Post on 29-Mar-2015
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ACT With Love
Russ Harris
ACT World Conference
July 2009
www.act-with-love.com
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The Aim Of ACT
Cultivate Psychological Flexibility: Be Present Open Up Do What Matters
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The Essence Of ACT
ACT= LOVE Letting go Opening up Valuing Engaging
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ACT In A Nutshell
PsychologicalFlexibility
Be present, Open upDo what matters
The Present MomentBe Here Now
DefusionWatch Your Thinking
AcceptanceOpen Up
ValuesKnow What Matters
Committed ActionDo What It Takes
Self-as-contextPure Awareness
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Be Present
Psychological Flexibility
Open UpDo What Matters
Defus
ion
Cont
act W
ith th
e
Pres
ent M
omen
t
Self-as-Context
Comm
itted Action
ValuesAcceptance
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2 Nifty Acronyms
How to DRAIN the vitality from a relationship:
Disconnection Reactivity Avoidance Inside-your-mind Neglecting values
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2 Nifty Acronyms
How to increase the vitality in a relationship:
Letting go Opening up Valuing Engaging
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Taking A History
What’s the problem?
-Can you tell me about a recent event that represents the main issue(s)?
-What have you tried so far to fix this? How did it work? What has it cost?
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Taking A History
Relationship history: how did you meet, what attracted you, wedding day etc.
What do you appreciate in your relationship & your partner, currently?
What did you appreciate in your relationship & your partner back then?
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Taking A History
On a scale of 1-10, how much work are you willing to do to improve the relationship?
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Stay or leave?
Assess pros & cons of each Have you given it your best shot? Whichever option you choose, you’ll need to
make room for anxiety, doubt, worry etc Sitting on the fence metaphor Live by your values, whether you stay or
leave
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Taking A History
Validate each partner’s pain
Facilitate compassion: What does it feel like for you when he/she does that?
Model factual description versus judgment & criticism
‘Differences versus defects’ (Jacobson, ICBT)
Draw out values wherever possible
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Acceptance & Change
Each partner typically starts from this: You need to change … …but accept me as I am! How does it feel to be looked at as a
‘problem’? Think of everything that’s wrong with your
partner. Now imagine someone saying this to you!
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6 Things Each Partner Can Do
1. Stop acting in ways that make it worse
2. Clarify and act on your values: be more like the partner you ideally want to be
3. Accept what is out of your control
4. Notice & reward behavior you like
5. Facilitate change via effective negotiation & communication skills
6. Create rituals to cultivate affection, warmth, fun, sensuality, sexuality, intimacy etc.
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6 Things Each Partner Can Do
The best outcome is likely if both partners do these things.
No two partners will do these things to the same extent.
Most approaches focus heavily on 4,5 & 6 (trying to influence your partner’s behavior)
In ACT, we focus first and foremost on 1,2 & 3
Why?
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6 Things Each Partner Can Do
1,2 & 3 are more empowering; you can apply them regardless of what your partner does.
The Paradox: If you live by your values, stop trying to change your partner, and instead practice acceptance … often your partner will make positive changes spontaneously!
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Taking A History
What sort of partner do you want to be?What sort of relationship do you want to build?
- Magic wand- Visualize: self as ideal partner vs self as
reactive partner – reflect & share- 10 yr anniversary– partner gives a speech- Valued living questionnaire- Share values
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Typical Core Values
Connection Caring Contribution
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Values to Goals
What’s a small step you can take?
What’s a little thing you could do?
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Values to Goals
If your partner actually does that, what difference would it make to you?
How will you let them know that?
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Values to Goals
If client makes positive changes: What was that like for you? What happened to your relationship as a
result? What’s another little step you can take?
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Values to Goals
If client doesn’t make positive changes: What was that like for you? What happened to your relationship as a
result? What got in the way?
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The Barriers to change: F.E.A.R.
Official ACT version:
Fusion
Evaluation
Avoidance
Reason-giving
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The Barriers to change: F.E.A.R.
Alternative version:
Fusion
Excessive goals
Avoidance
Remoteness from values
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The Antidote to FEAR is DARE
Defusion
Acceptance
Realistic goals
Embrace values
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Key Issues
4 approaches to any problem situation
1. Leave
2. Stay & Change what can be changed
3. Stay & Accept what can’t be changed & live by your values
4. Stay & Give up & do stuff that makes it worse
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Key Issues
Behavior change 101:
What’s in your control, and what’s not?
Carrot versus stick
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Key Issues
Communication 101:
Ask clearly for what you want, (and explain why)
Express clearly what you don’t want, (and why)
Boundaries & consequences
As you do this, be the partner you want to be!
Facilitate compassion: openness & vulnerability
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Key Issues
Facilitate compassion: openness & vulnerability
Create meaningful rituals
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Key Issues
ACCEPTANCE
On a journey of love, you will soon encounter pain
Can you make room for both?
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Key Issues
ACCEPTANCE Observe: Breathe: Allow I notice I’m feeling x I’m having the thought that .. Get present; ground yourself If necessary leave the situation If you do leave the situation, practice
mindfulness & acceptance (practice letting go of unhelpful stories)
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Key Issues
Once grounded, ask yourself What sort of partner do I want to be? What
are my values here? If I could be that ideal partner, I would
respond by doing … Then take action, guided by those values Visualize/write/rehearse those responses
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Key Issues
In other words: Be present, open up & do what matters!
This is an act of … Letting go Opening up Valuing Engaging
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Key Issues
CONFLICT Stop arguments in session Do mindfulness then and there What’s your body doing? Breathe into it. What’s your mind saying? Name it. Always come back to workability: What sort of
things do you say & do when this happens? How does that work in the short term? Does it help your relationship in the long term?
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Key Issues
CONFLICT What judgments does your mind make
about him/her? What happens if you buy those judgments? I’m making the judgment that .. Naming the story; putting it on a card
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Key Issues
CONFLICT Being right versus being loving I’m right; you’re wrong
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Key Issues
CONFLICT Distinguish values from rules What are your rules? What are your partner’s rules? Where did these rules come from? What happens when you fuse with them?
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Key Issues
CONFLICT :
Defusion of Rigid rules Expect them Notice them Name them
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Key Issues
CONFLICT Discuss inevitability Increase awareness of triggers Increase acceptance Be wary of simple solutions ! For many issues there is no simple solution:
can that be accepted? Learn to discuss difficult issues with
mindfulness and compassion
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Key Issues
CONFLICT ‘Pet arguments’ Name your stories Being right versus being loving ‘But’ vs ‘And’ Anger management if necessary (really
conflict management: managing action not emotion!)
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Key Issues
CONFLICT Repair attempts What’s the tiniest step you could take that
might repair some of the damage? Acknowledge & accept repair attempts (John
Gottman: 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work)
Turn conflict into compassion. How? Vulnerability and openness
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Key Issues
REFRAMING PROBLEMS How can I grow from this? What can I learn from this? Imagine your partner is a personal trainer or
life coach that you have hired to help you grow: what skills can you learn, what strengths can you develop, as a result of your sessions?
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Key Issues
THE PERFECT PARTNER Do they exist? Do you always act the way you expect
yourself to act? The Perfect Partner Story
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Key Issues
CHANGING BEHAVIOR Willingness to change, versus wanting to
change Facilitate willingness through values Distinguish values-driven change from:
resentful change/ guilt-induced change/ trying to ‘keep her happy’/ trying to ‘put up with him’
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Key Issues
CHANGING BEHAVIOR
Identify barriers: FEAR Discuss inevitability of ‘relapse’ When your partner screws up, how will you
respond? When you screw up, how will you respond?
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Key Issues
LOVE Distinguish the action of love from the feeling
of love Magic wand
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Key Issues
INTIMACY Be present Share valued activities Practice connection Facilitate acceptance of vulnerability/anxiety Applies to psychological, emotional and
physical intimacy ‘Eyes on’
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Key Issues
SELF-COMPASSION 3 key components (Neff, K.D. 2003) Mindfulness Kindness Commonality
COMPASSION FOR YOUR PARTNER Facilitate through cultivating vulnerability &
openness
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Key Issues
FORGIVENESS
Give yourself what was there before Do it for yourself Anger & resentment – costs of fusion Respond with mindfulness Not just about ‘letting go’! The aim is to let it come, let it stay and let it
go - ‘as it pleases’
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Key Issues
FORGIVENESS RITUALEach partner writes:-The thoughts, feelings/ memories I’ve been
holding on to are …How holding on has hurt me & our relationship:Commitment to letting all this old stuff come and
go without holding on to itChoose a special place, read it out, do
something symbolic (eg burn it & scatter the ashes) then do something to connect lovingly
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Key Issues
TRUST
Distinguish the action of trust from the ‘feeling’ of trust (not a true ‘feeling’ as such; more a ‘sense’ – strong cognitive component)
No control over ‘feelings’ of trust – only over the actions.
Balance values around trust with values around self-protection
Mindful trust versus blind trust
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Key Issues
WHAT BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE?
Follow all legal obligations & be transparent about it.
After that, it is up to the client to decide. The extreme case: domestic violence. You can share your feelings, in a defused,
open, accepting, non-judgmental manner - but do not try to enforce your beliefs on the client.
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Key Issues
WHAT BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE?
Deal with your own stuff. Focus on building the therapeutic relationship
and making a safe space for the client. Help them increase their psychological
flexibility. Then let them choose for themselves.