Enabling vs. Empowering Encouraging and Praise. Recognize the balance of authority in the family ...
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Transcript of Enabling vs. Empowering Encouraging and Praise. Recognize the balance of authority in the family ...
TRICK PLAYSEnabling vs. EmpoweringEncouraging and Praise
Tonight’s Objectives
Recognize the balance of authority in the family
Develop tools to establish appropriate power in the family
Understand motivation Recognize the symptoms of lack of
motivation
Predictable Childhood Battlefields
Bedtime Food Toilet training Homework Morning routines Public places Having company in the home “But everybody else…”
ESTABLISHING AUTHORITY
Handout
Many child specialists claim that the balance of power between parent and child is established by the age of 3.
If parents have been able to navigate through the toddler and 2-year old stages and are still clearly in charge, the balance of power may be pretty well predictable for the future.
Rule-Setting Guidelines
Make them reasonable and developmentally appropriate
Be selective, don’t set too many Be united with other parent Be sure you are able and willing to
enforce it Allow for occasional flexibility Explanations should be brief, and very
young children need little or no explanation
Make sure your expectations are clear…the parent perspective and child perspective sometimes are very different
Consequences should create discomfort for the child and be directly related to the behavior
Provide positive reinforcement for rules that are followed
Avoid enabling behaviors
Enabling vs. Empowering
ENABLING EMPOWERING
A process of unwittingly allowing and encouraging irresponsible, inappropriate behavior in others
Actions and behaviors that encourage responsibility and sensible choices in others
Enabling Parents:
Accept excuses from child Make excuses for child Rescue Do for the child what he is capable of doing
for himself Take over the child’s responsibilities Bail the child out of trouble Feel sorry for the child Protect the child from consequences Give in to manipulations Fail to work as team with other parent
Enabling patterns…
Teach child to be irresponsible Set child up for unhappiness due to not
learning from consequences of behaviors Let child learn to manipulate others Do not teach respect for authority Lead to higher rates of anti-social and
dangerous, destructive behaviors
Overindulged Children Whine and pout when they don’t get their
way Demand Won’t take “no” for an answer Want immediate gratification Throw tantrums Self centered and inconsiderate of others Low frustration tolerance Expect others to do for them Underachieve
Note - All children exhibit these behaviors from time to time.
Overparenting“Loving Too Much”
Obsessively worry about child Can’t eat or sleep due to worry Share every emotional hurt child
experiences Share child’s anxieties Sees child’s responsibilities as parent’s Try to control everything child does
Needs to be dealt with by licensed mental health professional, who deals with co-dependency
Empowering patterns…
Encourage child to take on appropriate responsibilities in the family
Teach skills needed to cooperate with others
Teach skills needed to respect authority Teach skills needed in the real world Lead to less anti social behaviors Lead to happy, productive lives
BALANCING AUTHORITY IN THE FAMILY CHANGES THROUGH THE YEARS.
We must alter our perceptions, re-evaluate our techniques, and
be willing to make changes….often
within ourselves.
Parents who…
ENABLE EMPOWER Clean up child’s
mess Make excuses Accept excuses Blames others Gives in Does for the child
Teach skills Offer choices Give responsibility Confront honestly and
lovingly Follow through Hold child accountable Allow for mistakes Accept individuality
WHAT IS MOTIVATION?
Feeling or attitude of excitement Ability to work against
discouragement Ability to face competition and
challenge Ability to take on a task with
determination and perseverance
All healthy normal infants are born with motivation. Children are eager to learn, touch and explore.
Older children and adolescents who appear unmotivated possess the eagerness to learn, touch and explore.Most children show intense motivation toward special interests such as music, sports, clothes or friends.Their motivation fills them with excitement and vitality.
Many of our young people are unable to direct this enthusiasm and energy into the areas we as parents would like them to…mainly school and responsibilities.
Unmotivated children are generally discouraged children.
Discuss the case of Branden…
WHY DO CHILDREN GET DISCOURAGED?
Interference by well-meaning adults Inappropriate expectations Criticism, put-downs
Characteristics of Child Lacking Motivation
o Forgets, loses or misplaces thingso Makes excuseso Blames others, complainso Gives up easilyo Unwilling to attempt a tasko Fears failureo Requires constant reminding
o Unorganizedo Poor study skillso Does tasks only half-wayo Lacks goals and directiono Makes others feel guilty, do tasks for himo Acts outo Achievement scores decline over time
How can we break the cycle?
We cannot change another person, not even our own child.
A change in the way we interact with the child, however, may bring about change .
Reversal may be a slow process. Remember that the child didn’t reach this point in just one instance.
Be a role model
What messages of motivation, responsibility and education are you sending?
We may exhibit drive and motivation on the job or in our volunteer activities, but be careful not to turn off those characteristics when you return home after your long, hard day.
Show your child
Effort and sense of responsibility Respect and appreciation for education Ability to set and achieve goals Perseverance Ability to try again after failures Organizational skills Effort and process, not just end results “I Can” attitude
Encouragement vs. PraisePRAISE ENCOURAGEMENT
Often used as reward Not always believable Can be discouraging Creates dependency
on external reward Frequently based on
competitionExamples – “Wow, You are a genius!” “That’s a fantastic drawing!” “You’re incredible!”
Focuses on effort and improvement, not end result
Causes child to believe in himself
Emphasizes strengths Helps him accept his
imperfections Creates internal
motivation Helps child with courage
to face difficult tasksExamples – “Your little sister sure likes it when you read to her.”“You’re making good progress on your math. You’ll sure feel good when you have that finished.”
DON’T GIVE UP!Handout
PARENT ED EVALUATION