,couldyouwatchthreetofiveminutesless?Orgosomewherequietduringcommercials?Takingjoyintheday,attheendoftheday,eveninthesimplefactoftheeffortwehavemade,isimportant.Itgivesussomethingpositivetocarryintothenextday,andhelpsusharnessmotivationintheserviceofourintentions.Asweshallseelaterinthechapter,joyplaysacrucialroleinourmotivation,especiallyinsustainingmotivationoveraprolongedperiodoftime.

Sometimes,however,it’shelpfultodoamorefocusedreview.Thisisespeciallytrueifwearestrugglingwithaparticularissueorareengagedinsomeendeavor,suchasaneight-weekcompassiontrainingcourse!EachweekinCCTweworkoncertainqualitiesandattitudesweseektofoster.Say,forexample,oneweekit’sself-compassion.Duringthisperiod,wesetintentionsaround

oneweekit’sself-compassion.Duringthisperiod,wesetintentionsaroundbeingkindertoourselves.Inturn,attheendofaday,ourdedicationmightpayspecialattentiontokindnesseswemayhaveshownourselvesthatday.

Now,whenweundertakesuchatargetedassessment,mostofuswillfindthatwefallshort.Wewillseethegapsbetweenourintentionsandourbehavior,betweenouraspirationsandouractuallife.Whenthishappens,it’simportantnottobeatourselveswithnegativejudgmentandself-criticism.Wesimplyacknowledgethedifferenceandresolvetotryagainthenextday.Thisawarenessitselfwillhelpusbemoreattentivethenextday,openingopportunitiestobringoureverydaythoughtsandactionsintocloseralignmentwithourgoals.

TheBenefitsofIntentionandDedication

Framingourdaysbetweenintentionsettingandjoyfuldedicationthisway,evenonceaweek,canchangehowwelive.It’sapurposefulapproachofself-awareness,consciousintention,andfocusedeffort—threepreciousgiftsofcontemplativepractice—bywhichwetakeresponsibilityforourthoughtsandactionsandtakechargeofourselvesandourlives.AstheBuddhaputit,“Youareyourownenemy/andyouareyourownsavior.”TheBuddhasawthatourthoughts,emotions,andactionsaretheprimarysourcesofoursuffering.Equally,ourthoughts,emotions,andactionscanbethesourceofourjoyandfreedom.Living,asmuchaspossible,withconsciousintentionisthefirststepofthistransformation.So,thesetwoexercisesinintentionanddedicationarethefirststeptogreaterclarityandcohesioninourlife,ourwork,andourrelationshipswithothers.

Notonlythat,whenouraspirationsincludethewelfareandhappinessofothers,ourdeedsandourlifeasawholeacquireapurposethatisgreaterthanourindividualexistence.Ontheglobalstage,perhapsthemostcompellingexampleofthepowerofanindividual’sconsciousintentioncanbeseenintheamazingstoryofSouthAfrica’stransitionfromapartheidtofreedom.NelsonMandela’scommitmenttononviolence,racialharmony,andjusticeshapedhisintentiontocreateadifferentSouthAfrica.Itwasamostinconvenientintentionthatfoundoppositioninoneformoranotherprobablyeverydayofhislonglife.Livingtruetosuchanintentiondoesn’thappenwithoutsettingandresettingit,anddrawingstrengthfromdedicatedreflection.Mandela’sintentionhelpedsetthemoodofthenewnation.Theresultisasmoothandpeacefultransition.AclassicalBuddhisttextoffersthismetaphor:Ifadropofwaterhappenstofallintoanocean,somepartofthatwaterwillremain,aslongasthatoceanremains;leftonitsown,thatdropofwaterwilljustdryup.

leftonitsown,thatdropofwaterwilljustdryup.AgrandmotherinhersixtieswhodidtheStanfordcompassiontraining

continuedtoworkfulltime,althoughshewantedtobewithhergrandchildrenmore.Shefeltthatshewouldbelettingheremployerdownbyreducingherworkhours,eventhoughshewasverymuchtroubledbythefactthathergrandchildrenweregrowingupandshewasnotabletospendmuchtimewiththem.Startingwithintentionsofcompassionandkindnesstowardherself,sheconnectedwithhermotivationtotellherbossthatshewantedtoreduceherhours.Shesaysthatheremployerishappy,hergrandchildrenarehappy,andsheishappy.AsshetoldherCCTinstructor,shehadalwaysbeensomeonewhosacrificedforeveryoneelsewhilenotbeingtruetosomeofhermostdeeplyheldvalues.Thiswomandidn’tjustchangetheamountoftimeshespentwithhergrandchildren;shechangedthewayshelivedherlife.

Inmyownlife,intentionhashelpedinsomanyareas.WhenmywifeandIbecameparents,ourconsciousapproachtoparentingallowedustoshapewiththevalueswecherishourinteractionswithourchildrenwhentheyweresmall.Whatmatteredmosttouswasgivingourlove,trust,respect,andattentiontoourchildreninanatmosphereofwarmthandintimacy.Everythingelsewasdetails.Asourdaughtersgrewupanddevelopedtheirownpersonalities,webroughtintoourintentionspecificthoughtsaboutthestyleandqualityofparentingwewantedtoseefromourselves.Forexample:MayIrespectmydaughtersasindividualsintheirownrightratherthanviewingthemasextensionsofmyego.Thissaid,wealsowantedtobeclearaboutboundaries.Werecognizedthatroutinesareparticularlyimportantforsmallchildren,andwhenitcametoschool,forexample,therewouldbenonegotiation.Unlessyou’reill,youcannotmissschooljustbecauseyoudon’tfeellikeit.Yet,wedidn’twanttofallintonagging,either.So,foranotherexample:MayIchoosemyfightswisely.

Ofcourse,occasionallywedidandstilldofallshortontheintentionswesetforourselves.OneofthethingsIdiscoveredaboutmyselfthroughparenting—withsomehorror,Imustadmit—ishowmadIcouldactuallyget.RarelyhaveIfeltsuchintensefrustration,especiallywithmyyoungerdaughter,Tara,whenshewasaroundthreeyearsold.Thankstomyhabitofsettingintentions,andthepowerofintentionstoincreaseawarenessandinfluencebehavior,IwouldcatchmyselfbeforeIturnedemotionsintounskillfulactions.OftenIdiscoveredthatmyownissuesweretherealtriggers.Truly,smallchildrengiveuspreciouslessonsonourownselves.(Thankyou,Tara!)

Intentionscanhelpuswithself-control,whichcanmakeourwholelifefeelsomuchlessoutofcontrol.IrememberwhenIfirsthad,atCambridgeUniversityin1989,alaptopwithaten-megabyteharddiskonit.(Thiswasabigdealthen.)Itcamepreloadedwithgames,includingchess.ThechessprogramallowedmetowithdrawmylastmovewhenIplayedagainstthecomputer,

allowedmetowithdrawmylastmovewhenIplayedagainstthecomputer,whichmeantthatIcouldgetapreviewofhowthecomputermightrespondtomymove.Oftenintheevening,Iwouldfindmyselfplayingchesswithoutnoticinghowmanyhourshadpassed,cheatingandtakingbackmymoveandchangingit!OnceIrecognizedhowaddictivethisbehaviorwas,Ideletedthegamesfrommycomputer,adisciplineIadoptedformynextlaptopaswell.Bymythirdcomputer,Inolongerhadtodeletethegames.

MyrelationshipwiththeInternetande-mailtodayisshapedbythatearlyintentionalpractice.Astheyhavebecomeubiquitous,Ihavebeenproactiveaboutcontainingtheirpresenceinmylife.Withe-mails,inparticular,Ihavemaintainedafairlystrictdisciplinefornearlytwodecadesnow.Istartmyworkdaynotwithe-mails,butwithatleastanhourortwoofactualwork.WhenIthengettoe-mail,messagesthatIcanreplytoinlessthanaminuteortwoItakecareofimmediatelyorlaterthatday.ThosethatrequirelongerresponsesandsomefurtherreflectionIdeferforatleastadayortwo.AndifIreceiveane-mailonFriday,unlessitisabsolutelyurgent,IwaituntilMondaytoreply.Iavoidtouchinge-mailafterwork,aswellasduringtheweekend,exceptwhenIamontheroad.Thebenefitsareobvioustome:spaceandtimetobemorefullypresentwithmyfamily,orwithmyself.It’stheconsciousintentiontobefullypresent,asmuchaspossible,thathelpsmaintainthisdiscipline.

Formostyoungpeople,includingmytwoteenagedaughters,whousedigitalspaceaspartoftheireverydayworld,myrelationshipwiththedigitalworldwillseemparochial,tosaytheleast.Still,whatevershapeittakes,thefactremainsthatwecanallbenefitfromaconscious,proactiveapproachtothisdimensionofourlifetoday.

Iamquitesurethatthereisalinkbetweentoday’shighvolumeofelectronicmailandpervasivefeelingsofbeingoverwhelmedandstressedout.Consciousintention,appliedtothisoranyotherstressorinourlives,worksasabufferagainstthesenegativefeelingsofstress.Foronething—andthiswastrueformewithbothchessandparenting—it’sawayofassertingcontrolwhereyoucan,andsomuchofstresscomesfromfeelinglikeourlivesareoutofourcontrol.Whenwesetanintentioninthemorning,we’remakingachoiceaboutwhatkindofdaywewanttohave.We’retakinglifeintoourownhandsinsteadofwaitingforittohappentous.Wemaywaverorforgetourintentioncompletelyforstretchesoftheday,buttheveryactofsetting—andresetting,andre-resetting—anintentionacknowledgesthatwehaveachoice,andthatinitselfcangiveusasenseofcontrol.Foranotherthing,settinganintentionisaformofpreparation.Westudyforexamsorpreparetalkingpointsandrehearseforpresentations,forexample,becausemostofuswouldfinditunbearablystressful

toshowupunprepared.Intheprocessofpreparing,weconsidervariouspossiblescenarios,whichprotectsustosomedegreefrombeingcaughtoffguard.Ithelpstocomepreparedfortheday,justlikeanyotheractivitywecareabout.

Mayallbeingsattainhappinessanditscauses.Mayallbeingsbefreefromsufferinganditscauses.Mayallbeingsneverbeseparatedfromjoythatisfreeofmisery.Mayallbeingsabideinequanimity,freefrombiasofattachmentand

aversion.

HowIntentionBecomesMotivation

Itmattersthatwesetanintention,anditmatterswhatintentionweset.However,asanyonewhohasevertriedtokeepaNewYear’sresolutionknows,settinganintention,evenareallysincere,goodintention,isbynomeansafaitaccompli.Wemaywishtobecompassionateandcaringtowardothers,andsaythistoourselvesinthemorning,yetfindourselvesthatveryafternoon—ormuchsooner—inarathermoreself-interested,judgmentalplace.Therelationshipbetweenourconsciousintentionsontheonehandandtheoftennot-so-consciousmotivationsthatdriveourthoughtsandactionsontheotheriscomplex.Butwithpersistentawarenessandreflection,wecan,overtime,bringourmotivationsmoreintolinewithourintentions.

TheDalaiLamaoncesuggestedasimplewayofcheckingourmotivations,byposingthesequestionstoourselves:

Isitjustformeorforothers?Forthebenefitofthefeworforthemany?Fornoworforthefuture?

Thesequestionshelpclarifyourmotivationsbybringingcriticalself-awareness(criticalinthesenseofobjectiveanddiscerning,notjudgmental)toourrelationshipwithwhatwedo.Theyalsohelpremindustobringcompassiontobearuponourthoughtsandactions.Wecanaskthesequestionsbeforewedosomething,whilewe’redoingit,orafterwehavedoneit—therewillalwaysbeanotheropportunityto(re)setourintentionandanotherchancetoactinaccordancewiththatintention.

accordancewiththatintention.TwoAmericanexpertsincaregivingbehavior,JenniferCrockerandAmy

Canevello,distinguishbetweenwhattheyevocativelycallegosystemandecosystemmotivations.Withegosystemmotivations,theyexplain,caregivingisameanstosatisfythecaregiver’sneedsanddesires.Inanegosystem,satisfactionisazero-sumgame:Caregiverscompetefor,say,statusandpraiseforbeinggoodatwhattheydo.Incontrast,caregivinginanecosystemismotivatedbygenuineconcernforthewell-beingofothers.Althoughecosystemcaregivingmightresultinbenefitsforthecaregiver—providingasenseofpurposeandjoy,forexample—thesebenefitsarenottheprimaryreasonswhypeopleprovidecare.Theyare,aswesawinChapter1,unintendedbenefitsofkindness.Ecosystemcaregivingtendstobemorecooperative,becausecaregiverswithcompassionategoalsdefinesuccessintermsofwhat’shelpfulforothers.Ontheemotionallevelaswell,ecosystemcaregiversfeelmorepeaceful,clear-minded,andloving.

Thissaid,CrockerandCanevelloadmitthatthereisacomplexinterrelationbetweenthetwosystems.Ourmotivationsareoftenmixed,andourmotivationsandintentionscanevenbecontradictory.IfIshoutatmyteenagedaughterforcominghomelate,myintentionistohelphertakeresponsibilityforheraction,toremindherthatpeopledependonher,andthatthereareconsequencesforbreakingtrust.Themotivation,ontheotherhand,couldbethatIwasafraidforhersafetyatnightandwantedhertofeelasscaredasIwas.Oritcouldbe,selfishly,thatIfeltslightedbywhatIsawasdefiance,andwantedtoreassertmypower.ItcouldbethatIwasangryanditfeltgood,inthemoment,toyell.Moreover,motivationscanfluctuatefrommomenttomomentinasingleindividual.Whatthecontemplativepracticeofintentionsettingsuggestsisthis:Withpractice,wecanlearntotapintoourecosystemmotivations,ratherthangetstuckinouregosytem.Therewardsofactingaccordingtoourbestintentions,whenweexperiencethem,reflectonthem,andtakejoyinthem,redirectourmotivationsfromonesystemtotheother.Withpractice,ourintentionswilltakeontheforceofhabit,andevenourneuralnetworkswill“realign”togetbehindourintentions.

ThequestionofhowwemotivateourselvestopursueourdeeperaspirationshasbeenamajorinterestinthelonghistoryofBuddhistpsychology.InBuddhistthinking,motivationisamatterofdesire,morespecificallythedesiretoactaccompaniedwithasenseofpurpose.Say,inthecaseofbeingmorecompassionate,it’sbymakinganemotionalconnectionwithcompassionanditsobjectivesthatwearouseinourselvesthedesiretoactcompassionately.Andit’sthroughseeingthebenefitsthatweacquireasenseofpurposeinbeingmore

compassionate.Contemporarypsychologyhasonlyrelativelyrecentlycometoappreciate

theroleofemotionsinmotivatingourbehavior.Foralongtime,theWesterntheoryofactionwasdominatedbyrationalchoicetheory,andemotionswereaccusedofcloudingtheprocessratherthanbeinganintegralpartofthesystem.Toarticulatethedualdimensionofourmotivation—cognitiveawarenessofandemotionalconnectionwithourgoals—BuddhistpsychologyusesatermthatisalmostimpossibletocaptureinanysinglewordinEnglish.TheSanskrittermshraddha(depainTibetan)hasabroadrangeofmeaning,theimportantonesbeing“faith,”“trust,”“belief,”or“confidence,”connoting“appreciation”and“admiration”aswell.Shraddhaisafeltsenseliketrust,ratherthanacognitivestatelikebelieforknowledge.Experientially,shraddhafeelssomethinglikeattachmentorattractiontoourgoal,likebeinginspiredtoplayguitarwhenyouseearockstardoit.It’sthisquality,shraddha,thatprimesourheartandmindtorollupoursleevesandplay.

Howdowetapouremotionalreservoir?Cognitionsplayacriticalrole,whichtheearlyBuddhisttextscharacterizeasseeingthevalueofdoingsomething.Notunlikewhattoday’scorporationsdowhentheyadvertisetheirconsumerproducts,oftenBuddhisttextswouldbeginbyextollingthevirtuesofagivenidealorpursuitthattheauthorwishedtoadvocate.Throughcognitiveengagement,suchasseeingthebenefits,weconnectintentionwithmotivation.So,withinthiscausalnexus,thecruciallinktowatchforistheonebetweenourawarenessofthegoalandwhywewouldgoforit,ourfeelingsaboutthegoal,andourdesireorwilltopursueit.

Then,again,it’sthejoywetakeinourefforts(thecouragetotry,thededicationtostickwithit)andtheirresults(thecamaraderieofplayingtogether,inthecaseoflearningguitar;themagicofmakingmusic)thathelpssustainourmotivationsoverthelongrun.Or,inotherwords,makesuswanttokeeptryingandkeepdoingit.Parentswhohavestruggledwiththeirchildtakingupanewinstrumentwillrecognizehoweverythingchangedthemomentthechildbeganenjoyingit.Thisiscalledintrinsicmotivation,asopposedtotheextrinsicmotivationof,forexample,theparentrewardingthechildwithmorescreentimeforpracticingherinstrument.Fromdecadesofmotivationresearch,weknowthatintrinsicmotivationisfarmorestableandenduring.Theprocessofsettingintentionsandjoyfullyreflectingonthemindedicationishow,overtime,wetransformextrinsicintointrinsicmotivations,andtherebysustaintheenergyandpurposetolivetruetoourbestaspirations.

Mayallbeingsattainhappinessanditscauses.Mayallbeingsbefreefromsufferinganditscauses.Mayallbeingsneverbeseparatedfromjoythatisfreeofmisery.Mayallbeingsabideinequanimity,freefrombiasofattachmentand

aversion.

A

5MakingWayforCompassion

HOWFOCUSEDAWARENESSKEEPSUSONTRACK

Weletourselvesbeatthemercyofourthoughtsandourthoughtsatthemercyofournegativeemotions,inthiswayweundermineourselves.

—ATIBETANSAYING

Choiceofattention—topayattentiontothisorignorethat—istotheinnerlifewhatchoiceistotheouterlife.

—W.H.AUDEN(1907–1973)

sthenextstepinourtraining,wecultivatethreeskillswewillusetoapplyourmindtocompassion.First,welearntoquietthemind.Thenwedevelop

concentrationthroughfocusedattention.Andwestrengthenourawareness,arelaxed,openstateinwhichwecanobserveourthoughts,feelings,andbehaviorastheyarise,withoutbeingovertakenbythem.(Awarenessis,infact,themostimportant“activeingredient”ofmodernmindfulnesspractice.)Together,thesethreeskillsaresousefulthatwerepeatthematthestartofeachsuccessivestepofthecourse.Wecallthem,collectively,SettlingtheMind.Intheprocessofsettlingthemind,wedevelopequanimity,acalm,grounded,openmindthathasroomtoholdallofourexperiences,includingourownandothers’needandpain.

Wedon’tneedtodeveloptheseskillstofeelcompassionforsomeone.Aswehaveseen,thatmayhappenquitenaturallyandspontaneously.Butwedoneedtheseskillsifwedon’twanttoleaveituptochance.Insomecases,especiallywhenitcomestoourselves,aswehavealsoseen,wefindthatwearenotabletorespondwithcompassionandkindnesseventhoughwewishwewould.InChapter3,weconsideredmorethanafewreasonswhyresistancemaygetinourway.Resistance,negativejudgment,andself-involvementallcan

getinourway.Resistance,negativejudgment,andself-involvementallcanhijackourattentionandreactions.Ourquiet,concentration,andawarenessskillshelpusguideourmindthewaywewouldlikeittogo.

MindWandering:ADefaultStateofOurBrain?

ArecentstudybytwopsychologistsatHarvardUniversity,MatthewA.KillingsworthandDanielT.Gilbert,powerfullydemonstratedtwobasicfactsofoureverydaymindalsorecognizedinBuddhistpsychology:Ourdefaultstateofmindisthatofwandering,andthismindwanderingisasourceofunhappiness.Inordertoobtainreal-lifedata,insteadofconductingtheexperimentinalabtheresearchersusedamethodknownasexperiencesampling,inthiscasewithaniPhoneapptheydevelopedcalledTrackYourHappiness.Inaninitialstudyon2,250volunteers,theWeb-basedappwouldpingthesubjectsatrandomintervals,askingthemwhattheyweredoingatthatmoment,howhappytheywere,andwhethertheywerethinkingabouttheircurrentactivityorsomethingelse;andiftheywerethinkingaboutsomethingelse,whethertheywerethinkingaboutsomethingpleasant,unpleasant,orneutral.Participantschosefromalistoftwenty-twoactivitiestheymightbedoing,includingworking,walking,eating,restingorsleeping,shopping,commuting,watchingtelevision,and“nothingspecial.”

Almosthalfthetime,peoplereportedthattheirmindswerewandering,andthiswastrueatleast30percentofthetimeineveryactivityonthelistexceptmakinglove.(Onehastocommendthededicationofthesesubjects,respondingevenwhentheyweremakinglove!Ihopetheywarnedtheirpartnersthatthismighthappen.)Theresearchersfoundthatwhenpeopleweremindwandering,theyreportedfeelinghappyonly56percentofthetime,incontrastto66percentofthetimewhentheywerepayingattentiontotheirpresent-momentactivity.(Thefindingsdonotsayanythingaboutthecausaldirection:Werepeoplehappybecausetheywerefocused,orweretheyfocusedbecausetheywerehappy?)Intheirpublishedresults,theresearcherssuggestthatmindwanderingappearstobethehumanbrain’sdefaultmodeofoperationandconclude,“Ahumanmindisawanderingmind,andawanderingmindisanunhappymind....Theabilitytothinkaboutwhatisnothappeningisacognitiveachievementthatcomesatanemotionalcost.”SincethatseminalarticleinthejournalSciencein2010,Killingsworthhasrepeatedtheexperimentwithmanymorethousandsofsubjectsandinmorethaneightycountriesacrosstheworld,allofwhichseemtosupporttheinitialfindings.

Itturnsout,notsurprisingly,noteverythingaboutmindwanderingisbad.EvenKillingsworthandGilbert’sstudyrevealedthatitisnotassociatedwithunhappiness44percentofthetime.Subsequentstudieshavefoundthatmindwanderingplaysanimportantroleinourmentallife.Foronething,ourmind’sabilitytowanderiswhatletsusthinkaboutmorethanonethingatatime—multitasking,ifyouwant—afacilitythatseemstobeassociatedwithworking(immediateshort-term)memory.Peoplewithgreater-capacityworkingmemoriesareabletoretainmoreinformationatanygiventime,anabilitythathasbeenlinkedtointelligence,suchasIQandreadingcomprehension.Second,astudyofmindwanderingusingneuroimagingtechniquesfoundthatit’sinvolvedintheformationandconsolidationofmemory.Finally,mindwanderingisimportantforcreativity,somethingmostartistsknowfromexperience.Inpopularconventiontoo,atleastintheWest,werecognizethatcreativeinsightoftenappearswhenweleastexpectit,whenwearenottryingtoforceitandourmindisopenandfree.Scienceseemstoagreethatwegetourbestideasintheshower.

Thetoxicpartofmindwanderingmayhavemoretodowithitsself-referentialitythan,asmanyhavesuggested,withnotbeinginthepresentmoment.Adisproportionatenumberofthethoughtsinawanderingmindseemtobeabout“I,”“me,”and“mine.”Aclusterofspecificbrainregionsimplicatedinself-referentialthinkingisstronglyinvolvedinmindwanderingaswell.Andwhenoursenseofselfisinvolved,wetendtorelatetoothersandtheworldarounduswithgreateremotionalandpersonalbias.InplainEnglish,whenwe’rethinkingaboutourselves,wetendtothinkwe’remoreimportantthanweare,andfeelthere’smoreatstakethanthereactuallyis.So,muchofourunhappinessassociatedwithmindwanderingmayhavetodowithwhereourmindswanderto,andthecontrastweexperiencebetweenthewaythingsactuallyare(theworlddoesn’trevolvearoundus,we’renotsupposedtobeperfectlycomfortableallthetimeorliveforever,etcetera)andthewaywethinktheyaresupposedtobe(Whataboutme?Lookatme!Whyme?).

Here’swheresettlingthemindcomesin:Weneedthosethreeskillstostopbeingunwittingvictimsofourwanderingminds.Weneedsomepeaceandquiet—notaweekendinthecountry,necessarily,buttheeverydayabilitytoquietandstillthemindsothatwecanbefree,atleastforachosenperiodoftime,fromtherestlessenergyofthoughtsandemotionsthatusuallystormthroughit.Wealsoneedcognitiveskillstointerveneinourownthinking.Weneedtohavefocusinordertoshiftourattentionfromourselvestoothersandtheworldaroundus.Andweneedsomeabilitytopayattentiontowhatthemindisdoingsothatwearenotalwaysatthemercyofitsautomatichabits.Wecultivatetheseskillsthroughcontemplativepractices.

throughcontemplativepractices.

QuietingtheMind

Whenwearesickandourdoctortellsusthatweneedtorest,weknowhowtodothisphysically.Weslowdown,doless,and,ifnecessary,evenlieinbed.Butmindrestdoesn’tcomesoeasilyformostofus.Usually,werelyondistractionanduseonekindofactivitytodivertourmindfromanothermorestressful,tiringone,especiallyfromwork.WewatchTV,readabook,goonvacation,orhaveadrink—anythingforabreakfromoureverydayroutine.Butthat’sstilldoingsomething,anditstillleavesusdependentontheseotherthings.(Whathappensifthepowergoesout?Ifsomeoneinterruptsourreading?Ifwedon’thappentobeonvacation?Yougettheidea.)Contemplativepracticetakesadifferentapproach,givingusawaytoquietourmindfromwithin—notbyrunningawayfromit,butbyapproachingit;notbydistractingit,butbyapplyingit;andnotbyfuelingthefirewithmoreexternalstimuli,butbydiffusingitsrestlessenergyandlettingthefiresgoout.

Thisis,however,noteasy.Arecentstudy,involvingsevenhundredpeopleinelevendifferentexperiments,showedthatmanyofuswouldgotogreatlengthstoavoidbeingalonewithourthoughts.Inthestudy,mostoftheparticipantswereuncomfortablebeingalonewithnothingtodoevenforlessthanfifteenminutes;somepreferredadministeringelectricshockstothemselvesratherthanintrospection.Onetheoryisthatwhenwe’realone,wetendtodwellonwhatiswrongwithourlives,andthis,naturally,makesusfeelunhappy.Contemplativepracticeteachesushowtobewithourthoughtscourageouslyandattentively,yetfreeourselvesfromthenegativesideeffectsofthinking.

Toquietthemind,welearntoslowitdowntostillness.ClassicalBuddhisttextsusetheanalogyofchoppy,turbidwatertoillustratethecharacterofarestlessmind.Stillthewater,andgraduallythesiltsandotherimpuritieswillsettle,revealingthewater’sclearcharacter.Similarly,ifwecanstillthemindandletitstandunperturbedbyourusualsquallsofthinking—anticipation,apprehension,andjudgment—wewillbeabletoseethetruthofthingsmoreclearly,whatreallymatters,whatservesourpurpose,andwhatweneedtodo.

Herearetwocontemplativeexercisestohelpyouquietthemind,drawnfromtheTibetantraditionbutadaptedforsecularuse.Thefirstoneisadeep-breathingexercise;thesecondisakindofmind-expandingexercise,becausethemorespaciousourmindsare,themoreroomthereisforallofourexperience,andforustostepbackfromwhat’shappeningthere,sowearenotjustcaughtup

init.Thepointisnottostopourthoughtsorfeelingsfromarising—thiswouldbeimpossible.Thepointistolearntobewiththem,withenoughawarenessthatwecanwatchthemgoby.Withmorespacecomesmoreperspective:Wecanhavethoughts,andseethemforwhattheyare,ratherthanbeourthoughts.

Ifyouaredoingcontemplativeexercisesforthefirsttime,youcouldspendaroundfiveminutesonthetwoexercisestogetherinasinglesitting.Startwiththebreathingpractice,usetwo-thirdsofyoursittingforthis,andconcludewiththespaciousnessexercise.Ifpossible,repeattheseseveraltimesduringtheday.

Exercise:DeepBreathing

Chooseaconvenienttimeoftheday,whenyouareunlikelytobedisturbed,atleastforafewminutes.Ifyouarenewtomeditation,it’salsohelpfultofindaplace—aquietroom,acorner,aspecialcushion—thatyoucanassociatewithyourpractice.Thiswaywhenyousitthere,thephysicalsettingitselfwillcueyouandhelpcreatetherightambience.

Adoptaphysicalposturethatiscomfortable.Youcouldsitonachair,onacushiononthefloorwithyourlegscrossed,orifyouprefer,lieonyourbackonthefloor(thoughthiswillmakeitharderforpeoplepronetosleepiness).Ifyou’reonacushionorachair,unlessyouhavehealthproblemstrytokeepyourbackstraight,freefromthebackrestorwallbehindyou.Letyoureyesrelax.Youcaneitherkeepthemgentlyclosedorgazesoftlyinfrontofyouatananglewhere,ifyouweretolook,youwouldseethetipofyournose.Personally,Iprefertohavemyeyesclosedinarelaxedmanner.Youcanplaceyourhandsgentlyonyourthighswiththetipsofyourfingersrestingonyourknees.Alternatively,youcouldrestyourhandsonyourlap,withthebackoftherighthandrestingontheleftpalmandyourtwothumbslightlytouchingeachother,formingasortoftriangle.Thepointistochooseahandpositionthatisrelaxedandwillnotcauseanystrainwhenyoukeepitforaperiodoftime.

Nowbeginbyexpandingyourchestsothatyourlungsopenwide.Thentakedeep,diaphragmaticbreaths,eachtimebreathingallthewaydownintoyourbellyasifyouarefillingupthetorsowiththein-breathfromthebottomtothetop.Justlikewhenyoupourwaterintoajug,itfillsupfromthebottom.Breathedeeplyinthisway,onebreathatatime,andfeelyourbellyrisingeachtimeastheairfillsin.Whenyouexhale,letyourbreathoutataslow,measuredpace.Ifyoufindit’smorerelaxingtoletthebreathoutfromyourmouth,doso.

Inhaleslowly,deeply,andattentivelyenoughthatyoucanactuallyhearthesoundoftheaircominginthroughyournostrils.Thenretainthebreathfortwotothreeseconds,andletitout,againinameasured,longishexhale.Breathein...retain...andnowbreatheout,“hah.”Dothisagain:Breathein...keepit...andbreatheout....Repeatfivetotentimes.

Inmostcases,simplybreathinginthisdeliberate,measuredwaywillbringyourmindbackfromwandering,backintoyourbodyanditsimmediateexperienceofbreathing.Thissaid,ifyouneedfurtherpropstohelpbringyourmindintoyourbody,thenasyoubreathein,youcanmentallynote“in”...andholdapause,andasyoubreatheout,mentallynote“out.”Also,ifithelps,youcanpayattentiontoyourchestexpandingandcontractingasyoubreatheinandout,ortoyourbellyrisingandfalling.

Anothervariationyoucanuse,especiallyifyouhappentobefeelingparticularlystressedoragitated,istoimagine,asyouinhaledeeply,thecoolaircominginthrough

stressedoragitated,istoimagine,asyouinhaledeeply,thecoolaircominginthroughyourlungs,spreadingtotheareasinyourbodywhereyoufeeltense,andrelaxingthemasthebreathspreadsthroughthem.Theneck,shoulders,upperorlowerback,andabdomenarecommonareasoftension.Then,asyoubreatheout,imaginereleasingthetension,tightness,andstressalongwiththewarmbreaththatgoesout.Imagine,asaresult,youfeellight,flexible,andfreeinyourbody.

Onceyougetusedtothissimpledeep-breathingexercise,youcanuseittoinvokecalmnesswhereverandwheneveryouneed.Youcoulddothisatthestartofyourworkday,atyourdeskattheoffice.Youcoulddothisonanairplaneifyou’refeelingafraid—whenthereisturbulence,forinstance.Ineverusedtobeafraidofflying,butseveralyearsago,onmywaybackfromEdmontontoMontreal,theplanehitanairpocketanddroppedsuddenly,withoutanywarningfromthepilot.Afterthat,everytimeIflewandtherewasmorethanalittleturbulence,mybodywouldtenseupinfear,eventhoughmyconsciousmindsaideverythingwasfine.IttookatleastayearbeforeIgotoverthisfearcompletely.Deepbreathinghelpedalot.

IalsousethisexercisetodownregulateanytimeIfindmyselffeelingagitated.So,althoughdeepbreathingisconsideredapreliminarypracticeintheBuddhistcontemplativetradition—tohelpsettlethemindbeforeapplyingittomorespecificobjectives—theeffectsgowaybeyonditstraditionalrole.

Exercise:SpaciousMind

Thisnext,shortexercisecomplementsthedeep-breathingexercisewell.Hereweevokeasenseofspaciousnessorexpansiveness,whichhelpsthemindcalmdown,sincesomuchofthetensionandrestlessnessinthemindarisesfromfeelingsofconstriction,rigidity,andheaviness.Thespaciousmindfeelsliketheviewfromthetopofamountain.InShimla,innorthernIndiawhereIgrewup,therewereroofedrestingpointscalledhavakhana(literallymeaning“houseofair”)onviewpointsalongtheroad.Iusedtolovesittingquietlyonthebenchinthesehousesofair.Lookingataphotographofsuchavistamaygiveyouthesamefeeling.Oryoucouldlieonyourbackonacleardayandgazeintothedeepblueskyaboveandfeelitsspaciousness.Whenyouhaveanexperientialsenseofspaciousness,itbecomeseasiertoinvokesimilarstatesinasitting.

Forthisexercise,onceyouhavedonesomedeepbreathing,proceed:Adoptacomfortablebreathingrhythmthatdoesn’trequireconsciouseffortto

maintain,apaceyourbreathwouldnaturallyfindwhenyou’reinarelaxedstateofmind.Onceyouhavesettledonyourbreath,imagineyourmindisawide-openspace,vast,

expansive,andboundless.Thinkofyourthoughts,feelings,hopes,andfearsascloudsthatformanddisappearintothisvastopenspace.Whateverthoughtsarise(“IwishIwascalmer,”“Hesaidthisandthat,”“Imustn’tforgettodox,y,andz,”andsoon)orwhateveremotions(“I’mfeelingrestless...hurt...confused...”),seethatthey’reasinsubstantialasclouds.Imaginetheyariseonebyoneanddisappearintothelimitlessexpanseofyourmind.Thenrestyourmindinthisspaciousnessforawhile,feelingcalmandrelaxed—atleastimaginefeelingso.Staysilentinthiswayforonetotwominutes.

Forsomepeople,chantingorlisteningtochantsmighthelptoquietthemind.Chantingwaspartofmydailylifeasamonkforalongtime,andsomeofthosetimes,chantingwithmyfellowmonks,wereamongthemostprofoundlyquietmymindhaseverbeen.Inthosemoments,Ifeltasiftimeitself—forthatmattertheworldtoo—stoodstill,andtherewasonlythesoundandcadenceofthechant.Butchantingisnotforeveryone.Breathing,ontheotherhand,is.

FocusingtheMind

Inadditiontoarelativelyquietmind,compassiontrainingrequiressomeabilitytoapplyourmindinafocusedway—inotherwords,concentration:consciously,deliberatelypayingattentiontosomethingandsustainingthatattention,atleastforalittlewhile.Anyonewhohaswatchedadogspyasquirrelinapark,ornatureprogramsontelevision,willknowwhatitmeanstofocuswithsingle-pointedattention.Mostofuswillalsoknowfromexperiencewhatitfeelsliketobetotallyfocused,whenwe’regrippedbyapowerfulfilm,deepintoabook,orimmersedinconversationwithafriend.AscommittedasIamtoformalsittingpractice,Ihaveexperiencedsomeofmydeepeststatesofabsorptionawayfromthemeditationcushion,inthemidstofcrowdsandactivity.AsayoungmonkinsouthernIndia,Iusedtolovereading,inadditiontoJaneAusten,thicknovels,myfavoritesbeingthoseofDostoyevsky,Tolstoy,JamesA.Michener,andJamesClavell.Waitingformybus,Icouldeasilypassseveralhoursquitehappilyreading,whileachaoticsceneunfoldedaroundmeofpeoplerushing,peddlersshoutinginsingsongvoices,andthenoiseandfumesthataretypicalofcrowdedIndianbusstations.

Ineverydaysettingslikethese,wemayhappentoexperienceconcentratedstatesinresponsetofactorsoutsideourconsciouscontrol,suchasenvironmentandtime,aswellasthekindofmoodwehappentobein.Throughcontemplativetraining,welearntoharnessournaturalcapacitytoapplyourmind,sothatwemaychoosewhenandwhattofocuson.

InthefollowingsectionIdescribetwodifferentattentionexercises.Forbothofthese,it’shelpfultoquietthemindfirstthroughthedeep-breathingpractice.Theaimofthesetrainingsisnotsomekindofsuperhuman,laser-sharpfocusmaintainedunwaveringlyforhoursatatime.Rather,itistohelpusdevelopsomeabilitytofocusourattention,applyourmind,andsustainthatattentionforatleastafewminutesatatime.

Exercise:FocusedAttentionThroughMindfulBreathing

Onceyouhavetakenthreetofivedeep,diaphragmaticbreathsinthemannerdescribedinthedeep-breathingexerciseonpage95,andhavereleasedanytensionyoufoundinyourbody,continueasfollows:

Chooseapaceofbreathingthatisnotshallowbutalsonoteffortful.Tohelpanchoryourawarenessofthesensationofyourbreathing,chooseafocalpoint,suchasthetipsofyournostrils,whereyoufeelsubtlesensationsasyoubreatheinandout,oryourbelly,whereyoufeelthesensationofitsrisingandfallingasyoubreathe.Thisway,wheneveryounoticethatyourmindhaswandered,youcanbringyourattentionbackbyreturningtothisfocalpoint.

Whenyouhavefoundacomfortablebreathingrhythm,startmentallycountingyourbreaths,witheachroundofaninhalationandexhalationasonecycle.Breathein...andasyoubreatheout,mentallysay“one.”Breathein...breatheout,“two.”Breathein...breatheout,“three,”andsoon.

Initially,youcouldcountuptofiveorten,restartthecountfromone,andrepeatthisprocessseveraltimes,forfivetotenminutes.Ifyoulosecount,donotbeatyourselfup;simplynoteit,gentlybringyourattentionbacktoyourbreath,andstartthecountagain.

Asyougetusedtotheexercise,say,afterafewweeksofpractice,youcanincreaseyourcountuptotwentyorthirty,andrepeat.Maybebythenyoucouldevenincreasethelengthofyoursittingtotenorfifteenminutes.

Onceyougetgoodatcountingserially—thatis,withnolapsesinattention—youcouldmakeitmorechallengingbycountingfrombothdirections:Startbycountingup,sayfromonetoten,andthencountbackwardfromten,andrepeatthiscounting,asbefore,foruptofiveminutesatatimeduringyoursitting.

Countingourbreathsasameanstofocusourmindisanefficienttechnique,especiallyforbeginners.Becausewearegivingourmindsomethingtodoratherthansimplyturninginward,countingbreathsmakesiteasierforustosustainourattention.

Asanalternativetocounting,youcouldtrythisvariation.Here,inplaceofcountingyourbreaths,wenotethecyclesofin-breathandout-breath.

Forthistoo,beginwithsomedeepbreathingtocalmyourmind.Then,breathecomfortably,andmentallynoteyourin-breathsandout-breaths:Asyou

breathein,note“in,”andasyoubreatheout,note“out.”Dothisforfivetotenminutes.

Onceyouhavegainedsomeconfidenceinbreathcounting(ornoting)—say,youareabletocounttwentyorthirtybreathsatatimewithoutlosingyourattention;or,notingin-breathsandout-breaths,tomaintainyourattentiononthemovementsofyourbreathforthirtysecondsatatime,youcouldthenaddthenextstepofmindfulbreathingpractice:

Concentrateyourattentiononthefocalpointyouhavechosen—thetipsofyournostrilsoryourbelly—andsimplyobserveasyoubreatheinandbreatheout.Refrainfromcountingormentallylabelingthein-breathsandout-breaths.Simplyletyourmindrestonyourbreathandobserve;beawareofthesensationofbreathing.Donothing;justfollowyour

breathandobserve;beawareofthesensationofbreathing.Donothing;justfollowyourbreathasyoubreatheinandout.Wheneveryouloseyourfocusandfindthatyourmindhasbeendistracted,gentlybringitbacktoyourfocalpointandletitrestonyourbreathagain.

Duringthesitting,yourmindwillwander,strayingfromyourchosenobjectoffocus.Atthebeginning,youmightnotevennoticewhenyoubecomedistracted.Ifthishappens,don’tbediscouraged;itisquitenormal(remember,“ahumanmindisawanderingmind”).Maintainingyourfocusundistractedformorethanafewsecondsatatimecanbehard.Infact,partofthelearningcurveistoseehowquicklyyoucatchyourselfdriftingawayfromyourchosenobject,andhowkindlyyoucanbringyourselfback.

Whenyoufirststartdoingthefocusedattentionexercises,keepyoursessionsshort.Evenwhenyoudoashortsitting(say,fiveminutes),it’shelpfultotakeshortbreaksinbetweenstretchesofconcentration.Quiteoften,peopleintheirinitialenthusiasminsistonlongsittings.Theyassumethatshortsittingswillhavenorealimpact,butthisisnottrue.Formentaltraining,regularityismoreimportant,especiallywhenyou’refirstlearning.Also,keepingyoursessionsshortincreasesyourchancesofenjoyingtheexercise.Tibetanmeditationmastersoftenemphasizethebenefitsofendingyoursittingonapositivenote,withasenseofjoyratherthanfrustrationorfatigue.

Onceyouhavedoneregularpracticeforafewmonths,however,considerdoinganintensiveretreat,whereyoucanspendafewdaysdoingnothingbutmeditation.Theisolationoftheretreatsetting,maintainingsilence,theregimenofregularlongsittings,allofthiscontributestoanenvironmentconducivetoslowingdownandjustbeingwithyourmind.Sucharetreatexperiencecanhelpdeepenyourpracticeandputyoumoreateasewithyourmind.

NotethatIhavedescribedthethreevariationsofmindfulbreathingsofarinorderofdifficulty:Thefirstiseasiestformostpeople;thesecond,abitharder;andthethird,hardestofall.Inthefirsttwoexerciseswegiveourmindsomethingactivetodo,countingbreathsormentallynotingtheactivityofbreathinginandout.Thisactiveengagementhelpsustogatherourmind,directourattentiontoourbreath,andsustainthatattention.That’swhythethirdexercise,inwhichwesimplyrestourawarenessonthesensationofbreathing,isthemostchallengingofthethree.Wehaven’tgiventhemindanassignmentbeyondbeingthere.

Inthetraditionalmeditationmanuals,thesethreebreathingexercisesaresometimespresentedasdistinctpracticessuitedtodifferentindividuals,butIpersonallyfinditmorehelpfultoviewthefirsttwoasalternateexercises,withthethirdasamoreadvancedstageofmindfulbreathing.Inmydailypractice,Istilldoafewroundsofbreathcounting,skipthementalnotingexercise,and

stilldoafewroundsofbreathcounting,skipthementalnotingexercise,andthenfocusmainlyonthethirdbreathawarenessexercise.It’sagentlewayofchannelingmyattentionprogressivelyinward,withlessdependenceongivingmymindsomethingactivetodo.Intheend,eachofusneedstoseeforourselfwhatworksbest—acombinationoftwoorallthree,orstickingwithjustone.Whateveryouchoose,thekeyistodoitregularly.

Exercise:FocusedAttentionUsinganImage

Youcanalsofocusyourattentionwiththehelpofanimage.Thisisparticularlyappropriateifyoucomefromareligioustraditionthatincludesobjectsofspecialsignificance.ForaBuddhist,forexample,itcouldbeanimageofasereneBuddha;foraChristian,itcouldbethecross,andsoon.Inthesecularcontext,youcouldchooseanyobjectthathasspecialresonanceforyou—apaintingthatyoufeeldrawnto,abeautifulartifact,acandleinfrontofyou.Itdoesn’thavetobeanythingfancy.Traditionalmeditationmanualssuggestneutralobjectsaswell—itcouldbeapebble.Or,youcoulduseaninternalimage,suchasanorboflightatyourheartoratyourforehead.

Sayyouhavechosenacandleasyourobjectoffocus;theexercisewouldlooklikethis:

Lightacandleandplaceitaboutthreefeetinfrontofyou,ideallyateyelevel.Proceed,asbefore,withthreetofivedeep,diaphragmaticbreaths,including,if

necessary,breathingintoandreleasinganytensionandtightnessyoumaybefeelinginyourbody.

Onceyouhavebroughtyourmindinwardalittleandsettleditthisway,thefocusedattentiontrainingbegins.Gazeatthecandlelightassteadilyasyoucan,tryingnottogiveintoanyurgetoconceptualizewhatyousee—“It’squitebright,”“It’snotflickering,”“It’sbeautiful,”andsoon.Simplyrestyourawarenessinthebareperceptionofthiscandleflame,withasenseofabandon.Keepyourgazesoft,notforcingyoureyestolookinaparticularway.

Asyoustayinthisexperienceofpuregazing,graduallyyouwillgetasenseofthecandleinyourmind’seye.Likeaportraitshotwithagoodcamera,theimagesitsbeforeyouintheforeground,withitsbackgroundblurred.Asyourattentionhomesinonitsobject,therewillbejusttheimageofthecandleinfrontofyou.Atthatpoint,asfarasyourexperienceisconcerned,therestoftheworldhasceasedtoexist.Itisjustablur.Stayinthisstateforalittlewhile,withonlythecandlelightinfocus.

Whenthevibrancyofthisexperiencewanesandyourmindstartstoslacken,takeabreakbyopeningyoureyeswidelyandlookingaround.Thenreturnyourgazetothecandleandrepeattheprocess,asbefore.

Ifyouliketheimage-basedattentionpracticeandwanttouseitasyourmainapproach,hereishowyoucancreateyourownprogram.Beginthesittingwiththreetofivedeepbreathstoquietandrelaxyourmind,followedbyonetotwominutesofbreathcountingornoting.Fortherestofthesitting,practicefocusingonyourchosenimage,aspreviouslydescribed.

Ibeganattentiontrainingasayoungmonk,notthroughthekindofcontemplativeexercisesI’vejustdescribed,butthroughdailymemorizationthatwaspartofmymonasticeducation.MostofthetextsIhadtomemorizewerebeyondthecomprehensionofayoungadolescent,soIfoundthemquiteboring,tosaytheleast.Yet,memorizethemIdid.Fortunately,almostallofthetextswereinverse,andtheirmeteredlinesmadeforsomewhateasierchantingandmemorization.

Thebesttimetomemorizeisearlymorning,andduringthedayIwouldrehearsewhatIhadmemorizedseveraltimestokeepitfresh.Intheevening,Ihadtoreciteittoaseniormonk.Then,beforegoingtobed,IwouldrecitetomyselftheentiretextIhadmemorizedsofar,fromthebeginningtothepointwhereIhappenedtobe,chantingitoutsideinthedark.OnceIhadcompletedonetext,Iwouldchantthewholethingeverynightforatleastamonth.Inthisway,Iwouldprogressivelyconsolidatethememoryfromtemporarytolong-term.Thisisanamazingsystem.Today,aftermorethanthirtyyears,Icanstillchantmanyofthesetextsfrommemory,solongasIrereadthemonceortwiceasarefresher!

Iamawarethatmemorizationhasabadreputationinmoderneducation,especiallyintheWest,asakindofrotelearning.However,itcanbeapowerfulapproachtoattentiontraining,especiallyforyoungchildren.Thereissomethingtobesaidforbringingitbackintoeducation,notasasubstituteforlearning,butasameansoftrainingattentionandmemory.

StrengtheningMetaAwareness

Ourthirdmind-settlingskill,afterquietingandfocusing,istheabilitytohaveagreaterdegreeofawareness,whetherit’sinrelationtoourownthoughts,feelings,andactionsorwithrespecttowhatishappeningaroundus.BothBuddhistandcontemporarypsychologyrefertothetypeofawarenessthatconcernsushereas“metacognitiveawareness”or“meta-awareness.”Meta-isaprefix,fromtheGreek,meaning“beyond,”asinmetaphysics—literally,“beyondphysics.”IncontemporaryEnglish,however,weusemeta-tomeanalargerframeworkwithinwhichwecanspeakaboutaparticularphenomenon.Forexample,metadataisdataaboutdata,andmetacognitioniscognitionof

cognition,orthinkingaboutthinking.Forourtrainingpurposes,we’reinterestedintheprocessbywhichwebring

awarenesstothedynamicsofourthoughts,emotions,andbehavior.Insteadofconstantlybeingcaughtupinwhateverishappeninginourlife,welearntostepbackandobservethetheaterofourmindasifwewerenotaparticipantbutanobjectivespectator.It’sthisdimensionofperspective,ofobservingfromavantagepointwithalittledistance,thatmakesthisparticulartypeofawarenessverydifferentfromordinaryawareness.Thisskillofsimplybeingpresentandobservingourbody,feelings,mind,anditscontents,withoutjudgmentorresistance,isreallythecoreofmodernmindfulnesspractice.ThisexerciseisadaptedfromBuddhistmeditation,andinvolvesattentivenesswithnospecificfocalpointasanobject.

Exercise:MetaAwareness

Hereagain,beginyoursittingwiththreetofivedeep,diaphragmaticbreathsandbreathethroughanytensionandtightnessinyourbody.

Tofurtherquietyourmind,youcouldalsodosomebreathcounting,followedbysimplebreathawareness,foraminuteortwo.

Onceyoufeelsettled,releaseyourmindfromitsfocusonthebreathandletitrestwithawareness.Ifyoukeepyoureyesclosedforthisexercise,youhaveonefewersensorymodalitytoworryabout.However,ifyouwishtokeepthemopen,it’shelpfultofaceaplainwall(withoutcolors,patterns,orpicturestodistractyou).

Now,whilestayinginpresent-momentawareness,noticewhatevermighthappentoenter,exit,orpassbyyourawareness—asoundofavehicleontheroadoutside,birdssingingorcricketschirpingsomewhere,thebeginningofanacheinyourknees,athoughtoramemory,andsoon.Stayingalertinyourawareness,simplyobservewhatevercomes,withouttryingtosuppressit,andwithoutaddingfueltoit,either.Justobserve,acknowledge,andletgo...observe,acknowledge,andletgo....

Youcoulddothissimpleawarenesspracticeforuptotenminutes.Ifit’shelpful,especiallyintheinitialstage,doitinsuccessivechunkswithfifteen-totwenty-secondbreaksinbetween.

Walkingmeditation,whichispopulartodayinthemodernmeditationmovement,isanotherformofawarenesstraining.Youcoulddothisbywalkingveryslowly,inameasuredway,instages:

Findaquietspot,eitheroutsideorindoors,wherethereisenoughspacetotakeatleastfivetotenstepswithoutbumpingintosomething.Stand,andkeepyourbodyrelaxed,withyourhandseitherinfrontofyouorinback,thetwopalmstogether,orkeepyourhandsloose,withyourarmshangingstraightoneithersideofyourbody.Keepyoureyesopen,softlygazingdowninfrontofyou.Ifyouaredoingthispracticeindoors,oroutdoorswithweatherandotherfactorspermitting,youmightwanttowalkbarefoottofeelthecontactwhenyourfeettouchtheground.

Onceyouhaveyourbodyposturesettled,startwalking.Liftingyourrightlegwith

Onceyouhaveyourbodyposturesettled,startwalking.Liftingyourrightlegwithawareness,asinslowmotion,mentallysay,“NowIamliftingmyrightfoot.”Asyouplaceyourrightfootontheground,think,“NowIamplacingitontheground.”Then,asyouleanforwardandslowlyliftyourleftleg,think,“NowIamliftingmyleftfoot,”andfinally,asyouplaceitontheground,think,“NowIamplacingmyleftfootontheground.”Repeattheprocessanddothiswalkingmeditationforseveralminutes,uptotenminutesatatime.

Youcandowalkingmeditationatanormalspeedtoo.Becauseofthefasterpace,obviously,youwillnothavetimetobreakdownthewalkintofourdistinctstagesandmentallynoteeachofthese.Nonetheless,youcanbemindfulofliftingtherightfoot,placingittotheground,liftingtheleftfoot,placingittotheground,andsoon.Inthisway,youmaintainasimpleawarenessoftheactofwalking.Actually,whatwetodaycallwalkingmeditationis,intraditionalBuddhistcontexts,apartof“post-sittingpractices,”theideabeingthatthemonksbringfullawarenesstotheireverydayactivities,suchaswalking,notonlywhenthey’resittingmeditating.

Ifyoucanuseyournormalwalkingaswalkingmeditation,youaremorelikelytomakemeditationpartofyourdailyactivity.Iwalkmydog,Tsomo,aTibetanterrier,everydayafterlunchforabouthalfanhour,andIusepartofthatwalkformeditation.So,forinstance,ifyouarewalkinginthepark,youcanbeginbycountingafewbreaths(forthis,youmightwanttoslowdownorevenpauseforamomentandsitonabench).Thenbeginsimpleawarenessofwalking—nowliftingtherightfoot,placingitontheground,nowliftingtheleftfoot....Afterafewminutes,letgoofyourattentionfromthewalkandmaintainsimpleawarenesswithnoparticularfocus.Whateverhappenstopassyourawareness,external(soundsoftrafficoutsidethepark,thesightofpeoplepassingby)orinternal(thoughtsaboutpeople,feelingsofaversiontotrafficsounds,thoughtsaboutsomethingthathappenedtwodaysago),simplyobserveitandletitgo.Afterawhile,returntoyourawarenessofwalking,thengobacktosimpleawareness,andsoon.Inthisway,alternatebetweenthesetwophasesofawareness.

Toquietthemindistorelaxthemind.Welearntounhookourawarenessfromtherestless,tiresomeactivityofhabitualthoughtpatternsandfromourinstinctiveandautomaticemotionalreactionstothese.Welearntoquiettheceaselessinternalchatterofwhat-ifs,andwelearntoletgooftheover-

interpreting,ruminating,andclingingtoourexperiencesthatwetendtodoevenwhentheexperiencesthemselveshavelonggone.Aquiet(er)mindisaplacewecanmorereadilybepresent,whichmakesusavailabletocareforourselvesandothers.

Whenwefocusthemind,wereininitsnaturaltendencytowander,thusfreeingupmentalresourcesthatwouldotherwisedissipatewilly-nilly.Moreimportant,welearntobringattentiontowhatwetrulyvalue.Payingcloserattentionleadstogreaterawarenessandunderstandingofourownandotherpeople’sexperience—crucialforarousingournaturalcapacityforempathy.Infact,withoutattention,thereisnoempathyandunderstanding;andwithoutthesethereisnocompassion.It’sassimpleasthis.

Finally,bystrengtheningourmeta-awareness,webecomemoreself-awareandmoreawareofothers.Weputourselvesinthecourageouspositionofbeingwiththingsastheyactuallyare,sinceweknowthere’sacalmplacewithinourselveswherewecanstand.Weacknowledgeourthoughtsandfeelings,includingthemoreadverseandpainfulones.AswesawinChapter3,becauseofournaturalaversiontosuffering,oftenwerelatetoournegativeexperiencewithdenialandresistance.Notonlydoesthiscausefurthersufferingforus;italsopreventsusfromconnectingwithotherpeople’ssuffering.Meta-awarenessletsusbewithourownandothers’sufferingwithoutfeelingthreatenedbyit,becausewecanstepbackandmakeroomforallofit,ratherthangetcaughtupandthrownoff.This,inturn,allowsourcompassionateinstincttoexpressitselfasitnaturallydoesinthefaceofsufferingandneed,whenit’snotheldbackbyfear.

T

6GettingUnstuck

ESCAPINGTHEPRISONOFEXCESSIVESELF-INVOLVEMENT

Thereisnocharmequaltotendernessofheart.—JANEAUSTEN(1775–1817)

Ifyoutemperyourheartwithloving-kindnessandprepareitlikeafertilesoil,andthenplanttheseedofcompassion,itwillgreatlyflourish.

—KAMALASHILA(EIGHTHCENTURY)

heEnglishverbtocare,withitsmultiplemeanings,isinteresting.Whenwesaywecareaboutsomethingwearesayingthatwetakeitseriously.When

wesaywecareaboutsomeonewearesayingthatweareinterestedinthatperson.Mostimportant,whenwesaywecareforsomeonewemeanthatwefeelasenseofconcernforthatperson’swell-being.InEnglish,weusethesamewordtorefertotheactthatflowsfromsuchfeelingsofconcernandinterest.Sotosay,“Iamtakingcareofthechildren”istosaythatIamlookingaftertheneedsofthechildren.Theselayeredmeaningsofthewordcarecapture,tomymind,animportantlogicofourheart:Ifweattachimportancetosomeonewewillfeelgreaterconcernfortheperson,andasaresult,wewillalsoshowgreaterinterestinhisorherwell-being.Thisiswhypayingattention,fromthepreviouschapter,isanindispensablelinkintheexperience—andultimatelyaction—ofcaringforsomeone.

Sofar,thechainlookslikethis:intention motivation attention loving-kindnessandcompassion actsofkindness.

Thischapterisabouttheloving-kindnessandcompassionlink.InBuddhistcompassionmeditation,wepracticeraisingfeelingsofaffectionandconcernforsomeonewecareabout.Westartwithpeoplewealreadycareabout,andonce

wehaveafeelforit,wepracticecaringaboutmoreandmorepeople,andultimatelyaboutalllivingbeings,untilloveandcompassionbecomeourbasicorientationtowardeveryone.Atangiblebenefitofthispracticeisthatourheartsopen.Wereachoutsideourselves,andlifecanreachinandtouchus,andthisiswhatitmeanstobehuman.AncientBuddhisttextsspeakofsomethingcalledanukampa,meaningthefeelingof“caringfor”or“caringafter,”atermtranslatedbysomeas“tremblingoftheheart,”evokingtheimageofaheartthattremblesorvibrateswithsensitivityandaliveness—aheartliterallymovedbycaring.Mostofusknowwhatatremblingheartfeelslike.Attendingtopeople’sneeds,includingourown,iswhatmovesourheartsandmakesusfeelaliveinthefullestsense.Themorewecare,themorewewillbeabletobringthisheartenergytobearonthesituationathand.

OpeningYourHeartinEverydayLife

ForalongtimeintheWest,atleastbacktoAristotle,wehavedefinedourhumannessprimarilyinrationalterms.Morerecently,we’vecometorecognizethatwearealsoemotionalbeings,withaestheticandspiritualsensibilities.Forme,alifewithoutfeelingtouched,inspired,andmovedbycaringwouldbeashadowofahumanlife.Wefeelmostalivewhenwearetouchedandmovedbyotherpeopleandtheworldaroundus,whenwefeelconnectedwithothers,whenwefindmeaningandpurpose—inotherwords,whenwecareaboutsomethingotherandgreaterthanourselves.Caringinthiswaymakesushuman;it’swhatkeepsusgoing.Touseawell-wornmetaphor,wearetrulywiredtoconnect.

However,caringpresupposesreceptivity,anopennessonourparttobeingtouched.Eventofallinlove,weneedtobereceptive;weneedtobesusceptibletobeingaffectedbyanotherperson.Wecannotwillourselvestofallinlove,butwecanbewillingtofall,withanopen,soft,andreadyheart.Aheartthatishardenedcannotbetouched.Aclosedheartcannotreceivetheblessingsthatcomeitsway.Whenourheartisn’topen,evenifwethinkweareinlove,itisprobablysomethingelse(infatuationdrivenbyadesiretopossesstheotherperson,forinstance).

Ourheartclosesbecausewehavefeltburnedandwe’reafraidofbeingburnedagain.Wethinkwehavebeenletdownortakenadvantageofbyotherstoooften,soweputupourguard.Wethinkopenheartsareforchumps.Itmaybeafriendorfamilymemberwhohurtus,orsomeoneatwork,oritmaybeawholeoppressiveandexploitativesystem.Onewayoranother,everybodyfeelshurt.Oneofthereasonsmygrandmotherwassoinspiringtomewasthatdespiteallthehardshipsshe’dhadtofaceunderCommunistChineserule,shekepther

allthehardshipsshe’dhadtofaceunderCommunistChineserule,shekeptherheartopenandnevergaveuponhumanity.

Sometimesintheprocessofbecoming“educated,”weslideintocynicismandlosetouchwithourcaringheart.WhenIwasatCambridgeIwassurprisedtoseehowcynicismwasoftenequatedwithintelligenceandsophistication.Ifyouweren’tcynical,youwerenaive.Butweshouldn’tconfusecynicismwithskepticism.Theskepticisopentobeingpersuaded;thecynic,ontheotherhand,isuninterestedanddismissive—closed,becauseit’ssaferthatway;closed,becausethecynicisafraidpeoplewillseehowmuchhedoesn’tknow.Thereisadangerthatinwearingthebadgeofacynicwemightforgethowtotakeitoff,andgetstuckwithit.Cynicismbreedsdistrustanddistrustbreedsloneliness,evenbitterness,bothknownsourcesofmisery.Learning—daring—tocareisthewaytogetunstuckfromcynicism.

AswesawinChapter3,ittakescouragetoopenupandstepoutofourshell,becausethenwearevulnerabletobeingdisappointed,judged,andhurt.Andit’strue—manyofthepeoplewhoaremostopenaretheoneswhogetthemosthurt.Worstofall,sometimesthepersonwhohurtusdoesn’tevencarethatwefeelhurt.Meanwhile,wefeelhurtbecausewecareaboutthisperson.(Whenastrangerdoesuswrong,itdoesn’thurtasmuch.)But,aswesawalsoinChapter3,self-protectioncanbecomeahabit,alienatingusfromothersandfromourselves.Theperilsofopeningupcanseemdaunting,butthealternativeisnotreallyliving.It’snotthatwewon’tgethurtagain;it’sthatwecanlearntocare,feelhurt(ordisappointed,orcynical),andknowthatwe’llbeokayanyway,thatwe’lllivetocareanotherday.Andwecanlearn,whateverhappens,nottomakeitworse.Thisistheopen,infinite,unconditional,engagedsafetyofmeta-awareness,versustheprofoundlylimitedsafetyofshuttingdown.

WhenIfeelhurt,Ifirsttrytounderstandwherethefeelingiscomingfrom.Insteadofreacting,Islowdown(quietthemind)andstepback(meta-awareness).Slowingdownhelpsmenotrushintojudgment,ofmyselfortheotherperson.Sometimes,Idiscoverthefeelingshaverootsthathavenothingtodowiththeotherperson.Emotionalpainalmostalwayshasanelementofdisappointment,whichhastodowithcertainexpectationsnotbeingmet.Slowingdowntoexaminetheseexpectations,wecanseethat,often,lefttotheirowndevices,they’vedivergedratherwildlyfromrealitywithoutourhavingnoticed.So,feelinghurt,thoughit’spainful(bydefinition),canalsobeanopportunityforself-discovery—atoughselltoacynic,butsomethingwecanreadyourselvesforandopenuptothroughpractice,ifwecareto.

Howdoweopenourheart?Inadditiontothesittingmeditationslaterinthischapter,weuseeverydaylifeforpractice.Everyopportunityforkindnessisanopportunitytoopenandwarmourhearts.Everymomentwefeelupliftedbythe

opportunitytoopenandwarmourhearts.Everymomentwefeelupliftedbythekindnessofothersisanopportunitytoo.Allweneedtodowhentheseblessingscomeourwayistobeawareofthem,andstaywiththeexperience,ratherthanjustmovingontothenextthing.

Wecanusearttoo.IrememberwhenIfirstsawRichardAttenborough’sGandhi,inthesouthernIndiancityofBangalore.Thefeelingofbeingliftedtoanotherplaneofexistencestayedwithmefordays,duringwhichmyexperienceoftheworldacquiredaqualitativelydifferenttexture,asifallsensoryinputwascomingtomenotthroughtheusualsenseorgans,butdirectlythroughmyopenheart.Literaturedoesthisforsomepeople.InamemorablescenefromthemovieDeadPoetsSociety(oneofmyall-timefavorites),thecentralcharacter,aninspiringteacherplayedbyRobinWilliams,shareshisvisioninapassionateburst:“Wedon’treadandwritepoetrybecauseit’scute.Wereadandwritepoetrybecausewearemembersofthehumanrace....Poetry,beauty,romance,love,thesearewhatwestayalivefor.”

Oritcouldbereligiouswriting,ormusic,orvisualartthatweopentomostreadily,dependingonourculturalbackgroundandindividualtaste.Whenitcomestomusic,forme,there’snothinglikeTibetanmonasticchantingorBollywoodmusicofthe1970sand’80s,especiallysongsbythetwofamousmalevocalistsMohammedRafiandKishoreKumar.ThesearethetwomusicaltraditionsIgrewupwithasachild.Afewyearsago,however,Icameacrossapiececalled“SpiegelimSpiegel”(“mirrorinmirror”),bytheEstoniancomposerArvoPärt.Itwasrecentlyusedasasoundtrackforthetrailerofthe2013HollywoodblockbusterGravity,abouttwoastronautslostinspace.Afewsimplenotesrepeatcontinuouslywithsmallvariations,asiftheimageinonemirrorisbeingreflectedinanothermirror,andsoon,invokingasenseofinfinity.Ihadneverheardanythinglikeit,butthismusictakesmetoaplaceoftendernessandgivesmeafeelingofbeingathomeintheworld.

Ofcourse,it’spossibletousebooksandmoviestoretreatfromtheworld.Ourintentionanddedicationpractice(Chapter4)helpsusnoticewhetherwe’retakinginartinwaysthatserveourtruepurpose.

AwomaninherthirtieswhodidtheStanfordcompassiontrainingcoursegaveanexampleofhowshehadgainedcouragetoventureoutsideherself,andhowgooditfeelsoutthere:

Ihavealwaysbeenareallyshyperson.IthinkCCThashelpedmecomeoutofmyshell.IwasatamusicfestivalwithfriendslisteningtoabandwhenInoticedanotherbandplayingnearbywithnooneinfrontoftheirstage.Ifeltforthem.Theylookedlonely.BeforeI

knewitIhadrunovertothemandstarteddancing!Istarteddancing!Ihaveneverdonethatbefore.Onebyonepeoplestartedtocomeoverandbeforelongtheyhadacrowd.ThemoreIpracticethemoreIseemtoreachouttopeople.Ithinkmyshellprotectedmefrompeople,butnowIthinksometimesIdon’tneedit.

OpeningYourHeartThroughLovingKindnessandCompassionMeditation

Theformalsittingpracticeweuseinourcompassiontrainingtohelpconnectwithourcaringheart,adaptedfromtraditionalBuddhistmeditation,consistsofmeditationsonloving-kindnessandcompassion.InBuddhistpsychology,loving-kindnessandcompassionaretwoexpressionsofoneheart,variationsontheessentialhumanthemeofcaringforoneanother.Loving-kindnessisthewishforsomeonetobehappy,andcompassionisthewishforsomeonetobefreefromsuffering.They’recloselyrelated,buttheemphasisisdifferent,withdifferentfeelingtonesasaresult.Wecanthinkofthemastwosidesofthesamecoin.Wecanthinkofcompassionasamorespecificversionofloving-kindness,focusedonsufferinginparticular.Theyaretwoofthefourimmeasurables(Chapter4),andtwowaystoapproachaperson’swell-being.

TherootofthesepracticesgoesallthewaybacktotheBuddhahimself,morethantwenty-fivehundredyearsago.Thefamed“MettaSutta”(discourseonloving-kindness)includesaninstructionintheformofaseriesofaspirationsfortheheart.Weinclineourheart(andmind—inPali,thelanguageoftheearlyBuddhisttexts,it’sthesameword)thisway,sothatittendstowardwishinghappinessforothers.Theinstructiongoes:

Wishing:Ingladnessandinsafety,Mayallbeingsbeatease.Whateverlivingbeingstheremaybe;Whethertheyareweakorstrong,omittingnone,Thegreatorthemighty,medium,shortorsmall,Theseenandtheunseen,Thoselivingnearandfaraway,

Thosebornandto-be-born,Mayallbeingsbeatease!

Drawingfromthisseminaldiscourse,theBuddhisttraditionsdevelopedsystematicmeditationpracticesforcultivatingloving-kindnessandcompassionforallbeings.ThesetraditionalBuddhistmeditationstypicallybeginwithourselves;thatis,ournaturalaspirationforhappinessandourwishtobefreefromsuffering.Then,focusingonalovedone,wewishthispersonjoy,happiness,peace(loving-kindness),andfreedomfromsuffering(compassion).Fromthere,inever-expandingcirclesofattention,wewishjoy,happiness,andpeacefora“neutral”person(someonewedon’thavestrongfeelingsaboutonewayortheother),thentoa“difficult”person(someonewho,wemightsay,pushesourbuttons),andfinallymovingtowardthelargestcircle—wishingjoy,happiness,andpeaceforallbeings.

But,aswediscussedinChapter2,intheWeststartingwithourselvestendstobringtheprocesstoascreechinghalt.So,here,westartwithalovedone,andan“easytarget”atthat.Thisissomeonewegetwarmfuzziesjustthinkingabout.Ourrelationshipwiththisperson(oranimal)iscurrentlyuncomplicatedenoughthatbringinghimorhertomindevokespredominantfeelingsoftenderness,affection,andkindnessinus.Anewparentmightchoosehisinfantchild.Aparentofasix-year-oldandafourteen-year-oldwholovesbothherchildrenequallymightreasonablystartwiththesix-year-oldifthefourteen-year-oldhappenstobegoingthroughasurlyphase.Youcouldchooseabelovedgrandparent,aclosefriend,oracherishedpet.

Exercise:LovingKindnessMeditation

Inourcompassioncultivationtraining,wedothispracticeintheformofaguidedmeditation.Youmaywanttorecordyourselfreadingtheseinstructions,ifyouprefertokeepyoureyesclosedasyoufollow:

Chooseacomfortablesittingpositionthatletsyourelaxbutkeepsyoualert.Toprepare,takethreetofivedeepbreaths,bringingeachoneallthewaydowntoyourabdomenandthengentlyreleasingit.

Followthiswithaone-totwo-minutebreath-countingorsimplebreath-awarenessmeditation.

Nowthinkofsomeoneforwhomyoufeelagreatamountofuncomplicatedaffection.Ifithelps,youcanuseaphotographofthisperson(oranimal)tobringhimorhertomind,butit’snotnecessarytohaveavisualimage;simplythinkorfeelthepresenceofthispersonastangiblyaspossible.Ifyouareabletovisualize,trytoimagineasvividlyaspossiblethispersonwhomyouholddearandcarefordeeply.Noticehowyoufeelinyourheartasyouthinkofthisperson.(Hereheartrefersmoretotheareaaroundyourheart

thantothephysicalorgan.)Iffeelingsoftenderness,warmth,andaffectionarise,staywiththem.Ifnospecific

feelingsarise,don’tworry.Juststaywiththethoughtofyourlovedone.Silentlyrepeatthefollowingphrases,pausingaftereveryline.

Mayyoubehappy...

Mayyoubefreefromsuffering...

Mayyoubehealthy...

Mayyoufindpeaceandjoy.

Mayyoubehappy...

Mayyoubefreefromsuffering...

Mayyoubehealthy...

Mayyoufindpeaceandjoy.

Nowrefreshthethoughtofyourlovedone,engenderingfeelingsofwarmth,tenderness,andaffection,ifyoucan,andagainsilentlysaythesephrases.Youcanrepeatthestepsofthispracticeforalittlewhile,say,forthreetofiveminutes.

Next,imagineasyoubreatheoutthatawarmlightemergesfromthecenterofyourheartthatcarriesallyourfeelingsofloveandconnection.Thislighttouchesyourlovedone,bringinghimorherpeaceandhappiness.Andonceagain,silentlyrepeatthephrases.

Now,wishingwithallyourheartthatyourlovedoneachieveshappiness,rejoiceinthethoughtofhisorherhappiness.Stayinthisstateofrejoicingforaminute.

Youcandothesamemeditationwithashiftfromwishingsomeonehappinesstothecomplementaryperspectiveofwishingfreedomfromsufferinginstead.Thisistheheartofcompassionmeditation.

Ultimately,youwishallbeingsfreedomfromsuffering,butthe“easytarget”forcompassion,tohelpyoutapintothisspecialheartquality,willbesomeone(orsomebeing)youknowtobesufferingand,aswithloving-kindness,withwhomyouhaveafairlyuncomplicated(i.e.,schadenfreude-free)relationship.It’snotnecessarytoknowhimorherpersonally—youcouldtaketheimageofasufferingchildyousawinthenews,forexample,orahomelesspersonyoupassonyourwaytowork.Youcouldthinkaboutafamilystrugglingtosurviveeverydaywithfearinthemidstofconstantviolence.Unfortunately,there’snoshortageoftragicexamples.Oryoucouldcontemplatethesufferingofafriendorfamilymembergoingthroughahardtime.Again,whenyouputyourmindtoityouprobablywon’tlackforcandidates.It’sthefirst(“noble”)truthofBuddhismthatthereissufferinginlifeandthatitisreal.Doyouknowsomeonewhoissufferingwithsickness,painfulinjury,anxiety,depression,orothermentalhealthproblems,relationshipstruggles,unemployment,substanceabuse,loneliness,grief...?Itcouldbethesamepersonasinyourloving-kindness

meditation.Thekeyistomakeyourobjectasconcreteaspossible,andtoputyourattentiononthesuffering.

Exercise:CompassionMeditation

Onceyouhavedonethepreliminarydeepbreathing,asbefore,followedbyafewbreath-countingorsimplebreath-awarenessexercises,proceedlikethis:

Thinkofatimewhenthepersonyouhaveinmindwasgoingthroughadifficultexperience.Perhapsthispersonisinthemiddleofonenow.Trytoimaginewhatitfeelslike.Noticewhatfeelingsariseinyouasyouthinkofthispersonsuffering.Youmayfeelanachingsensationinyourheart,orasenseofuneaseinyourgut,ortheurgetoreachoutandhelp.Ifnospecificfeelingsorsensationsariseinyou,staywiththethought.Whateverfeelingsorthoughtsarise,justobserveandstaywiththem.

Then,imaginingthesufferingofthisperson,silentlyofferthefollowingphrases:

Mayyoubefreefromsuffering...

Mayyoubefreefromfearandanxiety...

Mayyoufindsafetyandpeace.

Repeatthispracticeforalittlewhile,continuingtoattendtoyourbreathandkeepingthispersoninmind.Everynowandthen,refreshthethoughtoftheperson,andcontemplatehisorhersufferingandneeds.Thensilentlyofferthephrases,asbefore.Inthisway,repeatthepracticeforawhile,saythreetofiveminutes.

Then,whenyouwishtoendyourmeditation,imagineasyoubreatheoutthatawarmlightemergesfromthecenterofyourheartandtouchesthepersonyouhaveinmind.Asitdoesso,imaginethatthiseasestheperson’ssuffering,bringingpeaceandtranquility.Then,withaheartfeltwishthatthepersonbefreeofthissuffering,onceagainsilentlyrepeatthephrases.

Mayyoubefreefromsuffering...

Mayyoubefreefromfearandanxiety...

Mayyoufindsafetyandpeace.

AQuietPracticewithPowerfulResults

Theloving-kindnessmeditationweseetoday,especiallyintheWest,wasoriginallyadaptedfromtheTheravadaBuddhisttraditionofmettapractice.ThewordmettaisthePaliequivalentoftheSanskritwordmaitri,atermthatsharesetymologicalconnectionwiththewordmitra,whichmeans“friend”or“friendliness.”Oneofthepeopleresponsibleforpopularizingasecularloving-kindnessmeditationintheWestisthemeditationteacherSharonSalzberg.Inadditiontoteachingthepracticeextensively,Salzbergcollaboratedwith

researchers,especiallytheAmericanpsychologistBarbaraFredrickson,whowasinterestedinexploringpossibleclinicalapplicationsofloving-kindnessmeditation.

Fredricksonandherteamconductedoneoftheearlieststudiesonloving-kindnessmeditation,withemployeesfromalargesoftwareandinformationtechnologyservicescompanyinDetroit.Justovertwohundredemployeesvolunteeredforthestudy,halfbeingrandomlyassignedtothemeditationgroup,andtheotherhalftoawait-listcontrolgroup.Themeditationcourseconsistedofsixone-hoursessionsonloving-kindnessmeditationledbyanexpert,basedoninstructionsfromSalzberg.

Theauthorsofthestudyreport,“Thefindingsareclear-cut:Thepracticeof[loving-kindnessmeditation]ledtoshiftsinpeople’sdailyexperiencesofawiderangeofpositiveemotions,includinglove,joy,gratitude,contentment,hope,pride,interest,amusement,andawe.”Theauthorsarguethatpositiveemotions,whicharedirectlyenhancedbyloving-kindnessmeditation,canemergeas“themechanismthroughwhichpeoplebuildtheresourcesthatmaketheirlivesmorefulfillingandhelpkeeptheirdepressivesymptomsatbay.”Thestudyalsofoundasignificantcorrelationbetweenpositiveemotionsandotherpersonalbenefitssuchasself-acceptance,positiverelationswithothers,lifesatisfaction,andpurposeinlife.Theauthorsconclude,“Simplyput,byelevatingdailyexperiencesofpositiveemotions,thepracticeof[loving-kindnessmeditation]ledtolong-termgainsthatmadegenuinedifferencesinpeople’slives.”

Inalaterstudy,thistimerecruitingsixty-fivefacultyandstaffmembersfromFredrickson’sownUniversityofNorthCarolinaatChapelHill,herteamexaminedtheconnectionbetweenloving-kindnessmeditationandstress.Participantswererandomlyassignedtotwogroups:onewait-listedandtheothertakingsixweeklyclassesonloving-kindnessmeditation,ledbyanexpertinstructor.

Oneoftheimportantmeasuresforthisstudywastheparticipants’heart-ratevariability;thatis,howtonedorresponsiveanindividual’svagusnervemightbe.Thevagusnerveregulatesourheartratefluctuationsinconnectionwithourbreathing.Fredricksonchosetofocusonthevagusnerveinpartbecauseitseemstoberelevanttohowweconnectwithoneanother.Anatomically,thisnerveislinkedtonervesthatarecrucialforsocialinteraction,suchasmakingeyecontact,tuningourearstoother’sspeech,andregulatingemotionalexpressions.Paststudieshaveshownhowhighervagaltoneisassociatedwithfeelingsofclosenesstoothersandwithaltruisticbehavior.(Greatervagaltoneasindexedbyhighervariabilityofheartrateisalsoassociatedwithalowerriskofheartdisease,andthevagusnerveplaysaroleinregulatingglucoselevelsand

inournaturalimmuneresponses.Ifithelpsusunderstandconnectionsbetweenallthesethings—socialinteraction,altruism,ahealthyheart,andourimmunesystem—nowonderpeoplearestudyingthevagusnerve.)

Comparedtothoseinthewait-listedgroup,peopleinthemeditationclassshowedincreasesinpositiveemotionsandasenseofconnectionwithothers,andinvagalfunction.Reflectingontheresultsofherstudy,Fredricksonobserved,“Everyinteractionwehavewithpeopleisaminiaturehealthtune-up.”

TheeffectsofthecompassioncultivationtrainingcourseatStanfordhavenowbeenmeasuredonawiderangeofoutcomes,fromemotionregulationtostressresponse,andfromsocialphobiatoPTSD.Wewilllookatsomeofthesefindingsinlatersectionsofthisbook.

Oneofmyfavoritebenefitsfromloving-kindnessandcompassionpracticeisthatithelpscounterjealousyandresentment.Fewofuswilladmit,eventoourselves,thatwearejealous.Butintoday’scompetitiveculture,jealousyisquietlypervasive.Itevencreepsintoourhomes,aswhenspousesfeeljealousofeachother’ssuccess.Loving-kindnessandcompassionpractice,sinceitisbasicallywishingotherpeoplewell,conditionsustotakejoyintheirgoodfortune.Thisisthemostpowerfulantidotetotheproblemofjealousyandresentment.

Leftunaddressed,jealousycanturnintoresentment,andresentmentclosesourheart.Soit’simportanttonotletourfeelingsofresentmentgounchecked.Thefirststepistorecognizeit,nameit,andthenexaminewhereitiscomingfrom.Ifweneedtohaveacandidconversationwiththepersontriggeringourjealousy,weshoulddoso,forthesakeofbothparties.

Therealvictimofjealousy,though,isourselves.Theinstantjealousyarises,weloseourequilibriumandfeeluneasy.Somehow,somethingisn’tquiteright.Thereisarestlessenergyaboutit,andwewishitwouldgoaway.Buttryingtodenyourfeelingsofjealousyisliketryingnottothinkaboutanelephant—wecan’thelpbutthinkaboutit.Dwellingonit,wemaybecomebitter,andspreadbitternessliketoxicfumes.Wemightspeakbadlyabouttheotherperson.Wemighteventakepleasureinthatperson’smisfortune.Thisistheoppositeofloving-kindnessandcompassion,andloving-kindnessandcompassionarethecure.AbelovedversefrommyownTibetantradition,fromawell-knowntextbythefirstPanchenLama,hasthefollowinglines:

AsforsufferingIdonotwisheventheslightest;AsforhappinessIamneversatisfied.

Inthisthereisnodifferencebetweenothersandme.

BlessmesothatImaytakejoyinothers’happiness.

ThereIsMoretoLovingKindnessandCompassionThanWishing

IntraditionalTibetanpractice,loving-kindnessandcompassionmeditationinclude,inadditiontowishingothershappinessandfreedomfromsuffering,adeepreflectiononthekindnessofothers.Inessencethisisaformofgratitudepractice,tocultivateasenseofgratitudetothosewhohavebeenkindtous,especiallyourlovedones.Today,thankstoagrowingbodyofscientificstudies,peopleintheWestaremoreawareofthepositivebenefitsofgratitude.Cultivatinggratitudehasbeenlinkedtogreaterwell-beingaswellasincreasedprosocialbehavior.WhatIlikeaboutgratitudeishowitputsusinamorepositiveframeofmind.Whenourperspectivesaretemperedbygratitude,weappreciateourgoodfortune;wetreasurewhatwehaveratherthanbemoanwhatwedon’thave,andthistendstomakeusmoreoptimisticaboutthefuturetoo.

GiventhetraditionalAsianvalueofhonoringtheelders,andourparentsinparticular,theTibetanpracticeofreflectiononothers’kindnesstakesourmotherasacentralfocus.Ifwecandevelopaprofoundsenseofgratitudetowardourmotherforherkindness,wecanextendthistoothersbyrecognizingthat,throughrebirth,countlessothershavebeenatvariouspointsourmother.Toofferatasteofthistraditionalreflectiononthekindnessofothers,letmequoteinstructionsfromawell-knownfourteenth-centuryTibetantext:

WhetherIwasinherwomb,beingborn,orgrowingup,shefedmeandclothedme.Shegavemehermostpreciousbelongings.Sheactedasthoughthestatusofauniversalmonarchwouldbeinadequateforme....Tothebestofherabilitysheprotectedmefromdangersandledmetohappiness.Sheisthereforeasourceofgreatkindness.So,onmypart,too,toreciprocateherkindness,Imustprotectherfromsufferingandleadhertohappiness.

IonceheardtheAmericanBuddhistscholarRobertThurmansaythatwheneverhegotreallyworkedupfromseeingPresidentGeorgeW.BushonTV(a“difficult”personforhim—thiswasduringthepeakoftheIraqcrisisfollowingtheU.S.invasion),hewouldtrytoseehismother’sfaceonthepresident.Hesaidthatitreallyhelpedhimcalmdown.

Sofar,nosecularizedversionofthisTibetanpracticeexists.Butwecantakethegeneralpointofassumingkindnessinothers,andpayingattentiontoitwhenithappens.Wecanpracticemakinglistsofkindthingspeoplehavedoneforus,ratherthanlistsofcomplaints.

Thereis,however,aformalizedJapanesepracticeknownasNaikan,whichistaughtinthesecularsettingandisquitesimilarinspirit.ThenameNaikanliterallymeans“insidelooking”;thetechniqueisahighlystructuredformofself-reflectiondesignedbyabusinessmanbythenameofYoshimotoIshininpostwarJapan.ProponentsofthispracticebelievethatNaikanhelpsusunderstandourselvesasindividualsaswellasourimportantrelationshipsinourlives.

OnthesurfaceNaikanisasimplepracticestructured—onemightevensayquiterigidly—aroundthreequestions:

“WhathaveIreceivedfromthisperson?”“WhathaveIgiventothisperson?”“WhattroubleanddifficultieshaveIcausedtothisperson?”Inthetraditionalformat,becauseofitsAsianroots,thepractitionerfocuses

onhisorhermother.Butinanotherculturalsetting,suchasintheWest,thefocuscouldbeanyone.

AlthoughIhaveneverdonethepractice,Ihavehadthegoodfortuneofknowingoneoftheprincipalresearchersofthistechnique,theJapanese-AmericananthropologistChikakoOzawa–deSilva,ofEmoryUniversity.ChikakounderstandsNaikantobeprimarilyaformof“mindfulnessofothers’kindness.”Inadditiontobeingaresearcher,shehasdoneseveralretreatsandatteststothetechnique’spowerfuleffect.Inretreatsettings,shetoldme,peoplebreakdownintearswithfeelingsofdeepremorse,yetcomeoutattheendwithasenseoffreedomanddeepercommitmenttotheimportantrelationshipsintheirlife.

ItComesBacktoConnectionAgain

Thepainofseparation,thedisappointmentofnotgettingwhatwewant,dissatisfactionwithwhereweare,andtheconstanthopeforsomethingbetterareamongthefundamentalconditionsthatdefineeachoneofusashumans.Butthisvulnerabilityisalsoourgift:Itequipsustounderstandothers;itmakesitpossibleforustogetoutofourselvesandintosomeoneelse’sskin,asitwere.Themorewelearntobewithoursuffering,themorewewillbeabletoconnectwithotherpeople.(“Inthisthereisnodifferencebetweenothersandme.”)Conversely,whenwerelatetoourownsufferingwithunawarenessorresistance,

Conversely,whenwerelatetoourownsufferingwithunawarenessorresistance,welosethatcommongroundthatletsusconnectwithothersandcareforthem.Sowesuffermore.

Atateacher-trainingretreatforourStanfordcompassioncourse,oneoftheparticipantsasked,“Sinceourexperienceofsufferingissocentraltoourcapacityforcompassion,isn’tthereacontradictioninwishingthatothersbefreefromsuffering?”Thisisaprofoundquestion.Iansweredthatinwishingothersfreedomfromsuffering,we’reconnectingwiththeirnaturalaspirationforhappinessandwantingtobefreeofsuffering.Inreality,ashumanbeingswemayneverbetotallyfreefromsuffering,andinthissense,it’sanacademicquestion.Onemightsaywe’lldealwiththe“problem”offreedomfromsufferingifandwhenithappens!Inanycase,compassionisabouthowweallrelatetosuffering,ourownandothers’—sufferingwe’veexperienced,areexperiencing,ormightexperienceinthefuture—asmuchasitisaboutthefactofsuffering.Wecouldbe“free”fromactualsufferingandstillbeafraidofwhenitmighthappenagain(inwhichcasewe’renotreallyfreefromsuffering,socompassionwouldstillbequiterelevant)—thisistheextradimensionofsufferingthatweoftenbringtoourexperience,whichwecoulddowithout.Thisiswhatwecareabout.

Theeighth-centuryBuddhistauthorShantidevaidentifiesanimportantbenefitofsuffering.Hestatesthatourexperienceofsufferingteachesushumilityandmakesusmoreempathetictowardotherswhoaresuffering.TheNobelPeacelaureateandthearchitectofSouthAfrica’samazingTruthandReconciliationinitiativeArchbishopDesmondTutubeautifullycapturesthisinsightwhenhewrites,“Itisthroughweaknessandvulnerabilitythatmostofuslearnempathyandcompassionanddiscoveroursoul.”Althoughwemightneverbefreeofpainandsuffering,howwerespondtosufferingcanhaveahugeimpact,bothforourselvesandforthosearoundus.Inthefaceofsuffering,wecangiveupandwallowin(self-)pityanddespair.Orwecancloseupandhardenourheart.Alternatively,wecouldchoosetobewithourpredicamentandemergefromourexperiencealittlewiser,alittlemorepatient,andalittlekinder.Compassionpracticehelpsuschoosethiswisercourse,inourengagementwiththeveryhumanconditionofsuffering.

O

7“MayIBeHappy”

CARINGFOROURSELVES

IfIdonothavepeacemyself,howcanIhelpothersfindit?—TSONGKHAPA(1357–1419)

Wesayofsomethingsthattheycan’tbeforgiven,orthatwewillneverforgiveourselves.Butwedo—wedoitallthetime.

—ALICEMUNRO

ften,weareourowndifficultperson.IfChapter2—abouthowharditistobekindtowardourselvesinourcompetitive,individualisticcultureand

fragmentedsociety—wasthebadnews,thenthisisthegoodnews,whatwecandotolearnself-compassionandself-kindness,eveniftheydon’tcomeeasilyatfirst.Inthischapter,wetapintothesamesourcewefoundinthepreviouschapter—ourveryownopenheart—thistimeforourselves.Weuse,forreference,theloving-kindnessandcompassionwereadilyhavefor“easier”people(thisiswhatitfeelslike),andtrytore-createthemwithourselvesinmind.Ourheartshavepracticedopening,andnowwelearntoopenthemtoourselves.

Self-CompassionandAttachmentStyle

Weallhavethecapacityforself-compassion,butwedon’tallrelatetoitthesameway.Accordingtoresearchersinthefield,ourdifferenceshavealottodowiththeself-protectionmechanismsweacquiretodealwithchallengesanddisappointmentsinourlife.Childdevelopmentandpersonalitystudiessaythe

activationanddevelopmentofwhatscientistscalltheaffiliativesysteminthefirstfewyearsofachild’slifeiscritical.Theaffiliativesystem,orcaringsystem,asitissometimescalled,isassociatedwithfeelingsofsafety,connectedness,andcontentmentandislinkedtoournaturalproductionofopiatesandhormonessuchasoxytocin(sometimesreferredtoas“thecuddlehormone”).Throughaparent’snurturingcare,ideally,ababycomestorecognizeitsparentsassourcesofreassurance,soothing,andsafety.Fromtheseearlyexperiences,thebabyformsemotionalmemoriesofsafety,soothing,andcalming.Thebabyfeelssecureanddoesn’tforgetit.Inthishappyscenario,thebabywouldbeblessedwithwhatpsychologistscallasecureattachmentstyle.DrawingontheworkofJohnBowlbyandMaryAinsworth,contemporaryattachmenttheoristsspeakoffourmainstyles:secure,anxiousandpreoccupied,dismissiveandavoidant,andfearfulandavoidant.Butattachmentstylesaren’tjustforbabies;theconceptappliestothoseearlyyearsandhowtheyaffectourpersonality,specificallyhowwerelatetothepeoplewe’reattachedtothroughoutourlives.

Aswegrowup,someresearcherssay,ourcapacitytosootheourselvesdevelopsfromthoseearlyexperiences—aprocessofemotionalremembering,ifyouwill.Deepdown,ifwehaveasecureattachmentstyle,webelievethatwearesafeandokay,oratleastwebelieveinthepossibility,becausewehaveknownitbefore.Ideally,thosememoriesstaywithuslikeamentalsecurityblanketintimesofstress.So,ourattachmentstyleaffectsouremotion-regulationhabits,whichaffectourbaselineself-compassionintoadulthood.

Ifourearlyexperienceswerelessthanideal,asadultswehavetogeneratethatwarmthandsecurityfromscratch.It’snoteasy,butit’sverypossible,becausewealreadyhavetherawmaterial—ourexperienceofsufferingandournaturalhumancapacityforcompassion.Wecan’tchangeourparentsorourexperiencesasbabiesraisedinaparticularculture,butasadultswecanlearndifferentwaysofregulatingouremotionsandpracticestodevelopourself-compassion.Ifwearenotoneofthelucky“secure”ones,wecanlearntohavecompassionforourselvesforthis!Atthesametime,ourpersonalitymaybemoreflexibleandamenabletochangethanwethink.

LearningtoBewithOurSuffering

Incompassioncultivationtraining(CCT),wedividetheself-compassionpracticeintotwoparts.Inthefirst,cultivatingcompassionforourselves,welearnhowtorelatecompassionatelytoourownsufferingandneeds.Thesecond,

cultivatingloving-kindnesstowardourselves,dealswithhowwerelatetoourhappinessandaspirations.(You’llrecognizethesetwopartsfromthepreviouschapter.)Thegoalsaretocultivate,respectively,ourcapacitytogenuinelyacceptandcareforourselves,andaprofoundappreciationofournaturalandlegitimateaspirationtohappiness.

Inourclassesonself-compassion,weaskquestionssuchas:“Whatwoulditfeellikeifwerelatedtoourownsufferingwithmoreopennessandacceptanceinsteadofdenialorself-pity?”“Whatmightitfeelliketobetenderandcaringtowardourselvesinsteadofjudgmentalandself-recriminating?”Classparticipantsdiscusshowtheymightreframetheirresponsestodifficultyandsufferingintheirlivesinmorecompassionateways.Thespecificanswersaren’tasimportantastheawarenesstheydevelopintheprocessofanswering—awarenessoftheirhabitualharsh,judgmentalreactions;seeingthattheremightbeother,morecompassionatewaysofrelatingtotheirexperience;andinthesafetyoftheclass,testinghowthisfeels.

Often,whenwearehavingahardtimewetrytoignorethefeelingsthatgowithit.Thisisperfectlynaturalandunderstandable.Wewanttoavoidpain.We’reafraidthatwemightfallapartifwedonot“pullittogether”;thatis,suppressourfeelingsatallcosts.Thisapproachis,however,neitherhealthynorsustainableinthelongrun.Itcoststoomuch.Inmanyways,ouremotionalwoundsaresimilartoourphysicalwounds.Ifwesuppressemotionalpainitwillfesterlikeanuntreatedwoundanddevelopintosomethingworsethantheoriginalinjury—bitterness,forexample,orirritabilitywithanddisconnectionfromothers,includingthosewecareaboutmost.

Oneclassparticipantputitlikethis:

Ihavehadsomequietstruggleswithmyfeelingslately.Feelingsofanger,frustration,disgust,indignance,irritability—allwork-related.ThesefeelingsdidnotwanttogoawayormaybeIdidnotwantthemtogoaway.Myegogothurt.Iwasreadytoexplodeorimplode,notsurewhichonewouldhaverelievedme.IwasashamedandangrywithmyselfforhavingsolittlecontrolofmyfeelingsandforthethoughtsthatIhad.Irejectedcompassion.Iwasdonebeingnicetopeople(thatcameoutofanger).IfeltoutofbalancewiththeUniverse.IwassomadthatneedlesstosayIcouldnotgetmyselftomeditate.SoIdecidedtogotoclasstoseeiftheturmoilinmecouldcalmdown.Itdidnotstartverywell.Ididnotwanttogotosadplaces.

Whoamonguscan’trelatetothesewords?Couldanysinglethingthathappensatworkpossiblybeasbadasthewaywetortureourselvesoveritfordays,weeks,orevenyears?Theparticipantwentontodescribehowhishearthadopenedduringameditationinclass,andtheangerhad“meltedaway.”Reflectingonthis,hesaid:

ThebestpartisthatIstillhavethesameproblemsatwork,sameunpleasantsituation,andsameirritablecoworker,buttherearenofeelingsattached.Ihavebeenthinkingaboutthesamethingsthattriggermyangerandfrustrationsand...Ican’tgetangry.

Assentientcreatures,sufferingisaninescapablepartofourreality,andthesoonerwecandevelopahealthyrelationshiptoitthebetteroffwewillbe.Thefirststepistolearnhowtobewithourownpainandsuffering,withoutresistanceandwithoutgivingintotheurgetofindanimmediatesolution.Toundoouroldemotionalhabits,weneedtodoseveralthings:Oneistolearntheskillofsimplyobservingourexperiencesandstayingwiththemastheyunfold—weneedmeta-awareness(fromChapter5)ofoursuffering.

Anothertechnique,especiallyforthosewhomaybelessinclinedtowardsilentsittingmeditation,islearningtodistinguishbetweenthelanguageof“observation”andthatof“evaluation”orjudgmentinourthoughts.Observationstatementsrelatetofacts,whileevaluativestatementspertaintoourinterpretationsofthesefacts.Taketheexampleofgoingthroughanairportsecuritycheck.Thelineyouhappenedtochoosesuddenlybecomesslower,andyoustarttogetimpatient.Becauseofthisyoumightstartthinking,“Ialwayschoosethewrongline!”“WhyaretheagentsbeingsoslowsuddenlysinceIgotintheline?”“Theagentsdon’tgiveadamnifpeoplemisstheirflights.”“Nothingevergoesrightforme.”Ifweexaminethemcarefully,noneofthesestatementsisactuallyaboutthefacts.Theyareemotionallychargedprejudices,assumptions,andgeneralizations—ourreactiontowhatisactuallyhappening,whichissimplythis:Thereisaslowingdowninthecheckingprocess.That’sall.

Weneedtochallengeourevaluativethinkingandotherhabitualthoughtpatterns,especiallyourself-concept(“Nothingevergoesrightforme”).Despitealltheevidencetothecontraryfrompsychology,neuroscience,andourpersonalexperience,mostofuscontinuetoholdontoastaticself-representation.Eachofushasinternalized,fromourcultural,social,andchildhoodexperience,aparticularrepresentationofourselves,aself-conceptthatexertsapowerful

influenceonoureverydaylife,becauseitaffectshowweperceiveaswellasexperienceourselvesandtheworldaroundus.There’snothingwrongwithhavingaself-concept;theproblemisthatmostofusfailtoappreciatethatitisjustthat—aconcept,aconstructofourminddevelopedthroughourexperience.Webelieveinthestorythatweourselveshavemadeup,andconfusethecontentofourthoughtswithreality.Whenwecatchourselvesindulginginhabitualnegativeself-judgments—“Iamnogood,”“Nobodylovesme,”“Idon’tdeservetobehappy,”andsoon—rightthere,weneedtobringinthequestioningvoicethatsays,“Waitaminute!Thesearejustmythoughts,notme.”

Inaremarkablebook,DavidKelley,thefounderofIDEOandtheHassoPlattnerInstituteofDesignatStanford,speaksofhowourownrigidself-concept(inthiscase,“Iamnotcreative”)isoftenthemainobstaclepreventingusfromexpressingournaturalcreativity.Davidandhiscoauthorandbrother,TomKelley,recountinspiringstoriesofhowwhenpeopleareabletoletgoofthisfixedmind-setwithinanenvironmentthatencouragesfearlessexpression,theirartisticandcreativesidecomesoutquiteeffortlessly.AkeyliesinwhatDavidevocativelycallscreativeconfidence,aself-conceptthatclaimscreativityasanatural-bornhumanabilityinallofus.Incompassiontoo,thereisakindoffearlessconfidencewecantakefromknowingthatthecapacityforitisalreadyinus.Thiscanhelpbreakthroughthedoubtsandfearsthatoftenblockusfromexpressingthekinderpartofourselves.

CultivatingSelf-Forgiveness

Tobetrulykindandcompassionatetowardourselves,weneedtoexaminehowacceptingandforgivingweareofourselves.Whenwehavefeelingsofresentmentorenmitytowardsomeone,wecannotgenerategenuinecompassionandconcernforthatperson.Thesameistrueofourselves.Andjustasunderstandingleadstoforgivenessforothers,understandingourthoughtsandactionsintermsofthehumanconditioncanalsogiverisetoself-forgiveness.We’reonlyhuman.We’redoingthebestwecan.Weneedthatself-understandingandtheself-forgivenessthatflowsfromit.MarshallRosenberg,thefounderofthenonviolentcommunication(NVC)method,capturesthisinsight:“Animportantaspectofself-compassionistobeabletoempatheticallyholdbothpartsofourselves,theselfthatregretsapastactionandtheselfthattooktheactioninthefirstplace.”

Whenwejudgeourselvesharshlyandrefusetoforgiveourselvesforsomethingwehavedone,essentiallyweareattackingthepartofusthatdidthat

thing—“part”ofusinthesensethattherewerereasonswhywedidthatthingthat,consciouslyorunconsciously,meantsomethingtous.Ourevaluative,self-hatingmindwouldsay“bad”reasons,butreallytheywerejusthumanreasons.Orperhapsourstrategyistotrytoamputatethispartofus,andthosereasons,bydenyingtheyexist.(We“justwon’tthinkaboutit.”Or,“I’mnotthekindofpersonwhodoesthatkindofthing.”)Eitherway,weareatwarwithapartofourselves,disconnectedfromit,andthere’snohopeofunderstandingandreconciliationsolongasweareatwar.Withoutunderstandingour(whole)selves,wecan’tacceptour(whole)selves,andwithoutunderstandingandacceptancewecan’tlearnfromourmistake.Itmayhelptothinkofitintermsofsomeoneelse:Inthemidstoffightingwithsomeoneorrefusingtoacknowledgehim,it’ssafetosaywe’renotlearningfromhim.Ofcourse,whenwedon’tlearnfromourmistakeswetendtorepeatthem,andthebattlewithourselvesgoeson.

Notethat,aswhenwespeaktootherpeople,tonemattersalotwhenwespeaktoourselves.Wecanscream,“Howcouldyoudothis?!”withtheimplication“Youmonster!”Orwecangentlyaskourselves,“Hmm,let’ssee,howdidyoudothis?”Theimplication:“Whatamess.Let’sseehowthishappened,sohopefullyitwon’thappenagain,andI’llhelpyoucleanitup.”

InCCT,weusespecificexercisesaimedatself-acceptanceandself-forgiveness.Theyhelpusexplorethepossibleneedsorreasonsunderlyingsomethingwe’vedone,andusethisunderstandingtodefuseourself-reproachfulreaction.Onceweconnecttoourunderlyingneed,wemayhaveanynumberoffeelings—sadness,frustration,regret,disappointment,hopelessness,andsoon.Thesefeelings,whichareinherentlymoreacceptingfeelings—it’ssad,andithappened—helpusmoveawayfromguilt,self-recrimination,andnegativejudgment,feelingsthatprecludeself-acceptance.(“HowcouldIallowsuchathingtohappen?”“Ican’tstandmyselfforlettingthishappen,”etcetera.)Throughunderstandingandacceptanceweempathizewithourselves,notonlyforthethingwedid(“Ohyeah,IseehowIcouldhavedonethat”),butforthepainfulwaywereactedtoit.(Ahazardoflearningtheseskillsisthatwecanturnthemagainstourselves,andjudgeourselvesharshlyfornotbeingbetterattheseskills!)InNVClanguage,thisprocessofconnectingwiththeunmetneedsisreferredtoasmourning.Mourninggivesuspermissiontoregret,whichRosenbergsays“helpsuslearnfromwhatwehavedonewithoutblamingorhatingourselves.”

Exercise:ForgivingOurselves

Inourcompassiontraining,weleadtheparticipantsthroughaguidedmeditationtohelp

Inourcompassiontraining,weleadtheparticipantsthroughaguidedmeditationtohelpengendergenuineself-forgiveness:

Todothisguidedmeditation,adjustyoursittingpositionsothatyoufeelcomfortableandrelaxed.Takethreetofivedeepbreaths,bringingeachoneallthewaydowntoyourabdomenandthengentlyreleasingit.Pauseforabouttwentytothirtysecondsinsilence.

Nowthinkofatimewhenyoudidsomethingthatyouwishyouhadn’t,andasaresult,youreproachedyourselfforit.Perhapsyousnappedatsomeoneyouloveandlaterfeltbadaboutit.Oritcouldbesomethingthataffectedonlyyou,suchasoverspendingonsomethingyouboughtandfeelingguiltyandashamedafter.Recallingthespecificsoftheincidentisnotimportant,unlesstheyhelpyoutoevoketheemotionalreactionyoufeltthen.Whatisimportantistherecollectionofhowyouengagedinnegativeself-judgment.Silentlystaywiththisreflection.

Thenaskyourself,“WhyisitthatIreactedsoharshlythen?”“WhatwastheunmetneedIwastryingtofulfillwhenIdidthisthing?”Whenyoulostyourtemper,itcouldbethatyouneededrespectandfeltdisrespectedbytheotherperson.Perhapsyouneededtobeheardandfeltthatthiswasnothappening.Staywiththesereflectionsforalittlewhile.

Nowrecognizethatalthoughwhatyoudid(forexample,usingabusivelanguage)wasnotskillful,theunderlyingneedthatpromptedyouractionwaslegitimate.Inthecaseofoverspendingandfeelingashamedaboutit,althoughwhatyoudidwasunskillful,thereagainwasanunderlyingneed—perhapsyouwerefeelingdisempoweredanddown,andneededapsychologicalboost.Withawareness,allowyourselftoexperiencefeelingssuchassadness,disappointment,andremorseratherthanguiltandshame.Pausewiththesefeelings.

Asyoutouchupontheunderlyingneedthatledtotheactionthatbroughtaboutthenegativeself-judgment,staywithitforawhile.

Now,breathingoutslowlyandcompletely,letgoofanytensioninthebody,letgoofanytightnessinthemind,and,reflectingonyourearlierself-reproachfulthoughts,silentlysaytoyourself,“Icanletthisgo.Iwillletitgo.”

Finally,imaginethatyoufeelfreeandexpansiveinyourchest,andthenbreatheoutfullyafewmoretimes.

Self-Acceptance

Unfortunately,formostpeopleinourmodernculturethefeelingofbeingtotallyacceptedasweare,“wartsandall,”israreifnotcompletelyelusive.Ifweareluckywemighthavesomeoneinourlifewithwhomwefeelorhavefeltcompletelyatease.Itcouldbeagrandparent,afavoriteteacherfromourschoolyears,aspiritualmentor,oroneor(ifwe’rereallylucky!)bothparents,someonewhogivesusunconditionalacceptance.Suchapersonmakesusfeelthathisregardandaffectionforusarenotcontingentuponwhatwehaveachievedinlifeorsomethingweneedtodoforhim;rather,wefeelthattheygostraighttoourverybeing.

Aspiritualtraditioncanalsogiveyouasenseofunconditionalacceptance.Inmyowncase,IfindthevisualizationoftheBuddhaofcompassion,withhisthousandarmsandthousandeyestotendtocountlessbeings,apowerfulsource

thousandarmsandthousandeyestotendtocountlessbeings,apowerfulsourceofcomfort.TheonlycriterionIneedtosatisfytobeworthyofhiscare,concern,andcompassionisthatIamasentientcreature,nothingmore.Infact,inBuddhism,oneepithetfortheBuddhameans“alovingfriendeventoastranger,”becausehiscompassionisnotcontingentonanypriorhistoryofpersonalrelationship.Thesimplefactofbeingisenough.

Acknowledgingthepowerofthisattitude,theBritishpsychiatristPaulGilbertdevelopedapracticecalleddevelopingacompassionateimage,adaptedfromTibetanmeditationontheBuddhaofcompassion.Gilbert,whoworkswithindividualswithhighshameandexcessiveself-criticism,attributestheseproblemstotheformationofaself-protectivethreatresponsesystemthatisunconstructive,or“maladaptive,”inscientificlanguage.AccordingtoGilbert,thesepeoplehavesomehowacquiredanemotionregulationstylethatdoesn’tusethebrain’scaringsystem.Thegoalinhistherapyistoteachthemhowtoactivatetheircaringsystemanddirectittowardthemselves.

InCCTtoo,weuseaformofcompassionimagepractice.Thecoreofthistechniqueistocultivateanimagetowhichwecanattributequalitiessuchaslove,compassion,wisdom,steadfastness,trustworthiness,andsoon.Itneedstobeanimagewithwhichyoufeeldeeppersonalconnection.Itcouldbethatofawisepersonwhomyouadmireandrespect;itcouldevenbetheimageofapetwholovesorlovedyouunconditionally,who,foryou,embodiedthesequalities;itcouldbetheimageofalightatyourheart,ortheimageofanexpansiveanddeepblueocean;itcouldbeafirmlyrootedtreewithmagnificentthickfoliage;orifyouareareligiousperson,itcouldbeaniconthatismeaningfulforyou.Whateverimagewechoose,wepracticeevokingitinformalsittingpractice.Themorereadilywecancallitup,thestrongeroursensethatitisthereforus,notjustinsittingmeditation,butineverydaylife.

Exercise:AcceptingOurselves

Onceagain,takethreetofivedeepbreaths,bringingeachoneallthewaydowntoyourbellyandthengentlyreleasingit.Pauseforalittlewhile—twentytothirtyseconds—insilence.

Nowbringtomindanimageofcompassionthatrepresentsforyoulove,caring,wisdom,andstrength.Takealittlewhiletoletthisthoughtofyourcompassionimagepermeateyourmind.It’snotnecessarytohavealiteralvisualimageofapersoninthephotorealisticsense;buttohavethefeltsenseoftheperson’spresence.

Nowimaginethatinthepresenceofthisimageyoufeelcompletelyyourself—nothingmore,nothingless.Thereisnoneedforpretense;thereisnoneedforyoutotrytobesomeoneotherthanyourself.Thereisnojudgment,nocriticalvoice;instead,whatyoufindissimplyacceptance,warmandtender.Dwellonthisfeelingofreceiving

unconditionalacceptance.Whatdoesitfeellike?Doyoufeeltheslowingofyourheart,areleaseoftensionsomewhereinyourbody,asenseoflettinggo?

Retainthiscompassionimageasyoubreathe.Then,asyoubreathein,visualizewarmlightraysemergingfromyourcompassionimagethattouchallpartsofyourbody.Astheselightraystouchyou,imaginethattheysootheyou,easeyoursuffering,andgiveyoustrengthandwisdom.Remainwiththisthoughtforawhileinsilence.

Repeatthissequenceofimagininglightraysemittingfromtheimageandtouchingyou,inspiringfeelingsofsafety,serenity,andtotaleaseinyou.

Ifyoufindthatthisimagepracticedoesn’tresonatewithyou,youcouldtryanalternativemethodthatJohnMakransky,aBuddhiststudiescolleague,callsbenefactormomentsinaprogramhedevelopedcalled“innatecompassiontraining.”Benefactormomentsareinstancesinourlifewhenwefeltseen,heard,andrecognizedbysomeonewhoshowedusgenuineregardandaffection.Itcouldbeanexpressionofconcernfromsomeoneatadifficulttimeinourlife,asenseof“everything’srightwiththeworld”wehavefeltinthepresenceofanoldfriend,orsimplyawarmhug.Itcouldbetimewespentwithsomeonewelovedtobenearasachild.Whatcharacterizesthesemomentsisthattheymakeusfeelthatwematter;theyliftusup,makeusfeelhonoredandalive.“Benefactorheremeans,”writesMakransky,“someonewhohassentusthewishoflove,thesimplewishforustobewellandhappy;”heunderscoresthepointthatbenefactorsneednotbeinfallible.Inthemeditation,webringtomindtheimageofourbenefactorandimaginehersendingusherwishforourdeepestwell-being,happiness,andjoy.Whetherweusethecompassionimagetechniqueorthebenefactormomentsapproach,thekeyistoevokethefeelingofunconditionalacceptanceinthepresenceofsomeoneorsomethingthatmakesusfeeleasefulandsecure.Withpractice,wegraduallyexpandourcircleofbenefactors.

SelfKindness

Somanyofusfeellesspatientwithourselvesthanwewouldbewithsomeoneelse,lessforgivingofourownmistakes,andlessabletoviewourselveswithpositiveregard.Inself-compassionpractice,welearntochangethisandextendournaturalkindnessandconcerntoourselves.Weopenupthecircleofcompassionwehavecreated(Chapter6),andletourselvesin.

Avisualizationpracticethathelpsmanypeopletoevoketheirnaturalsenseofconcernandtendernessforthemselvesistoimaginethemselvesasachildandthenallowtheirnaturalfeelingtowardthischildunfold.Wemightrefertoaphotoifithelpsusgetthisperspectiveonourselves.InCCTclassesweusethis

photoifithelpsusgetthisperspectiveonourselves.InCCTclassesweusethismeditation:

Exercise:SelfKindness

Imagineyourselfasasmallchild,atoddler,perhaps,freeyetvulnerable,runningaroundandoftenknockingthingsoveralongtheway.Or,ifitismorehelpful,imagineanagethatyoucanrememberfromyourchildhood.Wouldn’tyoufeelinstinctivelyprotectivetowardthischild?Insteadofnegativejudgment,criticism,andreprimand,wouldn’tyoufeeltenderandcaring?

Letthesefeelingsoftendernessandcaringtowardyourchild-selfpermeateyourheart,andthensilentlyrepeatthephrases:

Mayyoubefreefrompainandsuffering...

Mayyoubefreefromfearandanxiety...

Mayyouexperiencepeaceandjoy...

Mayyoubefreefrompainandsuffering...

Mayyoubefreefromfearandanxiety...

Mayyouexperiencepeaceandjoy.

AcolleaguewhoisaseniorinstructorofStanfordcompassiontraining,MargaretCullen,sharedwithmeamovingstoryfromherclass.InoneofthenumerouscompassioncoursesMargarethastaughttocancersupportgroupsintheBayAreatherewasamanenrolledwithhiswife,acancerpatient.Whentheeight-weekcoursebegan,shewaswearingaratherintimidating-lookingplasticcastonherwholetorso—itseemshercancerhadmetastasizedtoherbones.Thecouplewereintheirseventiesandveryaffectionatewitheachother.Towardtheendofthecourse,thewifestoppedcomingbecauseshewastoosicktoleaveherhouse.However,thehusbandcontinuedtoparticipatebecausehewasfindingtheclasseshelpfultohiminhiseverydaytaskoflookingafterhissickwife.

Thegrouphadjustfinishedself-compassionexercisesthepreviousweek,whichincludedthisguidedmeditationononeselfasachild.Duringtheclasscheckin,whenparticipantssharetheirexperiencefromtheweek,themansaidthathewentbacktofindasenseofhimselfasachildandrecoveredthesensethathewaslovable.Hehadapictureofhimselfinhisparents’armsandfelthappyandopen-heartedtohimselfasababy.Hefast-forwardedseveralyearslatertoamemoryofaChristmasthatwashappy.ThefamilywasinMinnesota,therewassnow,andhesharedvariousdetailsaboutthememorythatmadehimfeelgood.Fromthenon,heacknowledgedthedifficultthingsthathadhappenedinhislifeandturnedhimintothemanthatheistoday.Hefeltthepainandsawhowhehadshutdownasaresult,andthenhefeltcompassionfortheman.Heunderstoodwhyhewasprotectinghimself.Hedecidedthathedidn’tneedtolive

understoodwhyhewasprotectinghimself.Hedecidedthathedidn’tneedtolivethatwayanymore,defensiveandshutdown.Hethought,“Whatcanbetheworstthatcanhappen?”Afterhisinsight,thiselderly,fairlystraitlacedmanwentintotheworldhavingdecidedhewouldsharehisheartwithwhomeverhemet.Speakingabouthiswife’scancer,hesaid,“I’veneverhadanytroublefeelingcompassionforothersbutformyselfisanothermatter.”Theinvitationtopicturehimselfasayoungboyallowedthiscascadeofcompassion.Hefeltaweightonhisbacklift;hefeltenergizedandfree.

Sinceourobjectiveistochangetheverywayinwhichwerelatetoourselves—howweperceiveourselves,ourattitudetowardourselves,howwerelatetoourneedsandpredicaments,andhowwefeelaboutourselves—shortsittingpracticeswillnotbeenough.Aswithcultivatingourintention,attention,andloving-kindness,weneedtobringourtransformativepracticesintoourday-to-daylife.InCCT,wespeakof“informalpractices,”whenweuseeverydaylifesituationsasoccasionstoapplyourtransformativepractices.Werecommendthreeinformalpracticesforself-compassion:

1.Trytobemoreawareofanynegative,self-criticalthoughtsandself-talk.

2.Seethatthesearejustthoughts,constructs,andinterpretations;theyarerepresentationsandnotactualfacts.

3.Explorewaysinwhichyoucanreframenegativejudgmentswithmorecompassionateones.

Sayyoudosomethingthatyouregret,andyoulaunchintounhelpfulself-talk(“Idiot!”“HowcouldIdothatagain?”“Iamaloser.”)Whenthishappens,thefirststepistonoticewhatishappening—thatyouhaveslippedintonegativeself-judgment.Meta-awarenesspracticehelpswiththis.Next,canyouseethattheselabelsyouarethrowingatyourselfarereallyjustyourthoughts,constructedoutoffrustrationanddisappointmentinyourself?Finally,canyoureframethesethoughtsinamoreconstructiveway?Insteadofbeatingyourselfupwith“Isuck,”“Iamanidiot,”“Howcananyoneloveme?”youcouldreframetheseas“Slowdown,”“Iaminpain,”“Ineedassurance,”andsoon.Whenyouspeakyourtruththisway,yourheartwillknowit.Reframingthelanguageofself-judgmentasself-kindness,especiallyifyoukeepatitonaregularbasis,canbeapowerfulsourceofpersonaltransformation.

So,throughthesereflectionsandexercises,wecanlearntobemoreaccepting,forgiving,andcaringtowardourselves,andlessnegativeandjudgmentalofourperceivedfailingsandmisfortune—thatis,tobemoreself-

compassionate.However,tobetrulyself-compassionate,wealsoneedtohaveahealthyrelationtoourlegitimateneedsandbasicaspirationsashumans.Weneedtohave,asitwere,agut-levelappreciationofourbasichumanity,ourneedforloveandhappiness.This,then,isthefocusofthesecondpartoftheself-compassionpractice.

Loving-KindnessforOurselves

Aswedidwithcompassionfromthepreviouschaptertothisone,turningitfromotherstowardourselves,wewilldowithloving-kindnesstoo.You’llrecall,loving-kindnessisthesideofcaringthatmanifestsaswishingsomeonehappiness.Itiswarm,caring,tender,andconnected,andhopefulofsuccessandjoy.Loving-kindnessisalsounconditional,nonjudgmental,andopen.Loving-kindnessforourselvesshouldbeamostnaturalthing,anexpressionofourfundamentaldisposition:thewishtobehappyandavoidsuffering.

Onecomplicationisthatmanypeoplebelievethatfocusingonourselvesisinherentlyselfishornarcissistic.Thetruthis,ifanything,loving-kindnessforourselvesmakesusmoreawareofandempathetictowardotherpeople’sfeelingsandneeds.Nurturingandsoothingourselvesisrejuvenating,sothatwehavealtogethermorebenevolentenergyforrelatingtoothersandtheworldaroundus.Whenwefeelfullofheart,wealsotendtobemoregenerousinourtreatmentofothers.Whenwegiveourselvestheloving-kindnessweneed,wegetthesensethatthereisplentytogoaround,andthatwehavemoretogive.

Onewaytobeginistoclarifyourdeeperaspirations.Wecandothisthroughsitting,journaling,discussion,orsomecombinationofthese.Whenthereisaquietmomentinourday,wecanaskourselves,aswedidinChapter4whenwesetintentions,“Inmyheartofhearts,whatdoIreallywantinmylife?”Ifwerepeatthisprocessovertime,wemayfindthatvalueswecherishcanactuallybecomethegoalsofouraspirations.Werecognizethat,deepdown,weaspiretogenuinehappiness—formeaning,forwholeness,forinnerpeace,forfulfillment—andthatthisaspirationisafundamentalaspectofourbeing.Whenwehonorourwishforhappiness,itbecomesatremendousinnerresource.Andbecausethiswishcomesfromthecoreofourhumanity,byembracingitweembraceeveryonewhosharesit,whichistosay:everyone.

Anotherwayintoloving-kindnessforourselvesistopayattentiontothegoodthingsinourlivesandrejoiceinthem.Itcouldbesomethingthatwedid,orsomethingaboutourselvesthatwefeelgoodabout.Itcouldbeourgoodfortuneofhavingalovingpartner,afamily,oracommunity.Itcouldsimplybeourzestforlife.Ifnothingspecificcomestomind,wecanrejoiceinthenatural

ourzestforlife.Ifnothingspecificcomestomind,wecanrejoiceinthenaturalcapacityforempathyandkindnessthatwepossessashumanbeings.IheardtheDalaiLamaonceremark,“Icelebratemylifeasahuman,iffornothingelse,forthesimpleabilityitgivesmetosingpraisesofaltruism.”Thispracticeofcountingourblessingsisproventohaveimportanthealth-relatedbenefits.Thechallengeistoavoidslidingintoself-satisfaction,whichonlyinflatesourego,andtostaywithgenuinerejoicingthatisanexpressionoftruegratitude.

ReplenishingOurInnerWellspring

AmongtheveteransatthePaloAltoresidentialtreatmentcenterforPTSD,whereCCThasbeenonoffernowfortwoyears,therewasaVietnamveteran.Hefoundtheself-compassioncomponentofthecoursesomeaningfulthatinadditiontofollowingthein-classself-compassionmeditations,hetookopportunitiesthroughoutthedaytoengageinthesemeditations,especiallywhenheparticipatedinothergroup(includingtraumagroup)activities.Sincehesufferedfromextremeinsomniaanywaybecauseofhiscondition,hestartedusingthelate-nighthoursforself-compassionmeditationsaswell.Hesaidthatherealizedhisdecades-longabusiverelationshipwithsubstancescameaboutbecausehedidnotknowhowtoaccessthisfeelingofholdinghimselfandhispainfulwarexperiencesinacompassionateway.Thewayhespokeaboutwhatitfeelsliketohaveself-compassionandthevulnerabilityunderlyinghissubstanceuse,Iwastrulymoved.

AmotherinaCCTworkshoptalkedabouthow,throughself-compassion,shesawthatshehadbeenoutofarelationshipwithherselfforalongtime.Shehadbeensofocusedontakingcareofeveryoneelsethat,intheprocess,sheforgotherownfeelingsandneeds.Paradoxically,sherealized,neglectingherselfmadeherlessemotionallyavailabletoherfamily.Theself-compassionpracticeshelpedhertoreconnectwithherself.Nowshewantstofindawaytosharethisinsightwithherchildrensothattheytoomaylearnself-compassion.

Prioritizingself-compassionisliketheairlinesafetyannouncement:“Ifyouaretravelingwithchildren,makesurethatyourownoxygenmaskisonfirstbeforehelpingyourchildren.”Thestrengthofcharacter,courageofheart,anddepthofwisdomtobethereforotherpeopledependonourcompassionforourselves.

I

8“JustLikeMe”

EXPANDINGOURCIRCLEOFCONCERN

Thisvirtue,oneofthenoblestwithwhichmanisendowed,seemstoariseincidentallyfromoursympathiesbecomingmoretenderandmorewidelydiffused,untiltheyextendtoallsentientbeings.

—CHARLESDARWIN(1809–1882)

AsforsufferingIdonotwisheventheslightest;AsforhappinessIamneversatisfied.Inthis,thereisnodifferencebetweenothersandme.BlessmesothatImaytakejoyinothers’happiness.

—FIRSTPANCHENLAMA(1570–1662)

nTheHeartofAltruism,socialscientistKristenRenwickMonroerecountsaseriesofinterviewssheconductedwithJewishrescuersinNazi-occupied

Europe,especiallyHollandandDenmark,duringtheearly1940s.ThestoryoftworescuersfromHollandwhomMonroereferstosimplybytheirfirstnames,TonyandBert,showshowthiscourageousactwasnotconfinedtoanyspecificsocioeconomicorreligiousbackground.Asasonofadoctorandeducatedmother,TonygrewupinaffluenceinAmsterdamwithfrequentsojournsathisfamily’scountryhouse.Bert,incontrast,wasraisedinalargefamilyinasmalltownandledatypical“countrylifeofDutchworkersdepictedinVanGogh’sportraits.”Tony’samazingjourneytosavingJewsbegansomewhatcasually,whenhemadethesimplesuggestiontothefatherofhisJewishfriendtocomeandstayattheirfamilycountryhouse.Bert’s,ontheotherhand,beganwithhidingaDutchcoupleinvolvedinsendingJewstoSpain.ThefirstJewishpersonBerthidwasafriendofhiswife,Annie.Bertandhiswifeownedapharmacythathadalargebuilding,inwhichtheybuiltasecretroomtohidethepeopletheywerehelpingtosavefromtheNazis.BothTonyandBertcontinued

withtheircourageousenterpriseoveraprolongedperiodoftime,withfullawarenessofthegraveriskstheyweretakingforthemselvesandtheirfamilies.BertwasinfactbetrayedoncebyafellowDutchman,resultinginanextensivesearchofhishousebyGermansoldiers.

Afteralengthyanalysisoftheseinterviews,Monroecomestotheconclusionthatwhatunitedalltheserescuerswasneithertheirreligiousbeliefsnorstrongethicalstandardsbutwhatshecallstheir“perceptionsofasharedhumanity.”Sheunderstandsthisasreflecting“adifferentwayofseeingtheworldandoneselfinrelationtoothers,”inwhichallhumankindisperceivedtobeconnectedthroughacommonhumanity—anattitudetheDalaiLamaoftencharacterizesasrecognitionof“theonenessofhumanity.”ThestatementsofmanyoftherescuersMonroerecordsinherbookpoignantlycapturethisnotionoftheonenessofhumanity.Whenaskediftherewasanythingsimilaraboutthepeopletheyhelped,oneoftherescuersresponds,“No.Theywerejustpeople.”Anotherrescuersaysmatter-of-factly,“Ahumanbeingwhoislyingonthefloorandisbleeding,yougoanddosomething.”OurDutchrescuerBertmakesthispointevenmoresharplywhenhesays,“Youhelppeoplebecauseyouarehumanandyouseethatthereisaneed.Therearethingsinlifeyouhavetodo,andyoudoit.”

ThisthemefromMonroe’swork—thatattheheartofaltruismliestheperceptionofasharedhumanity—resonatesbeautifullywithanimportantinsightinBuddhistthought:Whatfacilitatesthearisingofempatheticconcernforanotherisasenseofconnection—infact,akindofidentification—wefeelwiththeother.Painissuchapowerfulconnector.Whenweseesomeonebleedingontheground,werespondinstinctively;wedonotstoptothinkhowweshouldfeelaboutthesituation.Weact.

Theimplicationisradical:Ifwelearntorelatetoothersfromtheperspectiveofoursharedhumanity,wecouldextendourempatheticconcerntostrangersandeventhosewhomwefinddifficulttorelateto.Buddhist-derivedcompassionmeditationsusephrasessuchas“Justlikeme,otherstoowishtoattainhappinessandovercomesuffering”constantly,almostinthefashionofamantra:“justlikeme,”“justlikeme....”Plus,asaconsequenceofrelatingtoothersthroughourcommonhumanity,wearegracedwithnoendofopportunitiestogetoutofourownhead,akeybothtocompassionandtoourpersonalhappiness,aswehaveseen.

AwomanwhowasateachertraineefortheStanfordcompassioncoursetookonthedailyCCTmeditationswithgusto,everydayforatleastthirtyminutes.Aspartof“embracingcommonhumanity”practice,shewasaskedtoimagineextendingcompassiontoadifficultpersonaswell.Shechoseherex-husband

andhisgirlfriend.Everydayshewouldalternatebetweenthem,andshefoundthatitwasalwaysachallengeforher.Butsheknewthatthiswasapracticeandintimeitmighthelp.Ninemonthsintoherdailymeditationpractice,shewasfollowingadifferentguidedcompassionmeditation,andwasinstructedtovisualizeherlovedonesinfrontofher.Tohersurprise,herex-husbandandhisnewgirlfriendappeared!Shecouldn’tbelievehereyes,or,rather,hermind.Theyhadturnedintoher“lovedones.”Thatsurpriseappearancebeganashiftinherattitudetowardthem.Sheunderstoodthat“justlikeme,theytoosufferandwanttobehappy.”Assheputit,“I’mnotsayingmyrelationshipwiththemisalwaysrainbowsanddaisies.However,IknowthemeditationshavecreatedpeacewithinmethatIcanextendtowardthem.ThisshifthastremendouslyaffectedhowIinteractwiththem,whichmostcertainlybenefitsourseven-year-olddaughter,who,becauseofasharedcustodyarrangement,livesatbothhomes.”

Now,whetherourfeelingsaboutothersactuallyleadtosometangiblebenefitiscontingentuponmanyotherfactors.Sometimesotherpeoplesimplymaynotbereadytoreceiveourhelp.Whatcannotbedenied,however,isthebenefittoourselves.Wefeellesslonely.Andacknowledgingotherpeople’sroleinourownwelfareleadsustoseethemnotasasourceofantagonism,butratherasasourceofbenefitandjoy.

ThePowerofPerceivedSimilarity

TwoAmericanpsychologists,PiercarloValdesoloandDavidDeSteno,demonstratedthroughacreativeexperimenthowperceivedsimilarity,evenatrivialone,betweenusandanotherpersoninfluencesourconcernandcompassionforthatperson.Thestudypairedtwopeople,onearealparticipantandtheotheraconfederate(someonehiredbytheresearchteam),inaseriesofactivities.Inthefirstpart,thetwoparticipants—sittingoppositeeachother,eachwithacomputermonitorinfront—wereaskedtotaptheirhandsonsensorsastheylistenedtotunesbeingplayedoverheadphones.Theparticipantshadbeenrandomlyassignedintotwogroups,oneinwhichthepairstappedinsynchrony,andoneinwhichthetappingdidn’tmatch.Theparticipantsthenwitnessedtheirtappingpartner(theconfederate)unfairlyassignedtocompleteahostofboringtasks,andweregiventheopportunitytohelp.

Whattheresearchersfoundwasthatthesimpleactofsynchronizedtapping,forasshortasthreeminutes,dramaticallyinfluencedthewayparticipantsfeltabouttheirtappingpartner.Thosewhoengagedinsynchronizedtapping

reportedfeelinggreatersimilaritywiththeirpartner;theyalsodisplayedgreatercompassionwhentheirpartnerwasunfairlypenalized.Amazingly,31percentmoreparticipantsinthesynchronized-tappinggrouphelpedtheirpartnerswiththeassignedworkthanintheout-of-syncgroup,andtheyspentanaverageofmorethanseventimesaslonghelping.DeStenowrites,“Thereisnothingspecialabouttappinginsynchrony;anycommonalitywilldo.”Often,hepointsout,wehaveachoice:Doweseeourneighborasadifferentethnicity,orasafanofthesamelocalrestaurant?Thelatterwillincreaseourcompassion.ThisstudyreinforcedmyconvictioninthekeyBuddhistinsightthatcompassiondependsonouridentificationwiththeobjectofourconcern.

Oneareainwhichthecloselinkbetweenourcompassionateconcernandoursenseofidentificationwithanotherhasbeenknownforsometimeischaritablegivingbehavior.“Identifiablevictimeffect”referstoourpreferenceforgivingtoindividualvictimsasopposedtoanonymousvictimsofmisfortune,suggestingthatouridentificationwiththevictiminfluencesourcompassionforhisorherplight.Thisphenomenonappearstobe,infact,partofalargerpsychologyofcompassion.Wetendtofeelcompassionmoreeasilyforrealpeoplethanforanabstractideaofhumanity;foraconcreteindividualthanforagroupofpeople;forsomeonewhoisidentifiablethanforsomeonewhoremainsanonymous;forsomeonewhoisactuallysufferingthanforsomeonewhomightsuffer.Thisisthereasonwhywerespondsomuchmoredramaticallytoaphotographofoneindividualindistressthanwedotostatisticsthatcitethousandsofpeoplewhoneedourhelp.

AcolleagueatStanford,psychologistBrianKnutson,andhisteamrecentlydiscoveredtheneuralunderpinningsofthisidentifiablevictimeffect.TheyconductedanexperimentwithStanfordundergraduatesusingdifferentsetsofimages.Onesetincluded(1)aphotoofachildwithaname,(2)aphotowithoutaname,(3)asilhouettewithaname,and(4)asilhouettewithoutaname;theothersetusedjusttwoimages:aphotowithanameandasilhouettewithaname.Participantswerepaidfifteendollarsperhourfortheirtime,aswellasanendowmentoffifteendollarspaidupfrontsothattheyactuallyhadthemoneyintheirpockets.Theywereinformedthattheresearchershadestablishedapartnershipwithachildren’srefugeeorphanageintheDarfurregionofSudan,forwhicheachsubjectwouldbeaskedtodonatefromtheirendowmentmoney.Intheexperiment,theimageswerefollowedbyonescreenwithanamountrequested,anotherwithachoiceofyesorno,endingfinallywithaneutralscreen.Asexpected,theyfoundthatsubjectspreferredtogivemorewhenthevictimwasmoreidentifiable—thatis,whenaphotographwasshownratherthanasilhouette.Also,picturetrumpedname,astheygavemoreafteraphotograph

withnonamethanafterasilhouettewithaname.Whenitcomestocompassion,ourfeelingscloselyfollowourperceptions.

So,perceivedsimilarityelicitsournaturalcapacityforempatheticconcern.Conversely,whenwefail—or,worse,deliberatelyrefuse—torecognizesimilaritiesbetweenusandothers,wecreatesituationsthataretotallycontrarytoourempatheticnature.Whetherit’saseeminglyinnocuousattitudeofindifferenceorfull-blowndehumanizationoftheother,ourhistoryatteststotheconsequencesoffailingtorecognizeoursimilarities.FromslaverytotheJewishHolocaust,andfromtheethniccleansingintheBalkanstotheRwandangenocide,attherootofallofthesehorrorsisthelackofperceptionofasharedhumanity.Rather,thevictimsweresubjectedtostagesofprogressivedehumanization,beginningwithdifferentiationof“us”and“them,”objectification,andgeneralizationoftheotherthroughstereotyping,dehumanization,and,insomecases,demonization.

EmbracingOurCommonHumanity

ThisiswhywehaveastepinStanfordcompassiontrainingcalled“embracingcommonhumanity,”whenweexplorethefundamentaltruththatjustlikeme,otherpeoplewanthappinessanddonotwantsuffering.Andjustlikeme,othershavetherighttopursuethisfundamentalaspiration.Theaiminthetrainingisnotintellectualassent;rather,itistoembracethistruthinsuchawaythatwefeelit,asitwere,inourguts.

InCCT,cultivatingasenseofcommonhumanityisactuallythefirstofthreestepsinvolvedinextendingourcompassiontoothersinexpandingcirclesofconcern—fromlovedones(Chapter6)toourselves(Chapter7)to,inthischapter,strangers,difficultpeople,and,finally,toallhumanity.Inthefirststep,wecultivateunderstandingofthebasicsamenessofselfandothers,throughadeeprecognitionofthecommonaspirationforhappinessandfreedomfromsufferingthatweallshare.Inthesecond,wecultivateasenseofappreciationofothersthroughseeinghowintimatelyourlivesandwell-beingareinterconnected.Thethirdstepistheactualpracticeofexpandingourcircleofcompassion.Thechallengeinthisprocessistoidentifywiththosewhoarenotclosetous.

Amajorfocusforpracticeisoursharedaspirationforhappiness:Justaswewishforhappiness,sodoallothers.Aspartofourtraining,weusemeditationsandvisualizations.

Exercise:EmbracingCommonHumanity

Imaginesomeonewhomyouholddear,someoneyoufinditeasytocareaboutandlove.Thiscouldbeafamilymember,suchasyouryoungchild,anagingparent,oragrandparent;oraclosefriend.Forsome,itcouldbealovingpet.Don’tjustthinkabouttheobjectofyouraffectionintheabstract;seeifyoucanfeelhisorherpresence.

Noticeanypleasantfeelingsthatformwithinyouasyoupicturethisdearone.Nowimaginebeingthisperson,andseehoweasyitisforyoutoacknowledgethatheorshehasthesameaspirationforgenuinehappinessthatyoudo.

Nowbringtomindanotherperson—someoneyourecognizebuthavenothadsignificantcontactwith,forwhomyouhavenospecialsenseofcloseness.Thinkofarealpersonyouseequiteoften,perhapssomeoneyouseeatyourworkplaceorinyourclass,perhapsabusdriverorsomeonewhoworksatyourlocalcaféorlibrary.

Noticingthefeelingsthatmayariseinyouasyoupicturethisperson,seehowthesefeelingsmaybequitedifferentfromtheonesyoufeltinrelationtoyourlovedone.Usuallywedonotconcernourselveswiththethoughtofwhetherornotsuchapersonishappy.Evenwhenwehappentointeractwiththisperson,wedonotgivemuchthoughttowhatmightbehisorhersituation.Wegetwhatwecameforandjustmoveon.Butnowtrytoimaginebeingthisperson.Imaginehislife,hishopesandfears,whichareeverybitasreal,multilayered,anddiverseasyourown.

Recognizetheprofoundsimilaritybetweenyourselfandthispersonatthefundamentalhumanlevel,andreflect,“Justlikeme,hewishestoachievehappinessandtoavoideventheslightestsuffering.”

Next,bringtomindapersonwithwhomyoumayhavesomedifficulty,someonewhoirritatesorannoysyou,someonewhomayhavedoneyouharm,orsomeoneyouthinktakessatisfactioninyourmisfortune.Picturethispersoninfrontofyou.

If,asaresultofimaginingthisperson,youhappentoexperienceuncomfortablefeelings,simplyacknowledgethem.Youmightrecallpainfulinteractionswithhimorher,howyoufeltthenaboutuncomfortablefeelingsthataroseinyou.Don’tsuppressthefeelings,anddon’treinforcethembytryingtoohardtoaccuratelyrecallthoseexchanges(“Thenshesaid...butIsaid...“).

Nowputyourselfinthisperson’sshoesforamoment,recognizingthatsheisanobjectofdeepconcerntosomeone,sheisaparentoraspouse,achildandadearfriendofsomeone.Acknowledgethatthispersonhasthesamefundamentalaspirationforhappinessthatyouhave.Letyourmindremaininthisawarenessforalittlewhile,saytwentytothirtyseconds.

Finally,picturethethreepeopletogetherinfrontofyou,andreflectonthefactthattheyequallyshareabasicyearningtobehappyandfreefromsuffering.Onthislevelthereisnodifferencebetweenthesethreepeople;inthisfundamentalrespect,theyareallexactlythesame.Seeifyoucanrelatetoeachofthesethreepeoplefromthatperspective,fromthisbasisoftheaspirationforhappinessthatweallshare.

Thisaspirationforhappinessandwishtoovercomesufferingareacommonbondthatunitesuswithallotherbeings.Letyourmindabideinthisawarenessforawhile.

Withthisdeeprecognitionthatthewishforhappinessandthewishtoovercomesufferingarecommontoall,silentlyrepeatthisphrase:“Justlikeme,allothersaspiretohappinessandwishtoovercomesuffering.”

Thispracticeopensthewayformoreconstructivemodesofrelatingto

others.ThereisareasonwhysomanypeoplelovedthemovieE.T.Thehumanlikefeaturesofthealien,histragicsituationofbeingstrandedonEarth,hisfearofwhatmighthappentohim,andhislongingtoreturnhome(crystalizedinthefamousphrase“E.T.phonehome”),allsetwithinthecontextofadeepeningfriendshipwithalonelyboy,madeitauniversalstoryofempathyandcompassion.Iappreciatedthismoviesomuchthatwhenmytwodaughterswereoldenoughtotransitionfromchildren’sanimationtolive-actionmovies,Ichoseitastheir“grown-up”debut.

Sometimes,the“justlikeme”practicecanworkinthemostunexpectedways.IheardamovingstoryfrommycolleagueLeahWeiss,whotaughtCCTnumeroustimesattheVAresidentialtreatmentcenterforPTSDinPaloAlto.Oneoftheparticipants,aveteraninhismidforties,saidthatofallthethingshehadlearnedfromthecompassiontrainingcourseofferedatthecenter,thecontemplationofourcommonaspirationforhappinesswasthemostimmediatelyhelpful.Hesaidthathehadstruggledwithanangerproblemforalongtimeandhadundergoneallkindsoftherapyandtreatment,butthecourseprovidedhimwithavaluabletoolthatsupportedhishealingprocess.Hisangerwouldgettriggeredparticularlywhenheperceivedunfairnessonsomebodyelse’spart,suchassomeonejumpingalineinasupermarketorcuttinginquicklytosnatchaparkingspace.Whenthishappened,hewouldgointoarage;hehadevenassaultedtheotherpersononsomeoccasions.Thankstocompassiontraining,hesaid,henowusesthecontemplationJustlikeme,hetoowishestobehappyandavoidsuffering,likeamantratocalmhimselfdown.Hesaidthatnowwhenhecatcheshimselfgettingworkedupbecauseofsomethingsomeonehasdone,herepeatsthephrasetohimself—“Justlikeme...Justlikeme...”—anditdoeshelphimcalmdown.

Amiddle-schoolspecialeducationteacherandcertifiedCCTinstructordescribedarevelationshe’dhadaboutadifficultpersonatwork(emphasisadded):

WhileIwasinvolvedinCCTclassesIwasdealingwithaverychallenginganddemoralizingsituationatwork.ForthepastfouryearsIhavebeensuccessfullyusingmindfulnessonadailybasis,bothpersonallyandwithmystudentsintheclassroom.However,thisdailypracticewasnotsufficientinhelpingmedealwithaveryantagonisticandcontentiousevaluationprocesswithmyprincipal.ItrulybelievethatifIhadnotbeeninvolvedwithCCTatthetime,Iverylikelywouldhavetransferredschoolsorevenleftthe

professionentirely.Myweeklyclassroomobservationsbythisprincipalresultedinsevereandunwarrantedcriticismofmyteachingpractices.Ourpost-evaluationmeetingsalwaysseemedtooccurthedayofmyCCTclasses.Forthat,Iameternallygrateful.NotonlydidIreceiveawealthofsupportandcompassionfrommyCCTcolleaguesandtrainers;Iquicklyunderstoodthatthisprincipal’sbehaviorwasmerelyatragicexpressionofanunmetneed.Soinsteadoffallingintothevictimrole,Ilearnedtofeelcompassionforthiswomanonadailybasis.Shewasmy“difficultperson”whoIknewattheverycorewasmerelytryingtobehappyandtobeloved.Thistransformedmyoverallexperiencewithmyprincipal.Iwasabletogleanthereasonablesuggestionsshehadtoimprovemyteachingpracticeandignoreallofthevitrioliccriticism.

CultivatingAppreciationofOthers

HavingembracedoursharedhumanityinCCT,wethenturntocontemplatinghowdeeplyinterconnectedweare.Participantsreflectonhowourownlivesandthelivesofcountlessothersareintertwinedinanetworkofrelationshipsthatsustainandpromotethewell-beingofeveryonewhoispartofthenetwork.Althoughcontemporaryculturetendstopromoteindividualism,independence,andself-reliance,therealityofourlifetodayissuchthatwearethoroughlysocial,interdependent,andreliantonothers.

Take,forexample,thevariousnecessitiesofourlife—thethingswerequiretomaintainourlifeandhealthandflourish.Fromthefoodweeat,theclotheswewear,andthehomeweliveintothebooksweenjoyreading,theideasthatinspireus,andthemanyserviceswetakeadvantageofeveryday,wedependonothersforeveryoneofourcomfortsandjoys...andforourverysurvival.AstheTibetanmind-trainingteachersremindus,eventoenjoyfameweneedotherstotalkaboutus.

TrytracingthechainofthoseinvolvedinfinallybringingaT-shirtintoalocalshop,andtherewillbepotentiallycountlessindividuals:thefarmerswhoproducedthecotton,theanimalsthatmighthavehelpedplowthefield,theworkersinthegarmentindustry,thepeoplewhohelpedmarkettheproducts,andfinallythesalespersonintheshopwhereweboughttheitem.Therewouldbethefarmerswhogrewthefoodthatthecottonfarmersateforlunch,andthepeoplewhodrilledtheoilonwhichthefarmmachineryruns;peopleontheshipthatbroughttheT-shirtfromwhereitwasmade,ifitwasmadeoverseas,andpeopletogetitofftheshipanddriveittothewarehouse;courierswhodeliveredthe

togetitofftheshipanddriveittothewarehouse;courierswhodeliveredtheshipmentofT-shirtstotheshopandsoon.

Orcontemplatethepeoplewhomayhavebeeninvolvedinmakingitpossibletohaveabowlofriceonourtable.HavingworkedinthefieldsinsouthernIndiainmyearlyteens,Ialwaystrytoappreciatethehardshipsfarmersendureinordertomakefoodavailableforothers,andIteachmydaughterstobeawareofthesetoo.Plowing,seeding,tending,andharvesting;weather,pests,etcetera—theirsisatremendouslypatientworkfraughtwithworriesaboutallsortsofthingsthatcangowrong.

Today,thereisthemarveloustechniqueoflifecycleanalysis,whichassessestheenvironmentalimpactofasingleproduct,suchasthebookore-readeronehasinone’shand.Theanalysisfactorsthestepsinproducingtheproduct,fromextractionofrawmaterialtomanufacturingofparts,fromlaborinvolvedindifferentpartsoftheworldtotransportation.Thisisapowerfultooltohelpusappreciatetheinterconnectednatureofeverydayobjects,fromsmartphonestoourfavoritejeans,andwecanuseittocontemplatehowdependentweareonothers.Aswedelveintothisthoroughlyinterconnectedrealitythatisourexistence,werealizehowthereisliterallynothingthatispartofourlife—ourexistence,ourwelfare,andevenouridentityasanindividual—thatdoesnotdependonothers.

Thisinterconnectednessofselfandothersextendstoourveryidentity.Eventhemostcherishedobjectofourthoughts,thefeelingof“I,”iscontingentuponthepresenceofothers.“I”canbedefinedonlyinrelationto“you”and“they”;withoutothersthethoughtof“I”simplywouldnotarise.Infact,Inoticedthatittakesquitealongwhilebeforeababylearnstousefirst-personpronounslike“I,”“me,”and“mine.”Asparentswekindofknowthisintuitively.Wesaythingslike“WillyougiveittoDaddy?”“Mummywilldothis,”“Mummyissad,”andsoon,usingthethirdpersontorefertoourselves.Thechilddoesthesame.Whenmydaughterswerelearningtospeak,theywouldrefertothemselvesinthethirdpersonordropthesubjectfromtheirsentences(“Wantthat!”).Developmentalscientistsspeakofhowbabies’identitiesarefusedwiththeirmothers’,andonlyovertimedotheyacquireanautonomousidentityasaseparateindividual.

InCCTclasses,weleadtheparticipantsthroughaguidedmeditationfocusedonappreciatingothersthisway.

Exercise:AppreciatingOthers

Asyoucontemplatethevariouswaysinwhichyouarethebeneficiaryofcontributionsfromsomanypeople,includingcountlessstrangers,acknowledgethatit’sthepresenceofothersthatmakesitpossibleforyoutolive;it’stheirpresencethatgivesmeaningtoyourexistence;andit’stheirdeedsthatcontributetowardyourwelfare.Nowallowyourhearttoopensothatasenseofappreciationandgratitudemaybegintoariseinyou.Abideinthisstate,andwhateverpositivethoughtsandfeelingsyouhappentoexperience,letthempermeateyourentirebeing.

Nextcontemplatethisthought:“JustasIfeelhappywhenotherswishmewell,andfeeltouchedwhenothersshowconcernformypainandsorrow,soeveryoneelsefeelsthesameway.ThereforeIshallrejoiceinothers’happinessandfeelconcernedfortheirpainandsorrow.”

Onceagain,recallingyourprofoundrecognitionthatothersaspiretohappinessandshunsufferingthesamewayyoudo,openyourhearttorejoicinginothers’happinessandconnectingwiththeirpain.

Now—havingbroughttoyourmindthefundamentalrecognitionthat,justlikeyou,allothersaspiretohappinessandwishtoavoidsuffering,aswellashavingreflectedonthedeeplyinterconnectednatureofyourselfandothers—letyourheartbecomepermeatedbythesenseofconnectionwithothers.

ExpandingOurCircleofConcern

Hereweconsciouslyexpandourcircleofconcerntoincludenotjustourselfandimmediatelovedones,butamuchlargergroupofothersaswell.Indoingso,webreakfreefromwhatAlbertEinsteincalledthe“opticaldelusionofconsciousness”—oursenseofbeingseparatefromothersandtheuniverse.Welearntotranscendourtribaltendencytorelatetoothersintermsof“us”and“them,”in-groupandout-group.Einstein,forexample,comparedoursenseofseparatenesstoaprisonthatrestrictsus“toourpersonaldesiresandtoaffectionforafewpersonsnearesttous.”Andourtask,hemaintained,“mustbetofreeourselvesfromthisprisonbywideningourcircleofcompassiontoembracealllivingcreaturesandthewholeofnatureinitsbeauty.”Hereisameditationtoguideusinwideningourcircleofcompassiontoembracealllivingcreatures.

Exercise:ExpandingOurCircleofConcern

Havingsettledintoarelaxedstate,physicallyandmentally,bringyourattentionintothepresentmomentbyobservingyourbreath.Settleintotheonlyrealitythereisatthisverymoment,thepresent.Letyourmindrestsimplyintheawarenessofthegentlerhythmofyourbreathing.

Nowthinkofatimewhenyouexperiencedgreatdifficultyandsuffered.Noticehowyoufeelwhenyouthinkofsuchanexperience...then,withfeelingsoftenderness,warmth,andcaringtowardyourself,silentlyrepeatthesephrases:

MayIbefreefromsuffering...

MayIexperiencepeaceandjoy.

Next,withafirmrecognitionthatthewishforgenuinehappinessisanessentialpartofyourbeing,silentlyrepeatthefollowingphrases:

MayIbehappy...

MayIbefreefromsuffering...

MayIfindpeaceandjoy.

Withallyourheart,staywiththeseaspirationsforalittlewhile,twentytothirtyseconds.

Nowpicturesomeoneforwhomyouhaveagreatamountofaffection.Noticethetendernessandwarmththismaybringtoyourheartandhowthismakesyoufeel.Thenthinkofatimewhenthispersonwasgoingthroughdifficulty,noticinghowyouexperienceasenseofconcernbasedonafeelingoftendernesstowardyourlovedone.Noticehowyoufeelforhisorherpain;youmayevenhaveanurgetoreachoutandhelp.Withthesefeelingsandsentiments,silentlyrecitethephrases:

Mayyoubehappy...

Mayyoubefreefromsuffering...

Mayyoufindpeaceandjoy.

Repeatingthemsilently,staywiththesentimentsechoedinthesephrases.Nowthinkofsomeoneyouneitherlikenordislike,someoneyoumightseeoftenbut

havenoparticularcontactwith—someoneatwork,thegym,orthegrocerystore.Reflecthow,justlikeyou,heisimportantinsomeone’slife.Justlikeyou,heseeksloveandhappiness.Justlikeyou,hehasdreams,aspirations,hopes,andfears.Thenreflect:“Justlikeme,heaspirestohappinessandwishestoovercomesuffering.”

Nowimaginethispersonfacedwithsuffering,embroiledinaconflictwithalovedone,strugglingwithanaddiction,orsufferingdeepsadnessordepression.Allowyourhearttofeeltendernessandconcernforthisperson...ifpossible,allowyourhearttoevenfeeltheurgetodosomethingaboutit.Withthesesentiments,silentlyrepeat:

Mayyoubefreefromthissuffering...

Mayyouexperiencepeaceandjoy...

Mayyoubefreefromthissuffering...

Mayyouexperiencepeaceandjoy.

Nowcontemplatethisthought:“Infact,everyoneonthisplanet,notjustmyselfandthoseIcareabout,sharesthesamefundamentalaspirationtohappinessandthesamewishtoovercomesuffering.Justlikeme,everyonewishestoachievehappiness.Justlikeme,everyonewishestobefreeofpain,fear,andsorrow.Justlikeme,everyoneseekstofulfilltheirbasicaspirationtohappinessandfreedomfromsuffering.”Staywiththisthoughtforalittlewhile.

Now,fillingyourheartwiththewishthatallbeingsbefreeofsuffering,silentlyrepeatthesephrases:

Mayallbeingsbefreefromsuffering...

Mayallbeingsbefreefrompainandsorrow...

Mayallbeingsbefreefromfearandanxiety...

Mayallbeingsexperiencepeaceandjoy.

Youcouldevenincludesomeoneyouconsiderdifficultinyourcompassion.Thinkofhowallthesebeings,eachandeveryoneofthem,continuetobeafflictedbypain,sorrow,andfear,eventhoughwhattheyaspiretoispeaceandhappiness.Letyourheartfeel:HowIwishthattheywereallfreefromfearandsorrow.

Infusingyourmindwiththisfeelingofcompassion,allowittofillyourheart.Beinthisstateforalittlewhile,listeningtothebeautifulinnersilence.

Thiscontemplationcanbeadailymeditationpractice.Youcanrecordthetextinyourownvoiceorhaveaprerecordedversioninsomeone’svoicethatyoufindsoothing,andfollowthepracticebyplayingitbacktoyourself.Werecommenddoingthisearlyinthemorningoratatimeandplacethatyouknowwillbecomparativelyquietandconducivetoarelaxedstateofmind.Dependingonhowyourecordthescript,thisdailycompassionmeditationcanbeasshortastentofifteenminutesoraslongasthirtytoforty-fiveminutes.

PrimingOurHeartforaMoreActiveCompassion

Onefinalpracticeofourcompassiontrainingcourseiswhatwecallactivecompassionmeditation.Thisisanadaptationofthewell-knownTibetanpracticecalledtonglen,literally“givingandreceiving,”whichinvolvesmentallytakingawayfromotherstheirsuffering,misfortunes,anddestructivementalstateswhileofferingthemourownhappiness,goodfortune,andpositivementalqualities.WecallthisactivecompassionmeditationinCCTbecauseinthispracticeweareprimingourselvestoactuallyactoutourcompassionateconcernforothers.IntraditionalTibetanpractice,tonglenisoftensynchronizedwithbreathing.Aswebreathein,weimaginetakingfromotherstheirpainandsuffering,includingthecauses,oftenvisualizedasstreamsofdarkcloudsorsmokeenteringourbody,wheretheydissolveintoalight.Andaswebreatheout,weimaginesendingouthappinessandgoodfortune.

Tonglenisapracticewecanapplybothtoourownsituationaswellastothatofothers.Whenwefallillorsuffermisfortune,suchasafinancialsetback,wecanapplytonglenmeditation.Withphrasessuchas“Maythissufferingofmineservetospareothersfromasimilarpredicament,”weimaginewe’retakinguponourselvesthesameillnessormisfortuneafflictingmanyothersrightatthis

verymoment.Theideaistousetheopportunitypresentedbytheuniversalityofsufferingtoconnectwithothers.TheTibetanflutistNawangKhechogoncesufferedaterriblecaraccidentonhiswaytovisithisfatherinOrissaTibetanSettlementineasternIndia.ItwasontheeveoftheTibetanNewYearandNawangwastravelingwithhissonandniece.Thecartheywereinwashitbyatruck,killingthedriverandseriouslyinjuringhisniece,wholaterdiedinthehospital.Thoughhissonsufferedminorinjuries,Nawanghimselfwasseriouslyhurtandhadtospendseveralmonthsinthehospital,undergoingmultipleextensivesurgeries.Hesharedwithmethatitwashistonglenpracticethatsustainedhimintheinitialweeksofseriouspainandfearofnotknowingifhewouldlive.Hewouldspendhours,ashelayinbed,thinkingofcountlessotherswhoaresufferingphysicalinjury,emotionaltrauma,andfear.Hewouldbreatheintheirsuffering,andbreatheouthiscompassionandconcernfortheirwell-being.(Nawangrecoveredcompletelyfromtheaccidentandhasbeenabletoresumehiscareerasaflutist.)

Wecanalsodotonglenwhensomeoneweloveissuffering.Wecanimaginetakingawaytheperson’ssicknessormisfortuneandsendingherourloveandcompassion,wishinghertofindrelief.If,say,youaresittingnexttothebedofalovedonewhoisdying,youcansilentlyimaginetakingawayherpainandsendingwavesoflightthatsuffuseherwithyouraffectionandkindness,bringinghercourageandpeace.Doingtongleninthiswayallowsyoutobefullypresentforyourlovedone,andretainthefocusofyourthoughtsandemotionsonhowbesttobethereforher,insteadofbecomingpreoccupiedwithyourownfearaboutwhatthedeathofthispersonmightmeanforyou.Tonglenisapowerfulmethodtohelpusconnectwith—andbecourageousinthefaceof—suffering.

OneCCTtrainee,asixty-four-year-oldhospitalchaplain,toldusthisstoryabouttonglen:

ItwasanERrequestforachaplainbecauseparamedicswerebringinginatwo-year-oldchildfromadrowningaccident.IfeltmyselfcringeinwardlybecauseIknewthemagnitudeofthiskindofsituation—thehardestcallforallconcernediswhenitinvolvesachild.

IprayedforstrengthasIhurriedtowardtheER.TheRNtoldmetherewereactuallytwochildren,siblings,anddoctorswereperformingCPR,butitdidn’tlookgoodatall.Shesaidthemotherwashere....IfeltmywholebodytightenasIenteredtheroomtoseetheyoungmotherbentoverandsobbingfromthedepthsofherbeing.

Thusbeganaseriesofencountersthatpersonifiedhumansuffering:fromthehealthcareproviderswhowereunabletorevivethechildren,totheyoungparents,tothemanyfamilymembersarrivingatdifferentintervalstobetoldtheunimaginablenews.ThewholeERenvironmentwasacutelyawareofthistragedy,anditseffectsweretangible;itpermeatedtheatmospherelikeadarkcloud.

Ifeltoverwhelmed,asifIwasgoingtocollapseundertheweightofthesufferingandmytask.WhatcouldIoffer?IfeltlikeIcouldnotfindadirectionforthesufferingandwasgoingnumb.

Then,Irememberedthe“givingandreceiving”[tonglen]techniqueIlearnedinmyCCTclass.Myfirstthoughtwas“Notinthemidstofthis;thereistoomuchhappeningrightnow!”

ButIwasdesperateforawayout.So,IbreathedinthesufferingasifitwereadarkcloudandbreathedoutgoldenlightfrommyheartintotheroomandtoeveryoneIencountered.Awholenewlevelofintegrationhappened.Icouldopentotheexperienceofsufferingandfoundsomethingnecessaryandprecioustosustainme.ThesufferingbecamefluidwitheachbreathandwashedovermesothatIbegantobecomeunstuck.Ibegantofeeltheliberationofnotbeingtrappedintheexperienceofsuffering,butthefreedomthathappenedasaresultofactivelyengaginginit.ThiswasthegiftandIamdeeplygrateful.

Forsomepeople,theideaofconsciouslytakingonothers’suffering—evenintheirimagination—mightseemtobetoomuch.Theeighth-centuryBuddhistauthorShantidevaaskedthesamequestion:“Sincecompassionbringsadditionalpain,whydeliberatelyseektoengenderit?”Inresponse,hedrawsourattentiontoapsychologicaldifferencebetweentheexperienceofourownsufferingandthedistressfromcompassionforsomeoneelse’s.Unlikeourownsuffering,thepainoccasionedbyourcompassionforsomeoneelseisvoluntary.Wehaveachoice,andwechoosenottodisconnectfromtheotherperson’spain.Shantidevacomparesthistosituationslikeillness,inwhichforthesakeofpreventingamoreseriousproblem,wearewillingtoendurehardships.Wegotothedentist.Weelecttohavesurgery.Furthermore,compassionateconcernforsomeoneelse’ssituationisafundamentallyempoweredstateofmind,whichpromptsustoreachouttotheotherperson.Also—it’sworthrepeating—byfeelingsomeoneelse’spain,wegetoutofourselves.Thisinitselfisarelieffromourownpainandsorrow.

Thissaid,eventheTibetantraditionrecognizesthatdoingtonglenalloutrightfromthestartcouldprovechallenging.Sowecouldproceedinagradual

rightfromthestartcouldprovechallenging.Sowecouldproceedinagradualway.Wecouldbeginbydoingtonglenforourownfutureself,takingawaythepain,fear,andsorrowandsendingourloving-kindness,compassion,andwhateverstrengthwemightfeelrightnow.Forexample,wecouldimaginedoingthispracticewithrespecttoourselfoftomorrow,nextmonth,nextyear,nextdecade,andsoon.Oncewefeelcomfortablewiththispractice,wethenshiftourfocusanddotonglenforsomeonewecareabout.Andaswefeelcomfortablewiththis,wegraduallyexpandourfocusandincludeourlargercircleoffamilyandfriends,andsoon.

Hereisanexampleofaguidedtonglenmeditationforsomeoneelse,but,again,youcanadaptitforyourself.

Exercise:PrimingOurHeart(Tonglen)

First,settleyourmindbytakingthreetofivedeepbreaths,bringingeachoneallthewaydowntoyourbellyandthengentlyreleasingit.Thenchosesomeoneasafocusforthistonglenmeditation.Itcouldbealovedone,especiallysomeonewhoisgoingthroughadifficulttime;oryoucouldchoseagroupofpeopledisplacedfromtheirwar-tornhomeandstrugglingtogetbyinacrampedrefugeecamp,forinstance.

Nowcontemplate,“Justlikeme,theytoowishtoovercomesuffering.”Onthebasisofthisrecognition,generateasenseofconcernfortheirwell-beingandthewishthattheybefreeofpain,fear,andsorrow.

Withthiscompassionatewish,imaginethattheirpain,fear,andsorrowemergefromtheirbodiesintheformofdarkcloudsthatenteryourbody....Asyoubreathin,theydissolveintoaradiantorboflightatyourheart,wheretheyarecompletelyextinguished.Imaginethatasaresultofyourtakingawaytheirsuffering,theybecomefreefrompain,fear,andsorrow.

Whilethinkingofthem,reinforcethethought,“Justlikeme,theytooaspiretohappiness.”Onthebasisofthisrecognition,generatethewishthattheyfindpeaceandjoy.

Asyoucultivatethesecaringthoughtsforthem,andasyoubreatheout,imaginesendingwhitecloudsandlightraysfromyourheartthattouchthem,bringingthemyourcompassion,yourjoys,yourgoodfortune,andeverythingthatisgoodinyou.Imaginethattheyfindpeace,strength,andhappiness.

Repeatthisalternatingpracticeoftakinginpain,fear,andsorrowandsendingoutpeace,joy,andsafety.

Nowtrytoseeifyoucanmakethistakinginandsendingoutbigger.Say,ifyouhavejustdonetonglenforalovedonewhoisgoingthroughadifficulttime,extendittomanyotherswhomightbeinasimilarsituation.Takein...andsendout.

Youcouldevenextendtonglentoindividualswhomyouconsiderdifficult,thosewhowishyouillandhavetreatedyouunfairly.Contemplatethattheytoo,justlikeyou,donotwishtosuffer;theytoojustwishtobehappyandhavepeace.

Finally,ifyourheartfeelsbig,extendtonglentoallbeings.Imaginetakingawaythepain,fear,andsorrowofallbeings,sendingtothemyourloving-kindnessandcompassion.Remaininsilencewiththisthoughtforalittlewhile.

Tonglenisabeautifulspiritualpractice,tomymindoneofthemostprecious

Tonglenisabeautifulspiritualpractice,tomymindoneofthemostpreciousgiftstotheworldfromtheTibetantradition.Itisalsoaspiritualpracticethatcanbeembracedbyeveryone,thoseofdifferentfaithsaswellasofnofaith.It’sapracticethatwecandoanywhere,anytime,foranyone.Itdoesnotrequireanyspecialplaceorpreparation.Theonlythingyouneedisyourfullpresence—youdoneedtoshowuptodothis.Attendtothesituationathand,bewiththesufferingandbreathein,andasyoubreatheout,sendoutyourloving-kindnessandcompassion.Breathein,breatheout.That’sall.

Now,inthefinalpartofthebook,weshalldiscusshowinthewakeofcultivatingourkinderside,wecanenvisionanewwayofbeingintheworld.

PARTIII

ANewWayofBeing

H

9GreaterWell-Being

HOWCOMPASSIONMAKESUSHEALTHYANDSTRONG

If,however,weviewhumannatureaspredominantlyorientedtowardkindness...wecanconsiderethicsasanentirelynaturalandrationalmeansforpursuingourinnatepotentials.

—THEDALAILAMA

Untilheextendsthecircleofhiscompassiontoalllivingthings,manwillnothimselffindpeace.

—ALBERTSCHWEITZER(1875–1965)

owdoesourcompassionpracticerelatetotheemergingscienceofwell-being?Doestrainingincompassionhelppromotewhattoday’swell-being

researchersrecognizeascoredimensionsofourpsychologicalfunctioning?Inaseriesofpapers,AmericanpsychologistCarolRyffproposedanewway

ofconceptualizingwell-being.Previously,researchershadmainlyconcentratedondrawingdistinctionsbetweenpositiveandnegativeemotionsandevaluatingoveralllifesatisfaction.Theassumptionwaspositiveemotionspluslifesatisfactionequalshappiness,includingpsychologicalwell-being.Ryff,however,comparedthismainstreamscienceofwell-beingwithsomealternativeperspectivesanddevelopedanintegratedmodelbasedonsix“essentialfeaturesofpositivepsychologicalfunctioning”:self-acceptance,positiverelationwithothers,autonomy,environmentalmastery,purposeinlife,andpersonalgrowth.Thenshedesignedacomprehensivescaletomeasureeachofthesedimensions.Today,thenewscienceofwell-beinghasembracedRyff’smodel.

Havingself-acceptancemeanshavingapositiveattitudetowardourselves,whichisincreasinglyrecognizedasanimportantmentalhealthfactor.Thosewhoscorehighonself-acceptanceareabletoacceptmultipleaspectsoftheself,

bothgoodandbad,andonthewholefeelpositiveabouttheirpast.Positiverelationwithotherspertainstosocialconnectedness—havingwarm,trustinginterpersonalrelationsinourlife.Thosewhoscorehighonthisaspectarecapableofstrongempatheticconnectionwithothers,includingfeelingsofaffectionandintimacy,andhaveconcernforotherpeople’swelfare.Autonomyinvolvesqualitiessuchasself-determination,independence,andregulatingourbehaviorfromwithinratherthanbyexternalconstraints.Highlyautonomouspeopleresistsocialpressurestothinkandactincertainwaysandevaluatethemselvesbypersonalstandardsratherthanlooktoothersforapproval.Environmentalmasteryisakindofcompetence,theabilityto“controlacomplexarrayofactivities,makeeffectiveuseofsurroundingopportunities...[and]chooseorcreatecontextssuitabletopersonalneedsandvalues.”Highpurposeinlifemeanshavinggoals,asenseofdirectedness,andbeliefsthatgivelifemeaning.Finally,onthepersonalgrowthdimension,weseeourselvesasalwaysgrowinginpsychologicalandemotionalterms(ornot).Peoplewithahighpersonalgrowthscoreareopentonewexperiences,arecommittedtorealizingtheirpotential,andseeimprovementinthemselvesovertime.

CompassionTrainingforPsychologicalWell-Being

AswesawinChapter7,thereisnoself-acceptancewithoutself-compassion(andviceversa).Inourcompassioncultivationtraining,wetreatself-acceptance,alongwithself-kindness,asadimensionofself-compassion.Throughcompassiontrainingwelearntoacknowledge,nonjudgmentally,thewholepackageofourreality:ourvulnerabilityandweaknessesaswellasourstrengths,goodfortuneandbadfortune,andweforgiveourselvesforourmistakesandfailings.ThevastmajorityofCCTparticipantsdiscoverthatrelatingtoourselvesandourlivesinthiswayisaprofoundrelief.Itgivesusasenseofease,ofcomfortinourskin(remembermygrandmotherinChapter2)thatissuchatremendousreleasefromourcustomaryself-hating,self-punitivewaysthatit’snotuncommonforpeopletogettearyinclass.Notsurprisingly,feelingmorecomfortablewithourselvestendstoimproveourinteractionswithotherstoo.

Indeed,compassiontrainingcontributestopositiverelationswithothers,aswebecomemoreawareandappreciativeoftheimportantpeopleinourlifethroughconsciouslywishingthemhappinessandfreedomfromsufferingandmisfortune.Familymembersofveteranswhoparticipatedinanacceleratedsix-weekcourseaspartoftheirresidentialtreatmentforPTSDhavenoticedthe

effects.Spouses,inparticular,tellushowcompassiontraininghasimprovedthequalityoftheirhomelife,asthevetsreturnedwithgreatersensitivitytotheirspouses’feelingsandneedsandarenewedabilitytoconnectwiththeirlovedones.Andexpandingourcircleofconcern(Chapter8)leadstomorepositiverelationswithmoreothers.

Amiddle-ageddoctorhaddecidedtodocompassiontrainingbecausehehadlostthesparkinhiswork.AsaresultoftheCCTcourse,hesaid,hechangedthewayhegreeted,listenedto,andinteractedwithhispatients.Onedayoneofhispatients,anolderwoman,askedhimifhewas“inloveorsomething,”becausehewasacting“sodifferent,sohappy.”“Orsomething”wasthat,ashetoldhisCCTclass,hefeltamuchstrongerconnectionwithhispatientsandwashappyagainwithhiswork.(Onemightsayhewas“inloving-kindness.”)HealsotalkedtohisCCTinstructorsaboutofferingthetrainingtoothermembersofthehospitalstaff,sinceithadhadsuchapowerfuleffectonhim.

Theeffectofcompassiontrainingonautonomy,thethirddimensionofpsychologicalwell-being,mightbelessdirect.Still,makingcompassionpartofourconsciousintentionaswellasourbasicmotivationsystem(Chapter4)givesusaninternalcompasstorelyon—principlestoinformourattitudesandguideourthoughts,feelings,andbehaviorinsteadofbeingswayedbyotherpeople’swhimsandsocietalnorms.

Environmentalmasteryessentiallyrelatestooursenseofcontrol.Clearly,beingtooobsessedwithcontrolwilldetractratherthancontributetoourwell-being,insofarasmanyaspectsofourlifewillalwaysremainoutsideourpersonalcontrol,butresearchincreasinglyshowsthatsomesenseofcontroliscrucialforpsychologicalhealth.Asimpleexperimentconductedwithseniorsatanassisted-livingresidence,forexample,foundanamazingcorrelationbetweenlongevityandtheirsenseofcontrol.Researchersgaveeachoftheresidentsahouseplant.Onegrouphadresponsibilityfortheirplants’care,whiletheothergroupwastoldthatastaffpersonwouldlookaftertheirplantsforthem.Theresearchersfoundthat,aboutsixmonthslater,twiceasmanyseniorsinthelow-responsibilitygrouphaddied—30percentversus15percentinthehigh-responsibilitygroup.Wecanthinkoftheplantcareinthisexperimentasametaphorforcompassionpractice:Wetakeresponsibilityfortakingcareofourselves,others,andtheworldinwhichwelive.

AswesawinChapter1,compassionenhancesoursenseofpurposeinlife,andsomeevidencesuggeststhatasenseofpurposeiscorrelatedtophysicalhealthandlongevity.Inthefirstplace,signingupforcompassiontrainingisapurposeinitself.Then,asourpracticedeepensovertimeandoursenseofconnectionwithothersalongwithit,welearntotakejoyinbringingbenefittoothers.Weseethatourexistencematters,andthisinspiresustodowhatwecan

others.Weseethatourexistencematters,andthisinspiresustodowhatwecantomakeourexistenceasmeaningfulaspossible.

Finally,compassiontrainingisallaboutpersonalgrowth,thesixthdimensionofpsychologicalwell-being.Aconsciousefforttotransformourperspectiveonlifeandchangethewaywerelatetoourselvesandothersasfellowhumanbeings—inshort,beinginaconscious,committedprocessofgrowing—willnecessarilymakeusmoreawareofourselvesasgrowingbeingswhoseelifeintermsofgrowth.

ThereisnodoubtinmymindthatifRyff’ssixdimensionscapturetheessentialfeaturesofourpsychologicalwell-being,compassioncultivationcanbeapowerfulmethodforpromotingit,inallitsmultifacetedcomplexity.

ACompassionateMindIsaResilientMind

Perhapsthegreatestmentalhealthbenefitofcompassiontrainingisthatitmakesusmoreresilient.Researchersofresilience,fromthefieldofchilddevelopmentaswellasstudiesofwidowscopingwiththelossofaspouse,haveidentifiedtwocriticalaspects.Oneiscalledego-resiliency,definedas“thecapacitytoovercome,steerthrough,andbouncebackfromadversity,”andtheotherishardiness,ortheabilitytoviewdifficultyasachallengeratherthanathreat,tocommittoitratherthanfeelalienatedbyit,withasenseofcontrolratherthanpowerlessness.

Longitudinalstudiesdemonstratethatchildrenwhoscorehighinresiliencearefoundtobe“confident,perceptive,insightful,andareabletoformwarmandopenrelationshipswithothers.”Incontrast,“ego-brittle”children“exhibitbehavioralproblems,depressivesymptoms,andhigherlevelsofdruguseinadolescence.”Studiesalsoshowgreaterego-resiliencytobeassociatedwithquickercardiovascularrecoveryinadultsfollowingalab-inducedstressfulevent,aswellaswithlowerdepressivesymptomsamongAmericanswhowitnessedtheSeptember11terroristattackinNewYork.

TheDalaiLamaoftentellstheremarkablestoryofanordinarymonkwhoinTibetwasamemberofHisHoliness’spersonalmonastery.UnabletoescapetoIndiain1959withtheDalaiLama,Lopon-laremainedbehindinLhasa.InthewakeoftheCulturalRevolution,however,hewassenttoaChineselaborcampandprisoninTibet,whereheremainedforeighteenyears.Intheearly1980sduringaperiodofpolicyrelaxationinsideTibet,Lopon-lawasabletocometoIndia,whereherejoinedtheNamgyalMonastery.Asaseniormemberofthemonastery,occasionallyhewouldspendtimewiththeDalaiLama.Duringone

casualconversation,theDalaiLamasays,Lopon-laremarkedthathefacedgravedangersononeortwooccasionsduringhisprisonyears.Thinkingthathewasspeakingaboutsomekindofthreattohislife,theDalaiLamaaskedwhatkindofdangerhehadfaced.Tothis,themonkreplied,“ThedangeroflosingmycompassiontowardtheChinese.”Thisisresilienceparexcellence.

Lopon-laknewthatphysicallytherewasnothingmuchhecoulddotochangehissituation.Hisdailyroutinewasinothers’hands.Butheknewthathewasinchargeofhismind.Despiteallthehardshipsofprisonlife,Lopon-lacontinuedhisspiritualpractices,includinggeneratingcompassionforallbeings,includingperpetratorsofharm.Hepracticedgeneratingfeelingsofconcernforthewayignoranceandcircumstanceshadledthemtodothingsthatareultimatelydamagingeventothemselves.Fromaconventionalpointofview,Lopon-la’sconcernsaboutlosingcompassionfortheChinesemightseemsillyorevenself-destructive.Buthiscommitmenttocompassionhelpedhimretainhissanityandnotgiveintobitternessordespair.IhavemetLopon-laonnumerousoccasions.Heisatall,skinnymonkwithagentledemeanor.Exceptforaslighthunch,aconsequencepossiblyofhavingtocarrysomanysacksofearthonhisback,heseemstohavecomeoutofhisexperienceunscathed.

Inmyownlife,IfindthefollowingratherstoiclinesfromShantidevahelpful:

Ifsomethingcanbedoneaboutit,whatneedistherefordejection?Andifnothingcanbedoneaboutit,whatuseisthereforbeingdejected?

IcallthisShantideva’s“Noneed,nouseprinciple.”Iamawarethatmanyoftheproblemswefaceinourlifearefartoocomplextobeslottedneatlyintotwotrayslabeled“solvable”and“unsolvable.”Often,thesolutionstoourproblemsrequirethecooperationandgoodwillofotherpeople.Eventhen,thereisalotwecandoourselvestoinvitethehelpweneed.Inanycase,ItrytodothebestIcanandthenmoveon.It’stheconstantworrying,andcarryingtheproblemonourback—actually,inourhead—thatmakesthingsstressful.Thisiswhatweighsusdown.Whenit’sobviousthereisnothingwecandoaboutthesituation,weneedtohavethewisdomtoacceptthisandletgo.Thissamewisdomisechoedinthewell-knownserenityprayerfromtheChristiantradition:

God,givemethegracetoacceptwithserenity

thethingsthatcannotbechanged,couragetochangethethingswhichshouldbechanged,

andthewisdomtodistinguishtheonefromtheother.

IampartialtothewordsofShantideva,forinmyearlymonasticyearsIhadtheopportunitytomemorizehisfamedTheWayoftheBodhisattva.Thisspiritualclassicinverseistheauthor’svisionoftheentirecareerofapersonlivingaccordingtothedictatesofaltruism,alifededicatedtothewelfareofallbeings.PartofmyfondnesscomesfromhowIcametomemorizethetext.Itwasin1973inSouthIndia,wherethesmallmonasteryIwasamemberofhadmoved,toaTibetanagriculturalsettlementneartheIndiantownofHunsur.Aspartofanexperimentforcooperativefarming,oneyearwhitesorghumwasplantedinthefields.Whenthecropsbegantomaturetowardtheendofsummer,thefieldshadtobeprotectedagainstbirds,andthemonasterysentus,theyoungmonks,todothis.Itwasthus,roamingthefieldsofsorghum,everynowandthenmakingnoisestochaseawayswarmsofbirds,thatImemorizedShantideva’stext.Tothisday,Itakespiritualsolacefromthisbookandstillrecitewithjoyimportantversesbyheart.

Oneofthewayswegrowinresiliencethroughcompassiontrainingisthatitteachesustoseeourselvesinthecontextofourrelationshipwithothersratherthaninisolation.Whenwedefineaself-conceptprimarilyintermsofself-interest,webecometrappedwithinthenarrowvisionofourownpersonalconcerns,plaguedbycyclesofhopeandfear.Excessiveself-preoccupationmakesourmindbrittle,hypersensitivetotheslightestthingthatmightbeperceivedasathreat.Tibetanmind-trainingteacherssuggestthatit’slikecarryingaroundalargetargetthatcaneasilygethit.Themoreexcessiveourself-preoccupation,thegreaterourvulnerabilitytofeelingsofslightandhurt.

Incontrast,acompassionatemind-setisnecessarilylessself-preoccupied,moreatease,lessinhibited.It’snoexaggerationtosaythatthroughconnectionwithothers,webecomefree.Whentheegoisresilient,there’snoneedtoputupwallsandputonfacadestoprotectit.Wecanstophidingandjustbe.True,sometimesverykindpeopledogethurtanddon’trecovereasily.Theymaybemoresensitivetoothers’suffering,andperhapstoofocusedonotherpeople’swell-being.Here,it’shelpfultorecallthedistinctionwedrewearlierbetweenempathyandcompassion.Empathyiscriticaltoelicitourcompassion,butifwegetstuckintheempathyzone(ofemotionalresonance)itcanbedrainingand

leadtofeelingsofpowerlessnessandburnout.Compassion,bycontrast,isamoreempoweredstateinwhichweputourenergyintowishingthatothersbefreeofsuffering,andwantingtodosomethingaboutit.Whatweneed,atleastformostofusordinarysouls,isahealthybalancebetweenfocusingonourselvesandfocusingonothers.Thisway,wedonotfallintoeitherofthetwoextremesofexcessiveself-preoccupationorobsessivecaregiving.Incompassiontrainingwepracticeexactlythiskindofbalance.

CompassionTrainingandEmotionRegulation

ArandomizedcontrolledstudyontheeffectsofCCTfoundarobustimpactonemotionregulation.Emotionregulationisagrowingareaofscientificresearch,inwhichfindingshaveunderscoredhowimportantitistoourmentalandphysicalhealth,socialfunctioning,relationships,andworkperformance.Problemswithemotionregulationhavebeenassociatedwithunhappiness,excessiveworry,andincreasedstress.

Actually,emotionregulationissomethingwedonaturally;positiveandnegativeemotionshavebeenarisingallourlives,andwehavehadtofigureoutwaystodealwiththem.Apioneerinthefield,StanfordpsychologistJamesGrossdefinesemotionregulationasa“processesbywhichindividualsinfluencewhichemotionstheyhave,whentheyhavethem,andhowtheyexperienceorexpresstheseemotions.”Typicalstrategiesincludesuppressingexpressionofouremotions—forexample,keepinganemotionalpokerfaceandnotshowingwhenwefeelhurt;reappraisinganemotionalsituationtogiveitamorepositivemeaning;distractingourselveswithpositiveorneutralactivities,asintheproverbial“coldshower”;anddetachment,aformofemotionalsuppressionthatdistancesusfromourfeelings.(Deliberatelysuppressingouremotionsisaformofdenialresponse.Itisverydifferentfromthedistanceordisengagementwithacceptanceofmeta-awarenessinmindfulness.)Ofthese,suppressingexpressionofouremotionshasbeen“associatedwithincreasedstressrelatedsymptoms,negativeemotion,depression,andanxiety,aswellasdecreasedpositiveaffectandlifesatisfaction.”Ofcourse,notallexpressionsofemotionarehealthyorhelpful.RecalltheveteraninChapter8whohadexpressedhisangerbyverballyandevenphysicallyattackingpeople.Regulation,ratherthansuppressionoruncheckedexpression,isthekey.

Toassesscompassiontraining’seffectonemotionregulation,researchersintheStanfordstudyusedthestandardEmotionRegulationQuestionnaire,designedtoassesspeople’shabitualuseoftwodominantemotionregulation

strategies,cognitivereappraisalandexpressivesuppression.Researchersfoundthatadecreaseinemotionalsuppressionwassignificantlycorrelatedwiththeamountofcompassionpracticethatparticipantsundertookaspartoftheirdailyhomework.Thiscomesasnosurprise,sinceCCTencouragesconsciouslybeingwithoursuffering,openexpressionsofconcern,andcultivatingwarm-heartedness—theoppositeofemotionalsuppression.

Emotionregulationcertainlyhasaninteractiveside,andnotonlyintheendresultsofhowourexpressionorwithholdingaffectsothers.Socialcreaturesthatweare,wenaturallyturntootherstohelpusregulateouremotions.Indistressweinstinctivelyseekcomfortfromothers,especiallyfromourlovedones.Thereisnothinglikethehugofalovedonetocalmusdown,acaringeartotaketheedgeoffofourfrustrations,asmiletoreassureuswhenwefeelanxious.Bydeepeningconnectionwithothers,especiallylovedones,andbyre-formingsecureattachments,especiallythroughself-compassionpractice,compassiontraininghasthepotentialtochangehowwehabituallyregulateouremotions.

Imustadmitthathuggingisoneareainwhich,asaformerTibetanmonkmarriedtoaFrenchCanadian,Ihadtogothroughbasictraining.TraditionallyinTibet,parentsarephysicallyverycloseandaffectionatewiththeiryoungchildren.Childrensleepwiththeirparentsatnightandoftengetcarriedontheirmother’sbackduringtheday,snuginsideashawlwrappedsecurelyaroundmotherandchild.However,afteracertainage—usuallyinourearlyteens—itisn’tthecustomtobehuggedonaregularbasis.Peoplehugeachotheronlyinspecialcircumstances—whensomeoneisdistraught,orisleavingforatrip,orreturnsafteralongseparation,forexample.Then,foramonk,asIwasduringmostofmyearlylife,physicalcontactwasparticularlylimited,soIdevelopedaninstinctivereticencewhenitcametoembracingsomeoneelse.ThiswasperfectlyfinewhenIwassingleandlivinginCambridge,England.TheEnglishonthewhole,Inotice,arealsoquiteawkwardwhenitcomestohugging.However,whenmyfuturewife,Sophie,cameintomylife,thingshadtochangeinthatdepartment.SheonceboughtabookcalledTheLittleBookofHugsandleftitinourbathroom.Itturnedouttobequitehelpful.

AnchoringOurPersonalEthics

Whenwemakecompassionpartofourbasicmotivationsystem(Chapter4)weforgeasolidanchortogroundourvaluesandourpersonalethics.Onethingmostscientistsofhumanbehavioragreeon:Whetherwelikeitornot,ashumanbeingsweareinescapablymoralcreatures.Asrationalandemotionalbeingsit’s

nowonderwearealsomoralcreatures,constantlyevaluatingtheworldaroundusandadjustingourresponsesaccordingtoourvalues,attitudes,andgoals.HowwemaketheseevaluationsandtheconsiderationswebringtobearonthemiswhatImeanbyethicshere.

Associalanimalsourwell-beingisintertwinedwiththatofothers.Wedon’tgetveryfarinourfundamentaldrivetoseekhappinessandalleviatesufferingwithoutotherpeople.Ourethicsguideustomaintainabalancebetweenourverynaturalpursuitofwell-beingforourselvesandourresponsibilityforthewell-beingofothers,ourfellowcreatureswhosharethesamebasicaspirationandhaveanequalrighttopursueitsfulfillment.Ethicsiswhathelpsusnegotiatethissharedmoraluniverse.It’snosurprise,therefore,thatsomeformoftheGoldenRule(Dountoothersasyouwouldhavethemdountoyou)liesattheheartofallmajorsystemsofethics,whetherreligiousorsecularhumanistic.InBuddhistthought,forexample,anethicalactisdefinedasonethatinvolvesrefrainingfromactualharmtowardothersorfromsourcesofsuchharm.Andthegravityofunethicalbehaviorisdeterminedinaccordancewiththedegreeofharmcaused,withtakinglifeasthemostsevere.Inversely,proactivelydoinggoodhasgreaterethicalvaluethansimplyavoidingharm,withaltruisticdeedsvaluedhighest.InBuddhistthoughtonethusspeaksoftheethicofrestraint,theethicofvirtue,andtheethicofaltruism.

Currentscientificresearchontheevolutionofmoralitysuggeststhatwemightsharecoremoralsentimentsacrosscultures,languages,andethnicities.Somearguethatthissharingextendseventoournonhumanprimatecousins.Darwinhimselfseemstohaveheldaversionofthisview.Someproponentsofnaturalhumanmoralitysuggestthatashumanbeings,wepossessakindofinnate“moralgrammar,”akintothetheoryofuniversalgrammarproposedbythewell-knownlinguistNoamChomsky.Justasthis“innategrammar”—ourinbornabilitytolearngrammar,whichishardwiredintoourbrain—getsexpressedinspecificwayswithexposuretospecificlinguisticcommunities,ournatural“moralgrammar”manifestsaccordingtothesocialandculturalcommunitieswe’reraisedin.So,eachoneofusacquiresasetofvalues,perspectives,andattitudesviathesocietyinwhichwegrewup.Theseareourpersonalethics.

Inthepast,manysocietiesweremorehomogeneousthantheyaretoday—especiallywithrespecttoethnicity,religion,andlanguage—andmorepeoplesharedvalueswithinagivensocietyasaresult.Withsecularizationandexposuretoapluralityofvaluesystems—twoimportantconsequencesofmodernity,infact—thereislittlethatunderpinscommonvalueswithinagivensocietybeyondadherencetothelawsoftheland.Whenitcomestomorality,wearelefttoourowndevicestomakesenseofhowwerelatetoothersandthe

arelefttoourowndevicestomakesenseofhowwerelatetoothersandtheworldaroundus.Thequestionforoursecularandpluralistictimeisthis:Wheredoweanchorourethics?

Inmyowncase,mywifeandIagreedthatwewouldraiseourchildrenwithinthevaluesystemweshareasBuddhists.Ourstandpointonthiswasquitesimple.Childrenabsorballsortsofattitudesandvaluesanyway,throughahostofinfluences—parents,schools,peers,andthelargersociety,especiallyviamedia—eachexertingitsimpactontheirmoralcharacter.Giventhiscomplexcontemporaryreality,it’simportantforparentstoteachtheirchildrenwell,toimpartourmostcherishedspiritualandethicalvalues.Thisisespeciallycriticalduringtheearlyperiod,whenweasparentsaretheprimaryframeofreferenceforourchildren.

Compassioncanbeboththefoundationandtheorganizingprincipleofourmoralhouse,bringingclaritytoourethicalvision.Itwillhelpussetprioritiesanddecidebetweencompetingvalues,andprovideuswithasimplecriteriontodeterminethebottomlinewhenweareconfrontedwithanethicalchallenge.Withcompassionasourfundamentalvalue,wewillbemotivatedbyconcernforothers’welfare,ouractionsguidedbytheintentiontohelpothers,andthesightofothers’happinesswillbringusjoy.

Compassionispartoftheinnatedispositionweshareashumans.Ifweembraceitandnurtureit,compassioncanofferauniversalbasisfortheethicsthatdefineus,together,asmoralbeings.

TheDalaiLama,forexample,hasdedicatedalargepartofhiseffortstopromotingexactlythismessage,thatcompassioncanbethefoundationfor“universalsecularethics.”HisHolinessmakesapowerfulcaseforsuchaperspectiveonethics,especiallyinhisbookEthicsfortheNewMillenniumanditssequel,BeyondReligion.AcentralpremiseoftheDalaiLama’sargumentisthatalthoughbasichumanvaluessuchascompassion,love,kindness,forgiveness,andasenseofresponsibilitymaybepromotedbyreligion,inthemselvestheyareindependentofreligiousfaith.Theyareuniversalvaluesfundamentallygroundedinourhumancondition:ourneedforconnectionwithothers,ouraspirationtohappiness,andourinstinctivedesiretoavoidsuffering.Inbrief,thesevaluesareexpressionsofourbasicempatheticnature.Hencecompassion,definedinitsessenceasasenseofconcernforothers’well-being,holdsthepromiseofgroundingoursharedethics,withoutrecoursetoanyparticularreligiousormetaphysicalcreed.Thecultivationofcompassion,therefore,canalsohavehugesocietalandglobalimplications.Imaginewhatourworldwouldbelikeifeachoneofusmadecompassiontheorganizingprincipleofourlife.

C

10MoreCourage,LessStress,GreaterFreedom

MAKINGCOMPASSIONOURBASICSTANCE

Moralexcellencecomesaboutasaresultofhabit....Webecomejustbydoingjustacts,temperatebydoingtemperateacts,bravebydoingbraveacts.

—ARISTOTLE(NICOMACHEANETHICS,BOOKII)

Keepyouractionspositive,becauseyouractionsbecomeyourhabits.Keepyourhabitspositive,becauseyourhabitsbecomeyourvalues.Keepyourvaluespositive,becauseyourvaluesbecomeyourdestiny.

—GANDHI(1869–1948)

anwemakeahabitofcompassionandaltruismbysetting(andresetting,andresetting)ourintentiontodoso,andpracticing(andpracticing,and

practicing)?Cantrainingourheartandmindturncompassionintoasubconscious,automaticprocessofso-calledfastthinking,sothatweinstinctivelyrespondtolifethisway?Cancompassionbecomemorethanfleetingfeelings—awayofseeingandbeingintheworld?

InhisinfluentialbookThinking,FastandSlow,NobelPrize–winningeconomistandpsychologistDanielKahnemanmadefamoustwodifferentthought-formingsystemsinourbrain.Whathecallsthefastsystemisassociatedprimarilywithouremotionsandtendstobeautomatic,operatingbelowthesurfaceofourconsciousness.Theslowsysteminvolveseffortful,conscious,rationalfunctioning.Wetendtorelyonthefastsystemmoreinourdecisionmakingineverydaylife.Fromtheevolutionarypointofview,thismakesperfectsense.Themoreautomaticsystemenablesustoprocessinformationfaster,facilitatingourmostefficientresponsetotheneedsofagivensituation.Thissystemgetsitsspeedfromassociatingnewinformationwithexistingpatternsofthought,feeling,andbehaviorratherthancreatingnewresponsesforeverynew

situation.Inotherwords,itreusesbehaviorpatternsthatwe’veinternalizedsincetheyhaveproventobeusefulinthepast.Withthefastsystem,wedon’thavetoreinventthewheel.Applyingthistheory,Kahnemanrevolutionizedourunderstandingofhowwemakejudgmentsanddecisions,andintheprocessofferedacompellingaccountofourbiasesaswell.

ComingontheheelsofKahneman’sbook,journalistCharlesDuhigg’sThePowerofHabitbroughttopopularawarenessimportantfindingsinscienceonhowhabitsformandhowtheymotivatehumanbehavior.DuhiggofferedanaccountofhowKahneman’sso-calledfastthinkingworks.Scientistscalltheprocessbywhichour“brainconvertsasequenceofactionsintoanautomaticroutine”chunking.Theybelievethatchunkingistherootofhabits.Theneurobiologicalphenomenonofchunkinghasacrucialevolutionaryfunction,asourbrainisconstantlylookingforwaystosaveeffort.Whenahabitemerges,thebrainstopsworkinghardonthatparticulartaskandconservesitsfiniteenergytofocusonothermatters.Duhiggsumsupthekeymessageofhisbook:“Atonepoint,weallconsciouslydecidedhowmuchtoeatandwhattofocusonwhenwegototheoffice,howoftentohaveadrinkorwhentogoforajog.Thenwestoppedmakingachoice,andthebehaviorbecameautomatic.It’sanaturalconsequenceofourneurobiology.Andbyunderstandinghowithappens,youcanrebuildthosepatternsinwhicheverwayyouchoose.”

Inlightofwhatweknowtodayfrompsychologyandneuroscience,theanswertothequestionsatthestartofthischapterhastobeyes.Buddhisttradition,forone,hasconsistentlyadvocatedthetransformationalvalueofpracticesaimedatcultivatingourcompassion.Ifwehavelearnedanythingfromcontemporaryneuroscience,it’sthatourbrainishighlyamenabletochangeinresponsetonewexperience.Notonlydonewsynapticconnectionsform,newneuronsarecreatedthroughourinteractionswithourenvironment.Thebirthofnewneuronsiscalledneurogenesis,andourbrain’sabilitytochangethroughoutourlivesismoregenerallyknownasneuroplasticity.Newfindingsevensuggestepigeneticeffectsinthebrain—meaninggeneticchangesresultingfromenvironmentalinfluence—asaresultofexperience,whichendureoveralifetimeand,insomecases,canevenbepassedontoouroffspring.

CompassioninEverydayLife

Whenwemakeahabitofcompassioninoureverydaylivesthroughregularpracticeandaction,welivewithmorecourage,lessstress,andgreaterfreedom.Intime,wewillautomaticallyseeourselvesandtheworldintermsof

interconnectedness.Ourdefaultpositiontowardotherpeoplewillbeasfellowhumansratherthansourcesofantagonismandthreat.Ournew,other-orientedhabitswillfreeusfromtheoldhabitsofself-judgment,self-protection,andworryingaboutourselves.Ourrelationships,fromchanceinteractionswithstrangerstoourintimateconnectionswithourclosestfamilyandfriends,willbepermeatedwithasenseofopennessandkindnessrootedintheunderstandingofourfundamentalhumancondition—oursharedneeds,vulnerability,andbasicaspirationforhappiness.Wewillhabituallyrespondtoallpeople’ssufferingandneedswithcompassion,unprejudicedbywhotheyareinrelationtous.Evenwhenitcomestoadifficultpersonwhocausesusproblems,wewillnotlosesightofthebasicfact:Justlikeme,hetooisafellowhumanwhoaspirestohappinessanddoesnotwishtosuffer.Thesethoughtswillhaveenteredourfastsystem.Ouractionstoowillreflectourdeep,evencellularknowledgeoftheimpactwehaveonothers.Ourhabitofkindnesswillbereinforcedoverandoverbythejoywetakeinbeingkindtoothersandseeingthemhappy.Beinghelpfulwillbeournewnormal.Wewillcometoembodycompassion,notjustadmireitasanideal.Wewilllearntoliveitthroughourthoughts,feelings,andbehavior.Inshort,makingahabitofcompassionwilltransformourlives.

Beingcompassionatedoesnotmakeustimidortolerantofinjustice.Onasocietallevel,infact,atrulycompassionateresponsetoinjusticestemsfromasenseofstrongmoraloutrage—aformofanger,butaconstructiveone.ItwasmoraloutragethatspurredMahatmaGandhitoleadtheIndianpeopletofreedomfromBritishColonialrule,droveAbrahamLincolninhiscampaignagainstslavery,ledRosaParkstocourageouslydefybussegregationonecoldDecembermorninginMontgomery,Alabama,andmovedNelsonMandelatoleadalifelongcampaignagainsttheapartheidsystem.Thankstotheirstrongsenseofmoraloutrageandcourage,todayourworldisabetterplace.WhatsustainstheamazingcourageoftheyoungPakistaniactivistMalalaYousafzaiishermoraloutrageattheinjusticeoftheTaliban’sbanoneducationofgirls.Attherootoftheirmoraloutrage:adeepconcernforthewelfareofothers,especiallytheweakandthedowntrodden.

ATheoryofPersonalTransformation

ClassicalBuddhistpsychologyrecognizestheimportantroleofhabitformationinpersonaltransformationandchange,andtraditionalBuddhistcompassionpracticesreflectthisunderstanding.TheoriginalSanskritwordformeditation,bhavana,connotes“cultivation,”whileitsTibetanequivalent,gom,carriesthe

notionofdeveloping“familiarity.”Throughrepetitionovertime,wecometointernalizeandembodyacertainwayofseeing,feeling,andbeingintheworld.Eventasksthatinitiallyrequiredeliberateconsciouseffortcaneventuallybecomeeffortless,spontaneous,andfamiliar.This,inessence,iswhathappenswhenwegainexpertiseoversomething.

Weknowfrompersonalexperiencehow,throughpractice,whatseemedeffortfulinitiallycanbecomeeffortless.Whenwefirstlearntorideabike,it’smightyhardtobalance,pedal,andstayontheroadontwonarrowmovingwheels!Ihadevengreaterdifficultylearninghowtodrive.BythenIwasalreadyinmyearlythirties.AsIwaslivinginavillageoutsideCambridge(friendshadgenerouslylentmeacottagefreeofrentontheirproperty),Idesperatelyneededtodrivetogetaround.AsamonkinIndia,Ihadneverlearnedtorideordriveanythingmorechallengingthanabicycle,sothesensationofbeinginchargeofsomethingpoweredbyamotorwascompletelyalienandquiteterrifying.Ilearnedtodriveamanualtransmissionwiththedrivinginstructordrumminghismantra,“MSM—mirror,signalandmaneuver,”intomeatliterallyeveryturn.Theconsciousattentionneededforeverydetail—checkingthemirrors,notforgettingtoindicate,shiftinggearsbydepressingtheclutchattherighttime—requiredconstanteffort.Iknewthatatsomepointdrivingwouldbecomeeasy,butatthetimeitwasimpossibletoimaginehowthiscouldhappen.Ifailedmyfirstdrivingtest,whichshookmealittlebecauseIreallywantedtobeabletodrive.Today,itishardformetoimaginedrivingbeingsohard!

Moderncognitivepsychologydistinguishesbetweendeclarativeandproceduralknowledge.Thefirstrelatestoknowledgeabout,whilethesecondhastodowiththeknowledgeofhow,acquiredprimarilythroughactualperformanceofthetaskinvolved.Broadly,onecouldsaythatdeclarativeknowledgeiscognitiveandhastodowithfacts,whileproceduralknowledgeisembodiedknowledge.Knowinghowtodriveisproceduralknowledge,whiletheknowledgethataturboenginegivesgreateraccelerationisdeclarative.Incompassiontraining,weaimnotmerelytoknowaboutcompassion,butmoreimportant,forcompassionandaltruismtobecomeembodiedknowledgeandpartofourcharacter.

Buddhistpsychologyhasatheoryabouthowthishappensbasedonthreelevelsofunderstanding:Firstisunderstandingderivedthroughhearing,atwhichstageourunderstandingremainsprimarilyverbal,tiedtowordsandladenwithassumptions.Ourknowledgeatthisstageisnothingbutaninformedassumption.However,aswecontinuetocontemplatethatknowledge,wereachthesecondlevel,calledunderstandingderivedthroughcriticalreflection.Atthis

stage,ourknowledgebecomesintellectuallyrigorous,wellprocessed,integratedintoourlargerbodyofknowledge,andsupportedbyconviction.Finally,wereachthelevelofunderstandingderivedthroughmeditativeexperience,whichresultsfromalongprocessofinternalizingourunderstandingtothepointthatitbecomespartofourbasicmentallandscape.It’satthisfinalstagethatourknowledgebecomeseffortless,integrated,andexperiential.Whatwaspreviouslyadeliberatecognitiveunderstandinghastransformedintoanembodiedspontaneousknowledge.

Wemightstudy,say,theinterdependentnatureofthings,akeyconceptinBuddhism.Thisistheideathateverythingcomesintobeingasaconsequenceofmultiplecausesandconditions,andhoweveryactionoreventhaseffectsacrosstimeaswellasspace.Initially,ourunderstandingwillcomefromreadingsandteachings.Itwillnecessarilybesomewhatsuperficial.However,withreflectiononthisideaofinterdependence,analyzingitandrelatingtheconcepttoourownexperience,eventuallyadeepersenseofconvictionarisesinus.Weapplyournewawarenesstooureverydaylifesothatwebecomelessfixedandlesscategoricalinourjudgment.Welearntorelatetosituations,especiallyadverseones,withagreaterdegreeoftoleranceandcomposure,andwenoticetheeffects.Now,inordertoradicallyimpactourpsycheandbehavior,wemustintegratetheknowledgeintotheveryfabricofourmind-set.Thisthirdlevelofunderstandingisthoughttoariseonlybyinternalizingourinsightthroughaprolonged,repetitiveprocessofdisciplinedinnerreflection;inotherwords,meditation.

Wecanapplythissamemodeltocompassion.AnearlyBuddhisttextcomparestheearlystagesoflearningglobalcompassiontotastingthebarkofsugarcane,whiletheadvanced,experientialcompassionislikeeatingtherealthing,thesugarofthesugarcane.Inthefirststage,ourcompassionforallbeingsremainseffortful,imagined,andimitated.Withcontemplationandpracticeourcompassionbecomeseffortless,spontaneouslyarisinginresponsetotheneedsofotherswithoutanydeliberatethoughtonourpart.

Seeing,Feeling,andActing

Aswehaveseen,therelationshipbetweenperception,experience,andactioniscomplex,cyclical,andbidirectional.Thatistosay,ouremotionsinformourthoughtsaswellasourbehavior,whileourbehaviorreshapesouremotionallifeandinformsourperceptionsandattitudesatthesametime.Thesedynamicsareparticularlyevidentinthepsychologyofdesire,craving,andcompulsive

behavior.InBuddhistthought,thefirstlinkinthechainisdescribedascontact—namely,comingintocontactwiththething,whichgivesrisetoanexperiencethatmanifestsaseitherpleasurableornotpleasurable.Thisaffectiveoremotionalresponsethencomestodefineourmemoryofthething,sothatthenexttimewecomeintocontactwithit,evenbeforeexperiencingit,westarttofantasizeaboutit,makingthethingseemfarmoreimportantandattractivetousthanwaspreviouslythecase.Thiskindofengagementwiththeobjectleadstocraving,wantingtopossesswhatwedonothave,believingthatsomehowhavingitwillleadtorelieforhappiness.Uncheckedcravingtakesonalifeofitsown,aswereachautomaticallyandrepetitivelyfortheobjectofourdesire,leadingtofurthercraving.

Forbetterorworse,manyofourperspectivesontheworld—ourperceptions,thoughts,attitudes,andvalues—areshapedbyourenvironment,especiallyourfamilyandtheculturewegrewupwith.Cognitivesciencetellsushowevenourbasicperceptualapparatus,whichwetaketobesofundamentalandneutral,isinfluencedbyourupbringing.Humanhistoryisrepletewithexamplesofhowsocietalattitudesbiaspeople’sperceptions,whicharefelttobeuniversalandtrue.Forexample,manypeopleinthepremodernWest,includingdevoutChristians,sawslaveryascompletelyunproblematic.

Sosocietalprejudicescreateblindspotsthatweneedtobeoutsidetheboxtorecognize.InIndia,someorthodoxHindusstillviewtheDalits,theso-calleduntouchables,asintrinsicallyinferiorandavoidanydirectcontactwiththem.ManyfundamentalistIslamistsviewnonbelievers,orkafirs,tobeintrinsicallyuncleanandnotworthyofrespectandconcern.InTibetanculture,IwassurprisedtolearnoftheprejudiceincertainregionsofcentralTibetagainstthosefromhereditaryfamiliesofbutchersandsmiths.Isawfirsthandhowthisprejudicemanifestsinpractice.ThesmallmonasteryIwasamemberofwhenIwasinmyteenswaspartofaTibetancolonyinsouthernIndia,aboutthirtymileswestofthecityofMysore.Duringaharvestparty,atentwaspitchedatthecrossroadsatthecenterofthecamp.Insideonatableweretwopots,onelargeandonesmall,filledwithfermentedmilletsoakedwithwater.Thisisthehomemadebeercalledchang,sippedthroughstrawsinsertedintothefermentedmillet.Thesmallerpot,Ifoundout,wasforthosefewwhowerefromthe“inferior”classofsmiths’andbutchers’parentage.

Thegoodnewsis,nomatterhowdeeplyrootedsuchacquiredbiasesmaybe,wecanchangethem.TheDalaiLamaoftenquoteshislatefriendCarlvonWeizsäcker,awell-knownGermanquantumphysicistwhosaidthatwhenhewasgrowingup,theFrenchweretheenemyineveryGerman’seyeandviceversa.Bytheendofthetwentiethcenturythishadcompletelychanged,with

GermanyandFrancebecomingthetwoclosestalliesintheEuropeanUnion.Contemporarysciencealsotellsusthatwecanreplaceanoldworldviewwithnewwaysofseeingtheworld,andoldhabitswithnew.This,inessence,iswhateducationisabout.Thisisalsowhatcompassiontrainingisallabout:learningtosee,feel,andbeinanewwaythatismoreintouchwithourbetterself.Animportantpartofthistransformationalprocessisactuallyakindofunlearningofhabitualpatternsthatarenotconstructivetoourownorothers’well-being.Someofthesepatternsmighthaverootsinearlychildhood,makingthemlessflexible.Butevenhere,Ibelievethatsustainedcompassionpracticescaneffectrealchange.IbelieveitbecauseIhaveseenit.

AseniorinstructorofCCTwhohastaughtthecompassiontrainingcoursenumeroustimessharedwithmethefollowingmovingstoryofpersonaltransformation.Atsixty-nine,Susanhadbeendepressedmostofheradultlife.HermotherwasclinicallydepressedwhenSusanwasborn,soSusanhadrarelybeenheldasababy.Asachild,Susan’sentirelifehadbeenshapedaroundhermother’sdepression.Overtimeshelearnedhowtowalloffthetraumaofheryouth.ThischangedwhenSusanparticipatedinaneight-weekcompassiontraining.Fromaboutthemidpointofthecourse,shetalkedaboutfeelinghappierthansheeverhadbefore,andabouthowherfriendssaidthatshewaslikeadifferentperson.Apparently,thatchangecontinuedasSusanfacedherownsuffering,hermother’ssuffering,andhowtheirsufferingconnectedSusantoallofhumanity.Shehadalwayslovedmusic,butdidn’tfeelshedeservedthejoyofit.Becauseofherexperienceinthecourse,notonlydidshethrowherselfbackintohermusic;sheappliedforandwonafellowshiptostudymusicoverthesummer.Shewasamazed,andthrilled,andwantedhercompassiontraininginstructortoknow.Evendeep-seatedpsychologicalrutscanbeundoneandreplacedbymoreconstructivehabits.It’sinteresting—manystoriesofpersonaltransformation,likeSusan’s,showhowaseeminglysmallshiftinoneareaopensupawholecascadeofchanges.

APerceptualShiftCanChangeHowWeActuallyFeel

So,akeyinsightemergesfrombothclassicalBuddhistpsychologyandcontemporarycognitivescience,aswesawbrieflyinChapter4aswell:Thereisanintimateconnectionbetweenourperceptionsandemotions.IntheBuddhistview,feelingpermeateseverycognitiveevent,evenaseeminglyneutralonelikesolvingacrosswordpuzzle.Contemporarycognitivesciencealsosuggeststhatbyshapingthewayweseeourselvesandtheworldarounduswereshapehow

weexperienceourselvesandtheworld.Similarly,bychangingthewaywefeelaboutourselves,aboutothers,andabouttheworld,wereshapethewayweperceiveourselves,others,andtheworldwelivein.

Sometimes,theimpactonourfeelingfromachangedperceptioncanbeinstantaneous.IexperiencedthisinapowerfulwaywhenIwasfifteen.DuringmyyearsfromageeighttoelevenattherefugeeboardingschoolinShimla,ahousemotherhadforsomereasontreatedmeunkindly.Sheandherhusbandlookedafteraboutthirtyofusinoneoftheboys’dormitoriesattheschool.IadmitIwasratherprecociousandquitefullofmyself,butnothingcouldjustifythewayshetreatedsomeofus.WhenwetookourSundayshowersinacommunalbathroom,shewouldsingleoutafewofustosoapupfirst,scrubbedushardwithdrycoconutgrass,andmadeuswaitourturntoberinsedlast.Wewerenotallowedtorinseourselvesandhadtowaitwhileoureyesburnedwithsoap.Overthewinterbreakoneyear,asmymotherhaddiedandmyfatherwasill,Ihadtostayatschoolalongwiththosechildrenwhowereeitherorphansorwhoseparentsweretoopoortopayfortravelcosts.SoIspentonesnowyShimlawinterinflip-flops;shetoldmethatIhadalreadyusedmyallottedpairofshoesfortheyear.That’swhenIlearnedthatwhenyourfeetarecoldit’sextremelydifficulttokeepyourbodywarm.

AfterIleftschool,whenIwaseleven,tojointhemonastery,IusedtowonderhowImightreactifIevercameface-to-facewiththiswomanagain.Thenithappened.IwasfifteenandfamiliarwithmanystoriesofthehardshipsofdisplacementinthewakeoftheTibetans’escapetoIndia.Isawmyformerhousemothercarryingaloadoffirewoodonherback,withashovelontop,walkingdowntheroadinthescorchingheatofaSouthIndiansummer.Itturnedoutsheandherfamilyhadjoinedthesameresettlementcampwheremymonasteryhadmoved.Shelookedsmall,sweaty,anddarkenedbythesun,withstrugglesketchedonherforeheadindeepwrinkles.Atthesightofher,insteadofresentment,Ifeltsorryforherpain.IrealizedthatalthoughIhadsufferedhermistreatment,beingayoungchildIwasalsoshieldedfromthepainfulmemoriesoftotaldisplacementshemusthaveexperienced,havinglosteverythingonlyafewyearsbefore:hercountry,herhome,andthefamiliarworldshehadleftbehindtocomeintoexileinIndia.Thereshewas,inNorthIndia,lookingaftermorethanthirtychildren,noneofthemherown.Confrontedwithsuchtoil,it’sentirelyhumantoreactharshlytothosechildrenwhoweredefiantorself-entitled.Perhapstherewasnothingpersonalinhertreatmentofme;Ijusthappenedtobethetriggerthatunfortunatelybroughtouthermoreunpleasantside.ThenexttimeImether,aboutamonthlater,Iwentoverandintroducedmyself.Atfirst,shedidn’trecognizeme,butwhenshedidshesaid,“Yes,you

wereagoodfriendtomydaughterattheschool.”ThesimplerecognitionofhervulnerabilityasafellowhumancompletelychangedthewayIfeltabouther.

Thegoalofcompassiontrainingissimplythis:totemperourheartandmindinsuchawaythatweinstinctivelyrelatetoourselvesandotherswithawarenessofourneedsandthebasicvulnerabilitythatunitesusashumans.

AWayofBeingintheWorld

InBuddhismthereistheidealofthebodhisattva,apersonwhohaschosentolivehisorherlifeaccordingtotheprincipleofuniversalcompassion—anundifferentiatedsenseofconcernforthewell-beingofallbeings.Thishasalwaysinspiredme.Howdoesthebodhisattvalivethisidealinactualpractice?Heorshetakesavowtolivewithintheframeworkofthepracticeofthesixperfections:generosity,ethicalvirtue,forbearance,joyfulperseverance,concentration,andwisdom.Althoughthecontextofthisbookissecularandthusverydifferent,thisframeworkofthesixperfectionscanbeausefulguidetosomeonewhoaspirestolivehisorherlifeintunewiththeprincipleofcompassion,eveninthesecularworld.

It’snosurprisethatclassicalBuddhismchosegenerositytobethefirstpracticaltranslationoftheprincipleofcompassion.Intheworld’sothergreatspiritualtraditionstoo,thevirtueofgenerosity,forexample,orcharity(inChristianity)andzakat(inIslam)ishighlyextolledasawayofhonoringthedivinity.Today’sresearchersonhumanbehaviorusegivingasameasureofanindividual’saltruism.Themeaningofgenerosity,however,shouldnotbenarrowlyconfinedtothecharitablegivingofmaterialthings.Givingyourattention,time,andskilltocontributetoothers’welfareareallactsofgenerosity.Sotooaregivingspiritualcounsel,psychologicalcomfortandpeace,andafeelingofsafetyandsecurity.Thosewhoarefortunatetopossessmaterialresourcescangiveasawayofexpressingtheirbasiccompassionatespirit.Thepointistobegenerousnotjustinactionbutalsoinspiritandheart.ClassicalBuddhisttextsspeakofthreeformsofgiving:givingofmaterialneeds,givingfreedomfromfear—makingpeoplefeelsafe—andgivingspiritualcounsel.Incontemporaryterms,thefirstrelatestoourconventionalcharitablegiving,whilethesecondwouldincludemuchoftheworkofthecaregivingprofessions,suchasnursing,medicine,therapy,firefighting,andpolicing,withteachingandcounselingasexamplesofthethirdcategory.

Thesecondofthesixperfections,ethicalvirtue,issummedupinthissimpleprinciple:Helpothersifyoucan;ifnot,atleastrefrainfromharmingthem.If

wetakethisseriously,weneedtobeconsciousoftheconsequencesofouractionsnotjustonothersbutalsoonthenaturalenvironment.Ethicsnotonlyrelatestoactsofrestraint;italsoincludesvirtue,inwhichweconsciouslyengageinvirtuousandaltruisticdeeds.

Thethird,forbearance,referstoaparticularwayofdealingwithevents,especiallythosethatchallengeusadversely.Insteadofgivingintoanger,hostility,andimpatience,wechooseunderstanding,kindness,andpatienceasthebasisofourresponse.TherearethreetypesofforbearanceidentifiedinclassicalBuddhisttexts:forbearanceintheformofequanimitytowardthosewhocauseusharm,forbearanceasvoluntaryacceptanceofhardshipsinthepursuitofhigherpurpose,andforbearancebornfromunderstandingthedeepernatureofreality.Weknowfromourownexperiencethatthemorewecareforsomeone,themorewecanexercisepatiencewiththatperson—includingourselves.Theentirefamilyofmentalqualitiesrelatedtoforbearance—patience,understanding,andforgiveness—areexpressionsofkindnessandcompassion.

Thefourthisjoyfulperseverance,whichgoesbeyondaninitialefforttomaintainingjoyandenthusiasminourpursuitofaltruism.Thisvirtuedependsonsustainingmotivation—inotherwords,determination.Severalfactorsareimportanthere.Oneisbeingconvincedofthenobilityofourpursuit;anotherisbeingprepared,recognizingthatthereareboundtobechallengesinvolved.InBuddhisttexts,adoptinganattitudeofjoyfulperseveranceattheoutsetiscomparedtoputtingonarmorsothatourmotivationanddeterminationarenoteasilyunderminedbyadversityandsetbacks.Accordingtothesetexts,inpracticefourforcespromotejoyfuleffort:adeepsenseofconvictioninthevalueofourtask,steadfastnessinthepursuit,joyandenthusiasm,andtheabilitytoletgo—knowingwhentorelaxoureffortssothatwedon’tgetburnedout.

Thefifthofthesixperfections,concentration,relatesprimarilytothequalityoffocusandattentionwebringtoourengagement.Themoreattentionwegivetocompassionandaltruism,thelessvulnerablewe’llbetodistraction;forexample,byself-centeredrumination.Withthisvirtueofconcentration,wegainadegreeofmasteryoverourmindsothatwecandirectittowardthegoalsandpursuitsthatwetrulyvalue.

Finally,thereiswisdom,whichenablesustodeepenourcompassion,andmoreimportant,helpstranslateitintowiseactsthatareintunewithreality.Thisfinalfactor—wisdom,orinsight—isconsideredsocrucialthatit’sliketheeyethatallowstheotherfivevirtuestosee.Infact,theperfectunionofwisdomandcompassionisenvisionedasthetrueawakeningoftheBuddha.IrrespectiveofitstraditionalBuddhistroots,thecultivationandpursuitofthesesixvirtuesoffersausefulframeworkforthoseofuswhotakecompassionseriouslyto

guideourwayoflife.I,forone,findithelpfulasIstrivetoliveinaccordancewiththeidealofcompassion,especiallyinourincreasinglyglobalized,competitive,andfast-pacedworld.

FromaFeelingtoOurVeryWayofBeing

Throughoutthesepageswehaverepeatedlyacknowledgedhowweare,byverynature,empatheticcreatures;howwehumanshaveanamazingabilitytoconnectwithothers,togetintootherpeople’sshoesandminds.Inthefaceofsomeoneelse’sneedsandpain,weinstinctivelyrespondwithkindness,understanding,andcare.Wedonotneedreligionorschoolingtoteachusthis.Eachofusinstinctivelylongsforconnectionwithothers.Wecraveothers’affection,theiraffirmation,andtheirassurance.Evenourexperienceofhappinessandsuffering,whichdefinesusassentient,isprofoundlyshapedbyourrelationshipwithothers.Thesearethefundamentalfactsofourhumancondition.

Thissaid,whetherwemakeempathyandcompassionguidingforcesinourlifeisclearlyamatterofchoice,individualaswellascultural.Thewayweseeourselvesandtheworldaroundus,theattitudeswebringtotheworld,thevalueswecherish,andtheactionwetakealldeterminewhetherornotcompassionplaysadefiningroleinourlife.Compassiontrainingconnectsuswiththekinderpartofournature.Butifwe’renotinthehabitofcompassion,itwilltakesomeintention,determination,andpracticetomakeitourdefaultpositionandtheorganizingprincipleofourlife.

Sothegoalofcultivatingcompassionisbothambitiousandradical.Itistotransformourverybeing,andprofoundlychangehowwebehaveintheworld.Thisistruespiritualtransformation.

U

11ThePowerofOne

THEWAYTOAMORECOMPASSIONATEWORLD

Allhumanbeingsarebornfreeandequalindignityandrights.Theyareendowedwithreasonandconscienceandshouldacttowardoneanotherinaspiritofbrotherhood.

—UNIVERSALDECLARATIONOFHUMANRIGHTS,ARTICLE1

Aslongasspaceremains,Aslongassentientbeingsremain,Untilthen,mayItooremainAndhelpdispelmiseriesoftheworld.

—SHANTIDEVA(EIGHTHCENTURY)

ptothispoint,wehavelookedatcompassionmainlyfromthepointofviewofeachofusasindividuals.However,“nomanisanisland,”andas

we’veseen,thefateofeachoneofusisintertwinedwithalltherestofus.Thesocial,political,andeconomicsystemsthatmakeupoursocietyimpactourwelfareandourday-to-daylives.

Manyofusfeelpowerlesswhenwethinkaboutthebigproblemsoftheworld.War,terrorism,climatechangeandenvironmentaldestruction,povertyandthegrowinggapbetweentherichandthepoor—ourproblemsseemsohugeandcomplicatedthatwecanhardlyunderstandthem,letalonesolvethem.Evenifwehavesomeintuitionabouthowcompassioncouldhelp,westillhavenoideahowtomakethatwork.Weknow,forexample,thatbeingcompassionatewithourfamiliesissomethingwecando;butwehavenoideawhatourpartmightbeincreating,say,amorecompassionatecorporation.Inthisfinalchapter,we’llconsiderhowwemightbreakdownsomeoftheseproblemssothattheybegintoseemmoremanageable,andwe’llidentify,whereverpossible,thecrucialrolesindividualscanplayinmakingtheworldamorecompassionate

place.Intheend,nomatterhowcomplex,crowded,ormessedupmodernsocietymightappeartobe,itismadeupofindividualsjustlikeyouandme.Sothepracticalquestionforeachofusisthis:Whatdoesitmeanformetopracticecompassion,notjustpersonally,butpubliclyaswell?

CompassioninOurHealthCareSystems

It’sobviousthathealthcareisoneinstitutioninwhichweneedtomakecompassionapriority,particularlyintrainingprimaryhealthcareproviders.Fromcommunicatingwithpatientsandfamily,especiallywhendeliveringbadnews,tobeingfullypresentwitheachpatient,incorporatingcompassiontraininginformaltrainingcouldchangetheverycultureofhospitalsandtheirpatientcare.

Thiswouldalsogivehealthcareprofessionalsskillstodealwiththeconstantexposuretoacutesufferingandtheconsiderableemotionalimpactthatispartoftheireverydaywork.Manyusesuppressionasacopingstrategy,distancingthemselvesandkeeping“professionally”detached.However,aswesawinChapter9,suppressionisn’tgoodforusinthelongrun.Ontheotherhand,aswehavealsodiscussed,stayingopenandempatheticallthetimecanleaveusfeelingoverwhelmedandburnedout.Nomatterhowmentallystrongwemightbe,thereisonlysomuchapersoncantake.Anunregulatedresponsecanbedifficultfromthepatient’sperspectiveaswell.Patientsandtheirfamilyneedcomposureandconfidencefromtheirhealthcareexperts,notsomeonewhoappearstobeanemotionalwreck.Butwealsoneedourhealthcareproviderstocare.

Istherearightbalancebetweenprofessionalismandcaring?Compassiontrainingsaysyes.Throughcompassionpractice,healthcareproviderscanlearnhowtobefullyengagedwiththesufferingofthepatientandyetnotgetemotionallydrainedsince,critically,withcompassionourempatheticresponseistemperedbythewishtoseesomeonebecomefreefromsuffering,andwefeelenergizedbytheimpulsetodosomethingaboutthesituation.Compassion,asIhopeisclearbynow,isanempoweredstate.

Todistinguishthebrainsystemsinvolvedinempathyandcompassion,notedempathyresearcherTaniaSingersoughtthehelpoftheFrenchBuddhistmonkandauthorMatthieuRicardinaseriesofbrainimagingsessions.InthesefMRIsessions,Matthieuwasaskedtodeliberatelyremaininastateofempathyafterithadbeeninducedthroughexposuretoimagesofsuffering,andnottomoveontocompassion.Afterawhilehewasaskedtomoveontocompassion,wishing

alleviationofthatsufferingfortheobjectofhisconcern.Matthieu-la,asthosewhoknowhimaffectionatelycallhim,reportshowmovingontocompassionfeltlikearelease,akindofjoyousrelief.Incontrast,hesaidstayinginempathywasexhausting.Sincethen,Matthieu-lahasbecomemorevocalinadvocatingtheideathatwhatwecall“compassionfatigue”shouldactuallybeframedmoreaccuratelyas“empathyfatigue,”withcompassionofferingawayout.

Alreadytherearehealthcarecentersthatrecognizecompassiontrainingasacrucialcomponentofprofessionaleducationandself-care.InSanDiego,SharpHealthCare,amajorprivatehealthcareassociationwithapproximatelytwentythousandemployees,forexample,hasofferedtheStanfordCCTsince2011.Amongthosewhoparticipatedinthecourse,thepreliminaryresultsshowsignificantpositiveeffectsonjobsatisfaction,interpersonalrelations,andself-compassion.AtStanforditself,themedicalschoolhasrecentlyintroducedCCTclassestointerestedstudentphysicians.Similarly,notedZenteacherRoshiJoanHalifaxhasdevelopedaspecialcourseoncompassionforphysicians.Knownbyitsacronym,GRACE(gratitude,respect,attention,compassion,andembodiment),theprogramishelpfulespeciallyforphysiciansworkinginterminalcare.

Whenitcomestoactualtherapies,justaswithmindfulness,nodoubtwewillseecompassiontrainingadaptedfortreatmentsformoredisorders,fromrelapsepreventionindepressiontosubstanceabuse,PTSD,socialphobia,andexcessivestress.PaulGilbert’scompassionfocusedtherapy(CFT)forpatientssufferingfromhighshameandpathologicalnegativeself-judgmentisjustoneexample.Acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy(ACT),developedbyStevenHayesandothers,isanother,inthiscaseincorporatingaspectsofself-compassion,suchasnonjudgmentalacceptanceandakinderattitudetowardoneself.Incognitivetherapiestoo,Iimaginemoreintegratedmethodswillemerge.Thereisalsogreatpotentialforcompassiontraininginrelationshipandfamilytherapyandparentingandworkplacecounseling,inwhichconstructiveengagementwithothersdependsonahealthyrelationshipwithourselves.

Ultimately,theveryethosofourhealthcaresystemscanandmuststemfromcompassion.Regardlessofwhetherthesystemispublic,asinCanada,whereIlive,orprivate,asintheUnitedStates,themainobjectiveofhealthcaremustbehowbesttoservethepatients,basedonthepremisethatpeopleseekserviceoutofaprimaryneed,andwhentheydoso,mostofthetime,theyarealsoattheirmostvulnerable.Evenforprivatehealthcaresystems,compassionisintheirlong-termself-interest.Itpromotespositiverelationsbetweenpatientsandhealthcareproviders,makespatientsfeelmoreassured,andisgoodforthereputationoftheinstitutionsthemselves.Inhealthcare,compassionisawinforall

stakeholders.

ReenvisioningHowWeEducateOurChildren

Educationneedsmorefocusoncompassiontoo.Asourworldbecomesevermoreinterconnected,ouryoungergenerationurgentlyneedstolearnhowtorelatetoothersfromtheperspectiveofoursharedhumanity.Ifweexpectourchildrentomaintaintheirsanity,health,andhappinessgiventhecomplexityandstressofmodernlife,wemustequipthemwithcognitiveandemotionregulationskills;wemustteachthemtomanagetheirownmindsandtendtotheirhearts—theirownandeachother’s.Thisiswhatcompassiontrainingdoes.It’sencouragingtoknowthat,thankstowidespreadrespectforemotionalintelligenceinthewakeofDanielGoleman’sinfluentialbook,EmotionalIntelligence,manyschoolsinNorthAmericaandEuropealreadyincludesocialandemotionallearning(SEL)intheircurriculum.Studieshaveshownthatteachingchildrenhealthyemotionregulationhelpsthemlearn.Arecentstudyofatwelve-weekmindfulness-basedkindnesscurriculum,deliveredinapublicschoolsettingforpreschoolchildren,foundrobusteffectsonchildren’sexecutivefunction,self-regulation,andprosocialbehavior.

InMontreal,whereIlive,thereisaprivateFrenchschoolcalledÉcoleBuissonnièrre,wheremytwodaughterswentfortheirkindergartenandprimaryeducation.In2008,theschoolinitiatedaboldexperimenttotestwhether,insteadofmerelyreactingtotheproblemofbullyingasisarises,aproactiveapproachtoteachchildrencertainskillspertainingtoself-regulation,empathy,andpeacefulconflictresolutioncouldtangiblyimprovetheschoolculture.Theprogram,knownasMaClasse,ZonedePaix(MyClass,aPeacefulZone),isthebrainchildofmywife,Sophie,whodevelopeditonthebasisof,inpart,theprinciplesofnonviolentcommunication(NVC).

Childrenasyoungasagefivearetaughthowtochecktheir“emotiontemperature”bylookingata“thermometer,”alaminatedboardwithanimageofaneruptingvolcanoatthetop,asoothinggreen“calmalertzone”inthemiddle,andanicy“coldzone”atthebottom.If,forexample,six-year-oldThomasisfeelingangryandagitated,hecanidentifywiththevolcano;ifheisfeelinguninterestedanddetached,heisinthecoldzone.Stuckineitherofthesestates,Thomaswillnotbeabletoconnectwithhisfellowclassmatesconstructively,whichwillmakeitdifficultforhimtoplaywiththem.SoThomasandhisfriendslearnself-calmingexercises,suchasdeepbellybreathingandgentlerhythmicdrummingontheirknees,tosoothetheirvolcanofeelings.Onefavorite

exerciseisthe“secretgarden.”Eachchildcomesupwithavisualimageofaquiet,safegardenofhisown,wherehecanfeelsafe,peaceful,andrelaxed.Thomasandhisfriendswoulddothisexercisebyclosingtheireyesandtakingafewdeepbreathstosettledown.Theythenimaginethemselvesintheirgardens,feelingwhatit’sliketobethere.It’stouchingtohearfromsomeofourdaughters’friends,yearslater,how,asteenagers,theystillgototheirsecretgardenswhenthey’restressedout.

Asourfirst-graderThomasprogresses,hewouldexpandhisrepertoireofemotionwordstoembraceaspectrumofimportantfeelings—happy,sad,angry,afraid,safe,andsoon.Inthekindergartenyears,thechildrenmatchimagesoffacialexpressionstowhattheyarefeeling.Bysecondandthirdgrades,Thomas’semotionalliteracywouldtypicallyhavegrowntoincludetheabilitytosaythatheisfeelingjoyful,curious,frustrated,angry,lonely,disappointed,contented,worried,cautious,excited,confused,playful,surprised,relieved,andgrateful.

OnepowerfulfunctionoftheZonedePaixprograminvolvesconnectingthesepersonalfeelingswithunderlyinguniversalneeds.IfThomasisfeelingangryandlashesoutataclassmateontheplayground,itmaybebecausehefeelsexcluded,whichviolateshisneedforinclusion.Allchildrenneedsafety,respect,friendship,peace,choice,personalspace,rest,play,andinclusioninacommunityorasenseofbelonging.Whentheseneedsareviolatedtheyfeelthreatened,whichtheyexpressthroughemotionslikeanger,frustration,sadness,orfear.AsNVCfounderMarshallRosenberghasputit,“Judgment,criticisms,diagnosis,andinterpretationsofothersareallalienatedexpressionsofourneeds.”Thomasandhisfriendslearnabouttheirbasicneedsandpracticebeingawareoftheminrealtime,andyoumightbesurprisedhowquicklytheygetit!Theytaketurnssaying,“Ineedx,”andcheckingwhatevertheyhappentochooseagainstthequestion“Doallchildrenneedit?”Iftheanswerisno,thenitisnotarealneed.So,thingslikeiPadscanbeexcludedfromthelistquiteeasily.Havinglearnedwhatitfeelsliketobeangry,sad,andafraid,andalsohavinglearnedtoconnectthesenegativefeelingswithunderlyingneedsthatarecommontoall,Thomasandhisfriendsthenextendthisunderstandingtoothers.ThisconsciousapproachofconnectingwiththefeelingsandneedsofothersonthebasisofhisownfeelingsandneedshelpslittleThomasusehisnaturalcapacityforempathyinaconstructiveway.

Oneofthemostattractiveoutcomesoftheprogramfromtheschool’sperspectiveisanefficientsystemofconflictresolution,inwhichthechildreninvolvedintheconflictarethemselvestheagentsofresolutionandtheadultssimplyfacilitateanexchangeinwhicheachchildexplainswhattheothermighthavefelt,andmoreimportant,whatmighthavebeentheunderlyingneedofthe

havefelt,andmoreimportant,whatmighthavebeentheunderlyingneedoftheotherchildthatwasnotmet.Throughthisprocess,oftenthechildrenresolvetheirconflictandmakeupwithinonetothreeminutes.

Attheendofthefirstyearofthisexperiment,Ispoketotheprincipalataschoolcelebrationandthankedherforcourageouslyofferingmywifetheopportunitytotestherprogram.Shesaid,“Imustthankyouforsharinghertimewiththeschool.Theimpactoftheprogramhasbeentangible.Thisyear,forinstance,therehasbeenaroundafiftypercentreductionindisciplinarycasescomingtomyoffice.”Now,inthesixthyearoftheprogram,theteachershavereportedamuchgreaterfeelingofconnectionandsenseofcommunityamongthemselves.Whenteachersfeelheard,seen,andvaluedbytheirpeers,students,andtheschoolauthorities,aswellasbyparents,thisaffectstheentireschoolculture,withstudentsbeingtheultimatebeneficiaries.

Formorethanthreedecadesnow,theDalaiLamahasbeencallingforafundamentalrethinkingofoureducationsystem.Asheremindsus,moderneducationhasitsrootsinmedievalEurope,whenreligiousinstitutionstookprimaryresponsibilityformoraldevelopment.Today,inoursecularsociety,withthepublicroleoftheChurchmuchdiminished,thetimehascomeforoureducationinstitutionstorethinktheirrole.Shouldwecontinuetoconfinetheeducationofourchildrentoacademicdevelopment?Orshouldweaimtodevelopthewholechild,brainandheart?Shouldweteachourchildrenessentialskillstothriveinanewworldcharacterized,thankstoaglobaleconomyandinformationtechnology,bytheincreasingproximityofpeoples,cultures,andreligions?Iftheanswertothesecrucialquestionsisyes,theDalaiLamaarguesthatwemustteachfundamentalhumanvalues—theuniversalsecularethicsIspokeofinChapter9thatlieattheheartofallmajorspiritualandethicaltraditionsanddefineusasmembersofthesamehumanfamily—aspartofourchildren’sformaleducation.

In2013,theMindandLifeInstitute,anorganizationcofoundedbytheDalaiLama,tookonthechallenge.Ithasbroughttogetherexpertsfromneuroscienceandpsychologyaswellaseducationtofigureoutwhataneducationinsecularethicsmightentail.Attheheartoftheiranswersofaristherecognitionthatourcaringinstinctisthebasisofourmoralsentiment,andoursocialandethicaldevelopmentisdefinedbythethreeprimarymodesofcare:receivingcarefromothers,extendingcaretoothers,andself-care.AssomeonewhohasbeencloselyconnectedwiththeMindandLifeInstitutesinceitsbirthin1987,Iameagertoseehowthisinitiativemightinspirechange.

Whetherthenextandfuturegenerationsrisetothecomplexchallengesofourinterconnectedworlddependsonhowweeducateourchildren.Whetherourchildrengrowupwithfeelingsoffellowship,acollectivesenseofresponsibility,

childrengrowupwithfeelingsoffellowship,acollectivesenseofresponsibility,andheartsthatcareforthefateofourworldisreallyuptous.

CaringWorkplace,CaringEconomics

Inmanyways,theworkplaceisforuswhatschoolisforourchildren.Thecultureourworkplaceembodiesandhowwearetreatedtheredeeplyimpactourwell-being.Attheveryleast,organizationscanmakecompassionaprincipleoftheirhumanresourcesphilosophy.Whenemployeedissatisfactionandconflictaremetwithempathy,concern,andunderstandingratherthanseenasannoyingcomplaints,employeestendtofeelmoreloyalandcommittedoverall.So,bringingcompassionintothecultureoftheworkplacenotonlyhelpsalleviatehumansuffering;ultimately,it’salsogoodforbusiness.

Formorethanadecade,theUniversityofMichiganhasbeenhometoaninterestinginitiativecalledtheCompassionLabtofindoutmoreaboutcompassioninthecontextoforganizations.Thiscollaborativestudyoperatesfromthepremisethatorganizationsare“sitesofeverydayhealingandpain”andaimstodeveloptheoreticalframeworksthatwouldhelpexplainhowcompassioncanbecomeorganizedandspreadthroughoutanorganization.Or,inpracticalterms,“Whatarethefactorsthatamplifyandinhibitcompassioninanorganization?”CompassionLabresearchershaveidentifiedthreeinterrelatedfactorsthathelporganizecollectivecompassionateresponse:thepresenceofnetworksofpeoplewhoknoweachotherwellenoughtosharetheirpain;establishedroutineswithintheorganizationforservicethatfostersregularityinhumancontact;andvaluessuchassharedhumanity.Theirstudiesalsohighlighttheroleofanorganization’sleaderinspreadingcompassion;heorshemustleadbycompassionateexample—“walkthewalk”—toaffectthecultureoftheorganization.Compassion,personalintegrity,humility,beingopentoothers’perspectivesyettakingresponsibilitytolead,allrootedincourageandaquietconfidence—thesearethemarksoftrulygreatleaders.

It’sonethingtocallforcompassionintheworkplace.Butisthereaplaceforcompassioninoureconomicsystems?Iscompassionatbestirrelevanttoor,ultimately,incompatiblewithoureconomicbehavior?Thisisadifficultquestion.NonethelessIdobelievethatthenewwaveofhumanpsychology—recognizingthatourcaringandcompassionatesideplaysapowerfulmotivatingroleinhumanbehavior—challengessomeoftheassumptionsbehindourstandardeconomicmodels.Wearenotmerelyself-servingshort-term-profitmaximizers.It’sthisconceptofselfishhumannaturethatjustifiesaggressivecompetitiveness,uncheckedresourceconsumption,andunlimitedgrowth.

competitiveness,uncheckedresourceconsumption,andunlimitedgrowth.Forindividualsaswellascorporations,monetarygainshouldnotbetheonly

yardstickforsuccess.Whenwedefinesuccessinpurelymonetaryterms,peoplehangtheirdignityandsenseofself-respectonhowmuchtheymakeoracquire.Inthewakeoftheglobaleconomiccrisisof2008,whichcausedsomuchpaintomillionsworldwide,peoplewereoutragedattheWallStreetcultureofgreed.Yes,greedwasamajorfactor,butinsomeways,itisasymptomofadeeper,systemicproblem,namelyourwholematerialisticethos.

Today’saggressivecorporateculture,whichreallybegantogathersteaminthe1980swhentheunscrupulousworldofmergersandacquisitionscametobeglamorizedinthemedia,isclearlyunsustainable.Whiletheaverageemployee’spayhasbarelykeptpacewithinflation,topexecutives’payhasincreasedexponentially,risingtoalmostthreehundredtimesthatofthetypicalemployeewithinthesameorganization.Accordingtostudies,from1978to2013,CEOcompensationintheUnitedStatesincreased937percent,whileatypicalemployee’scompensationrosejustover10percent.Thisisadangeroustrend.Today,evensomeeconomistswarnthatunlesssomethingchanges,thedevelopedworldissettoreturntotheextremeincomeinequalityofthenineteenthcentury,whenmostofthenation’swealthwasinthehandsofthetop1percent.Suchanunequalworldisnotintheinterestofanyone,noteventhetop1percent.Somequestionwhetherourclassiceconomicmodelisfundamentallyflawed,arguingthatcapitalmarkettheorydoesnottakeintoaccountaworldwithlimited,nonrenewable(ornon-substitutable)naturalresources,wherecurrentgenerationscannotbereliedontomanageresourcesfairlyortocarefortheinterestoffuturegenerations.

Tome,it’saquestionoffairness,whetheracrosscurrentstakeholdersoracrossgenerations.Toensuregreaterfairnessinthesystem,weneedprofessionaleconomistschallengingtoday’smarketorthodoxyofshort-term-profitmaximization,weneedsmarteconomicpoliciesonthepartofnationalleadersandpublicofficials,andweallneedtochallengethevaluesthatunderpinunfairnessinpractice.Already,thankstopublicpressure,companiesarebeginningtouseenvironmentalaswellas“socialresponsibility”measuresaspartoftheirperformancereports.Today,therearebusinessesintheUnitedStatesandelsewhereknownasBcorps(benefitcorporations),whichseektobenefitsocietyandtheenvironmentwhilemakingprofitsatthesametime.Forthesecorporations,socialgoals(constructivecontributionstosocietyandtheplanet)factorcriticallyintheirdecision-makingprocess.

Thiswouldnotbethefirstvictoryovereconomicpolicythatcompassionhaswon.Associetalnormschange,sodoourstandardsofacceptableeconomic

behavior.Today,withinternationalstandardssuchastheUniversalDeclarationofHumanRightsandthosegoverninglaborrightsaswellasgrowingenvironmentalconcerns,asasociety,wenolongertoleratetheexploitativepracticesofourearlyindustrialperiod.Sadly,therearestillpartsoftheworldwhereabusivesweatshopsanddangerousworkconditionsexisttoproducecheapproductswithheftyprofits,buteventhere,thelawsofthelandandthesocietyasawholedeemsuchpracticesunacceptable.(Theycontinuethroughlackofpoliticalwillandlawenforcementtostopthem.)

Intoday’sworldofinstantcommunicationanddemocraticonlineplatformssuchasmicrobloggingandsocialmedia,businessesthataskforcustomers’trustmuststrivehardertodemonstratetheirtrustworthiness.Anorganization’sintegritywillhelpitstayoutofcourtandscandalousheadlines,andgiveitsemployeesmorereasontobededicatedandproud.Clearly,compassioncangoalongwaytowardmaintainingthehighestdegreeofintegrity.

“AVeryDifferentCompany”Aremarkablestoryofaglobalbusinessillustrateshowacompassionatevisioncanberealizedattheorganizationallevel.TheCamelliaGroupofcompanieswascreatedbyGordonFox,someoneIhaveknownandadmiredforalongtime.Gordonisasoft-spokenmanwhocombinesthemindandtheheart,andrigorandsensitivity,inawaythatseemseffortless.AlongtimestudentofZenandJapaneseteaceremony,hefirsttraveledtoIndiain1956,atwhichtimehefellinlovewiththeDarjeelingregionatthefoothillsoftheHimalayas.ThesightofthesnowcappedKanchenjungapeaksfromthevantagepointofBadamtamTeaEstatenearDarjeelinghasleftalastingimpressionwithimplicationsforthousandsofpeopleovertheyearssince.Intheseteagardenstherewasatraditionhandeddownfromgenerationtogeneration,withownerscaringforthewell-beingofteapluckersaboveandbeyondtheirjobdescription,includingtheirhealth,education,familyharmony,andlong-termemployment.GordonhappenedtovisitBadamtamduringaperiodofgreatuncertaintyandinsecurity;theBritishownersofmanyoftheteagardenswerefeelingincreasinglyuneasyinpostindependenceIndiaandthinkingaboutreturningtoEngland.

Ittookmanyyearsofdiligentwork,butGordonmanagedtoformafamilyofcompanies,includinganumberoftheteaestatesintheDarjeelingarea(Badamtam,Thurbo,thefamedMargaret’sHope,andCastleton)andnumerousothergardensintheDooarsregionandacrosstheborderinBangladesh.ThoughbasedinLondon,theCamelliaGroupofcompaniesputthemanagementoftheteaestatesinthehandsofthelocalnationals.Today,Camelliaisoneofthe

teaestatesinthehandsofthelocalnationals.Today,Camelliaisoneofthelargestteaproducersintheworld,withestatesinIndiaandBangladesh,andKenyaandMalawiinAfrica.

Tospendafewdaysatoneoftheseestatesisalife-changingexperience.Badamtam,forexample,isarareplace,withschoolingforthechildrenoftheteapluckers,ahospitalandhealthclinics,aswellascommunityhallsandtemplesineachofthemajorsectorsoftheestatewherespecificcommunitieslive.Thereonefeelsapalpablesenseofbelongingonthepartofallstakeholders.Todayalltheseteaestateshavenotonlysurvivedbutarethriving,withthecontinuedassuranceofemploymentforthousandsoftealaborersandtheirfamilies.

WhatGordonwroteyearsagoaschairmanofCamelliacapturestheessenceofhisbusinessphilosophy:“Aboveallweseektobeacompanyofgenuinemoralintegrityandprofessionalism,witharealconcernfortheinterestsandwelfareofouremployees....Inconvenientandcostlythoughitmaysometimesbe,adherencetotheseprincipleswhereverweoperateisfundamentaltoourself-respect,innerstrength,andlong-termachievement.”Inthissamereport,healsowrote,“NothingIhaveseenorexperiencedoverfortyyearsofprofessionallifehasledmetoaltermyviewthatabusinesscanberunwitha‘humanface,’forthebenefitnotonlyofshareholdersbutequallyforitsemployees,aswellasgeneralbenefitofthesocietiesandenvironmentinwhichitworks.”

Camelliaexistsnotonlytogenerateshareholderreturnsbutalsotoensurethecontinuedemploymentofpeoplewhosewelfareisinextricablylinkedwiththefateoftheseteaestates.Todothis,Gordontakesalongviewofprofits,withanattitudeofcustodianshipratherthanownership.InarecentbookontheCamelliaGroup,thewell-knownmanagementguruCharlesHandyaffirmsGordon’sapproach:

Asacommercialenterprise,profitsareofnecessityahighpriorityforCamellia,butneverofultimateimportance.Inmanyinstancesprofitshavebeentheby-productofcarefullong-termplanningandexecutionratherthanaspecificaiminthemselves.Similarly,itssteadygrowthhasnotbeentheresultofanyobsessiveneedtobebiggestorthebest,butrathertheoutcomeofthewaythebusinessisrun.ThisapproachisheavilyinfluencedbyCamellia’sviewoftheconceptoftimeandthenatureofownership.

Overtime,Gordontransferredhismajoritysharestoacharitableentity,afoundationwhoseresponsibilitiesinclude,inadditiontocontinuingsupportofcharitableactivitiesintheteaestateregions,theguardianshipoftheculture,

ethos,andmanagementphilosophyofCamellia.Tositontheboardofthisfoundationhasbeenoneofthegreatesthonorsofmylife.Today,iftherearepartsoftheworldwherethousandsofteaworkerscangotobedwiththeraresenseofsecuritythattheirhome,livelihood,andcommunitywillbethereforalongtimetocome,thisisdueprimarilytothefactthatmorethanhalfacenturyago,someonewithacourageousheartbroughtconsciousintentionintomanagingthesevaluableassetswithcompassion.IhadthegoodfortunetoaccompanyGordononavisittoBadamtamTeaEstatein2013,andwasmovedtoseethedeepaffectiontheentirecommunityfeelsforhim.Camelliatodayhasmorethanseventy-threethousandemployeesworldwide,andevenattheheightoftheglobalfinancialcrisisthecompanybroughthealthydividendstoitsshareholders.

TowardaMoreJustandCompassionateSociety

Ifthereisonefundamentalinsightthatsocialsciencehastaughtus,it’sthis:Unlesswechangesocialstructuresandinstitutions,wecannotexpectoursocietytochangeinanyfundamental,enduringway.Somuchsufferingandunfairnessiscausedbystructuralconditionsofoursociety,suchasdiscriminationbasedonrace,religion,gender,andsexualorientation.Notcoincidentally,societiesthathaveundergonefundamentalstructuralchangessincetheSecondWorldWararetheoneswherecitizensnowenjoythehighestdegreeoffreedom,respectforindividualrights,anddignity.NothingcapturesthespiritofthepostwarethosbetterthantheUN’sUniversalDeclarationofHumanRights,whichrepresentsthefirstsystematicglobalexpressionofbasicstandardsforacivilizedsociety’streatmentofitscitizens.Althoughthischarteremergeddirectlyfromtheexperienceofthewar,Iviewitasaculminationofalongerhistory,perhapsgoingallthewaybacktotheEuropeanEnlightenment.Togetherwithdemocracy,theimperativetostructuresocietyonthebasisofrespectforfundamentalhumanrightsisWesterncivilization’sgreatestgifttohumanity.

ThisUNcharteralsorepresentsalandmarkanswertotheperennialquestion:Whatistherightbalancebetweenthewelfareoftheindividualandthatofthecollective?Byarticulatingthebasicrightsoftheindividual,whichheorsheenjoysbyvirtueofsimplybeinghuman,universalhumanrightssetclearboundariesthateventheState—thecollective—cannotcross,exceptunderclearlydefinedcircumstances.Thecharterdeclaresthatourdefaultpositionasasocietywillbetotrusttheindividual,achoicethathasprovedquiteprophetic.

Today,wherethereisrespectforhumanrights,societiesgenerallythrive,withcitizensfeelingsafer,freer,andvalued.WhetherwelookattheSovietexperimentorattoday’smoreaffluentCommunistChina,wherethereisnocommitmenttobasichumanrights,theStatealwaystreatsitscitizenswithfear,suspicion,andoppression.Thismakesforaninherentlyunstablesystem,whereeverycriticalexpressionfromcitizensisperceivedbythestateasathreat.

Whencompassionnaturallyarisesinusinresponsetohumansuffering,it’stheconcreteindividualityofthepredicamentthatelicitsourcompassion—notsomeabstractideaofhumanity,butthespecificrealityofsufferinginfrontofus.However,whenwemakecompassionourconsciousintentionforstructuringoursociety,it’stheideaofhumanityandthealleviationofsufferingthatconcernsus.Inotherwords,compassionasanemotionalresponseispassionate,personalized,andfocusedonthespecific,whilecompassionasanoutlookisdispassionate,depersonalized,andfocusedontheabstract,notunliketheblindfoldedJustice.Theindividualrecipientofjusticecouldbeanyone—you,me,white,black,Asiatic,religious,nonreligious,rich,poor;whatmattersisthatheorsheisacitizenwithbasicrightsanddignity.Atthislevel,justiceandcompassion,twofundamentalcomponentsofourethics,cometogether.

Buddhistthoughtalsorecognizesthatcompassion,initsmostdevelopedform,isnotcontingentupontheparticularsofindividualsuffering.Compassionarisesasourresponsetosuffering,period;whosesufferingitisshouldnotmatter.Shantidevaputsitthisway:

Simplybecauseit’ssuffering,itmustbewardedoff.

Whyisanylimitationputonthis?Noonedisputesandquestions

whysufferingshouldbeprevented.Ifitmustbeprevented,allofitmustbe.

Ifnot,thisgoesforoneselfasforeveryone.

Thebeautyofstructuralandinstitutionalchangeisthatthebenefitsareshareduniversally.Logically,anyonewhoisdedicatedtocompassionwillalsobecommittedtosocialchange,notjustpersonaltransformation.Peoplewhoworktopromotesocialjustice,respectforhumanrights,andgreaterdemocracyaroundtheworldarechampionsofcompassioninaction.Thishasnothingtodowithbringing“inappropriate”Westernvaluestonon-Westernpartsoftheworld.Personally,Ifindthesuggestionthatvaluessuchasrespectforbasichuman

rightsaresomehowinappropriateinotherpartsoftheworldtobeaninsulttothepeopleandculturesinthosepartsoftheworld.Inthedevelopedworldtoo,includingtheWest(whereIlivenow),clearlymanystructuralimprovementsarestillneededtocreateamoreequitableandcompassionatesociety.Thestruggleisfarfromover.However,becauseofdemocracy,respectforhumanrights,andanindependentjudiciaryandmedia,wheneverthecitizenssochoose,wecanchangesocietytomakeitmorecaring,compassionate,andfair.

Wecannotwaitforoursocietytochange;wemusttaketheinitiativetomakechange.Amorecompassionateworldstartswithindividuals,peoplejustlikeyouandme.Hopefully,thisbookhashelpedyouseethatcompassionisn’theroic;it’shuman.Whenwelook,wecanalwaysfindopportunitiestoexpressourcompassionatesidethroughkindnessinoureverydaylife.ThequestionisnotwhetherIamcompassionate;rather,thequestionis:WillImakethechoicetoexpressthemorecompassionatepartofme?Whetherweliveourliveswithcompassion,whetherwerelatetoourselves,others,andtheworldaroundusfromaplaceofcompassion,understanding,andkindnessisuptous.Tome,thisisalsothemostimportantspiritualquestionofhumanexistence.

ThereisasayingintheTibetantraditionthatthebestmeasureofourspiritualdevelopmentishowwerelatetodeathwhenourfinaldayarrives.Weareadvisedtobeabletoleave,whenourtimecomes,ifnotwithasenseofjoy,atleastwithnoremorse.Furthermore,wearetold,nakedawarenessofourmortalitycanhelpusalignourdeepestaspirationsandeverydayactions.Itcanalsobringakindofbrutalhonesty—andcourage—toourlife.Itleaveslittleroomforfalsepretenseormaintainingafacade,andrevealsthefruitlessnessofexpendingtoomuchenergytakingcareofourego.It’sstarkbut,Ihavefound,helpfuladvice.

Whenourtimefinallyarrives,eachoneofusdepartsthisworldalone.Wecannottakeourwealth,fame,orevenoureducationwithus.Whatwecantakearethethoughtsandfeelingsofourlastdays.HaveImademylifepurposeful?HaveIbeenloved?HaveIlovedandcaredforothers?HaveItouchedothers’livesinmeaningfulways?HaveIbroughtjoyintothelivesofothers?Hasmyexistencematteredtootherpeople’swell-being?Thesearethequestionsthatwilloccupyourmindasweapproachourend.

Inanycase,thesearethequestionsthatshouldmattermosttousashumanbeings,whosehappinessandsufferingaredefinedbyourrelationshipwithothers.Sowhynotstartlivingourlivesfromthisverymomentasiftheydo?Whywait?Thereisnobettertimetostart.Timealwaysmoveson.TheDalaiLamaoftenremindsusthatnoforcecanstoptime;buthowweuseourtime,wiselyandmeaningfullyornot,isuptous.Forme,compassionisthekeytoa

meaningfullife.Itismysincerehopethatsomeofthereflectionsandsuggestionsofferedinthisbookmayhelpyouandotherslikeyou—justlikeyou—toputcompassionatthecenterofyourlifeandseehowitchangestheworld.

B

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

uddhistphilosophyrecognizesthatbehindevenasingleeventtherearemultiplecausesandconditionsandthatwecannotknowthemall.So,asI

sitdowntowritetheselinestosay“Thankyou”tothosewhohavehelpedmakethisbookpossible,IamacutelyawarethatIwillmissmanynames.

Firstandforemost,IwouldliketothankHisHolinesstheDalaiLamaforhismasterfulleadershipinpromotingcompassionintheworldandforalwaysshowinguswhatitmeanstoliveitbothinthoughtandinaction.MylatemonasticteacherKyabjeZeméRinpochétutoredmeintherichBuddhistphilosophical,psychological,andmeditativetraditions.Withouthavingthepresenceofthesetwoteachersinmylife,Icannotimaginebeingabletowritethisbook.

TheCenterforCompassionandAltruismandEducationResearch(CCARE)atStanfordUniversityalsofiguressignificantlyinthebackgroundofthisbook.Here,IexpressmyappreciationtoJamesR.Doty,thedirectorofCCARE,forinvitingmetobeafoundingmemberofthecenterandgivingmetheopportunitytodevelopwhatbecametheCompassionCultivationTraining(CCT).MargaretCullen,ErikaRosenberg,andKellyMcGonigal—threeremarkableteachersofpsychologyandmeditation—madeinvaluablecontributionstotheprogram’sfurtherdevelopmentasthefirstseniorinstructorsofCCT.TheywerelaterjoinedbyMonicaHansonandLeahWeiss.TheOmidyarNetwork,throughtheHopeLab,generouslysupportedthetrainingoftwocohortsofCCTinstructors.EdwardHarpinandRobertMcClureestablishedarobustpresenceofCCTatSharpHealthCareinSanDiego.JeanneL.Tsai,BirgitKoopmann,PhilippeR.Goldin,andHooriaJazaieriatStanfordundertookscientificstudiesontheeffectsofCCT.Ioffermydeepestthankstoallofyou,forwithoutyouractiveroles,CCTwouldnotbewhereitistoday.

Iwouldliketothankmyagent,StephanieTade,forherpassionatebeliefinthisbookandforgivingmethenecessarycouragetotakeiton.IthankCarolineSutton,mypublisheratHudsonStreetPress,whohasbeenmostgenerouswithhertime,attention,andinsights.Hercriticalcommentsonmytwodraftskeptme

hertime,attention,andinsights.Hercriticalcommentsonmytwodraftskeptmeconstantlystrivingforgreaterclarityandcohesion.Ithanktwootherindividualswhohavebeencrucialinthewritingofthisbookaswell.LeahWeisshelpedwiththeresearchandgatheringofCCTinstructors’stories,andcarefullyreadmydraftsatvariousstages.AndIwasfortunatetoreceivethehelpofStephanieHiggsattheeleventhhour.Bytighteningthetextyetrelaxingthevoice,sharpeningthenarratives,andmakingmefillthegaps,Stephaniehelpedbringsomethingtrulyamazingtomyfinalmanuscript.

Iamindebtedtotwoclosefriendswhoreaddraftsatvariousstagesandofferedvaluablefeedback:K.C.BranscombKelleyandJasElsner.ItwasinfactK.C.who,forseveralyears,encouragedmetowriteabookforthegeneralaudience.IthankGordonFoxandSimonTurnerfortheircontributionsonthestoryoftheCamelliaGroupofcompanies;ZaraHoushmandforherhelpineditingpartoneofthebook;andCCTcourseparticipantswhosharedtheirinspiringstories,whichIhavecitedinthebook.Twocolleagues,RichardDavidson,afellowboardmemberoftheMindandLifeInstitute,andBrianKnutson,acolleagueatStanfordUniversity,kindlyreadthefinalmanuscriptandofferedadvicethathelpedsharpenmypresentationsofthescientificstudies.Whileacknowledgingtheircounsels,Itakefullresponsibilityforanyshortcomingsinmyreadingofscience.

IwouldalsoliketoacknowledgeNitaIngandtheIngFoundationfortheirgenerouspatronageoftheInstituteofTibetanClassics,whichhelpedsupportpartofmytimeduringthewriting.Lastbutnotleast,Ithankmyfamily.Mydaughters,KhandoandTara,daredmetosharemoreaspectsofmypersonallifewiththereader.Mywife,Sophie,patientlylistenedtoeachchapterasIwroteit,andherobservationshelpedkeepmeoncourse.Herconstantloveandstabilizingpresenceareamongmybestkarma.

Whatevergoodemergesfromthecreationofthisbook,throughthis,mayeachoneofusexperiencethewarmth,courage,andlastingjoyofgenuinecompassion.

NOTES

IntroductionMindandLifeDialogues:Thisisabiannualfive-daydialoguebetweenscientistsfromdiversefieldsandtheDalaiLama,whichtakesplaceathisresidenceinDharamsala,India.Theproceedingsofmanyoftheseconversations,whichbeganin1987,areavailableinvariousbooks.Seewww.mindandlife.org.

“Scratchanaltruist”:FransdeWaal,PrimatesandPhilosophers:HowMoralityEvolved,editedbyStephenMacedo(Boston:HarvardUniversityPress,1998),10.DeWaalattributesthisquotetoAmericanbiologistandphilosopherMichaelGhiselin.

Accordingtoreligioushistorian:KarenArmstrong,TwelveStepstoaCompassionateLife(NewYork:AlfredA.Knopf,2010),19.

Today,scientistsarebeginningtomap:Forareviewofscientificstudiesoncompassion,includingitsevolutionaryroots,seeJenniferL.Goetz,DacherKeltner,andEmiliaSimon-Thomas,“Compassion:AnEvolutionaryAnalysisandEmpiricalReview,”PsychologicalBulletin136,no.3(2010):351–74.

If,forexample,theworld’sbelievers:OneofthefocusesoftheCharterforCompassionmovementinitiatedbyKarenArmstrong,anotedauthoronworldreligions,istoencouragefollowersoftheworld’smajorreligionstocollectivelyadoptit.

whathecalls“globalcompassion”:See,forexample,PaulEkman,MovingTowardGlobalCompassion(SanFrancisco:PaulEkmanGroup,2014).

Brainimagingstudies:Someoftheimportantfindingsofbrainimagingstudiesonlong-termmeditatorsdoneatRichardDavidson’slabsarereportedinthefollowingpapers:AntoineLutz,LaurenceL.Greischar,NancyB.Rawlings,MatthieuRicard,andRichardJ.Davidson,“Long-termMeditatorsSelf-InduceHigh-AmplitudeGammaSynchronyDuringMentalPractice,”ProceedingsoftheNationalAcademyofSciences101,no.46(2004):16369–73;J.A.Brefczynski-Lewis,A.Lutz,H.S.Schaefer,D.B.Levison,andR.J.Davidson,“NeuralCorrelatesofAttentionalExpertiseinLong-termMeditationPractitioners,”PNAS104,no.27(2007):11483–88;andAntoineLutz,JulieBrefczynski-Lewis,TomJohnstone,andRichardJ.Davidson,“RegulationoftheNeuralCircuitryofEmotionbyCompassionMeditation:EffectsofMeditativeExpertise,”PLoSOne3,no.3(2008):e1897.

speciallydevelopedmindfulnesspractice:Foralucidpresentationofmindfulnessanditscentralpracticesfromthecreatorofmindfulness-basedstressreduction(MBSR),seeJonKabat-Zinn,WhereverYouGo,ThereYouAre:MindfulnessMeditationinEverydayLife(NewYork:Hyperion,1994).

“Whatisreallybestinanybookistranslatable”:RalphWaldoEmerson,“Books,”inSocietyandSolitude(BostonandNewYork:FiresideEdition,1909).Thefullquotereads:“IdonothesitatetoreadallthebooksIhavenamed,andallgoodbooks,intranslations.Whatisreallybestinanybookistranslatable—anyrealinsightorbroadhumansentiment.”

“Isometimesseethirty-fivepatients”:PersonalcommunicationwithRobertMcClure,apsychotherapistandseniorCCTinstructoratSharpHealthCare,inSanDiego,California.

Chapter1:TheBestKeptSecretofHappinessTennyson’sfamousphrase:Alfred

LordTennyson,InMemoriamA.H.H.Canto56(Boston:HoughtonMifflin,1895),62.

Huxleysawhumanexistenceasagladiator’sshow:ThomasHuxley,EvolutionandEthicsandOtherEssays(London:McMillan&Co,1895),199–200.ForasuccinctpresentationoftheinfluentialWesternviewsonselfishnessasourdefiningnatureanditsearlycritics,seedeWaal,PrimatesandPhilosophers,3–21.

TheAmericanphilosopher:ThomasNagel,ThePossibilityofAltruism(Princeton,NJ:PrincetonUniversityPress,1970),19.Nagelcomparesprudencetoaltruismandarguesthatprudenceinvolvesconceivingourpresentsituationasmerelyastageinatemporallyextendedlifeandcaringaboutourfutureselves.Altruism,ontheotherhand,involvestheconceptionofourselvesasmerelyonepersonamongothersandarisesfromourcapacitytoviewourselvesbothasIandassomeoneatthesametime.

PsychologistDanielBatson:DanielC.Batson’sseminalpublicationsonthetopicinclude“ProsocialMotivation:IsItEverTrulyAltruistic?”AdvancesinExperimentalSocialPsychology20(1987):65–122;TheAltruismQuestion:TowardaSocial-PsychologicalAnswer(Mahwah,NJ:LawrenceErlbaumAssociates,1997);andmorerecentlyAltruisminHumans(Oxford,UK:OxfordUniversityPress,2011).

Today,thereisagrowingrecognition:Fortwoofthebestrepresentativesofthisemergingunderstandingofhumannaturewithinscience,seeElliottSoberandDavidSloanWilson,UntoOthers:TheEvolutionandPsychologyofUnselfishBehavior(Boston:HarvardUniversityPress,1998);anddeWaal,PrimatesandPhilosophers.SeealsoFransdeWaal,TheAgeofEmpathy:Nature’sLessonsforaKinderSociety(NewYork:BroadwayBooks,2010).

naturalabilitytounderstand:GreaterGood,“WhatIsCompassion?”http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/compassion/definition.

“Takeyourownbodyasanexample”:Udanavarga,acollectionofaphorismsattributedtotheBuddha.AlltranslationsfromclassicalBuddhistandTibetansourcesinthebookaremineunlessotherwisestated.

innonreligioussources:Thisquote,fromJean-JacquesRousseau’sEmile,iscitedinAdamPhillipsandBarbaraTaylor,OnKindness(NewYork:Farrar,StrausandGiroux,2009),34.

“thesourceofourfellow-feeling”:AdamSmith,TheTheoryofMoralSentiments(NewYork:DoverPhilosophicalClassics,2006),4.

CharlesDarwinhimselfspokeof:CharlesDarwin,“MoralSense,”inTheDescentofMan,andSelectioninRelationtoSex,vol.1(Princeton,NJ:PrincetonUniversityPress,1982[1871]),69.

Inthebrain:Thereisagrowingbodyofneuroscientificliteratureontheneuronalbasisofempathyandhowitimplicatesvariousbrainregions.See,forexample,S.D.PrestonandF.B.deWaal,“Empathy:ItsUltimateandProximateBases,”BehavioralandBrainSciences25(2002):1–72.Forareviewofcurrentstudiesaswellasasuccinctpresentationoftheissuesrelatedtomappingempathyinthebrain,seeBorisC.BernhardtandTaniaSinger,“TheNeuralBasisofEmpathy,”AnnualReviewofNeuroscience35(2012):1–23.

genuinehelpingbehavior:TheresultsoftheircollaborativestudiesonchildrenaswellasnonhumanprimateswerepublishedinFelixWarnekenandMichaelTomasello,“TheRootsofHumanAltruism,”BritishJournalofPsychology100,no.3(2009):455–71.

Studiesalsoshowthatinfants:Theresultsoftheoriginalstudyconductedonsix-month-oldinfantsintheNewHaven,Connecticut,areawerepublishedinJ.KileyHamlin,KarenWynn,andPaulBloom,“SocialEvaluationsbyPreverbalInfants,”Nature450(2007):557–60.

RichardDavidsonhasargued:Davidsonmakesthiscomparisonbetweenournaturalcapacityforlanguageandcompassioninhisvarioustalkswhenpresentinghisteam’sstudiesontheeffectsof

compassionmeditation.

Insummarizingtheirfindings:BrandonJ.Cosley,ShannonK.McCoy,LauraR.Saslow,andElissaS.Epel,“IsCompassionforOthersStressBuffering?ConsequencesofCompassionandSocialSupportforPhysiologicalReactivitytoStress,”JournalofExperimentalSocialPsychology46,no.5(2010):816–23.

studieshaveshown:See,forexample,KristinLayous,S.KatherineNelson,EvaOberle,KimberlyA.Schonert-Reichl,andSonjaLyubomirsky,“KindnessCounts:PromptingProsocialBehaviorinPreadolescentsBoostsPeerAcceptanceandWell-being,”PLoSOne7,no.12(2012):e51380.

However,astudyIwasinvolvedinatStanford’s:ThisstudywasfirstconductedundertheleadershipofStanfordpsychologistBrianKnutsonin2008,andlaterreplicatedwithbrainimagingaswell.Theresultsofthesestudiesarebeingpreparedforpublication.

Acomprehensivestudy:ThisisamultiyearresearchprojectbeingundertakenattheCenterforMindandBrain,UniversityofCalifornia,Davis,withtheneuroscientistCliffordSaronasoneoftheprincipalinvestigators.Forthefindingsrelatedtotheeffectontelomerase,seeT.L.Jacobs,E.S.Epel,J.Lin,E.H.Blackburn,O.M.Wolkowitz,D.A.Bridwell,A.P.Zanescoetal.,“IntensiveMeditationTraining,ImmuneCellTelomeraseActivity,andPsychologicalMediators,”Psychoneuroendocrinology36,no.5(2011):664–81.

AstudyofHarvardundergraduatespreparingfortheGRE:JeremyP.Jamieson,WendyBerryMendes,andMatthewK.Nock,“ImprovingAcuteStressResponses:ThePowerofReappraisal,”CurrentDirectionsinPsychologicalScience22,no.1(2013):51–62.

ArecentstudyfromtheUniversityofChicago:Aformaldescriptionofthestudycanbefoundathttp://news.uchicago.edu/article/2014/02/02/16/aaas-2014-loneliness-major-health-risk-older-adults.SeealsoIanSample,“LonelinessTwiceasUnhealthyasObesityforOlderPeople,StudyFinds,”Guardian,February16,2014.

noonetoconfidein:MillerMcPherson,LynnSmith-Lovin,andMatthewE.Brashears,“SocialIsolationinAmerica:ChangesinCoreDiscussionNetworksoverTwoDecades,”AmericanSociologicalReview71,no.3(2006):353–75.

Aseparate2012Britishstudy:ChristinaR.VictorandA.Bowling,“ALongitudinalAnalysisofLonelinessAmongOlderPeopleinGreatBritain,”JournalofPsychology146,no.3(2012):313–31.

Someresearchershavedubbedthis:See,forexample,JonathanHaidt,“ElevationandthePositivePsychologyofMorality,”inFlourishing:PositivePsychologyandtheLifeWell-Lived,ed.C.L.M.KeyesandJonathanHaidt(Washington,DC:AmericanPsychologicalAssociation,2003),275–89.

Threescientists:SimoneSchnall,JeanRoper,andDanielM.T.Fessler,“ElevationLeadstoAltruisticBehavior,”PsychologicalScience21,no.3(2010):315–20.

Chapter2:TheKeytoSelf-Acceptancepursuitofself-esteemmayhinderlearning:JenniferCrockerandLauraE.Park,“TheCostlyPursuitofSelf-Esteem,”

PsychologicalBulletin130,no.3(2004):392–414.Therewasawomaninherforties:PersonalcommunicationwithEdwardHarpin,apainpsychologist,mindfulnesstrainer,andseniorCCTinstructoratSharpHealthCare,inSanDiego,California.

DalaiLamawasfullyexposedtotheconcept:ThediscussionsfromthisseminalconferenceonBuddhismandpsychotherapywerepublishedunderthetitleWorldsinHarmony:DialoguesonCompassionateAction(Berkeley,CA:ParallaxPress,1992).

Neffhasdevelopedaquestionnaire:ForasystematicpresentationofKristinNeff’sframingofself-

compassionasconstitutedbythreekeydimensions,seeher“Self-Compassion:AnAlternativeConceptualizationofaHealthyAttitudeTowardOneself,”SelfandIdentity2(2003):85–101.Forabook-lengthpresentationofNeff’sunderstandingofself-compassionandhowtocultivateandenhanceit,seeherSelf-Compassion:StopBeatingYourselfUpandLeaveInsecurityBehind(NewYork:HarperCollins,2011).

AstudycomparingtheUnitedStates,Taiwan,andThailandrevealed:KristinNeff,KullayaPisitsungkagarn,andYa-PingHsieh,“Self-CompassionandSelf-ConstrualintheUnitedStates,Thailand,andTaiwan,”JournalofCross-CulturalPsychology39,no.3(2008):267–85.

Ireadanewsstorywithhorror:See,forexample,AmandaRipley,“Teacher,LeaveThoseKidsAlone,”Time,September25,2011.

Astudyconductedonundergraduates:M.R.Leary,E.B.Tate,C.E.Adams,A.B.Allen,andJ.Hancock,“Self-CompassionandReactionstoUnpleasantSelf-RelevantEvents:TheImplicationsofTreatingOneselfKindly,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology92,no.5(2007):887–904.

psychologistsusethetermpathologicalaltruism:See,forexample,BarbaraOakley,ArielKnafo,GuruprasadMadhavan,andDavidSloanWilson,eds.,PathologicalAltruism(Oxford,UK:OxfordUniversityPress,2011).

Culturalpsychologiststellus:See,forexample,HazelRoseMarkusandAlanaConner,Clash!8CulturalConflictsThatMakeUsWhoWeAre(NewYork:HudsonStreetPress,2013).

Chapter3:FromFeartoCourageamongtheintriguingfindings:See,forexample,PaulGilbert,KristinMcEwan,MarcelaMatos,andAmandaRivis,“FearsofCompassion:DevelopmentofThreeSelf-reportMeasures,”Psychology

andPsychotherapy84,no.3(2011):239–55.Hefoundthatmanyofhispatients:PaulGilbert,“Self-CriticismandSelf-Warmth:AnImageryStudyExploringTheirRelationtoDepression,”JournalofCognitivePsychotherapy20,no.2(2006):183.

IfearthatifIstarttofeelcompassionformyself:Therepresentativethoughtsindicatingourfearsrelatedtocompassion,presentedhere,havebeenadaptedfromthemoreextensivelistfoundinGilbertetal.,“FearsofCompassion.”

AstheDalaiLamaoftenremindsus:See,forexample,DalaiLama,BeyondReligion:EthicsforaWholeWorld(NewYork:HoughtonMifflinHarcourt,2011),68.

“IoftengotoaSubwaysandwichshop”:PersonalcommunicationwithRobertMcClure.

Shantideva,theeighth-centuryIndianBuddhistauthor:IntheOxfordWorldClassicstranslation,Shantideva’sversereads,“Whereisthehidetocoverthewholeworld?Thewideworldcanbecoveredwithhideenoughforapairofshoesalone.”Shantideva,TheBodhicaryavatara,ed.PaulWilliams,trans.KateCrosbyandAndrewSkilton(Oxford,UK:OxfordUniversityPress,1995),35.

“Withourthoughtswemaketheworld”:ThomasByrom,trans.,TheDhammapada:TheSayingsoftheBuddha(NewYork:Vintage,2012).

Chapter4:FromCompassiontoActionDoctorswhohavetakencompassiontraining:PersonalcommunicationwithmycolleagueLeahWeiss,oneofthesenior

instructorsoftheStanfordcompassiontraining.“Youareyourownenemy”:ThisquoteisfromUdanavarga(CollectionofAphorisms),attributedtotheBuddhaandtranslatedfromtheTibetanversionofthetext.

Agrandmotherinhersixties:PersonalcommunicationwithEdwardHarpin.

“Isitjustformeorforothers?”:QuotedinDanielGoleman,Focus:TheHiddenDriverofExcellence(NewYork:HarperCollins,2013),258.

egosystemandecosystem:JenniferCrockerandAmyCanevello,“EgosystemandEcosystem:MotivationalPerspectivesonCaregiving,”inMovingBeyondSelf-Interest:PerspectivesfromEvolutionaryBiology,Neuroscience,andtheSocialSciences,eds.StephanieL.Brown,R.MichaelBrown,andLouisA.Penner(NewYork:OxfordUniversityPress,2012),211–23.

what’shelpfulforothers:Ibid.,214.

inthelonghistoryofBuddhistpsychology:WhatIamreferringtohereas“Buddhistpsychology”includesprimarilytheclassicalBuddhistdisciplinecalledabhidharma(literally“manifestknowledge”).Roughly,theabhidharmatextsdealwiththeunderstandingofthestructureandcontentofhumanexperience,includingtherolesvariousemotionsplayinourexperienceofhappinessandsuffering.Thereis,however,anothercategoryofclassicalBuddhistknowledgeknownaspramana,whichcouldberoughlycharacterizedastheBuddhistequivalentofepistemology.Thetextsinthatgenretypicallydealwithquestionsthatarethemainpurviewofcontemporarycognitivescience.

Fromdecadesofmotivationresearch:Foranexcellentsynthesisofthecurrentscientificresearchonmotivationanditsimplications,seeReedW.LarsonandNatalieRusk,“IntrinsicMotivationandPositiveDevelopment,”AdvancesinChildDevelopmentandBehavior41(2011):89–130.

Chapter5:MakingWayforCompassionArecentstudy:MatthewA.KillingsworthandDanielT.Gilbert,“AWanderingMindIsanUnhappy

Mind,”Science330,no.6006(2010):932.Almosthalfthetime:HarvardUniversity,“MindIsaFrequent,butNotHappy,Wanderer:PeopleSpendNearlyHalfTheirWakingHoursThinkingAboutWhatIsn’tGoingOnAroundThem,”ScienceDaily,November12,2010,http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/11/101111141759.htm.

consolidationofmemory:See,forexample,DanielB.Levinson,JonathanSmallwood,andRichardJ.Davidson,“ThePersistenceofThought:EvidenceforaRoleofWorkingMemoryintheMaintenanceofTask-UnrelatedThinking,”PsychologicalScience23,no.4(2012):375–80.

Finally,mindwanderingisimportant:See,forexample,JohnTierney,“DiscoveringtheVirtuesofaWanderingMind,”NewYorkTimes,June28,2010,http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/29/science/29tier.html.

whenoursenseofselfisinvolved:Inarecentpaper,ateamofresearchersonselfwrote:“Whenobjectsandeventsareviewedthroughtheeyesoftheself,stimuliarenolongersimplyobjectiveaspectsoftheworld,buttheytypicallybecomeemotionallycolored,andtherebymoreintimatelyrelatedtoone’ssenseofself.”GeorgeNorthoff,AlexanderHeinzel,MoritzdeGreck,FelixBermpohl,HenrikDobrowolny,andJakPanksepp,“Self-ReferentialProcessinginOurBrain—AMeta-analysisofImagingStudiesontheSelf,”NeuroImage31,no.1(2006):441.SeealsoSethJ.GillihanandMarthaJ.Farah,“IsSelfSpecial?ACriticalReviewofEvidencefromExperimentalPsychologyandCognitiveNeuroscience,”PsychologicalBulletin131,no.1(2005):76–97.

Arecentstudy,involvingsevenhundred:T.D.Wilson,D.A.Reinhard,E.C.Westgate,D.T.Gilbert,N.Ellerbeck,C.Hahn,C.L.Brown,andA.Shaked,“SocialPsychology.JustThink:TheChallengesofaDisengagedMind,”Science345,no.6192(2014):75–77.Forareviewofthisstudyanditsrelationtoourcontemporarydigitallyinvasivelifestyle,seeKateMurphy,“NoTimetoThink,”NewYorkTimes,July25,

2014.

Chapter6:GettingUnstucksomethingcalledanukampa:TheTibetanequivalentofthisSanskrittermisjesutsewa,whichliterallymeans“tocareafter.”

“Ihavealwaysbeenareallyshyperson”:PersonalcommunicationwithRobertMcClure.

“Wishing:Ingladnessandinsafety”:AmaravatiSangha,“KaraniyaMettaSutta:TheBuddha’sWordsonLoving-Kindness,”AccesstoInsight(LegacyEdition),November2,2013,http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/snp/snp.1.08.amar.html.

instructionsfromSalzberg:Foralucidpresentationofloving-kindnessmeditationasstudiedbyFredricksonandherteam,seeSharonSalzberg,Loving-Kindness:TheRevolutionaryArtofHappiness(Boston:Shambhala,2002).

“Thefindingsareclear-cut”:BarbaraL.Fredrickson,MichaelA.Cohn,KimberlyA.Coffey,JolynPek,andSandraM.Finkel,“OpenHeartsBuildLives:PositiveEmotions,InducedThroughLoving-KindnessMeditation,BuildConsequentialPersonalResources,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology95,no.5(2008):1045–62.

“Simplyput,byelevatingdailyexperiencesof”:Ibid.,1057.

Comparedtothoseinthewait-listedgroup:B.E.Kok,K.A.Coffey,M.A.Cohn,L.I.Catalino,T.Vacharkulksemsuk,S.B.Algoe,M.Brantley,andB.L.Fredrickson,“HowPositiveEmotionsBuildPhysicalHealth:PerceivedPositiveSocialConnectionsAccountfortheUpwardSpiralBetweenPositiveEmotionsandVagalTone,”PsychologicalScience24,no.7(2013):1123–32.

“Everyinteractionwehave”:QuotedinMaiaSzalavitz,“TheBiologyofKindness:HowItMakesUsHappierandHealthier,”Time,May9,2013.

“AsforsufferingIdonotwisheventheslightest”:PanchenLobsangChögyen,LamaChöpa(CelebratingtheGuru),awell-knownTibetanversetext.

increasedprosocialbehavior:See,forexample,R.A.EmmonsandM.E.McCullough,“CountingBlessingsVersusBurdens:AnExperimentalInvestigationofGratitudeandSubjectiveWell-beinginDailyLife,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology84,no.2(2010):377–89;andR.A.SansoneandL.A.Sansone,“GratitudeandWellBeing:TheBenefitsofAppreciation,”Psychiatry7,no.11(2010):18–22.Forareviewofscientificresearchongratitudeanditstherapeuticeffects,seeR.A.EmmonsandR.Stern,“GratitudeasaPsychotherapeuticIntervention,”JournalofClinicalPsychology69,no8(2013):846–55.

“WhetherIwasinherwomb”:ThuptenJinpa,trans.,MindTraining:TheGreatCollection(Boston:WisdomPublications,2006),301.

AlthoughIhaveneverdonethepractice:ForanintroductiontothisJapanesemeditationpractice,seeNaikan:Gratitude,Grace,andtheJapaneseArtofSelf-Reflection(Berkeley,CA:StoneBridgePress,2001),byGreggKrech,whoisassociatedwiththeToDoInstitute,aNaikaneducationandretreatcenterinVermont.

animportantbenefitofsuffering:TheBodhicaryavatara,6:21.TheOxfordWorldClassicstranslationreads:“Thevirtueofsufferinghasnorival,since,fromtheshockitcauses,intoxicationfallsawayandtherearisescompassionforthoseincycleofexistence.”

“Itisthroughweaknessandvulnerability”:DesmondTutu,GodHasaDream:AVisionofHopeforOurTime(NewYork:Doubleday,2004),37.

Chapter7:“MayIBeHappy”

DrawingontheworkofJohnBowlbyandMaryAinsworth:Foracomprehensiveintroductiontoattachmenttheory,seeM.MikulincerandP.R.Shaver,AttachmentinAdulthood:Structure,Dynamics,andChange(NewYork:GuilfordPress,2007).

ourcapacitytosootheourselves:Forareviewofthesefindings,seePaulGilbertandSueProcter,“CompassionateMindTrainingforPeoplewithHighShameandSelf-Criticism:OverviewandPilotStudyofaGroupTherapyApproach,”ClinicalPsychology&Psychotherapy13,no.6(2006):353–79.

Oneclassparticipantputitlikethis:PersonalcommunicationwithRobertMcClure.

thelanguageof“observation”:Onlearningtodistinguishbetweenthelanguageofobservationandjudgment,seeMarshallB.Rosenberg,NonviolentCommunication:ALanguageofLife(Encinitas,CA:PuddleDancerPress,2004),especiallyChapter3.

Inaremarkablebook,DavidKelley:TomKelleyandDavidKelley,CreativeConfidence:UnleashingtheCreativePotentialWithinUsAll(NewYork:CrownBusiness,2014),especiallytheintroductionandChapter2.

“Animportantaspectofself-compassion”:Rosenberg,NonviolentCommunication,134.

“helpsuslearn”:Ibid.,133.Foracompellingexplanationofhowself-forgiveness,notguiltorself-harshness,increasesaccountabilityandhelpsonerecoverfromhermistakes,seeKellyMcGonigal,TheWillpowerInstinct(NewYork:Avery,2012),chapter6.

developingacompassionateimage:GilbertandProcter,“CompassionateMindTraining,”363.

“Benefactorheremeans”:JohnMakransky,AwakeningThroughLove:UnveilingYourDeepestGoodness(Boston:WisdomPublications,2007),22.Forthosewiththeisticreligiouspersuasions,thereflectionsofferedinDesmondTutu’sbookGodHasaDream,especiallyChapterThree,“GodLovesYouasYouAre,”canbeadaptedasapowerfulpersonalpracticeonself-acceptanceandself-kindness.

Acolleaguewhoisaseniorinstructor:PersonalcommunicationwithMargaretCullen,aseniorCCTinstructorandcertifiedmindfulnessinstructor.

AmongtheveteransatthePaloAltoresidentialtreatmentcenter:PersonalcommunicationwithLeahWeiss.

AmotherinaCCTworkshop:PersonalcommunicationwithMargaretCullen.

Chapter8:“JustLikeMe”InTheHeartofAltruism:KristenRenwickMonroe,TheHeartofAltruism:PerceptionsofaCommonHumanity(Princeton,NJ:PrincetonUniversityPress,1996).

“countrylifeofDutchworkers”:Ibid.,105.

“Ahumanbeingwhoislyingonthefloor”:Ibid.,206.

“Youhelppeoplebecauseyouarehuman”:Ibid.

Awomanwhowasateachertrainee:PersonalcommunicationwithRobertMcClure.

thewayparticipantsfeltabouttheirtappingpartner:PiercarloValdesoloandDavidDeSteno,“SynchronyandtheSocialTuningofCompassion,”Emotion11,no.2(2011):262–66.

“Thereisnothingspecialabouttapping”:DavidDeSteno,“CompassionMadeEasy,”NewYorkTimes,July14,2012.

AcolleagueatStanford:AlexanderGenevsky,DanielVästfjäll,PaulSlovic,andBrianKnutson,“NeuralUnderpinningsoftheIdentifiableVictimEffect:AffectShiftsPreferencesforGiving,”Journalof

Neuroscience33,no.43(2013):17188–96.

IheardamovingstoryfrommycolleagueLeahWeiss:PersonalcommunicationwithLeahWeiss.

“Iwasdealingwithaverychallenging”:PersonalcommunicationwithRobertMcClure.

AstheTibetanmind-trainingteachersremindus:TheTibetan“mindtraining”referstoagenreofspiritualwritingsandtheirassociatedpractices,whichfocusontrainingourmindandhearttowardamorealtruisticoutlookandconduct.Twowell-knowntextsofthisclassareEightVersesforTrainingtheMindandTheSeven-PointMindTraining.ForanEnglishtranslationofselectedkeymind-trainingtexts,seeThuptenJinpa,trans.,EssentialMindTraining(Boston:WisdomPublications,2011).

themarveloustechniqueoflifecycleanalysis:Foranexampleofhowtoapplylifecycleanalysisineverydaylifeanditssocialandenvironmentalimpact,visithttp://practicalaction.org/product-lifecycle-analysis.

“mustbetofreeourselves”:Asfoundinaletterfrom1950andquotedintheNewYorkTimes,March29,1972.AdifferentversionofthesamequoteisfoundinAliceCalaprice,TheNewQuotableEinstein(Princeton,NJ:PrincetonUniversityPress,2005),206.

Tonglenisapracticewecanapply:ForaconciseandlucidpresentationoftonglenpracticebyacontemporaryWesternBuddhistteacher,seePemaChödrön,ThePlacesThatScareYou:AGuidetoFearlessnessinDifficultTimes(Boston:Shambhala,2001),70–78.

OneCCTtrainee,asixty-four-year-oldhospitalchaplain:PersonalcommunicationwithRobertMcClure.

Shantidevaaskedthesamequestion:TheBodhicaryavatara,8:104–6.

Chapter9:GreaterWell-BeingInaseriesofpapers:CarolD.Ryff,“HappinessIsEverything,orIsIt?ExplorationsontheMeaningofPsychologicalWell-being,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology57,no.6(1989):1069–81;andCarolD.RyffandBurtonSinger,“TheContoursofPositiveHuman

Health,”PsychologicalInquiry9,no.1(1998):1–28.“controlacomplexarrayofactivities”:Ryff,“HappinessIsEverything,”1072.

Amiddle-ageddoctor:PersonalcommunicationwithEdwardHarpin.

inthehigh-responsibilitygroup:ThisstudyanditsfindingsarecitedinDanielGilbert,StumblingonHappiness(NewYork:AlfredA.Knopf,2006),Chapter1.Thefindingsofthisstudyareformallypresentedbyitsauthors,E.LangerandJ.Rodin,in“TheEffectofChoiceandEnhancedPersonalResponsibilityfortheAged:AFieldExperimentinanInstitutionalSetting,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology34,no.2(1976):191–98.

definedas“thecapacitytoovercome”:AnthonyD.Ong,C.S.Bergeman,andStevenM.Boker,“ResilienceComesofAge:DefiningFeaturesinLaterAdulthood,”JournalofPersonality77,no.6(2009):1782.

Studiesalsoshowgreaterego-resiliency:See,forexample,B.L.Fredrickson,M.M.Tugade,C.E.Waugh,andG.R.Larkin,“WhatGoodArePositiveEmotionsinCrises?AProspectiveStudyofResilienceandEmotionsFollowingTerroristAttacksontheUnitedStatesonSeptember11th,2001,”JournalofPersonalityandSocialPsychology84,no.2(2003):365–76.

“Ifsomethingcanbedone”:TheBodhicaryavatara,6:10.

foundarobustimpactonemotionregulation:HooriaJazaieri,KellyMcGonigal,ThuptenJinpa,James

R.Doty,JamesJ.Gross,andPhilippeR.Goldin,“ARandomizedControlledTrialofCompassionCultivationTraining:EffectsonMindfulness,Affect,andEmotionRegulation,”MotivationandEmotion38,no.1(2014):23–35.AstudyatEmoryUniversityofundergraduatesparticipatinginasix-weekcompassiontraining,similartoCCT,foundreductioninsubjectiveandphysiologicalresponsestopsychosocialstress.SeeThaddeusW.W.Pace,LobsangTenzinNegi,CharlesL.Raison,DanielD.Adame,StevenP.Cole,TeresaI.Sivilli,TimothyD.Brown,andMichaelJ.Issa,“EffectofCompassionMeditationonNeuroendocrine,InnateImmuneandBehavioralResponsestoPsychosocialStress,”Psychoneuroendocrinology34,no.1(2009):87–98.

“individualsinfluencewhichemotions”:JamesJ.Gross,“TheEmergingFieldofEmotionRegulation:AnIntegrativeReview,”ReviewofGeneralPsychology2,no.3(1998):275.

“associatedwithincreasedstressrelatedsymptoms”:Jazaierietal.,“ARandomizedControlledTrial,”25.

EmotionRegulationQuestionnaire:Ibid.

wepossessakindofinnate“moralgrammar”:Thislineofthinkingiscogentlydevelopedin,forexample,MarcHauser,MoralMinds:HowNatureDesignedOurUniversalSenseofRightandWrong(NewYork:EccoPress,2006).AlthoughseriousquestionshavebeenraisedabouttheintegrityofsomeofHauser’sexperiments,Ifindtheoverallargumentofthebookcompelling.

HisHolinessmakesapowerfulcase:DalaiLama,EthicsfortheNewMillennium(NewYork:RiverheadBooks,1999);andBeyondReligion.IhadtheprivilegetoassisttheDalaiLamainthewritingofbothoftheseimportantbooks.

Chapter10:MoreCourage,LessStress,GreaterFreedomInhisinfluentialbook:DanielKahneman,Thinking,FastandSlow(NewYork:Farrar,Strausand

Giroux,2011).“Atonepoint,weallconsciouslydecided”:CharlesH.Duhigg,ThePowerofHabit:WhyWeDoWhatWeDoinLifeandBusiness(NewYork:RandomHouse,2012),12.

Thebirthofnewneurons:Foranengagingaccountoftheimportantscientificdiscoveryofneuroplasticityanditsimplicationsforhealingandpersonaltransformation,seeNormanDoidge,TheBrainThatChangesItself:StoriesofPersonalTriumphfromtheFrontiersofBrainScience(NewYork:PenguinBooks,2007).

Atsixty-nine,Susanhadbeendepressed:PersonalcommunicationwithMargaretCullen.

anintimateconnectionbetweenourperceptionsandemotions:Foraninsightfulaccountofcontemporaryscientificfindingsonhowouremotionsaffectourthoughtsandlife,seeRichardJ.DavidsonandSharonBegley,TheEmotionalLifeofYourBrain:HowItsUniquePatternsAffectHowYouThink,Feel,andLive—AndHowYouCanChangeThem(NewYork:HudsonStreetPress,2012).

Therearethreetypesofforbearance:Chapter6ofShantideva’sTheWayoftheBodhisattvacontainsamasterfulpresentationofthepsychologyofforbearanceanditscultivation.Foradetailedexpositionofthisimportantchapter,seeDalaiLama,HealingAnger:ThePowerofPatiencefromaBuddhistPerspective,trans.ThuptenJinpa(Ithaca,NY:SnowLion,1997).

Chapter11:ThePowerofOne“nomanisanisland”:FromJohnDonne’spoemDevotionsuponEmergentOccasions.Thefulllinereads,“Nomanisan

island,entireofitself.”hesaidstayinginempathywasexhausting:PersonalcommunicationwithMatthieuRicard.Ricardhas

recentlypublished,inFrench,amajorbookonaltruismtitledPlaidoyerpourl’altruisme:Laforcedelabienveillance.

thepreliminaryresultsshow:PersonalcommunicationwithJaninaL.Scarlet.ThisinternalstudywasconductedbyScarlet,measuringtheeffectsofcompassiontrainingusing,amongothers,JobSatisfactionScale,InterpersonalConflictScale,andSelf-CompassionScale.ThecoursesweretaughtbyRobertMcClureandEdwardHarpin,twoprominentmembersofSharpHealthCare,whowerebothtrainedasseniorCCTinstructors.

manyschoolsinNorthAmerica:Formoreinformationonsocialemotionallearning(SEL)anditskeycomponents,seehttp://www.casel.org/social-and-emotional-learning.ForarecentreviewoftheimpactofSELprograms,seeJ.A.Durlak,R.P.Weissberg,A.B.Dymnicki,R.D.Taylor,andK.B.Schellinger,“TheImpactofEnhancingStudents’SocialandEmotionalLearning:AMeta-analysisofSchool-BasedUniversalInterventions,”ChildDevelopment82,no.1(2011):405–32.

Arecentstudyofatwelve-weekmindfulness-basedkindnesscurriculum:L.Fook,S.B.Goldberg,L.Pinger,andR.J.Davidson,“PromotingProsocialBehaviorandSelf-RegulatorySkillsinPreschoolChildrenThroughaMindfulness-BasedKindnessCurriculum,”DevelopmentPsychology,November10,2014.

Theprogram,knownasMaClasse,ZonedePaix:OthersourcesfortheZonedePaixprogramincludeadaptationsofbasicBuddhist-derivedbreathingandvisualizationpractices,andSuraHartandVictoriaKindleHodson’sNVC-basedprogramforschoolstitledTheNo-FaultClassroom:ToolstoResolveConflict&FosterRelationshipIntelligence(Encinitas,CA:PuddleDancerPress,2008).In2010TaraWilke,PhD,joinedtheZonedePaixprogramandhashelpeddevelopitfurtherwithSophie.

“Judgment,criticisms,diagnosis,andinterpretations”:Rosenberg,NonviolentCommunication,52.

teachfundamentalhumanvalues:DalaiLama,BeyondReligion,Chapter1.

theUniversityofMichiganhasbeenhometoaninterestinginitiative:Foradescriptionofthisresearchoncompassioninanorganizationalsetting,visitwww.thecompassionlab.com.

CEOcompensationintheUnitedStates:LawrenceMishelandAlyssaDavis,“CEOPayContinuestoRiseasTypicalWorkersArePaidLess,”EconomicPolicyInstitute,IssueBrief#380,June12,2014.

Today,evensomeeconomistswarn:See,forexample,ThomasPiketty,CapitalintheTwenty-firstCentury(Cambridge,MA:HarvardUniversityPress,2014).ForanexcellentreviewbyaneconomicsNobellaureate,identifyingandevaluatingsomeofthekeythesesofPiketty’sbook,seePaulKrugman,“ThePikettyPanic,”NewYorkTimes,April25,2014;and“IsPikettyAllWrong?”NewYorkTimes,May24,2014.

“NothingIhaveseenorexperienced”:AsquotedinMichaelManton,Camellia:TheLawrieInheritance(Kent,UK:Camelliaplc,2000).

“Asacommercialenterprise,profitsareofnecessityofhighpriority”:CharlesHandy,Camellia:AVeryDifferentCompany.In-housepublicationoftheCamelliaFoundation,2013.

“Simplybecauseit’ssuffering”:TheBodhicaryavatara,8:102.

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