Promoting Resiliency by Managing Stress,
Competitiveness, and Perfectionism
Kristina Groce, M.A.
Amanda Slonaker, M.A.
Mary Skokut, M.Ed.
March 31, 2009
Introduction
• Resiliency = Good outcomes in the face of adversity or challenges (Masten, 2001)
• Gifted students and unique challenges
• How can parents promote resiliency with their gifted children?
Presentation Outline
I. Managing Stress
II. Managing Competitiveness
III. Managing Perfectionism
IV. Questions/comments
Managing Stress
Stress
The body’s general response to any intense physical, emotional, or mental demand placed on it by oneself or others (Kaplan, 2005)
Eustress versus Distress
Eustress (Positive Stress)• Motivates and focuses energy • Helps achieve goals and reach potential
Distress (Negative Stress)• Feels unpleasant • Can lead to anxiety• Can decrease performance • Can lead to physical or emotional problems
Stress in gifted children
• Busy schedules• Feeling “different”• High expectations (from self or others)• Perfectionism• Competitiveness• Underachievement• Lack of challenge• Other examples???
What can parents do?
• Provide information on coping strategies• Encourage your child to express her/his feelings• Listen• Validate/acknowledge child’s feelings• Be available for guidance• Model acceptance and encouragement• Help your child be a “whole person”• Be patient• Model how to deal with stress
Coping Strategies for Stress Management
• Regular exercise• Healthy nutrition• Adequate rest• Take time out for enjoyable activities• Learn skills that make tasks easier / more successful• Be a problem-solver• Shifting perspective• Be optimistic…
Optimism: A tool to manage and prevent stress
• What is optimism?
• Thoughts???
• The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Children Against Depression and Build Lifelong Resilience – authored by Dr. Martin Seligman (1995)
Optimism is NOT…
• Just hoping that everything will be okay
• Ignoring reality• Just telling yourself positive
thoughts• Wishful thinking
Optimism involves…
• Flexible and reality-based thought process
• Optimistic explanatory style
• Telling yourself something that is equally true, but nicer
• Opposite of pessimism
• Opposite of catastrophizing
ABCs of Optimism
A(adversity)
B(belief or thought)
C(consequence or
feeling)
Teaching Optimism
1) Apply concepts to your own life
2) Model and teach concepts to children
Skills to learn optimism:
• Catch automatic thoughts
• Evaluate thoughts
• Generate alternatives
• Decatastrophize
Evaluating Thoughts
Example: Lynn is a mother of three and works full-time in marketing. She was recently put in charge of a new project at work that is a great opportunity but carries a lot of responsibility and has required her to work long hours. Lynn’s oldest son, Jamie, is acting in a high school play for the first time and has expressed both his excitement and nerves in conversations with his mother. Today the cast and crew will put on their first dress-rehearsal to a group of students during school hours. Jamie is nervous and does not say much during breakfast. Lynn does not notice and is preoccupied with thoughts of an important work meeting, not to mention that Jamie’s younger sisters have started a cereal war at the breakfast table. On his way out the door, Jamie says to Lynn, “Thanks for remembering the dress rehearsal, Mom.”
Lynn feels horrible and thinks to herself, “I can’t believe I forgot! I am a horrible mother, and Jamie is going to think he can’t count on me now.”
Explanatory Style
Pessimistic Explanatory Style
Permanent
Pervasive
Personal
“Things at school never go right for me.”
“No one is ever going to hire me.”
“I must be an unlovable person.”
Optimistic Explanatory Style
Temporary
Specific
Impersonal
“Things at school are bad right now.”
“This particular person didn’t hire me.”
“My friend is probably busy or forgot to call me back.”
More practice…Johnny
A) Hit in head by a ball during recess.
B) ???
C) Feels very sad, avoids children during rest of recess.
A) Hit in head by a ball during recess.
B) ???
C) Rubs head and frowns, then resumes playing with friends.
Joanna
A) Looses game for third time while playing a friend.
B) ???
C) Feels very frustrated; down on self.
A) Looses game for third time while playing a friend.
B) ???
C) Laughs and says, “Let’s play something else!”
Joe
A) High school student gets a D on Economics test.
B) ???
C) Feels very irritable, decreased energy, avoids schoolwork for that class.
A) High school junior gets a D on a test.
B) ???
C) Feels motivated to seek out help and study more.
Managing Competitiveness
What is competitiveness?
• Contest
• Opposition
• Process of trying to beat others
• Rivalry
Examples of Competitiveness
• Has your child experienced competition?
• What are some examples of competition or competitiveness your child has experienced?
Competition
• Negative
• Positive
Emerging Reaction Patterns to Competition
• The honest competitor• The ambivalent competitor• The personal best
Which type is your student?
Benefits of Competition• Teaches students they may
struggle or fail at first but achieve their goal eventually
• Helps students to persevere when faced with obstacles
• Increases their resilience, or ability to recover from setbacks
• Helps students learn to win with grace and humility
• Prepares students for future competition as they enter their careers
• Inspires students to strive for excellence
Can competition be hurtful?
• Sometimes, if taken to extremes.
Things to take into consideration:
– Delay exposure of competition to young children, especially if they are very sensitive
– Address competition when it arises
Strategies to help your child deal with competitiveness
• Talk to your child
• Practice appropriate behaviors
• Praise effort rather than performance
• Read optimistic stories with resilient characters
• Brainstorm ways to help your child cope when she/he encounters an upsetting situation
Strategies to help your child deal with competitiveness (continued)
• Use competition as less of a motivator and more for a tool of personal improvement
• Help children to manage stressful situations
• Help children to build supportive social networks
ManagingPerfectionism
What is perfectionism?
• Is perfectionism the same thing as striving for excellence?
• A combination of thoughts and behaviors generally associated with high standards or expectations for one’s performance.– A potent force capable of causing either
intense frustration or intense satisfaction, depending on how it is channeled.
Who experiences perfectionism?
• Up to 90% of gifted students may experience some degree of perfectionism
• Girls are more likely than boys
• Perfectionism tends to increase with age
• Late childhood and early adolescence is the prime period for development of the perfectionistic mindset
What does a perfectionist think?
• “If I can’t do it perfectly, what’s the point?”
• “I should excel at everything I do.”
• “Things should be done right the first time.”
• “I’m a wonderful person if I do well; I’m a lousy person if I do poorly.”
• “I’m never good enough.”
• “If I goof up, something’s wrong with me.”
How does a perfectionist feel?
• Deeply embarrassed about making mistakes
• Extremely worried about details
• Fearful or anxious
• Ashamed of having fears
• Anxious when stating opinion to others
• Guilty about letting others down
How does a perfectionist act?
• Tend to overcommit self
• Arrive late because one more thing has to be done
• Has difficulty making choices
• Gets carried away with detail
• Pays more attention to negative rather than positive comments
• Never seems satisfied with own work
The Continuum of Perfectionism
Unhealthy
Healthy
Healthy Perfectionists
• Derive a real sense of pleasure from diligent and meticulous effort
• Feel free to be less precise as the situation permits
• Have high standards for performance• Strive for excellence• Try to maximize own potential without
being concerned with own standing relative to others
Unhealthy Perfectionists
• Derive little pleasure or satisfaction from their work
• Strain toward impossible goals• Try to do everything equally well• Avoid situations that might result in failure• Compare own performance to that of others• Measure their worth in terms of
accomplishments• Believe they are never good enough
What does an unhealthy perfectionist look like?
• Spends excessive time on assignments
• Repeatedly starts over
• Refuses to turn in completed assignments
• Has little tolerance for mistakes and becomes overemotional about minor errors
• Impatient with others’ imperfections
• Procrastination and work avoidance
Negative Outcomes of Unhealthy Perfectionism Can
Include:
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Panic Disorder
• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
• Eating disorder
• Migraine headaches
What do I do if my child/student demonstrates an
unhealthy amount of perfectionism?
Counseling may be necessary if a child experiences:
• Social isolation
• Alienation within the family
• Inability to control anger
• Depression or continual boredom
• Chronic underachievement
How to Help with Schoolwork:
• Break large assignments into smaller pieces
• Set a timer to give the student a beginning and ending time
• Reward effort, not outcome • Expect progress, not perfection• Make mistakes okay• Remind student of strengths and
successes rather than “What I did wrong.” Refrain from criticism.
Tips to Provide to the Student:
• Remember that there is always another time.• Strive for your personal best, not “THE BEST”• Be willing to laugh at yourself• Accept yourself• Catch yourself trying to be perfect• Get comfortable with feedback• Say what you feel• Quit making up the rules
Statements to Reduce Unhealthy Perfectionism
Instead of saying… Try saying…
1. What happened here? 1. How do you feel about your report card?
2. Go look it up. 2. Let’s find it together.
3. Are you still working on that?
3. Keep trying. Don’t give up.
4. You still can’t… 4. You do a good job of…
Conclusions
• Talk with and listen to your children
• Model appropriate coping strategies
• Praise effort, rather than performance
• Remember that stress, competitiveness, & perfectionism can be channeled in positive ways.
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