CONFRONTYOURTEENAGERABOUTSTEALINGStealinginteenagersiscommon.Mostteenagerswilltakesomethingthatdoesn’tbelongtothematsomepoint.However,itisbehaviourthatyouneedtotackle-andstop.Teenagerswhostealregularlytendtofeelabitmore‘entitled’tothings.However,ingeneral,mostteensdon’tlikethemselvesverymuchfortakingthingsthatdon’tbelongtothem.Theymaywanttochangebutdon’tknowhow.Stealingcanbecomeahabitthatishardtostop.Noteenagerwantstogetcaughtstealing.Initiallywhenyoufirstconfrontyourteenagertheymaygetupset,angryordefiant.However,ifyouhandleitintherightway,youcanhelpyourteenagertakeresponsibilityforwhatthey’vedoneandbreakthestealinghabit.Howdoyouconfrontateenagerwhoyouknowhasbeenstealing?Whatdoyousay?Furtheroninthisguide,I’mgoingtogothroughascript.Theactualwordsyoucanusetochallengeyourteenageroverthestealing.Thiswillhelpyourteenagertorealisetheimpactofwhatthey’vedoneandwillhopefullystopthemstealinginthefuture.However,first,we’regoingtolookathowyoucanunderstandyourteenager,andpreparetotalkwiththem.Thedayyoufindoutaboutthestealing,andconfrontyourteenager,willbeadaytheywillrememberforyearstocome.It’simportanttosaytherightthingsandhelpthemrememberitfortheRIGHTreasons.Whatifyou’vegotnoproof?Ifyoususpectyourteenagerisstealing,buthavenoproof,youwillhavetowaittohavetheconversationaboutstealingwhenyouhavesomeevidence.Inthemeantime,thereareafewthingsyoucando:• Hideyourvaluablesandyourpurse.

• Markanybanknotesinyourpursewithasmallcrossinthecorner.Thatway,ifyoudiscovermoneyinyour

teenager’spossession,youcanthenidentifywhetheritcamefromyourpurse.• Ifmoneyhasgonemissingfromyourpurse,youcouldputanenvelopeonthekitchentableandgoout.Explain

thatyouwantthemissingmoneytobereturnedbythetimeyougetback.(Itmightwork!)• Ifthemoneyisnotreturned,deducttheamountthathasbeenstolenfromthehousekeepingmoney.Iwould

suggestthatEVERYBODYinthefamilyeatsonlybasic,value,cheapmeals,withnotreats,untilyou’vemadeupthemoneythatwastaken.

• Plantohaveplentyofone-to-onetimewithyourteenagerandfamilydiscussionsabouthonesty.Trytosteertheconversationtodiscusstheimpactthatstealinghasonrelationships.Explainthattrustinrelationshipsiseasytoloseandhardtoregain.Talkabouthowtakingthingscanbecomeahabit,that’simportanttobreak.Explainthatanumberofshopswillprosecuteateenagerthefirsttimethey’recaughtshoplifting,whichcanresultinateenagergettingacriminalrecord.Talkabouthowhavingacriminalrecordcoulddamageyourteenager’sfuturejobprospectsandchoiceofcareer,whichcouldaffectyourteenagerfortherestoftheirlives.

Whyisitsoimportanttotacklethestealingintherightway?

Whenyoufirstdiscoveryourteenagerhasbeenstealingyouhaveanopportunitytostopthem.It’simportanttoknowwhatconsequencestogive,andwhythey’reimportant.Whatmighthappenifyouaretoosoft?Ifyouletyourteenagergetofftoolightly–youwon’tstopthem,andthestealingwillcontinue.Stealingcanbecomeahabitthatishardtobreak.Ifthey’recaught,thiscouldcauseyourteenagertoendupwithacriminalrecord.Ofcourse,youarenotresponsibleforthebadchoicesyourteenagermakes.Iftheygetacriminalrecordorgotoprisonitwillbetheirownfault.However,youhavethechancetostopyourteenagerstealingagain,andchangethedirectionthey’reheaded.Whatcouldhappenifyouaretooharsh?Ifyouaretoosevereyourteenagermayendupdefiantandrebellious.Givingtoughpenaltiesforstealingcanstopyourteenagerfeelingguiltyaboutthestealing,andcausethemtofeelresentfultowardsyouforissuingsuchastrictpunishment.Ithastheoppositeeffecttotheresultyou’dwant.Harshpunishmentsareunlikelytomakeyourteenagerwanttostopstealing.Itcancreatemoreofariftinyourrelationshipwithyourteenager,andjustmakethemmoredeterminednottogetcaughtnexttime.Ifyoucangivesufficientappropriateconsequencesforthestealing-youmaybeabletostopit.TheconsequencesIsuggestyoutogivewillhopefullyhelpyourteenager:

• Regaintheirbeliefintheirownself-worth.• Regaintheirrespectforyou.• Understandhowtheirstealinghasaffectedthepeoplearoundthem.And• Stopthemfeelingentitledtotakeotherpeople’spossessions.

Ifyouhandletheconversationwell,youcangetyourteenagertounderstandandagreethatiftheyeverstealagain,theywillbechoosingharsherconsequences.Yourultimateaimistostopthestealinghabitwithyourrelationshipintactsoyoucancontinuetoinfluenceyourteenagerforthebetter.Beforeyouactuallyconfrontyourteenager,it’susefultolookatwhatmaybegoingonforyourteenager,soyoucanplanaheadfortheconversationyou’llhave.

Whatmaybegoingoninsideyourteenager’shead?

Readthroughthefollowinglistanddecideforyourselfwhichsuggestionsmaybetrueforyourteenager:Beforeyourteenageriscaughtstealing• Yourteenagermaynotthinkofthemselvesasabadpersonforstealing.• Ontheotherhand,sometimesateenageristoldsooftenthattheyarebad,theythinkofthemselvesasa‘rebel.’

Theydecidethattheywillneverbegoodatbeinggood,sotheydecidetobereallygoodatbeingbad!Ifthisisyourteenager,theymaynotworryaboutbeingcaught.

• Yourteenagermaynotknowwhythey’restealing.However,thereisoftenanunderlyingissuethattheydon’t

feelappreciatedordon’tfeeltheygettheattentionorrespecttheydeserve.• Ifyourteenagerhasbeenstealingfromshopsorfromfriends,theymaywellhaveconvincedthemselvesthatit

isn’tfairthattheydon’thavethethingsotherpeoplecanafford.Theymaythinktheyhavethesamerighttoownnicethings,asothers,andmaybelievetheshopscanaffordit.

• Yourteenagermayhaveconvincedthemselvesthatstealingisn’tsobad.

Ifseveraloftheirfriendssteal,andgetawaywithit,theymayadmirethesefriendsforhavingthecouragetosteal.

• Yourteenagermaystealbecauseofthethrillitgivesthem.Theadrenalinerushofdoingsomethingwrong.• Yourteenagermayfeelthateverybodythinkstheyareaniceteenager,andsometimestheyjustwanttorebel

anddosomethingnoonewouldexpectthemtodo–toshowthey’reindependent.• Stealingfordrugmoneyisnotuncommon.

Itisgoodtobeprepared,whenconfrontingyourteenageraboutthestealing,thatyourteenagercouldbestealingtobuydrugs.Ifdrugtakingisalsoanissue,youwillneedtotacklethattoo.Ifyourteenagerconfessestousingdrugs,thankyourteenagerforbeinghonest.Tellyourteenageryouneedtothinkaboutthatone,andthatyou’llhelpgetitsorted.Explainthatyou’llneedtocomebacktothemwhenyou’veworkedoutthebestwaytotackleit.Thengetsomeprofessionaladvice.

• Deepdown,yourteenagerprobablydoesn’tlikethemselvesmuchforstealing.Takingthingsmayhavebecomeahabit.Yourteenagerknowsthatstealingiswrongandmaydreadbeingcaught.

• Itispossiblethatthestealinghasbeengoingonforsometime.

Youmayhavebeentoobusyortoounobservanttonoticethemissingmoney.Sofaryourteenagerhasgotawaywithit.However,here’stheshowdowntheyhavebeendreading.

Sohowmightyourteenagerbehavewhenyouconfrontthem?• Yourteenagermaylietoyouaboutwherethemoneyhascomefrom.

Yourteenagermayclaimitwasputtherebyabrotherorsister,oritbelongstoafriend,orit’stheirsavings,ortheyhavenoideahowitgotthere.Youcouldsay:‘It’shardtobelievethatyoursisterwouldhidethemoneyunderyourmattress.Iwillbetalkingtoanyoneyoublame.SothinkcarefullybeforeIcheckoutyourstory.’Alternatively,youmightsay:‘Whatyouaresayingdoesn’tseemlikely.However,Iwilltalktoyourfriend’sparents.I’drathernotinvolveanyoneelse,asIsuspectyouwouldpreferotherpeopledidn’tknowaboutthemoney.However,itisyourchoice.Ifyouinsistthemoneywasgiventoyoubyyourfriend,Iwillcheckitoutwithhis/herparents.’

• Yourteenagermaybeannoyedthatyouwere‘snooping’intheirroomlookingforthemissingmoney.

Accusingyouofspyingisagooddiversionfromtherealissueofthestolenmoney.Generally,itisbesttorespectateenager’sprivacy.However,thisisyourhouse.Youpaythebills.Yourteenagerislivingunderyourroof.Youhavearighttogointoanyroomyouchooseandlookforthingsthathavegonemissing.It’syourresponsibilitytoprotectyourteenagerwhentheyhavemadepoordecisions,particularlyifthatmistakecouldaffecttheircareerprospectsinthefuture.Losingyourtrustwillresultinyoucheckinguponthemmoreoften.Ifyourteenagerisannoyedwithyouforlookingintheirroom,youcouldsay:‘Privacyandtrustarethingsyouearn;theyarenot‘rights.’Ipaythebills.Thisismyhouse.Iwasworriedaboutthemissingmoney.Ihaveeveryrighttolookforit.Wecandiscussthislater.RightnowIwanttoknowaboutthemoney.’

• Yourteenagermaystronglydenystealingthemoney,andtrytomakeyoufeelguiltyforsuspectingtheminthe

firstplace.• Anyteenagerwhoisaccusedofstealingwillprobablytrytocontactsomeonetobackuptheirstory.

Whilstyou’resortingthisoutyoumayliketopreventthemusingtheirmobileorelectronicdevicestocontactotherpeople.Insistthatyouwillcheckouttheirstorywithaparentoradult-whowillbemuchlesslikelytocoverforyourteenager.Giveyourteenagerfairwarningthatyou’reabouttocalltheirfriend’sparents,tocheckuptheirstory,incasetheywanttoreconsider.

• Ifyourteenagerisstealing,it’spossibletheywon’twanttoadmittoit,ortakeresponsibility.• Yourteenagermayhaveconvincedthemselvesthatyoualmostdeserveitforbeingsonaïveandtrusting.• Theywillprobablyrelyonyoubelievingtheirstorytogetawaywithit.• Yourteenageralmostcertainlywon’twantyoutoknowaboutanythingelsethey’vestoleninthepast.• Yourteenagerwillprobablywanttocheckoutwhatconsequencesyouhaveinmindiftheyownup.

Explaintheconsequencestheywillgettoday,andwhatwillhappeninthefutureifthey’reevercaughtstealingagain.’

Onceyourteenagerrealisesyouknowtheywerestealing:• Yourteenagermayconfessandtellyouhowguiltytheyhavebeenfeelingaboutit.Thisisprobablythebest

reactionofall,asyouwantyourteenagertofeelguiltyandshowsomeremorse.• Yourteenagermaycryandgetupset.Iftheyjustcry,letthem.It’sahorriblesituationtobein.Beingcaughtcan

behugelyupsetting.Justwaituntiltheycalmdownandthencontinuetheconversation.Someteenagerswillusecryingasadiversion.Don’tletthetearsdeteryoufrombeingfirmabouttheconsequencesforthestealing.

• Yourteenagermaysaysorry,andtellyouthey’llneverdoitagain.Theymayoffertodosomethingforyouto

showhowsorrytheyare,inthehopeyouwillstillfeeltheyaretrustworthyanddecent.Ifyourteenagerapologises–accepttheirapology.‘I’mgladyou’resayingsorry.That’simportant.Youareusuallysogood.Thisisunlikeyou.Iknowyou’vemadeamistake.What’simportantisthatyoulearnfromit,becauseifyoudon’ttheconsequencescouldcostyouyourreputation,yourfriendshipsandacriminalrecord.Sortingthisoutisgoingtobetough,butIknowyou’llbeokintheend.’

• Yourteenagermaygetangry.Theymayfeelthat‘attackisthebestformofdefence.’

Theymayshoutatyouorcriticiseyouforallyourfaults.Theymayjustifythestealingbyblamingyou.Theiraggressionisanattempttochanneltheconversationawayfromthestealing.Ifyourteenagergetsangryatyou,youmayenduptryingtodefendyourself.Thisstopsyourteenageracceptingtheydidsomethingwrong.Inthiscase,youcouldsaysomethinglike:‘Therealissueisthat£60wentmissingfrommypurse,andthemoneywasfoundunderyourmattress.That’stheonlythingI’dliketodiscussrightnow.Ifyouwanttoyellorscream,I’mleaving.I’llcomebackinhalfanhour,whenyou’vecalmeddown.WhenIcomeback,themissingmoneyiswhatI’dliketodiscuss.’

• Ifyourteenagerrealisestheyhavebeencaught,theymayclaimthiswasthefirsttimethey’vestolen.Althoughit’spossiblethisisthefirsttime,it’sveryunlikely.Mostteenagershavetakenafewthingsbefore.Somewillhavebeentakingthingsthatdon’tbelongtothemforyears!

• YourteenagerwillprobablywantyoutohelpthemfeelthattheyarestillanOKperson,eveniftheyhavedone

somethingwrong.• Yourteenagerwilldesperatelywanttokeeptheirreputationintact.

Yourteenagerwillbedesperatetoavoidanyoneelseknowingaboutthestealing.Theywon’twanttoapologiseorreturnmoneyoritemsthey’vestolentofamilymembers,friendsorshops.

• Yourteenagermaybegladofconsequencesandwanttomakeupforthestealing.• Alternatively,yourteenagercouldhaveanattitudeofentitlement.

Theymaytrytogetoutofhavinganyconsequences.• Whenyourteenagerrealiseshowmuchthestealinghasupsetyou,andstoppedyoutrustingthem,theywill

undoubtedlywanttogetthattrustback.Ifyouconfrontyourteenageraboutthestealing,andhandleitwell…• Intheend,possiblyyearslater,yourteenagerwillbegladyoustoppedthem.• They’llberelievedtheydidn’tevergetacriminalconvictionforstealing.• Yourteenagerwillprobablyfeelabitembarrassedaboutthestealing,andacceptitwaswrong.• Theymaystillenvyotherpeople’spossessions,butthey’llknowthatiftheyreallywantsomethingthey’llhaveto

earnit.• Hopefully,yourteenagerwillfeelclosertoyouandsorrytheyeverstolefromyou.

HowtotacklethestealingTherearetwopartstoconfrontingyourteenager:1. Thefirstpartispreparingproperlyfortheconversation.

Workingoutwhatyou’lldoifyourteenagerreactsindifferentways.2. Thesecondpartisactuallyhavingtheconversation.Part1:Preparingtoconfrontyourteenager.Imagineforamoment,that£60hasgonemissingfromyourpurse,andyou’vefound£60underyourteenager’smattress.It’simportanttoprepareproperlytoconfrontyourteenager.It’sgoodtoplanwhatyouwanttosay,andplanwhen,whereandhowyou’llsayit,tomakesurethattheimpactoftheconversationhastheeffectyouwant.Beforeyoutalktoyourteenageraboutthestealing,askyourself:Areyoucalm?Haveyouhadtimetocooloffandthinkclearly?Ifyoudiscoveritemsormoneyinyourteenager’sroomthatyoubelievetheyhavestolen,giveyourselfatleasthalfanhourtocalmdown.Don’ttalktoyourteenageruntilyou’vehadachancetoplanwhatyouwanttosay.

Duringtheconversationplantobefirmbutgentle.Don’traiseyourvoice.Plantostaycalmallthetime.Doyouknowexactlywhathappened?Doyouhaveproof?Couldtherebeanyotherreasontheyhavethismoneyintheirpossession?Doyouneedtospeaktoanyone(suchasyourpartner)tofindoutmoreinformation?Canyouplantohavetheconversationinprivate?Don’tembarrassyourteenagerbyconfrontingthemwhenabrother,sisteroranyoneelsecanhear.Itisalsobesttochooseoneparenttohavetheconversation.Twoparentsagainstoneteenagercanfeelscaryandhostile.Iftheconversationdoesnotgowell,planahead.Whatwillyousayordo?• itisgoodifyourteenagergetsupsetthattheygotcaught.

However,itissensibletoplanaheadsoifyourteenagercries,youdon’tfeeltemptedtoletthemoff.Yourteenagerwillhopethattheirdistresswillmakeyoufeelsorryforthem.Youmightliketosay:‘It’soktocry.It’supsettingtobecaughtdoingsomethingwrong.Comehereandhaveacuddle.Lateron,whenyou’refeelingcalmer,we’lltalkaboutwhat’sgoingtohappennext.’Donottalkabouttheconsequencesstraightaway,letyourteenagercryandhaveachancetocalmdown.

• Ifyourteenagergetsangryorconfrontational,stopthem.Say:‘No,stop!Wecantalkaboutthatlater.Rightnowwe’retalkingaboutthemoneythatwasunderyourmattress.’

• Ifyourteenagerbecomesphysicallyaggressivewalkaway.Say:‘Stopthat!It’snotoktotrytohurtme.I’mgoingoutoftheroom,butwewilltalkaboutthislater.’

• Ifyoustarttoloseyourtemper,orfeeloverwhelmed,it’sgoodtorememberthatyoudon’tneedtosorteverythingoutinthesameconversation.Youcouldsaytoyourteenager:‘Ineedabitoftime.I’mgoingtotakeabreaksoIcancalmdown.Wewillcarrythisconversationonlater.’

• Ifyourteenagertriestolieaboutwhytheyhavethemoney,plantogivethemsometimetoreconsiderbeforeyoumakecallstocheckouttheirstory.Anyteenagerwhoiscaughtstealingwillprobablytrytocontactafriendtobackuptheirstory.Whilstyou’resortingthisoutyoumayliketopreventyourteenagerusingtheirmobileorelectronicdevicestocontactotherpeople.Insistthatyouwillcheckouttheirstorywithaparentoradult-whowillbemuchlesslikelytocoverforyourteenager.Givethemfairwarningthatyouareabouttomakethatcall.‘IwillberingingJack’sparentstoaskifit’struethathelentyou£60.I’llgiveyouhalfanhour,thenI’llcallthem.’

• Impressonyourteenager-nowisthetimetoadmitthetruth.Whatwillyousaytostarttheconversation?‘Ineedtotalktoyouaboutsomethingserious,isnowagoodtime?Ifnot,whencanwetalktoday?’Explainthefacts,tentativelysaywhatyouhaveconcluded,thenaskyourteenagertoexplainExplaintoyourteenager:‘£60hasgonemissingfrommypurse.’(fact.)‘Thismorning,Iwasmakingyourbed,andfound£60underthemattress.’(fact.)‘Thathasledmetobelievethatyoutookthemoneyfrommypurse,andhiditunderyourmattress.(tentativeconclusion.)Isthatwhathappened?’

Itisimportant,ifyoucan,tohelpyourteenagerunderstandthefactsthathaveledyoutothinktheystolethemoney.Evenifyouthinkyourcaseiswater-tight,don’ttellyourteenageryouknowtheytookthemoney.Don’taskyourteenager‘didyoustealthe£60frommypurse?Withouttellingthemwhatyoufound.Youwillbeinvitingthemtolie.Ofcoursetheywillsay‘no!’Noonelikestobe‘setup.Tellyourteenagerwhatyouhavefound.Ratherthanaccusingyourteenager.Usewordsthatarenotemotiveorjudgemental.(Avoidwordslike‘stealing’or‘thief’.Insteadtalkabout‘takingthingswithoutasking,’‘makingamistake,’‘notthinkingstraight’ora‘makingapoorchoice.’Ifyoulabelyourteenagerasathief,theywillstarttoliveuptothatreputation.Yourteenagerwillbegoodinmanyways.However,iftheytookyourmoney,theyhavemadeapoorchoice!Whatdoyouwantoutofthediscussion?Whatwouldbethebestoutcome?• Ideally,youwantyourteenagertoadmitthattheymadeamistake,makeamendsforwhattheytookandnotto

takethingsthatdon’tbelongtothemagain.

• Youundoubtedlywanttohaveagoodrelationshipwithyourteenagerattheend.However,therewillbeariftinyourrelationshipforawhile,andyouneedtobeokwiththat.Yourteenagerhaslostyourtrust.Theirfuturehonestyrestswithhowfirmandconsistentyoucanbewiththeconsequences.

• Youwantyourteenagertoknowthatyoustilllovethem.

However,you’reupsetanddisappointedinthem,andneverexpectedthisfromthem.• Youalsowanttofindoutwhytheystole,andaddressanyunderlyingproblems.• Ultimately,youwanttoallowyourteenagerthechancetoredeemthemselvesandre-buildyourrelationship

andthetrustyouhaveinthem.Whatwillbethebestwaytoapproachtheconversationtogettheoutcomeyouwant?Donotaskyourteenageriftheystolethemoney.Tellthemthefacts,tellthemwhatyouthinkthefactsmean,andthenaskwhattheythink.Donotgetdistractedfromsortingthisoutifyourteenagercriesorgetsangry.Trynottobelieveastoryorexcusethatyourteenagergivesyou.Makesurethatyouchecktheirstorywithanadult.Donotloseyourtemperorgetangryyourself.Plantostaycompletelycalm-keepyourvoicecalm,confidentandclearandmakeeyecontactduringyourdiscussion.Evenifyourteenagerisadamantthattheyhaven’ttakenit,orhasnoideaabouthowthemoneygotintotheirroom.Whatifyourteenagerrefusestoaccepttheevidence?Askyourteenagertogotoaneutralroomtothinkaboutit.Explainthatyouwillcomeandtalktotheminhalfanhour,whenthey’vehadachancetothink.Ifpossible,askyourteenagernottousetheirlaptopormobileduringthattime.Someteenagerswillphoneafriendtoprovideanalibi.Makeitaneutralroom.Ifyourteenagergoestotheirbedroom,theycouldusethetimetohideevidenceofitemsthey’vestolenWhatifthereareotherthingsthathavegonemissing?

Donotaccuseorblameyourteenagerforanythingelsethathasgonemissinguntiltheyhaveadmittedtostealingthemoney.Yourteenagercouldbecomejustifiablyupsetifyouwronglyaccusethem.Waituntilyourteenageradmitstheystolethemoney.Thenexplainwhyyouthinkthismayhavehappenedbefore.Ifitdoesn’tcomeup,askattheend‘WhataboutthemoneythatwentfromDarren’smoneyjar?Didyoutakethattoo?Explaintoyourteenagerthattodayistheirchancetocomecleanaboutanythingelsetheyhavestoleninthepast.Tellyourteenagerthatifyoufindanythingelse,youwillassumetheyhavetakenitaftertoday.Anyfuturestealingwillattractmoresevereconsequences.Whatcanyoudotomakeitmorelikelyyourteenagerwon’tstealagain?• Aseverepunishmentmaystopyoursonordaughterstealingintheshortterm,outoffear,ratherthanbecause

ofguiltorremorse.However,inthelongtermifyourteenagerdoesn’tfeelguiltyorashamedaboutthestealingtheymaycarryon,butgetbetteraboutconcealingit.Ifthepunishmentdoesn’tfeel‘fair’,yourteenagerwillprobablystopfeelingbadaboutwhattheydid,andjustfeelasimmeringresentmenttowardsyou.Teenagerssometimesstealbecausetheyfeeldisconnectedfromparents.Iftheyseeyouasthelawenforceror‘punisher’itislikelytocreatemoreofawedgebetweenyou.

• It’simportantyourteenagermakesamendsbyreturningthestolenmoneyoritems.

Oneofthebestwaysyourteenagercanmakeamendsistoapologisetothevictimandaskifthereisanythingelsetheycandotomakeupforstealingfromthem.Thefirsttimeateenagersteals,itissometimesgoodtoallowthemtokeeptheirgoodreputationandhaveasecondchance.However,ifyouexplainthatiftheyareevercaughtstealingagain,theywillneedtoreturntheitemandapologiseinperson,theywillbechoosingthisconsequenceiftheycontinuetosteal.

• Effectively,youwantyourteenagertofeelbadinside.Youwantthemtofeelashamed,takeresponsibility,makeupforwhattheydidandaccepttheconsequences.

Fivestepstodealwiththestealing.Therearefivethingsyouwillneedtodototacklethestealingthefirsttimeyoucatchyoursonordaughter.

1. YourteenagerneedstoadmitthemistakeYourteenagerneedstoadmittheywereatfault,andthattheymadeamistake.

2. ReturnstolenmoneyoritemsYourteenagershouldneverbeallowedtokeepthethingtheystole.orbenefitfromstealing.Iftheitemwasanonlinegame,itshouldbedeletedfromyourteenager’sdevice.Yourteenagershouldreturnallthestolenmoneyoritemstothevictim.Asthisisthefirsttimetheyhavebeencaught,theycanchoosetoreturnitinanonymouslyiftheywish.Sometimesthefirsttimeateenageriscaughtitisgoodtoallowthemtopreservetheirgoodreputation.Noonelikestobehumiliated.Everyonelikestoreceiveasecondchance.Itemscanbereturnedbyputtingthemback,orperhapssendingtheminthepost.Postingstolenitemsmaybeveryrelevantforshopswhoprosecutesfirsttimeoffendersforstealing.However,impressonyourteenagerthatifyoueverfindtheyhavestolensomethingagain,theywillneedtoreturntheitemandapologisedirectlytothevictim.

3. EarnmoneytoreplacestolenitemsIfthestolenitemhasbeenlostorbroken,oryourteenagerhasspentthemoney,theyneedtopayforthe

itemfromsavings,bysellingtheirstuff,orbydoingjobsaroundthehometoreturnthefullvalueoftheitem.Beverypedanticaboutthenumberofhoursyourteenagerhastoworktoearnthemoney.Ifthisishundredsofhours,thenstickwithit.Evenifthiswilltakeawholeyear.Decideonarateofpaysuitableforateenager.Checkwhatthe‘minimumwage’isfora21-year-oldandroughlyhalveit.Yourteenagercandoarangeofjobs(seelistattheendofthisguide)toearnthemoneytopayback.Ifyoucan’taffordtopayyourteenagerforthejobs,asktrustedrelatives,friendsandneighboursiftheyarewillingtopayyourteenagertoworkforthem.Justexplainthatyourteenagerisworkingtopaybacksomemoneyhe/sheowesyou.Whenthemoneyhasbeenearned,itistobeusedtopaybackthevictimthefullvalueoftheitemormoneythatwasstolen.

4. 15hoursofjobsalongsideyouInaddition,yourteenagershoulddo15hoursofhousework,alongsideyou,tomakeupforthehurttheycausedbystealinginthefirstplace.However,thistimethehouseworkshouldbedonewithyou,alongsideyou,notontheirown.Choosejobsyoucandotogether.Duringthetimetheyareworking,don’tmentionthestealing.Talkaboutschool,theirfriends,theirinterestsortheirlives.Thisisatimeforreconnection,notatimeforlecturesorpreaching.

5. Understandtheconsequencesiftheystealagain.Yourteenagerneedstounderstandthatiftheychoosetostealagain,therewillbemuchmoreseriousconsequencesthenexttime.• Theywillneedtoreturnanythingtheyhavestolen• Theywillneedtoapologisetothevictiminpersonandaskhowtheycanmakeamends.• Theywillneedtodo30hoursofhouseworkwithyou.• Youwillcallthepolice.

Trustiseasilylostandhardtoregain.Explainthatitwilltakealottoearnbackthetrustthey’velosttoday.Everytimesomethinggoesmissinginthecomingmonths,you’regoingtothinktheyhavetakenit.Whatifthisisn’tthefirsttime?Ifyourteenagerhasstolenthingsbefore,butyouhaven’twarnedthemoftheconsequences,itisprobablybesttotreatthisasthefirstincidenceofstealing.DealwithitasIhaveoutlinedabove,butwarnyourteenager,veryclearly,whattheconsequenceswillbenexttime.IfyourteenagereverstealssomethingagainIfyoudiscoveranitemthatyourteenagerhasstolen,thatwasn’tadmittedthefirsttimeyoucaughtthem,thenyouneedtotakemoredrasticstepstostopthemstealing.

1. YourteenagershouldreturntheitemandapologiseinpersonYourteenagershouldapologise,inperson,totheindividualorshoptheytookthingsfrom.Asthisisthesecondtimetheyhavestolensomething,yourteenagerhaschosentheseconsequences.Ifyoutrytoprotectyourteenager’sreputationtheymaycontinuetostealforyearstocome.Thisisaveryimportantstepifyouwantyourteenagertostop.

2. Yourteenagershouldaskhowtheycanmakeamends

Yourteenagershouldmakeamends–returnALLthemoneyandaskiftheycandoanythingelsetomakeup.

3. Yourteenagershoulddo30hoursofhouseworkwithyouInsistthatyourteenagerdoes30hours’houseworkalongsideyou.

4. YoushouldcallthePolice.Ifyoudodiscoveryourteenagerhasbeenstealingasecondtime,ringthepolice,andaskifacommunitysupportpoliceofficercancomeandspeaktoyourteenagertotrytopreventthemstealingagain.Explainthatthisisthesecondtimetheyhavestolensomething.Asktheofficertoexplaintoyourteenagerwhatwouldhappenifanyonedecidestopresschargesorwhatwouldhappeniftheywerecaughtstealingfromashop.Youknowyourteenagerbest.Someteenagersmayneedtogothroughtheprocessofbeingarrestedtorealisewhatcouldhappen.Thismayprovidethe‘shockfactor’youneedtostopyourteenagerstealinginthefuture.

Part2.ActuallyhavingtheconversationThissectioncontainsscriptstoadaptwhenyouconfrontyourteenageraboutstealingEverysituationwithateenagerstealingisdifferent.Youmayliketousethefollowingscriptsandadaptthemforusewithyourteenagerandthesituationyouaredealingwith.Manyparentsfinditusefultowritedowntheexactscripttheywanttousewiththeirteenager.Thewayyousaythings,andthewordsyouusecanhaveabigimpact.Chooseyourwordswisely,andpracticesayingthem,untilyoufeelconfidentthatyoucantalktoyourteenagerinafirm,constructiveway,andsaytherightwords,withoutlosingyourtemper.IfyouhaveevidenceLetyourteenagerknowitwillbeatrickyconversation

Iwanttotalktoyouaboutsomethingserious.Isnowagoodtime?

Statethefacts.Tentativelysuggestyourconclusion.Askyourteenagerwhattheythink.

‘£60hasgonemissingfrommypurse.’(fact.)‘Thismorning,Iwasmakingyourbed,andfound£60underthemattress.’(fact.)‘Itlooksasifyoutookthemoneyfrommypurse,andhiditunderyourmattress.’(Tentativeconclusion.)Isthatwhathappened?

Expectyourteenagertolie–ortrytogiveyouaplausibleexcuse.

Thatdoesn’tseemlikely.Haveathinkforamoment.Areyoubraveenoughtotellmewhatreallyhappened?Ifyouinsistthatistrue,Iwillwantanadulttoverifywhatyou’resaying.Haveathinkandletmeknowifthat’swhatyouwantmetodo.Iwon’tbecallingyourfriend.I’llwanttospeaktohis/hermum/dad.

Findoutifthey’vetakenanythingelseExplainwhattheconsequencesaretoday.Askyourteenagertolisten,whileyouexplainwhatwillhappeniftheyeverstealagain.

I’mgoingtotakethe£60back.Iwillalsoexpectyoutodo15hoursworkwithme,forfree,tomakeupfortheupsetanddistressyou’vecausedbystealing.Youhavebrokenmytrustinyou.Ifyoutellmeaboutanythingelseyou’vetakentoday,youwillstillonlyneedtodo15hoursofjobswithme.Ifyoustealanythinginthefuture,therewillbemoresevereconsequences.I’llexplainthatinaminute.However,Iwanttoaskyouaquestion.Pleasecanyoujustlistenforamoment?WaittillI’vefinishedthengivemeyouranswer.

Tellthemthatyouwanttoknowaboutanythingelsetheyhavetaken.

Inaminute,I’mgoingtoaskifyouhavestolenanythingelse.

Explainthebenefitoftellingyouabout Ifyoutellmeaboutanythingelsetoday,we’llincludeitinthe

anythingelsetheyhavestolen. 15hours,andIwon’tcallthepolice.Explainwhattheconsequenceswillbeifyoufindyourteenagerhasstolensomethinginthefuture.

IfIfindanythingelsethatyou’vestolen,inthefuture,Iwillassumeyouhavestolenitafterourconversationtoday.Nowisyourchancetocomeclean.Ifyoudostealanythingelsetheconsequenceswillbebigger.• You’llneedtoreturnanythingyoustealinpersonand

apologise.• I’llexpectyoutodo30hoursofhouseworkwithme.• Iwillalsogetthepoliceinvolved.

Explainwhattheconsequenceswillbetoday. Today,ifyoutellmeaboutsomethingyou’vealreadystolen,I’llexpectyoutoreturnit,orgivetheownerthereplacementcostinmoney.Youcantakethatoutofyoursavings,sellyourstufforyoucanearnit.Youcandojobsaroundthehouseat£xanhour.(Researchwhattheadultminimumwageis,andhalveit,tocalculatetheamountperhouryourteenagercanearn.)Youcandothatinperson,orwecansendtheitemormoneyanonymously.

Askthemiftheyhavestolenanythingelse. Now’sthetimetobehonest.Whatelsehaveyoustolen?(Iftheydenythey’vestolenbefore,presstheissue.)£60isalotofmoneytotakefirsttime.Themostcommonreactiontobeingcaughtistolieaboutit.However,sometimeswhenpeoplestarttakingthings,andaren’tcaughtstraightaway,itcanbecomeabitofahabit.Haveathink.

• Haveyoustolenanymoneybeforethis?• Haveyoutakenanythingfromsomeoneinthefamily,

afriendorsomeoneatschool?Haveyoutakenanythingfromashop?

• Haveyoupaidforanythingonline,withoutasking,usingmycreditcard?

Doyouwantabitoftimetothink?BecauseifIdiscoveranythingelse,I’mgoingtohavetotakeitmuchmoreseriously,andgetthepoliceinvolved.

Recognisethey’llhavebeenworriedaboutit Iknowthattakingthingswillhaveworriedyou.You’reagoodteenager.Youprobablyrealiseditwaswrong,butyoudidn’tknowhowtostopit.Todaywe’regoingtogetitsorted.ButIneedyoutobehonestwithmenow.

Wouldtheyfinditeasiertowriteitdown? Youmightfinditeasiertowriteitdown.I’mgoingtogiveyouasheetofpaperandapen.I’dlikeyoutogotothekitchenandwritedowneverythingyou’vetakenwithoutasking.I’llgiveyoutenminutes,thenI’llcomebackinandthenwe’llgothroughthelist.

Keepgoing. I’mgivingyouachancetoownupnow.Iknowthatyou’renotbad.We’llgetthissorted,butIwanttoknowifthere’sanythingelse.I’llbemuchmoredisappointedifyoudon’ttellmenowandIfindoutthingslater.Soareyoureadytotellmewhatelseyou’vetaken?

Tellthemthisistheirchancetocomeclean. Iknowyou’reupsetthatyou’vebeencaught.It’simportanttobetruthfulnow.

Idon’twanttofindoutlateronthatyou’vetakenotherstuffandhaven’ttoldmetoday.

Explaintheremaybemuchharsherconsequencesiftheydon’tadmittosomethingthey’vetaken,andyoufindoutaboutitlater.

Asaparent,Ineedtohelpyoutostoptakingthingsthatdon’tbelongtoyou.Stealingcanbeahardhabittobreak.TodayIwanttoknowabouteverythingyou’veevertaken.Ifyouevertakesomethingthatdoesn’tbelongtoyouagain,becauseIhaven’tmanagedtogetyoutostoptoday,Iwillinvolvethepolice.Ineedyoutoknowthatstealingisn’tacceptable.Ithastostopnow.Ifyoudon’tadmittotakingsomethingnow,andlateronIfindsomethingthatdoesn’tbelongtoyou,I’llhavetoassumethatyou’vetakenitsinceourconversationtoday.Andgetthepoliceinvolved.Idon’twanttoinvolvethepolicetoday,togiveyouachancetosortyourselfout.Howeverifyoutakeanythinginthefuture,itwouldmeanyoucan’tstopyourself.Andneedsomeoutsidehelp.I’dratherinvolvethepolicemyself,thanyoubearrestedforshoplifting.Nowisyourchancetocomecleanaboutanythingyou’vetaken.Whatelsedoyouwanttotellmeabout?

Don’tletthembenefitfromstealing.Ifyourteenagerconfessestostealinganythingelse,askthemtofetchtheitem,nametheamountofmoneythey’vestolen,oriftheynolongerhavetheitem,tosayhowmuchtheythinktheitemwasworth.Confiscateanyitemthathasbeenstolen.Removeanygamefromtheircomputerthatwasdownloadedwithoutpermission.

Canyougoandfetchthat?(Iftheyhaven’tstillgotit)–Howmuchwasitworth?

TalkaboutyourexpectationsTellthemwhatyouexpect Iexpectyoutoearnmoneyifyouwanttobuyanything

Iexpectyoutounderstandthattakingthingswithoutaskingiswrong.

Saythingsinaneutralway.Ifyoucriticise,blame,judgeandcallyourteenagerathief,theymaynotfeelsafeowningup.Insteadexplainthatyourealisetheymadeamistake,butoutlinetheconsequencesofstealing.Startsentenceswith‘Ifeel…’ratherthan‘you…’or‘youare….’

Takingthingswithoutpermissionwillcausepeopletoloserespectforyou,nottrustyouinthefutureandcouldgetyouintotroublewiththelaw.Iknowyou’reagoodteenager.Whatyoudidwasamistake,butit’samistakethatyoucan’taffordtorepeat.Ifeelreallyhurtanddisappointedthatyouchosetotakethingswithoutasking.

ExpectyourteenagertomakeamendsRecognisethatyourteenagerwouldprefertoprotecttheirreputation.Thefirsttimetheysteal,letthemjustreturn

Thistime,I’dlikeyoutomakeamendsbyreturningwhatyou’vestolenanddoing15hours’houseworkwithme.Nexttime,althoughit’shardtoconfesstomakingamistake,

theitemormoney.Butinsistthat,thesecondtime,apologisingtothevictimandmakingamendswillbeessential.

it’simportantthatwedealwithitinawaythatwillhelpyoutostop.Ifyoustealsomethingagain,you’llneedtoreturnwhatyou’vestolen,apologiseandaskhowthepersonwouldlikeyoutomakeupforthestealing.Plus,do30hours’housework.I’llalsocallthepolice.

Insisttheynotonlyrepaythemoneytheystole,butdo15hoursworktomakeupforthestressthey’vecaused.

Iamgoingtotakethe£60ANDIwillexpectyoutodo15hours’houseworkwithme.Afterthat,topaybackforthingsyou’vestolen,Iwantyoutodojobsaroundthehouseat£4anhour,untilyou’veearnedallthemoney.Here’salist–youcanchoosewhichonesyoustartwith.

Tellthemhowyouexpectthemtodothis. Iwillexpectyoutoworkatleastonehouraday(or30minutesadayfor30days)-that’s15hoursthatyou’llworkforfree.We’lluseatimersoyou’llknowwhenthetimeisupeachday.

Tellthemhowtheycanearnmoneyinfuture Afteryouhavepaideverythingback,ifyouwantmoney,youcancarryonearningat£4anhourtopayforthethingsyouwant.

Explainyoulovethem,butcannolongertrustthem.Theywillneedtoearnyourtrust.

Istillloveyouverymuch.I’msadthatyoutookmoneywithoutasking.Itisgoingtotakeawhileformetotrustyouagain.ButIknowyou’lllearnfromthis.

Ifyoucan,findoutwhythey’vebeenstealingIfyoucan,trytogettothebottomofwhytheystole.

‘Iknowyouknowitwasthewrongthingtodo.Canyoutellmewhyyoutookthemoney?Usuallywhenteenager’sstealfromsomeonetheylovethey’refeelingbadaboutsomething.Isthereanyreasonthatyoucanthinkof?

Beunderstanding Thankyoufortellingmethat.It’soktofeelfedup/jealous/annoyed.Lateronwe’llsitdownandseeifwecansortouthowtodealwiththat.

Whatifyoufoundawholestashofthingsthathavebeenstolen?Don’task‘didyoutakex?’andcatchthemoutinalie.Instead• Explainthefacts.• Tellyourteenagerwhatyouconcluded.• Askforanexplanation.

Ihavenoticedthatrecently,thingsaroundthehousehavebeengoingmissing.(fact)Ihavebeenworriedthatsomeonehasbeenstealingthings.WhenIwasinyourroomIdecidedtocheckinthetopofyourwardrobeandfoundthese.Yoursister’siPod,awholelotofmoney,atiepinofyourDad’sandacoupleofDVD’sthatI’veneverseenbefore.(fact)Ibelieveyoumayhavetakenthem.(Tentativeconclusion)Pleasecouldyouexplainwhythey’rethere?

Reassurethemyouwillhelpthembreakthestealinghabit.

Iknowyouknowthatitwaswrongtotakethemwithoutasking.Youmusthavebeenfeelingbadaboutit,eventhoughyoumusthavejustifiedittoyourself.Nowit’soutintheopen,Irealisethattakingthingshasbecomeabitofahabit.I’mgoingtohelpmakesureitstopstoday.

SeeiftheycanidentifywithhowitfeelsHowwouldtheyfeelifsomeonestolefromthem?

Imagineyou’vejustdiscoveredthatallthemoneyinyourpurseormoneyjarhadbeenstolen.Howwouldyoufeel?

Whatwouldyouwanttosaytothepersonwhohadstolenfromyou?

Whatifyourteenagerhasbeenshoplifting?Explainthefacts,Tellyourteenagerwhatyouthinkmayhavehappened.Askfortheirexplanation.

Sam,IfoundthisPlayStationgameinyourwardrobe.(Fact)Irememberyouwerelookingatthisgameintheshopearliertoday.ButIdidn’tseeyoupayforitatthecheckout.(Fact)I’mwonderingifyoutookitwithoutpayingforit?(Tentativeconclusion)Couldyouexplainwhyit’sthere?

Ifyourteenagerhasstolenit,letthemknowthey’llneedtoreturnittotheshoporpayforit.

Sam,thatisshoplifting.Weneedtotalkabouthowyou’regoingtoreturnit.Youcaneithertakeitback,explaintotheshopwhatyoudidandapologise,oryoucanwriteanoteandpostitbacktotheshop.Whatwouldyouprefertodo?Youwillalsoneedtodo15hoursofworkwithme,tomakeupforyourlackofgoodjudgement.Ifyouevertakesomethingfromashop,orfromanyoneelseinthefuture,youwillneedtoreturnitandapologiseinperson.Iftheshopkeeperdecidestoprosecuteyouforshoplifting,thatwillbeyou’retheriskyou’lltake.Youwillalsoneedtodo30hours’housework,withme,tomakeupforthestressitwillcause.However,I’mhopingthatthiswillstoptoday,andyouwon’tstealagain.

Ifyoueverfindthatyourteenagerhastakensomethingfromashopasecondtime,planhowandwhentoreturnwiththemtotheshop.

Sam,asthisisthesecondtimeyou’vetakensomethingfromashop,I’mgoingtocomewithyousoyoucanreturnitandapologise.Ididexplaintherewillbeotherconsequences.1. I’dlikeyoutodo30hoursofjobstomakeupforyourlack

ofjudgement.2. I’llcomewithyoutotakeitbacktotheshop.

Youmayliketocallanonymouslyandasktotalktothemanager.Explainwhathashappened.Askwhatwillhappenwhenyoubringyourteenagertoreturnthestolenitem.Ifthepolicyoftheshopistoprosecutefirsttimeoffenders,atleastyouwillknow.It’suptoyouifyouwanttoavoidyourteenagerbeingprosecuted.Agreeatimewhenyou’llbringyourteenagerin.Askthemanagertotalktoyourteenagerabouttheseriousnessofstealing,andaboutthecostofshopliftingtothemasaretailer.

3. ‘Whenwegobacktotheshop,youmayhearsomethingsyoudon’tlike.Youneedtolistentotheshop-owner,andacknowledgewhattheysay.It’simportanttoapologise.TheshopkeepermaynotbeasunderstandingasIam.’

4. Attheagreedtime,takeyourteenagerintoseethemanagertoreturnanyitemthey’vetakenorpayfortheitem.

5. Aftertheyhavereturnedtheitemtotheshop,tellyourteenager:‘I’mpleasedthatyoutookresponsibilityforwhatyoudid.Ihopeyouwon’tevermakethesamemistakeagain.Makesureyoutellyourteenager:IstillloveyouandIforgiveyouThematterisnowover.’

JobsyourteenagercandotomakeamendsItisimperativethatyourteenagerpaysbackeverypennyofthemoneythattheystole,ortheequivalentvalueofitemstheystole.Workoutwhatjobsyourteenagercando,andofferthemthegoingrateofpayforateenager.Youcanalsoagreeasetratewithneighboursandfamilyforjobsyourteenagercando.(Theydon’thavetoknowwherethemoneyisgoing-yourteenagerwillwanttopreservetheirreputationasagoodteenager.Andyoudon’tneedtoaffectthat-unlessyourteenagerhasstolenanythingfromthem!)Thesejobsareinadditiontokeepingtheirbedroomscleanandtidy–Andclearinguptheirmess.Thatisjustexpected!Hereisalistofjobstogetyoustarted:Jobsteenagerscando:CleardownstairsroomsDustVacuumPolishsilver/orbrassSortbooksandmagazinesChangesheets/bedlinenEmptywastebasketsTakeoutbinsCleartableWeedthegardenRakeleavesMowthelawnWaterflowerbedsWaterindoorplantsUnloadandloadthedishwasherWashthedishesSortlaundrySweepfloorsSetandcleartablePutawaygroceries

HelpmakedinnerWashtableandside-countersaftermealsWashwallsWashskirtingboardsandwhite-paintedwoodworkWash,dryandfoldlaundryandputclothesawayIronclothesSewbuttonsMendclothesMakebreakfastPeelvegetablesCooksimplemealsforthewholefamilyMopfloorTakeapetforawalkCleanpetarea/CareforpetsCleanbathroomWashwindowsWashcarBabysityoungersiblingsBabysitforfriendsorrelatives(ifoldenough)CleankitchenCleanoven

Jobsyourteenagercoulddoalongsideyoufor15hoursSortoutthegarageSpringcleanthehouseSortouttheloftHoldatabletopsaleforunwanteditemsCleardownstairsroomsDustVacuumMakebedsCleartableWeedthegardenRakeleavesUnloadandloadthedishwasher

WashthedishesSortlaundrySetandcleartablePutawaygroceriesHelpprepareandcookmealsWashtableandside-countersaftermealsWashwallsWashskirtingboardsandwhite-paintedwoodworkWash,dryandfoldlaundryandputclothesawayMendclothesMakebreakfastPeelvegetables

TakeapetforawalkCleanpetarea/CareforpetsCleanbathroom

WashwindowsWashcarCleankitchen

FurtherHelpandSupportTherearesomeveryeffectivetechniquesoutlinedinthisguidetohelpyoutostopyourteenagerfromstealing.Youmayfindthatthisguidealoneissufficient.However,sometimesthestealingmayhavebuiltupoveralongtime,andcanbedifficulttoresolve.Ifyoudoyourbesttoputintopracticethetechniquesoutlinedinthisguide,buttheydon’tsolvetheproblem,youmayneedadditionalhelp.Manyparentswhostruggletostoptheirteenagerstealing,finditusefultocallmeanddiscusssolutionswithaparentingspecialist.Inmyhour-long‘FixitFriday’Session,we’lldiscussyoursituationandI’lltalkyouthroughanactionplantohelpyousolveit.Tobookyour‘FixitFriday’Session,pleaseclickhereandselecta60-minutesessionatatimetosuityou.Orusethefollowinglink:http://parent4success.com/fix-it-friday-booking/