Fallen Angels
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Transcript of Fallen Angels
FallenAngels
poetrybyresidentsoftheCyndiKrierTaylor
JuvenileCorrectionalTreatmentCenter
inpartnershipwithGeminiInkacenterforliteraryarts&ideas
Summer2004©2004GeminiInk
Foreword
Thepoetryinthisanthologywaswrittenbyyoungpeople,butit’snotkidstuff.It’sgrittyanduncompromising,reflectingtheveryadultpainandstrugglethewritershaveexperienced.Itspeaksoflovelostandfound,ofthejoyofcommunityandthelonelinessofseparation,oftrustandbetrayalonthedeepestlevels,offaithanddespair,offierceprideandabjecthumiliation,ofmistakesandmisjudgmentsandattemptstosetthingsright. Butmostly,itspeaksofcourage,foritalwaystakescouragetospeakthetruthnecessarytotheprocessofrebuildinglives. Fortwoyears,GeminiInkwriter-in-residenceDaveRutschmanhasworkedwiththecourageousyoungpeopleattheCyndiTaylorKrierJuvenileCorrectionalTreatmentCenter.Inpoetryworkshopsliketheonethatresultedinthisanthology,theyexplorewaysoftellingtheirownstories,foritisthroughsharingstoriesthatwelearnhowtolive. Inthisanthology,theyoungpoetsarejoinedbystudentsfromSAYSí,agraphicartsprogramforinner-cityyouth.Theirphotographsspeakasloudlyaswords,reflectingtheirinnerthoughtsandemotionsandthestarkbeautyoftheworldaroundthem. Read,reflect,andsharetheirstrugglesandtheirtriumphs.
--BettButlerDirector,WritersinCommunities
GeminiInk
GeminiInk’sworkattheCyndiTaylorKrierJuvenileCorrectionalTreatmentCenter
andthispublicationweremadepossibleby:TheBexarCountyWomen’sBarFoundation
TheNationalEndowmentfortheArtsThe San Antonio Express-News
TesoroPetroleum
Specialthanksto:DaveRutschman,Writer-in-Residence
GlennFaulk,ActivitiesDirector,CyndiTaylorKrierCenterJonHinojosa,ExecutiveDirector,SAYSí
ClaudioAguillon,VisualArtsAssociateDirector,SAYSíRosemaryCatacalos,ExecutiveDirector,GeminiInk
Cover:Plaintive
Brian GonzalezAge 17
FallenAngels 5
FallenAngels 5
StephanieO.
WoundsandSorrowsDedicated to my love, we’ll always be together
ThinkingbackandsometimesforwardIseemebeinglowered.Iamyoung,beautiful,andhaveavoiceofanangel.Imakepeopleweakthewayhemakesmefeelinatangle.Iamthecolorthatrepresentsstrength.IamHispanicwiththefullestlength.Iamaqueeninforeigncountries.Iamaloverthatisassoftasadoveandassweetasarose.Iamaleaderofunknownthings,Iamagirlfriendandeverythinginbetween.Iamagoddess,Apreciousgem.Iamsomethingyouwanttolookwithin.SometimesIcryatnight,youcan’tseeitbecauseyoudon’tknowmysecretsAndeverythingthatliesinside.MystomachturnsAndsometimesIyearntofeellikeI’vebeenerasedandsomisplaced.IhavesomanyscarsandpainthatsometimesIwanttocryinvain.Youseewhypeoplewanttojudgeme,Yettheydon’tunderstandmyinsidesandconfusion.I’mnotabigillusion.Ihaveasignwhenpeoplecomenearthatsaysnointrusion.Ireallycan’texplainit.WhatIdonowisLife.ThinkingbackandsometimesforwardIseemebeingbitterlylowered.
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RaymondU.
MyLifeHasChanged
Iusedtosellalotofdrugs,Andhungoutwithgangmembersandthugs,Ihadsomanythingsandalotofmoney,AndwhenIhurtpeopleIthoughtitwasfunny.I’vegottenintoalotoftroubleandranawayfromcops,Andmyhomeboysgavemealotofprops,I’veseensomeofmyfriendsgetkilledinfrontofmyeyes,Becauseofsomeofourstupidlies,I’vehurtmyfamilyandmyself,Takingawaymyfutureandmyhealth,IneverthoughtIwouldgetlockedup,AndwhenIdidmylifewasstuck.
ButnowIthinkI’mdoingalotbetter,Andmylifehaschangedjustliketheweather,IneverthoughtIcouldsucceed,ButnowI’mstayingawayfromtheweed,Myfutureissomuchclearer,AndIseeadifferentpersonwhenIlookinthemirror.
6 FallenAngels FallenAngels 7
Water SpotsAaronGallegos
Age 14
8 FallenAngels FallenAngels 9
JoshuaG.
Success
Successisawonderfulfeeling,kindoflikewhenyouputonthatprettydresswithoutanycauseofstress.
Issuccessthegainingofwealthandfameorisittheoutcomeofawonderfulgame?
Isitonewhosucceedsevenifitmeansjusttopee.Somepeoplethinkit’sgreed.ButIthinkit’sthebeginningofanewseed.
Successiseverythingtogainright,butyoucanreallyloseeverything,itcanleaveyouwiththatremainingbruise.Kindoflikewhenyoufindthosematchingshoes.
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RoyG.
WhatisPain?
It’sthestuffthathurts,It’sthestuffatwork,Everytimeyoucry.
It’sthethingsyousee,It’stheheavyweight,Wheneversomeonedies.
It’sthephysicalandmental,It’stheemotionallystressing,Attimeswhenyouwannagiveup.
It’sabullettotheheart,Orarelativedying,Thestuffthatmakesyoustoptrying.
It’swhattheworldhasalotofAndlikestogivetoothersButwon’tshowloveforthemselvesoranother.
It’swhataltersyourdecisionsIt’stherootofallevilAnditmostdefinitelycandestroyyou.
It’sthedirtythingcalledpain.
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RosalieV.
I’magirlwhositsaloneatthemiddleofthenight,WonderingwhyIputmylifeaside,BeforeIevengottothelight.I’magirlwhoseneverfacedphysicalabuse,Butsomehowledintodruguse.Itterrifiesmetonotknowwhathappenedonthosenights,Whateveritwasmessedmeupforlife.ManytimesIaskmyself,wheredidIgowrong?WhydidIusethesesubstancestomakemefeelbetteraboutmyself?IguessthisisthepriceIhavetopay,knowingIhavetoliveitdaybyday.AttimesIfeelalone,Iwannamoveonbutdon’tknowwheretostart,Ikeeptellingmyselfalltheselies,Iwannaforgivemyself,AlthoughmyeyesstarttowaterandIbegintocry.Somethinginmeisburningforlove,somethinginmeiscallingforattention.Ibelievesomewhereinmeisanintelligentgirl,ButIhavetowannatrytogettothefantasyworld.
10 FallenAngels FallenAngels 11
VanityA.J. Saucedo
Age 16
12 FallenAngels FallenAngels 13
StephanieO.
Lil’ChrisDedicated to my homeboy Chris. You will always be in my heart. R.I.P., May, 2002.
Hewasmyboy,Theonewhoshowedmemyfirstsilvertoy.Hewasmybestfriendtilltheveryend.HewasmyhomiewhoneverdisownedmeEvenwhenmymomdisapprovedBecauseofmybadattitude.ThedayhetookhislifeWasthedayIdiedanddroppedmymic.IreadtheletterandtearspouredoutofmyeyesHittingthefloorasheavyasmycries.Hediditfromtheceilingfan.Whycouldn’tIhavebeentheretoholdhishand?Hislittleboywillneverknowhisdaddy,ButI’llseethatheknowshowmuchhecaredEvenifhecan’tbethere.AskingmyselfifIcouldhavestoppedhim.Wonderingwhyhisownhomeboymockedhim.Helovedhisgirlmorethananything,Weusedtoflowabouthimmarryingher,Whydidyoudoit?Whydon’tyouanswerme?Ican’tbelieveyouleftme.Ilovedyoumorethanlife.YouweremybrotherYoustoppedmefrompickingupthatknife.SlowingitdowniswhatIsaidButyoudiditanywaynotlisteninginstead.Nowyou’redead.Istillseeyouhangingfromyourbelt,YouthinkIdidn’tknowhowyoufelt?Iloveyou,Cease.I’llalwaysbeyourgirlIcanfeelyourightnowSittingnexttomeWithnodoubt.
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ReneS.
Idonotwishtobeapoet,Makingriddlesandrhymes,Idonotwishtobeapoet,Makingpennies,nickels,anddimes.
Iwantthebigdollars,Iwantthebigbucks,IwantmytrashtolookLikeamillionbucks.
Doesthissoundsogreedy,Seemsounfair,Ifyoulookatmyexpression,YoucantellIdon’tcare.
ButthetruthisthatIdon’tneedmoney,AllI’mreallydoingistryingtobefunny.
SoIhopeyouhadalaugh,Hopeyoucrackedasmile,BythewaycanIborrowtenbucks,I’llpayyoubacktomorrow.
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TimothyR.
TheMazeofMyLife
Onthebrightestnightsandthedarkestdays,leftwithnotimetoplay.Stuckinalifelikeamazedoingcrimestogetpaid.Inandoutofjail,walkingdownatrail,halfwaytoHell.Iwasflyingthroughtheskywatchingmyfamilyandfriendscry,notwantingtoseethetearsfallfromtheireyeswhenIdie.Timeaftertimethecopscometoshine.Standingatmydoorhearinghitthefloor,Idipoutthebacktohearagaugecrack,fallingtomykneeswithbloodonmypants.Iwokeupwithchainsattachedmakingbabystepslookthroughthecracksseeingmylifeslippingbyandonceagainthecriescomebacktotheman,asthedaysfalloffandthetimedropsbyonthestreetImeetthemiseryofmylifeagainhittingadeadendsittingwithafriendsmokingthesamedrugsoverandoveragain.Comingbacktothemaze,I’mlockedupagain,thankingGoditisn’tthestatepen.Ilost3kidsand2babymammas,ifIlosethislastonethereisgoingtobesomedrama.WellallI’mtryingtosayisIwillseeyouwhenImakeitoutofthismazeandtoGodIgivepraise.Asnightturnsdayanddayturnsnightthebirdstakeflightthisisalittleofmylife.I’mthebirdthattakesflightfortheevilismynight,andgoodismyday.Stuckinthisplaceitlooksliketheendoftheroad.There’smanywaysoutbutonlyoneforme.Seeeverybodyhasonewaytoescape,mywayisdeath.Nomatterwhattimeofdayornight,allIwantistogiveupmylife.NoonethinksIcandoanythingright,wellit’stimetoletgoandshowwhattheworldwouldbewithoutme,Timothy.Iwillleavemygirl,myfamilyandmylife,Igiveuponrunningtostayalive,thereisnooneformesonowIshalllayinR.I.P.Don’ttrytostopmenow,withthe9tomyheadIshallbedead.FortoolongIledmysoldiersintowarandlessthanhalfcomeback.Allissilent,thelakes,rivers,andoceanlaystill.Nowindblows,notreemovesfromsidetoside.Nobirdinflightonthiscolddarknight.“Bang!”Likeapetalfromarosefallstotheground,Ifallinabloodbedwhilemysoulfloatsaboutmylifelessbody.Allmypainisgonewithmetoroamtheearthtostopthemisery.
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BandagesBrian Gonzales
Age 17
16 FallenAngels FallenAngels 17
CrystalV.
Life
Iammyownfriend,Proudofbeingaliveinaworldofhate.Self-employeeontheghettostreets,GhosttownCassianoCourtsiswhereIsleep.
EverydayIwatchmybackNeverknowwhensomeonewillpullOutagap.AthugfromtheWestSide,ButyetIthinkofsuicide.
Myheartisfullofdeepwoundsandscars,Ihadnofearaslongasmystrapwasnear.NowI’mlockedupbehindfourwalls,SoIjustguessitwasmytime,Ihurtsomanypeople,I’minconsiderateascanbe.Toseeoneoverdoseitwasn’tscary.
Iwaslivingalifeofnegativity.Iwanttogohomebutyetit’sbroke,ThesescreamsIhearIsometimesfear.
Igrewupwithhate,soItreatthesame.Icouldstillhearthosefiendspagingandcallingme.Pleasejuststop,waitit’sjustallinsideofme,IfeelI’mgoinginsane.Everything’sspinningI’mtiredofallthispain.
IreminiscewhenIhungfromthestairsWithanextensioncordtiedaroundmyneckIreallythoughtthatwouldbemylastbreath.
NowIstandstrongwithmyheaduphigh,Iwon’tbackdown,Ihavetoomuchpride,ButwhenIwillbefreeIdonotknow,Ifeellikeananimalwaitingtobereleased.TheysayI’mathreattosocietyYettheydon’tevenknowme,IbarelyknowmyselfI’montheedgewaitingtoFinallyletgo.
16 FallenAngels FallenAngels 17
JanieG.
Chance
Here’satoasttotheoneIlovethemostTomyjefatheonenevertoboast
SorryforIhavehurtyouinthepastIneverwantedforthispaintolast
IwishIcouldchangemywrongstorightsCausewhatI’veputyouthroughreallybites
YoulookedsostressedoutDamnIhatemyselfBecauseIwonderwhatyoufelt
SopleasenevergiveuponmeCauseyou’remyjefaTheonewhomademe
You’reastrongbrownChicanaMuchoamorpormimamaYoustuckaroundwithmeEventhoughIhurtyouWiththeloveporvida
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LauraP.
AsthedaysslowlypassIalwayssaytomyself,whycouldn’tIlast?IsaidIwasnevergonnagetlockedupagainButnowlookwhereI’mat.OnlyifIknewhowtoact.IthoughtIwasallgrownupAndknewrightfromwrong,ButobviouslyIcan’ttellrightfromwrongBecauseifIdidIwouldn’thavetofaceAllthestrugglesandpainThatInowfaceeveryday.Beinglockedupisnoteasy.EspeciallythatI’m3monthspregnant.It’sjustsuchashameButI’mtheonetoblame!NowallIcoulddoispraytoGodTohelpmechangemyfoolishwaysAndleadmetherightwayIwannaopenmyeyestotherealworldAndstopplayingchildishgames!Whilemybaby’sdaddyisoutinthefree,Onlyifheknewhowitwouldhurtme,Tofindouthe’sseeingsomeonenew.SometimesIwonderifthisistrueOrjustadreamOramIeverleavingthisplaceItallseemsendlessIt’scausedmesomuchstress.
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AbandonedLauren Martinez
Age 15
20 FallenAngels FallenAngels 21
TimothyR.
MyLoveforYou
Myloveforyouissogreat,Myloveforyouisnomistake,Myloveforyousplitstheocean,Myloveforyoushakestheearth,Myloveforyouissohigh,Myloveforyoufloatsinthesky,Myloveforyouiseverlasting,Myloveforyouisnevercrashing,ThisismyloveforyoufrommyheartpraytoGodItneverfallsapart.Myloveforyouisheretostay,SowhatI’mtryingtosayIloveyougirleveryday.
20 FallenAngels FallenAngels 21
Anonymous
Wokeupthismorning...
Wokeupthismorningblamingmyself,MymompassedawaywhenIwasonlytwelve.Shewaswithmetwenty-fourseven,AndIcriedwhenshelefttoheaven.Shewaslikemybestfriend,ButnowIknowI’llneverseeheragain.Aftershediedmyunclewouldabuseme,Thenmywholefamilystartedtoaccuseme.Ialwayskeptittomyself,Inevershareditwithnooneelse.IstartedrunningawaycauseIneededsomehelpAndIendedupbehindacell.IdidsixmonthsatCampbellGriffin,WhenIgotoutsomestuffwasdifferent.Ihadajobandwenttoschool,Andatthatmomenteverythingwascool.Imetthisguywhotreatsmeright,Andhealwaystoldmethatit’llbeallright.AftertwoyearsIwentbacktoJuvy,Forrunningawayandbeingsoscrewy.NowI’mhereatSouthtonDoingninemonthsandthinkingofthefriendsIshould’vechosen.I’vegonethroughroughtimesandsometimesIfellButIthankGodcauseHewastheretohelp.Lifeishardandweallmoveon,AndnomatterwhathappensinlifeWeshouldalwaysstaystrong.
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MeganY.
Areyouthere?
AsIsitherewithsorrowandpain,IthinkbacktowhenIsawyoulyinginyourgrave.BeforeyouleftyousaidnottoworryButyouleftinsuchahurry.WhatdoIdowhenIamdown,Ineedyoubackaround,Areyouuptherewatchingdowninthecloudsthatareround?Areyouuptheresmilingdownthroughtheholethatwasfound?WellIloveyouIhopeyouknow.Rememberthatandneverletgo,SoholdmenearandwhisperinmyearallthelovelythingsthatIlovetohear.Don’tworryIknowyou’renear,Andnowmyfearswillsoondisappear.
Dedicated to:Trudie Ward, in loving memoryR.I.P. 4.16.03
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Virgin MaryDesaray Elizondo
Age 17
24 FallenAngels FallenAngels 25
JanieG.
TheWestSide
TheWestSideismysideoftown.Iwouldprefertolivetheretherestofmylife.
TheWestSideisghettobutIloveit.
TheWestSideisthebestplacetobe,withthesummerbreezehittingyourface.Thewarmsunlightagainstyourbody,itjustfeelssoright.
TheWestSidestreetsfullofkidsrunningaround,playingball,runningbehindtrees,playinghideandseek,eatingwatermelon.Youcanseethegirlsplayingjumpingropeandtheboysplayingfootballinthestreets.
TheWestSideismykindofhood,theadultsplayingcumbañamusicfromtheircars.OntheWestSideoftownyoualwaysseeorsmellsomeonehavingbar-b-que.Thepinata’scandyfallingtotheground.Childrenruntothecandyandpickitupoffthefloor,afterthattheyseewhogotthegoodcandyandthemost.Allofthegrandma’shousesarealwaysfullofpeople.Thegardenstheyhavearecolorful,beautiful.
TheWestSideyoucanfeelwelcome.Everyoneknowseachother.YoufeellikeonebigfamilyandformelivingontheWestSidemakesmehappy.
24 FallenAngels FallenAngels 25
The Beauty Upon the MessJessica Barrera
Age 17
26 FallenAngels FallenAngels 27
TimothyR.
HereISit
Iwaslostinthistimeofpainandcrime,FeelthatI’mlosingmymind.Mygirlsitswithasmileonherface,Walkingthroughthetrailswithoutatrace.Imetyouatafriend’shouseonarainynight,Forthethunderandlightgaveyouafright,IheldyoutightnotknowingyouweregoingtochangeMylife.NowasIsitinaplacewherethereisnosunlight,Ihaveapictureofyouthatmakesmynightsbright,Wewouldlaughandjokeplaygamesinthesnow,ButasI’mlockedawaywhenIseeyouIwishtostay.Asmyblooddripsdownfrommyopenwounds,YourloveIlookupontoclosethemsoon.HereIsitinthedusttoreadyourletteryes,Imust.FornowIsleepalone,SoIloveyou,Can’twaittogethome.
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RiverAli Huser
Age 14
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MeganY.
MakingitThrough
Dedicated to my loved one, you will always be in my heart. I love you.
AsIsithereandthinkofyou,Ithinkofhowwe’regonnamakeitthrough.Rememberwhenyousaidyoudidn’twantmetoleave?WellI’mrightheresoyoubetterbelieve.We’vebeenthroughhardtimesandstrugglesButIknowwecancompletethispuzzle.I’mforreal,thisisn’tagame.Solet’sjustmaintain.Myloveforyouwillneverfade,Itwillalwaysbeablazingflame!
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ThomasC.
FallenAngel
Thefallenangelfelltoday.Hefellfromheaven,helosthisway,hiswinghasbroken,hishalohasgoneaway.Thefallenangelfarfromhomeontheearth,aplacetohimthat’sdifferent(it’sworse).Helooksaroundatthesuffering,thepainheremembersfreewillbutthisisinsane.Whywouldapersonletanotherstarve,whenhehadfoodandhisstomachwaslarge?Whathappenedtocompassion,tocharity,andsharing?Togivingyourneighbortheclothesyou’rewearing?Hisfatherwassadyetthisworldhewassparing,hecouldenditwhenever,westillhaveachance,toturnourlivesovertohimwitheverygesture,everyglance,toprotecteachotherandalltheanimalsandplants.Toturnourlivesovertohissonandaccepthisplan.Hegaveusasavioragifttoacceptandeverydaysincehe’sneverslept.
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Youcameoutofthepen,Youwentbackin,YoucameoutagainandmadethoseN’s.
Backonyourfeet,Thewaylifewasmeanttobe.Youhelpedmesomuch,YouevenhatedwhenIdiddrugs.
AtonetimeIlivedwithyou,IneverhadthecouragetosayIloveyou.Youtreatedmelikeyourveryown,Eventhoughyouhadyourbabygirl.
Iloveyousomuchfortakingmein.Iwon’teverforgetaboutthosetimesweHadbackthen.IreallyhopeyoureminiscethetimeyouLivedwithme.Weallthoughtwe’dlivetheretildeathSetusfree.
Nowyouhaveafamiliaofyourown,IreallywishIcouldcomebackhome,Primoyouwerelikemydad.
YoutoldmeifIgraduateyou’dhookmeup.AtleastIknowitwon’tbedrugs.
Yourideonspinna’s,Andhaveagreatamountofferia.IknowyouwerehurtwhenIgotlockedup.YouhadaguiltyconscienceandyourmindWasallmessedup.You’reprobablythinkingyouhavetoomuchOfacoldhearttocare.ButI’monewhoknowsthestuffyouHideinside.
YougotasoftspotthatIcanseewhenIlookinyoureyes.Behindthatsmileandbeneaththelies,Thereisamanwithalotofpride.
Wellpontetruchaandpleasedon’tscrewUp,Don’tworryaboutmecauseI’llbefineI’llstandmyground,AndIwon’tletyoudown.
CrystalV.
Primo
to my primo
30 FallenAngels FallenAngels 31
AndrewA.
TheTruth
Thetruthyouhaven’ttoldMe.ThingsthataregoingOn.WhatI’mfeeling.IdoneedsomeonetoholdMe.IhavethatparticularpersonInmind.YoulookbeautifulinallbutIdidn’tthinkyoucouldlookSofine.MybrotherlockedupforsomeThinghedidn’tdo.IdothinkGod’stryingtoSendmeasign.AndwiththatpersonguidingMethroughlifepassingawayThinkaboutitdoyoureallyThinkI’mfeelingok?
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Gabrielle
Strong,Beautiful,andIntelligent
Strong,beautiful,andintelligent,thatiswhatIamLikethesunthatkeepsusgoingAndshinesacrosstheland.
Yes,strong,beautiful,andintelligent,thatiswhatIam,LikethewomanwhogavebirthTotheboywho’snowaman.
Strong,beautiful,andintelligent,thatiswhatI’llbe,Liketheraindropsthatfloodtheground,soontobecomeasea.
Strong,beautiful,andintelligent,ThatiswhoIhavebecomeLikethedayGodchosemysoulBeforemylifehadbegun.
Yes,strong,beautiful,andintelligent,ThisiswhoIamLiketheshellthatpondersamidstthesea,andhasdriftedtothesand.
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StephanieO.
UsingMe
LoveisawordthatcomesfromtheheartButsomanysayitrightfromthestartNotknowingitneverfadesapart.
LoveisawordpeopletakeforgrantedWhenyouusedtotellmeyoulovedmeItmademybodywarmthenI’dsitthereLookingallstupidanddumbLikeapieceofgumThatyouhavechewedsomuchitlosesitstasteNowIknowitwasjustawasteAndnowI’mbeingreplacedYoudidn’tcareaboutmeorhowI’dfeelyoujustneedsomeonetohavethatpleasure.Yousaidthiswasadesperatemeasure.JusttoletyouknowI’msomethingtotreasure.ButIguessthat’sitnoonetocareItwasonebigdare.Okay.YoufooledmemorethananythingbutIdon’tcareBecauseIliveanotherdayAsyouaremimickingandwantingmetostay.
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GregoryS.
Life
Lifeistooshortsodon’tthrowitaway.IprayatnighthopingthatGodshowsmetheway.ButwhenwegotbeeforwhenitcomesdownTothe9mm.heatIhopeI’mnottoBetheonetobelaidtosleepwhilemyFamilyandfriendspraytoGodthatIrestinpeace.BeingbehindbarsdreamingandthinkingAboutdrivingfancycarsthinkingwhyisLifesohard.LivinginthefastlaneorbeingInthedopegameain’tthethangwhenyouSittin’behindbarswishingthatyoucouldHavechangedwhenyouthoughtlifewasAllaboutbeinginthedopegame.AndafterawhileyougettiredofhearingControl,openFox2oryou’llgettiredofWearingthosecountyblues.Lifeistooshort:Don’tdocrimeBecauseonlylosersdotime.
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DumpsterAaron Gallegos
Age 14
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GregoryS.
What’sUp,World?
WeliveinthisworldlikeRatsinacageateachothersthroatsbecauseofBloodyrage.ThisworldcouldmisleadyourefusetogoastrayDrugsweusetakemanylivesaway.AmanwhohasfaithwillfindabetterwayLostinaworldofinsanitytruthcanbeFound.SomuchangerandhatewegetaswegoroundWewillneverberespectedashumanbeingsUntilwereactasnormalorintelligenthumanBeings.ManismindandallowthemtofindthetrueDesign.WearetheAmericandreamBecomecleanfollowmedowntotheJORDANSTREAMrememberwearethe AMERICANDREAM.
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WendyG.
MySweetMother
Ihadamotherandshewasverysweet.Duringthefuntimes,shealwayscaredaboutme.
WhenIwasdown,ordrowninginself-doubt,AllIhadtodowascallhername,andshewouldalwayshelpmeout.
Wehavebeenthereforeachother,alwaysthroughthickandthin.WhentherewasasecretthatIdidn’tknow,shewouldalwaysletmein.
Shewillneverleavemyheart,nomatterwhereshegoes.She’smyoneandonly,she’smyonlytruelove.
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WendyG.
Iam
Iamagirlwho’sbeenlockeduptwice.Iamapersonwho’shadaroughlife.Iamadaughterhidingdepression.Iamacousinmakingabadimpression.IamyourfriendactinglikeI’mfine.Iamawisherwishingthislifeweren’tmine.Iamafriendwhosometimesiscruel.Iamagirlsittingnexttoyou.Iamtheoneaskingyoutocare.I’myourbestfriendhopingyou’llbethere.
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HotlineNicoleAnnVasquez
Age16
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MeganY.
Please
AllthesestrugglesAlltheseliesAllIwanttodoishide.AtnightIsitinmyroomandcry.ThenIaskGodwhy.Whycan’tIjustdie?Mylifeisnothingbutaroughride.Please,God,tellmewhy,WhydoIhavetotakethisride?IsitbecauseIsnortedcocaine?OrisitbecauseIleftwhenyoucame?PleaseGodI’mgoingthroughsomuchpain,EvenmyfamilythinksI’mlame.AmItheonetoblame?Pleasestaybymyside,Andthenwe’lltakethisride.
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IhaveawallyoucannotseeBecauseit’sdeepinsideofmeItblocksmyheartoneverysideAndhelpsemotionstheretohideYoucan’treachinIcan’treachoutYouwonderwhatit’sallabout
ThewallIbuildthatyoucan’tseeResultsofmyinsecurityEachtimemytenderheartwashurtThescarswithingrewworseandworseSostonebystoneIbuildawallThat’snowsothickitwillfall
Pleaseunderstandthatit’snotyouContinuetryingtobreakthroughIwantsomuchtoshowmyselfAndlovefromyouwouldreallyhelpSobitbybitchipatmywallTillstonebystoneitstartstofall
IknowtheprocesswillbeslowIt’snevereasytoletgoOfhurtsandfailureslongingrainedUponone’sheartfromyearsofpainI’msoafraidtoletyouinIknowImightgethurtagain
ItrysohardtobreakthewallButseemtogetnowhereatallForstoneuponeachstoneI’vestackedAndleftbetweenthemnotacrackTheonlywaytomakeitfallAreimperfectionsinthewall
IdidthebestIcouldtobuildAperfectwallbuttherearestillAfewsmallflawswhicharethekeyTobreakingthroughthewalltomePleaseuseeachflawtocauseacrackToknockastoneoffofthestack
ForjustasstonebystonewaslaidWitheveryhurt,witheverypainSostonebystonethewallwillbreakAslovereplaceseveryachePleasebetheonewhocaresenoughTofindtheflawsnomatterwhat
JanieG.
StonebyStone
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LauraP.
Twoyearsagobackin’02,MyhomeboyDomeleftme,Icouldn’tbelieveitwastrue.AsIwassippingthelastsipinmycup,MyhomeboyDomewasoutgettingshot,NowIsithereandwonderwhythatgirlhadtosethimup.IquestionmyselfwhythishadtohappentomeWasitmewholefthimtodie?ItbreaksmyheartknowingthatDomewasonly19andheain’therewithme.ButitmakesmehappyKnowinghisspiritisflyingfree.
R.I.P. Dome 72, dedicated to you.
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La VirgenSara Hinojosa
Age 15
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JonathanA.
SweetDreams
OnceuponatimeIwastwomonthsold.Slowlydrowningintheplacenta.
Iwasanembryo.
Kickingthewallstryingtobreakfree.Umbilicalcordwrappedaroundmyneckchokingme.
TheninthmonthoflaborIfinallybrokeout.WouldImakeit,Faithwasatdoubt.
Iopenedmyeyestoseeaflashoflight.Mylifeallofasuddenbegantoignite.
Whowasthiswomanwithreliefonherface?WhereamIat,Idon’trecognizethisplace?
AcoupleofdayslaterIwasbroughttomyhome.That’swhenIfoundoutIwasn’talone.
Ihadtwosistersandoneolderbrother.SixmonthsintolifemyfatherIdiscovered.
Whoisthisguystaringatmeamazed?Jointinhismouth,eyessoglazed.
IwassixyearsoldwhenIheardmymother’scries.Lookatthisdudewithguiltinhiseyes.
Iruntomom’sroomandfindherlyingstill.Herheadrisesupandbloodstartstospill.
Istartscreaming,mybrotherrunsin.IawakefromaflashbackdoseduponVicoden.
AnadolescentgonewrongsinceIwasthirteen.Addictedto“Mary,”I’madopefiend.
Lockedupnowtryingtochangemyways.SoIcanlivelifewithsomebetterdays.
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AmandaR.
IWant
Iwantsomecottoncandywithastrawberrylollipop.Iwantallflavoredicecreamwithacherryontop.Iwantsomecookieswithchocolatecake,andthisiswhatI’mcraving.IfonlyIcouldhaveitnow,wouldn’tthatbeamazing.HowaboutabananasplitwithsweetJellointhemiddle.Whycan’tsomestaffjusthookmeup,ifnotalotatleastalittle.IalsowantsometeriyakichickenWithaneggrollandsomerice.IwantalargepizzawithParmesancheeseandextraspice.Iwantenchiladaswithextracheeseontop.WithanextralargeBigRedsodapop.IwantatacofromRolando’sCausethey’regoodandthey’restuffed.Eatingallthiswillneverbeenough.WantingandwantingisallIcando,Hopingyou’llseewhatpregnancycandotoyou.
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AmandaR.
WasMe
AsIsitherefeelinglonelywithoutasmileonmyfaceIcanfeelmyheartbeatdrummingataverysoftpace.Ithenlookoutmywindowandseethesoftdropsofrain.Everydropthatfallsremindsmeofmypain.IhurtinsideforthethingsthatIhavedone.Nodoubtpaybackwillhitmehardercauseitfeelsithasjustbegun.IhadachoicetoturnmylifearoundanddowhatIthoughtbest.NowIhavetopaythepriceforfailingadrugtest.Ididn’tcarehowmuchIhurtmyfamilyevenifIcausedthempain.Ionlycaredaboutmyselfandtheheroinnotmissingthevein.InowrealizethechangesIcould’vemadeandthingsIcould’veaccomplished.IwishIhadthechancetochangethepastinsteadofbeingselfish.I’mslowlylearningtoforgiveandforgetwhichisthehardestthingtodo.ButwhenfacingrealityIrealizedandtoldmyselfthepersonwhoyouthoughtyouwereReallyisn’tyou.
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SweetieSable Mireles
Age 15
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JoshuaG.
Love
Loveissopainfulit’slikeaknifedeepinyoursoul.Lovecanreallyhurtandreallybreakyourheartforexamplesetyoubacktothestart.
Loveisafeelingthatshowsyoucarebuttheninasplitsecondit’sgoneinthinair.Loveisthatspecialfeelingyougetwhenyouknowyou’renotaloneandyoualwayshavesomeonetotalktoonthephone.
Loveiskindoflikeadrugandalsowhenyou’rethinkingthatyou’rethatbig-timethug.Thenittossesyououtlikeanoldbeat-uprug.
Lovecanalsomeanagreatthingespeciallywhentheyputonthatbigdiamondring.
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LisaC.
FatalLove
WalkingaroundhidingmybruisesAndiftheywereseenIwouldjustmakeexcuses.Alwaysblackandbluefromheadtotoe,ButIwasjusttooscaredtoletanybodyknow.FlinchingeverytimeyougottoocloseIneverknewwhenyouweregoingtoexplode.Lyingeverytimeyouaskedmeforthetruth,IfyoufoundoutIknewwhatwouldyoudoIwouldscreamatnightcuzitwasyouIfeared,ButyouwouldtellmetoshutmymouthbecauseSomebodymighthear.MywholebodywouldhurtsomuchthatafterawhileIwouldbecomenumb.ButIthoughtthatwasthepriceIhadtopayIfIwantedtobeloved.
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WendyG.
Home
ItseemssofarawayIfeelI’llnevermakeitthatwayTheselongroadshighandlow,Idon’tknowwhichwaytogo.
TherearedifferentroadsthatIcouldtakeButit’ssohardtochooseCauseI’mscareditmightbreakloose.
Homeseemssoclosetomenow,Allmyfamilyislike,“Wow!”AstheysitathomewonderinghowIgrewIalsowonderhowIdidittoo.
NowIlookatthisoneroadthatgotmyattentionAnditlookslikeit’llbemydestination.
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Ohio Street BridgeMaryabeth Murphy
Age 14
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Gabrielle
PastMySoul
ThereisnotasecondoftimethatgoesbythatIdon’tthinkaboutyourbeautifulface.ThememoriesthathauntmysoulandthepasttimesIcannoterase.You’vebeenthereformethroughitall,tohelpmeseeandnottofall.Youlovedmeunconditionally,yousawthroughmysoul,whenIcouldnotsee.Andforthat,eventhoughyou’renotherewithme,foreverinmyheartiswhereyou’llbe.
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AlbertG.
NeverTrustGirls
Nevertrustgirlswitheyesofgray.Theykissyouonceandwalkaway.Nevertrustgirlswitheyesofgreen.Theykissyouonceandmakeyouscream.Nevertrustgirlswitheyesofbrown.Theykissyouonceandturnyoudown.Alwaystrustgirlswitheyesofblue.Theykissyouonceandaskfortwo.
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D’OndraF.
Iamabee
Iamabee.Iamabeelookingfortheonlythingthatpleasesme.Iamabeehunting,searchingforthehoneytreeIneedtofeed.Iamabeefromajunglewhoissearchingforthatstickygoldensweetsubstancetosatisfymysoul.Iamabeethat’ssearching,looking,huntingtryingtofindthatLovelyhoneytreethatIneedtosurvivethiswildlife.IamabeethathassearchedforthishoneytreeandnowIfoundthistreethatwasrightinfrontofmyeyesforthewholetime.IamabeelookingforthethingIlovemostsearchinguntilIfoundthethingthatpleasesmysoulwhichisthehoneyfromthehoneytreethatInowsee.IamabeeflyingthroughthiscolorfuljungleworldwithtreessohightheyblocktheprettyskyandcolorfulflowersIseewhenIamflyingbyheadingformyhoneytree.IamabeehappyinmyhoneytreebecauseIhaveeverythingIneedtosatisfymysoul.
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Stand AloneErica Garcia
Age 14
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LisaD.
Whenyoucut,itmakesyoubleedWhenyouscream,you’reinneedWhenyouwant,greedcomesinfrontWhenyouspeak,yourwordsarebluntWhenyoucry,yourtearswillflyWhenyoulie,youstarttodenyButwhenyoubelieve,youwillberelievedBythepoweroffaithWhatwillbeengravedIsthatyouaresaved.
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Window of Broken PromisesShandaMartinez
Age14
58 FallenAngels FallenAngels 59
LisaD.
Brother
SittinginthistinylittleroomWishingIcouldjustseeyouMaybeyoudon’tevenhaveaclueHowmuchyoureallymeantomeI’mtellingyoutothemosthighestdegreeThinkingaboutthepastarememoriesthatwillAlwayslastJustforawhileIwillbeawayButsoonIwillbehometostayLoveisnotawordIusuallyscreamandshoutIonlysayittothepeopleItrulycareaboutYouaremyoneandonlybrotherBecauseofcoursewehavethesamemotherAdoptedatbirth,ThankGodforthisearth.Asdaysgoby,IwishIcouldcallyouJusttosayhi.AndnevereverwillIsaygoodbyeBecausemeandyouwillneverbeapartNoonecanseparateusbyheart.
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LisaD.
MyPain...
AllmypainisdeepinsideInmyheartiswhereithidesSometimesyoucanseeitinmyeyesIthurtssobadandmakesmecryatnightMypainiswhatIneedtofightIdon’tknowifIwilleverbeallrightLockedupsurroundedbythesegatesAndbehindgraydoorsMakesithurtevenmoreSometimesIwonderaboutthispainAndwillitevergoaway?AllmypainthatI’vebeenthroughHasiteverhappenedtoyou?Maybesoormaybenot,Idon’tknow,Itwasjustathought.I’vebeenbeatendown,cursedtotheground,Overdosedanddiedalmost.Gunstomyhead,millionsoftearsshedAndhospitalizedinabed.BeforeIwenttoGodasmyguideIevenattemptedsuicide.Rapedthreetimesandcommittedatleastadozencrimes.ThroughallthosethingsIwasallaloneYetnowIfeelnakedBecauseallmypainhasbeenshown.
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CrystalV.
Chemicals
Youhelpedmethroughlife,Andit’sstillhardformetoSwallowmypride.
Istillbelievedyingiseasy,Causelifeishard.IcouldhearyoutellingmetoLivelifetothefullest,Causeweonlyliveonce.
Butit’sonlyhardformeBecauseofwhereIgrewup.Gangsanddrive-bys,Andtheyoungdying.
Killingthemselvesbyintramuscularinjections,ButyetI’mtheonefeedingthemtheseSubstances.
Chemicalsflowingthroughone’sveinsAndbloodcellsdeadinthebrain.BlueRaggersandFlakeFlaggersBeatingeachotherwithbatsanddaggers.
Deadandburied6ft.deepintheground,NotabletohearasoundOfthesobbingandmourning.
Thefamilycrytears,WithnothingbuthatetocalmTheirfears.
Icouldhearitnow,It’saperfectsound,It’smyjefe’svoicetellingmetoHoldontotheend.
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Opposing ForcesNicolas Eblen
Age 14
62 FallenAngels FallenAngels 63
AmandaR.
WhoAmI?
MypastdescribeswhatI’vebeenthroughAndothersmayseemedifferentlyButwithoutknowingwhoIamwithinTheywillneverknowtherealme.ManypromiseshavebeenbrokenandCarelessexpressionshavebeenchosen.AmIstrongenoughtoletthisgo,Thebadfeelingsandwordsthatwerespoken?IwashurtwhenheleftmeandHurtwhenhelied.IwashurtwithMixedemotionsandmypastwithdifferentsides.IfeelhatetowardthedrugAndtheguywhobroughtmedown.IfeelhatetowardmyselfforLettingthisbeallowed.I’vebeenhappyAndmadforthetimesthatI’vehad.BeingwhereIamtodayiswhatreallymakesmeglad.WhyatthistimeaboutmyselfIfeelconfused?IknowIamintelligent,havewhatittakes,Knowtherightthingstodo.WhydidIgothroughsuchsadnessatAveryyoungage.HopingagoodfeelingWillcomeandnotsuddenlyfade.Manythoughtsofmyselfalwayscometomind.WhoandwhatIamasapersontomeIsundefined.
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LisaC.
MyHeartbeat...
Youweremyheartbeat,Theretokeepmealive.TheretohelpmethroughmystrugglesAndhelpmesurvive.AheartbeatissomethingNoonecanlivewithoutAndyouwerealwaystheretosavemeWhenIwasdrowninginself-doubt.YouhelpedmetogetthrougheachdayWithasmileonmyface.YouhelpedmetobestrongAndtaughtmetohavefaith.IwonderifyoueverknewHowhighlyIthoughtofyou.TomeyouweresobraveAndyouneverletanythinggetinyourway.Andwhenthingsgottough,Youneverletmegiveup.Thankyouforneverlettingmewelcomedefeat.Ilovedyoumorethananything...Youweremyheartbeat.
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FrankT.
I’vebecome
I’vebeenlockedawayformonths,NowseeingwhatI’vebecome,RememberingwhereI’mfrom.I’mfromaneighborhoodWherenotmanykidsareuptogood,Notdoingwhatweshould.Wheretherearedrugsandgangs,Kidsdon’tcareiftheirliveshang,Alwayshearingthesoundbangbangbang.Aplacewherekidsjustreallydon’tcare,Wherelifereallyisn’tfair,Youcangetshotjustcauseyoustared,Justbeingthereisadare.Wherekidswastetheirlives,Joininggangssotheycansurvive,Causetheyreallydon’twanttodie,It’stakenme6monthsjusttorealizeThatI’mlivingthislife.
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Boot TracksAmanda Flores
Age 16
66 FallenAngels FallenAngels 67
FrankT.
VisitingDay
Onlyseeingthemonceaweek,Wakingupfrommysleep,MyfamilyiswhatIseek.OvertonsofpeopleandtablesSeeingthemkeepsmestable,HowIwishthiswasafableThiscan’tbecapable,MebehindbarsForstealingcarsItookittoofarFarbeyondwhatIeverthought,CauseIthoughtIcouldn’tbecaught,ButIsitonvisitingday,ThinkingofhowIwanttostop.
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Swinging Toward the FutureDesaray Elizondo
Age 17
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LisaC.
Secrets
Youaskedmeaboutmysecrets,whattheywere,butIcan’ttelluexactly,onlythattheyhurt.Tokeep‘embottledupinside,theyleftmewithscarsthatIconstantlytry2hide.Idon’twantnobodytoknowofthethingsthatwenton,butIwilltelluthatthethingsthathappenedtomewerewrong.Inthebackofmymindthosedarksecretswillalwayshide.Maybeonedayifulookcloseenough,inmyeyesyou’llseethosesecretsifit’syouwhoItrust.
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Raw QualityMorgan Duran
Age 17
70 FallenAngels
RoyG.
Why?
Whydoestheearthrevolvearoundthesun?Whyismoneygreen?Whydopeoplekill?Whycan’tIseeGod?Whydopeoplehavetenfingers?Whydopeopleknowinglydohurtfulthings? Why?Why?Why?Whydopeopledie?Whyislifedifficult?Whyarepeoplehowtheyare?Whyismoneysoimportant?Whycan’tlifebeharmless?Whycan’twegetalong? Why?Why?Why?Whyaredrugsmade?Whyaregunsmade?Whydoesn’teveryonecare?Whydothesequestionsgounanswered?WhydoIhavesomany?Whydobadthingshappentogoodpeople?Whyisn’teveryoneequal?Whydosomekidshavebadparents?Whyisthereevil? Why?
70 FallenAngels
GEMINI INK is the only community-based center for literary arts and ideas in San Antonio and South Texas. During the past year, we served more than 3500 readers,
writers, and literary performance-goers representing a diverse sampling of our community’s population. Four programs currently serve our mission:
•Each spring and fall, the Autograph Series presents writers of national and international stature in a community-wide public program. Previous Autograph Series writers have included Annie Prouix, Margaret Atwood, Grace Paley, Tim
O’Brien, and Phil Levine.
•The University Without Walls (UWW) offers three semesters of workshops, classes, readings, and events led by recognized professional writers, as well as
artists and scholars whose work relates to writing.
•Dramatic Reader’s Theater (DRT) features professional actors interpreting literary works in a reading format, often accompanied by original music.
•Writers in Communities (WIC) sends professional writers with specialized teaching experience into a wide range of community settings to work alongside students of all ages, needs, interests and abilities. WIC writing workshops have
been offered in schools, justice settings, neighborhood community centers, and health care facilities, among many other venues. While in residence, WIC
writers help students create dynamic writing projects, often reflecting their own lives, that challenge, celebrate, inspire and enlighten. Most WIC residencies
culminate in the publication of an anthology of participants’ work and a celebratory public reading.
For more information, visit www.geminiink.org;or call 210.734-WORD (9673). Toll-free: 877.734-WORD (9673).
Student work has been edited as lightly as possiblein order to most closely honor the original voices.