True or False?

•“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends with mt.

•In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes.

•Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.

•China is the fourth largest producer of gas and oil in the world.

•Seven percent of the population are lefties.

•Cockroaches can live for 9 days after their head has been cut off.

•Most lipstick is partially made of fish scales..

•Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

Dealing With Difficult People

Definitions

• Conflict:

A disagreement or clash between ideas, principles, or people

• Collaboration:

A working together; the act of working together with one or more people in order to achieve something

A Process for Driving Collaboration

EvaluationIdentifying and assessing

results9

Conflictor Issue

Option Overview

5

Follow-upMonitoring

Implementation8

ImplementationPutting solutions into

action7

Collaboration 6

Goal DefinitionPicturing the Should Be1

Fact FindingSearching for +/- facts2

Issue DefinitionPrioritizing Problems3

CollaborationRequest4

Characteristics of Successful Team Collaboration

• Timely involvement

• Availability of resources

• Defined plan based on sharing of information

• Culture that encourages cooperation and collaboration

• Effective teamwork and team member cooperation

• Shared values

Collaboration Opportunities

Issue

Expertise

Creativity & Innovation

Experience With Issue

People Power

Values Check

AdditionalResources

Skills

Perspective

Commitment to Collaborate on a Conflict Issue

• Conflict issue

• Collaborative support needed

• Goal definition

• Plan of action

• My personal commitment to the collaboration

The Peacemaking PyramidThe Peacemaking Pyramid

Correct

Dealing with things that are going wrong

Helping things go right

Get out of the box / Obtain a heart of peace

Teach & Communicate

Listen & Learn

Build the Relationship

Build Relationships With Others Who Have Influence

The Choice DiagramThe Choice DiagramSense / Desire

Seeing people as people with needs, cares, worries, fears that

matter like mine

Choice

Honour the Sense

I continue to see them as a person

like myself

Betray the Sense

See others in ways that justify self betrayal. They become an object

of blame

My Heart Goes To War

View of Myself View of Other

Feelings View of World

(Better-than, I-Deserve, Worse-than, Must-be-seen-as)

ISee

TheySee

I Do

They do

Allies Allies

The Anatomy of PeaceThe Arbinger Institute

The Collusion Diagram

View of MyselfView of MyselfSuperiorImportantVirtuous / Right

View of OthersView of OthersInferiorIncapable / IrrelevantFalse / Wrong

FeelingsFeelingsImpatientDisdainfulIndifferent

View of WorldView of WorldCompetitiveTroubledNeeds Me

“Better Than” Way of Seeing

A heart at war needs enemies to justify it’s existence. It needs enemies and mistreatment more than it needs peace.

View of MyselfView of MyselfMeritoriousMistreated / VictimUnappreciated

View of OthersView of OthersMistakenMistreatingUngrateful

FeelingsFeelingsEntitledDeprivedResentful

View of WorldView of WorldUnfairUnjustOwes Me

“I-Deserve” Way of Seeing

View of MyselfView of MyselfNeed to be well thought ofFake

View of OthersView of OthersJudgementalThreateningMy Audience

FeelingsFeelingsAnxious / AfraidNeedy / StressedOverwhelmed

View of WorldView of WorldDangerousWatchingJudging me

“Must Be Seen As” Way of Seeing

View of MyselfView of MyselfNot as goodBroken / DeficientFated

View of OthersView of OthersAdvantagedPrivilegedBlessed

FeelingsFeelingsHelplessJealous / BitterDepressed

View of WorldView of WorldHard / DifficultAgainst meIgnoring me

“Worse Than” Way of Seeing

Recovering Inner Clarity and PeaceRecovering Inner Clarity and Peace

• Look for signs of Blame, Justification, Horribilization, Ego, etc.

• Find an out-of-the-box place• Ponder the situation anew (from the out-of-

the-box place)• Act upon what you have discovered; do what

you are feeling you should do.

Questions for ClarityQuestions for Clarity

• What are this person’s or people’s challenges, trials, burdens and pains?

• How am I, or some group of which I am a part, adding to these challenges, trials , burdens and pains?

• In what other ways have I or my group neglected or mistreated this person or group?

• In what ways are my self justification habits obscuring the truth and interfering with potential solutions?

• What am I feeling I should do for this person or group? What could I do to help?

Conflict Reaction Profile

Passive

Assertive

Aggressive

What do I think?

Why do I think that?

What evidence do I have?

My example is…

The evidence shows…

Therefore, I think…

Think

Speak

1-4 seconds for “reflection”

Responding Effectively in Impromptu Situations

CushionCushion Your

ResponseAvoid Using

I hear you saying …

I understand you said…

I appreciate your view on …

That’s an interesting point of view …

But …

However …

Nevertheless …

Evidence Demonstratio

nsDE

FE

AT

S

ExamplesFact

s ExhibitsAnalogi

esTestimonialsStatisti

cs

Doubt

Disagree Agreeably

What do I think?

Why do I think that?

What evidence do I have?

My example is…

The evidence shows…

Therefore, I think…

Think

Speak

1-4 seconds for “reflection”

Cushion

Begin with nothing. Eliminate:- Prejudice- Emotions- Concepts- Opinions

Listen “To” the other person instead of listening “For” something.

Avoid replacing their reality with your own.Resist the temptation to compare their words

with your own experiences.

How to Listen Effectively

• Ask questions for clarification, not just to ask questions.

• You don’t have to respond while the other person is talking.

• Picture what the other person is saying and summarize when the person has finished.

• Picture what “it” is, not what you assume “it” is.• Your goal is to understand the person’s reality

Listening (cont.)

The Conflict CycleThe Conflict Cycle

Event

Interpretation

Emotional Response

Physical Response

Attitude Response

Effect

Conflict Response Scale

Avoid

Avoid

Win-Win ApproachWin-Win Approach

Dictat

e

Dictat

e

Oblige

Oblige

Compro

mise

Compro

mise

Stand O

ur Gro

und

Stand O

ur Gro

und

Collabora

te

Collabora

te

Conflict Resolution Plan

Specific conflict

People involved

Plan of Action

Results expected

Accountability Partner

The Risk of Anger

• Damaging trust

• Impairing judgement

• Diminishing concern for the other parties’ preferences

• Neglecting of one’s own goals

Destructive Emotional Expressions

• Blaming

• Attacking the other person

• Repressing it as long as we can

Healthy Emotional Expressions

• Name the accurate emotion

• Nonjudgmental

• Express in direct, straightforward manner

• Doesn’t blame or attack the other person

• Conveys that others do not cause our feelings

You are simply guiding the other person through the

uncharted territory of current reality.

Workplace Negativity

• How does it show?• What are the causes?• What are the possible solutions?

HTWF Principles

• Don't criticize, condemn or complain. • Give honest and sincere appreciation. • Arouse in the other person an eager want. • Become genuinely interested in other people. • Smile. • Remember that a person's name is to that

person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

HTWF Principles

• Be a good listener. • Talk in terms of the other person's interest. • Make the other person feel important - and

do in sincerely.

Gain Willing Cooperation

• The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

• Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say "you're wrong.”

• If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

• Begin in a friendly way. • Get the other person saying "yes, yes"

immediately.

Gain Willing Cooperation

• Let the other person do a great deal of talking. • Let the other person feel that the idea is his or

hers. • Try honestly to see things from the other

person's point of view. • Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas

and desires. • Appeal to their nobler motives.

Gain Willing Cooperation

• Dramatize your ideas. • Throw down a challenge.

• What assumptions am I making that I’m not aware that I’m making that’s giving me my current results?

• What can I now invent or create, that I have not yet invented, that will give me more choices?

Being a “Breath of Fresh Air”

1. Name the Issue. 2. Select a specific example that illustrates the

behaviour or situation you want to change. 3. Describe your emotions about this issue. 4. Clarify what is at stake. 5. Identify your contribution to the problem.

Having Difficult Conversations

6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue. 7. Invite your partner to respond. 8. Inquire into your partner’s views. 9. Where are we now? What have we

learned? 10.Make an agreement and determine how you

will hold each other responsible for keeping it.

Difficult Conversations (cont.)

Principles for Maintaining Emotional Control

1. Write down your feelings

2. Share your feelings with someone you trust

3. Count to ten

4. Listen to music

5. Take a break

Talk Through the Issue

• Stop and cool off.

• Talk and listen to each other.

• Find out what you both need.

• Brainstorm solutions.

• Choose the idea you both like best.

• Make a plan and go for it!

Barrier?

Who owns this?

What’s in the way?

When did this begin?

Impact?

How should we address it?

Why is this happening?

Charting Conflict-Based Barriers

Adapt

Keep relationship warm

Listen to values

Act on what we hear

Follow up

Be willing to change

Building Trust through Conflict

Turning Barriers into Opportunities

Positive vs. negative self-talk

Choose your battles

Focus on what we can vs. can’t change

Focus on potential ROI

Go the extra mile.

Be flexible.

See things from the other person’s point of view.

Be empathetic.

Maintaining Positive Conflict Resolution Strategies

Problem Solving Questions

• 1. What is the issue?• 2. What is the root cause?• 3. What are the possible solutions?• 4. What is the best solution?• 5. What is the 1st action I will take?

Summary of Tactics

1. Have a positive attitude2. Meet on mutual ground3. Clearly define and agree on the issue4. Do your homework5. Take an honest inventory of yourself6. Look for shared interest

Summary of Tactics

7. Deal with facts, not emotions8. Be Honest9. Present alternatives and provide evidence10.Be an expert communicator11.End on a good note12.Enjoy the process