Peaceful resolutionsTO ESTATE DISPUTES
1. Vision your "new normal"
The loss of a loved one can alter the landscape of your life. It can make you
reassess what is important, or reaffirm your values. Start by identifying what’s
important to you and your family. Imagine what your “new normal” without your
loved one might look like, what job you might hold, how you might spend your
leisure time, where you might be living and with whom etc. Do the same exercise
for your family members, or if you’re on good speaking terms, ask them to do the
same task themselves and share your answers between you.
To help you lift your eyes to your new horizon, I encourage you to do this simple butpowerful exercise. Close your eyes and try to imagine yourself in a few years' time. (For those devastatedby loss, it can be really difficult to imagine life without your loved one. Be assured, thisis not about forgetting them. Imagine fast-forwarding through all of the awful parts ofgrief and arriving at a healthy place on the other side.) The intense anguish of your grief has passed, the ugly confrontations with your familymembers are behind you, the hurt or anger you have felt in dealing with the fallouthas resolved, the estate administration has been finalised and the estates battle isover. What does your life look like? Think about these questions:
Mapping out your future
Where do you live? Who are your nearest and dearest? What are you doing? Where are you working or volunteering? What are your new interests or hobbies?
1. Envision your forever-altered 'new normal'
Losing a loved one can feel like you have had the rug pulled from under you. It can
literally feel like the world as you know it is shaken and shattered. It can leave you
feeling like you have lost your way. Facing a battle over the estate at such a stressful
time can make things worse. If you want to stay out of court and try to reach
settlement with your family members in a calm way, then here are our top 10 tips to
give you the best chance of doing just that.
Write down what changes you could make now to take your life a step closer to thatideal. These will then become some goals to aim for. These can be big-picture goals, or they can be small changes that might make a bigdifference. Ask yourself: Write your first goal at the top of a piece of paper, then write down a series of smallertasks that will help you achieve that goal. You might need to do some homework tosee if and how certain goals might be viable. At the bottom of the page, write downwhat rewards you will allow yourself once you have 1) done your homework, 2) made adecision and set out further steps, and then 3) achieved your goal.
What things can you do now that you didn't have time for before? Are there new interests that you have been meaning to try, or old hobbies that youcould return to? Is it time to take a little holiday to reconnect with family or friends? What can you do to take care of yourself, physically and mentally? Where do you see yourself living long term? Do you take comfort in living in thesame home and having items around you that remind you of your loved one, orwould you find it easier to cope by moving house and having a clean slate?
2. Map out the path
3. Take some baby steps
2. Identify your values and your big picture goals for your future
By taking the time to work out your own personal values and goals and then
basing your decisions on those, you will make measured and purposeful decisions
that you will be proud of. Many grieving families become entangled in disputes
because they get caught up in “righting” past injustices and they attach figures to
their emotions. It is far more important to focus on trying to reach a settlement
that will help you live out the life you value, or focus on the type of relationship
you hope to have with your family into the future.
Your values are likely to be influenced by:
So how does anyone go about identifying their core values?
Start by thinking back over your life to the times you were most content or the
moments where you felt proud or fulfilled. Try and think of a few times - from both
childhood and adulthood, in your work life and in your personal life - when you
experienced joy and felt good about yourself and the choices you were making. Write
those down. Are there any common themes or threads in those moments that help
you identify what you value the most?
Sometimes reading through a list of common core values (like the list on the next
page) can help you to label your values. Start by going through the list on the next
page and circling the values that resonate for you. Narrow them down to ten or
fifteen, then group similar ones together and try again to narrow them down to five or
six.
Now is the time for a bit of feedback from your nearest and dearest. Ask them the
following questions:
Discover your core values
What do I pay the most attention to?
What do I value the most?
What traits make me unique (love them or hate them!)?
At what times in my life have I been happiest?
What gives me the most energy?
What comes easily to me that is harder for others?
Family: In childhood, you probably developed an internal reference for what is good
or bad, what is important in life and what to work hard for.
Experiences: Your life experiences (such as travelling overseas), your education, your
successes and your personal challenges often adjust or transform your values.
Faith: If you have a personal faith, you will no doubt hold values that align with the
tenets of your world view.
Community: If you are part of an active community or movement, your values will
likely align with the values of that community.
Culture: Our values are influenced by the culture and political system of the country
in which we live.
Now look over your top values. Do they make you feel good about yourself? Are you
proud of them? Would you stand by these values even if making a stand based on
these values isn't popular? If so, you have identified values that will fit with your life
and your vision for it.
Authenticity Commitment Ethics Honesty Listening Poise
Achievement Community Excitement Hope Love Potential
Accountability Compassion Faith Humour Loyalty Simplicity
Advancement Competency Fairness Independence Meaning Spirituality
Adventure Confidence Fame Influence Mindfulness Stability
Appreciation Connection Family Initiative Movement Status
Authority Contribution FinancialSecurity
InnerHarmony
Nature Strength
Autonomy Creativity Forgiveness Integrity Openness Structure
Balance Curiosity Friendships Intellectual Optimism Success
Beauty Decisiveness Freedom Intention Order Tolerance
Belief Determination Fun Joy Organisation Tradition
Boldness Development Generosity Justice Passion Trust
Calm Diligence Giving Kindness Patience Truth
Challenge Efficiency Gratitude Knowledge Peace Understanding
Change Environment Growth Laughter Persistence Unity
Choice Emotion Happiness Leadership Planning Variety
Collaboration Equality Health Learning Pleasure Vitality
Wealth Wholeness Wisdom
Sample List of Values
3. Think outside the box
Often family members hold a belief that for a “fair” division of the estate, the
dollar value must be “equal”. Try to think outside the square and beyond the
monetary value of assets and “equal” division. Instead consider the intrinsic value
that different types of assets might have for different family members e.g. having
cash to pay off debt might have a higher value to one family member than part
ownership in an investment property that will be difficult to sell quickly. Think
creatively and start by brainstorming at least 5 different ways that you could
divide the estate between you and your family.
4. Analyse the Options
From the larger list of brainstormed options, do a pros and cons analysis of each
one to narrow it down to about two or three options that are likely to meet your
needs and those of your family members. These will be the options that you
might want to discuss with your family to try and reach a resolution.
5. Avoid Positional Bargaining
Instead of getting stuck on the numbers that seemingly deliver a “fair” division of
the value of the estate, look instead for “acceptable” outcomes that seek to meet
not just your needs, but also the needs of your family members. If you take the
approach that “its my way or the highway” you will end up on a highway straight
to court!
The problems with the 'I want it all and I want it now!' approach: Positional bargaining will potentially derail a negotiation, making all parties jaded andunwilling to approach any subsequent court-required mediation genuinely. If allparties are represented by lawyers committed to early resolution, then you will have fargreater chance of reaching settlement early.
Why positional bargaining is not helpful?
The settlement becomes far more about a sum of money or things, rather thanabout what the sum of money or the things might mean for each person's future, The negotiation process itself can take months a significant legal cost, as lengthypositional emails and letters are exchanged, and The process is usually counterproductive, because playing this kind of'negotiation game' can frustrate family members and their lawyers, particularlywhen the offers first exchanged are usually ridiculous and unattainable.
6. Act Calmy
7. Pick your battles
If you’re in a constructive negotiation process, look to proposals that are sensible,
that meet the needs of you and your family, that are within the range of legal
outcomes that you have been advised you will achieve. Stay focussed on your big
picture goals, so that giving in on a few things that aren’t as important to you is
easier and shows you are willing to compromise. You don’t have to win every
battle!
8. Think family first, litigation last!
When you are in grief you are already dealing with a myriad of emotions – denial,
anger, depression, fear, sadness and shock to name a few. Be aware when your
emotions are getting the better of you and seek assistance from professionals,
friends and family. When managing conflict with your family over an estate it is
important to find techniques that help you stay calm. Because, if you can act
calmly you will have more capacity to think straight and make good decisions for
yourself.
Even when it seems you can’t agree on anything with your family, you might find
that you all agree that keeping the family intact is important. If the family
relationship isn’t salvageable then at the least you might agree that it is better to
try to reach resolution rather than go to court and squander your inheritance in
legal fees. If you hit an impasse, always bear in mind the costs (both emotional
and financial) of failing to reach agreement and going to Court.
(07) 3371 [email protected] resolveestatelaw.com.au
9. Always put yourself in the other person's shoes
Seeing things from other family members’ perspectives is key to reaching
resolution. Do your best to listen and hear what lies beneath the issues for each of
your family members. Put yourself in their shoes and think about what is most
important to them. Frame your proposal to make it attractive to them – in other
words, the more you can make a proposal meet your other family member’s
needs the greater chance you have of it being accepted.
Take as much advice as you need to make informed decisions, but remember
that you are in the driver’s seat of your life and only you can make the decision on
which road you want to take. If you stay focussed on making values-based
decisions, they will be the “right” decisions because they will be the ones you are
most content to live with.
10. Remember – this is your life
For further information on how to keep your disputed estate out of court click
here to book your complimentary 15 minute consultation with us to discuss the
best resolution pathway for you. Or go to www.resolveestatelaw.com.au to
purchase your copy of 'Rest in Peace: How to manage an estate dispute without
ineriting heartache' written by specialist succession lawyer and prinicpal of
Resolve Estate Law, Zinta Harris.
Liability limited by a scheme approved under Professional Standards Legislation.
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