MY RACIST FATHER-IN-LAW
"Pilot"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion
Copyright 2015
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
HERM (65, black) is talking to a TENANT (male, 28, black).
TENANT
I gotta say, Mr. Jones. You might
be a cranky lunatic, but you fix
stuff better than any other super
in any building I’ve ever lived in.
HERM
And I gotta say, you might be an
asshole, but
TENANT
... But what?
HERM
Ain’t no but. You’re an asshole.
TENANT
Come on, Mr. Jones. I was
complimenting you.
HERM
What about the whole cranky lunatic
thing?
TENANT
Well. I’m just saying. Today, you
fixed my toilet--but yesterday, you
got mad at me because my goldfish
was making too much noise.
HERM
That’s ’cause you got a loud ass
goldfish.
TENANT
Or maybe it’s ’cause this building
has thin walls.
HERM
Then maybe you should move to the
Trump Tower, where they got thick
walls.
TENANT
I would--but they don’t let any
black people in there.
2.
HERM
Yeah. It’s just like the White
House.
TENANT
How is it just like the White
House? Obama is President.
HERM
He’s half white. America ain’t
gonna let no legitimate black man
in the White House. If I were to
step one foot into the Oval Office,
they would turn the damn hoses on
me.
TENANT
Um. OK.
HERM
So do you need anything else?
TENANT
No. But, uh, how’s Karen doing? I
haven’t seen her since she got
married.
HERM
Karen is fine.
TENANT
Tell her I said hi.
HERM
Alright. I’ll her the asshole in
apartment 3G said hi.
TENANT
You know, I smell a lot of bacon
coming from your apartment. You
think Karen would approve of your
diet?
HERM
She’s my daughter. I tell her what
to eat.
TENANT
But she’s a nutritionist.
HERM
And I’m a building superintendent.
And you’re an asshole. What’s your
point?
3.
TENANT
I guess I don’t have a point. Say,
uh, I heard she married Jackie
Chan’s cousin or something.
HERM
What? No. She married Denzel
Washington’s cousin.
TENANT
My sister said she saw Karen with
some Asian dude.
HERM
Well. Karen’s my daughter. I was at
the wedding. Aretha Franklin
performed at the party. I know who
Karen is married to. A black man.
TENANT
A legitimate black man?
HERM
Yeah.
TENANT
Yo. But my sister said she looked
up Karen on Facebook, and it says
there that her name is now Karen
Jones Nakamura. That means she
married some dude named Mr.
Nakamura.
HERM
So. Just because some guy is Denzel
Washington’s cousin, that doesn’t
mean he has to have the last name
Washington. Most cousins don’t have
the same last name.
TENANT
Most legitimate black men don’t
have the last name Nakamura.
HERM
Well some do.
TENANT
Is he half black, half Asian?
HERM
He’s half black, half black.
Nakamura is a Swahili name. Karen
(MORE)
4.
HERM (cont’d)
is married to a legitimate black
man, end of story, close the book,
and tell your damn goldfish to stop
making making so much noise.
TENANT
Alright. I’m just saying. It seems
like Karen’s married to an Asian
guy.
HERM
It seems like you don’t now when
you should mind your damn business.
TENANT
Man. You don’t need to get all
crazy. There’s nothing wrong with a
black woman marrying an Asian dude.
Don’t forget what Dr. King said. I
have a dream...
HERM
Yeah--I know about the dream, OK?
Don’t be quoting Dr. King to me.
I’ll quote Dr. King to you. I was
standing right next to Dr. King
during the Million Man March. I
organized the event with him.
TENANT
Well then you know how Dr. King’s
dream was interracial.
HERM
I know Martin Luther King was
married to a legitimately black
woman, just like how Karen is
married to a legitimately black
man.
TENANT
Right. Yeah. Mr. Nakamura. I guess
Nakamura is Swahili for bullshit.
INT. HERM AND BEA’S APARTMENT - DAY
Herm is talking to his wife BEA (65, black).
5.
HERM
That asshole in 3G--he’s spreading
rumors about how Karen’s married to
some Asian guy.
BEA
But she is married to an Asian guy.
HERM
Shhh. Not so loud, honey. You know
how thin these walls are.
(loudly, to a wall)
That’s true, honey. Karen is
married to a black man. She’s
married to Denzel Washington’s
cousin. Who’s also Barack Obama’s
brother. His legitimately black
brother, on the legitimately black
side of his family.
BEA
Herm, enough.
HERM
Honey. This is Brooklyn--not
Beijing. We can’t advertise the
fact that Karen’s married to a
Chinaman.
BEA
Her husband is Japanese.
HERM
Chinaman, Japanman--he definitely
ain’t no black man.
INT. INTERNET COMPANY CAFETERIA - DAY
HARUTO (male, 30, Japanese), TIM (30), and JACK (50) are
seated at a table and eating lunch.
JACK
It’s my birthday today.
HARUTO
Oh. Happy birthday.
JACK
They’re gonna fire me.
6.
HARUTO
Why?
JACK
Well. I heard the office is gonna
get a cake for my birthday.
HARUTO
And?
JACK
And I think they know I’m turning
50.
HARUTO
And?
JACK
What do you mean and? This is an
internet company. It’s a young
man’s game around here. Once you
turn 50, they take you out back and
shoot you in the head. You know.
(sings)
Happy birthday to you / Happy
birthday to you / Happy birthday
(stops singing)
Bang! Bang! You’re fired, you old
son of a bitch!
HARUTO
They’re not gonna fire you just
because you’re 50.
JACK
Well. They won’t if they don’t know
that I’m 50. Do me a favor, and
tell everyone that we went to high
school together.
HARUTO
What?
JACK
Just bring it up, casually, when
everyone’s eating my birthday
cake. Just say to me, "Remember
that time we were in high school,
and for your 17th birthday, we
drove around looking for a hooker?
7.
HARUTO
How about instead of me doing that,
I just take you out back and I
shoot you in the head.
TIM
I’ll do it.
JACK
You’ll shoot me in the head?
TIM
No. I’ll tell everyone that we went
to high school together.
JACK
Really?
TIM
Yeah. I can even photoshop a
picture of us as two 17 year olds.
With a hooker.
JACK
Awesome.
HARUTO
How is that awesome? Everyone knows
you’re in your late 40s. We’ve all
heard you talk about your
collection of disco records.
JACK
A lot of people our age collect
disco records.
HARUTO
You’re not our age.
JACK
So what? That doesn’t mean they
should fire me. I have three
decades worth of coding
experience. I even know about
ancient internet history--like back
in the day, when people had hand
crank computers, and they used a
program called Netscape Navigator
to go to a website called MySpace.
TIM
You mean those things actually
existed? I thought that was just a
Nerdic legend.
8.
Their boss PEYTON (35) walks up to Jack.
PEYTON
Jack--I just talked to
headquarters. They need you to
finish the green project by
tomorrow.
JACK
You know, that reminds me of the
time Tim and I were in high school,
and they always served us green
beans in the cafeteria.
PEYTON
... What the hell were Tim and you
doing in high school?
JACK
You know. Going to classes, and
eating green beans.
PEYTON
You guys went to high school
together?
JACK
Yeah.
PEYTON
You mean, during the same decade?
JACK
Of course during the same decade.
PEYTON
That’s weird. A year ago, you told
me that back when you were in high
school, you once went to a Gloria
Gaynor concert.
JACK
I didn’t say Gloria Gaynor. I said
Justin Bieber.
PEYTON
You went to a Justin Bieber concert
when you were in high school?
JACK
Justin Timberlake. And um, let me
just point out that regardless of
what age I am chronologically, I’m
(MORE)
9.
JACK (cont’d)30 years old technologically. I’m
halfway between Justin Bieber and
Gloria Gaynor.
PEYTON
She’s in her 60s and he’s in his
20s--so that would make you
somewhere in your 40s.
JACK
No. I, uh, listen to Justin Beiber
twice as often as I listen to
Gloria Gaynor--so that would make
me 30.
PEYTON
(robotically)
Great. Bye.
He walks away.
JACK
You think he’s gonna fire me for
being 50?
HARUTO
No. He’s gonna fire you for liking
Justin Bieber.
A few seconds pass.
TIM
I need to ask you a question about
your area of expertise.
HARUTO
Coding?
TIM
No.
HARUTO
Online payment processing?
TIM
No.
HARUTO
Saki?
10.
TIM
You’re getting a little closer--but
no.
HARUTO
Then what?
TIM
How can I pick up black women?
HARUTO
How the hell should I know?
TIM
You’re married to one.
HARUTO
Oh yeah. Right. Well, I’m not an
expert on picking up black women. I
just happened to be married to a
woman who happens to be black.
TIM
Right. So you didn’t use, like,
some sort of algorithm to get her?
HARUTO
Of course not. Well--I might’ve
consulted with an algorithm. But I
relied on my heart. Also, I got
Karen really drunk on our third
date.
JACK
So how’s your marriage going?
HARUTO
Great. But tonight, we’re having
our parents over. And there’s no
algorithm that can show me how to
deal with Mr. Herm Johnson.
INT. BAKERY - DAY
Herm is talking to an EMPLOYEE (male, 35).
HERM
I need a cake.
EMPLOYEE
OK. Do you have a specific kind of
cake in mind?
11.
HERM
Do I look like I have time to think
about specific cakes? I’m a busy
man. I’m a building superintendent.
Just give me a damn cake so I can
get the hell out of there. I don’t
want to spend all day in a bakery,
like some damn idiot.
EMPLOYEE
Um. OK. Well, for a busy man like
you, I’d recommend our most popular
item: the molten chocolate cake.
HERM
How much is that?
EMPLOYEE
19.99.
HERM
You want me to pay 19.99 for a
molten cake?!
EMPLOYEE
Well. Uh. I don’t know how to
answer that question.
HERM
I don’t need no molten. I just want
a cake--not a damn volcano.
EMPLOYEE
Well. Our Boston cream pie is
really good, and it’s only 10.99.
HERM
This is Brooklyn, jack! I don’t eat
no New England clam chowder.
EMPLOYEE
There’s no New England clam chowder
in a Boston Cream Pie.
HERM
I know that! I’m not ignorant! The
point is, I don’t want a Boston
anything. Boston and New York are
enemies. I don’t wear Red Sox, and
I don’t eat Boston cream.
12.
EMPLOYEE
OK. Well. We have lemon cake for
10.99. Do you have anything against
lemons?
HERM
Of course I don’t have anything
against lemons! What kind of a
lunatic do you think I am?!
INT. SMALL OFFICE ROOM - DAY
KAREN (30, black) is seated at her desk, and MARV (60,
white) and GINA (60, white) are seated across from her.
KAREN
And what do you typically have for
lunch?
MARV
Beer and potato chips.
KAREN
For lunch?
MARV
Yeah. I have a few beers, and maybe
two or three handfuls of potato
chips or Doritos, and maybe a
pickle.
GINA
(to Karen)
He usually doesn’t have a pickle.
MARV
I have a pickle pretty often.
GINA
But not usually.
MARV
Four times a week.
GINA
It’s more like two times a week.
MARV
It’s actually more like five times
a week.
13.
GINA
Marv. I think I would know if I’m
married to a man who eats five
pickles a week.
MARV
I think I know how many pickles I
eat a week. Why would I lie? I have
no motive to lie about my pickle
consumption. What--you think I’m
going around town, bragging about
how often I eat pickles?
GINA
Damn it, Marv--you don’t eat five
pickles a week!
KAREN
Well, uh--it doesn’t really matter
that much if he eats five pickles a
week or two pickles a week.
GINA
(to Marv)
You hear that, Marv? It doesn’t
even matter. You’ve been arguing
for nothing.
MARV
I’ve been arguing for nothing?
You’ve been arguing for nothing.
You started arguing about pickles
like some lunatic, insisting that I
eat two a week, when I know I eat
five a week.
GINA
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t
matter if you claim it’s five, or
if I know it’s two.
(to Karen)
Mrs. Jones--regardless of how many
pickles my husband eats, should he
be drinking beer and eating
chips every day?
KAREN
No.
GINA
(to Marv)
You hear that, Marv? She said
you’re not supposed to have beer
(MORE)
14.
GINA (cont’d)and potato chips for lunch every
day. And she knows. She’s a
nutritionist.
MARV
Well why the hell shouldn’t I have
beer and chips for lunch?
GINA
What do you mean why shouldn’t you
have beer and chips for lunch?
(to Karen)
Tell him why he shouldn’t have beer
and chips for lunch.
KAREN
Because you need to have actual
food for lunch. Beer and chips have
almost no nutritional value.
GINA
(to Marv)
Did you hear that, Marv?
MARV
Yes I heard it! I’m right here, and
she said it, so I heard it.
GINA
Yeah. You heard it. But are you
gonna listen to it, and actually
stop having beer and chips for
lunch?
MARV
No. Because I’m not a bean sprout
eating hippie. I didn’t go to
Woodstock, I didn’t vote for
Clinton or Obama, and I feel
physically ill every time I pass by
a Whole Foods Market. Now can we
please get out of here and go home?
There’s a Nets game that’s starting
in 15 minutes.
GINA
(to Karen)
Did you hear that? He said he’s
gonna keep on having beer and
chips.
15.
MARV
Of course she heard it. She’s right
here, and I said it, so she heard
it.
KAREN
Well. Listen, Mr. Jackson. You know
the main thing I don’t like about
hippies?
MARV
Their unwillingness to wear normal
shoes.
KAREN
Well. Basically. I don’t like how
they’re extremists. I’m not an
extremist, and I’m not asking you
to be one, either. I’m not asking
you to camp out in a Whole Foods
Market and live on kale and quinoa.
MARV
Quino-what?
KAREN
Quinoa. It’s a food.
MARV
It sounds like it tastes like crap.
I’ll bet Michelle Obama wants to
force everyone to eat quinoa day
and night. I hate her. But not
because she’s black. I hate her
because she’s a communist.
KAREN
Well. Here’s my main message. If
you want to eat chips and drink
beer, you can eat chips and drink
beer. Just not for lunch every
single day. How about
you substitute, like, half of those
beers with juice and water, and
half of those chips with sandwiches
or cereal or fruit?
MARV
Well. I, uh, I suppose I can do
that.
(to Gina)
She’s a nice girl.
(to Karen)
(MORE)
16.
MARV (cont’d)
You know, I wish Barack Obama would
divorce that communist wife of his,
marry you, and make you the head of
nutrition.
KAREN
Well. I’m already married--so I’m
gonna have to reject President
Obama’s proposal.
INT. LI AND SOO-YI’S APARTMENT - DAY
This entire scene is in Japanese with English subtitles
Li (65) is talking to SOO-YI (60).
LI
(in Japanese with English
subtitles)
What do you think Haruto’s wife is
going to make for dinner?
SOO-YI
(in Japanese with English
subtitles)
How should I know?
LI
Probably some sort of ethnic dish.
I believe the blacks call their
cuisine soul food.
SOO-YI
What kind of food is soul food?
LI
I was reading an article about it
the other day. Soul food is
biscuits, and macaroni and cheese,
and bizarre parts of a pig--with
hot sauce on everything, and the
blacks wash it all down with sugary
iced tea. That woman--she is going
to make Haruto fat. You should
teach her how to make traditional
Japanese dishes.
SOO-YI
I hardly even know her. What do you
want me to do--start rolling sushi
in their kitchen? Anyways--I doubt
(MORE)
17.
SOO-YI (cont’d)she makes that type of food often.
After all--she is a nutritionist.
LI
You know, I am not looking forward
to seeing her father. He strikes me
as the type of person who is always
looking to start some shit.
SOO-YI
Well. You are also always looking
to start some shit.
LI
Not the way he is always looking to
start some shit.
INT. SMALL APARTMENT (DINING AREA) - NIGHT
Haruto and Karen are sitting at the dining table.
KAREN
Alright. I think I have the dishes
that’ll appease everyone. Miso
soup, quinoa and roasted pepper
chili, and mac and cheese.
HARUTO
Sounds great. Remind me again why
we’re doing this.
KAREN
Because we’re, um, a married
couple. This is what married
couples do.
HARUTO
Remember the last time your parents
and my parents were in the same
room?
KAREN
Yeah. Our wedding.
HARUTO
And at that wedding, how many times
did your father ask my father to
prove that he’s a legal resident of
America?
18.
KAREN
Twice. What’s your point?
HARUTO
Your father’s racist.
KAREN
And?
HARUTO
One of the racial groups he’s
racist towards is Asians.
KAREN
And?
HARUTO
And there are gonna be three Asians
here with him.
KAREN
It’s OK. My father will behave
himself. He’s actually a very
tolerant guy, once you get to know
him.
HARUTO
Really?
KAREN
Of course not. He actually becomes
less tolerant once you get to know
him. But the point is, you’re
married to me.
HARUTO
And?
KAREN
And I’m married to you.
HARUTO
And?
KAREN
And our parents haven’t seen each
other since our wedding.
HARUTO
And?
19.
KAREN
And that was six months ago.
HARUTO
And?
KAREN
And stop saying "and."
Haruto takes out his iPhone and types on it. Karen’s iPhone
signals that she has a text message. She takes out her phone
and looks at the message. It says "And?"
Karen looks at Haruto.
HARUTO
I didn’t say "and." I texted it.
KAREN
Great. When we’re in bed tonight, I
won’t have sex with you. I’ll text
you.
HARUTO
That sounds kind of hot. What are
you gonna text me?
KAREN
Not my vagina. And I thought
we were talking about dinner. How
come you turned
the conversation towards sex?
HARUTO
You’re the one who started up with
all that talk about texting me in
bed. Before that, I was just
discussing what kind of a fight our
parents are gonna get in.
KAREN
They’re not gonna get into a fight.
They’re gonna...
HARUTO
Get along with each other?
KAREN
No.
HARUTO
Not get on each other’s nerves?
20.
KAREN
You’re getting warmer.
HARUTO
Not fight?
KAREN
Well. They’re gonna fight a little
bit.
HARUTO
Because your dad’s gonna start
something.
KAREN
Who says it’s gonna be my dad?
HARUTO
Um. Well. Let me ask you this. How
often does your dad get along with
non-black people?
KAREN
Well. Let’s see. There was this
time he said hi to our white
mailman.
HARUTO
And what did he say after the
mailman left?
KAREN
Um. Something about how white
mailmen steal stamps from black
people, and how the zip code 11225
is racist.
The doorbell rings. Karen walks over to the front door. She
opens it to reveal her Bea and Herm. Herm is holding a cake
box.
BEA
Baby!
Bea walks in and hugs Karen.
HERM
Hi princess.
Herm walks in and hugs Karen. He walks over to Haruto.
21.
HERM
How you doing, Karate?
HARUTO
Uh--my name’s Haruto.
HERM
Haruto, Karate, Roto Rooter,
whatever.
BEA
Now Herm--don’t be rude. Call the
boy by his name.
HERM
OK.
(semi-reluctantly)
Haruto.
(hands him a cake)
Here’s your cake. The most
expensive one they had.
HARUTO
Well thank you for that, Mr. Jones.
Can I get you a drink? The most
expensive one we have?
HERM
I’ll have as scotch and soda. And,
uh, don’t put any seaweed in that.
BEA
(to Haruto)
(friendly)
It’s so nice to see you again,
Karate-toe.
HARUTO
Uh... It’s Har...
The doorbell rings again.
Karen opens it to reveal Li and Soo-Yi.
(Note: Li and Soo-Yi have very thick Japanese accents.)
Li smiles and extends his hand.
LI
Hello Karen.
Karen smiles and shakes his hand.
22.
KAREN
Hi, Mr. Nakamura.
LI
Please--call me Li.
KAREN
OK. Li.
SOO-YI
Karen--how are you?
KAREN
Fine. Please, come on in.
SOO-YI
(hands her a bottle)
We brought you this bottle of saki.
KAREN
Oh. Thank you.
Li sees Haruto. They bow to each other. Haruto then turns to
Soo-Yi. They also bow to each other.
HERM
(quietly to Bea)
What the hell are they doing?
BEA
They’re bowing. It’s an Oriental
thing.
HERM
Well this ain’t the Orient. It’s
Brooklyn.
HARUTO
Mother, father--you remember the
Joneses.
LI
(to Herm and Bea)
(unfriendly)
Yes. Hello.
HERM
Yeah. Origami to you, too.
LI
Origami?
23.
HERM
Yeah. You know. Isn’t that "hello"
in Oriental?
LI
It’s not origami. It’s arigato. And
it means "thank you"--not "hello."
And it’s a Japanese word--not an
Oriental word. And I’m Chinese--not
Japanese.
HARUTO
Dad. You’re Japanese--not Chinese.
LI
But I like correcting him.
HARUTO
Dad. Work with me here, OK?
LI
(to Herm)
I am Japanese. And hello in
Japanese is "konnichiwa." Not
"arigato"--and definitely not
"origami."
HERM
And in English, hello is hello--and
not
(imitates Li’s thick Japanese
accent / pronunciation)
herro.
LI
What. You don’t like my English?
HERM
Who said that? I
(imitates Li’s thick Japanese
accent / pronunciation)
rike-a-yo-Engrish.
LI
(yells at Herm in Japanese)
HERM
What did you say about my mama?
LI
Nothing. I said (repeats what he
said in Japanese).
24.
HERM
What the hell does that mean?
LI
An apple a day keeps the doctor the
away, and I want to punch you in
the face.
HERM
Oh. You want to have a karate
fight?
LI
I will do karate. You will do sumo
wrestling, fatso.
HERM
Who are you calling a fatso? I
weight 204 pounds of pure muscle.
LI
Listen, fat man. Put down the
donuts, and eat an apple a day.
HARUTO
OK! Enough! Can we just sit down
for a second and, you know, have a
few drinks, and have a normal
evening with normal conversations
featuring normal people?
HERM
Well. I’ll be normal if Mr. Origami
here will be normal.
LI
Stop saying origami!
HERM
I can say origami if I want to say
origami. This is a free country.
This isn’t Japan.
LI
Japan is a free country. And you
look like Free Willy--you fat
whale.
HARUTO
Normal! A normal conversation!
Normal. OK?
A few seconds pass.
25.
KAREN
So. Who wants a drink?
BEA
I’ll take a shot of saki.
SOO-YI
And I’ll have a bottle of whiskey.
(Cut to Later)
Everyone is seated at a table with place settings, and half
full plates of mac n’ cheese and/or quinoa and roasted
pepper chili.
HERM
...So, that’s when I told Barack,
"I think you should go into
politics. You know. America might
not vote for a legitimate black
man--but they will vote for a half
black man like you."
SOO-YI
Uh. That’s very interesting, Mr.
Jones.
HERM
Please. Call me Herm.
BEA
Herm. You’ve never met Barack Obama
before.
HERM
Listen, honey. I do a lot of things
you don’t know about.
BEA
I know everything you do.
HERM
You don’t know half as much as you
think you do.
BEA
I know twice as much as you do.
HERM
What the hell do you know about me
that I don’t know about myself?
26.
BEA
Well. I read your blood test
results--so I know that you’re not
getting enough calcium in your
diet. And I also know that you talk
in your sleep about drinking Mai
Tais with Halle Berry.
HERM
Well you don’t have to announce all
of that to the world. It should
stay between me, my blood, and
Halle Berry.
KAREN
Speaking of Halle Berry, did you
know that she’s biracial? As in,
her parents aren’t the same race.
Just like how Haruto and I aren’t
the same race.
HERM
Honey. You don’t know what you’re
talking about. Halle Berry’s
parents are both legitimately
black.
KAREN
Dad. I Googled it. Halle Berry’s
mother is legitimately white.
HERM
I don’t know nothing about no
Google, or Facebook, or dot coms. I
didn’t get to where I am today by
listening to some internets.
LI
Exactly. You got to where you are
today by eating donuts, fat man.
HERM
That’s it, Mr. Origami! It’s karate
time!
HARUTO
No karate! OK?
(to Li)
Dad--stop starting stuff. Let’s
just, uh,
(to Herm)
Mr. Jones--go ahead and tell us
more about how you advised Obama to
run for President.
27.
HERM
What--you don’t believe me?
HARUTO
I believe you.
HERM
It sounds like you don’t believe
me. Admit it, karaoke. You want to
call me the n-word.
KAREN
Dad--stop trying to start a race
war. OK? And my husband’s name
isn’t karaoke. It’s Haruto.
HERM
Well. I’m an American building
super. I’m not a professional
Japanese name pronunciator.
SOO-YI
Uh. Karen--this is delicious.
What’s in it?
KAREN
It’s mostly peppers, zucchini,
beans, tomatoes, and quinoa.
HERM
Quino-what?
KAREN
Quinoa.
HERM
That doesn’t sound too good. Sounds
like the name of those feathers
that Indians put in their hair. I’m
not down with all that quinoa
nonsense.
BEA
Herm. You already ate a whole plate
of that quinoa nonsense.
HERM
That was when I thought it was
normal food, and not Indian
headwear.
28.
INT. KAREN AND HARUTO’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
Haruto, Karen, Harm, Bea, Soo-Yi, and Li are seated at a
table with poker chips.
KAREN
Dad. Why are we playing poker?
HERM
Because this is the Asia-Africa
Olympics--and the event is Texas
Hold ’em. Oh. By the way. I got
some news.
BEA
What news? I don’t know about any
news.
HERM
Exactly. I told you that there are
a lot of things that you don’t know
about me.
(to Everyone)
Now, here’s the news. As you know,
the same company owns my building
and your building. And I’ve done so
many good repairs in my building,
that they’ve hired me to come to
this building from time to time and
do some repairs.
KAREN
Oh. That’s great. Congratulations,
dad.
HARUTO
Yeah. That’s great. I’ve heard
you’re really handy. You know,
we’re actually having a problem
with our toilet...
HERM
Yeah--I don’t start work here until
next week. In the meantime, just
use some Roto Rooter. Just like
your name.
HARUTO
Once again--my name is Haruto. Not
Roto Rooter.
29.
HERM
That’s why I named my daughter
Karen. You can’t confuse that name
with a plumbing supply product.
(to Karen)
Now, Karen. deal the cards.
Karen starts dealing two cards face down to everyone.
HERM
Let me ask you something, Mahuto.
Did you vote for Obama?
HARUTO
No. I don’t vote.
HERM
You don’t vote for black people?
HARUTO
I don’t vote, period.
HERM
Right. Because you’re an illegal
immigrant.
KAREN
Let’s change the subject.
HARUTO
I have a good one. What’s the deal
with white mailmen?
HERM
The deal is, they steal stamps from
black people.
HARUTO
Yeah. I’ve heard.
(Later)
Karen, Bea, and Soo-Yi, and are now watching TV, while
Haruto, Herm, and Li continue to play poker.
SOO-YI
That was an excellent meal, Karen.
I’ve never had mac and cheese
before.
KAREN
I’m glad you like it. It’s my
father’s favorite food.
30.
BEA
Yeah. Herm has it twice a week. On
Tuesdays with me, and on Fridays at
the White House with Obama.
Back at the poker table, each player has two face down
cards, and there are four community cards on the table.
HERM
I’m glad the lady-folk have taken
to watching TV. Poker is a man’s
game. Ain’t that right, Mahoto?
Haruto puts some chips in the pot.
HARUTO
Fifty cents.
Li folds.
Herm puts in some chips.
HERM
Raise to two dollars.
Haruto puts in some chips.
HARUTO
Raise to five dollars.
Herm puts in some chips.
HERM
I call.
Herm deals one more community card. He then puts a lot of
his chips into the pot.
HERM
Ten.
HARUTO
I call.
HERM
... I got nothing.
HARUTO
A pair of Jacks.
HERM
Why’d you call me? Because I’m
black?
31.
HARUTO
No. Because you were bluffing.
HERM
OK. I’ll give you that one. But you
better watch it from now on.
LI
I think Africa is losing the
Olympics.
(Later)
They’re playing a new hand. There are five community cards
on the table, and Harm and Haruto each have two face down
hole cards.
HERM
I check.
Haruto puts some chips in the pot.
HARUTO
Eight.
HERM
I call.
HARUTO
... Good call. I got nothing.
HERM
I knew you were bluffing. I could
see it in your eyes. I had to look
really hard, since your eyes are
Asian--but I saw the bluff in them.
HARUTO
Um. OK.
Herm flips over his hand.
HERM
Pair of tens. Score one for Africa.
(calls over to Bea)
Honey--go start the car. I’m gonna
take all of Hakuna’s money in the
next hand, and then you and me are
gonna take off.
KAREN
Daddy--his name is Haruto, not
Hakuna! He’s not a Disney
character.
32.
HERM
Honey. This is the Asia-Africa
Olympics. Why are you playing for
the Asian team?
KAREN
This isn’t the Asia-Africa
Olympics! There are no teams! It’s
just a married couple and their
four parents having dinner, and
watching TV, and playing poker.
There are no black people and no
Asian people. There are no races.
HERM
Then how come some people in this
room have slanted eyes, and some
people don’t?
KAREN
Daddy!
HERM
I’m just saying. Jerry Tucker is
still single, he still makes
$80,000 a year, and he’s still
black--so how come you’re not
dating him?
KAREN
Oh--I don’t know. Probably because
I’m married to the man I love.
BEA
That’s a good reason, honey.
HERM
That’s not a good reason.
SOO-YI
How is it not a good reason?
HERM
Oh. Now you’re arguing with me? I
thought Asian women weren’t so
confrontational.
LI
You thought wrong.
HERM
Let me ask you something. Don’t you
agree with me that my daughter
(MORE)
33.
HERM (cont’d)should be married to a black man,
and Mento should be married to a
Chinese woman?
LI
My son is Japanese. And his name is
Haruto--not Mento. He’s not a
breath mint.
HERM
You get my point. Wouldn’t you
rather have your son marry someone
with a name like Ming Wa, or Chang
La, or Fing Ma?
LI
What?
HERM
Wouldn’t you rather have your son
marry someone Asian?
LI
Well. I don’t want to comment on
that.
HERM
Because you agree with me.
KAREN
Dad. Look. I get where you’re
coming from with all of this.
HARUTO
You do?
KAREN
Yes.
(to Herm)
Daddy. I really appreciate how you
want me to be with the right guy.
It’s great that you want that, and
you’re willing to insult an entire
race of people repeatedly because
you care so much.
HARUTO
I don’t know if it’s that great,
Karen.
34.
KAREN
It is great. It’s great, honey.
HARUTO
Fine. It’s great.
KAREN
(to Herm)
Daddy--we appreciate having you
here, and we appreciate what you’re
doing.
HARUTO
Wait. Who’s "we?"
KAREN
You and me.
HARUTO
You and me?
KAREN
Yes!
HARUTO
Uh. Right. Yeah. That "we."
KAREN
(to Herm)
So, like I was saying--we
appreciate what you’re doing. But
the thing is, Haruto and I are a
happily married couple, and he’s
the right guy for me, and I’m the
right girl for him--and that’why
there’s no Asia-Africa Olympics
taking place here, and there are no
races here.
HERM
... Fine, honey. OK. All I’m saying
is that Jerry Watson is still in
love with you, he still drives a
Cadillac, and he’s still
legitimately black--so after you
divorce Ching Chong here...
LI
My son is not Ching Chong!
HERM
OK! The poker game’s over! The
Asia-Africa Olympics, event number
two: karate! Let’s do this.
35.
(to Bea)
Honey. Go downstairs and start the
car. I’ll get in after I beat up
Ching Chong, Sr, and after our
daughter divorces Ching Chong, Jr.
LI
(yells in Japanese)
He does some "karate shodowboxing."
HERM
That ain’t nothing. I boxed 15
rounds with Mike Tyson back in 93.
LI
Yes. You, Mike Tyson, and Barack
Obama are best friends.
HERM
(to Bea)
Honey--go start the car!
(Later)
Haruto and Karen are clearing the table. Everyone else is
gone.
HARUTO
So. I thought that went well.
KAREN
Yeah. I mean, the karate fight only
went on for one round. My father
usually fights Chinamen for 15
rounds.
HARUTO
My dad’s Japanese.
KAREN
Chinamen, Japanmen--same thing.
They got the same eyes.
HARUTO
You know. You’re beginning to sound
a little like your father.
KAREN
Honey--I’m just saying. Maybe I
should call up my boyfriend Jerry
Watson.
36.
HARUTO
How about you bring him down here,
and I have a karate fight with him?
KAREN
You know, in all seriousness, I
think my father’s warming up to you
and your family.
HARUTO
Really?
KAREN
Yeah. I mean, in a certain sense.
HARUTO
In what certain sense?
KAREN
You know. I mean, it was almost
like he wanted to tell you,
(in Harm’s voice)
"As far as Chinamen go, y’all three
are alright. I mean, I still want
to kick your ass, Roto Rooter. But
I don’t hate you that much. "
HARUTO
Wow. You really think he was
thinking that?
KAREN
Yeah.
HARUTO
Great. I’m on my way to being your
dad’s favorite Chinaman.
INT. INTERNET COMPANY CAFETERIA - DAY
Haruto and Tim are seated at a table and eating lunch.
TIM
So how did dinner go last night?
HARUTO
Pretty good. Except for how my
father-in-law called me Roto
Rooter, and later, a war broke out
between Africa and Asia.
Jack walks over to their table and sits down.
37.
TIM
(to Haruto)
Roto Rooter?
JACK
(to Haruto?)
What? Did someone call you Roto
Rooter instead of Haruto?
HARUTO
How did you guess?
JACK
A week ago, I was using Roto Rooter
to unclog a pipe, and I started
singing a song. It was like,
(sings)
"Roto Rooter / Roto Rooter / Roto
Rooter / Roto Rooter."
(stops singing)
And then out of nowhere, I was all
like,
(sings)
"Haruto uses Roto Rooter / And
listens to Alice Cooper."
(stops singing)
And then I thought, "You know what
a good nickname would be for
Haruto? Roto Rooter. Since his name
sounds like Roto Rooter." So then a
minute ago, I sat down and heard
Tim say Roto Rooter to you. But he
said it as a question. So I deduced
that you told him how someone
called you Roto Rooter.
HARUTO
I see. That little speech of yours
was both the smartest and dumbest
thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
JACK
So who called you Roto Roter?
HARUTO
My father-in-law.
JACK
Oh. Yeah. Right. You and Karen had
your parents over for dinner last
night. How did that go?
38.
HARUTO
Well. I’ll give you a clue. My
father-in-law called me Roto
Rooter.
JACK
Well. My ex-wife’s father calls me
Jack the Jackass. I think Roto
Rooter is preferable to Jack the
Jackass.
HARUTO
But he’s your ex father in law.
Herm is my father in law--no ex.
JACK
Right. But when my ex-father-in-law
was father-in-law--no-ex, he called
me Jack the Jackoff.
TIM
Is that why you got divorced?
JACK
Yeah. Well, that and I called my
wife Messy Jesse. Oh--and I also
told her, "Get the hell away from
me, you psycho. I want a divorce."
That last one was, like, 95% of it.
HARUTO
Well. I’m not planning to divorce
Karen anytime soon. And apparently,
her father’s gonna be spending a
lot more time around us, now that
he’s the new co-manager of our
apartment building.
TIM
Oh. Well. You know. You’ll figure
out how to deal with him.
JACK
Or, you’ll get a divorce, and your
father-in-law will go from calling
you Roto Rooter, to calling you
Haruto the Jackoff.