8.2

4 Goals of Misbehavior

ATTENTION

Need:  Connect  Child  thinks:  I  only  count  when  I’m  noticed.  

Parent  Feels:  Irritated  &  Annoyed  

Encourage:  Replace  negative  attention  with  positive attention.  Plan  activities  together.  Don’t ignore  child;  ignore  unwanted  behavior.  

Child  feels:  I  belong.  

POWER

Need:  Capable  Child  thinks:  my  strength  is  in  showing  you  that  you  can’t  make  me.  

Parent  Feels:  Angry  &  Challenged  

Encourage:  Give  choices  so  child  can  display  power  constructively.  Maintain  a  friendly  attitude.    

Child  feels:  I  can  do  it.  

REVENGE

Need:  Count    Child  thinks:  I  knew  you  were  against  me.  I’ll  show  you  how  it  feels.  

Parent  Feels:  Hurt  &  Wants  to  punish  

Encourage:  Maintain  appreciation  in  relationship.  Offer  chances  to  help.  Seek  support  and  help  in  identifying  positives.  Don’t  give  up.    

Child  feels:  I  matter.  I  can  make  a  difference  

GIVING UP

Need:  Courage  Child  thinks:  I  can’t  do  anything  right,  so  I  won’t  try.  

Parent  Feels:  Despair  &  Hopelessness  

Encourage:  Notice  strengths  and  ignore  the  negative.  Set  up  steady  exposure  to  manageable  tasks  that  have  a  likelihood  of  success.  Avoid  criticism.  

Child  feels:  I  can  handle  what  comes.