TRICK PLAYSEnabling vs. EmpoweringEncouraging and Praise

Tonight’s Objectives

Recognize the balance of authority in the family

Develop tools to establish appropriate power in the family

Understand motivation Recognize the symptoms of lack of

motivation

Predictable Childhood Battlefields

Bedtime Food Toilet training Homework Morning routines Public places Having company in the home “But everybody else…”

ESTABLISHING AUTHORITY

Handout

Many child specialists claim that the balance of power between parent and child is established by the age of 3.

If parents have been able to navigate through the toddler and 2-year old stages and are still clearly in charge, the balance of power may be pretty well predictable for the future.

Rule-Setting Guidelines

Make them reasonable and developmentally appropriate

Be selective, don’t set too many Be united with other parent Be sure you are able and willing to

enforce it Allow for occasional flexibility Explanations should be brief, and very

young children need little or no explanation

Make sure your expectations are clear…the parent perspective and child perspective sometimes are very different

Consequences should create discomfort for the child and be directly related to the behavior

Provide positive reinforcement for rules that are followed

Avoid enabling behaviors

Enabling vs. Empowering

ENABLING EMPOWERING

A process of unwittingly allowing and encouraging irresponsible, inappropriate behavior in others

Actions and behaviors that encourage responsibility and sensible choices in others

Enabling Parents:

Accept excuses from child Make excuses for child Rescue Do for the child what he is capable of doing

for himself Take over the child’s responsibilities Bail the child out of trouble Feel sorry for the child Protect the child from consequences Give in to manipulations Fail to work as team with other parent

Enabling patterns…

Teach child to be irresponsible Set child up for unhappiness due to not

learning from consequences of behaviors Let child learn to manipulate others Do not teach respect for authority Lead to higher rates of anti-social and

dangerous, destructive behaviors

Overindulged Children Whine and pout when they don’t get their

way Demand Won’t take “no” for an answer Want immediate gratification Throw tantrums Self centered and inconsiderate of others Low frustration tolerance Expect others to do for them Underachieve

Note - All children exhibit these behaviors from time to time.

Overparenting“Loving Too Much”

Obsessively worry about child Can’t eat or sleep due to worry Share every emotional hurt child

experiences Share child’s anxieties Sees child’s responsibilities as parent’s Try to control everything child does

Needs to be dealt with by licensed mental health professional, who deals with co-dependency

Empowering patterns…

Encourage child to take on appropriate responsibilities in the family

Teach skills needed to cooperate with others

Teach skills needed to respect authority Teach skills needed in the real world Lead to less anti social behaviors Lead to happy, productive lives

BALANCING AUTHORITY IN THE FAMILY CHANGES THROUGH THE YEARS.

We must alter our perceptions, re-evaluate our techniques, and

be willing to make changes….often

within ourselves.

Parents who…

ENABLE EMPOWER Clean up child’s

mess Make excuses Accept excuses Blames others Gives in Does for the child

Teach skills Offer choices Give responsibility Confront honestly and

lovingly Follow through Hold child accountable Allow for mistakes Accept individuality

WHAT IS MOTIVATION?

Feeling or attitude of excitement Ability to work against

discouragement Ability to face competition and

challenge Ability to take on a task with

determination and perseverance

All healthy normal infants are born with motivation. Children are eager to learn, touch and explore.

Older children and adolescents who appear unmotivated possess the eagerness to learn, touch and explore.Most children show intense motivation toward special interests such as music, sports, clothes or friends.Their motivation fills them with excitement and vitality.

Many of our young people are unable to direct this enthusiasm and energy into the areas we as parents would like them to…mainly school and responsibilities.

Unmotivated children are generally discouraged children.

Discuss the case of Branden…

WHY DO CHILDREN GET DISCOURAGED?

Interference by well-meaning adults Inappropriate expectations Criticism, put-downs

Characteristics of Child Lacking Motivation

o Forgets, loses or misplaces thingso Makes excuseso Blames others, complainso Gives up easilyo Unwilling to attempt a tasko Fears failureo Requires constant reminding

o Unorganizedo Poor study skillso Does tasks only half-wayo Lacks goals and directiono Makes others feel guilty, do tasks for himo Acts outo Achievement scores decline over time

How can we break the cycle?

We cannot change another person, not even our own child.

A change in the way we interact with the child, however, may bring about change .

Reversal may be a slow process. Remember that the child didn’t reach this point in just one instance.

Be a role model

What messages of motivation, responsibility and education are you sending?

We may exhibit drive and motivation on the job or in our volunteer activities, but be careful not to turn off those characteristics when you return home after your long, hard day.

Show your child

Effort and sense of responsibility Respect and appreciation for education Ability to set and achieve goals Perseverance Ability to try again after failures Organizational skills Effort and process, not just end results “I Can” attitude

Encouragement vs. PraisePRAISE ENCOURAGEMENT

Often used as reward Not always believable Can be discouraging Creates dependency

on external reward Frequently based on

competitionExamples – “Wow, You are a genius!” “That’s a fantastic drawing!” “You’re incredible!”

Focuses on effort and improvement, not end result

Causes child to believe in himself

Emphasizes strengths Helps him accept his

imperfections Creates internal

motivation Helps child with courage

to face difficult tasksExamples – “Your little sister sure likes it when you read to her.”“You’re making good progress on your math. You’ll sure feel good when you have that finished.”

DON’T GIVE UP!Handout

PARENT ED EVALUATION