2010-2011 Issue I

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

1/20

Y ear I I I - I ssue I

GTHE rifter

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

2/20

G

Comment - Debate - PolitiCs - arts - Creative FiCtion - Community - year iii - issue i - theGrifter

theGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGrifter



C O N T E N T S

WHAT REVOLUTION ? 2

NICK MEDLINE

COMMENT CARTOON 4

MICHAEL LEMANSKI

EDUCATION 4

MICHAEL LEMANSKI

THE BOOST 9

MACKENZIE GILMORE

REID KERR-KELLER

ISALIENTHE STOMPING 10

GROUND FOR

DIRRECTORIAL GENIUS ?

ANDREW SAVORY

LUCKY GUY 11

SPENCER BARTON

MODERN LOVE 13

DANIEL DAVIDSON-KALMAR

EAR WAXED 14

JACK GROSS

HOLLY ROLLER 15

ANDREW MCCONNELL

ANTIDRUG 17

PATRICK COFFEY

PUZZLES AND CODES 18

E D I T O R I A L B O A R D

C O N T R I B U T O R S

Nick Medline

Managing Editor

Michael Lemanski

Design and Layout Editor

Spencer Barton

Patrick Coffey

Daniel Davidson-

Kalmar

Mackenzie Gilmore

Jack Gross

Reid Kerr-Keller

Michael Lemanski

Andrew McConnell

Nick Medline

Andrew Savory

F A C U L T Y A D V I S O R

Ms. J. Somerville, English Department

A R T I S T I C C R E D I T S

All photographs from the RSGC Gallery.

Covers adapted by Michael Lemanski from

RSGC Gallery photographs.

All illustrations by Michael Lemanski.

The Ofcial RSGC Student Publication

- 1 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

3/20

G





W H A T

R E V O L U T I O N ?

NICK MEDLINE

U n d e r g r o u n d i s c o o l .

U n d e r m i n i n g i s n o t .

On March 3rd, I was preparing

to leave a rst-oor workspace

when one of my peers entered.

We shared a brief, unimportant

discussion, and then I noticed a

paper he had laid down on his

desk. On it was the word smok-

ing- this jumped out- and several

edits, closely resembling those I

normally receive before The Grifter

is printed. I expected this to be a

eeting moment of paranoia and

continued to pack my textbooks.

He turned towards me, though,

and asked a question something

along the lines of Are you in-

volved with The Grifteranymore?

Yes, I replied, Ive told Michael

to continue making announce-

ments and weve begged for arti-cles over the past two months, but

no one is writing, so I mean, what

can you do? He nodded and I ex-

ited the room. Not long after this

encounter, perhaps on the subway

northbound, it hit me: something

strange was in the works. In need

of clarication, I sent the student

a message, wondering whether he

was making it his own business to

collect articles. An hour later, he

responded, informing me of an

underground effort he planned

to resurrect. In the best interestsof privacy, I will not reveal any

specic content of this message.

It did, however, conclude with the

following words: Clandestinely

yours, The Chairman*. He also

assured me it was nothing per-

sonal and that I must not tell

anyone. (I did pretty well on that

front.) This valediction assured me

that the rise ofLe Bonheurwould

be nothing less than bizarre.

You will be hard pressed to nd

someone who dislikes the concept

of an underground newspaper.

Sneaking behind the administra-

tion to write articles that critique

school policy is an attractive idea-

albeit one that would inevitably

result in consequences should the

editor be exposed. On February7th, a grade nine student sent me

a piece and asked if his identity

could be hidden. It was uidly

written, but there were comments

unsuitable for The Grifter. I was

compelled to decline his work, as

throughout last year, I was con-

tinually made aware that both our

staff supervisor and the adminis-

tration must approve each article.

After digesting The Chairmans

message, I grew skeptical of its

prospects for success. It was dis-

tressing that The Chairman hadmade a concerted effort to hide this

while Michael and I searched for

anything that could be published,

but at the time, this was none of

my business. Despite my concern,

I made the mistake of assuming

The Grifter and Le Bonheur would

coexist peacefully as separate

publicationsone sanctioned by

the school, the other kept a secret.

The problem is that Le Bonheur

is not an underground newspa-

per. At some point on the day I

stumbled upon The Chairmans

plans, he ipped copies of the

edited articles to Mr. Fitzpatrick

and Dr. Leatch. The following

day, the two met and quickly de-

termined that the content was

not even remotely inappropriate.Upon realizing Le Bonheur had

been sent to the administration,

its development quickly became

an issue. The process was iden-

tical, the articles could all have

been included in The Grifter, but

The Chairman appeared xed on

C O M M E N T A R Y

- 2 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

4/20

G





creating his personal project. As

the mystery unravels, it is still un-

clear why the creation ofLe Bon-

heurwas necessary. Underground

is cool. Undermining is not.

I arranged to meet with The

Chairman on March 9th intend-

ing to generate discussion, which,judging from the attempt to hide

Le Bonheur, was something he had

hoped to avoid. The meeting last-

ed for over an hour, and it shed

light on a few interesting details.

I still wonder why the Chairman

chose to start his own newspaper

rather than aid and improve the

struggling Grifter. Michael and I

had held two fairly well attend-

ed meetings in January and of-fered gift cards to new writers in

hopes of kindling enthusiasm, but

our deadline passed quietly with

merely three submissions. There

were ve articles in the rst edi-

tion ofLe Bonheur. Had they been

submitted to The Grifter, I would

have accepted all ve without

hesitation. Names would have

been included in this scenario,

but if the content is deemed ap-

propriate, what is there to hide?

For those who may have been

absent, on March 11th, Le Bon-

heur was released. I enjoyed the

innocuous satire (a nice change

of pace) and felt relieved to learn

that I am not the only person

who has dreamt of Arshia Hayat-

Davoudi. As he distributed cop-

ies ofLe Bonheur, The Chairman

remarked, I can print what I

want! No one said otherwise. Le

Bonheurdoes not break any rules,

but that does not make it all right.

The odds of preserving anonym-

ity at RSGC, for any project, are

slim (our motto is Known and

Loved, after all). This becomes

especially difcult when writers

barge into your classroom shout-

ing, Yo, Ill get you the thing

later and you respond with a

supportive thumb up. Anonymity,

ironically, is entirely self-serving.The whole scenario brought to

mind one of my favourite epi-

sodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm,

a television series that revolves

around Larry David, the deluded,

obscene, but ultimately insightful

creator of Seinfeld. After donat-

ing money to the NRDC, Larry

is having a wing named after him.

He attends the ceremony, and

notices that the other wing had

been donated by Anonymous.

His wife Cheryl whispers in his

ear, I know who it is. Its Ted

(Danson). Ted is anonymous.

Larry quickly discovers that ev-

eryone at the event is aware of

Teds anonymous contribu-

tion, and Senator Barbara Boxer

praises Ted for his selessness

while ignoring the disgruntled

Larry. Youre either anonymous

or youre not! cries Larry, and

he makes a valid point.Le Bonheur

now has its own e-mail account,

a website may be launched, andit persists with faux anonym-

ity. When does the game end?

The intentions ofLe Bonheurmay

have been harmless. All I know

is that on March 3rd, while The

Grifter struggled to make any

headway, I realized that The

Chairman had taken on the re-

sponsibility of editing a school-

sanctioned publication. It felt likean exercise in humiliation. The

impotence of failing to produce

The Grifter was nothing in com-

parison with the seeming betrayal

that culminated in Le Bonheur.

Our school newspaper was at-

tempting to collect articles, and

instead of joining a collaborative

effort, The Chairman found it an

ideal opportunity to launch an

individual project. Some things

are better left above ground.

From Spencer Bartons haunt-

ing portrait of a homeless man

living on city streets, to Andrew

Savorys discovery of a link be-

- 3 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

5/20

G





tween prominent lm directors, to

Patrick Coffeys provocative slam

poetry, this edition of The Grifter

balances creativity and investiga-

tion. I look forward to receiving

submissions for future issues, and

hope we can generate enough

momentum to greatly quicken the

frequency of printing. We should

be proud to put our names on our

articles; we have nothing to hide.

7. Thou shall steal

Dont listen to counter-revolutionary

media; they are the hallucinogen consum-

ing tool of Al Qaeda!

C O M M E N T C A R T O O N S

MICHAEL LEMANSKI

E D U C A T I O N

MICHAEL LEMANSKI

T h e m i n d i s n o t a v e s s e l

t o b e f i l l e d , b u t a f i r e t o

b e k i n d l e d .

Such a view of education, as ex-

pressed by the Greek philosopher

Plutarch, reminds us of its time-

less virtue and innite value. For

all its diverse forms and natural

complexities, education can be

thought of in terms of a single

wordpotential. It is therefore

unsurprising that this process has

become the cornerstone of our

contemporary society. In Canada

we pride ourselves in having one

of the best education systems in

the world as measured by numer-

- 4 -

This speech was given by Michael at the National Public Speaking Championships

held at St. Johns Ravenscourt School this past February.

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

6/20

G





ous studies, surveys and rank-

ings. Parents eagerly send their

children to school; students pas-

sions and interests develop as class

curricula become more focused;

everyone is able to pursue their

dream with a multitude of uni-

versity choices. Is this not a model

system? Is this not what we strivefor in making education a univer-

sal global phenomenon? Most, if

not all would answer with an em-

phatic Yes! to both questions.

It may therefore come as a shock,

ladies and gentlemen, to know

that we have it all terribly wrong!

If measured by the aforemen-

tioned assumptions, our system

is indeed exemplarythere is nodoubt. The issue is not however

the implementation of what we

believe; the contemporary educa-

tional philosophy is riddled with

fallacies, half-truths and misguid-

ed goals. Academics and philoso-

phers including Mortimer Alder

and Robert Hutchinson have

cautioned us about its dangers,

but their warning were not heed-

ed. Now, our failings are most

evident in our university system,

which is supposed to represent

the highest level of thought, un-

derstanding and enquiry. Put sim-

ply, post-secondary education in

Canada suffers from a dilution of

standards, a dilution of achieve-

ments, a dilution of purpose.

Attaining a university degree is

widely seen as a means to an end.

This approach appears to make

sense considering that gradu-

ates earn about twice as much as

their high school only educatedcounterparts. Consider, however,

the implications of such a system.

Growing societal atychiphobia

pressures students, to choose uni-

versity stream programs or cours-

es, therefore increasing the rate

of university attendance among

Canadian youth. When one con-

siders more advanced degrees,

however, there is no correspond-

ing trend. It is now common for astudent to just go to any university,

earn a basic degree and disappear

into the workforce. As our post-

secondary institutions become

lled with such students and begin

to cater to this growing tendency,

they treat the mind as a vessel to be

lled. They extinguish the ame

of discovery and treat students to

a watered down portion of higher

educations nectar. The result is,

as noted by an OECD study on

the matter, fewer Canadian grad-

uate students in the elds of sci-

ence and engineering and Cana-

da having one of the lowest rates

of PhD completion in the world.

The impact of such a mindset on

our economic and social situation

is also dire. As degrees have be-

come a prerequisite to a good job,

the gap between skilled and afu-

ent and the unskilled and poor has

grown. As incomes have gradu-

ally moved to polar extremes, oureconomy has come to increasingly

favor educated jobseekers. With

no middle ground, the disadvan-

taged and unemployable are re-

ceding further and further into the

pit of despair and poverty. This,

taken to the extreme over time,

fosters resentment and has proved

the root cause of dysfunction and

unrest. Furthermore, historically,

the over-education of the remain-der of the population creates an

oversupply of labor, suppresses

wages and results in distress-

ingly high underemployment.

While the aforesaid repercus-

sions of maintaining our current

educational philosophy may seem

far off and intangible, there is

an even more pressing reason to

change our ways. Troubles, rooted

in the current system, will amplify

in the near future. A strong prec-

edent can be found in Englands

university system. Over the past

half-century, the dream of a Brit-

ish social democracy has affected

- 5 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

7/20

G





substantial change in what was

once the most revered mechanism

for erudition in the world. What

has changed? Strict government

control over these institutions has

reduced them to an exemplar of

what is wrong. Under the guise

of improving social mobility, the

state has turned higher educationinto an expensive entitlement.

Telling of the lack of perspec-

tive that young Britons have is the

damning headlineONLY two

thirds of students will be admitted

to university!a number

that should strike us as ab-

normally high. The state of

education in that country

has gotten to such a point

that it is near impossible tosimply cut ridiculous uni-

versity programs, like a ma-

jor in waste management

with a minor in dance.

With the prospect of tuition fee

increases on the horizon, the don-

nish members of the population

riot in the streets, creating chaos

from which not even the apolitical

royals are safe. The English model

has failed to achieve its lofty aims;

there has been no melding of so-

cial classes. Fewer than ten per-

cent of those attending an institu-

tion of higher learning come from

impoverished backgrounds. At

best Labors post-war engineers

have only mildly exacerbated

the conict among castesa far

cry from the Post War Dream

mourned by Roger Waters.

Canada is surely on its way to a cri-

sis like Britains in the near future.

Canadian university campuses

are already awash with calls tomake education a rightthinly

veiled code for the English-model

relaxing of admission standards

and articial tuition suppression.

In order to save our educational

enterprise in Canada we must,

to borrow Plutarchs astute meta-

phor, stop pouring water into an

already full vessel, dry the im-

brued kindling and light the re

of scholarship. We must embrace

a new view of higher educa-

tionone that acknowledges the

need to sacrice the pervasive-

ness of degrees and to make them

more valuable to society. Our

current university system is over-

subscribed, overdeveloped and

over-consolidated, not to men-

tion, misguided in its approach.

Universities, which stand atop the

educational pyramid, are, by na-

ture research institutions, whose

purpose is to advance academic

and scientic inquiry. They mustreturn to this vision. In their teach-

ing capacity, they must once again

strive to inspire their students,

and show them how to critically

evaluate both theory and prac-

tice. A balanced approach

that emphasizes the union

between factual knowl-

edge and analytical think-

ing can yield innovation

and discovery. Further-more, it encourages stu-

dents to pursue more ad-

vanced degree programs,

hence producing more

experts in their respective elds.

Universities need to be granted

more freedom from political inter-

ests and from bureaucracy. Insti-

tutional independence fosters the

emergence of a unique character

of teaching, as well as both inter-

collegiate competition and coop-

eration. A stricter meritocratic ad-

missions process that considers the

whole candidate is indispensible to

bettering the quality of students.

- 6 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

8/20

G





In order to complement the re-

forms in university education,

professional schools that provide

a blend of acquired skills and

specialized knowledge need to

be established. Catering to the

middle of the job market, training

in elds such as information tech-

nology, business administration

and applied engineering would

enable high school graduates to

attend an in-depth four year pro-

gram without the expectation that

further degrees would be pursued.

A more direct approach, like this,

would improve the efciency and

effectiveness of vocational instruc-

tion in these areas. Many existing

universities can easily be convert-

ed into polytechnic institutes and

schools of business or technology.

Since these schools would not di-

vert part of their funding for re-

search, more resources would be

available to students themselves,

providing a large and well-educat-

ed workforce that would be the en-

gine of future economic growth.

Enduring and ever-increasing

prosperity is not an easy task by

any measure. Our best hope is to

kindle the re of our potential.

Despite the meretricious argu-

ments to the contrary, we must

treat education as a scarce com-

modity, and distribute it in ac-

cordance with its true purpose.

In education, social success and

the attainment of wealth must, as

Mortimer Alder stated, become

subordinate to the inner attain-

ments of moral and intellectual

virtue, for the latter will ensure

the fulllment of the former.

- 7 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

9/20

G





I T S A

G E O R G I A N

L I F E

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

10/20

G





T H E B O O S T

MACKENZIE GILMORE &

REID KERR-KELLER

A t e a c h e r c a n b o o s t , y o u r

m o m c a n b o o s t , a n d w o r s t

o f a l l , yo u c a n bo o s t .

There are many captivating issues

that plague the world today: glob-

al warming, a global nancial cri-

sis, the Iraq war, obesity, and pov-

erty. The one issue that affects us

all without most even realizing it

is boosting. A boost is a statement

or gesture intended to make peo-

ple think more highly of you. A

teacher can boost, your mom can

boost, and worst of all, you canboost. There is no telling the time

or place a boost can strike. It can

be anywhere from the safety of

your own home to your preferred

Pizza Pizza location, or even in

the comfort of your own bath-

room. We live in constant peril of

the most unfriendly of statements:

the boost. The current hotbed

for boosting is on social network-

ing sites such as Twitter, MySpace,and Facebook. These social net-

working sites serve as an ideal spot

for online condence and boost-

ing to spread like a virus. A per-

fect example of a Facebook boost:

Mackenzie Gilmore is soooo

sore from ght training today.

Mack may not have intended to

do so, but he is perpetuating the

abomination that is a boost. This

post seems rather harmless, but

when broken down, the boost is

exposed. The rst thing someone

must do, when analyzing a boost,

is ask themselves the questionsof boost regulating: 1. What

point is he trying to get across?

In this specic instance, it seems

as though Mackenzie Gilmore is

trying to get the point across that

he is a trained ghter and that he

works out. Sweet Mack, that is

minorly cool. But was there any

reason for saying this? 2. Why

did he post it? In this example,

it seems as though he is tryingto impress people with his ght

training. He possibly wants all

guys to understand that he does

ght training and has the ability

to ght. 3. Is there any possible

explanation that would necessi-

tate such a agrantly boost-erric

post? No, Mack, there is not. In

conclusion, this specic example

is perfect, as it shows the core

of what a boost is: an excuse for

someone to brag about how cool

his or her life is. Furthermore,

boosting is not an invention of the

21st century; it has been around

since man rst told of his adven-

tures from last weekend. However,

a new century brings with it new

avenues of boosting. Even now,

your loved ones could be on Face-

book, subjecting their poor minds

to four hundred pictures of How

cool my vacation Was by Reid

Cool Daddy Kerr-Keller. Such

worrisome dangers are the reason

that now is the time we must standvigilant. Boosting is not cool, nei-

ther are your status updates. It is

important that individuals remind

those they care for not to boost

and to call them out when they do.

This is the only way that mankind

can survive a time that may well

come to be known as the Boost-

Pocalypse. Future generations

will look back at 2011 as the year

of the Resistance against all formsof needless boosting. Change is

possible; change is key. Now is

our moment: it is time to stand

up to the horror that is boosting,

and to say, No Reid Cool Dad-

dy Kerr-Keller, I will not look at

your vacation pictures. You are a

boost. There is no reason for our

children and grandchildren to live

under rocks and in crevasses, hid-

ing from cruel and evil boost over-

loads. Boosting can be stopped.

Every boost must be followed

by a call-out. For example, Sam

Caldarone says, Shucks, I only

got 95% on the last functions unit

test. Response from his peers:

- 9 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

11/20

G





Bro, quit boosting. Let the

history books and the bards tell

of our triumph, and let freedom

from boosts reign across the land:

from pole to pole, sea to sea, from

Facebook Wall to Facebook Wall.

I S A L I E N T H E

S T O M P I N G

G R O U N D F O R

D I R E C T O R I A L

B R I L L I A N C E ?

ANDREW SAVORY

T h e m o v i e w a s m o n u -

m e n t a l f o r s e t t i n g t h e

m o o d o f a n x i e t y a n d

s t r e t c h i n g a u d i e n c e e x -p e c t a t i o n s f o r w h a t w o u l d

a r r i v e n e x t .

The Alien lm series began as

a small pipedream for the Uni-

versity of Southern California

graduate and screenwriter, Dan

OBannon. Thirty-one years

later, Alien serves as the core for

what we base our assumptions ofextra-terrestrial life. Well, dragon-

like creatures whose drool can

burn through walls and oors

may be a stretch, but Alien seems

to be the foundation for some of

the nest directors of our time.

The debut of theAlien series came

under the directorial supervision

of Ridley Scott, a man credited

with numerous successes in the

last twenty years ranging from

Thelma and Louise all the way to

GladiatorandAmerican Gangster. But

where did all this come from? It

was no uke. Scotts career tookoff withAlien because it taught him

how to combine suspense with a

thrilling science ction premise.

The movie was monumental for

setting the mood of anxiety and

stretching audience expectations

for what would arrive next, and

paved the way for future lms that

would harness the uncertainty of

what comes next with extensive es-

tablishing and point of view shots.Its sequel, Aliens, was released

seven years later; only this time,

a young James Cameron held

the reins to the franchise. Cam-

eron took a different approach

to the concept of Alien. Instead

of creating a spectacle of atmo-

spheric strain, he proposed a

more viscerally appealing punch

that was signicantly more nu-

anced than your average action

lm. Cameron may have broken

onto the scene with his 1984 box

ofce hit The Terminator, butAliens

is where he earned his stripes

and cemented his reputation as

a legitimate director. With Aliens,

Cameron learned that although

you may have an extraordinary

precedent to revolve your lm

around, you should never stray

too far from the original concept.

To make the jump from a com-

mercial and music video director

to lm is no small feat, but DavidFincher was burdened with the

difcult task of directingAlien 3.

The movie was a critical failure,

and Fincher eventually left shoot-

ing prior to completion due to

disagreements with producers.

This did, however, help Fincher

understand that if he wasnt given

enough freedom when directing a

movie, he wasnt willing to make

it in the rst place. This lessonwould prove crucial as Fincher

would go on to direct hits such as

Se7en, Fight Club, Zodiac, The Cu-

rious Case of Benjamin Button, and

most recently, The Social Network.

Jean-Pierre Jeunet was entrusted

with the difcult task of directing

the nale to a series that had al-

ready been plunged into submis-

sion by a three-quel that failed to

gain considerable attention. Jeu-

net was unable to revive or any

feeling ofAlien fever with its for-

mer fan base. He had a disgrun-

tled lead in Sigourney Weaver who

wanted out, a misplaced Winona

- 10 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

12/20

G





Ryder and a makeshift script so

bad not even the aliens them-

selves wanted to eat it. Jeunet

wouldnt make another movie for

another four years until he took

a chance withAmlie; the story

of a blissful young woman who

seeks to aid others and along the

way discovers love. The result?Five Oscar nominations, various

international awards and criti-

cal acclaim for Jeunet who had

proven himself worthy after fail-

ing to make his mark withAlien

Resurrection.

L U C K Y G U Y

SPENCER BARTON

U n d e r n e a t h h i s c o a t , h e

h a s t i e d s e v e r a l s c r a p s

o f n e w s p a p e r an d p l a s t i c

b a g s a r o u n d h i s a r m s a n d

n e c k f o r w a r m t h .

Forest Hill is one of the three

wealthiest neighbourhoods in To-

ronto. Its expansive, posh houses

are situated around The Village,a collection of high-end shops and

ofces. This is where Guy lives.

You can usually spot him at the

bank or the coffee shops or out-

side the dentists ofce. He only

sleeps in the banks because theyre

warm, the coffee shops close by

nine, and the dentist has a security

guard. Guy is now sixty-two and

has been living on the streets for

thirty-one years. When I started

talking to him, he painted a pic-

ture of the city Ive grown up in:

a picture of dirt and harsh times.

I have been seeing Guy in the Vil-lage since I was a child but didnt

know his name until interviewing

him for the rst time. He is short,

blind in one eye (which occurred

within the past year), has yellow-

grey, thinning hair, and wears the

same coat, pants, shoes and shirt

year-round. Underneath his coat,

he has tied several scraps of news-

paper and plastic bags around his

arms and neck for warmth. Histoes are visible and black. His

back is hunched, and he smells

of urine. I interviewed him twice

in the TD Bank at the corner of

Spadina Road and Thelma Av-

enue. He was reluctant to par-

ticipate in the interview and asked

me to exclude any names, dates,

or places for fear of being tracked.

The April 2009 Shelter, Sup-

port & Housing Administration

Report states that an estimated

5,086 homeless people were pres-

ent in the city of Toronto. That

includes the street, but not those

in a shelter or communal hous-

ing ofce. As of November 2009,

there were fty-seven city-funded

shelter facilities, and nine city-

operated shelter facilities. On any

given night during those years

there were 3,800 beds available for

the homeless. I asked Guy why he

didnt make use of any of the shel-

ters. He is among the 6% of home-less people who dont use them.

I went to one of them only twice,

many years ago. The rst night

was ne. The second night a man

went to the bathroom on the bed

I was staying in and stole my jack-

et. I never went back. To this day

its buddies like him that steer me

clear of those places. I asked him

if he had told the housing manag-ers about that incident. Oh yeah,

oh yeah. Sure. They said they saw

him come in with that coat and

made me clean the sheets. That

was my coat! As he spoke with

me, a woman who had just with-

drawn money handed him a ten-

dollar bill. Get yourself some-

thing to eat. God Bless. Oh.

Oh! Thank you very much. I will.

According to a Government of

Canada Report by Tim Riordan,

approximately 66% of homeless

people have a lifetime diagnosis

of mental illness. This is two to

three times higher than the rest

- 11 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

13/20

G





of the population. Guy was diag-

nosed with psychosis when he was

younger and has never received

proper treatment or medication.

At several points he began speak-

ing about birds, listing his favor-

ite kinds (Goldnches, Cardinals,

and Parakeets) and what to feed

each of them to keep them happy(bread chunks, sunower seeds,

and sliced lemon respectively). I

told him about a nest of Goldnch-

es that used to be in my backyard

and he grinned. Is that right?

His eye wandered. Singers,

they are. I listen to them all day.

An April 2010 City of Toronto

report was titled New Research:

street homelessness in Toronto cutin half . An excerpt: The Street

Needs Assessment is a snap shot

of Torontos homeless popula-

tion. It was conducted at a direct

cost of about $119,000, funded by

the federal governments Home-

lessness Partnership Initiative. As

is the case with almost all home-

less surveys, it is not designed to

include the hidden homeless

(those living in over-crowded con-

ditions or couch surng). Guy

is among the hidden homeless

so is not included in that survey.

The second time I went looking

for Guy was sundown the next

evening. He was on his way into

the Royal Bank. I was nishing a

cigarette as I began talking to him

and he wouldnt look me in the

eyes. His eye would just follow the

cigarette and his head turned as I

dropped it. He said he was coming

from downtown. I had brought a

point-and-shoot camera to see ifGuy would let me take his picture.

He didnt. He explained Canadi-

an photography laws. You could

get in big trouble you know. Oh

yes, sir. You must always, always,

always ask permission. Theres

big issues with just snapping shots

in the street. Someone gets in your

way and sees their face on the

computer they can sue big time

off of you. He asked why I had

my camera. I lied and told him I

had just wanted some pictures of

the neighbourhood. You havent

been taking any pictures of me,

have you? He laughed, showing

all of his teeth. I hadnt. He was

different during that interview.

He seemed more nervous and he

swayed from side to side. What

paper do you work for again? I

explained again that I was writ-

ing for a class. He calmed down.

Guy was now standing in the cor-

ner of the RBC nearest the door.

I asked him if he knew what our

new mayor said about people in

his situation. No. I quoted Rob

Ford: This is a bylaw opening the

door to make every ward have a

shelter. Thats the black and white

of the issue here. Okay? Im sorry

to say, this is an insult to my con-

stituents to even think about hav-ing a war- uh a homeless shelter

in their ward. And you want me

to have a public meeting to dis-

cuss this? Why dont we have a

public lynching? Guy laughs and

grins again. Hes our mayor?

I asked Guy when he had been

diagnosed with psychosis and if

he had ever been medicated for

it. I dont want to say. I dont

like pills. I had a friend who had

a house and would paint and gar-

den all the time. Real workman

type. Got sick and started taking

pills and he got fat and slowed

down and guys started coming to

- 12 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

14/20

G





his house all the time asking him

odd questions about it. So thats

when I had to leave. I had had

enough of those guys. Beautiful

house til they started showing

up. He asked to see some of the

pictures I had taken. Some were

of birds in Costa Rica. His face

lit up when he saw them. Ohmy! Look at the colours on that

one! And you saw these guys? Oh

my. I told him I had to go take

some more pictures and that I

would see him later. Okay, there.

Oh no! Im awful with names...

Spenc- Spencer! Right, right,

right. Ok well. Thank you,

Spencer. Thank you, Guy.

Before I knew Guy, I would refer

to him as Lucky. He looked ex-

actly like the character in Wait-

ing for Godot, bags and hair

and all. I walked by the RBC ve

minutes later and he was stand-

ing, asleep. Beyond sitting and

talking to him, giving him sub-

way fare or some food, I didnt

know what I could do for him.But at least I knew his name.

C R E A T I V E F I C T I O N

M O D E R N

L O V E

DANIEL DAVIDSON-KALMAR

S h e h a d b e e n c a l l e d i n

t o s t u f f h i s d o g , w h i c h

h a d d i e d a m o n t h e a r -

l i e r .

We met on the road. She was an

on call taxidermist; I was a boun-

ty hunter. She had gotten herself

into a sticky situation; my target

had jumped bail and holed upin a motel on highway 744. She

had been called in to stuff his dog,

which had died a month earlier.

We met on the road. He was a

bounty hunter; I was an on call

taxidermist. I was on a job, sew-

ing and stufng as usual, when

the door fell out from the wall. It

had been kicked, with consider-

able force, by a bearded man of

considerable stature. Jeremiah!

You in here? the man yelled. I as-

sumed he was talking to my client.

I looked around the room but

my target was out. There was

a woman in the back room.

She was stitching up some kind

of animal. I was immediately

drawn to her. I walked forward.

The man approached me. My

god, he was ugly, I was immedi-

ately repulsed. Hey, pretty lady,

he said. No one had ever called

me pretty before, perhaps he was

more charming than I thought.

Have you seen a ve foot six

man with a large tattoo on his

cheek? I asked. Yes, she re-

plied, I was just stufng his

dog. Hes out. Well then, lets

go nd him, I said, together.

He reached out his giant hand and

I gave him mine. He led me out to

his car, and we drove away after

Jeremiah. I did not yet know what

he did for a living; I was rather

reckless now that I think about it.

When I said we met on the road,I meant it. I introduced myself.

Im Chester, I said. Im Le-

rleen, she replied. After we

nd Jeremiah, would you let

me take you out for dinner?

So, I said. Stufng animals,

- 13 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

15/20

G





eh? Yes, she replied. There was

an awkward silence. Perhaps I had

chosen the wrong place for the

date. I knew she liked animals, so I

took her to the outdoor caf at the

zoo. My mind had wandered off; a

seagull was eating my hamburger.

He was so well-bearded. I wasntsure that I could handle this. I

was better at stufng the dead

than talking to the living. We got

up to look at the animals. He

reminded me of the walrus

We got up to look at the ani-

mals. She reminded me of the

amingo: elegant, beautiful.

What if we joined them? I

said. What? she yelled, Areyou out of your mind? I just

wanted to make things exciting.

I began to doubt this mans intel-

ligence I grew tired of the zoo,

and we began to leave. I offered

him a deal if he wanted to see me

again. Shave the beard, I said.

It was minutes before the date.

I had to shave, but how would I

do it? I had never removed my

whiskers before. I was nervous,

and put it off as long as possible.

I picked up a pair of scissors. The

hair wouldnt cut. The scissors be-

came tangled; I needed to think

of something else. A regular shav-

er got stuck as well. I went into the

kitchen and picked up a knife. The

door rang. Come in! I yelled.

Almost nished! I began to cut

away at the hair, the knife slipped;

I could feel the blade on my

tongue. Gahhhhh! I yelled. She

ran into the room. Oh my god,hold on, I can x this! She pulled

some stitches out of her bag. Ive

never done this on something

alive before. Hold still. My god, I

thought, we were perfect together.

E A R W A X E D

JACK GROSS

I d o n t k n o w , m a y b et o o m u c h A d v i l o r s o m e -

t h i n g .

I am asleep.

I am in Riverdale Park, across from

my old house with the red door. It

is fall. The leaves are brown and

red and yellow. They have been

raked into piles. I am with some-

one, a girl. She is small. I still have

hair that is long and curly and

blonde. My hair will turn brown

when I am ve. The girl and I run

in circles and fall into the piles of

leaves. The leaves y around us.

We laugh and scream with each

other. She knows my name. I think

hers is Megan. I am happy. We

throw the leaves and hold hands

and spin around and around.

There is a gure. It is big, an

Adult. It calls for me. I am

afraid. It is angry. It is disap-

pointed. The Adult has no gen-der and no distinct voice, but I

have known them. They speak to

me sternly. They grab my hand

and walk. Tears well up in my

eyes. I want to speak but cant.

I wake up.

My chest rises and falls. I am

scared, embarrassed, hot, sweat-

ing. I get out of the bed. My feettouch the oor and they are loud.

The hardwood creaks right in-

side my head. Everything is too

loud. Im confused. I start to cry.

I walk out the door. I realize I

am in my grandparents house,

Wardlow, Alberta. The carpet in

the hall scratches my feet. I feel

sensitive to everything. I drag my

hand along the wall as I walk. The

paint lumps hit my palm. I try to

calm my breathing. The thoughts

in my head are slow and thunder-

ing. The voice of the Adult reso-

nates in my head. I cant make

out its words. My voice keeps

saying, We were just having fun,

- 14 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

16/20

G





we were just having fun. I walk

down the hallway that has dark

yellow walls. The house moans.

There are pictures of my mother

and father and uncle and aunt.

I can hear my grandpa snor-

ing from his bedroom. It lls my

head; its louder than my feet now.

I walk past the boiler room andmy heart is still thumping in my

head. I am in the lean-to. I look

out the screen door, down the hill.

I can see Dixie and Mr. Dunn

standing and sleeping. I feel jeal-

ous of them. The prairie wind

cools my face. It is inviting me

outside, but I am little, just seven,

and I turn back to the bedroom.

I wake up.

My chest rises and falls. I am pan-

icked, embarrassed, sweating. I

am older, ten or eleven. This has

happened before. It is afternoon. I

am in my house on Roxborough. I

had come home from school ear-

lier. I am wearing Hot Chilli paja-

mas and a bathrobe. I get out of

my bed. My feet touch the oor

and kick my eardrums. The hard-

wood creaks inside me; every-

thing is loud again. I feel rushed.

My movements feel hyperactive.

Everything is urgent. Only my

thoughts are slow. I can hear my

mum all around me. She is down-

stairs with Zinka, her friend who

is a hairdresser and photogra-

pher. I yell to my mum, Mum?

Everything is so loud! Mum?

What, Jacko? She says to me. He

has a fever... She says to Zinka.

Everything is so loud. I can, like,

hear everything so loud. I ampanicked.

W h a t ?

Everything is, like, so loud. I can

hear my feet.

I lean over the railing near my

bedroom. She comes to the bot-

tom of the stairs. I can feel my

heart beating into the banister.

Whats wrong, honey? She says.

Everything is really loud. I hadthis dream where I was, like, in

the park at the old house and

I woke up and now everything

is loud and I feel so weird.

My voice feels soft and weak.

Okay, just go back to

bed. Youre feverish.

I turn around. She walks back

to the dining room and says to

Zinka in a low voice, I dont

know, maybe too much Advil or

something. I hear Zinka snort.

I walk down the hallway to the

bathroom. I press the light switch

and it clicks in my ear. The fan

whirrs loudly. I look in the mir-

ror and mouth words at my re-ection. I go and use the toilet.

The ush is like a waterfall. I go

back to the mirror and rub my

hands into my face, watching the

esh move around. I turn off the

light and the fan. I walk back to

my bedroom and lay on my back

watching my chest. It rises less

and less. I take a drink of water

out of the cup at my side and

feel it slide down my throat andcool my stomach. I lay back and

stare at the ridge created by the

wall border and wish I were deaf.

H O L Y

R O L L E R

ANDREW MCCONNELL

I w a s w a l k i n d o w n t h er o a d , w i t h a s u i t c a s e i n

m y h a n d a n d n o t a l o t o n

m y m i n d .

Sometimes the only one left to tell

the story is the buckwheat. Some-

times the story slips through the

- 15 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

17/20

G





cracks, and the only one there

to catch it is the land. But some-

times, people remember. They

may not think about what hap-

pened for years and years and sud-

denly one day, it all comes back.

And sometimes it never does.

* * * * *

I was walkin down the road, with

a suitcase in my hand and not

a lot on my mind. I was bein

sent to live for the summer with

my Uncle Willis. I knew it wasnt

because my sister didnt want

me, but the Sunset Motor Camp

wasnt so busy in the summer; all

the residents went on trips. Plus,

with Father gone and Mother al-ways workin, I was just one more

thing to worry about. I wasnt

worried about my uncle, from

what Id gathered he wasnt the

worst man, and I was no judge.

I reached into my pocket and drew

out the instructions my sister had

written for me. I looked around.

Not a lot. Orillia wasnt the big-

gest place to begin with, and once

you started walkin you could be

at it a long time before you found

what you were lookin for. I was

told to turn at the fence post of

the big red house. By the time I

got there, baking in the summer

heat was a house that was half

red and half white. I was lucky

I wasnt a half hour later. Some-

times I think there is a god, but

most of the time I think hes full

of it. What I didnt know is that

Uncle Willis felt the other way.

I made my way down that dustyroad not expecting the best, and

not expecting the worst. I dont

think anyone could expect what I

found. The house was small and

comfortable, with a little barn

off to the side. The paint was

chipped and white; the shingles

had seen their day. There was a

little porch off the side. I walked

around, hearing a commotion.

Sure enough there was my UncleWillis, rolling on the porch like

a sh out of water. Rolling right

there beside him was his brother

Charlie. They had the same thick

jaw and no neck. But I guess

that made them better rollers.

The door creaked open, the men

rolled in silence, eyes pressed

shut, both looked like they were

gonna say something. Neither of

them took notice of me. Out of

the house came my Aunt Olive;

her face looked like the bottom of

a spittoon. I tried not to look at

her. She had a chipped white mug

in her hand. Her eyes met mine,

then she looked at Willis rolling

on the ground and said nothing.

Willis lurched up. He looked at

me, then at my aunt, then at my

aunts mug. Then he looked angry.

That, that tea again?

And what if it is?

Woman, I swear, youre askinfor it. I do my best to appease

our Lord, and you go an spit

in is face with your devil herbs

and your low cut dresses.

I could hardly see her collarbone.

She may have had attitude,

but Olive knew when to give

up. Finally someone realized

I was there. It was Charlie.

You must be Tom.

Thats me.

Willis said Put your things

inside, then theres a horse

that needs brushing in the

barn. Is names Billy.

I was still wonderin about

the rolling. So I didnt move.

What are ya doin, stan-

din around? Get moving.

I dont mean any trouble, the

words were hard to nd, Wil-

lis had gone cockeyed. But why

were you rollin on the ground?

They both started to laugh.

They stopped at the same time.

- 16 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

18/20

G





Boy, Im surprised your mother

didnt tell you. Out here, were

Holy Rollers.

This still meant absolutely noth-

ing to me. So I asked again. They

looked at me like I was stupid.

Have you ever got that feelin,where its just like the Lord has

come into you?

I didnt feel like lying, but I did

anyway.

I know it well.

Well we roll to let the Lord know

that we know hes there.

It was going to be a long summer.

* * * * *

It was about mid-July. I was work-

ing like a dog, and Willis kept on

rolling like a hog. One day, Ol-

ive, who rarely spoke, told me to

go to the store and get her some

things. She gave me a list: sugar,

salt, tea. Willis was not going to

like it, but like my brother Tupper

said, The business of askin

questions is no business of yours.

So there I was, three hours later,

ridin Billy through the trees tak-

ing a shortcut. Problem was, I

was lost, and it was gettin dark.

Olive had said there was a path,

but to me all the trees seemed to

make anything but a path. Ev-

erything looked the same, so I

started to get worried. My heart

was pounding and ribs were hum-

ming. It felt like the light kept

getting farther and farther away.

I hopped off Billy, and startedleading him by the hand. He

didnt want to be led, so I sat on

a stump and took out my har-

monica. I was a man of constant

sorrow. It just got darker and

darker. Soon even the trees start-

ed to sweat. I dont know if it was

the noise from my harmonica,

or the sound of my bones jitter-

ing, but sooner or later I saw a

light in the night. Billy neighed.Willis and Charlie came out of

the bush, Charlie was holding the

lamp and Willis was holding a Bi-

ble. Neither said anything. They

pulled me to my feet and we made

for home. We got out onto the road

and I saw a house. It was about

seven eighths white, the last bit

red. Someone was a lazy painter.

Willis nally said something,

Whatd Olive send you to get

anyhow?

Salt, sugar, I stammered over

the last word, tea.

Ill kill that woman.

He cuffed me on the ear with the

Bible in his hand.

A N T I - D R U G

PATRICK COFFEY

My favorite color,

My eyes,

Sometimes Christmas color,

Burn,

Smoke,

Puff,Sesh,

Blaze,

Bun,

Have fun,

I love that dank,

Damn that stanks,

Dope end,

Used to be keen,

Mmm that green

More creative, yeah okay

Cooler, whatever you say

A lifestyle

Get along with your parents,

with your peers?

A good love life

Better at sports?

Better in school?

Workouts more efcient

Use of mind more sufcient

Oh Im sureSure life is great

Independent

I say dependent

Irrelevant

Youll hear them say

Quite the contrary

Very involved

- 17 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

19/20

G





1 7 2

4 7 1

7 6 3

9 6

5 8 3

8

1 9 4

5 2

1 2 7

On the mind

You say youre more kind

Not yourself

Passin life by

It ies

Good thing you say

What does your future hold?

Will your kids be proud?Superiors?

Boss?

Coach?

Chilled out, I assume

Are you sure it doesnt consume?

You dont stress anymore

Why do you shut the door?

Not anxious anymore

Is your chest sore?

When youre not high

Hows life?What do you think about?

Getting high?

Your relative is sick, assignment overdue

You dont have a clue.

Parents arent happy with you

Conscience

Non-sense

Dont believe it

No guilt

Youre not built

What benet does your life have over

others?

Ridiculous, stupid stoners, if your life is

going well, why change it, alter it, risk

worse habits, worse medical health or

well-being?

P U Z Z L E S A N D

C O D E S

Be the rst to solve the following codes or puzzles to collect

prizes$15, $30, $75 gift cards respectively. Sendcomplete solutions to Michael Lemanski.

C O D E D M E S S A G E S

Easy1 1101 11000 10000 1100 1 11000 10011 1001 1110

10100 1000 101 10000 1 10010 1011

Hard

8 13 1 12 1 d 18 c 18 c 9 9 8 d 18 13 16

P U Z Z L E S

Days can be represented numbers. A sunny Friday that

is not in April is a 3. A day that is not a Monday or

Tuesday but is rainy is a 4. What is a rainy weekday that

is not a Thursday or Sunday but is in October?

S U D O K U

- 18 -

7/31/2019 2010-2011 Issue I

20/20

G

riftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGriftertheGrifter



2010-2011 Issue I

Documents

Transcript of 2010-2011 Issue I