FallenAngels

poetrybyresidentsoftheCyndiKrierTaylor

JuvenileCorrectionalTreatmentCenter

inpartnershipwithGeminiInkacenterforliteraryarts&ideas

Summer2004©2004GeminiInk

Foreword

Thepoetryinthisanthologywaswrittenbyyoungpeople,butit’snotkidstuff.It’sgrittyanduncompromising,reflectingtheveryadultpainandstrugglethewritershaveexperienced.Itspeaksoflovelostandfound,ofthejoyofcommunityandthelonelinessofseparation,oftrustandbetrayalonthedeepestlevels,offaithanddespair,offierceprideandabjecthumiliation,ofmistakesandmisjudgmentsandattemptstosetthingsright. Butmostly,itspeaksofcourage,foritalwaystakescouragetospeakthetruthnecessarytotheprocessofrebuildinglives. Fortwoyears,GeminiInkwriter-in-residenceDaveRutschmanhasworkedwiththecourageousyoungpeopleattheCyndiTaylorKrierJuvenileCorrectionalTreatmentCenter.Inpoetryworkshopsliketheonethatresultedinthisanthology,theyexplorewaysoftellingtheirownstories,foritisthroughsharingstoriesthatwelearnhowtolive. Inthisanthology,theyoungpoetsarejoinedbystudentsfromSAYSí,agraphicartsprogramforinner-cityyouth.Theirphotographsspeakasloudlyaswords,reflectingtheirinnerthoughtsandemotionsandthestarkbeautyoftheworldaroundthem. Read,reflect,andsharetheirstrugglesandtheirtriumphs.

--BettButlerDirector,WritersinCommunities

GeminiInk

GeminiInk’sworkattheCyndiTaylorKrierJuvenileCorrectionalTreatmentCenter

andthispublicationweremadepossibleby:TheBexarCountyWomen’sBarFoundation

TheNationalEndowmentfortheArtsThe San Antonio Express-News

TesoroPetroleum

Specialthanksto:DaveRutschman,Writer-in-Residence

GlennFaulk,ActivitiesDirector,CyndiTaylorKrierCenterJonHinojosa,ExecutiveDirector,SAYSí

ClaudioAguillon,VisualArtsAssociateDirector,SAYSíRosemaryCatacalos,ExecutiveDirector,GeminiInk

Cover:Plaintive

Brian GonzalezAge 17

FallenAngels 5

FallenAngels 5

StephanieO.

WoundsandSorrowsDedicated to my love, we’ll always be together

ThinkingbackandsometimesforwardIseemebeinglowered.Iamyoung,beautiful,andhaveavoiceofanangel.Imakepeopleweakthewayhemakesmefeelinatangle.Iamthecolorthatrepresentsstrength.IamHispanicwiththefullestlength.Iamaqueeninforeigncountries.Iamaloverthatisassoftasadoveandassweetasarose.Iamaleaderofunknownthings,Iamagirlfriendandeverythinginbetween.Iamagoddess,Apreciousgem.Iamsomethingyouwanttolookwithin.SometimesIcryatnight,youcan’tseeitbecauseyoudon’tknowmysecretsAndeverythingthatliesinside.MystomachturnsAndsometimesIyearntofeellikeI’vebeenerasedandsomisplaced.IhavesomanyscarsandpainthatsometimesIwanttocryinvain.Youseewhypeoplewanttojudgeme,Yettheydon’tunderstandmyinsidesandconfusion.I’mnotabigillusion.Ihaveasignwhenpeoplecomenearthatsaysnointrusion.Ireallycan’texplainit.WhatIdonowisLife.ThinkingbackandsometimesforwardIseemebeingbitterlylowered.

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RaymondU.

MyLifeHasChanged

Iusedtosellalotofdrugs,Andhungoutwithgangmembersandthugs,Ihadsomanythingsandalotofmoney,AndwhenIhurtpeopleIthoughtitwasfunny.I’vegottenintoalotoftroubleandranawayfromcops,Andmyhomeboysgavemealotofprops,I’veseensomeofmyfriendsgetkilledinfrontofmyeyes,Becauseofsomeofourstupidlies,I’vehurtmyfamilyandmyself,Takingawaymyfutureandmyhealth,IneverthoughtIwouldgetlockedup,AndwhenIdidmylifewasstuck.

ButnowIthinkI’mdoingalotbetter,Andmylifehaschangedjustliketheweather,IneverthoughtIcouldsucceed,ButnowI’mstayingawayfromtheweed,Myfutureissomuchclearer,AndIseeadifferentpersonwhenIlookinthemirror.

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Water SpotsAaronGallegos

Age 14

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JoshuaG.

Success

Successisawonderfulfeeling,kindoflikewhenyouputonthatprettydresswithoutanycauseofstress.

Issuccessthegainingofwealthandfameorisittheoutcomeofawonderfulgame?

Isitonewhosucceedsevenifitmeansjusttopee.Somepeoplethinkit’sgreed.ButIthinkit’sthebeginningofanewseed.

Successiseverythingtogainright,butyoucanreallyloseeverything,itcanleaveyouwiththatremainingbruise.Kindoflikewhenyoufindthosematchingshoes.

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RoyG.

WhatisPain?

It’sthestuffthathurts,It’sthestuffatwork,Everytimeyoucry.

It’sthethingsyousee,It’stheheavyweight,Wheneversomeonedies.

It’sthephysicalandmental,It’stheemotionallystressing,Attimeswhenyouwannagiveup.

It’sabullettotheheart,Orarelativedying,Thestuffthatmakesyoustoptrying.

It’swhattheworldhasalotofAndlikestogivetoothersButwon’tshowloveforthemselvesoranother.

It’swhataltersyourdecisionsIt’stherootofallevilAnditmostdefinitelycandestroyyou.

It’sthedirtythingcalledpain.

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RosalieV.

I’magirlwhositsaloneatthemiddleofthenight,WonderingwhyIputmylifeaside,BeforeIevengottothelight.I’magirlwhoseneverfacedphysicalabuse,Butsomehowledintodruguse.Itterrifiesmetonotknowwhathappenedonthosenights,Whateveritwasmessedmeupforlife.ManytimesIaskmyself,wheredidIgowrong?WhydidIusethesesubstancestomakemefeelbetteraboutmyself?IguessthisisthepriceIhavetopay,knowingIhavetoliveitdaybyday.AttimesIfeelalone,Iwannamoveonbutdon’tknowwheretostart,Ikeeptellingmyselfalltheselies,Iwannaforgivemyself,AlthoughmyeyesstarttowaterandIbegintocry.Somethinginmeisburningforlove,somethinginmeiscallingforattention.Ibelievesomewhereinmeisanintelligentgirl,ButIhavetowannatrytogettothefantasyworld.

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VanityA.J. Saucedo

Age 16

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StephanieO.

Lil’ChrisDedicated to my homeboy Chris. You will always be in my heart. R.I.P., May, 2002.

Hewasmyboy,Theonewhoshowedmemyfirstsilvertoy.Hewasmybestfriendtilltheveryend.HewasmyhomiewhoneverdisownedmeEvenwhenmymomdisapprovedBecauseofmybadattitude.ThedayhetookhislifeWasthedayIdiedanddroppedmymic.IreadtheletterandtearspouredoutofmyeyesHittingthefloorasheavyasmycries.Hediditfromtheceilingfan.Whycouldn’tIhavebeentheretoholdhishand?Hislittleboywillneverknowhisdaddy,ButI’llseethatheknowshowmuchhecaredEvenifhecan’tbethere.AskingmyselfifIcouldhavestoppedhim.Wonderingwhyhisownhomeboymockedhim.Helovedhisgirlmorethananything,Weusedtoflowabouthimmarryingher,Whydidyoudoit?Whydon’tyouanswerme?Ican’tbelieveyouleftme.Ilovedyoumorethanlife.YouweremybrotherYoustoppedmefrompickingupthatknife.SlowingitdowniswhatIsaidButyoudiditanywaynotlisteninginstead.Nowyou’redead.Istillseeyouhangingfromyourbelt,YouthinkIdidn’tknowhowyoufelt?Iloveyou,Cease.I’llalwaysbeyourgirlIcanfeelyourightnowSittingnexttomeWithnodoubt.

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ReneS.

Idonotwishtobeapoet,Makingriddlesandrhymes,Idonotwishtobeapoet,Makingpennies,nickels,anddimes.

Iwantthebigdollars,Iwantthebigbucks,IwantmytrashtolookLikeamillionbucks.

Doesthissoundsogreedy,Seemsounfair,Ifyoulookatmyexpression,YoucantellIdon’tcare.

ButthetruthisthatIdon’tneedmoney,AllI’mreallydoingistryingtobefunny.

SoIhopeyouhadalaugh,Hopeyoucrackedasmile,BythewaycanIborrowtenbucks,I’llpayyoubacktomorrow.

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TimothyR.

TheMazeofMyLife

Onthebrightestnightsandthedarkestdays,leftwithnotimetoplay.Stuckinalifelikeamazedoingcrimestogetpaid.Inandoutofjail,walkingdownatrail,halfwaytoHell.Iwasflyingthroughtheskywatchingmyfamilyandfriendscry,notwantingtoseethetearsfallfromtheireyeswhenIdie.Timeaftertimethecopscometoshine.Standingatmydoorhearinghitthefloor,Idipoutthebacktohearagaugecrack,fallingtomykneeswithbloodonmypants.Iwokeupwithchainsattachedmakingbabystepslookthroughthecracksseeingmylifeslippingbyandonceagainthecriescomebacktotheman,asthedaysfalloffandthetimedropsbyonthestreetImeetthemiseryofmylifeagainhittingadeadendsittingwithafriendsmokingthesamedrugsoverandoveragain.Comingbacktothemaze,I’mlockedupagain,thankingGoditisn’tthestatepen.Ilost3kidsand2babymammas,ifIlosethislastonethereisgoingtobesomedrama.WellallI’mtryingtosayisIwillseeyouwhenImakeitoutofthismazeandtoGodIgivepraise.Asnightturnsdayanddayturnsnightthebirdstakeflightthisisalittleofmylife.I’mthebirdthattakesflightfortheevilismynight,andgoodismyday.Stuckinthisplaceitlooksliketheendoftheroad.There’smanywaysoutbutonlyoneforme.Seeeverybodyhasonewaytoescape,mywayisdeath.Nomatterwhattimeofdayornight,allIwantistogiveupmylife.NoonethinksIcandoanythingright,wellit’stimetoletgoandshowwhattheworldwouldbewithoutme,Timothy.Iwillleavemygirl,myfamilyandmylife,Igiveuponrunningtostayalive,thereisnooneformesonowIshalllayinR.I.P.Don’ttrytostopmenow,withthe9tomyheadIshallbedead.FortoolongIledmysoldiersintowarandlessthanhalfcomeback.Allissilent,thelakes,rivers,andoceanlaystill.Nowindblows,notreemovesfromsidetoside.Nobirdinflightonthiscolddarknight.“Bang!”Likeapetalfromarosefallstotheground,Ifallinabloodbedwhilemysoulfloatsaboutmylifelessbody.Allmypainisgonewithmetoroamtheearthtostopthemisery.

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BandagesBrian Gonzales

Age 17

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CrystalV.

Life

Iammyownfriend,Proudofbeingaliveinaworldofhate.Self-employeeontheghettostreets,GhosttownCassianoCourtsiswhereIsleep.

EverydayIwatchmybackNeverknowwhensomeonewillpullOutagap.AthugfromtheWestSide,ButyetIthinkofsuicide.

Myheartisfullofdeepwoundsandscars,Ihadnofearaslongasmystrapwasnear.NowI’mlockedupbehindfourwalls,SoIjustguessitwasmytime,Ihurtsomanypeople,I’minconsiderateascanbe.Toseeoneoverdoseitwasn’tscary.

Iwaslivingalifeofnegativity.Iwanttogohomebutyetit’sbroke,ThesescreamsIhearIsometimesfear.

Igrewupwithhate,soItreatthesame.Icouldstillhearthosefiendspagingandcallingme.Pleasejuststop,waitit’sjustallinsideofme,IfeelI’mgoinginsane.Everything’sspinningI’mtiredofallthispain.

IreminiscewhenIhungfromthestairsWithanextensioncordtiedaroundmyneckIreallythoughtthatwouldbemylastbreath.

NowIstandstrongwithmyheaduphigh,Iwon’tbackdown,Ihavetoomuchpride,ButwhenIwillbefreeIdonotknow,Ifeellikeananimalwaitingtobereleased.TheysayI’mathreattosocietyYettheydon’tevenknowme,IbarelyknowmyselfI’montheedgewaitingtoFinallyletgo.

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JanieG.

Chance

Here’satoasttotheoneIlovethemostTomyjefatheonenevertoboast

SorryforIhavehurtyouinthepastIneverwantedforthispaintolast

IwishIcouldchangemywrongstorightsCausewhatI’veputyouthroughreallybites

YoulookedsostressedoutDamnIhatemyselfBecauseIwonderwhatyoufelt

SopleasenevergiveuponmeCauseyou’remyjefaTheonewhomademe

You’reastrongbrownChicanaMuchoamorpormimamaYoustuckaroundwithmeEventhoughIhurtyouWiththeloveporvida

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LauraP.

AsthedaysslowlypassIalwayssaytomyself,whycouldn’tIlast?IsaidIwasnevergonnagetlockedupagainButnowlookwhereI’mat.OnlyifIknewhowtoact.IthoughtIwasallgrownupAndknewrightfromwrong,ButobviouslyIcan’ttellrightfromwrongBecauseifIdidIwouldn’thavetofaceAllthestrugglesandpainThatInowfaceeveryday.Beinglockedupisnoteasy.EspeciallythatI’m3monthspregnant.It’sjustsuchashameButI’mtheonetoblame!NowallIcoulddoispraytoGodTohelpmechangemyfoolishwaysAndleadmetherightwayIwannaopenmyeyestotherealworldAndstopplayingchildishgames!Whilemybaby’sdaddyisoutinthefree,Onlyifheknewhowitwouldhurtme,Tofindouthe’sseeingsomeonenew.SometimesIwonderifthisistrueOrjustadreamOramIeverleavingthisplaceItallseemsendlessIt’scausedmesomuchstress.

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AbandonedLauren Martinez

Age 15

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TimothyR.

MyLoveforYou

Myloveforyouissogreat,Myloveforyouisnomistake,Myloveforyousplitstheocean,Myloveforyoushakestheearth,Myloveforyouissohigh,Myloveforyoufloatsinthesky,Myloveforyouiseverlasting,Myloveforyouisnevercrashing,ThisismyloveforyoufrommyheartpraytoGodItneverfallsapart.Myloveforyouisheretostay,SowhatI’mtryingtosayIloveyougirleveryday.

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Anonymous

Wokeupthismorning...

Wokeupthismorningblamingmyself,MymompassedawaywhenIwasonlytwelve.Shewaswithmetwenty-fourseven,AndIcriedwhenshelefttoheaven.Shewaslikemybestfriend,ButnowIknowI’llneverseeheragain.Aftershediedmyunclewouldabuseme,Thenmywholefamilystartedtoaccuseme.Ialwayskeptittomyself,Inevershareditwithnooneelse.IstartedrunningawaycauseIneededsomehelpAndIendedupbehindacell.IdidsixmonthsatCampbellGriffin,WhenIgotoutsomestuffwasdifferent.Ihadajobandwenttoschool,Andatthatmomenteverythingwascool.Imetthisguywhotreatsmeright,Andhealwaystoldmethatit’llbeallright.AftertwoyearsIwentbacktoJuvy,Forrunningawayandbeingsoscrewy.NowI’mhereatSouthtonDoingninemonthsandthinkingofthefriendsIshould’vechosen.I’vegonethroughroughtimesandsometimesIfellButIthankGodcauseHewastheretohelp.Lifeishardandweallmoveon,AndnomatterwhathappensinlifeWeshouldalwaysstaystrong.

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MeganY.

Areyouthere?

AsIsitherewithsorrowandpain,IthinkbacktowhenIsawyoulyinginyourgrave.BeforeyouleftyousaidnottoworryButyouleftinsuchahurry.WhatdoIdowhenIamdown,Ineedyoubackaround,Areyouuptherewatchingdowninthecloudsthatareround?Areyouuptheresmilingdownthroughtheholethatwasfound?WellIloveyouIhopeyouknow.Rememberthatandneverletgo,SoholdmenearandwhisperinmyearallthelovelythingsthatIlovetohear.Don’tworryIknowyou’renear,Andnowmyfearswillsoondisappear.

Dedicated to:Trudie Ward, in loving memoryR.I.P. 4.16.03

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Virgin MaryDesaray Elizondo

Age 17

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JanieG.

TheWestSide

TheWestSideismysideoftown.Iwouldprefertolivetheretherestofmylife.

TheWestSideisghettobutIloveit.

TheWestSideisthebestplacetobe,withthesummerbreezehittingyourface.Thewarmsunlightagainstyourbody,itjustfeelssoright.

TheWestSidestreetsfullofkidsrunningaround,playingball,runningbehindtrees,playinghideandseek,eatingwatermelon.Youcanseethegirlsplayingjumpingropeandtheboysplayingfootballinthestreets.

TheWestSideismykindofhood,theadultsplayingcumbañamusicfromtheircars.OntheWestSideoftownyoualwaysseeorsmellsomeonehavingbar-b-que.Thepinata’scandyfallingtotheground.Childrenruntothecandyandpickitupoffthefloor,afterthattheyseewhogotthegoodcandyandthemost.Allofthegrandma’shousesarealwaysfullofpeople.Thegardenstheyhavearecolorful,beautiful.

TheWestSideyoucanfeelwelcome.Everyoneknowseachother.YoufeellikeonebigfamilyandformelivingontheWestSidemakesmehappy.

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The Beauty Upon the MessJessica Barrera

Age 17

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TimothyR.

HereISit

Iwaslostinthistimeofpainandcrime,FeelthatI’mlosingmymind.Mygirlsitswithasmileonherface,Walkingthroughthetrailswithoutatrace.Imetyouatafriend’shouseonarainynight,Forthethunderandlightgaveyouafright,IheldyoutightnotknowingyouweregoingtochangeMylife.NowasIsitinaplacewherethereisnosunlight,Ihaveapictureofyouthatmakesmynightsbright,Wewouldlaughandjokeplaygamesinthesnow,ButasI’mlockedawaywhenIseeyouIwishtostay.Asmyblooddripsdownfrommyopenwounds,YourloveIlookupontoclosethemsoon.HereIsitinthedusttoreadyourletteryes,Imust.FornowIsleepalone,SoIloveyou,Can’twaittogethome.

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RiverAli Huser

Age 14

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MeganY.

MakingitThrough

Dedicated to my loved one, you will always be in my heart. I love you.

AsIsithereandthinkofyou,Ithinkofhowwe’regonnamakeitthrough.Rememberwhenyousaidyoudidn’twantmetoleave?WellI’mrightheresoyoubetterbelieve.We’vebeenthroughhardtimesandstrugglesButIknowwecancompletethispuzzle.I’mforreal,thisisn’tagame.Solet’sjustmaintain.Myloveforyouwillneverfade,Itwillalwaysbeablazingflame!

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ThomasC.

FallenAngel

Thefallenangelfelltoday.Hefellfromheaven,helosthisway,hiswinghasbroken,hishalohasgoneaway.Thefallenangelfarfromhomeontheearth,aplacetohimthat’sdifferent(it’sworse).Helooksaroundatthesuffering,thepainheremembersfreewillbutthisisinsane.Whywouldapersonletanotherstarve,whenhehadfoodandhisstomachwaslarge?Whathappenedtocompassion,tocharity,andsharing?Togivingyourneighbortheclothesyou’rewearing?Hisfatherwassadyetthisworldhewassparing,hecouldenditwhenever,westillhaveachance,toturnourlivesovertohimwitheverygesture,everyglance,toprotecteachotherandalltheanimalsandplants.Toturnourlivesovertohissonandaccepthisplan.Hegaveusasavioragifttoacceptandeverydaysincehe’sneverslept.

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Youcameoutofthepen,Youwentbackin,YoucameoutagainandmadethoseN’s.

Backonyourfeet,Thewaylifewasmeanttobe.Youhelpedmesomuch,YouevenhatedwhenIdiddrugs.

AtonetimeIlivedwithyou,IneverhadthecouragetosayIloveyou.Youtreatedmelikeyourveryown,Eventhoughyouhadyourbabygirl.

Iloveyousomuchfortakingmein.Iwon’teverforgetaboutthosetimesweHadbackthen.IreallyhopeyoureminiscethetimeyouLivedwithme.Weallthoughtwe’dlivetheretildeathSetusfree.

Nowyouhaveafamiliaofyourown,IreallywishIcouldcomebackhome,Primoyouwerelikemydad.

YoutoldmeifIgraduateyou’dhookmeup.AtleastIknowitwon’tbedrugs.

Yourideonspinna’s,Andhaveagreatamountofferia.IknowyouwerehurtwhenIgotlockedup.YouhadaguiltyconscienceandyourmindWasallmessedup.You’reprobablythinkingyouhavetoomuchOfacoldhearttocare.ButI’monewhoknowsthestuffyouHideinside.

YougotasoftspotthatIcanseewhenIlookinyoureyes.Behindthatsmileandbeneaththelies,Thereisamanwithalotofpride.

Wellpontetruchaandpleasedon’tscrewUp,Don’tworryaboutmecauseI’llbefineI’llstandmyground,AndIwon’tletyoudown.

CrystalV.

Primo

to my primo

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AndrewA.

TheTruth

Thetruthyouhaven’ttoldMe.ThingsthataregoingOn.WhatI’mfeeling.IdoneedsomeonetoholdMe.IhavethatparticularpersonInmind.YoulookbeautifulinallbutIdidn’tthinkyoucouldlookSofine.MybrotherlockedupforsomeThinghedidn’tdo.IdothinkGod’stryingtoSendmeasign.AndwiththatpersonguidingMethroughlifepassingawayThinkaboutitdoyoureallyThinkI’mfeelingok?

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Gabrielle

Strong,Beautiful,andIntelligent

Strong,beautiful,andintelligent,thatiswhatIamLikethesunthatkeepsusgoingAndshinesacrosstheland.

Yes,strong,beautiful,andintelligent,thatiswhatIam,LikethewomanwhogavebirthTotheboywho’snowaman.

Strong,beautiful,andintelligent,thatiswhatI’llbe,Liketheraindropsthatfloodtheground,soontobecomeasea.

Strong,beautiful,andintelligent,ThatiswhoIhavebecomeLikethedayGodchosemysoulBeforemylifehadbegun.

Yes,strong,beautiful,andintelligent,ThisiswhoIamLiketheshellthatpondersamidstthesea,andhasdriftedtothesand.

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StephanieO.

UsingMe

LoveisawordthatcomesfromtheheartButsomanysayitrightfromthestartNotknowingitneverfadesapart.

LoveisawordpeopletakeforgrantedWhenyouusedtotellmeyoulovedmeItmademybodywarmthenI’dsitthereLookingallstupidanddumbLikeapieceofgumThatyouhavechewedsomuchitlosesitstasteNowIknowitwasjustawasteAndnowI’mbeingreplacedYoudidn’tcareaboutmeorhowI’dfeelyoujustneedsomeonetohavethatpleasure.Yousaidthiswasadesperatemeasure.JusttoletyouknowI’msomethingtotreasure.ButIguessthat’sitnoonetocareItwasonebigdare.Okay.YoufooledmemorethananythingbutIdon’tcareBecauseIliveanotherdayAsyouaremimickingandwantingmetostay.

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GregoryS.

Life

Lifeistooshortsodon’tthrowitaway.IprayatnighthopingthatGodshowsmetheway.ButwhenwegotbeeforwhenitcomesdownTothe9mm.heatIhopeI’mnottoBetheonetobelaidtosleepwhilemyFamilyandfriendspraytoGodthatIrestinpeace.BeingbehindbarsdreamingandthinkingAboutdrivingfancycarsthinkingwhyisLifesohard.LivinginthefastlaneorbeingInthedopegameain’tthethangwhenyouSittin’behindbarswishingthatyoucouldHavechangedwhenyouthoughtlifewasAllaboutbeinginthedopegame.AndafterawhileyougettiredofhearingControl,openFox2oryou’llgettiredofWearingthosecountyblues.Lifeistooshort:Don’tdocrimeBecauseonlylosersdotime.

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DumpsterAaron Gallegos

Age 14

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GregoryS.

What’sUp,World?

WeliveinthisworldlikeRatsinacageateachothersthroatsbecauseofBloodyrage.ThisworldcouldmisleadyourefusetogoastrayDrugsweusetakemanylivesaway.AmanwhohasfaithwillfindabetterwayLostinaworldofinsanitytruthcanbeFound.SomuchangerandhatewegetaswegoroundWewillneverberespectedashumanbeingsUntilwereactasnormalorintelligenthumanBeings.ManismindandallowthemtofindthetrueDesign.WearetheAmericandreamBecomecleanfollowmedowntotheJORDANSTREAMrememberwearethe AMERICANDREAM.

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WendyG.

MySweetMother

Ihadamotherandshewasverysweet.Duringthefuntimes,shealwayscaredaboutme.

WhenIwasdown,ordrowninginself-doubt,AllIhadtodowascallhername,andshewouldalwayshelpmeout.

Wehavebeenthereforeachother,alwaysthroughthickandthin.WhentherewasasecretthatIdidn’tknow,shewouldalwaysletmein.

Shewillneverleavemyheart,nomatterwhereshegoes.She’smyoneandonly,she’smyonlytruelove.

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WendyG.

Iam

Iamagirlwho’sbeenlockeduptwice.Iamapersonwho’shadaroughlife.Iamadaughterhidingdepression.Iamacousinmakingabadimpression.IamyourfriendactinglikeI’mfine.Iamawisherwishingthislifeweren’tmine.Iamafriendwhosometimesiscruel.Iamagirlsittingnexttoyou.Iamtheoneaskingyoutocare.I’myourbestfriendhopingyou’llbethere.

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HotlineNicoleAnnVasquez

Age16

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MeganY.

Please

AllthesestrugglesAlltheseliesAllIwanttodoishide.AtnightIsitinmyroomandcry.ThenIaskGodwhy.Whycan’tIjustdie?Mylifeisnothingbutaroughride.Please,God,tellmewhy,WhydoIhavetotakethisride?IsitbecauseIsnortedcocaine?OrisitbecauseIleftwhenyoucame?PleaseGodI’mgoingthroughsomuchpain,EvenmyfamilythinksI’mlame.AmItheonetoblame?Pleasestaybymyside,Andthenwe’lltakethisride.

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IhaveawallyoucannotseeBecauseit’sdeepinsideofmeItblocksmyheartoneverysideAndhelpsemotionstheretohideYoucan’treachinIcan’treachoutYouwonderwhatit’sallabout

ThewallIbuildthatyoucan’tseeResultsofmyinsecurityEachtimemytenderheartwashurtThescarswithingrewworseandworseSostonebystoneIbuildawallThat’snowsothickitwillfall

Pleaseunderstandthatit’snotyouContinuetryingtobreakthroughIwantsomuchtoshowmyselfAndlovefromyouwouldreallyhelpSobitbybitchipatmywallTillstonebystoneitstartstofall

IknowtheprocesswillbeslowIt’snevereasytoletgoOfhurtsandfailureslongingrainedUponone’sheartfromyearsofpainI’msoafraidtoletyouinIknowImightgethurtagain

ItrysohardtobreakthewallButseemtogetnowhereatallForstoneuponeachstoneI’vestackedAndleftbetweenthemnotacrackTheonlywaytomakeitfallAreimperfectionsinthewall

IdidthebestIcouldtobuildAperfectwallbuttherearestillAfewsmallflawswhicharethekeyTobreakingthroughthewalltomePleaseuseeachflawtocauseacrackToknockastoneoffofthestack

ForjustasstonebystonewaslaidWitheveryhurt,witheverypainSostonebystonethewallwillbreakAslovereplaceseveryachePleasebetheonewhocaresenoughTofindtheflawsnomatterwhat

JanieG.

StonebyStone

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LauraP.

Twoyearsagobackin’02,MyhomeboyDomeleftme,Icouldn’tbelieveitwastrue.AsIwassippingthelastsipinmycup,MyhomeboyDomewasoutgettingshot,NowIsithereandwonderwhythatgirlhadtosethimup.IquestionmyselfwhythishadtohappentomeWasitmewholefthimtodie?ItbreaksmyheartknowingthatDomewasonly19andheain’therewithme.ButitmakesmehappyKnowinghisspiritisflyingfree.

R.I.P. Dome 72, dedicated to you.

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La VirgenSara Hinojosa

Age 15

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JonathanA.

SweetDreams

OnceuponatimeIwastwomonthsold.Slowlydrowningintheplacenta.

Iwasanembryo.

Kickingthewallstryingtobreakfree.Umbilicalcordwrappedaroundmyneckchokingme.

TheninthmonthoflaborIfinallybrokeout.WouldImakeit,Faithwasatdoubt.

Iopenedmyeyestoseeaflashoflight.Mylifeallofasuddenbegantoignite.

Whowasthiswomanwithreliefonherface?WhereamIat,Idon’trecognizethisplace?

AcoupleofdayslaterIwasbroughttomyhome.That’swhenIfoundoutIwasn’talone.

Ihadtwosistersandoneolderbrother.SixmonthsintolifemyfatherIdiscovered.

Whoisthisguystaringatmeamazed?Jointinhismouth,eyessoglazed.

IwassixyearsoldwhenIheardmymother’scries.Lookatthisdudewithguiltinhiseyes.

Iruntomom’sroomandfindherlyingstill.Herheadrisesupandbloodstartstospill.

Istartscreaming,mybrotherrunsin.IawakefromaflashbackdoseduponVicoden.

AnadolescentgonewrongsinceIwasthirteen.Addictedto“Mary,”I’madopefiend.

Lockedupnowtryingtochangemyways.SoIcanlivelifewithsomebetterdays.

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AmandaR.

IWant

Iwantsomecottoncandywithastrawberrylollipop.Iwantallflavoredicecreamwithacherryontop.Iwantsomecookieswithchocolatecake,andthisiswhatI’mcraving.IfonlyIcouldhaveitnow,wouldn’tthatbeamazing.HowaboutabananasplitwithsweetJellointhemiddle.Whycan’tsomestaffjusthookmeup,ifnotalotatleastalittle.IalsowantsometeriyakichickenWithaneggrollandsomerice.IwantalargepizzawithParmesancheeseandextraspice.Iwantenchiladaswithextracheeseontop.WithanextralargeBigRedsodapop.IwantatacofromRolando’sCausethey’regoodandthey’restuffed.Eatingallthiswillneverbeenough.WantingandwantingisallIcando,Hopingyou’llseewhatpregnancycandotoyou.

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AmandaR.

WasMe

AsIsitherefeelinglonelywithoutasmileonmyfaceIcanfeelmyheartbeatdrummingataverysoftpace.Ithenlookoutmywindowandseethesoftdropsofrain.Everydropthatfallsremindsmeofmypain.IhurtinsideforthethingsthatIhavedone.Nodoubtpaybackwillhitmehardercauseitfeelsithasjustbegun.IhadachoicetoturnmylifearoundanddowhatIthoughtbest.NowIhavetopaythepriceforfailingadrugtest.Ididn’tcarehowmuchIhurtmyfamilyevenifIcausedthempain.Ionlycaredaboutmyselfandtheheroinnotmissingthevein.InowrealizethechangesIcould’vemadeandthingsIcould’veaccomplished.IwishIhadthechancetochangethepastinsteadofbeingselfish.I’mslowlylearningtoforgiveandforgetwhichisthehardestthingtodo.ButwhenfacingrealityIrealizedandtoldmyselfthepersonwhoyouthoughtyouwereReallyisn’tyou.

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SweetieSable Mireles

Age 15

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JoshuaG.

Love

Loveissopainfulit’slikeaknifedeepinyoursoul.Lovecanreallyhurtandreallybreakyourheartforexamplesetyoubacktothestart.

Loveisafeelingthatshowsyoucarebuttheninasplitsecondit’sgoneinthinair.Loveisthatspecialfeelingyougetwhenyouknowyou’renotaloneandyoualwayshavesomeonetotalktoonthephone.

Loveiskindoflikeadrugandalsowhenyou’rethinkingthatyou’rethatbig-timethug.Thenittossesyououtlikeanoldbeat-uprug.

Lovecanalsomeanagreatthingespeciallywhentheyputonthatbigdiamondring.

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LisaC.

FatalLove

WalkingaroundhidingmybruisesAndiftheywereseenIwouldjustmakeexcuses.Alwaysblackandbluefromheadtotoe,ButIwasjusttooscaredtoletanybodyknow.FlinchingeverytimeyougottoocloseIneverknewwhenyouweregoingtoexplode.Lyingeverytimeyouaskedmeforthetruth,IfyoufoundoutIknewwhatwouldyoudoIwouldscreamatnightcuzitwasyouIfeared,ButyouwouldtellmetoshutmymouthbecauseSomebodymighthear.MywholebodywouldhurtsomuchthatafterawhileIwouldbecomenumb.ButIthoughtthatwasthepriceIhadtopayIfIwantedtobeloved.

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WendyG.

Home

ItseemssofarawayIfeelI’llnevermakeitthatwayTheselongroadshighandlow,Idon’tknowwhichwaytogo.

TherearedifferentroadsthatIcouldtakeButit’ssohardtochooseCauseI’mscareditmightbreakloose.

Homeseemssoclosetomenow,Allmyfamilyislike,“Wow!”AstheysitathomewonderinghowIgrewIalsowonderhowIdidittoo.

NowIlookatthisoneroadthatgotmyattentionAnditlookslikeit’llbemydestination.

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Ohio Street BridgeMaryabeth Murphy

Age 14

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Gabrielle

PastMySoul

ThereisnotasecondoftimethatgoesbythatIdon’tthinkaboutyourbeautifulface.ThememoriesthathauntmysoulandthepasttimesIcannoterase.You’vebeenthereformethroughitall,tohelpmeseeandnottofall.Youlovedmeunconditionally,yousawthroughmysoul,whenIcouldnotsee.Andforthat,eventhoughyou’renotherewithme,foreverinmyheartiswhereyou’llbe.

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AlbertG.

NeverTrustGirls

Nevertrustgirlswitheyesofgray.Theykissyouonceandwalkaway.Nevertrustgirlswitheyesofgreen.Theykissyouonceandmakeyouscream.Nevertrustgirlswitheyesofbrown.Theykissyouonceandturnyoudown.Alwaystrustgirlswitheyesofblue.Theykissyouonceandaskfortwo.

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D’OndraF.

Iamabee

Iamabee.Iamabeelookingfortheonlythingthatpleasesme.Iamabeehunting,searchingforthehoneytreeIneedtofeed.Iamabeefromajunglewhoissearchingforthatstickygoldensweetsubstancetosatisfymysoul.Iamabeethat’ssearching,looking,huntingtryingtofindthatLovelyhoneytreethatIneedtosurvivethiswildlife.IamabeethathassearchedforthishoneytreeandnowIfoundthistreethatwasrightinfrontofmyeyesforthewholetime.IamabeelookingforthethingIlovemostsearchinguntilIfoundthethingthatpleasesmysoulwhichisthehoneyfromthehoneytreethatInowsee.IamabeeflyingthroughthiscolorfuljungleworldwithtreessohightheyblocktheprettyskyandcolorfulflowersIseewhenIamflyingbyheadingformyhoneytree.IamabeehappyinmyhoneytreebecauseIhaveeverythingIneedtosatisfymysoul.

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Stand AloneErica Garcia

Age 14

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LisaD.

Whenyoucut,itmakesyoubleedWhenyouscream,you’reinneedWhenyouwant,greedcomesinfrontWhenyouspeak,yourwordsarebluntWhenyoucry,yourtearswillflyWhenyoulie,youstarttodenyButwhenyoubelieve,youwillberelievedBythepoweroffaithWhatwillbeengravedIsthatyouaresaved.

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Window of Broken PromisesShandaMartinez

Age14

58 FallenAngels FallenAngels 59

LisaD.

Brother

SittinginthistinylittleroomWishingIcouldjustseeyouMaybeyoudon’tevenhaveaclueHowmuchyoureallymeantomeI’mtellingyoutothemosthighestdegreeThinkingaboutthepastarememoriesthatwillAlwayslastJustforawhileIwillbeawayButsoonIwillbehometostayLoveisnotawordIusuallyscreamandshoutIonlysayittothepeopleItrulycareaboutYouaremyoneandonlybrotherBecauseofcoursewehavethesamemotherAdoptedatbirth,ThankGodforthisearth.Asdaysgoby,IwishIcouldcallyouJusttosayhi.AndnevereverwillIsaygoodbyeBecausemeandyouwillneverbeapartNoonecanseparateusbyheart.

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LisaD.

MyPain...

AllmypainisdeepinsideInmyheartiswhereithidesSometimesyoucanseeitinmyeyesIthurtssobadandmakesmecryatnightMypainiswhatIneedtofightIdon’tknowifIwilleverbeallrightLockedupsurroundedbythesegatesAndbehindgraydoorsMakesithurtevenmoreSometimesIwonderaboutthispainAndwillitevergoaway?AllmypainthatI’vebeenthroughHasiteverhappenedtoyou?Maybesoormaybenot,Idon’tknow,Itwasjustathought.I’vebeenbeatendown,cursedtotheground,Overdosedanddiedalmost.Gunstomyhead,millionsoftearsshedAndhospitalizedinabed.BeforeIwenttoGodasmyguideIevenattemptedsuicide.Rapedthreetimesandcommittedatleastadozencrimes.ThroughallthosethingsIwasallaloneYetnowIfeelnakedBecauseallmypainhasbeenshown.

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CrystalV.

Chemicals

Youhelpedmethroughlife,Andit’sstillhardformetoSwallowmypride.

Istillbelievedyingiseasy,Causelifeishard.IcouldhearyoutellingmetoLivelifetothefullest,Causeweonlyliveonce.

Butit’sonlyhardformeBecauseofwhereIgrewup.Gangsanddrive-bys,Andtheyoungdying.

Killingthemselvesbyintramuscularinjections,ButyetI’mtheonefeedingthemtheseSubstances.

Chemicalsflowingthroughone’sveinsAndbloodcellsdeadinthebrain.BlueRaggersandFlakeFlaggersBeatingeachotherwithbatsanddaggers.

Deadandburied6ft.deepintheground,NotabletohearasoundOfthesobbingandmourning.

Thefamilycrytears,WithnothingbuthatetocalmTheirfears.

Icouldhearitnow,It’saperfectsound,It’smyjefe’svoicetellingmetoHoldontotheend.

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Opposing ForcesNicolas Eblen

Age 14

62 FallenAngels FallenAngels 63

AmandaR.

WhoAmI?

MypastdescribeswhatI’vebeenthroughAndothersmayseemedifferentlyButwithoutknowingwhoIamwithinTheywillneverknowtherealme.ManypromiseshavebeenbrokenandCarelessexpressionshavebeenchosen.AmIstrongenoughtoletthisgo,Thebadfeelingsandwordsthatwerespoken?IwashurtwhenheleftmeandHurtwhenhelied.IwashurtwithMixedemotionsandmypastwithdifferentsides.IfeelhatetowardthedrugAndtheguywhobroughtmedown.IfeelhatetowardmyselfforLettingthisbeallowed.I’vebeenhappyAndmadforthetimesthatI’vehad.BeingwhereIamtodayiswhatreallymakesmeglad.WhyatthistimeaboutmyselfIfeelconfused?IknowIamintelligent,havewhatittakes,Knowtherightthingstodo.WhydidIgothroughsuchsadnessatAveryyoungage.HopingagoodfeelingWillcomeandnotsuddenlyfade.Manythoughtsofmyselfalwayscometomind.WhoandwhatIamasapersontomeIsundefined.

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LisaC.

MyHeartbeat...

Youweremyheartbeat,Theretokeepmealive.TheretohelpmethroughmystrugglesAndhelpmesurvive.AheartbeatissomethingNoonecanlivewithoutAndyouwerealwaystheretosavemeWhenIwasdrowninginself-doubt.YouhelpedmetogetthrougheachdayWithasmileonmyface.YouhelpedmetobestrongAndtaughtmetohavefaith.IwonderifyoueverknewHowhighlyIthoughtofyou.TomeyouweresobraveAndyouneverletanythinggetinyourway.Andwhenthingsgottough,Youneverletmegiveup.Thankyouforneverlettingmewelcomedefeat.Ilovedyoumorethananything...Youweremyheartbeat.

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FrankT.

I’vebecome

I’vebeenlockedawayformonths,NowseeingwhatI’vebecome,RememberingwhereI’mfrom.I’mfromaneighborhoodWherenotmanykidsareuptogood,Notdoingwhatweshould.Wheretherearedrugsandgangs,Kidsdon’tcareiftheirliveshang,Alwayshearingthesoundbangbangbang.Aplacewherekidsjustreallydon’tcare,Wherelifereallyisn’tfair,Youcangetshotjustcauseyoustared,Justbeingthereisadare.Wherekidswastetheirlives,Joininggangssotheycansurvive,Causetheyreallydon’twanttodie,It’stakenme6monthsjusttorealizeThatI’mlivingthislife.

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Boot TracksAmanda Flores

Age 16

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FrankT.

VisitingDay

Onlyseeingthemonceaweek,Wakingupfrommysleep,MyfamilyiswhatIseek.OvertonsofpeopleandtablesSeeingthemkeepsmestable,HowIwishthiswasafableThiscan’tbecapable,MebehindbarsForstealingcarsItookittoofarFarbeyondwhatIeverthought,CauseIthoughtIcouldn’tbecaught,ButIsitonvisitingday,ThinkingofhowIwanttostop.

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Swinging Toward the FutureDesaray Elizondo

Age 17

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LisaC.

Secrets

Youaskedmeaboutmysecrets,whattheywere,butIcan’ttelluexactly,onlythattheyhurt.Tokeep‘embottledupinside,theyleftmewithscarsthatIconstantlytry2hide.Idon’twantnobodytoknowofthethingsthatwenton,butIwilltelluthatthethingsthathappenedtomewerewrong.Inthebackofmymindthosedarksecretswillalwayshide.Maybeonedayifulookcloseenough,inmyeyesyou’llseethosesecretsifit’syouwhoItrust.

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Raw QualityMorgan Duran

Age 17

70 FallenAngels

RoyG.

Why?

Whydoestheearthrevolvearoundthesun?Whyismoneygreen?Whydopeoplekill?Whycan’tIseeGod?Whydopeoplehavetenfingers?Whydopeopleknowinglydohurtfulthings? Why?Why?Why?Whydopeopledie?Whyislifedifficult?Whyarepeoplehowtheyare?Whyismoneysoimportant?Whycan’tlifebeharmless?Whycan’twegetalong? Why?Why?Why?Whyaredrugsmade?Whyaregunsmade?Whydoesn’teveryonecare?Whydothesequestionsgounanswered?WhydoIhavesomany?Whydobadthingshappentogoodpeople?Whyisn’teveryoneequal?Whydosomekidshavebadparents?Whyisthereevil? Why?

70 FallenAngels

GEMINI INK is the only community-based center for literary arts and ideas in San Antonio and South Texas. During the past year, we served more than 3500 readers,

writers, and literary performance-goers representing a diverse sampling of our community’s population. Four programs currently serve our mission:

•Each spring and fall, the Autograph Series presents writers of national and international stature in a community-wide public program. Previous Autograph Series writers have included Annie Prouix, Margaret Atwood, Grace Paley, Tim

O’Brien, and Phil Levine.

•The University Without Walls (UWW) offers three semesters of workshops, classes, readings, and events led by recognized professional writers, as well as

artists and scholars whose work relates to writing.

•Dramatic Reader’s Theater (DRT) features professional actors interpreting literary works in a reading format, often accompanied by original music.

•Writers in Communities (WIC) sends professional writers with specialized teaching experience into a wide range of community settings to work alongside students of all ages, needs, interests and abilities. WIC writing workshops have

been offered in schools, justice settings, neighborhood community centers, and health care facilities, among many other venues. While in residence, WIC

writers help students create dynamic writing projects, often reflecting their own lives, that challenge, celebrate, inspire and enlighten. Most WIC residencies

culminate in the publication of an anthology of participants’ work and a celebratory public reading.

For more information, visit www.geminiink.org;or call 210.734-WORD (9673). Toll-free: 877.734-WORD (9673).

Student work has been edited as lightly as possiblein order to most closely honor the original voices.