EARLIER THAN YOU MIGHT THINKTHE VERY FIRST INJUNCTIONS AND EARLIEST MEMORIES IN OUR L IVES

RUPTURE AND REPAIR

BY: GIL I DAR

Let’s start at the very beginning

Finally I am pregnant

Another 2 years of trying paid off

3 heartbeats

Stressed, sick but happy

Hanging in there

Half way through

And then there were 2

Loss, grief, fear

Already? But it’s too soon…

7th month pregnant

Emergency cesarean

2 girls pulled out of their mother’s body, injured, not ready, separated, lost

Mom is not ready too, lost

Mom asks about the 3rd baby. They make him disappear

I hear you baby, I can’t help

I can’t see you at all. Are you ok?

Hey! Be gentle! Slow down!

Welcome?I am so sorry! The guilt…

I get to feed and hold one.

Bonding? Almost no walls between us But the other one – this is as good as it gets

Life in a box

All I am allowed to do is wait…

I can’t mother you like that…You are being robbed! Me too.

Finally homeone is calm, the other isn’t she is trying to calm her sister

She is telling me something, I don’t hear her. Rejection, Abandonment– yet again…

what is happening here? Do you see how she holds me? It’s more like grabbing than holding. This is how she held us every time we picked her up. And it hurt. I always had scratches across my chest, and my husband, well, he is a hairy chested guy… So automatically, to stop our discomfort, without even thinking about it, we removed her hands every time she held us like that.

One is lost… One is present…

New perspective But then, when the twins were about a year and a half old, my perspective changed forever. I went to a workshop, with a wonderful midwife. She talked about the experience of the newborn baby, and all of a sudden, everything just clicked.

I came home to my husband that day and told him: “I get it! I get it now! She is talking to us! She is telling us not to leave her!! We must never take her hand off again. We need to reassure her. We need to tell her that we hear her! That we are not leaving her! That everything is ok!” and that’s exactly what we did. Within 3 days the grabbing just stopped. She was being heard. She knew it.

Our first real repair.

Healing begins:

I get it now:

I listen to her

acknowledge what she is telling me

Reassure her

She now knows:

She is being listened to

Her message came across

She is safe(er)

Mommy – don’t leave me!!!

At 3.5 something unbelievable happens

She remembers EVERYTHING!

Telling us her NICU story

Using strange words to describe the images she has been living with all this time

And then she is asking for repair

This is her story in her own words:

It was their older sister’s 6th birthday. August 2008. We were talking to her about the day she was born. All of a sudden, one of the twins, the one from the incubator, joined the conversation and said:

When I was a very little baby I had a splinter in my heel and the doctor took it out. (She had regular blood tests that where taken from her heel every other day).

I was crying. The doctor was angry at me for crying.

Then he closed the door. I didn't want him to close the door. (The incubator door)

And where was your sister? I asked She was with the female doctor.

And where was I? (I asked her).You weren't there. They told you to go away. (That was true. every time the doctors came in for regular check-ups or tests, all the parents in the NICU were asked to get out. we were not allowed to stay with our babies).

And then she was asking for repair. She said:

You were not there with me, but you won't leave me again, right mom?

so I told her: I am sooo sorry I wasn't there with you and I will never ever leave you again.

And I will not have to go to this doctor again, right? You will not leave me with the doctor?

No, you will not go to that doctor again. And if we will have to go to a doctor I will come with you and stay with you the whole time.

For the next 3 hours or so she kept asking me every few minutes, in every variation she could think of, if I am not leaving her again.

It continued for days… The next day she was talking about the doctor again, who now got the title "the mean doctor".

A week later she mentioned again the mean doctor. Then she told me: "You disappointed me mom"

On another occasion she said: "You left me with this doctor. I’ve been thinking about it; You don't leave people like this. It is not OK to leave people like that"

She talked about it repeatedly for months…

One of the most amazing things is that we never showed the girls any pictures from the NICU, nor did we talk to them about them being preemies before that day.

It’s not easy to put it behind…you can see it in her eyes

It’s a life long journey for us to get her out of that box, to make her feel loved, wanted, protected…

BUT - We were lucky I got a second chance to bond with her

I heard her, validated and reassured her

She was asking for repair – I gave it to her

I now know and understand her so well

She got to tell us

She knows that I hear her

She built a new trust in me

She got a second chance to bond with me

Yet, our relationship still have this thing between usWe are still working on our bond

Babies experiences during and right after birth:

•Rejection

•Mistrust

•Abandonment

•Pain

•Fear

•Disrespect

•Threatened

•Confused

•Lost

•Betrayed

•Rushed

•Pulled

•Pushed

•Violated

•Penetrated

•Torn

•Invisible

•Alone

Babies remember – and tell their story

We need to:• Listen• Communicate• Explain• Validate• Acknowledge• Respect• Understand• Allow• Adjust• Trust

They will feel:• Trusted• Reassured• Understood• Safe• Valued• Wanted• Cared for• Worthy• Heard• Loved