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ACT With Love

Russ Harris

ACT World Conference

July 2009

www.act-with-love.com

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The Aim Of ACT

Cultivate Psychological Flexibility: Be Present Open Up Do What Matters

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The Essence Of ACT

ACT= LOVE Letting go Opening up Valuing Engaging

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ACT In A Nutshell

PsychologicalFlexibility

Be present, Open upDo what matters

The Present MomentBe Here Now

DefusionWatch Your Thinking

AcceptanceOpen Up

ValuesKnow What Matters

Committed ActionDo What It Takes

Self-as-contextPure Awareness

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Be Present

Psychological Flexibility

Open UpDo What Matters

Defus

ion

Cont

act W

ith th

e

Pres

ent M

omen

t

Self-as-Context

Comm

itted Action

ValuesAcceptance

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2 Nifty Acronyms

How to DRAIN the vitality from a relationship:

Disconnection Reactivity Avoidance Inside-your-mind Neglecting values

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2 Nifty Acronyms

How to increase the vitality in a relationship:

Letting go Opening up Valuing Engaging

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Taking A History

What’s the problem?

-Can you tell me about a recent event that represents the main issue(s)?

-What have you tried so far to fix this? How did it work? What has it cost?

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Taking A History

Relationship history: how did you meet, what attracted you, wedding day etc.

What do you appreciate in your relationship & your partner, currently?

What did you appreciate in your relationship & your partner back then?

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Taking A History

On a scale of 1-10, how much work are you willing to do to improve the relationship?

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Stay or leave?

Assess pros & cons of each Have you given it your best shot? Whichever option you choose, you’ll need to

make room for anxiety, doubt, worry etc Sitting on the fence metaphor Live by your values, whether you stay or

leave

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Taking A History

Validate each partner’s pain

Facilitate compassion: What does it feel like for you when he/she does that?

Model factual description versus judgment & criticism

‘Differences versus defects’ (Jacobson, ICBT)

Draw out values wherever possible

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Acceptance & Change

Each partner typically starts from this: You need to change … …but accept me as I am! How does it feel to be looked at as a

‘problem’? Think of everything that’s wrong with your

partner. Now imagine someone saying this to you!

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6 Things Each Partner Can Do

1. Stop acting in ways that make it worse

2. Clarify and act on your values: be more like the partner you ideally want to be

3. Accept what is out of your control

4. Notice & reward behavior you like

5. Facilitate change via effective negotiation & communication skills

6. Create rituals to cultivate affection, warmth, fun, sensuality, sexuality, intimacy etc.

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6 Things Each Partner Can Do

The best outcome is likely if both partners do these things.

No two partners will do these things to the same extent.

Most approaches focus heavily on 4,5 & 6 (trying to influence your partner’s behavior)

In ACT, we focus first and foremost on 1,2 & 3

Why?

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6 Things Each Partner Can Do

1,2 & 3 are more empowering; you can apply them regardless of what your partner does.

The Paradox: If you live by your values, stop trying to change your partner, and instead practice acceptance … often your partner will make positive changes spontaneously!

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Taking A History

What sort of partner do you want to be?What sort of relationship do you want to build?

- Magic wand- Visualize: self as ideal partner vs self as

reactive partner – reflect & share- 10 yr anniversary– partner gives a speech- Valued living questionnaire- Share values

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Typical Core Values

Connection Caring Contribution

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Values to Goals

What’s a small step you can take?

What’s a little thing you could do?

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Values to Goals

If your partner actually does that, what difference would it make to you?

How will you let them know that?

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Values to Goals

If client makes positive changes: What was that like for you? What happened to your relationship as a

result? What’s another little step you can take?

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Values to Goals

If client doesn’t make positive changes: What was that like for you? What happened to your relationship as a

result? What got in the way?

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The Barriers to change: F.E.A.R.

Official ACT version:

Fusion

Evaluation

Avoidance

Reason-giving

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The Barriers to change: F.E.A.R.

Alternative version:

Fusion

Excessive goals

Avoidance

Remoteness from values

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The Antidote to FEAR is DARE

Defusion

Acceptance

Realistic goals

Embrace values

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Key Issues

4 approaches to any problem situation

1. Leave

2. Stay & Change what can be changed

3. Stay & Accept what can’t be changed & live by your values

4. Stay & Give up & do stuff that makes it worse

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Key Issues

Behavior change 101:

What’s in your control, and what’s not?

Carrot versus stick

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Key Issues

Communication 101:

Ask clearly for what you want, (and explain why)

Express clearly what you don’t want, (and why)

Boundaries & consequences

As you do this, be the partner you want to be!

Facilitate compassion: openness & vulnerability

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Key Issues

Facilitate compassion: openness & vulnerability

Create meaningful rituals

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Key Issues

ACCEPTANCE

On a journey of love, you will soon encounter pain

Can you make room for both?

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Key Issues

ACCEPTANCE Observe: Breathe: Allow I notice I’m feeling x I’m having the thought that .. Get present; ground yourself If necessary leave the situation If you do leave the situation, practice

mindfulness & acceptance (practice letting go of unhelpful stories)

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Key Issues

Once grounded, ask yourself What sort of partner do I want to be? What

are my values here? If I could be that ideal partner, I would

respond by doing … Then take action, guided by those values Visualize/write/rehearse those responses

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Key Issues

In other words: Be present, open up & do what matters!

This is an act of … Letting go Opening up Valuing Engaging

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Key Issues

CONFLICT Stop arguments in session Do mindfulness then and there What’s your body doing? Breathe into it. What’s your mind saying? Name it. Always come back to workability: What sort of

things do you say & do when this happens? How does that work in the short term? Does it help your relationship in the long term?

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Key Issues

CONFLICT What judgments does your mind make

about him/her? What happens if you buy those judgments? I’m making the judgment that .. Naming the story; putting it on a card

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Key Issues

CONFLICT Being right versus being loving I’m right; you’re wrong

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Key Issues

CONFLICT Distinguish values from rules What are your rules? What are your partner’s rules? Where did these rules come from? What happens when you fuse with them?

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Key Issues

CONFLICT :

Defusion of Rigid rules Expect them Notice them Name them

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Key Issues

CONFLICT Discuss inevitability Increase awareness of triggers Increase acceptance Be wary of simple solutions ! For many issues there is no simple solution:

can that be accepted? Learn to discuss difficult issues with

mindfulness and compassion

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Key Issues

CONFLICT ‘Pet arguments’ Name your stories Being right versus being loving ‘But’ vs ‘And’ Anger management if necessary (really

conflict management: managing action not emotion!)

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Key Issues

CONFLICT Repair attempts What’s the tiniest step you could take that

might repair some of the damage? Acknowledge & accept repair attempts (John

Gottman: 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work)

Turn conflict into compassion. How? Vulnerability and openness

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Key Issues

REFRAMING PROBLEMS How can I grow from this? What can I learn from this? Imagine your partner is a personal trainer or

life coach that you have hired to help you grow: what skills can you learn, what strengths can you develop, as a result of your sessions?

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Key Issues

THE PERFECT PARTNER Do they exist? Do you always act the way you expect

yourself to act? The Perfect Partner Story

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Key Issues

CHANGING BEHAVIOR Willingness to change, versus wanting to

change Facilitate willingness through values Distinguish values-driven change from:

resentful change/ guilt-induced change/ trying to ‘keep her happy’/ trying to ‘put up with him’

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Key Issues

CHANGING BEHAVIOR

Identify barriers: FEAR Discuss inevitability of ‘relapse’ When your partner screws up, how will you

respond? When you screw up, how will you respond?

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Key Issues

LOVE Distinguish the action of love from the feeling

of love Magic wand

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Key Issues

INTIMACY Be present Share valued activities Practice connection Facilitate acceptance of vulnerability/anxiety Applies to psychological, emotional and

physical intimacy ‘Eyes on’

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Key Issues

SELF-COMPASSION 3 key components (Neff, K.D. 2003) Mindfulness Kindness Commonality

COMPASSION FOR YOUR PARTNER Facilitate through cultivating vulnerability &

openness

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Key Issues

FORGIVENESS

Give yourself what was there before Do it for yourself Anger & resentment – costs of fusion Respond with mindfulness Not just about ‘letting go’! The aim is to let it come, let it stay and let it

go - ‘as it pleases’

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Key Issues

FORGIVENESS RITUALEach partner writes:-The thoughts, feelings/ memories I’ve been

holding on to are …How holding on has hurt me & our relationship:Commitment to letting all this old stuff come and

go without holding on to itChoose a special place, read it out, do

something symbolic (eg burn it & scatter the ashes) then do something to connect lovingly

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Key Issues

TRUST

Distinguish the action of trust from the ‘feeling’ of trust (not a true ‘feeling’ as such; more a ‘sense’ – strong cognitive component)

No control over ‘feelings’ of trust – only over the actions.

Balance values around trust with values around self-protection

Mindful trust versus blind trust

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Key Issues

WHAT BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE?

Follow all legal obligations & be transparent about it.

After that, it is up to the client to decide. The extreme case: domestic violence. You can share your feelings, in a defused,

open, accepting, non-judgmental manner - but do not try to enforce your beliefs on the client.

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Key Issues

WHAT BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE?

Deal with your own stuff. Focus on building the therapeutic relationship

and making a safe space for the client. Help them increase their psychological

flexibility. Then let them choose for themselves.