Defusing Volatile Conflict

DEFUSING VOLATILE CONFLICT

Three Words to Change the World

Jim Donnellan

Creating Dialogue In Dire Circumstances

04/15/2023 CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 3

Three questions:

04/15/2023CRITICAL PATH ENTERPRISES 4

• Have you ever been involved in a volatile encounter – either at home or at work – that you lived to regret?

• Take a moment to reflect upon the impact of that encounter

Question # 1:

Question # 2:• Would it be worth your while …

• to have a way to address problems like this

• which has the potential for producing a much different outcome?

#3: The core issueWhen two or more people are about to explode ...

What is the last thing that any of them will ever do?

THE LAST THING THAT THEY/WE WILL EVER DO ...

is pause the action and …

inquire non-judgmentally

into the other person's reasoning

WHY DON'T WE DO THIS?

The human predicamentThree factors

FACTOR #1: OUR AUTOMATIC RESPONSE

• To threatening situations• The reptilian side of our brain

Dictates

Flight

Factor #2

Silos of Certainty …

A SILO OF CERTAINTY

PERFECTION

WHAT’S HAPPENING TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

THE HUMAN EGO

• Our silo of certainty tends to stimulate the human egos need to be right

• That need is, in our minds, inextricably linked to our need to survive

We ignore

Our focus is here

Cocoons of Ignorance

From Silos of Certainty to …

TO ILLUSTRATE THE POINT

FACTOR #3: OUR PERCEPTION IS LIMITED

• It cannot take in all that we need to know in order to understand critical issues

• The Invisible Gorilla

Therefore, …we can safely say:

We think we know,

But we never do

There is a solution

• Prematurely judge

• And focus only on observable behavior

• Or deepen our understanding

• of what is happening here and why

WE HAVE A CHOICE

THIS APPROACH IS ROOTED IN …

TWO ASPECTS OF HUMAN NATURE…

THIS APPROACH IS ROOTED IN 2 REALITIES…

1. EVERYONE WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING

2. FEAR OF THE

UNKNOWN OFTEN DERAILS THE BEST OF INTENTIONS

The challenge is to remove the fear

• We can do this

• by entering into the mindset of the other and

• by becoming a proponent of their well-being.

BUT IF WE REMOVE THE FEAR …

– and nonjudgmental inquiry might just do that –

then it just might be possible to reach a COMPASSIONATE UNDERSTANDING of the other person.

QUAKER FRIENDS SERVICE COMMITTEE

Prove it

WE DON’T DO THIS VERY OFTEN,

• but when we have done it,

• the results have been remarkable.

• Creates cocoons of ignorance

• When silos of certainty collide

• Two major disasters in less than 60 years

THE REALITY, ALL TOO OFTEN

TWO MAJOR DISASTERS IN LESS THAN 60 YEARS

THE VIETNAM WAR

THE ECONOMIC COLLAPSE OF 2007-8

Commodity Futures Trading Commission

From the Asian meltdown 1998

IF THIS CAN HAPPEN TO VERY GIFTED LEADERS,

• It can happen to anyone

• The problem is a universal one

• All of our truths are incomplete

04/15/2023 48

Muhammad Yunus

THE POWER OF INQUIRY

Uri Avnery & Yasser Arafat

THE STOOL MAKERS OF JOBRA VILLAGE• He began visiting

villages so as to better understand the life of the poor.

• This led to a revealing interview with Sufiya, a stool maker in Jobra village

04/15/2023 51

SUFIYA’S LIFE

2 centsfor a day’s work

04/15/2023 52

SUFIYA’S LIFE: WHERE DID THAT 2 CENTS GO?• “it was barely

enough to feed her, let alone shelter her family and clothe them properly”

• “It seemed hopeless to imagine that her babies would one day escape this misery.”

04/15/2023 53

YUNUS’S REACTION

• “…this knowledge … shocked me.

• In my university courses, I theorized about sums in the millions of dollars,

• but here before my eyes the problems of life and death were posed in terms of pennies.

04/15/2023 54

SOMETHING WAS WRONG …

• Why did my university courses not reflect the reality of Sufiya’s life?

04/15/2023 55

I WAS ANGRY, …

• angry at myself, • angry at my economics

department &• the thousands of

intelligent professors • who had not tried to

address this problem and solve it.”

04/15/2023 56

THE STRATEGY

• Make loans to small groups

• Hold weekly meetings

• Payments are made at these meetings

04/15/2023 59

RESULTS• The poverty rate (as measured by international aid

organizations such as the World Bank) has fallen from an estimated 74% in 1973-74 to 57% in 1991-92, to 49% in 2000 — and then to 40% in 2005.

Poverty Rate

04/15/2023 61

40%200549%200057%1991-9274%1973-74

The Way out

• Avoid a first order or gut response• From the human ego

• I am right and you are wrong.

• From the reptilian part of our brain

• An automatic reaction to either perceived threat: flight or fight

THE WAY OUT

THE WAY OUT (CONTD)

• Create an other focused strategy

• One that scrutinizes the thinking, fears, and needs of one's adversary

• It's purpose is not refutation

• Its intent is to gain clarity of understanding • So that dialogue on the issues that separate can be achieved

DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT:

• Test it for yourself• Use Three Words to Change Your World for

background information

04/15/2023 67

Uri AvneriThe importance of:

Help Me Understand ...

HELP ME UNDERSTAND ...

04/15/2023 68

• These words require us to • move outside of the limits

• of our own psychological boundaries• Into the reality of another during

moments of high tension

• Take your best shot

• Share with a neighbor

GREATEST CONTRIBUTION OF MODERN SCIENCE

CHET RAYMO: "I DON'T KNOW"

• From the dawn of time, people have resisted saying "I don't know."

• They looked instead for explanations in tribal tradition, sacred books, or the supposed wisdom of shamans, priests and prophets.

• The most common cover up for ignorance is to invoke divinity.

IF SCIENCE HAS GIVEN ONE GREAT GIFT TO THE WORLD

• greater than the wonders of technology,

• greater than modern medicine,

• greater than flights to the moon and planets

• it has given us permission to say "I don't know."

HERE'S WHAT I WOULD SUGGEST

• The next time, do the following

• Don't respond immediately• Wait till you have gathered your

wits about you and subdued your anger

• This can take anywhere from a minute or two, an hour, a week, or longer

WHEN YOU HAVE CALMED DOWN SIMPLY ASK ...

•Help me understand why you said or did X?

• Then simply listen.

WHAT YOU WILL HEAR AND WHY IT IS IMPORTANT

• Assuming that you have in fact calmed down, and …

• If your inquiry is authentic and non-judgmental,

• You will probably get an answer that you did not expect.

• We always think we know what is on the mind of another

• But, especially in those moments of high tension,

we never do.

04/15/2023 82

THE END

The Benefit

… OF THIS KIND OF APPROACH:

• It will produce a journey of

lifelong learning

• … will reinforce a strategy rooted in reality

• And not in a

myth of our own making

THIS JOURNEY

A SOBERING REALITY …

• is that

• during a moment of intense crisis or volatile conflict

• the people we most need to talk to

• and fully understand

• are the very people that we will be least likely to talk to,

• which inevitably creates one disaster after another.

PROGRAM SPECIFICS

THIS PROGRAM: WHAT IT IS

• A set of tools for handling interpersonal conflict

A GUIDELINE:

• Your Rights End at My Doorstop

My rights, correspondingly, end at yours.

The Doorstep Rule

WHAT IS MEANT BY THIS?

Good fences make good neighbors

THE FIRST RULE OF DIALOGUE:

-Such an effort requires a genuine, not self-serving, desire to understand.

1.Inquire into another point of view.

The challenge:

Einstein on the ego

ADAPTTM

Attitude change

Giving up the need to be right.

Suspending judgment

Change your perception

Describe

exactly what happened

I.E. What was said, what the person actually did.

Pick one critical interaction or event.

Now that the critical incident is in focus,

we need to take the

next step.

We need to inquire into the other

person’s point of

Therefore, start with an initial question:

Help me understand why you said or did …?

Now that you’ve

identified the key incident

and defined

your first question …

PresentIt’s time to go face to

TestHow did

it go?

Were your goals

achieved?

• Did the encounter produce greater clarity?

• Have you established the basis for on-going dialogue?

ADAPTTM Explained

Attitude readjustment

Data collection: what do I know?

Ask: Questions to promote dialogue

Present

Test the waters

Questions?

THE END

ADAPTtm Workshop

Task• Think of your most

problematic situation – a boss, a peer, a customer, a subordinate.

• That individual will become the primary focus of this section.

Background

• Current situation• What led up to it

• Primary precipitating factors

• What has the person done that is a source of concern for you

• What attempts have you made to address the situation

Current attitude

• What is your gut reaction to this person

• What about the situation do you find irritating?

A = ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT

• Goals:

Clarity, dialogue

Synergy

REQUEST:

SUSPEND JUDGMENT!

SUSPENDING JUDGMENT

• Step back and observe what is actually happening

• Separate interpretation from event or behavior

• Recognize that there are multiple ways to interpret what is going on

A = ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT - BARRIERS

HUMAN TENDENCIES, I• Divine Right: Our need to be right, to feel superior

• Proselytizing: it is the other person that must change!

HUMAN TENDENCIES, II• Fault Intolerance: default to the negative

• Ego lock: The impulse to attack or counterattack

GAINING DISTANCE

• The invisible shield:

Breaking the causal link• Avoid the automatic response

• Stimulus can precipitate multiple responses

• Usually we respond predictably

• At the beginning of a relationship, how clear is the glass?

The Spectacles of life

• What happens to the glass as the relationship develops?

• What’s happening to the view?

• And finally…

Total FIXATION on the person’s negative qualities.The Spectacles of life

So, you say, what’s the point?

• Our task:

• Separate out judgement from what we’ve seen

• Why?

• To free ourselves from fixating on only one aspect of the person.

D = DATA COLLECTION

• List the observed events that have led up to your current level of frustration. Where possible, also include direct quotes.

• The trick, however, is to list them without your interpretations, without your associated meanings.

• List as many as you can recall.

• BE OBJECTIVE!!!!

D = DATA COLLECTION

• Share these events with your developmental partner.

• Then, ask for their interpretation of their meaning.

D = DATA COLLECTION

• What are others saying?• How are they interpreting

this behavior?

AND NOW …

• Observe this person doing something right

A = ASK

Putting observable behavior

on the table

A = ASK

• Your initial purpose: put observable behavior on the table, then ask:

Help me understand.

What is going on here?

Or, what is your thinking?

A = ASK

• Why are these questions so crucial?

It is almost universally true that

what we typically don’t know is the other person’s reasoning.

A = ASK

• We are setting the stage for the MEETING STRUCTURE

• Purpose• Description of events

•QUESTION(S)

P = PRESENT

1. Data – Behavior Observed

2. Ask Question(s)

3. Present additional Data: • Other Points of view• Your point of view

1. DATA

2. ASK

• Possible questions: • Help me understand.

What’s going on here.

• Please explain. What’s your thinking?

3. PRESENT POINTS OF VIEW

If apprpropriate, share interpretations

• Others• Yours

• Why present other points of view first?

• Sharing a variety of interpretations, yours as well as others.

• Their perceptions are part of the DATA that is relevant to this discussion

• Remember: this step is a judgment call. It may not be appropriate (especially if this is a meeting with your boss and you just want a better understanding of where s/he is coming from).

• Transition Paraphrase: • What you have said is…

• Now, ask:• Are you interested in hearing how

others have interpreted this behavior?

• Present:•This is what they are

saying: ...

• Question:• Are you interested in my view?

• Present• This is how I view it

T = TEST

T = DISCREPANCY TEST

Is there a discrepancy between where you are and where you want to be:

• Has the basis for continuing dialogue been achieved?• Is your understanding more complete?• Is your rapport greater now than it was before the

meeting?

T = TEST THE WATERS

• If you remain uncomfortable with the meeting result, …

• SAY:• I hear what you are saying, but it doesn’t

seem to explain everything that I’ve seen happening:

T = TEST THE WATERS

•In particular, several events remain unexplained or unclear:

• Event #1

• Event #2

• Event #3

• Can you help me here?

RESOLUTION

• AGREE

• AGREE TO DISAGREE

• DISAGREE

• THEN, DEFINE:

NEXT STEPS

Start next review session here

End video session here

Defusing Volatile Conflict

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