Download - The Perfect Recipe for a Blended Family 2

8/13/2019 The Perfect Recipe for a Blended Family 2

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The Perfect Recipe for a Blended Family

Love is more important than the same last name. Today, each partner

brings independent habits, tastes, resources and skills that must be consciously

adapted to the new relationship. Men and women now expect to negotiate a

marriage that meets the individual needs of both partners. For most people,

these changes are extremely liberating, and marriages that succeed can be

much more rewarding and fulfilling than those of the past. Just like my parents,

they are not married so I considered our family an illegitimate family. It is also

blended family. It is hard to be in this kind of family because there are lots of

questions that you need to consider. What is life really like in a blended family?

What are the characteristics of a blended family? What are the feelings of those

who are in a blended family?

I know that we are an illegitimate family because since when I was in

elementary, my father and I went to his hometown, Bicol. I was a child back then

so I dont know why I have brothers and sister there. I dont ask any questions

because I dont care about that since then. I actually met my fathers family

before and their sons and daughters. I have 3 brothers and also 3 sisters. They

are very generous including also their mother. Since my mother is always in her

job outside the country, I dont know anything about them. I dont ask questions.

But still I found out by myself. Actually its hard livingwith this kind of family.

Mother and Father are not married and I dont know if they planned to get

married. I dont know the feelings of my mother when she knew that my father


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has a family before. I could not ask my mother for I may hurt her.

I needed to know more about the life in this kind of family, being a blended

ones. How does the age of the children affect blending families?

What really is the role of a step parent? And I remember that one of the son of

my father in his first family told me that our father shows more love and

appreciation to us more than them. Is it true that the father always loves his

second family more than the first one?

I made a list of the things I needed to know. From that list, I was able to

form my research question: How do I deal with a blended family? Later, I was

able to form an answer.


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The Story of My Search

My search took about two weeks. I began my search by doing

some background reading from the Webster Encyclopedia and it provides me a

definition of the term stepfamily. But the information there is not enough so I

consult the Google Search Engine. From there, I did an online search about step

parents and blended families. There the information on blended families were

contemporary, well organized, easy to understand, and it provide answers to all

the three aspects of my research question. I actually did a lot of research and I

have browsed lots of sites to feed my curiosity regarding my topic. I found

books about it and I asked some of my friends if they have references also but

unfortunately they dont. I even asked them if they have ideas regarding my topic

but some cant relate.

During the next week, my aunt and I had a conversation regarding my

topic. I asked her if she can help me to interview my mother about it. Because

they are both working abroad, it is hard for me to ask questions to my mother. My

aunt told me that I just need to tell my mother anything and then she will surely

provides answer. But the thing is, it is really hard for me. I dont know how to

ask my mother. It took me a long time thinking if I will continue to interview her


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but it yields to a verdict that I should not bother my mother anymore. I will just

find answers to my questions all by myself.

By the end of the second week. I felt that I have got lots of information. My

original search question remained the same: How do I deal with a blended

family?. I was able to define exactly what it was that I wanted to know. I ended

up narrowing my topic to four areas I had to deal with in order to achieve the best

answers for my questions: life, roles, characteristics, feelings/affection.


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The Search Results

According to Gina Kemp, M.A., andJeanne Segal, Ph.D.,Stepfamilies,

also known as blended families, are more of a norm now

than ever. At least one-third of all children in the U.S. will be part of a stepfamily

before they reach age 18. Children in blended families may at first resist the

many changes they face. Fortunately, most blended families are able to work out

their growing pains and live together successfully. Adjusting to a blended family

is a serious issue for many teenagers or even parents. As a result of my

research I have found that I can deal with a blended family through open

communication, positive attitudes, mutual respect and plenty of love and

patience. (Online 2011)

A difficult part of living in a blended family is the inevitable comparisons with the

past. Original family members may be reluctant to accept step-siblings at first,

since they serve as daily reminders of the present reality. Parents should

understand how difficult it can be for children to let go of their past, especially

following a divorce or the death of a parent. Playing the role of step-parent can

be especially difficult, since children can honestly claim one is not their "real"

parent. Some experts suggest allowing the children's original parent to act as the

disciplinarian, since the role of a step-parent is already so challenging.
http://www.jeannesegal.com/http://www.jeannesegal.com/


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(Online 2011)

The role of a stepparent is not necessarily to be household disciplinarian.

As a stepparent, it may be better to avoid making decisions regarding your

stepchilds behavior. This does depend on the circumstances involved. Instead of

trying to parent your stepchild, it may be better to try to be a mentor or supporter

to the child. If you do not agree with how your spouse handles a particular

situation, discuss this issues privately, not in front of the child. Showing support

for your spouse is vital in developing a positive relationship. Talk with your

partner about your concernswithout being judgmental. You should have

concerns about a childs behavior, be sensitive to the fact that the child is trying

to adjust to a new lifestyle. Keep a positive attitude; focus on the childs positive

qualities. As time passes, your role as a stepparent may change. You may

choose to be more involved with the child. Remember, though, you cannot force

a close relationship, take cues from the child about how involved they want you

to be. Parenting your own children can often feel exhausting; being a stepparent

is sometimes even more challenging. It can be frustrating and discouraging if the

relationship with your stepchild is not what you would like it to be. With patience,

consistency, forbearance, and time, things will improve! (Online 2011)

A blended family may not be perfect (what family is perfect?). It is

frustrating, challenging and often conflicted. It may not be permanent because


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parent may divorce changing the family mix once again. A blended family might

mean some changes, some conflicts, some challenges, and some compromises,

but it also means more people to love and more people to love you. All families

are built on love--that is true for "blood relatives" as well as blended families.

(Online 2011)

Kids of different ages and genders will adjust differently. The physical and

emotional needs of a 2 year old girl are different than that of a 13 year old boy,

but dont mistake differences in development and age for differences in

fundamental needs. Just because a teenager may take a long time accepting

your love and affection doesnt mean that he doesnt want it. You will need to

adjust your approach with different age levels and genders, but your goal of

establishing a trusting relationship is the same. For young children under 10,

may adjust more easily because they thrive on cohesive family relationships. Are

more accepting of a new adult. Feel competitive for their parents attention. Have

more daily needs to be met. For adolescents aged 10-14, may have the most

difficult time adjusting to a stepfamily. Need more time to bond before accepting

a new person as a disciplinarian. May not demonstrate their feelings openly, but

may be as sensitive, or more sensitive, than young children when it comes to

needing love, support, discipline and attention. And for teenagers like me 15 or

older, May have less involvement in stepfamily life. Prefer to separate from the

family as they form they own identities. Also may not be open in their expression


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of affection or sensitivity, but still want to feel important, loved and secure.

After doing this research, I concluded that I can deal with a blending family

simply by communicating often and openly. The way a blended family

communicates says a lot about the level of trust between family members. When

communication is clear, open and frequent, there are fewer opportunities for

misunderstanding and more possibilities for connection whether it is between

parent and child, stepparent and stepchild or stepsiblings. Uncertainty and worry

about family issues often comes from poor communication. Kids like to know

what to expect. When they feel empathy and understanding from their parents

and stepparents, they are more likely to be resilient to the normal ups and downs

of adjusting to new family members and a new living situation. Finally, I can show

affection to one another comfortably, doing things together, establishing an open

and nonjudgmental atmosphere and listen respectfully to one another.

(Joy Steven, 2010)


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My Growth as a Researcher

I actually learned a lot about doing research as a result of this project. For

one thing, doing the research took a lot more time than I thought it would. Thus,

I have learned to plan my time more efficiently so that I no longer be in a rush.

Always do the task before or on time and dont waste your time just doing nothing

because time is of the essence. I believed that my writing skills also improved. I

learned to formulate questions and seek out for answers. I also learned that

you need to be serious and focus doing every research for its not easy.

Furthermore, I got a lot of information that will help me understand in a

better way the life, roles, characteristics and feelings of a blended family and

most especially on how can I cope in a blended family.


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Works Cited

Stepfamily Association of placecountry-regionAmerica (n.d.). Frequently Asked

Stepfamily Questions (FAQs) http://www.saafamilies.org/faqs/faqs.htm

Kheshgi-Genovese, Z., & Genovese, T.A.(1997). Developing the spousal

relationship within stepfamilies. Families in Society, 78, 255-264.

Fine, M.A., Coleman, M. & Ganong. L.H.(1998). Consistency in perceptions of

the step-parent role among step-parents, parents, and stepchildren. Journal of

Social & Personal Relationships, 15, 810-828.

Bray, J.H. (1999). From marriage to remarriage and beyond. pp. 253-271 in

Coping with divorce,single parenting and remarriage. Edited by E.M.

Hetherington. Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.

Gina Kemp, M.A., andJeanne Segal, Ph.D.(2001) Step parenting and

Blended Family Advice. Retrieved January 31, 2011 from

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm

Rachna Gupta,(2010) Blended Families. Retrieved February 1, 2011 from

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/blended-families.html
http://www.saafamilies.org/faqs/faqs.htmhttp://www.jeannesegal.com/http://www.jeannesegal.com/http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htmhttp://www.buzzle.com/authors.asp?author=11076http://www.buzzle.com/articles/blended-families.htmlhttp://www.buzzle.com/articles/blended-families.htmlhttp://www.buzzle.com/authors.asp?author=11076http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htmhttp://www.jeannesegal.com/http://www.saafamilies.org/faqs/faqs.htm


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