By Pat Cook

© Copyright 2013, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

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Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

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HO HO HO! THE SANTA CLAUS CHRONICLES

By PAT COOK

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

# of lines

HOST .................................of The Santa Claus Chronicles 66PRESS SECRETARY .............Santa’s long-suffering spokesperson 37

REPORTER ONE ...................at the press conference 8

REPORTER TWO ..................another 10

REPORTER THREE ...............another 14

REPORTER FOUR .................another 12

SANTA CLAUS .....................the big gift giver 31

EENY ..................................elf in charge of Dasher and Dancer 22

MEENY ...............................elf in charge of Prancer and Vixen 19

MINEY ................................elf in charge of Comet and Cupid 20

SOL ....................................elf in charge of Donner and Blitzen 32

SARGE ...............................hard-nosed elf drill sergeant 39

GLADYS SNOWING ..............all-knowing editor of The Snow News 8

BETTY ................................tired mother 15

MERV .................................confused father 10

MATILDA .............................British shopper 11

FLO ....................................Matilda’s friend and fellow shopper 11

MRS. CLAUS .......................Santa’s loving wife with a secret 19

CLEO ..................................elf who works the gift hotline 31

FIONA .................................Cleo’s friend, also works the hotline 30

NOTE ABOUT THE PLAY PRODUCTIONThis play may be done as written or other acts may be added between scenes, such as carolers, bands, etc. Extras—perhaps including those performing between scenes—may also be added as additional REPORTERS in Scene One and additional SHOPPERS in Scene Four. If a smaller cast is desired, many of the parts may be doubled.See PRODUCTION NOTES for more details.

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SYNOPSIS OF SCENESScene One: The Press Conference.Scene Two: Who Takes Care of Santa’s Reindeer?Scene Three: Snow News is Good News.Scene Four: On the Street Interviews.Scene Five: North Pole Hotline.Scene Six: The Big Surprise.

SETTINGTime: This year, just two days before Christmas.Place: The North Pole.

SET DESIGNThe play takes place on a bare stage other than a sign DOWN RIGHT that reads “The Santa Claus Chronicles.” Only minimal props are required for a few scenes: four chairs and a podium in Scene One and two chairs and a table, on the front of which hangs a sign that reads, “North Pole Hotline,” in Scene Five.

Christmas décor may be used to decorate the stage. This could be a backdrop or props depicting the North Pole, an exterior winter scene, or stacks of presents and Christmas décor.

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HO HO HO! THE SANTA CLAUS CHRONICLES

Scene One“The Press Conference”

Before the LIGHTS come UP we hear the sound of jingling sleigh bells. After a moment, LIGHTS UP DOWN RIGHT on HOST. There is a sign above that reads, “The Santa Claus Chronicles.”HOST: We all know what that sound of jingling sleigh bells means.

It has brought joy and happiness to millions of children over the years. They know that wonderful ringing means Santa Claus is on his way. You remember it, don’t you? It’s Christmas Eve, and you’re supposed to be in bed… but you can’t even think of sleeping, knowing that ol’ St. Nicholas is due at any minute. Did you ever think about how he gets ready for that night visit? And just who helps him? Tonight on this special edition of The Santa Claus Chronicles, we’re live at the North Pole and going behind the scenes to meet some of the people… (Leans forward.) …and elves… (Leans back.) …who prepare everything for the “Night Before Christmas.” We all have lots of questions about Santa Claus and his operations, and tonight we’re going to get some answers. (LIGHTS UP LEFT on a podium with several chairs facing it. On the podium there is a laptop computer. [Alternate staging: the podium may be facing out with the REPORTERS seated in the AUDIENCE.] In the chairs sit four [or more] REPORTERS all talking quietly to themselves. They each have a notepad and pencil.) We’re in luck! What better way to begin than with live coverage of Santa’s press conference? (Leans forward again.) Let’s listen in. (LIGHTS OUT DOWN RIGHT as HOST EXITS RIGHT.)

SECRETARY: (ENTERS LEFT carrying a laptop. REPORTERS all stop talking. Sets laptop on podium and opens it.) Good evening. I trust you all have been good little girls and boys this year. (Gentle laughing from the REPORTERS.) After all, the Chief knows who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. Now I’ll read a brief statement after which I’ll answer a few questions. (Clears throat and reads from the laptop.) “For many, many years now, Santa has received letters detailing lists of toys the children want. More and more, however, children are also asking questions which, as you may well imagine, Mr. C. just doesn’t have time to properly answer. It is in that spirit that the Chief thought this press conference might alleviate some of that backlog.” (Looks up.) So now I’ll take the first question. (ALL REPORTERS raise their hands and leap to their feet.) One at a time. (Points to REPORTER ONE.) Yes, you.

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REPORTER ONE: (Remains standing while the others sit.) Yes, can you tell us whether Santa reads each and every letter he receives?

SECRETARY: Yes. Next—REPORTER ONE: Hold it. Do you mean “yes” he does read every

letter, or “yes” you can answer that question?SECRETARY: (Mutters under breath.) I knew this was going to happen.

(To REPORTER ONE.) Yes to both those questions.REPORTER ONE: Thank you. (Sits.)REPORTER TWO: (Rises.) Well, if she got to ask two questions, does

that mean we all can ask two questions?SECRETARY: Uh, sorry. Let’s just say I’ll try to be more specific with

my answers from here on. And since you’re already up, do you have a question?

REPORTER THREE: I thought she just asked one.SECRETARY: (Mutters again.) Oh, man, I knew this was going to be a

long day! (Points to REPORTER TWO.) You!REPORTER TWO: You mentioned that Santa always knows who’s been

naughty and nice. How does he come by this information?SECRETARY: You know back when you were a kid and you wrote him

a letter?REPORTER TWO: Yes.SECRETARY: Well, what you didn’t know was that your parents also

wrote him a letter, reporting on your behavior for the year.REPORTER TWO: What?!SECRETARY: They often even sent it in the same envelope.REPORTER TWO: I think I’ll call my mother. (Sits.)SECRETARY: Too late. Next?REPORTER THREE: (Rises.) Obviously Santa has a well-run

organization—SECRETARY: He thinks of it as his extended family.REPORTER THREE: (Blandly.) Lovely. Now, can you tell us, is there

anything which causes the old gentleman any kind of trouble?SECRETARY: (Nods.) Jet lag.REPORTER THREE: No, I mean here at the North Pole, is there

anything here that holds up production?SECRETARY: Yes. Spam.REPORTER THREE: Oh, he gets a lot of junk email?SECRETARY: No, I mean the food, Spam. He eats it all the time!REPORTER THREE: I’m talking about gumming up the works. Is

there—?

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SECRETARY: (Rambling.) He has it for breakfast, lunch… he’d eat it all the time. As far as he’s concerned, it goes with anything!

REPORTER THREE: What I was referring to—SECRETARY: Next! (REPORTER THREE grumbles and sits.)REPORTER FOUR: (Rises.) You say Santa reads every letter, but we

all know of circumstances where a kid asks for a certain item and doesn’t receive it at Christmas.

SECRETARY: I’m guessing you have a personal example you’d like to share with us?

REPORTER FOUR: Well, yes. When I was a kid, about 25 years ago, I asked for something, but I didn’t get it. And I was good all that year.

SECRETARY: Uh huh. (Types on his laptop.) Robertson, right?REPORTER FOUR: Yes, I’m Robertson. I asked Santa to bring me a

pony.SECRETARY: Lived on 2017 Holly Road?REPORTER FOUR: (Cautiously.) Uh huh.SECRETARY: (Eyes on laptop.) Twenty-five years ago… (Looks at

REPORTER FOUR.) Good all year, huh? Wasn’t that the year you painted the family cat?

REPORTER FOUR: Uh, um… well, I withdraw the question.REPORTER ONE: (Rises.) You painted the cat?REPORTER FOUR: I didn’t paint him. I dyed him!SECRETARY: Blue?REPORTER ONE: Why did you want a blue cat?REPORTER FOUR: Hey, we’re supposed to be asking the press

secretary the questions, right? (Sits quickly.)REPORTER ONE: And just what color would you have painted the

pony? (Smiles smugly and sits.)SECRETARY: Next!REPORTER TWO: (Rises.) During Santa’s nighttime flight, what hazards

does he have to avoid?SECRETARY: Well, he always has to fly higher over the southern

United States.REPORTER TWO: Why’s that?SECRETARY: Those duck hunters—they’re up at all hours and will

shoot at anything. Next? (REPORTER TWO sits.)REPORTER THREE: (Rises.) Santa is always giving to other people,

making sure that they are happy. What does he do for relaxation? I mean, does he have any hobbies?

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SECRETARY: Did I mention the Spam? The man loves the stuff!REPORTER THREE: Yes, you—SECRETARY: The stuff has a shelf-life of forever and goes on anything!

Make a sandwich, put it on eggs—REPORTER THREE: Er, that’s really not what I’m asking. Let me

rephrase the question.REPORTER TWO: (Rises.) So everybody does get two questions!SECRETARY: Sit down! (REPORTER TWO grumbles and sits. To

REPORTER THREE.) Go ahead.REPORTER THREE: What does Santa Claus do for fun?SECRETARY: Well, I guess I can tell you this. (Leans forward.) Several

years ago, just for fun, he used to go to some fortune teller or other. You know, have his future read, that kind of thing?

REPORTER THREE: And what’d they say?SECRETARY: Same thing every time. “You’re going on a long trip.”REPORTER THREE: (Laughs.) Really?SECRETARY: I mean, come on, a large guy shows up in a red suit with

a big white beard, what else are they going to say? (REPORTER THREE sits.) Next?

REPORTER ONE: (Rises.) Yes, with all the modern conveniences these day, what with cars, trains and jets, why does Santa still travel by sleigh?

SECRETARY: It’s paid for. Do you know how much a jet would cost?! (REPORTER ONE sits.) We have time for one more question.

REPORTER FOUR: (Rises.) Why do the reindeer fly? (ALL stare at REPORTER FOUR.)

SECRETARY: (After a slight pause.) Well, they tried tunneling, but it took too long. (The other REPORTERS jump to their feet.) And that’s all the time we have for questions.

REPORTER ONE: (To REPORTER FOUR.) That’s it?REPORTER TWO: (Also to REPORTER FOUR.) That was our final

question? Why do reindeer fly?REPORTER FOUR: I thought it was a good question!SECRETARY: Can you people work this all out later?REPORTER THREE: (To REPORTER FOUR.) You should have asked,

“how do reindeer fly?” (Disgustedly.) Why do they fly?! (REPORTERS start squabbling.)

SECRETARY: (Tries to get their attention.) Hey, people, can we show some decorum here, please?! People? Hello? (REPORTERS keep arguing.)

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SANTA: (ENTERS LEFT, jolly as ever.) Ho ho ho! I see we have a very lively discussion going on here. (REPORTERS get quiet at this.)

SECRETARY: Yes, we’re just wrapping up the press conference, Chief.SANTA: Fine, that’s fine.REPORTER FOUR: Wrapping up nothing. They were all on my back

because I asked one simple question.REPORTER TWO: Simple, is right. From a simple mind!REPORTER FOUR: Hey, I got a right.SANTA: (Squints.) Robertson? Is that you, Robertson?REPORTER FOUR: (Meekly.) Yes, sir.SANTA: Say, whatever happened to that blue cat? (REPORTERS laugh

at this. He turns to the SECRETARY.) Have you by any chance seen Mrs. Claus?

SECRETARY: No, sir.SANTA: Oh, I’m sure she’s around here somewhere.SECRETARY: I’m sure she is. Can I leave, please?SANTA: Wait, didn’t you tell them about our little surprise? (To

REPORTERS.) Now, if you’ll all adjourn to the next room with me, we have a very nice buffet set up… (Rubs his hands together in glee.) …with lots of Spam!

SECRETARY: Good luck, Chief. (Looks at the REPORTERS.) I’d just as soon not watch them eat.

REPORTERS: Heeeey! (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)End of Scene One

Scene Two“Who Takes Care of Santa’s Reindeer?”

LIGHTS UP DOWN RIGHT on HOST.HOST: Welcome back to The Santa Claus Chronicles, live from the

North Pole. That press conference really didn’t end as well as we could have hoped, I suppose. However, while we’re on the subject of Santa’s reindeer, now would be a good time to see just who takes care of them. Santa and Mrs. Claus themselves handpicked this team of elves, and they take very good care of Santa’s reindeer. And, wow, believe it or not, we’re just in time to see one of their drills. And, of course, to have a proper drill, you need a drill sergeant. (LIGHTS OUT on HOST, who EXITS RIGHT. LIGHTS UP CENTER on EENY, MEENY, MINEY and SOL as they chat among themselves.)

EENY: I say let’s all just agree with whatever he says.MEENY: That’s what I think. No need to get him angry at us this late.

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MINEY: We’ll just watch what we say.EENY: Exactly. All of us. (The three turn and stare at SOL.)SOL: What? Why’re you all staring at me?EENY: For the same reason when somebody talks about what a bright

day it is, we all look at the sun.SOL: (Smiles.) Oh, so you’re saying I’m bright?MEENY: (To OTHERS.) Why don’t we just wrap him up and drop him

down a chimney?SARGE: (From OFF.) ’Tenshun! (ENTERS LEFT, carrying a clipboard. He

is dressed as the other elves except he also has sergeant’s stripes on his sleeves. The ELVES line up.) Awright, awright, awright! Let’s straighten up that line. (Stares daggers at them as he slowly walks down the line, inspecting his “troops.” He stops at MEENY and gets in his face.) I want to see a point on those shoes, mister!

MEENY: Yessir! I’ll get ’em in the pencil sharpener right away!SARGE: See that you do. (At far end of the line now. He reads off his

clipboard. As he calls out their names they each step forward to answer, then step back in line.) Roll call. Eeny!

EENY: Here.SARGE: Meeny!MEENY: Here.SARGE: Miney!MINEY: Here.SARGE: Sol!SOL: Yo.SARGE: (Lowers the clipboard.) Don’t say “yo”! (The OTHER ELVES roll

their eyes.) How many times do I have to tell you?! Say “here.”SOL: Yes, sir, I’m here.SARGE: Right.SOL: Well, I mean I’m here now.SARGE: What?SOL: I mean, when I was here, I was really—(Steps forward again.)—I

was really here. (Points behind himself.) Not there, when you told me to say here.

SARGE: That’s just a word—EENY: Just answer the sergeant. You don’t have to be literal.MEENY: Whether you’re here or there, you say here.SOL: What if I’m there?SARGE: Never mind.

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SOL: I can’t really say “here” if I’m not here but there.MINEY: But wherever you are is here. You can’t be there and here at

the same time.EENY: Hear hear!SOL: You’re here twice?EENY: I said, “Hear hear.” That means I’m agreeing with you!SOL: So I was right?SARGE: Elves!MEENY: He didn’t say that!SOL: So it doesn’t matter?MINEY: Well, that depends if you’re here.SARGE: Knock it off!MEENY: (After a beat.) That’s neither here nor there. (The OTHER

ELVES laugh. SARGE leans into him.) Yes, sir.SARGE: (Moves to SOL.) Look, I’ll make it easy for you. The next time

you step forward, you say “here,” got it?SOL: Yes, sir.SARGE: Wonderful. (Paces in front of the line.) Now then, you four are

in charge of our team of reindeer. It is up to you and you alone to see that our eight chargers are healthy, clean and ready for that big flight across the sky. And you all were specifically chosen for this job because of your expertise, your skills, your determination and— (Stops and looks at SOL, who’s grinning.) —having the boss owe you a favor. (SOL smiles.) Is that a smile, mister?!

SOL: Can’t tell from this side, sir.SARGE: (Continues pacing.) Now, let’s run down the list and— (Finally

catches on and spins around to glare at SOL.) From this side? (Shakes his head to clear it. He is now at SOL’S end of the line.) Count off your charges. (Again, each ELF steps forward to report, then immediately steps back.)

EENY: Dasher, Dancer.MEENY: Prancer, Vixen.MINEY: Comet, Cupid.SOL: (Looks at the others, shrugs and then steps forward.) Here! (Steps

back.)SARGE: (Explodes.) Donner and Blitzen! You are supposed to say

Donner and Blitzen!SOL: Are they here, too?SARGE: (Calms himself.) Have you taken care of them, or is that too

much to ask?

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SOL: Naw, go ahead.SARGE: (Through clenched teeth.) Are they ready or not?SOL: Near as I can tell.SARGE: (Smiles ferociously.) I am so happy.SOL: (To the others.) See? He’s happy.SARGE: (Moving on.) Next matter of business—have any of you seen

Mrs. Claus? She seems to be missing.SOL: You mean she’s not here? (OTHERS glare at him.) What? You said

she was missing.SARGE: Just tell me, have you seen her?EENY: No, sir.MEENY: We’ve been at the stables.MINEY: Getting the reindeer ready takes all our time.SARGE: Very well, then. I’d like to address some of the suggestions

from the suggestion box that Santa had us set up. (Eyes the elves.) If that’s all right with you?

ELVES: (Ad lib agreement.) Sure. Fine with me. Great idea. (Etc.)SARGE: Good. (Eyes his clipboard.) Now, it seems we’ve had some

very odd suggestions.MINEY: About us or about you?SARGE: (In MINEY’S face.) Some were about me, yes. And how did you

just happen to know that?MINEY: Lucky guess, sir.SARGE: First off, in answer to the suggestion we got most often—

(Stares at them.) —no, you cannot have Christmas Eve off.ELVES: Awwww!SARGE: Also, just out of curiosity, who came up with the idea to put

back-up lights on the sleigh? (ELVES look at SOL.)SOL: (Takes a guess.) Donner and Blitzen?SARGE: Not now!EENY: Actually, it’s not a bad idea, sir.MEENY: Or maybe fix it so it beeps when it backs up.MINEY: Maybe we could put something like that on Santa himself.

Then he could beep when he backs up. (EENY, MEENY and MINEY laugh.)

SARGE: Quiet! (They stop. SARGE looks at his clipboard.) Next item. And this is something I’ve heard—

SOL: Beep when he backs up! (Laughs.)

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SARGE: (Glares at him. He turns his laugh into clearing his throat.) As I was saying, there were also a lot of comments about scratching.

MEENY: The reindeer or us personally?SARGE: We’re talking about the reindeer!EENY: (To MEENY.) Are you itchy? Have you tried that new Yule Tide

soap?MEENY: No. Is it any good?EENY: It really is. I use it all the time.MINEY: So do I.SARGE: Can we stay on subject?MEENY: I’ve heard about it, but I’ve never tried it.EENY: Oh, you should.MEENY: Thanks for the tip.SARGE: Hey! We’re talking about reindeer here!MEENY: Is it a bar or in liquid form?EENY: You can get it both ways. I like to use the bar soap.MINEY: And it comes in lovely pastel colors, too. Yellow, green or

surprise pink.EENY: And you can get it in pine scent or lavender. And it’s so soft on

your skin, you—SARGE: Knock it off! (ELVES freeze and stare at SARGE.)EENY: (Quickly to MEENY.) And it’s medicated!SARGE: (Flings his clipboard to the ground and stares at EENY while

tapping his foot loudly. EENY smiles meekly as SARGE glares at ELVES. EENY slowly bends over, gently picks up the clipboard and hands it back to SARGE. Valiantly controlling himself.) Now, then. Listen to me carefully. I don’t want to talk about soaps. I don’t want to talk about who’s itching or anything else not having to do with our reindeer. Is that clear?!

EENY: Yes, sir.MINEY: Understood. (The others voice agreement.)SARGE: Good, excellent. Just answer me this. Are the reindeer all

healthy?ELVES: Yes, sir!SARGE: Are they well fed?ELVES: Yes, sir!SARGE: Are they ready for that long night’s flight?ELVES: (Except SOL.) Yes, sir!SOL: Wait, how can we tell that?

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EENY: They start getting frisky.MEENY: You know, ready to take off.SOL: How do they know to do that?MINEY: There’s so much Christmas magic in the air this time of year,

the reindeer can feel it.SARGE: (Tries to get their attention.) No—MINEY: Of course, it also depends on what we feed them.SOL: You mean that makes a difference, how frisky they are? (SARGE

stares at his troops dumbfounded.)MINEY: Oh, sure. I found that pure oats with a dab of honey really

makes them jump.EENY: That works?MEENY: I would’ve thought the honey would make them sluggish after

awhile.MINEY: No. On the contrary, it really gives them that extra pep. (SARGE

looks out, now whimpering quietly.)SOL: What about fresh grass? (ELVES break formation and form a

group.)EENY: Where are you going to find fresh grass up here?SOL: I send away for it.MEENY: But is it still fresh by the time it arrives here?SOL: According to the guarantee.MINEY: Could you put that with the oats?SOL: Sure, I don’t know why not. And it really makes their coats shine,

too.MINEY: Oh, I use that Yule Tide soap for that.SOL: That works on reindeer? (Unseen by the ELVES, SARGE wanders

OFF LEFT, now in a whimpering daze.)MINEY: It works on hair, fur and skin.EENY: Like I said it’s medicated. (Turns to where SARGE was standing.)

See, Sarge, we are talking about the reindeer. (ELVES look around.)MEENY: Sarge?MINEY: Now, where’d he go now?SOL: Yeah, he calls us together and then just walks off?EENY: (Calls.) Sarge? (ELVES EXIT OFF LEFT.)SOL: (As he EXITS.) Now he’s not here! (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

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Scene Three“Snow News is Good News”

LIGHTS UP DOWN RIGHT on HOST. He’s reading the local newspaper, The Snow News. HOST looks out over the newspaper.HOST: Welcome back! While we wait for the good sergeant to get more

organization into his… organization, The Santa Claus Chronicles brings you an exclusive with the editor of The Snow News. Let me tell you, if you want to know anything around here, this newspaper is the place to go. And since that’s why we’re all here, let’s meet the editor of The Snow News. (Nods RIGHT.) Ladies and gentlemen, Gladys Snowing.

GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT. Waves.) Hello, and Merry Christmas!HOST: And a very Merry Christmas to you, Gladys! You know, I just love

your name, Gladys Snowing.GLADYS: That’s my name and my nature.HOST: How’s that?GLADYS: I’m usually glad it’s snowing.HOST: And I’m sure that’s why you called the newspaper The Snow

News.GLADYS: Of course. As I always say, “Snow News is good news.”HOST: And everyone around here just loves the paper, too.GLADYS: Well, snow news to me.HOST: (To AUDIENCE.) I should warn you, she likes puns. (GLADYS

comfortably smiles at this.) Gladys, it’s all yours. (Hands newspaper to GLADYS.) Why don’t you tell the folks all about it? What’s the latest scoop?

GLADYS: Oh, with my paper we don’t say scoop, we say shovel. (Looks out.) Get it? Snow shovel.

HOST: What’d I tell you? (EXITS RIGHT.)GLADYS: (Looks out.) Well, well, well, where to begin? Our newspaper

is about like any other I suppose. I always try to keep my stories interesting and thought provoking. I never write down to anyone, which is sometimes hard to do when a lot of your readers are elves. (Smiles.) Sorry, couldn’t resist.(Indicates the front page.) First thing I like to point out is our weather report. I call it the “Sleet Sheet.” And today I wrote— (Reads.) —“Cold.” (Smiles.) Well, what did you expect? Oh, I don’t just stop there. (Reads.) “Good night to have chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Fifty percent chance of Jack Frost nipping at your nose.” (Looks out.) Another one I couldn’t resist!

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(Scans the front page.) Now, let’s see, usual stuff here, nothing really to report. But, being a good reporter I used a lot of words to say that. One news flash I know—Santa Claus is looking for Mrs. Claus but can’t locate her as yet. (Looks out and winks.) How far can she get? Don’t worry, I’m looking into that… but I have a pretty good idea what that’s all about. (Turns the page.) Oh, I have the usual columns. (Stops on a page.) Here’s our stock market report. I call it “Polar Bears and Bulls.” For those interested in certain commodities, I reported that reindeer are on the move, sleigh bells are ringing up, yo-yos keep going up and down, candy canes have come up to a curve and elf shoes are selling short. But, of course, that’s perfect for them.Let’s see, what else? Oh, here I have our column for compliments and complaints. It’s called “On the Bipolar Side.” What else? Oh, the students are having a sleigh wash. (Looks out.) They really have to be quick when they do that, you know. See, once they throw water on the sleigh, it freezes. (Turns the page.) And here are the want ads. Let’s see. (Reads.) “Wanted: one reindeer groomer, experience needed. Prefer someone by the name of Moe.” (Looks up.) That Sarge never gives up, does he?The big stories this time of year are the nice ones, you know? The ones with a little heart in them. You know how it is around Christmastime. Lots of lights and decoration and color, and people seem to get a little friendlier about now. I don’t mean just in buying and giving presents but in how they go about everyday smiling more, singing more. There’s music in the air—carols mostly—and everyone is thinking of other people rather than themselves. Oh, I know some grumble that the Christmas season seems to get longer and longer with each passing year, but is that such a bad thing? Having that lovely feeling, that sentiment, that sense of joy lasting longer and longer? I mean, wouldn’t it be lovely if it lasted year round?(Turns the page.) Oh, here! Now here is my main story. I run this one every year, and I believe it backs up everything I just said. (Unfolds the paper and hold it up. In large letters it reads “MERRY CHRISTMAS.” Smiles as she looks over the newspaper.) I couldn’t have said it better myself. (Folds the paper and puts it under her arm.) And I believe I just did! You all have a very Merry Christmas! (EXITS as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Three

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Scene Four“On the Street Interviews”

LIGHTS UP DOWN RIGHT on HOST. He holds a notepad and pen.HOST: Meeting Gladys Snowing has inspired me to do a bit of

investigative reporting myself for The Santa Claus Chronicles. I’ve been wondering, what’s the best way to find out just how people feel about Santa Claus? After all, he’s a neighbor to these folks in the North Pole. (LIGHTS SHIFT as HOST crosses CENTER.) So here I am in town square, where there’s no better place to find a true cross section of people, especially this time of year. I am conducting one of those old fashioned “on the street” interviews. (BETTY ENTERS LEFT, carrying armloads of shopping bags.) Let’s ask people about old Saint Nick. (Sees BETTY.) Oh, excuse me?

BETTY: (Pants.) What? What’s wrong?!HOST: Oh, nothing, nothing—BETTY: It’s Jeffrey, isn’t it? What did he get into now? Did he break

something? What’d he break? You can tell me.HOST: No, really. Who’s Jeffrey? (BETTY stares at him.) Your son, right?BETTY: Depends. What’d he do? What did he get into now? It’s broken,

right?HOST: Really, I haven’t seen him.BETTY: (Wide eyed, stares out.) That’s when I worry the most.HOST: No, I’m just interviewing people here in the town square about

Saint Nick.BETTY: Huh? Oh, you mean Santa Claus.HOST: Yes, of course.BETTY: Why didn’t you just say so?HOST: Well, let me ask you this. Keeping in mind this time of year,

with all the gift giving and decorations and lights and colors and—BETTY: Can you talk faster or shorter? I’m getting fallen arches. I

mean, these bags are heavy!HOST: Sorry. With all that in mind, what’re you looking forward to most

this Christmas season?BETTY: When school opens again.MERV: (ENTERS RIGHT.) There you are, Betty.BETTY: About time, Merv! (Hands MERV all her bags.) Here!MERV: (Takes the bags.) Good grief, Betty, what’re all these?BETTY: Presents.MERV: Impossible! We don’t even know this many people.BETTY: Have you seen Jeffrey?

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MERV: He’s not with you? (Wide eyed, stares out.) That’s when I worry the most.

HOST: Excuse me—MERV: You’ve seen Jeffrey? What’d he do to you? He broke something,

right?HOST: No, I’m just here asking people what they think of Santa Claus.MERV: You mean Kris Kringle, don’t you?HOST: Well, yes. He’s called by many names.BETTY: (Indicates MERV.) You should hear what I call him.HOST: Let’s save that for another day. Today I want to know, sir, what

do you think of Kris Kringle?MERV: All I can say is he must be very tired. (HOST writes this down.)

I mean, look at all this. (Indicates the bags.) And we only have one kid! Can you just imagine what Santa has to go through?

BETTY: See you later. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT.)MERV: Wait, Betty, where are you going now?BETTY: Shopping. (She’s OUT.)MERV: For what? I thought you already bought everything! Betty?!

(Rushes OFF RIGHT after her.)HOST: (Chuckles, shakes his head.) That’s one family that seems to

have more Christmas shopping than Christmas spirit. Sad, really. (MATILDA and FLO ENTER LEFT.) Here are two more citizens. Let’s see how they feel about the big guy. (HOST turns to them.) Excuse me, ladies? (MATILDA and FLO stop.)

FLO: Yes?HOST: I’m doing a survey and—FLO: Shouldn’t you be in the mall?HOST: What?MATILDA: (Speaks with an British accent.) What’s your question?HOST: I’m asking people what they think of Kris Kringle.MATILDA: I beg your pardon?HOST: Saint Nicholas?MATILDA: Oh, you mean Father Christmas.HOST: Yes, yes. What’s your opinion of Father Christmas?MATILDA: (Turns to FLO.) What do you think, Flo, old girl?FLO: Don’t call me old! (To HOST.) Don’t listen to Matilda. I’m not old.HOST: Of course not. But, tell me, what do you think of him?FLO: Well, I for one have always liked his attitude.MATILDA: What?

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FLO: Well, he’s always laughing, isn’t he? He’s… he’s… oh, what’s the word?

HOST: Jolly?FLO: That’s it, always so jolly. (HOST writes this down.) Wouldn’t it be

nice if we all were that jolly?MATILDA: (To FLO.) You should laugh as much, m’dear.HOST: (To MATILDA.) And you? What’s your take on Father Christmas?MATILDA: Well, I dare say I shouldn’t be snarky, especially at this

time of year, but I have always wondered why he constantly has to wear red?

FLO: Why? Because he’s Santa Claus! And Santa Claus always wears red.

MATILDA: He asked me, and I told him. (To HOST.) I should think he’d get tired of that one color all the time.

FLO: Forgive her. She’s not from around here.HOST: I got that.MATILDA: Nothing to forgive, old girl.FLO: Will you stop saying old?!HOST: (Writes in his pad.) Always wears red. (To LADIES.) Anything

else?FLO: No, I believe she’s said enough, thank you very much! (She and

MATILDA move RIGHT.) I can’t believe you said that! You’re older than I am!

MATILDA: That’s just an expression, Flo!FLO: Well, change it!MATILDA: What were you saying about people being jolly again? (They

EXIT RIGHT, still squabbling.)HOST: Hmmm, jolly and always wearing red. We haven’t really learned

much about Santa yet, have we? But I know there’s so much more to him. After all, many believe he represents the warmth and happiness of the season and inspires us in the spirit of giving. (MRS. CLAUS ENTERS LEFT. She is wearing a large overcoat, old hat and sunglasses.) I believe we have time for one more interview, and here’s a likely candidate. Excuse me?

MRS. CLAUS: Yes? May I help you?HOST: Just a question if you don’t mind. I’m asking people what they

think of Santa Claus. (MRS. CLAUS thinks.) Or Kris Kringle? Or Father Christmas?

MRS. CLAUS: Oh, well, that’s a very good question.HOST: I like it.

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MRS. CLAUS: I should think he spends a lot of time around the house.

HOST: Huh?MRS. CLAUS: I mean the man only works one day a year.HOST: I see. (Writes this down.) And speaking of what people call the

big guy, what do you call him?MRS. CLAUS: What do I call him? (Leans in.) I call him Snuggle Bunny.HOST: Snuggle— wait a minute! Do you mind? (Reaches over and pulls

her hat back to reveal more of her face. She smiles and takes off her sunglasses.) I thought so. (Looks out.) Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce Mrs. Santa Claus!

MRS. CLAUS: (Laughs.) Oh, you found me out.HOST: You know, Mrs. Claus, a lot of people are looking for you.MRS. CLAUS: And if anybody asks, you didn’t see me. This is a big

day, you know.HOST: Well, it will be soon. It’s still two days until Christmas.MRS. CLAUS: Uh… yes.HOST: But as I was saying, people have many different names for your

husband. How do you account for that?MRS. CLAUS: Well, I don’t know about all of them, but I can tell you

why some call him Saint Nicholas and some Santa Claus. You see, when he started out, his name got spread around mostly by word of mouth.

HOST: How do you mean?MRS. CLAUS: Well, you know that game Telephone? How things

seem to change a bit when one person tells another and then that person tells another and things tend to get a little more scrambled each time? Why, I can tell you how Saint Nicholas became Santa Claus in four steps.

HOST: Really? How so?MRS. CLAUS: It’s easy, just say it this way. (She then speaks

deliberately.) Saint Nicholas. Saint Nich-LASS. Sant N’Claus. Santa Claus. See?

HOST: Very good. I never realized that.MRS. CLAUS: Now, if there’s nothing else, I have lots to do today. Big

day, you know.HOST: Today? I’m curious since it’s still two days until Christmas. Why

is today such a big—?MRS. CLAUS: (Cuts him OFF.) Oh, I’ve said too much. I must be off.

Bye-bye. (EXITS RIGHT.)

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HOST: Well, let’s see just what we have now. (Looks at his pad.) We’ve found out that folks of the North Pole think Santa Claus is a jolly but tired man with no fashion sense who hangs around the house a lot. (Looks up.) Huh. Well, that might be how he’s viewed by his fellow citizens, but we all know he is the spirit of Christmas itself, bringing joy to children around the world. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT, then stops.) Oh, one other thing. If anyone sees Jeffrey it might be a good idea if— (A LOUD CRASH is heard OFF RIGHT. Looks over.)

MERV/BETTY: (From OFF RIGHT.) Jeffrey!HOST: (Looks out.) Never mind. (BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Four

Scene Five“North Pole Hotline”

LIGHTS UP LEFT. There is a table with two chairs. On the table are two telephones with many buttons and a sign which reads “North Pole Hotline.” Two elves, CLEO and FIONA, are sitting at the table talking quietly into headsets. HOST ENTERS LEFT.HOST: The Santa Claus Chronicles is proud to take you behind the

scenes at the North Pole to a relatively unknown part of Santa’s operation—the North Pole Hotline. As we all know, Santa brings toys to all the kids, and of course he always knows exactly what each child desires. Since Santa wants everyone to be generous and share in the spirit of giving this time of year, he offers hotline help to those who need it most—husbands. Sometimes, they haven’t a clue what to give their wives for Christmas, and who would know better than the big man himself? As the saying goes… who you gonna call? Let’s see how these hotline operators operate. (EXITS RIGHT.)

CLEO: (Into her headset.) Now, now, just take it easy, I’m sure we can help you—

FIONA: (Into her headset.) That’s right, just look around and see what you think your wife needs—

CLEO: Well, let’s start with last year—FIONA: You have to be a little sneaky. You can’t let her see you looking

around.CLEO: Right, what did you give her last Christmas? (Slight pause.)

Can’t remember.FIONA: You’ve tried that already? Now, don’t give up.CLEO: Okay, what about her birthday? What did you give her for—

(Slight pause.) Can’t remember.FIONA: I know. What about perfume? How does she smell?

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CLEO: What about your anniversary? When is your anniversary? (Slight pause.) Can’t remember. (She and FIONA both cover their microphones and look at each other.)

CLEO/FIONA: Husbands!CLEO: (Back into headset.) Have you asked her what she wants for

Christmas? (Slight pause.) She said she’s already told you. Five times.

FIONA: (Into headset.) What about bath soap? (Slight pause.) Good point. She may think you’re telling her she needs a bath.

CLEO: How about a memory course? (Slight pause.) No, for you.FIONA: I know! Give her a gift basket. (Slight pause.) No, with stuff in

it.CLEO: (Hears this.) Say, what about a gift basket? You can personalize

it with little things she likes. (Pause.) Great! (Presses a button, leans back and exhales deeply.)

FIONA: What about a gift card? You can personalize it by getting it from some place she loves to shop. (Smiles.) No problem, glad to be of help. (Pushes a button and also leans back and exhales deeply.)

CLEO: (To FIONA.) I swear, it gets worse every year.FIONA: Two days before Christmas, and they’re just now trying to think

of what to give their wives!CLEO: I know, right? And the guy I just talked to has already gotten

three presents for his dog.FIONA: Makes you wonder who he spends more time with. (CLEO

laughs. A BEEP is heard.) Hold it. I’m on. (Presses a button.) North Pole Hotline, may I help you? (Another BEEP is heard.)

CLEO: That’s me. (Presses a button.) North Pole Hotline. Can I do you some serious help? (FIONA covers the microphone and leans in to CLEO.)

FIONA: It’s Norm. (Uncovers the microphone.)CLEO/FIONA: Norm!FIONA: What’s your problem this year, Norm?CLEO: (Into headset.) I’m sorry, what was that?FIONA: Well, do you have any idea what to get her? (Astonished.)

Really?! Are you looking at a hardware catalog?CLEO: Coordinates? Who is this? (Amazed.) What?!FIONA: No, Norm, think about something that’ll make her happy.CLEO: Just a second, please. Yes, I’ll hurry. (Covers the microphone.)

Fiona!

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FIONA: (Into headset.) Work on being thoughtful. You might consider getting her a service like a pedicure or a massage. Get back to me if you’re still stuck. Bye! (Presses a button then leans over to CLEO.) What?

CLEO: I’ve got a pilot on the line.FIONA: Looking for a gift idea?CLEO: No, he’s in his jetliner asking for coordinates.FIONA: Maybe he’s lost.CLEO: You think?FIONA: I just hate it when the frequencies get crossed.CLEO: What’ll I tell him?FIONA: Go with our usual. Number forty-seven.CLEO: Forty-seven? Right. (Into her headset.) Okay, here’s what you do.

Fly another 47 miles then hang a left. Uh, ten-four.FIONA: (Corrects her.) Over and out.CLEO: Over and out. (Presses a button.) What next? (A BEEP sounds.)FIONA: Just a second, and I’ll tell you. (Presses a button.) North Pole

Hotline, the gift that keeps on giving.CLEO: I swear I should’ve never left gift wrapping.FIONA: (Into headset.) Huh? You’d like to know what?CLEO: (Leans in to FIONA.) What do they want?FIONA: Oh, I see. (Covers the microphone.) You’ll never believe this.CLEO: I say that all day long. What’s with this one?FIONA: Guy says he’s a reporter doing an article on Santa Claus.CLEO: Uh huh.FIONA: And, for his article, mind you, he’d like to know, get this, what

Mrs. Claus is giving Santa this year.CLEO: You’d think we’d get through one year without that!FIONA: Ready? (CLEO nods. FIONA uncovers the microphone.)CLEO/FIONA: (Shout.) Nice try, Santa! (FIONA presses a button.)CLEO: What a guy!FIONA: You gotta love him. (Two BEEPS are heard and the TWO press

buttons.)CLEO: (Into headset.) North Pole Hotline.FIONA: (Into headset.) Hotline at the top of the world. (LIGHTS FADE

to BLACK.)End of Scene Five

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Scene Six“The Big Surprise”

LIGHTS UP DOWN RIGHT on HOST.HOST: As we wrap up this special edition of The Santa Claus Chronicles,

I hope we’ve shed a little light on just some of the folks who support Santa Claus and keep everything at the North Pole running smoothly. But, as you well know, to get the facts in any situation, it’s best to get them straight from the horse’s mouth… or maybe I should say straight from the reindeer’s mouth. (Chuckles.) So, as promised, ladies and gentlemen, we now bring you Santa Claus himself! (LIGHTS UP CENTER to reveal SANTA CLAUS reading a very long list.)

SANTA: Ho ho ho! I do wish somebody would learn to write so a person could read it.

HOST: (Joins SANTA.) Santa, I see you’re busy at work.SANTA: Merry Christmas to you!HOST: And a Merry Christmas to you, sir. Is that the list?SANTA: The list?HOST: You know, the list of who’s naughty and who’s nice?SANTA: No, no, no. This is stuff my wife told me to pick up at the

store. (Holds up the list for HOST.) Does that say cream cheese or dill pickles?

HOST: Wow, she really does scribble, doesn’t she?SANTA: Tell me about it. Say, have you seen her? I’ve been looking

all over for her.HOST: So I’ve heard, but didn’t she give you that list?SANTA: No, she just left if for me on the sleigh.HOST: (Knowingly.) Oh, a honey-do list, huh?SANTA: What?HOST: Nothing. So, is everything ready for the big night?SANTA: (Smiles.) I’m happy to say it is. And two days early at that.HOST: So everybody has been working overtime. I mean, even more

so than usual?SANTA: They really have done a wonderful job. (Looks out.) And I can’t

wait until I can get to work delivering all those toys to the all those boys and girls. (Shakes a finger.) But they have to be in bed and sound asleep before I can come.

HOST: That’s important?SANTA: Hey, I don’t make up the rules.HOST: I thought you did.

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SANTA: Wait. (Thinks.) You know, it’s been so long…HOST: A lot of surprises for the kids, then?SANTA: Oh, I can practically guarantee that.HOST: What about you, Santa?SANTA: Me?HOST: Does anyone ever surprise you?SANTA: Oh, I’m surprised every time I see milk and cookies left out for

me when I come down that ol’ chimney. (Looks out again.) A little question here—anybody ever buy Spam?

HOST: Now, now, there’s not time for that right now.SANTA: Oh, there’s always time for Spam.HOST: No, I mean someone may have a surprise in store for you…

right now. (Waves to OFF RIGHT.)SANTA: Me? (MRS. CLAUS ENTERS RIGHT.) Honey Bear!MRS. CLAUS: Snuggle Bunny!SANTA: Hon, not in front of the elves. (Looks around.)HOST: It’s all yours, Mrs. Claus.MRS. CLAUS: Thank you. (To SANTA.) You’re always so busy this time

of year, dear, that you never think of yourself.SANTA: Hey, that’s my job.MRS. CLAUS: Well, I just thought it’s about time for one surprise you

never thought of. (Smiles and waits. Nothing happens. After a beat she repeats the line much louder.) One surprise you never thought of! (Still nothing happens. She looks OFF.) Now! (Suddenly the ENTIRE CAST, except SOL, rushes ONSTAGE, some holding wrapped presents.)

ALL: Surprise!SANTA: For me? I always forget—MRS. CLAUS: That’s right, but we didn’t. Everyone?ALL: (Except SANTA, sing.) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to

you, happy birthday dear Santa, happy birthday to you! (Just after the singing starts, SOL ENTERS pushing a rolling cart on top of which sits a large red and white birthday cake with a single candle on top. He places the cart in front of SANTA.)

SANTA: Oh, you people! Ho ho ho! You remembered that my birthday is December 23!

SOL: Mrs. Claus put me in charge of getting you this cake, Santa.SARGE: (Looks at SOL.) I wondered who owed you a favor!SANTA: (To MRS. CLAUS.) So this is what you’ve been up to all day!

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MRS. CLAUS: Yes. Just because your birthday happens to be two days before Christmas, it shouldn’t be lost in all the holiday hubbub around here. (Lights the candle.)

SANTA: I… I really don’t know what to say. Thank you all so much. (The SOUND of a JET FLYING OVER catches EVERYONE’S attention, and they ALL look up as if watching it fly from RIGHT to LEFT.)

CLEO: I told him to take a left!MRS. CLAUS: Well, make a wish and blow out the candle.SANTA: Yes, yes, of course. (Thinks briefly and blows out the candle.)GLADYS: What did you wish for, Santa?SANTA: Ho ho ho! It’s what I wish for each and every year. (Puts his

arm around MRS. CLAUS.) It’s what we all wish for.HOST: What’s that?SANTA: (Look out.) We wish you a Merry Christmas. (Sings.) We wish

you a Merry Christmas—ALL: (Sing.) We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Haappppyyy Neeeeewww Yeeeaaarrr! (They ALL cheer and wave as the LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

END OF PLAY

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ON STAGEEntire Play: Sign that reads “The Santa Claus Chronicles.”Scene One: Four chairs, podium.Scene Five: Table, two chairs, two telephones, sign that reads “North

Pole Hotline.”

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONScene One:

Laptop (SECRETARY)Notepad, pencil (REPORTERS)

Scene Two:Clipboard (SARGE)

Scene Three:Newspaper* (HOST)

Scene Four:Notepad, pen (HOST)Shopping bags (BETTY)

Scene Five:Headset (FIONA, CLEO)

Scene Six:Long list (SANTA)Wrapped presents (CAST)Rolling cart, large red and white cake with candle (SOL)Candle lighter (MRS. CLAUS)

*Newspaper is titled The Snow News and has an article inside that reads in large letters, “MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

SOUND EFFECTSSleigh bells, crash, phone beep, jet.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGFor a larger cast, the role of HOST can be made into two roles, a HOST and a CO-HOST, with the lines redistributed as you wish. Adding in carolers, bands, etc. between scenes also increases the number of people involved as well as enhancing the fun and spirit of the production. Simply have HOST introduce them in between the scenes with lines such as: “Just to show you it’s not all work and no play up here, let’s see how they have a little fun, too” or “Here’s something seasonal to enjoy, just to help us get in the Christmas mood,” etc. These performers can also be extra reporters in Scene One and extra shoppers in Scene Four.

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For a smaller cast, all parts except HOST, SANTA and MRS. CLAUS can be doubled. At a minimum, an ensemble of five actors can play all the other roles, though it would require significant and fast costume changes. In this case, you would undoubtedly want to add musical numbers between scenes to give your actors time to change costumes.

COSTUMINGCostumes should be seasonal and colorful and are fairly standard, keeping in mind these few details:

SARGE wears an elf costume like the other elves but with the addition of sergeant stripes on both sleeves.

SHOPPERS and HOST in Scene Four should be bundled in winter coats, hats, gloves, etc.

MRS. CLAUS is wearing a large overcoat, old hat and sunglasses when she first appears in Scene Four. She wears a standard MRS. CLAUS costume in Scene Six.

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