7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
1/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved1
7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
2/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
ROADBLOCKS
TOHAPPILY EVER
AFTERJOYCE DOLBERG ROWE, M.Ed. LMHC
www.thesoulmatecoach.com
www.marsvenusboston.com
www.joycedolbergrowe,com
800-667-6252
Cover by www.westwindfx.com
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved2
http://www.thesoulmatecoach.com/http://www.marsvenusboston.com/http://www.joycedolbergrowe%2Ccom/http://www.joycedolbergrowe%2Ccom/http://www.marsvenusboston.com/http://www.thesoulmatecoach.com/7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
3/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PAGE: 4 Introduction
PAGE: 5 CHAPTER I: Believe What You See, Cut Your Losses,And Do Not Stay Too Long!
PAGE: 6 CHAPTER II: Fear, Trust Issues, Lack of Resilience
PAGE: 7 CHAPTER III: I Dont Want To Give Up My Freedom. If
I Just Keep Busy
PAGE: 8 CHAPTER IV: Adult Children Of Alcoholics: Struggling In
Relationships
PAGE: 9 CHAPTER V: Friends With Benefits, Family Obligations,
& Work
PAGE: 10 CHAPTER VI: Perfectionism
PAGE: 11 CHAPTER VII: The Queen of First Dates
PAGE: 12 CHAPTER VIII: Journal/Workbook
Note from the Author
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved3
7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
4/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
INTRODUCTION
There are many reasons for how we view the world the way we do; how we
see ourselves, what we think we deserve, and what draws us to make thechoices that we make. I hope that by reading this ebook, and completing the
workbook in the last chapter, you will have an increased understanding of
your own self-destructive patterns. These few case studies and discussions
of how we sabotage our successful pursuit are a brief introduction and
overview. They are not an exhaustive account. Perhaps you will be
motivated to write me with your own unique sabotage story.
If you are not in a long-term committed relationship now, but would like to
be soon, I hope to help you to see yourself or identify behaviors. I am goingto share actual stories of women that perhaps you can relate to in some way.
These women have sabotaged their efforts in search of lasting love and
commitment, but have made significant progress in overcoming obstacles.
The names and other identifying features are changed; the stories are true.
In my book,How To Find Your Soulmate, many other secrets to making
your dream come true are revealed. My private and group coaching sessions
offer additional support. Telephone sessions are flexibly scheduled and pro-
rated. Feel free to email me, I will always respond as quickly as possible:
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved4
7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
5/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
CHAPTER I
BELIEVE WHAT YOU SEE, CUT YOUR LOSSES, AND
DO NOT STAY TOO LONG!
Debbie is now 31 years old. She had four significant relationships each
lasting two to four years. There was a special someone during high
school/college years, another one mid to end of college, one after college,
and then a boyfriend from her mid to late twenties. At last, she is in love
and headed for the altar.
She stayed too longexcessively long, in each of these unsatisfying
relationships. At first, they were exciting, or fun, or convenient, or full of
hope. Initially she was not looking for marriage, but enjoying dating andhaving a good time. As our goals begin to change, we hope that our love
interest will develop along the path to permanence. When it does not, or we
realize that we do not share a vision, difficult decisions must be made. Even
when we know something is right for us, separation anxiety kicks in,
withdrawal symptoms take over, we panic, and go running back where it is
safe and less painfulif only for today. A vicious cycle of staying too long
ensues.
If he makes you cry more than he makes you laugh, do you really think its a
go? NOT! If he is unavailable emotionally, physically, or financially, doyou really think it could work for the long term? Is he even asking? If he
does not want what you want, move along. If his temper scares you more
than once, cut your losses. If his emotional baggage does not work with
yours, believe what you see. Please do not waste this precious gift of time.
Learn your lesson and move on.
When I hear people say that, the first few months were great, but then he
changed, I want to tell them to believe what they see.
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved5
7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
6/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
CHAPTER II
FEAR, TRUST ISSUES, LACK OF RESILIENCE
For some people, the pain of heartbreak is so great, that they never
recover. There are those who are simply less able to bounce back
emotionally after loss or trauma. These people may have a
predisposition for depression, anxiety, or panic. Their fear of
opening up to love again is also their fear of emotional pain.
Heartbreak is difficult for everyone, but most of us recover and
move on. We recognize (albeit sometimes after the fact) that it is
the WISH that he was the one, the wish that we had love in ourlife, that we felt more loveable, and our quest was over, that we are
letting go of. We are grieving and mourning the wish, not the
reality. It is a true loss, but he is not the only man out there for
you. The convent is not your next stop!
If this guy does not believe that you are the right one for him, then
surely he is not Mr. Right. It never feels good to be rejected. It is
easier said than done, to pick yourself back up by your bootstraps,but even more reason to do it. You must not let your fears define
your love life.
Ellen, now forty years old, has not had a serious relationship since
college. She opened her heart then, got seriously hurt, and did not
take that risk again for many years. She was not empowered by
family style. She was disempowered by her own frightening
experience. Ellen had always thought she wanted a child of her
own, but she waited too long to get help. Through the process of
self-exploration, she was able to identify the origin of her
sabotaging patterns. Over the years she had also begun to take
medications that helped with her anxiety. No longer afraid to take
the necessary risks to bring love into her life, she is now well on
her way to fulfillment.
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved6
7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
7/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
CHAPTER III
I DONT WANT TO GIVE UP MY FREEDOM. IF I JUST KEEP
BUSY
Many women who have had long-term relationships or marriages where
their spouses were controlling of their time, energy, spending, or roles and
expectations, fear that they will lose their freedom in future relationships.
They do not want to replicate the depressing life, walking on eggshells, with
the former partner. While it is a difficult loss and an adjustment when that
relationship is over, it can also be a huge relief.
Her life is now her own, but she is alone to face the responsibilities and joys.
Making a choice to get out there and find another man, can be verythreatening.
Suzanne is sixty years old. She has been divorced for ten years. Her two
sons have made lives for themselves a plane ride away. Eight years ago, she
joined a dating club, and biking, hiking, and other active organizations. She
kept herself so busy, that she actually was able to avoid choosing a partner.
She then stopped all looking. Suz was also afraid. Her first husband
suffered from addictions and mental health issues she had not been aware of
early on. Because of his problems, her marriage had been very confusing.
Suzanne also feared that if she got into another relationship, she wouldrelinquish her personal identity. She had been very passive in her married
life. Partly blaming herself all of these years for her failed first marriage,
she became afraid to trust her judgment of men the second time around.
Suzanne finds herself facing retirement alone, and not happy about it. She
wants very much to have the emotional and economic support that a loving,
committed relationship can bring. She has re-activated her dating club
membership, and is in active pursuit. As emotional roadblocks rear their
ugly heads, they must be confronted. Again, we cannot let our fears defineour lives!
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved7
7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
8/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
CHAPTER IV
ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS: STRUGGLING IN
RELATIONSHIPS
Laura, 29 years old, has been in recovery from alcohol since her
adolescence. A schoolteacher, and the child of alcoholic parents, she has
avoided relationships because she tends to be overly passive, when she gets
involved. She is a pleaser, and does not know how to set limits. She has no
clue what is normal. Her boundaries are loose, and they get her in trouble
every time. She knows that hooking up with a guy in the program has never
worked out for her, yet when a charming, fellow happens to pay attention to
her, she is easily swept off her feet. The real problem is that she forgets that
she is not making healthy choices and doesnt realize it until she isemotionally addicted to this bad-boy. Ultimately, nothing comes before
program for her, and she is clear that there is no place for alcohol or drugs
in her life. Her self-esteem starts to plummet, and she abruptly ends the
relationships. The result has been chronic heartache. The program has not
supplied men of marriage material. This is her sabotage pattern. The only
thing that works for her is getting the amount of help she needs to stay on
top of things. If you need more support, for heavens sake, get it!
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved8
7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
9/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
CHAPTER V
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS, FAMILY OBLIGATIONS, & WORK
Sarah is thirty-six and has been happily married for six months. A hardworker, and devoted sister and daughter, she had taken on the lions share of
the family responsibilities after the death of a parent. So committed, she
managed to avoid paying attention to her own personal goals for marriage
and children. She is a caretaker par excellence. Like many women, her life
was focused on the needs of others. She had to work through deep guilt as
she pulled away from family obligations just enough to focus on herself.
Another roadblock was that Sarah had been hanging out with an old friend
who was not in love with her. The two had a mutually satisfying, ifuncommitted relationship. Today, we call this, friends with benefits. The
arrangement temporarily met her needs for male attention and
companionship, but it eliminated her drive to seek an appropriate partner.
That relationship had to end before another could begin. She has since met a
wonderful man and is enjoying married life.
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved9
7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
10/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
CHAPTER VI
PERFECTIONISM
Julie is a perfectionist. She knows exactly what she wants. She wants what
she wants, and she expects nothing less. She assumes that Mr. Right will
know exactly what to do and hell do it most of the time. Remember that
good husbands are created with love and positive reinforcementand even
then, they will not be good everyday. Neither will we. When Julie hits a
speed bump, shes done. She wants perpetual bliss. She said, I ask him
for things and he doesnt do them. When I told her, this is life with the
opposite sex, she explained,Im not going to settle! Julie does not fall in
love easily, and is quite unforgiving. This is a difficult form of sabotage to
overcome. It does require persistent effort.
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved10
7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
11/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
CHAPTER VII
THE QUEEN OF FIRST DATES
Jesse eliminated contenders even more quickly. She was queen offirst dates, and generally found herself turned off after each one.
She came into my office saying, All this guy did was talk about
himself! He wasnt interested in me at all. He is self-centered, and
has no manners. I wont be seeing HIM again!
She did not realize that even in daily conversation, many men do
not understand, nor are they skilled, in the fine art of small talk.
Most guys tend to respond to questionswith answers. Theydont realize that she is attempting to initiate a conversation, not an
interview. Think about this: if you were dancing with a man, and
he steps back, you step forward. When he steps forward, she steps
back. This dance is a basic step that most people learn from a
trained professional. It requires work to really understand and be
able to implement complimentary movement with grace. The
same is often true for conversation. If you quiet down, maybe hell
ask you questions. If he doesnt, just say with a smile, now youask me some things, or simply volunteer information.
The same goes for romantic gestures, like opening a door for you,
or offering to pay for the first date. If he lacks a desire to please or
impress you, that is one thing; if he lacks the basic know how, that
is another. Check in with the jury on that, before you cross him off
your list.
If we are judging a mans chivalry or thoughtfulness based on his
present skill set, we may be cutting ourselves off at the knees.
Sometimes we have to ask for what we wantwith a smile, the
benefit of the doubt, and a belief that he would if he could.
Ill say it again, good husbands are made their willingness to
please, however, must be there.
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved11
7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
12/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
CHAPTER VIII
JOURNAL/WORKBOOK
There are many roadblocks to success that people set up to protect
themselves from their fears. Where once these coping mechanisms served a
purpose, they have worn out their welcome, and have become obstacles to
our happiness. Are yours serving you anymore?
How have you held yourself back?
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
What are your patterns of sabotage?________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Where do they come from? Why did they develop?
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved12
7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
13/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
What are your fears?
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
How have you tried to face your challenges? What has worked? What has
not worked?
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
What is your plan today?
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
Throughout my career as a counselor, people have said things like, I read
all the self- help books, but nothing works for me. It reminds me of the time
my gynecologist gave me a diaphragm for birth control, and quite explicitly
said to me, Joyce, it will not work in the drawer!
I tell my clients, If you read a book about ballet, would it make you a
ballerina? If you read a book about playing golf, would you be able to play
golf? If you took a French lesson, would you be fluent in French? NO. NO.
NO. You must DO the exercises in the workbook, you must follow the
guidelines in the main text, and you must be consistent and active.
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved13
7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
14/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
THE SOULMATE COACH
Group & Individual Coaching ProgramsGet on the fast track to
finding love andcommitment!
You are not aloneIn her How to Find Your SoulmateCoaching Program, Joyce Dolberg
Rowe appliesher proven techniques andliterally guides you step-by-step to a long-term loving relationship with the rightpartner. You will have the personalattention, and 1-on-1 and/or groupsupport you need to help you achieveyour goal.
Call today and begin loving!
What Your Peers Are Saying:I highly recommend this coachingprocess for any woman, young or old, stillsearching. it's worked for me! F.N.
I went through many frogs beforemeeting my prince, and meeting Joyce,and learning her guidelines. Now I amengaged! I believe that Joyces coachingprogram and her book had a lot to do
with it...and I am grateful to have learnedhow to meet and marry my soulmate fromher. I got engaged 09/06". Malinda
With Joyce's guidance and techniques, Ihave found my lifetime partner. Lorraine
To Register, call today:1- 800- 667- 6252
Support Group TeleconferenceLimited to Ten Per Group
6 one-hour group sessions led by theauthor $800 value, 50 % off with your book
purchase
Individual Tele-CoachingProgram
5 one-hour private sessions with the author$1000 value, 40% off with your book
purchase
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved14
7/31/2019 Sabotaging Ourselves
15/15
Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After
Joyce Dolberg Rowe LMHC, Professional Coach & SpeakerJoyce Dolberg Rowe, LMHC, is the Clinical Director for the Mars & Venus
Counseling Centers. In private practice since 1980 she shares her expertise andexperience as a relationship coach and public speaker to help individuals find and
keep their soulmates.
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC
All Right Reserved15
Top Related