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Do recovering people have more trouble in their romanticpartnerships than their non-addicted friends or does it just seem thatway? Partnerships are built on commitment and intimacy. For manyrecovering people this represents uncharted territory or landscapesfilled with hurtful experiences. Addiction is a family disease and mostrecovering people come from homes where healthy relationships

were not modeled. Healing has to happen and new skills have to belearned. When addiction enters the picture, personal developmentcomes to a screeching halt, which leaves many recovering peoplea little behind the curve. Getting life back on track takes time andconsiderable work. Yet a committed loving relationship with anotherperson is one of life’s great pleasures and one that many want toexperience. Most will agree that it is worth the extra effort. A littlehelp and a game plan are needed.

Commitment as discussed here is an agreement to show upphysically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually in a partner’s life,and work through life’s challenges together. Intimacy, the othercomponent in personal relationships, describes emotional awareness— the honest sharing of hopes dreams and expectations as well as

fears and anxieties. Intimacy depends on feelings, having the abilityto identify them, and the willingness to share them with anotherperson. Recovery offers an opportunity to heal from the past andpresents the possibility to build healthy happy partnerships despitethe individual’s previous track record.

Five Stages of Relationship

Relationships are dynamic. They are living, breathing, humaninteractions and full of surprises. Besides the day-to-day changes,relationships go through developmental stages as well. This cancause concern when couples realize the ground is shifting but do notknow that the changes are healthy and normal — even transforming.Here are the five stages most relationships pass through over time.

Honeymoon or Pink Cloud The honeymoon stage is like the pink cloud of early recovery. Iis an ideal time when life seems filled with possibilities. Oftethis is a time relatively free from worry or concern — the persois in love with life itself. In a relationship this ideal time can lasas long as several years or be as brief as the dash from the altar t

the limousine waiting outside the church. One thing is certainsooner or later the honeymoon ends and the next stage sets in — thpower struggle.

Power StruggleA healthy relationship is a mixture of individuality and togethernesThe power struggle follows the intense bonding stage of thhoneymoon or pink cloud as the need for individuality reasserts itselThis struggle can last a brief time while a balance point betwee“self and other” are found or get caught up in it for the rest of threlationship. Growing past the power struggle depends on personmaturity, the abilities brought into the partnership, and a willingnesto learn new skills.

Resolution The power struggle is like two mules pulling in opposite directioneach trying to get to a bale of hay that is right in front of their nose— partners cannot get what they need or want. If childhood traumis involved, resolution can require the help of a therapist. This often the case when addiction is part of the family history. Whethe struggle is resolved, couples are free to be about the businesbuilding a life together as well as pursuing personal hopes andreams. With resolution comes the gift of serenity.

Serenity Serenity takes us deeper into ourselves and enriches the relationshipConflicts continue to arise throughout life, but couples have tru

On Track On Track 

Recovering

Relationships

by Mary Faulkner, M.A

 Besides the day-to-day changes, relationships go through

developmental stages as well. This can cause concern when couples

realize the ground is shifting but do not know that the changes are

healthy and normal — even transforming.

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and skills to deal with them creatively. Partners have come to knoweach other’s deepest fears, greatest shortcomings, as well as eachother’s qualities, and have accepted the whole of one another. Theybegin to experience unconditional love.

Unconditional Love Couples often talk of falling in love all over again as a result of havinglearned to work together navigating life’s challenges. Just as recoveryteaches, unconditional love is only possible when we know andaccept ourselves.

Ending the Power Struggle

The power struggle is a natural part of a healthy relationship — partof the human condition. It neither has to be destructive, nor lastforever. Here are five helpful suggestions on how to navigate thestormy years without jumping ship or sinking the boat.

Upgrading SkillsEven the most intense disagreements can be settled with a fewsimple conflict resolution techniques. Sometimes the solution is toagree to disagree for the time being, yet serenity can be experiencedin the meantime. Conflict resolution materials can be found atthe library, bookstore, or online. You can improve communication,

become more adept at recognizing and sharing emotions, even learnhow to fight fair. Disagreeing is natural and healthy but should notlead to destructive behaviors such as name-calling, withholdingaffection, ridicule, shame, violence or threats of violence. If any ofthese behaviors become part of your relationship, you are probablycaught in your family of origin dynamics.

Completing the Family BusinessThe most serious disagreements are usually about the past, notthe present — meaning past relations with family of origin, notcurrent relations with a partner. A healthy, satisfying relationshiprequires taking care of family business by resolving the oldconflicts. This can be accomplished by working appropriate 12-Step

programs such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) program,Codependency Anonymous (CoDA), Al-Anon, Recovering CouplesAnonymous (RCA) or with a therapist. It is difficult to heal familystuff alone. Similar to a sponsor in addiction recovery, a relationshipsponsor can help clarify a partnership issue. A relationship sponsoris not a marriage counselor, but helps identify what is happening inthe relationship.

If the individual does not resolve the family business, the childhoodexperiences will continue to define adult relationships. Theindividual will either act out the old patterns learned growingup, or strive to not act them out. In either case, the person willnot be living in the present moment, not living truth. Currentdisagreements can be resolved if disagreements from the past have

been resolved. Resolving these differences may take considerablenegotiation, but they do not carry the anger, pain, and resentmentof family of origin material.

Creating New RitualsRituals bind us together. The power of ritual explains why goinghome for Thanksgiving dinner with your family can be traumatic yet

 you show up despite the negative consequences. Going against theestablished tradition feels like betrayal. At the same time, creatingnew rituals is part of updating your system — it gets you into yourpresent life and into your present relationship. Recovering therapistand family expert John Bradshaw reminds us that in healthy familieswe are allowed to grow up and leave home.

Couples might enjoy designing holidays together in ways that workfor both partners — taking what they liked from their childhoodexperiences and leaving the rest. Not wanting the chaos fromchildhood is a starting point, but they should clearly define whatthey want. For example: “I want a simple Thanksgiving meal with afew friends, and to go to my regular evening meeting.” Approachinga holiday with different expectations is not a problem when theexpectations are discussed in advance. It gets easier as the trustbetween the two builds.

Going for a walk, attending a meeting, or simply by sharing a mealtogether can all become rituals when they are made a regular part ofthe relationship. It is important to commit to a time and place and afew ground rules such as keeping time together positive rather thanalways trouble-shooting. Rituals need consistency, and also breathingspace. To keep them from becoming command performances includeenough flexibility to accommodate each person’s needs.

 A Vision for the CoupleThe founders of A.A. had a vision. When recovering addicts readthe vision in the Big Book, they feel a sense of unity and purpose.Creating a vision for a partnership sets intention and guides decisions.Coming up with a vision statement is a process of blending each

partner’s deepest longings and greatest desires. A vision statementis always inclusive, never exclusive. One recovering couple whosehopes and dreams seemed very different eventually came up withthis statement: “This is a family in which everyone’s needs can bemet.” They agreed they would handle challenges on a case-by-casebasis. Their recipe for success includes prayer, applying programprinciples, and improving their conflict resolution skills. The visionstatement should be concise. A lot can be packed in it, but it shouldbe brief and to the point.

Principle Before PersonalitiesThe Steps and Traditions of 12-Step recovery provide guidancefor handling all life’s challenges. They are particularly valuablein those inevitable personality-clashing moments. Principles canhold disagreements to a minimum, and help avoid destructivefighting. Like a good sponsor, they teach by drawing the best out ofthe person.

Life continues to present new challenges — life on life’s terms, as thesaying goes. It is difficult to know what the future holds, but living by

principles connects the wisdom of the ages and offers what is neededto resolve conflicts along the way. Situations change from generationto generation, but principles endure.

Mary Faulkner  earned a master’s degree in Religious Education through a joint program at Scarritt Graduate School and Vanderbilt University in Nashville, TN. Sheis an author, therapist, public speaker, and offers retreats and workshops. Her mostrecent books are The Easy Does It Dating Guide for People in Recovery  (Hazelden, 2004), The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Catholicism  (Alpha, 2006),and The Easy Does It Relationship Guide for People in Recovery  (Hazelden, 2007).Faulkner is a counselor in the Family Program at Cumberland Heights in NashvilleTennessee — an alcohol and drug treatment center offering out patient and residentialservices for individuals and families. She can be reached by email Mary_Faulkner@cumberlandheights.org or by calling (615) 383-4449.

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The most serious disagreements are usually about the

 past, not the present — meaning past relations with

 family of origin, not current relations with a partner.