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Jean Rhys - Good Morning, Midnight

PART ONE

Quite like old times,' the room says

'!es" No"'

There are t#o $eds, a $ig one %or me and a smaller one on the o&&osite side %or monsieur The#ash-$asin is shut o%% $y a urtain (t is a large room, the smell o% hea& hotels %aint, almost

im&ere&ti$le The street outside is narro#, o$$le-stoned, going shar&ly u&hill and ending in a

%light o% ste&s )hat they all an im&asse

( ha*e $een here %i*e days ( ha*e deided on a &lae to eat in at midday, a &lae to eat in

at night, a &lae to ha*e my drink in a%ter dinner ( ha*e arranged my little li%e

The &lae to ha*e my drink in a%ter dinner)ait, ( must $e are%ul a$out that These things are

*ery im&ortant

+ast night, %or instane +ast night #as a atastro&heThe #oman at the net ta$le started

talking to me - a dark, thin #oman o% a$out %orty, *ery #ell made u& he had the sore o% a song

#ith her and she had $een humming it under her $reath, ta&&ing the aom&animent #ithher %ingers

'( like that song'

'Ah, yes, $ut it's a sad song Gloomy unday' he giggled 'A little sad'

he #as #aiting %or her %riend, she told me

The %riend arri*ed - an Amerian .e stood me another $randy and soda and #hile ( #as drinking

it ( started to ry

( said/ '(t #as something ( remem$ered'

The dark #oman sat u& *ery straight and thre# her hest out

'( understand,' she said, '( understand All the same ometimes ('m 0ust as unha&&y as you are1ut that's not to say that ( let e*ery$ody see it'

2na$le to sto& rying, ( #ent do#n into the la*a$o A %amiliar la*a$o, and lukily em&ty The olddame #as out ide near the tele&hone, talking to a girl



( stayed there, staring at mysel% in the glass )hat do ( #ant to ry a$out" On the ontrary, it's

#hen l am 3uite sane like this, #hen ( ha*e had a ou&le o% etra drinks and am 3uite sane, that (

reali4e ho# luky ( am

a*ed, resued, %ished-u&, hal% dro#ned, out o% the dee&, dark ri*er, dry lothes, hair sham&ooed

and set No$ody #ould kno# ( had e*er $een in it Ee&t, o% ourse, that there al#ays remainssomething !es, there al#ays remains something

Ne*er mind, here ( am, sane and dry, #ith my &lae to hide in )hat more do ( #ant" ('m a $ito% an automaton, $ut sane, surely - dry, old and sane No# ( ha*e %orgotten a$out dark streets,

dark ri*ers, the &ain, the struggle and the dro#ning Mind you, ('m not talking a$out the

struggle #hen you are strong and a good s#immer and there are #illing and eager %riends on the

$ank #aiting to &ull you out at the %irst sign o% distress ( mean the real thing !ou 0um& in #ithno #illing and eager %riends around, and #hen you sink you sink to the aom&animent o% loud

laughter

+a*a$os)hat a$out that monogra&h on la*a$os - toilets - ladies"A +ondon la*a$o in $lak

and #hite mar$le, %i%teen #omen in a 3ueue, eah luthing her &enny, not one $old s&irit daringto dash out o% her turn &ast the stern %aed attendant That's #hat ( all disi&lineThe la*a$o in5lorene and the *ery &retty, %antastially dressed girl #ho rushed in, hugged and kissed the

old dame tenderly and %ed her #ith akes out o% a &a&er $ag The daner - daughter" That

osy little Paris la*a$o, #here the attendant &eddled drugs - something to heala #ounded heart

)hen ( got u&stairs the Amerian and his %riend had gone '(t #as something ( remem$ered,' (

told the #aiter, and he looked at me $lankly, not e*en $othering to laugh at me .is %ae #as

unsur&rised, $lank

That #as last night

( lie a#ake, thinking a$out it, and a$out the money idonie lent me and the #ay she said/ '( an't $ear to see you like this' .al% shutting her eyes and smiling the smile #hih means/ 'he's

getting to look old he drinks'

')e'*e kno#n eah other too long, asha,' she said, 'to stand on eremony #ith eah other'

( had 0ust ome in %rom my little health stroll round Meklen$urgh 3uare and along the Gray's(nn Road ( had looked at this, ( had looked at that, ( had looked at the &eo&le &assing in

the street and at a sho& #indo# %ull o% arti%iial lim$s ( ame in to some$ody #ho said/ '( an't

$ear to see you looking like this'

'+ike #hat"' ( said

'( think you need a hange )hy don't you go $ak to Paris %or a $it"!ou ould get yoursel%

some ne# lothes - you ertainly need them('ll lend you the money,' she said '('ll $e o*er there

net #eek and ( ould %ind a room %or you i% you like 'Etetera, etetera

( had not seen this #oman %or months and then she s#oo&ed do#n on me )ell, here ( am

)hen you'*e $een made *ery old and *ery sane you'*e also $een made *ery &assi*e 6)hy

#orry, #hy #orry"7 ( an't slee& Rolling %rom side to side )as it in 89:; or 89:< that #e



li*ed round the orner, in the Rue =itor->ousin, and Enno $ought me that >ossak a& and the

imitation astrakhan oat" (t #as then that ( started alling mysel% asha ( thought it might

hange my luk i% ( hanged my name ?id it $ring me any luk, ( #onder, alling mysel% asha"

)as it in 89:@ or 89:"

( &ut the light on The $ottle o% E*ian on the $ed ta$le, the tu$e o% luminal, the t#o $ooks, thelok tiking on the ledge, the red urtains

( an see idonie are%ully looking round %or an hotel 0ust like this one he imagines that it's my

atmos&here God, it's an insult #hen you ome to think a$out itB More dark rooms, more

red urtains

1ut one mustn't &ut e*erything on the same &lane That's her great &hrase And one mustn't &ut

e*ery$ody on the same &lane, either O% ourse not And this is my &lane

Quatrieme a gauhe, and mind you don't tri& o*er the hole in the ar&et That's me

There are some $lak s&eks on the #all ( stare at them, ertain they are mo*ing )ell, ( oughtto $e a$le to ignore a %e# $ugs $y this time '(( ne %aut &as mettre tout sur le meme &lan'

( get u& and look losely Only s&lashes o% dirt (t's not the time o% year %or $ugs, any#ay

( take some more luminal, &ut the light out and slee& at one

( am in the &assage o% a tu$e station in +ondon Many &eo&le are in %ront o% meC many &eo&le are $ehind me E*ery#here there are &laards &rinted in red letters/ This )ay to the Ehi$ition, This

)ay to the Ehi$ition 1ut ( don't #ant the #ay to the ehi$ition -( #ant the #ay out There are

&assages to the right and &assages to the le%t, $ut no eit sign E*ery#here the %ingers &oint andthe &laards read/ This )ay to the Ehi$ition( touh the shoulder o% the man #alking in %ront

o% me ( say/ '( #ant the #ay out' 1ut he &oints to the &laards and his hand is made o% steel( #alk along #ith my head $ent, *ery ashamed, thinking/ 'Just like me - al#ays #anting to $edi%%erent %rom other &eo&le' The steel %inger &oints along a long stone &assage This )ay - This

)ay - This )ay to the Ehi$ition

No# a little man, $earded, #ith a snu$ nose, dressed in a long #hite nightshirt, is talkingearnestly to me '( am your %ather,' he says 'Remem$er that ( am your %ather' 1ut $lood is

streaming %rom a #ound in his %orehead 'Murder,' he shouts, 'murder, murder' .el&lessly (

#ath the $lood streaming At last my *oie tears itsel% loose %rom my hest ( too shout/'Murder, murder, hel&, hel&,' and the sound %ills the room ( #ake u& and a man in the street

outside is singing the #alt4 %rom +es alim-$an3ues '>'est ('amour 3ui %lotte dans l'air a la

ronde,' he sings

( $elie*e it's a %ine day, $ut the light in this room is so $ad that you an't $e sure Outside on the

landing you an't see at all unless the eletri light is on (t's a large landing, luttered u& %rommorning to night #ith $rooms, &ails, &iles o% dirty sheets and so %orth - the #rekage o% the

s&etaular %loors $elo#

The man #ho has the room net to mine is &arading a$out as usual in his #hite dressing go#n.anging around .e is like the ghost o% the landing ( am al#ays running into him



.e is as thin as a skeleton .e has a $ird-like %ae and sunken, dark eyes #itha &euliar

e&ression, ringing, ingratiating, kno#ing )hat's he #ant to look at me like that %or" .e is

al#ays #earing a dressing go#n - a $lue one #ith $lak s&ots or the %amous #hite one ( an'timagine him in street lothes

'1on0our'

'1on0our,' ( mutter ( don't like this damned man)hen ( get do#nstairs the &atron tells me that

he #ants to see my &ass&ort ( ha*en't &ut the num$er o% the &ass&ort on the %ihe, he says

This &atron is eatly like one o% the assistants #ho used to $e in the &a#nsho& in the Rue

de Rennes - the one #ho so#led at you and took your stu%% a#ay to $e *alued A %ish, lording it

in his o#n &artiular tank, staring at the #orld outside #ith a glassy and un$elie*ing eye

)hat's #rong #ith the %ihe" ('*e %illed it u& all right, ha*en't (" Name o-and-so, nationality o-

and-so Nationality - that's #hat has &u44led him ( ought to ha*e &ut nationality $y marriage( tell him ( #ill let him ha*e the &ass&ort in the a%ternoon and he gi*es my hat a gloomy,

disa&&ro*ing look ( don't $lame him (t shouts 'Anglaise', my hat And my dress etinguishes

me And then this damned old %ur oat slung on to& o% e*erything else - the last idioy, the lastinongruity

Ne*er mind, ( ha*e some money no# ( may $e a$le to do something a$out it T#el*e o'lok ona %ine autumn day, and nothing to #orry a$out ome money to s&end and nothing to #orry

a$out

1ut are%ul, are%ulB ?on't get eited !ou kno# #hat ha&&ens #hen you get

eited and ealted, don't you" !es And then, you kno# ho# you olla&se

like a &riked $alloon, don't you" .a*ing no staying &o#er !es, eatly o,

no eitement This is going to $e a 3uiet, sane %ortnight Not too muh drinking,a*oidane o% ertain a%es, o% ertain streets, o% ertain s&ots, and e*erything #ill

go o%% $eauti%ully The thing is to ha*e a &rogram me, not to lea*e anything to

hane - no ga&s No trailing around aimlessly #ith hea& gramo&hone reords

starting u& in your head, no '.ere this ha&&ened, here that ha&&ened' A$o*e all, no

rying in &u$li, no rying at all i% ( an hel& it

Thinking all this, ( &ass the eat &lae %or my a%ter dinner drink (t's a a%e on the

A*enue de l'O$ser*atoire, #hih al#ays seems to $e em&ty ( remem$er it like this

$e%ore

('ll go in and ha*e a Pernod Just one, 0ust one, %or luk.ere's to the Mirale, ('llsay, to the Mirale

A man #ho looks like an Ara$ omes in, aom&anied $y a melanholy girl

#earing s&etales

'+i%e is di%%iult,' the Ara$ says



'!es, li%e isn't easy,' the girl says

+ong &ause

'One needs a lot o% ourage, to li*e,' the Ara$ says

'Ah, ( $elie*e you,' the girl says, shaking her head and liking her tongue

They %inish their *ermouth and go out and ( sit alone in a large, lean, em&ty room

and #ath mysel% in the long glass o&&osite, turning o*er the &ages o% an old

num$er o% ('llustration, thinking that ( ha*en't got a are in the #orld, ee&t that

tomorro#'s unday - a di%%iult day any#here om$re ?imanhe

Planning it all out Eating A mo*ie Eating again One drink A long #alk $ak to

the hotel 1ed +uminal lee& Just slee& - no dreams

At %our o'lok net a%ternoon ( am in a inema on the >ham&s Elysees,aording to &rogramm +aughing heartily in the right &laes

(t's a *ery good sho# and ( see it through t#ie )hen ( ome out o% the inema it's

night and the street lam&s are lit ('m glad o% that (% you'*e got to #alk around $y

yoursel%, it's easier #hen the lam&s are lit

Paris is looking *ery nie tonight!ou are looking *ery nie tonight, my

$eauti%ul, my darling, and oh #hat a $ith you an $eB 1ut you didn't kill me a%ter

all, did you" And they ouldn't kill me either

Just a$out here #e #aited %or a ou&le o% hours to see Anatole 5rane's %uneral &ass, $eause, Enno said, #e mustn't let suh a great literary %igure disa&&ear

#ithout &aying him the tri$ute o% a last salute

There #e #ere, hatting a#ay a%%a$ly, &aying Anatole 5rane the tri$ute o% a last

salute, and most o% the &eo&le #ho &assed in the &roession #ere hatting

a#ay a%%a$ly too, looking as i% they #ere making dates %or lunhes and dinners,

and #e #ere all &aying Anatole 5rane the tri$ute o% a last salute

( #alk along, remem$ering this, remem$ering that, trying to %ind a hea& &lae to

eat - not so easy round here The gramo&hone reord is going strong in my head/'.ere this ha&&ened, here that ha&&ened'

( used to #ork in a sho& 0ust o%% this street

( an see mysel% oming out o% the Metro station at the Rond-Point e*ery

morning at hal% &ast eight, #alking along the A*enue Marigny, turning to the le%t



and then to the right, &utting my oat and hat into the loak-room, going along a

&assage and starting in #ith/ 'Good morning, madame .as madame a *endeuse"'

(t #as a large #hite and gold room #ith a dark &olished %loor (mitation +ouis

Quin4e hairs, &ainted sreens, three or %our elongated dolls, $eauti%ully dressed,

#ith harming and maliious o*al %aes

E*ery time a ustomer arri*ed, the ommissionaire touhed a $ell #hih rang

0ust o*er my head ( #ould ad*ane to#ards the three ste&s leading do#n to the

street door and stand there, smiling a small, disreet smile ( #ould say 'Good

a%ternoon, madame - >ertainly, madame,' or 'Good a%ternoon, madame

Mademoiselle Meredes has had your tele&hone message and e*erything is ready,'

or '>ertainly, madame .as madame a *endeuse"

Then ( #ould ondut the ustomer to the %loor a$o*e, #here the real ati*ities o% the sho& #ere

arried on, and all %or Mademoiselle Meredes or Mademoiselle .enriette or Madame Perron,as the ase might $e (% ( %orgot a %ae or allotted a ne# ustomer to a sales#oman out o% her turn, there #as a ro#

There #as no li%t in this sho& That's #hy ( #as there (t #as one o% those dress houses still #ith a

ertain &restige - anyho# among the 5renh - $ut its ustomers #ere getting %e#er and %e#er

( had had the 0o$ %or three #eeks (t #as dreary !ou ouldn't readC they didn't like it ( #ould

%eel as i% ( #ere drugged, sitting there, #athing those damned dolls, thinking #hat a suessthey #ould ha*e made o% their li*es i% they had $een #omen atin skin, silk hair, *el*et

eyes, sa# dust heart - all om&lete ( used to en*y the ommissionaire, $eause at least he ould

#ath the &eo&le &assing in the street On the other hand, he had to stand u& all the time !es,

&erha&s ( had rather $e mysel% than the ommissionaire

There #as al#ays a *ery strong smell o% sent ( #ould &retend that ( ould reogni4e the *arioussents Today it's +'.eure 1leueC yesterday it #as Nuits de >hineThe &lae also smelt o% the

&olish on the %loor, the old %urniture, the dolls' lothes

The sho& had a $ranh in +ondon, and the $oss o% the +ondon $ranh had $ought u& the #holesho# E*ery three months or so he ame o*er to the 5renh &lae and it #as rumoured that he

#as due to arri*e on a ertain day

)hat's he like" Oh, he's the real English ty&e =ery nie, *ery, *ery hi, there al English ty&e, le

$usiness man( thought/ 'Oh, my God, ( kno# no# #hat these &eo&le mean #hen they say the

real English ty&e'

.e arri*es 1o#ler hat, ma0esti trousers, oh-my-God e&ression, ha-ha eyes D ( kno# him at

one .e omes u& the ste&s #ith al*atini $ehind him, looking *ery #orried 6al*atini is the

$oss o% our sho&7 ?on't let him to notie me, don't let him look at me (sn't there something youan do so that no$ody looks at you or sees you" O% ourse, you must make your mind *aant,

neutral, then your %ae also $eomes *aant, neutral - you are in*isi$le



No use .e omes u& to my ta$le

'Good morning, good morning, Miss-'

'Mrs Jansen,' al*atini says

hall ( stand u& or not stand u&" tand u&, o% ourse ( stand u&

'Good morning' ( smile at him

'And ho# many languages do you s&eak"'

.e seems 3uite &leased .e smiles $ak at me A%%a$le, that's the #ord ( su&&ose that's #hy (think it's a 0oke

'One,' ( say, and go on smiling

No#, #hat's ha&&ened"Oh, o% ourse

'( understand 5renh 3uite #ell'

.e %idgets #ith the $uttons on his oat

'( #as told that the ree&tionist s&oke 5renh and German %luently,' he says to al*atini

'he s&eaks 5renh,' al*atini says 'Asse4 $ien, asse4 $ien'

Mr 1lank looks at me #ith li%ted eye$ro#s

'ometimes,' ( say idiotially O% ourse, sometimes, #hen ( am a $it drunk and am talking to

some$ody ( like and kno#, ( s&eak 5renh *ery %luently indeed At other times ( 0ust s&eak it

And as to that, my dear sir, you'*e got e*erything all #rong ('m here $eause ( ha*e a %riend #hokno#s Mr al*atini's mistress, and Mr al*atini's mistress s&oke to Mr al*atini a$out me,

and the day that he sa# me ( #asn't looking too $ad and he #as in a good mood Nothing at all to

do #ith %luent 5renh and German, dear sir, nothing at all ('m here $eause ('m here $eause ('mhere And 0ust to &ro*e to you that ( s&eak 5renh, ('ll sing youa little song a$out it/ 'i

*ous sa*ie4, si *ous sa*ie4, si *ous sa*ie4 ommenta se%ait'

5or God's sake, ( think, &ull yoursel% together

( say/ '( s&eak 5renh %airly #ell ('*e $een li*ing in Paris %or eight years'

No, he's sus&iious no# Questions short and shar&

'.o# long ha*e you $een #orking here"'

'A$out three #eeks'

')hat #as your last 0o$"'

'( #orked at the Maison >hose in the Plae =endeme



'Oh, really, you #orked %or >hose, did you" !ou #orked %or >hose' .is *oie is more res&et%ul

')ere you ree&tionist there"'

'No,' ( say '( #orked as a manne3uin'

'!ou #orked as a manne3uin"'

?o#n and u& his eyes go, u& and do#n '.o# long ago #as this"' he says

.o# long ago #as it" No#, e*erything is a $lank in my head - years, days, hours, e*erything is a

$lank in my head .o# long ago #as it" ( don't kno#

'5our, nearly %i*e, years ago'

'.o# long did you stay there"'

'A$out three months,' ( say

.e seems to $e #aiting %or %urther in%ormation

'And then ( le%t,' ( say in a high *oie 6?eidedly this is one o% my good days This is one o%

the days #hen ( say e*erything right7

'Oh, you le%t"'

'!es, +e%t'

!es, my dear sir, ( le%t ( got $ored and ( #alked out on them 1ut that #as %our, nearly %i*e, years

ago and a lot an ha&&en in %i*e years ( ha*en't the slightest intention o% #alking out on you,( an assure you o% that And ( ho&e you ha*en't the slightest intention o% - And 0ust the thought

that you may ha*e this lightest intention o% - makes my hands go old and my heart $eat

'.a*e you #orked any#here else sine then"'

')ell, no No, ( ha*en't'

'( see,' he says .e #a*es $ak#ards and %or#ards like a tall tree that is going to %all on me Then

he makes a sound like '.ah', and goes o%% into a room at the $ak, %ollo#ed $y al*atini

)ell, this has gone $adly, there's no disguising it (t has gone as $adly as &ossi$le (t ouldn't

ha*e gone #orse 1ut it's o*er No# he'll ne*er notie me againC he'll %orget a$out me

An old English#oman and her daughter ome into the sho& ( esort them u&stairs and then

%idget a$out arranging the sho#ases at the $ak o% the room (n an hour or so they omedo#n again They #alk u& to the sho#ases, the old lady eager, the daughter *ery relutant

'>an you sho# me some o% these &retty things "' the old lady says '( #ant something to #ear in

my hair in the e*ening'

he takes o%% her hat and she is &er%etly $ald on to& - a #hite, $ald skull #ith a %ringe o% grey

hair The daughter stays in the $akground he is &ast shame, detahed, grim



'>ome along, mother, do let's go ?on't $e silly, mother !ou #on't %ind anything here'

There is a long glass $et#een the t#o #indo#s The old lady om&laently tries things on her $ald head

The daughter's eyes meet mine in the mirror ?amned old hag, isn't she %unny" ( stare $ak at

her oldly

( #ill say %or the old lady that she doesn't are a damn a$out all this he &oints to *arious thingsand says/ 'ho# me that - sho# me that' A sturdy old lady #ith gay, $old eyes

he tried on a hair-$and, a &anish om$, a %lo#er A green %eather #a*es o*er her $ald head

he is alm and om&letely unonerned he #as like a Roman em&eror in that last thing shetried on

'Mother, &lease ome a#ay ?o let's go'

The old lady doesn't take the slightest notie, and she has e*erything out o% $oth o% the ases

$e%ore she goes Then/ ')ell,' she says, '('m *ery sorry ('m so sorry to ha*e gi*en you so muhtrou$le'

'(t's no trou$le at all, madame'

As they go to#ards the door the daughter $ursts out A loud, %iere hiss/ ')ell, you made a

&er%et %ool o% yoursel%, as usual !ou'*e had e*ery$ody in the sho& sniggering (% you #ant to

do this again, you'll ha*e to do it $y yoursel% ( re%use, ( re%use'

The old lady does not ans#er ( an see her %ae re%leted in a mirror, her eyes still undaunted $ut

something a$out her mouth and hin olla&sing Oh, $ut #hy not $uy her a #ig, se*eral deentdresses, as muh ham&agne as she an drink, all the things she likes to eat and oughtn't to, a

gigolo i% she #ants one" One last %lare-u&, and she'll $e dead in si months at the outside That'sall you're #aiting %or, isn't it" 1ut no, you must ha*e the slo# death, the $lood less killing thatlea*es no stain on your onsiene

( &ut the ornaments $ak in the ases slo#ly, are%ully, 0ust as they #ere

That $rings me u& to de0euner ( go u&stairs One long ta$le here, the manne3uins and

sales#omen all mied u&

There is, o% ourse, an English manne3uin 'ind, kind and gentle is she' D and that's another

damned lie 1ut she is *ery $eauti%ul - '$elle omme une %leur de *erre' And the other one,

the little 5renh one #hom ( like so muh, she is '$elle omme une %leur de terre'

( still an't get o*er the meal at this &lae ( ha*e $een li*ing %or some time on $read and o%%ee,

and it $lo#s my stomah out e*ery time .ors d'oeu*res, &lat du 0our, *egeta$les, dessert >o%%eeand a 3uarter o% #ine are etra, $ut so little etra that e*ery$ody has them

No$ody talks a$out the English manager - a #ary silene

( go do#nstairs, %eeling da4ed and ha&&y Gradually the ha&&iness goesC ( am 0ust da4ed



al*atini &uts his head out o% the door $ehind me and says/ 'Mr 1lank #ants to see you'

( at one make u& my mind that he #ants to %ind out i% ( an s&eak German All the little German( kno# %lies out o% my head Jesus, hel& meB Ja, 0a, nein, nein, #as kostet es, )ien ist eine sehr

shone tadt, 1uda-Pest auh ist sehr shon, ist shon, mein .err, ih ha$e meinen 1lumen

*ergessen, aus meinen grossen hmer4en, homo homini lu&us, aus meinen grossen hmer4enmah ih die kleinen +ieder, homo homini lu&us 6('*e got that one, any#ay7, aus meinen grossen

hmer4enhomo homini doh re mi %ah soh la ti doh

.e is sitting at the desk, #riting a letter ( stand there .e is sure to notie ho# sha$$y my shoes

are

al*atini looks u&, gi*es me a %urti*e smile and then looks a#ay again

>ome on, stand straight, kee& your head u&, smile

No, don't smile (% you smile, he'll think you're trying to get o%% #ith him ( kno# this ty&e .e

#on't gi*e me the $ene%it o% a shado# o% a dou$t ?on't smile then, $ut look eager, alert,

attenti*eRun out o% the door and get a#ay!ou %ool, stand straight, look eager, alert,attenti*eNo, look here, he's doing this on &ur&oseO% ourse he isn't doing it on &ur&ose

.e's 0ust #riting a letter.e is, he is .e's doing it on &ur&ose ( kno# it, ( %eel it ('*e $een

standing here %or %i*e minutes

This is im&ossi$le

'?id you #ish to see me, Mr 1lank"'

.e looks u& and says shar&ly/ '!es, yes, #hat is it" )hat do you #ant" )ait a minute, #ait a

minute'

At one ( kno# .e doesn't #ant me to talk German, he's going to gi*e me the sak All rightthen, hurry u&, get it o*er

Nothing ( 0ust stand there No# &ani has ome on me My hands are shaking, my heart is

thum&ing, my hands are old 5ly, %ly, run %rom these atroious *oies, these a$omina$le eyes

.e %inishes his letter, #rites a line or t#o on another &iee o% &a&er and &ut sit into an en*elo&e

')ill you &lease take this to the kise"'

Take this to the kise ( look at al*atini .e smiles enouragingly

Mr 1lank rattles out/ '1e as 3uik as you an, Mrs - er - &lease Thank you *ery muh'

( turn and #alk $lindly through a door (t is a la*atory They look sarasti as they #ath megoing out $y the right door

( #alk a little #ay along the &assage, then stand #ith my $ak against the #all

This is a *ery old house - t#o old houses The %irst %loor, the sho& &ro&er, is moderni4ed The

sho#rooms, the %itting-rooms, the manne3uins' room1ut on the ground %loor are the



#orkrooms and o%%ies and do4ens o% small rooms, &assages that don't lead any#here, ste&s

going u& and ste&s going do#n

ise - kise(t doesn't mean a thing to me .e's got me into suh a state that ( an't imagine #hat

it an mean

No#, no &ani This en*elo&e must ha*e a name on it

Monsieur + Grousset ome#here in this $uilding is a Monsieur + Grousset ( ha*e got totake this letter to him Easy ome$ody #ill tell me #here his room is Grousset, Grousset

( turn to the right, #alk along another &assage, do#n a light o% stairs The #orkroomsNo, (

an't ask here All the girls #ill stare at me ( shall seem suh a %ool

( try another &assage (t ends in a la*atory The num$er o% la*atories in this &lae, 'est inoui(

turn the orner, %ind mysel% $ak in the original &assage and ollide #ith a strange youngman .e gi*es me a nasty look

'>ould you tell me, &lease, #here ( an %ind Monsieur Grousset"'

'>onnais &as,' the young man says

A%ter this it $eomes a nightmare ( #alk u& stairs, &ast doors, along &assages- all di%%erent, all

eatly alike There is something *ery urgent that ( must do 1ut ( don't meet a soul and all the

doors are shut

This an't go on hall ( thro# the damned thing a#ay and %orget all a$out it"

')hat you must do is this,' ( tell mysel%/ '!ou must go $ak and say - 3uite almly - F('m *erysorry, $ut ( didn't understand #here you #anted me to take this noteF

( knok .e alls out/ '>ome in' ( go in

.e takes the note %rom my hand .e looks at me as i% ( #ere a dog #hih had &resented him #ith

a *ery, *ery old $one 6ay something, say something7

'( ouldn't %ind him' '1ut ho# do you mean you ouldn't %ind him" .e must $e there'

'('m *ery sorry ( didn't kno# #here to %ind him'

'!ou don't kno# #here to %ind the ashier - the ounting-house"

'+a aisse,' al*atini says - hel&%ully, $ut too late

1ut i% ( tell him that it #as the #ay he &ronouned it that on%used me, it #ill seem rude 1etter not say anything

')ell, don't you kno#"'

'!es, ( do Oh yes, ( do kno#'



That is to say, ( kne# this morning #here the ashier's o%%ie is (t isn't so %ar %rom the &lae

#here #e &ut our hats and oats 1ut ( don't kno# a damned thing no#Run, run a#ay %rom

their eyes, run %rom their *oies, run

)e stare at eah other ( $reathe in dee&ly and $reathe out again

'Etraordinary,' he says, *ery slo#ly, '3uite etra ordinary God kno#s ('m used to %ools, $ut thisom&lete im$eilityThis #oman is the $iggest %ool ('*e e*er met in my li%e he seems to $e

hal%-#itted he's ho&eless)ell, isn't she"' he says to al*atini

al*atini makes a rolling mo*ement o% his head, shoulders and eyes, #hih means/ '( 3uite agree

#ith you ?e&lora$le, de&lora$le' Also/ 'he's not so $ad as you think' Also/ 'Oh, my God,

#hat's all this a$out" )hat a day, #hat a day )hen #ill it $e o*er"' Anything you like,al*atini's shrug means

Not to ry in %ront o% this man Tout, mais &as a ay somethingNo, don't say anything Just#alk out o% the room

'No, #ait a minute,' he says '!ou'd $etter take that note along !ou do kno# #ho to take itto no#, don't you" The ashier'

'!es'

.e stares at me omething else has ome into his eyes .e kno#s ho# ( am %eeling - yes, he

kno#s 'Just a ho&eless, hel&less little %ool, aren't you"' he says

Jo*ial" 1antering" On the sur%ae, yes 2nderneath"

No, ( don't think so ')ell, aren't you"' '!es, yes, yes, yes Oh, yes' ( $urst into tears ( ha*en'te*en got a handkerhie%

'?ear me,' Mr 1lank says 'Allons, allons,' al*atini says '=oyons''

( rush a#ay %rom them into a %itting-room (t is hardly e*er used (t is only used #hen the rooms

u&stairs are %ull ( shut the door and lok it

( ry %or a long time - %or mysel%, %or the old #oman #ith the $ald head, %or all the sadness o% this

damned #orld, %or all the %ools and all the de%eated

(n this %itting-room there is a dress in one o% the u&$oards #hih has $een #orn a lot $y

the manne3uins and is going to $e sold o%% %or %our hundred %rans The sales #oman has &romised to kee& it %or me ( ha*e tried it onC ( ha*e seen mysel% in it (t is a $lak dress #ith

#ide slee*es em$roidered in *i*id olors - red, green, $lue, &ur&le (t is my dress (% ( had $een#earing it ( should ne*er ha*e stammered or $een stu&id

No# ( ha*e sto&&ed rying No# ( shall ne*er ha*e that dress Today, this day, this hour, thisminute ( am utterly de%eated ( ha*e had enough



No# the irle is om&lete No#, strangely enough, ( am no longer a%raid o% Mr 1lank .e is one

thing and ( am another .e kne# me right a#ay, as soon as he ame in at the door And ( kne#

him

( go into the other room, this time #ithout knoking al*atini has gone Mr 1lank is still #riting

letters (s he making dates #ith all the girls he kno#s in Paris" ( $et that's #hat he is doing

.e looks at me #ith distaste Plat du 0our - $oiled eyes, ser*ed old

)ell, let's argue this out, Mr 1lank !ou, #ho re&resent oiety, ha*e the right to &ay me

%our hundred %rans a month That's my market *alue, %or ( am an ine%%iient mem$er o% oiety,

slo# in the u&take, unertain, slightly damaged in the %ray, there's no denying it o you ha*e the

right to &ay me %our hundred %rans a month, to lodge me in a small, dark room, to lothe mesha$$ily, to harisma #ith #orry and monotony and unsatis%ied longings till you get me to the

&oint #hen ( $lush at a look, ry at a #ord )e an't all $e ha&&y, #e an't all $e rih, #e an't all

$e luky - and it #ould $e so muh less %un i% #e #ere (sn't it so, Mr 1lank" There must $e thedark $akground to sho# u& the $right olors ome must ry so that the others may $e a$le to

laugh the more heartily ari%ies are neessary+et's say that you ha*e this mystial right tout my legs o%% 1ut the right to ridiule me a%ter#ards $eause ( am a ri&&le - no, that ( think you ha*en't got And that's the right you hold most dearly, isn't it" !ou must $e a$le to des&ise

the &eo&le you e&loit 1ut ( #ish you a lot o% trou$le, Mr 1lank, and 0ust to start o%% #ith, yours

damned sho&'s going $ust AlleluiaB ?id ( say all this" O% ourse ( didn't ( didn't e*en think it

( say that ('m ill and #ant to go 6Get it in %irst7 And he says he 3uite agrees that it #ould $e

the $est thing 'No regrets,' he says, 'no regrets'

And there ( am, out in the A*enue Marigny, #ith my month's &ay - %our hundred %rans And the

air so s#eet, as it an only $e in Paris (t is autumn and the dry lea*es are $lo#ing along #ing

high, s#ing lo#, s#ing to and %ro

Thinking o% my 0o$s There #as that one ( had in the sho& alled !oung 1ritain &lus H1)

That meant %s @I@ Then another hierogly&hi - Q8Ktn - meant something else, %s 88:K+ittle $oys' sailor suits #ere there, and young gentlemen's Nor%olk suits #ere there )ell, ( got

the sak %rom that in a #eek, and *ery &leased ( #as too

Then there #as that other 0o$ - as a guide tanding in the middle o% the Plaede l'O&era, losingmy head and not kno#ing the #ay to the Rue de la Pai North, south, east, #est - they ha*e no

meaning %or meThey #ant to saunter, this &lum&, &laid lady and her slightly less &laid

daughter They #ant to saunter in the $eauti%ul Paris sunlight, to the Rue de la Pai

( &ull mysel% together and #e get to the Rue de la Pai )e go to the 5renh-English dress sho&s

and #e go to the 5renh-5renh dress sho&s And then they say they #ant to ha*e lunh (take them to a restaurant in the Plae de la Madeleine They are enormously rih, these t#o, the

mother and the daughter 1oth are *ery rih and *ery sad Neither an imagine #hat it is like to

$e ha&&y or e*en to $e gay, neither the mother nor the daughter

(n the restaurant the #aiter suggests &anakes #ith rum saue %or dessert They are strit

teetotallers, $ut they la& u& the rum saue ('*e ne*er seen any$ody's mood hange so 3uikly as

the mother's did, a%ter they had had t#o hel&ings o% it



')hat deliious saueB' They ha*e a third hel&ing Their eyes are s#imming The daughter's eyes

say '>ertainly, ertainly'C the mother's eyes say 'Perha&s, &erha&s'

'(t is strange ho# sad it an $e - sunlight in the a%ternoon, don't you think"'

'!es,' ( say, 'it an $e sad'

1ut the so%tened mood doesn't last

he has o%%ee and a glass o% #ater and is hersel% again No# she #ants to $e taken to the

ehi$ition o% +oie 5uller materials, and she #ants to $e taken to the &lae #here they sell that

German amera #hih an't $e got any#here else outside Germany, and she #ants to $e taken to

a &lae #here she an $uy a hat #hih #ill e&ater e*ery$ody she kno#s and yet $e easy to #ear,and on to& o% all this she #ants to $e taken to a ertain ehi$ition o% &itures 1ut she doesn't

remem$er the man's name and she isn't sure #here the ehi$ition is .o#e*er, she kno#s that

she #ill reogni4e the name #hen she hears it

( try ( 3uestion #aiters, old ladies in la*a$os, girls in sho&s They all res&ond There is a %ree

masonry among those #ho &rey u&on the rih ( manage e*erything, ee&t &erha&s the hat

1ut she sa# through me he only ga*e me t#enty %rans %or a ti& and ( ne*er got another 0o$ as

guide %rom the Amerian E&ress That #as my %irst and last

( try, $ut they al#ays see through me The &assages #ill ne*er lead any#here, the doors #ill

al#ays $e shut ( kno#

Then ( start thinking a$out the $lak dress, longing %or it, madly, %uriously (% ( ould get it

e*erything #ould $e di%%erent u&&osing ( ask o-and-so to ask o-and-so to ask Madame Peron

to kee& it %or me"('ll get the money ('ll get it

)alking in the night #ith the dark houses o*er you, like monsters (% you ha*e money and%riends, houses are 0ust houses #ith ste&s and a %ront door D %riendly houses #here the door o&ens and some$ody meets you, smiling (% you are 3uite seure and your roots are #ell struk

in, they kno# They stand $ak res&et%ully, #aiting %or the &oor de*il #ithout any %riends and

#ithout any money Then they ste& %or#ard, the #aiting houses, to %ro#n and rush No

hos&ita$le doors, no lit #indo#s, 0ust %ro#ning darkness 5ro#ning and leering and sneering, thehouses, one a%ter another Tall u$es o% darkness, #ith t#o lighted eyes at the to& to sneer And

they kno# #ho to %ro#n at They kno# as #ell as the &olieman on the orner, and don't you

#orry

)alking in the night 1ak to the hotel Al#ays the same hotel !ou &ress the $utton The door

o&ens !ou go u& the stairs Al#ays the same stairs, al#ays the same room

The landing is em&ty and deserted At this time o% night there are no &ails, no $rooms, no &iles o%

dirty sheets The man net door has &ut his shoes outside -long, &ointed, &atent leather shoes,*ery raked .e does get dressed, then ( #onder a$out this man Perha&s he is a ommerial

tra*eller out o% a 0o$ %or the moment !es, that's #hat he might $e - a ommis *oyageur Perha&s

he's a tra*eller in dressing go#ns



No#, 3uiet, 3uietThis is going to $e a nie sane %ortnight 'Quiet, 3uiet,'( say to the lok

#hen ( am #inding it u&, and it makes a noise $et#een a $elh and a giggle

The $athroom here is on the ground %loor ( lie in the $ath, listening to the &atronne talking to a

lient .e says he #ants a room %or a young lady %riend o% his Not at one, he is 0ust looking

around

'A room" A nie room"'

( #ath okroahes ra#ling %rom underneath the ar&et and ra#ling $ak again There is a

lo#ered ar&et in this $athroom, t#o old armhairs and a huge #ardro$e #ith a s&otted mirror

'A nie room"' O% ourse, une $elle ham$re, the lient #ants The &atronne says she has a*ery $eauti%ul room on the seond %loor, #hih #ill $e *aant in a$out a month's time

That's the #ay it is, that's the #ay it goes, that #as the #ay it #entA room A nie room A $eauti%ul room A $eauti%ul room #ith $ath A *ery $eauti%ul room #ith $ath A $edroom and

sitting room #ith $ath 2& to the di44y heights o% the suite T#o $edrooms, sitting room, $ath

and *esti$ule 6The small $edroom is in ase you don't %eel like me, or in ase you meetsome$ody you like $etter and ome in late7 Anything you #ant $rought u& on the dinner #agon

61ut, alasB the #aiter has a louse on his ollar )hat is that on his ollar" 1itte shon, mein .err,

$itte shon7 #ing highNo#, slo#ly, do#n A $eauti%ul room #ith $ath A room #ith $athA nie room A room

No#, #hat are they saying" 'Marthe, montre4 le numero dou4e' And the &rie" 5our hundred

%rans a month ( am &aying three times as muh as that %or my room on the %ourth %loor (t sho#sthat ( ha*e ended as a suess%ul #oman, any#ay, ho#e*er ( may ha*e started One look at me

and the &ries go u& And #hen the Ehi$ition is &ulled do#n and the tourists ha*e de&arted,

#here shall ( $e" (n the other room, o% ourse - the one 0ust o% the Gray's (nn Road, as usual

trying to drink mysel% to death

)hen ( get u&stairs the man net door is out on the landing, also yelling %or Marthe .is %lannelnight shit sarely reahes his knees )hen he sees me he grins, omes to the head o% the stairs

and stands there, $loking the #ay

'1on0our >a*a"'

( #alk &ast him #ithout ans#ering and slam the door o% my room ( e&et all this is a 0oke

( e&et he tells his %riend on the %loor $elo#/ 'An English tourist has taken the room netto mine ( ha*e a lot o% %un #ith that #oman'

A girl is making-u& at an o&en #indo# immediately o&&osite The street is so narro# that #e are%ae to %ae, so to s&eak ( an see soks, stokings and underlothes drying on a line in

her room he a*erts her eyes, her e&ression hardens ( reali4e that i% ( #ath her making-u& she

#ill retaliate $y staring at me #hen ( do the same thing ( hal% shut my #indo# and mo*e a#ay%rom it

A terri$le hotel, this - an a#%ul &lae ( must get out o% it Only ( #ould ha*e landed here, only (

#ould stay here



( ha*e 0ust %inished dressing #hen there is a knok on the door (t's the ommis, in his $eauti%ul

dressing go#n, immaulately #hite, #ith long, #ide, hanging slee*es ( #onder ho# he got

hold o% it ome #oman must ha*e gi*en it to him .e stands there smiling his silly smile ( stareat him .e looks like a &riest, the &riest o% some o$sene, hal%-understood religion

At last ( manage/ ')ell, #hat is it" )hat do you #ant"

'Nothing' he says, 'nothing'

'Oh, go a#ay'

.e doesn't ans#er or mo*e .e stands in the door#ay, smiling 6No# then, you and ( understand

eah other, don't #e" +et's sto& &retending7

( &ut my hand on his hest, &ush him $ak#ards and $ang the door (t's 3uite easy (t's like

&ushing a &a&er man, a ghost, something that doesn't eist

And there ( am in this dim room #ith the $ed %or madame and the $ed %or monsieur and the

narro# street outside 6#hat they all an im&asse7, thinking o% that #hite dressing go#n, like a &riest's ro$es 5rightened as hell A nightmare %eeling

This morning the hall smells like a *ery hea& Turkish $ath in +ondon - the sort o% &lae that isgot u& to look res&eta$le and lean outside, the &assage *ery antise&ti and the #oman #ho

meets you a ross $et#een a &rison #ardress and adeaoness, and e*ery$ody s&eaking in

#his&ering *oies #ith lo#ered eyes/ '5oamor Turkish, madam"' And then you go do#n into the

Turkish $ath itsel% and into a %og o% stale s#eat - ten, t#enty years old

The &atron, the &atronne and the t#o maids are ha*ing their meal in a room $ehind the $ureau

They ha*e some %riends #ith them +oud talking and laughingFTu n'oses &as,F 3u'elle m'a ditF1allotBF 3u'elle m'a dit >omment, 0e n'ose &as" =ous alle4 *oir 3ue 0e lui ai dit/ FAttends,

attends, ma ille Tu *as *oir si0e n'ose &asF Alors, *ous sa*e4 e 3ue 0'ai %ait" J'ai' """

.is *oie &ursues me out into the street 'Attends, ma ille, attendsF

('*e got to %ind another hotel ( %eel ill and giddy, ('d $etter take a tai )here to" ( remem$er that

( ha*e an address in my hand$ag, a $rohure #ith &itures +e hall, le restaurant, le lounge,a $edroom #ith $ath, a $edroom #ithout $ath, etetera E*erything o% the most res&eta$le -

that's the &lae %or me

There is a &orter at the door and at the ree&tion desk a grey haired #oman and a sleek young

man

'( #ant a room %or tonight'

'A room " A room #ith $ath"'

( am still %eeling ill and giddy ( say on%identially, leaning %or#ard/ '( #ant a light room'

The young man li%ts his eye$ro#s and stares at me

( try again '( don't #ant a room looking on the ourtyard ( #ant a light room'



A light room"' the lady says &ensi*ely he turns o*er the &ages o% her $ooks, looking %or a light

room

)e ha*e num$er :89,' she says 'A $eauti%ul room #ith $ath e*enty %i*e %rans a night' 6God, (

an't a%%ord that7 '(t's a *ery $eauti%ul room #ith $ath T#o #indo#s =ery light,' she says

&ersuasi*ely

A girl is alled to sho# me the room As #e are a$out to start %or the li%t, the young man says,

s&eaking out o% the side o% his mouth 'O% ourse you kno# that num$er :89 is ou&ied'

'Oh no Num$er :89 had his $ill the day $e%ore yesterday,' the ree&tionist says '( remem$er (

ga*e it to him mysel%'

( listen aniously to this on*ersation uddenly ( %eel that ( must ha*e num$er :89, #ith $ath -

num$er :89, #ith rose olored urtains, ar&et and $ath ( shall eist on a di%%erent &lane at

one i% ( an get this room, i% only %or a ou&le o% nights (t #ill $e an omen )ho says you an'tesa&e %rom your %ate" ('ll esa&e %rom mine, into room num$er :89 Just try me, 0ust gi*e me

a hane

'.e asked %or his $ill,' the young man says, in a *oie #hih is a trium&h o% sorn and yniism

'.e asked %or his $ill $ut that doesn't mean that he has gone'

The ree&tionist starts arguing ')hen &eo&le ask %or their $ills, it's $eause they are going, isn't

it"'

'!es,' he says, '5renh &eo&le The others ask %or their $ills to see i% #e're going to heat them'

'My God,' says the ree&tionist, '%oreigners, %oreigners, my God'

The young man turns his $ak, entirely dissoiating himsel% %rom #hat is going on

Num$er :89 - #ell, no# ( kno# all a$out him All the time they are talking ( am seeing him - histrousers, his shoes, the #ay he $rushes his hair, the sort o% girls he likes .is hand luggage is

light yello# and he has a &aunh

1ut ( an't see his %ae .e #ears a mask, num$er :89

'ho# the lady num$er ;;<'

The lady-like girl - #e are all ladies here, all ladies - takes me u& in the li%t and sho#s me a

om%orta$ly %urnished room #hih looks on to a high, $lank #all

'1ut ( don't #ant a room looking on the ourtyard ( #ant a light room'

'This is a *ery light room,' the girl says, turning on the lam& $y the $ed

'No,' ( say '( mean a light room A light one Not a dark one' he stares at me ( su&&ose ( sound

a $it ra4y ( say/ '!esThank you *ery muh - $ut no'

The ree&tionist do#nstairs ties to sto& me and argue a$out other rooms she has- $eauti%ul

rooms ( say/ '!es, yes, ('ll tele&hone,' and rush out



A $eauti%ul room #ith $ath" A room #ith $ath" A nie room" A room"1ut ne*er tell the truth

a$out this $usiness o% rooms, $eause it #ould $ust the roo% o% e*erything and undermine the

#hole soial system All rooms are the same All rooms ha*e %our #alls, a door, a #indo# or t#o, a $ed, a hair and &erha&s a $idet A room is a &lae #here you hide %rom the #ol*es

outside and that's all any room is )hy should ( #orry a$out hanging my room"

)hen ( get $ak to the hotel a%ter ( ha*e had something to eat, it looks all right and smells as

res&eta$le as you &lease ( imagined it all, ( imagined e*erythingome$ody's Times +iterary

u&&lement &ee&s oyly %rom the letter-rak A #hite-haired Amerian lady and a girl #holooks like her daughter are talking in the hall

'+ook here, look at this .ere's a &ortrait o% Rim$aud Rim$aud li*ed here, it says'

And here's =erlaine?id he li*e here too"'

'!es, he li*ed here too They $oth li*ed here They li*ed here together )ell no#, isn't thatinteresting"'

The ommis is on the landing .e so#ls at me and at one goes into his $edroom and shuts thedoor )ell, that's all right, that's all right (% #e $oth try hard to a*oid eah other, #e ought to $e

a$le to manage it

The room #elomes me $ak

'There you are,' it says '!ou didn't go o%%, then"'

'No, no ( thought $etter o% it .ere ( $elong and here ('ll stay'

.e al#ays alled that $ar the Pig and +ily, $eause the &ro&rietor's name #as Peanelli (t is inone o% those streets at the $ak o% the Mont&arnasse station Got u& to look like an old English

ta*ern ( don't see #hy ( shouldn't re*isitit ( ha*e ne*er made senes there, olla&sed, ried - so%ar as ( kno# ( ha*e a &er%etly lean slate )e used to go there, ha*e a ou&le o% drinks, eat hotdogs and talk a$out the net #ar or something like that Nothing to ry a$out, ( mean

')e"' )ell, he #as one o% those &eo&le #ith *ery long, thin %aes and *ery &ale $lue eyes A%ter

#orking in a Manhester shi&&ing o%%ie until he #as t#enty %i*e, he had $roken a#ay andome to Paris, and #as reading %or his medial degree at the 2ni*ersity A lo*ing relati*e

su&&lied him #ith the money - that #as one story 1ut another #as that he really ke&t going on

money he #on at ards That might ha*e $een true, %or he #as the sort that &lays ards *ery #ell

.e lo*ed &o&ular %airs, this $oy - the Neuilly %air, the Montmartre %air, e*en the merry-go-rounds

at the +ion de 1el%ort - and he had &ain%ully taught himsel% to like musi 1ah, o% ourse, #ashis %a*orite om&oser The others, he said, he &re%erred to read, not to listen to '.eard melodies

are s#eet, $ut those unheard are s#eeter' - that sort o% thing .e #as a $it o% a %ish, really

ometimes he made my $lood run old And in s&ite o% his long, thin %ae, he #asn't sensiti*e

One day he said/ '('ll take you to see something rather interesting' And, #andering along the

streets at the $ak o% the .alles, #e ame to a a%e #here the lients &aid %or the right, not

to ha*e a drink, $ut to slee& They sat lose - &ressed against eah other #ith their arms onthe ta$les, their heads in their arms E*ery &lae in the room #as %illedC others lay along the



%loor )e s3uinted in at them through the #indo#s ')ould you like to go in and ha*e a look at

them"' he said, as i% he #ere ehi$iting a lot o% monkeys '(t's all right, #e an go in - the

ha& here kno#s me There's one %ello# #ho is usually here (% you stand him a %e# drinksand get him really going he tries to eat his glass (t's *ery urious !ou ought to see that'

)hen ( said/ 'Not %or anything on earth,' he thought ( had gone shy or sentimental ')ell,' ( said,'all right ('ll #ath you eating a glass #ith &leasure' .e didn't like that at all

( arri*e thinking o% this $oy, and sre# mysel% u& to go into a room %ull o% &eo&le 1ut the &laeis em&ty - dead as a door-nail There is a ne# &ro&rietor - a %at, $ald man #ith a ?uth nose .e

has only $een here %or t#o years, he tells me

The s&eiality no# is Ja*anese %ood, and the English hunting-senes on the #alls look *eryeotiTally-ho, tally-ho, tally-ho, a-hunting #e #ill goThe old, lear *oies, the old, light

eyesTally-ho, tally-ho, tally-ho

A &arty o% three omes in - t#o men and a girl One o% the men stares at me .esays to the girl/

'Tu la onnais, la *ieille"'

No#, #ho is he talking a$out" Me" (m&ossi$le Me - la *ieille"

The girl says/ 'The English#oman" No, ( don't kno# her )hy should you imagine ( kno# her"'

This is as ( thought and #orse than ( thoughtA mad old English#oman, #andering around

Mont&arnasse 'A Paris il y a des Anglaises, Oah, yes, oah, yes, Aussi &lat's omm' des &unaises,

Oah, yes, oah, yesThis is indeed #orse than ( thought

( stare at the young man .e looks em$arrassed and turns his eyes a#ay Not 5renh

This is indeed #orse than ( thought That's #hat ( #as told #hen ( ame $ak to +ondon that

%amous #inter %i*e years ago ')hy didn't you dro#n yoursel%, the old de*il said, 'in the eine"'(n the eine, ( ask you - $ut that #as 0ust #hat he said A *ery &ro&er sentiment - $ut #hat a #ayto &ut itB Talk a$out $eing melodramatiB ')e onsider you as dead )hy didn't you make a hole

in the #ater" )hy didn't you dro#n yoursel% in the eine"' These &hrases run tri&&ingly o% the

tongues o% the etremely res&eta$le They think in terms o% a sentimental $allad And that's

#hat terri%ies you a$out them (t isn't their ruelty, it isn't e*en their shre#dness - it's their etraordinary nai*ete E*erything in their #hole $loody #orld is a lihe E*erything is $orn out o% a

lihe, rests on a lihe, sur*i*es $y a lihe And they $elie*e in the lihes - there's no ho&e

Then the 0am a%ter the mediine ( shall reei*e a soliitor's letter e*ery Tuesday ontaining

LuLu@KK;;: 8s od A legay, the a&ital not to $e touhed')ho "')hen ( heard ( #as *ery

sur&rised - ( shouldn't ha*e thought she liked me at all '!ou may onsider yoursel% *ery%ortunate,' he said, and #hen ( sa# the e&ression in his eyes ( kne# eatly #hy she did it he

did it to annoy the rest o% the %amilyAnd o% ourse it #as im&ossi$le to tell me o% this $e%ore,

$eause they didn't kno# my address There #as nothing to say to that ee&t/ 'Good$ye, dear sir, and mind you don't tri& o*er the hole in the ar&et'



(t's so like him, ( thought, that he re%uses to all me asha, or e*en o&hie No, it's o&hia, %ull

and grand )hy didn't you dro#n yoursel% in the eine, o&hia"'o&hia #ent do#n #here the

ri*er %lo#ed - )ild, #ild o&hiaF

)ell, that #as the end o% me, the real end T#o &ound ten e*ery Tuesday and a room o% the

Gray's (nn Road a*ed, resued and #ith my &lae to hide in - #hat more did ( #ant" ( re&t inand hid The lid o% the o%%in shut do#n #ith a $ang

No# ( no longer #ish to $e lo*ed, $eauti%ul, ha&&y or suess%ul ( #ant one thing and one thingonly - to $e le%t alone No more &a#ings, no more &ryings - lea*e me aloneThey'll do that all

right, my dear7

'At %irst ( #as a%raid they #ould let gates $ang on my hind3uarters, and ( used to $e ner*ous o% unkno#n &eo&le and &laes' Quotation %rom The Auto$iogra&hy o% a Mare - one o% my %a*ourite

$ooks)e English are so animal onsious )e kno# so instinti*ely #hat the reatures %eel

and #hy they %eel it

(t #as then that ( had the $right idea o% drinking mysel% to death Thirty %i*e &ounds o% the legay

had aumulated, it seemed That ought to do the trik

( did try it, too ('*e had enough o% these streets that s#eat a old, yello# slime, o% hostile &eo&le,

o% rying mysel% to slee& e*ery night ('*e had enough o% thinking, enough o% remem$ering No##hisky, rum, gin, sherry, *ermouth, #ine #ith the $ottles la$elled '?um *i*imus

*i*amus''?rink, drink, drinkAs soon as ( so$er u& ( start again ( ha*e to %ore it do#n

sometimes !ou'd think ('d get delirium tremens or something

Nothing ( must $e solid as an oak Ee&t #hen ( ry

( #ath my %ae gradually $reaking u& - heeks &u%%ing out, eyes getting smaller Ne*er mind

')hile #e li*e, let us li*e,' say the $ottles o% #ine )hen #e gi*e, let us gi*e 1esides, it isn'tmy %ae, this tortured and tormented mask ( an take it o% #hene*er ( like and hang it u& on a

nail Or shall ( &lae on it a tall hat #ith a green %eather, hang a *eil o*er the lot, and #alk a$outthe dark streets so merrily" inging de%iantly '!ou don't like me, $ut ( don't like you either

F?on't like 0am, ham or lam$, and ( don't like roly-&olyF ' inging 'One more ri*er to ross, that's

Jordan, Jordan'

( ha*e no &ride - no &ride, no name, no %ae, no ountry ( don't $elong any#here Too sad, too

sad(t doesn't matter, there ( am, like one o% those stra#s #hih %loats round the edge o%

a #hirl&ool and is gradually suked into the entre, the dead entre, #here e*erything is stagnant,e*erything is alm T#o &ound ten a #eek and a room 0ust o% the Gray's (nn Road

All this time ( am reading the menu o*er and o*er again This used to $e a &lae #here you ouldonly get hot dogs, houroute, =ienna steak, )elsh ra$$it and things like that No#, it's more

am$itious '&eialites Ja*anaises 6&ar &ersonne, indi*isi$les7/ Rysta%el om&let 68@ &lats7, :K,

Rysta%el &etit 68 &lats7,8K, Nassi Goreng, 8: K' The $ak o% the menu is o*ered #ithskethes o% little #omen and 'end more money, send more money' is #ritten o*er and o*er

again This amuses me ( think o% all the telegra&h #ires $u44ing 'end more money' (n s&ite o%

e*erything, the #ires %rom Paris al#ays $u44ing 'end more money



The three &eo&le at the net ta$le are talking a$out horse raing The t#o men are ?uth

( get a &enil out o% my $ag ( #rite in a orner o% the menu 'As-tu om&ris" i, 0'ai om&ris (ho&e you got that !es, ( got it' ( %old the menu u& and &utit in my $ag A little sou*enir

The door o&ens 5i*e >hinese ome in They #alk do#n to the end o% the room in single %ile and

stand there, talking Then they all %ile solemnly out again, smiling &olitely The &ro&rietor mutters %or a $it Then he &retends to arrange the %orks and kni*es on a ta$le near $y, and tells us

that $e%ore they ordered drinks they #anted to see the %ire lighted in the o&en grate, #hih is &art o% the old English atmos&here They #anted to see the %lames dane 5or a long time, he

says, he has kno#n that e*ery$ody in Mont&arnasse is mad, $ut this is the last stra#

'Tous &i3ues,' he says, #ith suh an aent o% des&air, 'tous dingo, tous, tous, tousF

( am not at all sad as ( #alk $ak to the hotel )hen ( remem$er

ho# one #ell-direted 'Oh, my God,' lays me out %lat in +ondon,

( an only mar*el at the e%%et this &lae has on me ( e&et it is $eause the drink is so muh $etterL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNo, (

am not sad, $ut $y the time ( get to the 1oule*ard t Mihel (

am %eeling tired ( ha*e #alked along here so o%ten, %eeling

tired.ere is the %ountain#ith the $eauti%ul &raning horses

There is a ta$a #here ( an ha*e a drink near the net statue,

the 3uinine statueL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arJust then t#o men ome

u& %rom $ehind and #alk along on either side o% me One o%

them says/ 'Pour3uoi tes-*ous si triste"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar!es, ( am sad, sad as a irus-lioness, sad as an eagle

#ithout #ings, sad as a*iolin #ith only one string and that

one $roken, sad as a #oman #ho is gro#ing old ad, sad,

sadOr &erha&s i% ( 0ust said 'merde' it #ould do as #ell

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( don't s&eak and #e #alk along in silene

Then ( say/ '1ut ('m not sad )hy should you think ('m sad"' (s

it a ritual" Am ( $ound to ans#er the same 3uestionin the same#ords"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e sto& under a lam&-&ost to guess

nationalities o they say, though ( e&et it is $eause they #ant

to ha*e a loser look at me They tat%ully don't guess mine Are

they Germans" No andina*ians, &erha&s" No, the shorter one



says they are Russians )hen ( hear that ( at one ae&t their

o%%er to go and ha*e a drink +es Russes - that'll #ind u&

the e*ening nielyL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThere are t#o a%es

o&&osite eah other in this street near my hotel - the one #herethe &ro&rietor is hostile, the one #here the &ro&rietor is neutral (

must$e a $it drunk, $eause ( lead them into the #rong one

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arMy li%e, #hih seems so sim&le and

monotonous, is really a om&liated a%%air o% a%es #here they

like me and a%es #here they don't, streets that are

%riendly, streets that aren't, rooms #here ( might $e ha&&y,

rooms #here ( ne*er shall $e, looking glasses ( look nie in,

looking glasses ( don't, dresses that #ill $eluky, dresses that#on't, and so onL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.o#e*er, $eing a $it

tight, here ( am on the #rong side o% the street in the hostile

a%e Not that it matters, as ( am not aloneL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arOne o% the Russians, the younger, is good looking in a

gentle, melanholy #ay .e is *aguely like the man #ho al#ays

took the s&y-&arts in German %ilms some years ago (t's the

sha&e o% his head The other is short and %air, #ith *ery $lueeyes .e #ears &ine-ne4 .e must $e the more ali*e o% the

t#o, $eause ( %ind mysel% looking at him and talking to him all

the timeL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe usual on*ersation( say

that ( am not sad ( tell them that ( am *ery ha&&y, *ery

om%orta$le, 3uite rih enough, and that ( am o*er here %or t#o

#eeksto $uy a lot o% lothes to startle my %riends - my

many %riends The shorter man, #ho it seems is a dotor, is

#illing to $elie*e that ( am ha&&y $ut not that ( am rih .e has

o%ten notied, he says, that English#omen ha*e melanholy

e&ressions (t doesn't mean anything The other one is

im&ressed $y my %ur oat, ( an see .e is #illing to $elie*e that

( am rih $ut he says again that he doesn't think ( am ha&&y



The short man must $e the more #orldly-#iseC the other one is

like me - he has his %eelings and stiks to them .e is the one

#ho aosted meL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( %eel a great sadness in

you,' he saysL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arTristesse, #hat a nie #ordBTristesse, lointaine, langsam, %orlorn, %orlornL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arNo#, %or goodness' sake, listen to this on*ersation,

#hih, a%ter the seond drink, seems to $e a$out gods

and goddessesL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Madame =enus se %ahera,'

the short one is saying, #agging his %inger at meL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'Oh, herB' ( say '( don't like her any more he's &layed

me too many dirty triks' 'he does that to e*eryone All the

same, $e are%ulL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hat god do they#orshi& in England, #hat goddess"' '( don't kno#, $ut it

ertainly isn't =enus ome$ody #rote one that they #orshi&

a $ith-goddess (t ertainly isn't =enus'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThen #e talk a$out ruelty ( look into the distane #ith

a $lank e&ression and say/ '.uman $eings are ruel - horri$ly

ruel'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Not at all,' the older one ans#ers

irrita$ly, 'not at all That's a *ery short-sighted *ie# .uman $eings are struggling, and so they are egotists 1ut it's #rong to

say that they are #holly ruel - it's a de%ormed *ie#'L&ar L&ard

Lh

That goes on %or a $it and then &eters out No# #e

ha*e disussed lo*e, #e ha*edisussed ruelty, and they sheer o%

&olitis (t's rather strange - the #ay they sheer o% &olitis

Nothing more to $e disussed )ell, #e'll meet again, shan't#e"O% ourse #e shall (t #ould $e a &ity not to meet again,

#ouldn't it")ill ( meet them at the Pekin tomorro# %or lunh" (

ha*e an idea that ( shan't $e %eeling muh like >hinese %ood at

hal% &ast t#el*e tomorro# )e arrange to meet at the ?ome at



%our o'lokL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThey ondut me to the door

o% my hotel The younger one remem$ers that ( ha*e le%t my

menu $ehind - ( had $een sho#ing it to them, the skethes o% the

little #omen and the 'end more money, send more money' - andgoes $ak to get itL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'?on't trou$le ( don't

really #ant it'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut he has gone $e%ore ( an

sto& him ( must kee& this thing (t's %ateL&arL&ard

Lhy&h&arAgain ( lie a#ake, trying to resist a great #ish to go to

a hairdresser in the morning to ha*e my hair dyedL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen ( ome out o% the hotel net morning a little

old #oman sto&s me and asks %or money ( gi*e her t#o %rans

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen she thanks me she looks straight intomy eyes #ith an ironial e&ressionL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAs (

go &ast the $aker's sho& at the orner o% the street she omes out,

#ith along loa% o% $read, smiles at me and #a*es gaily, ( #a*e

$ak 5or a moment ( esa&e %rom mysel% 1ut she disa&&ears

along a side street, eating the loa%, and again ( start thinking

a$out dyeing my hairL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( &ass the (talian

restaurant ( &ass Theodore's (t's a long #ay to the &lae( usually eat at ( hesitate, turn $ak, go in ( had meant to a*oid

Theodore's,$eause he might reogni4e me, $eause he might

think ( am hanged, $eause he might say soL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar( sit do#n in a orner, %eeling uneasyL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar.e hasn't hanged at all .e looks aross the room at

me %rom $ehind the $ar and hal%-smiles .e has reogni4ed

me=ery unlikely 1esides, #hat i% he has, #hat's it matter"

They an't kill you, an they" Oh, an't they, though, an't

they"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arToday ( must $e *ery are%ul, today

( ha*e le%t my armour at homeL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arTheodore's

is more e&ensi*e than most o% the restaurants round here and it

is not *ery %ull ( #ath the girl o&&osite utting u& the meat on



her &late he &rongs a $it #ith her %ork and &uts it into her

om&anion's mouth .e eats, registers &leasure as hard as he

an, &rods round %or the $est $it on his &late and %eeds her #ith

it At any moment you e&et these t#o to start %la&&ing #ingsandhir&ingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThen there's a middle aged

ou&le #ith their na&kins tuked under their hins and a &retty

#oman aom&anied $y her hus$and - hus$and, ( think, not

lo*erL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThese &eo&le all %ling themsel*es at

me 1eause ( am uneasy and sad they all %ling themsel*es at me

larger than li%e 1ut ( an &ut my arm u& to a*oid the im&at and

they slide gently to the ground (ndi*idualists, om&letely

#ra&&ed u& in themsel*es, thank God (t's the etro*ert, &raning around, dying %or a $it o%%un - that's the &erson you'*e

got to $e #ary o%L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( order sole and #hite

#ine ( eat #ith my eyes glued on my &late, the %eeling o% &ani

gro#ing #orse 6( told you not to ome in here, ( told you not

to7L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAt last, o%%ee ( #ish ( #asn't sitting so

%ar %rom the door .o#e*er, it's nearly o*er oon ( shall $e

out in the street again ( %eel $etterL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( light aigarette and drink the o%%ee slo#ly As ( am doing this

t#o girls #alk in - a tall, red haired one and a little, &lum&,

dark one &orts lothes, no hats, EnglishL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arTheodore #addles u& to their ta$le and talks to them

The tall girl s&eaks 5ren

h *ery #ell ( an't hear #hat Theodore is saying, $ut ( #ath his

mouth mo*ingand the huge moon-%ae under the tall he%'s a&

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe girls turn and stare at meL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'Oh, my GodB' the tall one saysL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arTheodore goes on talking Then he too turns and looks



at me 'Ah, those #ere the days,' he saysL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Et

3u'est-e 3u'elle %out ii, maintenant "' the tall girl says, loudly

L&arL&ard Lhy&h&arNo# e*ery$ody in the room is staring at meC

all the eyes in the room are %ied on me (t has ha&&enedL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( am alm, $ut my hand starts shaking so

*iolently that ( ha*e to &ut the o%%ee u& do#nL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'E*ery$ody', Theodore says, 'omes $ak to Paris

Al#ays' .e retires $ehind the $arL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( make a

great e%%ort and look at the tall girl he immediately turns her

eyesa#ay and starts talking a$out %ood - di%%erent #ays

o% ooking hiken The little one hangs on e*ery #ordL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar.er red hair is arranged so are%ully o*er her tinyskull .er *oie is hard and lear Those *oies like uni%orms -

tinny, meaninglessThose *oies that they $randish like

#ea&onsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut #hat languageB >onsidering

the general get-u& #hat you should ha*e said #as/ 'Qu'est-e

3u'elle ihe ii"' >onsidering the general get-u&, surely that's

#hat you should ha*e said )hat language, #hat languageB

)hat #ould ?e$enham 5ree$ody say, and #hat .ar*ey Nihols"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ell, e*ery$ody has had a good

stare at me and a short, disa&&ro*ing stare at the t#o girls, and

e*ery$ody starts eating againL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'AhB 3uelle

&laie, 3uelle &laie, les Anglais,' as the old gentleman in the

>rosde >agnes $us said 1ut a &lague that &ays, my dear, a

&lague that &ays And merrily, merrily, li%e goes on'Quelle

&laie, 3uelle &laie, les Anglais,' he said, sighing so dee&ly

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe #aitress &asses $y my ta$le and ( ask

%or the $illL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'There is still some o%%ee le%t,

madame )ill you ha*e some more"' he smiles at me )ithout

#aiting %or me to ans#er, she &ours #hat remains in the &ot into

my u& he is sorry %or me, she is trying to $e kindL&ar L&ard



Lhy&h&arMy throat shuts u&, my eyes sting This is a#%ul No# (

am going to ry This is the #orst(% ( do that ( shall really ha*e

to #alk under a $us #hen ( get outsideL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(

try to deide #hat olour ( shall ha*e my hair dyed, and hang onto that thought as you hang on to something #hen you are

dro#ning hall ( ha*e it red" hall ( ha*e it $lak" No#, $lak -

that #ould $e startling hall ( ha*e it $lond endre " 1ut $lond

endre, madame, is the most di%%iult o% olours (t is *ery, *ery

rarely, madame, that hair an $e suess%ully dyed $lond endre

(t's e*en harder on the hair than dyeing it &latinum $londe 5irst

it must $e $leahed, that is to say, its o#n olour must $e taken

out o% it - and then it must $e dyed,that is to say, another olour must $e im&osed on it 6Eduated hairAnd then, #hat"7

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( %inish the o%%ee, &ay the $ill and #alk out

( #ould gi*e all that's le%t o%my li%e to $e a$le to &ut out my

tongue and say/ 'One #ord to you,' as ( &ass that girl's ta$le (

#ould gi*e all the rest o% my li%e to $e a$le e*en to stare oldly

at her As it is, ( an't s&eak to her, ( an't e*en look at her ( 0ust

#alk outL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNe*er mindOne day, 3uitesuddenly, #hen you're not e&eting it, ('ll take a hammer %rom

the %olds o% my dark loak and rak your little skull like

an eggshell >rak it #ill go, the eggshellC out they #ill stream,

the $lood, the $rains One day, one daOne day the %iere #ol%

that #alks $y my side #ill s&ringon you and ri& your

a$omina$le guts out One day, one dayNo#, no#, gently,

3uietly, 3uietlyL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arTheodore omes out %rom

$ehind the $ar and o&ens the door %or me .e smiles, his &ig-

eyes t#inkle ( an't make out #hether his smile is maliious

6that goes %or me, too7 or a&ologeti 6he meant #ell7, or only

&ro%essionalL&ar L&ard Lhy&



h&ar)hat a$out the &rogramme %or this a%ternoon " That's

the thing - to ha*e a &lanand stik to it 5irst one thing and then

another, and it'll all $e o*er $e%oreyou kno# #here you areL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut my legs %eel #eak )hat, de%eated

already " urely notNo, not at all 1ut ( think ('ll ross

the road and sit 3uietly in the +uem$ourg Gardens %or a #hile

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arPieing it together, arguing it outL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arAll that ha&&ened #as this/ Theodore &ro$a$ly

said to the girl/ '( think there's a om&atriot o% yours o*er there,'

and the girl said/ 'Oh, my GodB' And then Theodore &ro$a$lysaid/ '( remem$er her he used to ome here a good deal some

years ago Ah, those #ere the days'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAnd

this and that And then the girl said/ 'Qu'est-e 3u'elle %out ii "'

&artly $eause she didn't like the look o% me and &artly $eause

she #anted to sho# ho# #ell she s&oke 5renh and &artly

$eause she thought that Theodore's #as her o#n &artiular

diso*ery 61ut, my dear good lady, Theodore's has $een

ra#ling #ith kindly Anglo-aons %or the last %i%teen years to

my ertain kno#ledge, and&ro$a$ly muh longer than that7 And

that's e*erything that ha&&ened, and #hy get in a state a$out

it"1ut ('m not, ('m not >an ( hel& it i% my heart $eats, i% my

hands go old"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( turn my hair round #ith

its $ak to the &ond #here the hildren sail their $oats No# (

an see nothing $ut the slender, straight trunks o% trees They

lookyoung, these trees This is a gentle &lae - a gentle, %ormal &lae (t isn't sad here, it isn't e*en melanholyL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThe attendant omes u& and sells me a tiket No#

e*erything is legal (% anyone says/ 'Qu'est-e 3u'elle %out ii"' (

an sho# the tiket This is legal( %eel sa%e, luthing it ( an



stay here as long as ( like, &utting t#o and t#o together, 3uite

almly, #ith no$ody to inter%ere #ith meL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar+ast night and today - it makes a &retty good

sentene Qu'est-e 3u'elle %out ii, la *ieille" )hat the de*il6translating it &olitely7 is she doing here,that old #oman" )hat

is she doing here, the stranger, the alien, the old one"( 3uite

agree too, 3uite ( ha*e seen that in &eo&le's eyes all my li%e (

am asking mysel% all the time #hat the de*il ( am doing here All

the timeL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arOld &eo&le &ass and sha$$y

#omen, and e*ery no# and again a gay-looking one, &ainted, in

a $ig %ur oat A man goes $y, strutting like a ok, #heeling a

$ig &ram .e is $uttoned *ery tightly into a $lak o*eroat, hissar% are%ully arranged under a $lue hin Then another

man, #ho looks almost eatly like him, &laying #ith a little girl

#ho an only 0ust #alk .e is shouting at her/ '!ou ha*ea dro&

on your nose' The little girl runs a#ay %rom him shrieking in

delighted%right, and he runs a%ter her, taking small, %ussy ste&s

They disa&&ear into the trees and ( hear him still alling out/

'>ome here, you ha*e a dro& on your nose, you ha*e a dro&on your noseFL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(t's all right ('m not

unha&&y 1ut ( start thinking a$out that kittenL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThis ha&&ened in +ondon, and the kitten $elonged to

the ou&le in the lat a$o*e- a German hairdresser and his

English #i%e The kitten had an in%eriority om&le and

&erseution mania and nostalgie de la $oue and all the rest !ou

ould see it in her eyes, her terri$le eyes, that kne# her %ate he

#as *ery thin, sraggy and hunted, #ith those eyes that kne#

her %ate )ell, all the male ats in the neigh$ourhood #ere on to

her like one o'lok he got a sore on her nek, and the sore on

her nek got #orseL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'?isgusting,' said the

German hairdresser's English #i%eL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'he



ought to $e &ut a#ay, that at' Then the kitten, %eeling #hat #as

in the #ind, ame do#n into my room he rouhed against the

#all, staring at me #ith those terri$le eyes and #ith that $ig sore

on the $ak o% her nek he #ouldn'teat, she snarled at aresseshe 0ust rouhed in the orner o% the room, staring at me A%ter

a $it o% this ( ouldn't stand it any longer and ( shooed her out

=ery relutantly she #ent at %irst, #ith those eyes still staring at

me Andthen like an arro# through the door and do#n the stairs

( thought a$out her all the rest o% that day and in the e*ening (

said/ '( hased that un%ortunate kitten out o% my room

('m #orried a$out her (s she all right"' 'Oh, ha*en't you heard"'

they said 'he got run o*er Mrs Greiner #as going to take her to the hemist's to $e &ut a#ay, and she ran right out into the

street' Right out into the street she shot and a meri%ul tai #ent

o*er herL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( look at mysel% in the glass o%

my hand$ag ( said ( #ould meet the Russian at%our o'lok at

the ?ome .e is one o% those &eo&le #ith $right $lue eyes and

#hat they all a %irm tread .e is sure to $e an o&timistL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e'll sit in the ?ome and talk a$out sanity andnormal human interourse .e'llsay/ 'No, no, not ruelty -

0ust egotism They don't mean it' .e #ill e&lain 0ust #here ('m

#rong, 0ust #here the reasoning has tri&&ed u& Perha&s

L&arL&ard Lhy&h&arThere are hollo#s under my eyes itting on

the terrae o% the ?ome, drinking Pernods and talking a$out

sanity #ith enormous hollo#s under my eyes"L&ar

L&ardLhy&h&ar( hear a lok striking and ount the strokes (t's

%our o'lok 'No, thank you,' ( think, '('m not going #andering

into the ?ome looking like this - no, thank you'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arAt one ( %eel a great regret .e might ha*e said some

thing to om%ort meL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( am em&ty o%

e*erything ( am em&ty o% e*erything $ut the thin, %rail trunks



o% the trees and the thin, %rail ghosts in my room '+a tristesse

*aut mieu 3ue la 0oie'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(n the glass 0ust

no# my eyes #ere like that kitten's eyesL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar (

sit #ithout mo*ing, not unha&&yL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNo# it'sgetting dark No# the gates are shutting 6Qu'est-e 3u'elle %out

ii,la *ieille"7L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arGet u&, get u& Eat, drink,

#alk, marhPour3uoi etes-*ous triste"L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arTomorro# ( must ertainly go and ha*e my hair dyed (

kno# eatly the man ('llgo to .is name is 5eli, $ut ('m not

sure o% the street .o#e*er, i% ( go to the Galeries +a%ayette (

an %ind my #ay %rom thereL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen you go

into the room 5eli is seated at a desk .e has urly hair, asensiti*e %ae, *ery nie hands .e #ears a $lak *el*et 0aket

The om&lete artist - Antoine's only ri*al (n the #indo# o% his

sho& a large &hotogra&h #ith an insri&tion/ 'To Monsieur 5eli,

#ho has ke&t my hair $eauti%ul %or so long - Adrienne' There's

no ho&e o% getting 5eli to attend to me, o% ourse, $ut ( may

ha*e a good assistantL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(t's all right

Tomorro# ('ll $e &retty again, tomorro# ('ll $e ha&&y again,tomorro#, tomorro#L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( get u& into the

room ( $olt the door ( lie do#n on the $ed #ith my %ae in the

&illo# No# ( an rest $e%ore ( go out again )hat do ( are

a$out anything #hen ( an lie on the $ed and &ull the &ast o*er

me like a $lanket " 1ak, $ak,$akL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(

had 0ust ome u& the stairs and ( had to go do#n them again

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No, no, your room's not ready !ou

must ome $ak, ome $ak >ome $ak $et#een i*e and si'

')hat time is it no#"' '(t's hal%-&ast ten'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar '>ourage, ourage, ma &etite dame,' she says 'E*ery

thing #ill go #ell'L&arL&ard Lhy&h&ar( go do#n the stairs

again, luthing the $anisters, ste& $y ste&L&ar L&ard



$akThis has ha&&ened many timesL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar)hat are you" ( am an instrument, something to $e

made use o%L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arhe darts %rom one room to

another, enouraging, soothing, re&roahing 'No#, you're nottrying >ourage, ourage' &eaking her old, old language o%

#ords that are not #ordsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arA rum li%e, #hen

you ome to think o% it ('d hate to li*e it .o#e*er, to her it is

0ust li%eL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arA%ter#ards ( ouldn't slee& (

#ould slee& %or an hour or t#o, and then #ake u&and think

a$out money, money, money %or my sonC money, moneyL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar?o ( lo*e him" Poor little de*il, ( don't kno# i% (

lo*e himL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut the thought that they #illrush him $eause #e ha*e no money - that is tortureL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arMoney, money %or my son, my $eauti%ul son

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( an't slee& My $reasts dry u&, my mouth

is dry ( an't slee& Money, moneyL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar')hyB' she says '>an't you slee&" This #ill ne*er

do, ne*er do'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arhe &ro$a$ly kno#s #hy (

an't slee& ( $et some o% the others here an't either )orryinga$out the same thing 6This is not a hildC this is my

hild Money,money7L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell, #hy an't

you slee&"' she says '?oes he ry, this young man"'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No, he hardly ries at all (s it a $ad sign, that

he doesn't ry"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hy no, not at all

A $eauti%ul, $eauti%ul $a$y1ut #hy an't you slee&"'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arhe has slanting eyes, *ery lear ( like

&eo&le #ith lear, slanting eyes ( an still gi*e mysel% u& to

&eo&le ( like 6Tell me #hat to do .a*e you a solution" Tell me

#hat to do7L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arhe &ats me on the shoulder

and says/ '!ou're #orrying a$out nothing at all E*erything #ill

ome right %or you ('ll send you in a tisan o% orange - %lo#er



#ater, and tonight you must slee&, slee&'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar( an't %eed this un%ortunate $a$y .e is taken out and

gi*en Nestle's milk o,

( an slee&L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe net day she omes in

and says/ 'No# ( am going to arrange that you #ill $e0ust like

#hat you #ere $e%ore There #ill $e no trae, no mark,

nothing'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThat, it seems, is her solution

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arhe s#athes me u& in *ery tight, *ery

unom%orta$le $andages (ntriately she rolls them and ties

them he gi*es me to understand that this is usually an etrahe harges a great deal %or this as a ruleL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'(

do this $etter than anyone in the #hole o% Paris,' she says '1etter

than any dotor, $etter than any o% these &eo&le #ho ad*ertise,

$etter than anyone in the #hole o% Paris'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arAnd there ( lie in these damned $andages %or a #eek

And there he lies, s#athedu& too, like a little mummy

And ne*er ryingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut no# ( like takinghim in my arms and looking at him A lo*ely %orehead,

inredi$ly #hite, the eye$ro#s dra#n *ery %aintly in gold

dustL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ell, this #as a %unny time 6The

$ig $o#l o% o%%ee in the morning #ith a &attern o% red and $lue

lo#ers ( #as al#ays so thirsty7 1ut uneasy, uneasyOught a

$a$y to $e as &retty as this, as &ale as this, as silent as this"

The other $a$ies yell %rom morning to night 2neasyL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen ( om&lain a$out the $andages she says/

'( &romise you that #hen you take them o% you'll $e 0ust as you

#ere $e%ore' And it is true )hen she takes them o% there is not

one line, not one #inkle, not one reaseL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arAnd %i*e #eeks a%ter#ards there ( am, #ith not one



line, not one #rinkle, not one reaseL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAnd

there he is, lying #ith a tiket tied round his #ist $eause he

died in a hos&ital And there ( am looking do#n at him, #ithout

one line, #ithout one #rinkle, #ithout one reaseL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe hair-dresser also ends $y alling me 'Ma

&etite dame'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e re%lets %or some time

a$out my hair, %eels it $e t#een his %ingers Then/ '(n your &lae,

madame, ( shouldn't hesitate 1ut not %or a moment A nie

$lond endre,' he saysL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThat #as 0ust the

right #ay to &ut it '(% ( #ere in your &lae, madame, ( shouldn't

hesitate'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e touhes my hair gently The

smell o% soa&, sent, hair lotion, the sound o% the dryer in thenet u$ile, his %ingers touhing my hair - ( ould go to slee&

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'=ery #ell,' ( say in a sulky *oie 6At it

again, dearie, at it againB7L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arO% ourse ( an't

look on at this o&eration ( read maga4ines - 5eminas,

(llustrations, E*es Then ( start in on the .airdresser, the Art o%

.airdressing, the .airdresser's )eekly and a urious 0ournal,

#ith a large setion alled 'the .i*e' - ans#ers toorres&ondentsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Pierrette >lair de la +une -

No, mademoiselle, your letter is nonsensial !ou#ill ne*er get

thin that #ay - ne*er +i%e is not so easy +i%e, mademoiselle, is

di%%iult At your age it #ill $e *ery di%%iult to get thin 1ut

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Petite Maman - No, Petite Maman, you are

not reason a$le +o*e is one thingC marriage - alasB - is 3uite

another (% you ha*en't %ound that out yet you soon #ill, ( assure

you Ne*ertheless'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNo, mademoiselle, no,

madame, li%e is not easy ?o not delude yoursel*es Nothing is

easy 1ut there is ho&e 6turn to &age K7, and yet more ho&e 6turn

to &age 97L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( am in the middle o% a long

artile $y a lady #ho has had her $reasts li%ted #hen he takes the



dryer o% my headL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'=oila,' he says

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es,' he says, 'a *ery good $lond endre

A suess'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( had e&eted to think a$out

this damned hair o% mine #ithout any let-u& %or days 6(s it allright" (s it not all right "7 1ut $e%ore the tai has got $ak

to Mont&arnasse ( ha*e %orgotten all a$out itL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar

'No longer,' he says, 'no longer ( &re%er to $e as ( am As thingsare no#, ( #ouldn't #ish to $e rih or strong or &o#er%ul (

#ouldn't #ish to $e one o% theguilty ones ( kno# ( am not

guilty, so ( ha*e the right to $e 0ust as ha&&y as( an make

mysel%'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e go on in this strain %or some

time ( #onder #hat on earth he does, #hat he is .e looks like a

&erson #ho is li*ing on a *ery small %ied inome As ( am

thinking this he tells me that he lo*es this &art o% Paris, the

Quartier +atin, $eause he lo*es youth ( look *ery hard at him#hen he says this 1ut he 0ust means that he lo*es youth

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es,' ( say '( lo*e youth too )ho doesn't"

And this is 0ust the &lae, %ull o% &rams, $a$ies and so %orth'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( *ery seldom go to Montmartre,' he says

'( *ery seldom go any#here else This is the &art o% Paris that (

like - the Quartier +atin and Mont&arnasse'L&arL&ard

Lhy&h&ar'ide $y side and oh, so di%%erent'L&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar'.a*e you e*er notied,' he says, 'that #hen you go

%rom one &at o% Paris to another, it's 0ust like going %rom one

to#n to another - e*en %rom one ountry to another"L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arThe &eo&le are di%%erent, the atmos&here is



di%%erent, e*en the #omen dress di%%erently'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar( don't kno# #hy ( don't 3uite like him This gentle,

resigned melanholy - it seems unnatural in a man #ho an't

$e muh o*er thirty, i% so muh as that Or &erha&s it is $eausehe seems more the eho o% a thing than the thing itsel%

One moment ( %eel this, and another ( like him *ery muh, as

i% he #ere the $rother ( ne*er hadL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( say/

'Mont&arnasse is *ery hanged sine ( kne# it %irst, ( an tell

you That #as 0ust a%ter the #ar,' ( say reklessly 6As you lo*e

youth so muh, that'llgi*e you something to think a$out7

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!ou ame here 0ust a%ter the #ar"'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, and ( li*ed here u& to %i*e years ago Then (#ent $ak to England'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, it must $e *ery

hanged, *ery hanged,' he says, &ursing his li&s and nodding

his headL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh, terri$le,' ( say '1ut ( don't

$elie*e things hange muh reallyC you onlythink they do (t

seems to me that things re&eat themsel*es o*er and o*er again'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e says/ '( think you are getting

old, madame !ou are shi*ering )ould you like to go toa &atisserie and ha*e a u& o% hoolate" There is a nie one

near here'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( say/ '('d muh rather go to a

a%e and ha*e a drink'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( ha*e an idea that

he disa&&ro*es o% this, $ut he says/ '!es, ertainly +et'sgo'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( make no mistake this time )e go to the

neutral a%eL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen #e are in a orner #ith

a o%%ee and %ine eah he says/ '?o you kno# #hat ( %eel a$out

you" ( think you are *ery lonely ( kno#, $eause %or a long time

(#as lonely mysel% ( hated &eo&le, ( didn't #ant to see anyone

And then one day ( thought/ FNo, this isn't the #ayF And no# (

go a$out a lot ( %ore mysel% to ( ha*e a lot o% %riendsC ('m ne*er

alone No# ('m muh ha&&ier'L&ar L&ardLhy&h&arThat sounds



&retty sim&le ( must try it #hen ( get $ak to +ondonL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar( say/ '( liked your %riend the other night'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Ah, yes,' he says, shaking his head '1ut he #as

*eed, and he's had $ad ne#s6The o&timist hasn't any moreuse %or me, ( an see that7 '1ut ( ha*e many %riends ('ll

introdue you to all o% them i% you #ish )ill you allo#

me" Then you #ill ne*er $e alone and you'll $e muh ha&&ier,

you'll see'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut do you think they'd like me,

your %riends"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut ertainly A$solutely

yes'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThis young man is *ery om%orting -

almost as om%orting as the hairdresserL&

ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ill you ome along no# and see a %riend o%

mine" .e's a &ainter ( think he is a man you'd like .e's al#ays

gay and he kno#s ho# to talk to e*ery$ody!es, erge

understands e*ery$ody - it's etraordinary' 6And, #hether &rine or

&rostitute, he al#ays did his $est7 'Mais au %ond, *ous sa*e4,

il s'en %ihe detout, il s'en ihe de tout le monde'L&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar.e sounds %ineL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, ('d like to,' (

say '1ut ( an't this a%ternoon ( ha*e to go and $uy a hat'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell, #ould you like to ome tomorro#"'

he says, and #e arrange to meet at %our o'lok the net day

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThere used to $e a good hat sho& in the Rue

=a*in (t doesn't eist any longer( #ander aimlessly along a lot

o% $ak streets #here there aren't any hat sho&sat all And then a

street that is ali*e #ith them - =irginie, Josette, >laudine(

look at the #indo# o% the %irst sho& There is a ustomer inside

.er hair, hal%-dyed, hal%-grey, is *ery dishe*elled As ( #ath

she &uts on a hat, makesa %ae at hersel% in the glass, and takes it

o% *ery 3uikly he ties another - then another .er e&ression



is terri$le - hungry, des&airing, ho&e%ul, 3uite ra4y At any

moment you e&et her to start laughing the laugh o% the mad

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( stand outside, #athing ( an't mo*e .at

a%ter hat she &uts on, makes that %ae at hersel% in the glassand thro#s it o% again )athing her, am ( #athingmysel% as (

shall $eome" (n %i*e years' time, in si years' time, shall (

$e like that"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut she is $etter than the

other one, the smug, #hite, %at, $lak-haired one #ho is o%%ering

the hats #ith a alm, moking e&ression !ou an almost see

her tongue rolling round and round inside her heek (t's

like #athing the de*il #ith a damned soul (% ( must end like

one or the other, may ( end like the hagL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(reali4e that ( an't stay ga&ing in on them any longer and mo*e

o%, *ery muhshaken Then ( remem$er the Russian saying/ '(

didn't ask to $e $ornC ( didn't make the #orld as it isC ( didn't

make mysel% as ( amC ( am not one o% the guilty ones And so

( ha*e a right to' EteteraL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThere are at

least ten milliners' sho&s in this street ( deide to go into thelast

$ut one on the le%t-hand side and ho&e to strike lukyL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe girl in the sho& says/ 'The hats no# are *ery

di%%iult, *ery di%%iult All my lients say that the hats no# are

*ery di%%iult to #ear'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThis is a muh larger

sho& than the other one There is a ruel, rude light o*er the

t#o mirrors and $ehind a long room strething into dimness

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arhe disa&&ears into the dimness and omes

$ak #ith hat a%ter hat, hat a%ter hat, murmuring/ 'All my lients

are om&laining that the hats no# are *ery di%%iult to #ear, $ut

( think -( am sure -( shall manage to suit you'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar(n the glass it seems to me that ( ha*e the

same demented e&ression as the #oman u& the streetL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'My God, not that one'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(



stare sus&iiously at her in the glass (s she laughing at me" No,

( think not ( think she has the e&ression o% someone #hose

&ride is engaged he is determined that $e%ore ( go out o% the

sho& ( shall admit that she an make hats Assoon as ( see thise&ression in her eyes ( deide to trust her ( too $eome 3uite

almL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!ou kno#, ('m $e#ildered Please

tell me #hih one ( ought to ha*e'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'The

%irst one ( sho#ed you,' she says at oneL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'Oh, my God, not that one'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Or

&erha&s the third one'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen ( &ut on the

third one she says/ '( don't #ant to insist, $ut yes - that is

your hat'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( look at it dou$t%ully and

she #athes me - not mokingly, $ut aniouslyL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arhe says/ ')alk u& and do#n the room in it ee

#hether you %eel ha&&y in it ee #hether you'll get austomed

to it'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThere is no one else in the sho& (t is

3uite dark outside )e are alone, ele$rating this etraordinaryritualL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arhe says/ '( *ery seldom insist, $ut

( am sure that #hen you ha*e got austomed to that hat you

#on't regret it !ou #ill reali4e that it's your hat'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar( ha*e made u& my mind to trust this girl, and ( must

trust herL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( don't like it muh, $ut it seems

to $e the only one,' ( say in a surly *oieL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(

ha*e $een nearly t#o hours in the sho&, $ut her eyes are

still 3uite %riendlyL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( &ay %or the hat ( &ut it

on ( ha*e a great desire to ask her to ome and dine #ith me,

$ut ( daren't do it All my s&ontaneity has gone 6?id ( e*er ha*e

any" !es, ( think sometimes ( had - in lashes Any#ay, it's gone

no# (% ( asked her to dine #ith me, it #ould only $e a %ailure7



L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arhe ad0usts the hat *ery are%ully

'Remem$er, it must $e #orn %or#ard and *erymuh on one side

>omme a'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arhe sees me out, still smiling

A strange lient, l'etrangereThe last thingshe says is/ 'All thehats no# are *ery di%%iult All my lients are om&laining'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( %eel saner and ha&&ier a%ter this ( go to a

restaurant near $y and eat a large meal, at the same

time are%ully #ath ing the e%%et o% the hat on the other&eo&le

in the room, omme a No$ody stares at me, #hih ( think is

a good signL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arA man sitting near $y asks

i% he may look at my e*ening &a&er, as he #ants to go to the

inema tonight Then he ties to start a on*ersation #ith me( think/ FThat's all right'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen ( go out

into the Plae de l'Odeon ( am %eeling ha&&y, #hat #ith my ne#

hair and my ne# hat and the good meal and the #ine and the

%ine and the o%%ee andthe smell o% night in Paris ('m not going

to any $eastly little $ar tonight No, tonight ('m going

some#here #here there's musiC some#here #here ( an $e

#ith a lot o% &eo&leC some#here #here there's daning1ut #here" 1y mysel%, #here an ( go" ('ll ha*e one more drink

%irst and then think it outL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNot the ?ome ('ll

a*oid the damned ?ome And, o% ourse, it's the ?ome ( go to

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe terrae is ro#ded, $ut there are not

many &eo&le inside )hat on earth ha*e ( ome in here %or" (

ha*e al#ays disliked the &lae, ee&t right at the start, #hen the

&lush #asn't so res&lendent and e*ery$ody s&at on the %loor (t

#as rather nie thenL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( &ay %or my drink

and go out ( am #aiting to ross the street omeone says/

'Euse me, $ut an ( s&eak to you " ( think you s&eak English'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( don't ans#er )e ross side $y side

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e says/ 'Please allo# me to s&eak to you (



#ish to so muh'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e s&eaks English #ith a

*ery slight aent ( an't &lae it ( look at him and reogni4e

him .e #as sitting at a ta$le in the orner o&&osite to mine

at the?omeL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Please >ouldn't #e go to aa%e and talk"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'O% ourse,' ( say ')hy

not"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell, #here shall #e go"' he says in a

%ussy *oie '!ou see, ( don't kno# Paris #ell ( only arri*ed last

night'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh"' ( sayL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAs

#e #alk along, ( look side#ays at him and an't make him

out .e isn't trying

to si4e me u&, as they usually do - he is ehi$iting himsel%, his

o#n &erson .e is *ery good-looking, ( notied that in

the ?ome 1ut the ner*ousness, the slightly a%%eted laugh

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arO% ourse ('*e got it Oh +ord, is that #hat (

look like " ?o ( really look like a #ealthy dame trotting round

Mont&arnasse in the ho&e o% - A%ter all the trou$le ('*e gone to,

is that #hat ( look like " ( su&&ose ( doL&ar L&ard Lhy&h

4yL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( listen to his story, #hih is that he

0oined the 5oreign +egion, #as in Moroo %or three years,

%ound it im&ossi$le to $ear any longer, and esa&ed through

&ain - 5rano &ain Just esa&ed %rom the 5oreign+egion+a +egion, +a +egion EtrangereL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'( had enormous luk, or ( ouldn't ha*e done it ( got to

Paris last night ('m at a hotel near the Gare d'Orsay'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'(s it as $ad as they say, the +egion"'L&ar L&ard



Lhy&h&ar'Oh, they tell a lot o% lies a$out it 1ut ('d had

enough!ou don't $elie*e me, do you" !ou don't $elie*e

anything ('m telling you 1ut it's al#ays #hen a thing sounds not

true that it is true,' he saysL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arO% ourse (kno# that!ou imagine the are%ully - &runed, sha&ed thing

thatis &resented to you is truth That is 0ust #hat it isn't The

truth is im&ro$a$le, the truth is %antastiC it's in #hat you think is

a distorting mirror that you see the truthL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'('ll tell you one thing ( don't $elie*e ( don't $elie*e

you're a 5renh->anadian'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Then #hat do

you think ( am"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'&anish &anish-

Amerian"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e $links and says to himsel%/'Elle n'est &as si $ete 3ue a' )ell, that might mean anything

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'(t's a#%ully old here,' ( say, 'too old

to stay any longer'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No, &lease Please don't

go, you mustn't go Or, i% you #ish, let's go some#here else 1ut

( must talk to you'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.is *oie is so urgent

that ( $egin to %eel eas&eratedL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut, my

dear %riend, ( don't kno# #hat you think ( an do Peo&le#ho are in trou$le #ant someone #ith money to hel& them (sn't

it so" )ell, ( ha*en't got any money'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe

orners o% his mouth go do#n They all say thatL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar( #ant to shout at him '( ha*en't got any money, (

tell you ( kno# #hat you're0udging $y !ou're 0udging $y my

oat !ou oughtn't to 0udge $y my oat !ou ought to 0udge $y

#hat ( ha*e on under my oat, $y my hand$ag, $y my

e&ression, $y anything you like Not $y this damned oat,

#hih #as a &resent - and the onlyreason ( ha*en't sold it long

ago is $eause ( don't #ant to o%%end the &erson #ho ga*e it to

me, and $eause i% you kne# #hat you really get #hen you try

to sell things it #ould gi*e you a shok, and $eause - 'L&ar



L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ell, there you are - no use arguing ( an see he

has it %irmly %ied in his head that ('m a rih $ith and that i% he

goes on long enough ( an $e &ersuaded to &artL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'1ut it isn't money ( #ant,' he says 'Really it isn'tmoney )hat ( ho&ed #as that #e ould go some#here #here

#e ould $e 3uite alone ( #ant to &ut my head on your $reast

and &ut my arms round you and tell you e*erything !ou kno#,

it'sstrange, $ut that's ho# ( %eel tonight ( ould die %or that -

a #oman #ho #ould &ut her arms round me and to #hom (

ould tell e*erythingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar >ouldn't #e go

some#here like that"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No, #e an't,' ( say

'(m&ossi$le'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell,' he says, ae&ting thisalmly, 'i% you #on't do that, ( thought &erha&s you ould hel&

me a$out my &a&ers !ou see, ( ha*e no &a&ers, no &ass&ort

That's 0ust #hy ('m in trou$le The slightest aident and ('m

%inished ( ha*e no &a&ers 1ut i% ( ould get a &ass&ort, ( #ould

go to +ondon ('d $e sa%e there ( ould get in touh

#ith %iends'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( say/ 'And you think ( an

hel& you to get a &ass&ort" ( " Me " 1ut #ho do youthink ( am "This must $e one o% my good nights'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAt

this moment ( %ind e*erything so %unny that ( start laughing

loudly .e laughs tooL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( an't stay on this

damned terrae any longer (t's too old'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e

ra&s on the #indo# and, #hen the #aiter omes, &ays %or the

drinks 'No#, #he

re shall #e go"' .e &uts his arm through mine and says, in

5renh/ 'No#, #here"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ell, #hat harm an

he do to me" .e is out %or money and ( ha*en't got any,

( am in*ulnera$leL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThere #e are, arm in



arm, outside the >loserie des +ilas and #hen ( think o% myli%e it

seems to me so omial that ( ha*e to laugh (t has taken me a

long time to see ho# omial it has $een, $ut ( see it no#, ( do

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!ou must tell me #here to go,' he says,'$eause ( don't kno# Paris'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( take him to

the a%e #here ( go most nights - the &lae that is al#ays

em&tyThis is the %irst time that ( ha*e seen him in a $right light,

lose $y (t is also the %irst time that, on these oasions,

( ha*en't ared in the least #hat the man thinks o% me, and am

only urious to see #hat he looks likeL&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar.e

doesn't look like a gigolo - not my idea o% a gigolo at all 5or

instane, his hair is rather untidy 1ut, nie hairL&ar L&ardLhy&h&arAnother $randy and soda ( su&&ose all this money

that he is s&ending on me is the s&rat to ath a #haleL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arThe #aiter, gi*ing him hange, $rings out o%

his &oket the most etraordinary olletion o% small money

Piees o% t#enty %i*e entimes, o% ten, o% %i*e - theta$le is

o*ered #ith them )hen he has slo#ly olleted it all one

more, he goes into the orner o% the room, takes o% his shoes andstarts leaning themL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( say/ 'This is my

sort o% &lae - this hi, gay &lae ?o you like it"'L&arL&ard

Lhy&h&ar'No, ( don't like it, $ut ( understand #hy you ome here

('m not al#ays so %ond o% human $eings, either'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar)ell, here's another #ho isn't as stu&id as all thatL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e says/ '!ou kno#, that #aiter - he #as 3uite

sure #e lo*ed eah other and #ere going to $e *ery

ha&&y tonight .e #as en*ying us'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, (

e&et he'll stay a#ake all night thinking o% it +ike hell he

#ill'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e looks disonsolate, tiredC as i% he

#ere thinking/ 'No good E*erything's got to $e started all

o*er again' Poor gigoloBL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( say/ 'A$out your



&a&ers - there are &eo&le here #ho sell %alse &ass&orts (t an $e

done'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( kno# ('m in touh #ith some$ody

already'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hat, and you only got here last

nightB !ou ha*en't #asted muh time'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No,and ('d $etter not, either'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e is in some sort

o% trou$le ( kno# that look ( #ant *ery muh to om%ort him -

to say something to heer him u&L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( like les

mau*ais garons,' ( say .e smiles '( kno# eatly #hat you

#ant,'( say '!ou #ant some$ody *ery rih and *ery hi'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es,' he says, 'yes, that's #hat #ould 0ust

suit me And $eauti%ul'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut, my dear,

you're not going to %ind that at the ?ome'L&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar')here shall ( go, then" )here shall ( %ind all that"'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Rit4 1ar,' ( say *aguelyL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arA%ter this ( start my &iee ( tell him my name, my

address, e*erything .e says his name is Rene, and lea*es it at

that ( say ( am sik o% my hotel and #ant to lea*e it and %ind

a lat or a studioL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e is on the alert at one

'A studio" ( think ( ould get you eatly the &lae you #ant'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( am not so drunk as all thatL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'( thought you said you'd 0ust esa&ed %rom the 5oreign

+egion and only got to Paris last night and #ere going a#ay

again as soon as you ould'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hy should

that &re*ent me %rom trying to get you a studio i% you

#ant one"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar

6+et it &ass, dearie, let it &ass )hat's it matter"7L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'>an ( take you $ak to your hotel"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'!es, $ut it's too %ar to #alk ( #ant a tai'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e sit in the tai in silene At the orner o% the



street #e get out ( let him &ay 6o muh the #orse %or you

That #ill teah you to si4e u& your ty&es a $it $etter7L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'+et's ha*e one more drink,' he saysL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e #alk u& the street, trying to %ind a &lae that iso&en E*erything seems to$e shutC it is &ast t#el*e )e go along

the Rue t Ja3ues hand in hand ( am no longer sel%-onsious

.and in hand #e #alk along, s#inging our arms uddenlyhe

sto&s, &ulls me under a lam&&ost and stares at me The street is

em&ty, the lights in the $ars are outL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'.ey,

isn't it a $it late in the day to do this"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e

says/ 'Mais 'est om&letement %ou (t's halluinating )alking

along here #ith you, ( ha*e the %eeling that ('m #ith a - 'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ith a $eauti%ul young girl"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'No,' he says ')ith a hild'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNo# (

ha*e had enough to dink, no# the moment o% tears is *ery near (

say/ ')ell, nothing's o&en E*erything's shut ('m going home'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e looks u& at the door o% my hotel

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'>an ( ome u& to your room"'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No, you an't'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell, an (ome $ak in a little #hile and get a room here mysel% and then

ome to see you"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar6The &atronne saying/

'+'Anglaise has &iked u& some one .a*e you seen"'7

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No, don't ome here ( shall $e a#%ully

*eed i% you ome here Please don't'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'O%

ourse ( #on't i% you ask me not to,' he says Tat%ul ')hat

a$out the hotel net door" Perha&s ( ould get a room there'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arPART T)OL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAll the

same, at three o'lok ( am dressing to meet the Russian

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e is #aiting .e says his %iend erge is

e&eting us '+e &eintre,' he alls himL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(

suggest taking a tai $ut he seems horri%ied at the ideaL&ar



L&ard Lhy&h&ar 'No, no )e'll go $y $us (t's 3uite near (t's only a

%e# minutes a#ay' '>ouldn't #e #alk, then"' 'Oh yes, #e ould

#alk (t's 0ust o% the A*enue d'Orleans, a$out %i*e minutes' #alk'

'(t's more than %i*e minutes,' ( argue '(t's more like hal% anhour'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&aroon no# it #ill $e #inter There

are hardly any lea*es on the trees and the man outside the

+uem$ourg Gardens is selling roast hestnutsL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar )e stand at the end o% a long 3ueue No $usL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'?o let's take a tai' '=ery #ell (% you like,' he

says un#illingly '1ut theman #ill $e *ery *eed at ha*ing to go

suh a short distane - Plae ?en%et-Rohereau, the Metro,' he

says to the dri*er - '(t #on't $e %ar to #alk %rom there' '1utouldn't #e go straight to the &lae #here your %riend li*es"'

'No, ( don't kno# the name o% the street' '!ou don't kno# the

name o% the street"' 'No,('*e ne*er notied it'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen ( see ho# aniously he is #athing the

meter ( am sorry ( insisted on taking the tai All the same,

( should ha*e dro&&ed dead i% ( had tried to #alk this distane

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'?o let me &ay, $eause it #as ( #hoinsisted'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut he has got the money in his

hand already and is ounting it outL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e

takes my arm and #e #alk along '(t's 0ust a minute, it's 0ust

a minute,' hekee&s sayingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)alking to the

musi o% +'Arlesienne, remem$ering the oat ( #ore then - a

$lak

and #hite hek #ith $ig &okets

)e ha*e 0ust &assed the hotel ( li*ed in That #as the high s&ot

- #hen ( had nothing to eat %or three #eeks, ee&t o%%ee and a



roissant in the morningL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( sle&t most o% the

time Pro$a$ly that #as #hy it #as so easy (% ( had had togo

a$out a lot ( might ha*e %elt #orse ( got so that ( ould slee&

%i%teen hours out o% the t#enty %ourL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arT#ie (said ( #as ill, and they sent me u& sou& #ith meat in it %rom

do#nstairs, and ( ould get an oasional $ottle o% #ine on tik

%rom the sho& round the orner (t #asn't star*ation at all #hen

you ome to think o% it till, ('m notsaying that there #eren't

some urious momentsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arA%ter the %irst #eek

( made u& my mind to kill mysel% - the usual #hi%% o%

hloro%orm Net #eek, or net month, or net year ('ll kill

mysel% 1ut ( might as #ell last out my month's rent, #hihhas $een &aid u&, and my redit %or $reak%asts in the morning

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'My hild, don't hurry !ou ha*e eternity in

%ront o% you' he used to say that sarastially, ister Marie -

Augustine, $eause ( #as so slo# 1ut the &hrasestayed #ith me

( ha*e eternity in %ront o% me oon ('ll $e a$le to do it, $utthere's

no hurry Eternity is in %ront o% meL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar2sually, in the inter*al $et#een my a%ternoon slee& andmy night slee& ( #ent %or a #alk, turned u& the 1oule*ard

Arago, #alked to a ertain s&ot and turned $ak And one

e*ening ( #as #alking along #ith my hands in the &okets

o% my oat and my head do#n This #as the time #hen ( got

in the ha$it o% #alking #ith my head do#n( #as #alking

along in a dream, a ha4e, #hen a man ame u& and s&oketo me

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThis is unho&ed-%or (t's also 3uite

un#anted )hat ( really #ant to do is to go %or my usual #alk,

get a $ottle o% #ine on tik and go $ak to the hotel to slee&

.o#e*er, it has ha&&ened, and there you are +i%e is urious

#hen it is redued to its essentialsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ell,

#e go into the >a%e 1u%%alo )ill ( ha*e a little a&eriti%" (



ertainly #ill T#o Pernods arri*eL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( start

thinking a$out %ood >houroute, %or instane - you ought to $e

a$le toget houroute garnie here +o*ely sausage, lo*ely

&otato, lo*ely, lo*ely a$$ageMy mouth starts #atering*iolently ( drink hal% the glass o% Pernod in order to s#allo#

on*ena$lement And then ( %eel like a goddess (t might ha*e

made me sik, $ut it has done the other thingL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThe orhestra #as &laying +'Arlesienne, ( remem$er so

#ell ('*e 0ust got to hear that musi no#, any time, and ('m $ak

in the >a%e 1u%alo, sitting $y that man And the musi going

hea*ily And he's talking a#ay a$out a %riend #ho is so rih that

he has his &hotogra&h on the $ands o% his igars Amad on*ersationL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'One day', he says, '( too

#ill $e so rih that ( shall ha*e my &hoto on the $ands o% the

igars ( o%%er to my %riends That is my am$ition'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar)ill ( ha*e another little Pernod" ( ertainly #ill

ha*e another little Pernod65ood" ( don't #ant any %ood no#

( #ant more o% this %eeling - %ire and #ings7L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThere #e are, 0a$$ering a#ay as i% #e had kno#n eahother %or years .e reads me a letter that he has 0ust had %rom a

girlL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hat's the matter #ith it" (t seems

to me a letter any man ought to $e &roud toha*e All a$out

%rissons and s&asms and un3uestiona$le reussites 6>heri,

heri, ra&&elles-tu 3ue7 A testimonial, that letter isL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut the snag is at the end, as usual The girl #ants

a ne# &air o% shoes and she is asking %or three hundred %rans

to $uy them >heri, you #ill remem$er the un%orgetta$le hours

#e &assed together and not re%use me #hen ( tell you that my

shoes are 3uite #orn out ( am ashamed to go into the street

The *alet de ham$re kno#s that there are large holes in $oth

my shoes Really, ( am ashamed to $eso &oor ( stay all the time



in my room And so, heri, etetera, etetera, eteteraL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e is he#ing and he#ing o*er this letter

'( don't $elie*e it,' he says '(t's all a lie, it's a snare, it's a tra&

This girl, you understand, is a liar )ha

t she #ants is three hundred %rans to gi*e to her ma3uereau

)ill ( gi*e her three hundred %rans %or her ma3uereau" No, (

#on't ( #ill notAll the same,'he says, '( an't $ear to think o%

that &oor little one #ith holes in her shoes That an't $e

amusing, #alking a$out #ith your %eet on the groundL&ar

L&ardLhy&h&ar'No, it isn't amusing,' ( say 'Es&eially on a rainyday'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar ')ell, #hat do you think" ?o

you think this letter an $e genuine" )hat do you think "'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arE*ery #ord has $een he#ed o*er $y

the time #e ha*e %inished our seond drinkL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'1esides,' he says, 'e*en i% it is genuine, ( mustn't send

the money at one That #ould ne*er do (% she thought she had

only to ask, to ha*e - that #ould ne*er do No, no, ( must kee&her #aiting'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar>he#, he#, he#L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No ( think she's lying'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAll

the time he is staring at me, si4ing me u& .e has his hand on

my knee under the ta$leL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e is not a

Parisian .e li*es in +ille .e is staying at a %riend's lat, he says,

and it's a *ery nie lat )ill ( ome along there and ha*e a little

&orto")ell, #hy not"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hat does this

man look like" ( don't remem$er ( don't think ( e*er looked

at him ( remem$er that he had *ery small hands and that he

#ore a ring #ith a $luestone in itL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e get

out into the street And, o% ourse, *lung - %irst $reath o% %resh air

and ('m so drunk ( an't #alkL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'.e la,' he



says ')hat's the matter" .a*e you $een daning too muh"'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'All you young #omen,' he says, 'dane too

muh Mad %or &leasure, all the young &eo&leAh, #hat #ill

ha&&en to this a%ter-#ar generation" ( ask mysel% )hat #illha&&en" Mad %or &leasure1ut #e'll take a tai'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar)e ross the road unsteadily and stand under a sikly

to#n-tree #aiting to signal a tai ( start to giggle .e runs his

hand u& and do#n my armL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( say/ '?o you

kno# #hat's really the matter #ith me" ('m hungry ('*e had

hardly anything to eat %or three #eeks'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'>omment"' he says, snathing his hand a#ay ')hat's

this you're relating"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'>'est *rai,' ( say,giggling still more loudly '(t's 3uite true ('*e had nothing to eat

%or three #eeks' 6Eaggerating, as usual7L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arAt this moment a tai dra#s u& )ithout a #ord he gets

into it, $angs the door and dri*es o%, lea*ing me standing there

on the &a*ementL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAnd did ( mind" Not

at all, not at all (% you think ( minded, then you'*e ne*er li*ed

like that, &lunged in a dream, #hen all the %aes are masksand only thetrees are ali*e and you an almost see the strings

that are &ulling the &u&&ets >lose-u& o% human nature - isn't

it #orth something"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( e&et that man

thought 5ate #as ons&iring against him - #hat #ith his

girl's shoes and me #anting %ood 1ut there you are, i% you're

determined to get &eo&le on the hea&, you shouldn't $e so

sur&rised #hen they &ith you their o#n little story o% misery

sometimesL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(n the middle o% the night

you #ake u& !ou start to ry )hat's ha&&ening to me" Oh, my

li%e, oh, my youthL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThere's some #ine le%t

in the $ottle !ou drink it The lok tiks lee&L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arPeo&le talk a$out the ha&&y li%e, $ut that's



the ha&&y li%e #hen you don't areany longer i% you li*e or

die !ou only get there a%ter a long time and many mis %ortunes

And do you think you are le%t there" Ne*erL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arAs soon as you ha*e reahed this hea*en o% indi%%erene, you are &ulled out o% it 5rom your hea*en you

ha*e to go $ak to hell )hen you are dead to the #orld, the

#orld o%ten resues you, i% only to make a %igure o% %un out o%

youL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar)alking to the musi o% +'Arlesienne( %eel %or

the &okets o% the hek oat, and ( am sur&rised #hen ( touhthe %ur o% the one ( am #earingPull yoursel% together, dearie

This is late Oto$er, 89;, and that old oat had its lastouting a

long time agoL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e go u& the stairs o% a

$lok o% studios into a large, em&ty, old room, #ith masks on

the #alls, t#o old armhairs and a straight $aked #ooden hair

on #hih is #ritten 'Merde' The ans#er, the %inal ans#er,

to e*erything"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe %riend is a Je# o% a$out%orty .e has that moking look o% the Je#, the look that an $e

so hate%ul, that an $e so attrati*e, that an $e so sadL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e kee&s &utting $its o% sre#ed-u& ne#s&a&er

into the sto*e '(t #on't $urn (t's in a $ad mood today ('ll get

tea,' he says 'The #ater #ill $e $oiling soon'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar')est A%rian masks"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es,

straight %rom the >ongo( made themL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'This one isn't $ad'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e takes it

do#n and sho#s it to me The lose set eye holes stare into

mine (kno# that %ae *ery #ellC ('*e seen lots like it, om&lete

#ith legs and $odyL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThat's the #ay they

look #hen they are saying/ ')hy didn't you dro#n yoursel%



in the eine "' That's the #ay they look #hen they are saying/

'Qu'est-e 3u'elle%out ii, la *ieille"' That's the #ay they

look #hen they are saying/ ')hat's this story"' Peering at you

)ho are you, any#ay" )ho's your %ather and ha*e you got anymoney, and i% not, #hy not" Are you one o% us" )ill you think

#hat you're told to think and say #hat you ought to say" Are

you red, #hite or $lue - 0elly, suet &udding or ersat4 a*iare"

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arerge &uts some $eguine musi, Martini3ue

musi, on an old gramo&hone in the orner and asks #hether ('d

like to daneL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No, ('d rather #ath you'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e holds the mask o*er his %ae and danes

'To make you laugh,' he says .e danes *ery #ell .is thin,ner*ous $ody looks strange, surmounted $y the hideous mask

?elmar, *ery serious and orret, la&s his hands in time to the

musiL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar6.a*e you $een daning too muh"7

'?on't sto&' 6Mad or &leasure, all the young&eo&le7 'Please don't

sto&' The gramo&hone is grinding out 'Maladie d'amour,

maladie de la 0eunesse'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( am lying in

a hammok looking u& into the $ranhes o% a tree The sound o% the sea ad*anes and retreats as i% a door #ere $eing o&ened and

shut All day there has $een a %iere #ind $lo#ing, $ut at sunset

it dro&s The hills look like louds and the louds like %antasti

hillsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arPain o% lo*e, Pain o% youth, )alk

a#ay %rom me, ee& a#ay %rom me, ?on't #ant to see you No

more, no moreL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThen #e talk a$out Negro

musi and a$out *arious $oites in Mont&arnasse The .igh$all"

No, the .igh$all isn't nie any more (t's a dirty &lae no# Oh,

is it"!es, it is No$ody goes there no# 1ut the >u$an >a$in in

Montmatre, that's 3uite good !ou might like that They

&lay *ery #ell there (t's gayL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( am talking

a#ay, 3uite almly and sedately, #hen there it is again - tears



inmy eyes, tears rolling do#n my %ae 6 sa*ed, resued, $ut not

3uite as good asne#7L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('m so sorry ('m

suh a %ool ( don't kno# #hat's the matter #ith me'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh, madame, oh, madame,-' ?elmar says, '#hydo you ry"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('m suh a %ool Please don't

take any notie o% me Just don't take any notie and ('ll $e all

right'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut ry,' le &eintre says '>ry i%

you #ant to )hy shouldn't you ry" !ou're #ith %riends'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'(% ( ould ha*e a drink'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar

r she #as #ith on the to& %loor E*ery$ody in the house kne#

she #asn't marriedto him, $ut it #as e*en #orse that she #asn't

#hite he said that e*ery time they looked at her she ould

see ho# they hated her, and the &eo&le in the streets looked at

her in the same #ay At %irst she didn't mind - she thought it

omial 1ut no# she had got so that she #ould do anythingnot to see &eo&le he told me she hadn't $een out, ee&t a%ter

dark, %or t#o years )hen she said this (had an etraordinary

sensation, as i% ( #ere looking do#n into a &it (t #as

the e&ression in her eyes ( said/ F1ut this monsieur you are

li*ing #ith, #hat a$out him"F FOh, he is *ery Anglihe, he says

( imagine e*erythingF ( asked i% he didn't %ind it strange that

she ne*er #ent out 1ut she said No, he thought it3uite naturalhe talked %or a long time a$out this monsieur (t seemed that

she stayed #ith him $eause she didn't kno# #here else to go,

and he stayed #ith her $eause he liked the #ay she ooked All

this sounds a little ridiulous, $ut i% you had seen this #oman



you'd understand #hy it is ( ha*e ne*er $een a$le to %orget her (

said to her/ F?on't let yoursel% get hysterial, $eause i% you do

that it's the endF 1ut it #as di%%iult to s&eak to her reasona$ly,

$eause ( had all the time this %eeling that ( #as talking tosomething that #as no longer 3uite human, no longer 3uite

ali*e'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'(t's a *ery sad story,' ( say '('m sure

you #ere kind to her'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut that's 0ust it (

#asn't he told me that that a%ternoon she'd %elt $etter and

#anted to go out %or a #alk FE*en though it #asn't 3uite dark,F

she saidOn the #ay out she had met the little girl o% one o% the

other tenants This house #as one o% those that are let o% in

%loors There #ere se*eral %amilies li*ing in itL&ar L&ardLhy&h&arhe said to the little girl/ FGood a%ternoonF(t #as a

long story, and o% ourse, as ( said, ( ouldn't understand

e*erything she said to me 1ut it seemed that the hild had told

her that she #as a dirty #oman, that she smelt $ad, thatshe

hadn't any right in the house F( hate you and ( #ish you #ere

dead,F the hild said And a%ter that she had drunk a #hole $ottle

o% #hisky and there she #as, outside my door )ell, #hat anyou say to a story like that" ( kne# all thetime that #hat she

#anted #as that ( should make lo*e to her and that it #as

the only thing that #ould do her any good 1ut alas, ( ouldn't

( 0ust ga*e her #hat #hisky ( had and she #ent o%, hardly a$le to

#alkThere #ere t#o other #omen in the house There #as

one #ith a shut, thin mouth and a %at one #ith a $ordel laugh (

must say ( ne*er heard them s&eaking to the Martini3uaise, $ut

theyhad ruel eyes, $oth o% them( didn't muh like the #ay

they looked at me, either1ut &erha&s all #omen ha*e ruel

eyes )hat do you think"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( say/ '( think

most human $eings ha*e ruel eyes' That rosy, #ooden,

innoentruelty ( kno#L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hen ( &assed her



on the stairs net day ( said good morning, $ut she didn't ans#er

meOne ( sa# the hild &utting her tongue out at the &oor

reature Only se*en or eight, and yet she kne# so eatly ho#

to $e ruel and #ho it #as sa%e to $e ruel to One must admire Nature( got an astonishing hatred o% the house a%ter that

E*ery time ( #ent in it #as as i% ( #ere #alking into a #all -one

o% those #alls #here &eo&le are $uilt in, still ali*e ('*e ne*er

%orgottenthis eriously, all the time ( #as in +ondon, ( %elt as i%

( #ere $eing su%%oated, as i% a large derriere #as sitting on

me'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell, some &eo&le %eel that #ay and

other &eo&le, o% ourse, don't (t all de&ends'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'1ut it's si o'lok,' he says '( ha*e someone ( must seeat si o'lok )ould you mind i% ( lea*e you here #ith my

%riend, and he #ill sho# you e*erythingPlease stay ('ll $e $ak

in an hour 1ut ( must go no# ( &romised, and ( shall $e already

hal% an hour late =ous etes he4 *ous'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arA

dialogue #ith ?elmar as to the $est #ay to get to this &lae,

#hih seems to $e in the Rue du 1a .e turns at the door

and, #ith the moking e&ression *erya&&arent, says somethingin Russian At least, ( su&&ose it's RussianL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar?elmar &uts on a %ee$le light in the middle o% the room,

then omes u& to me and

, in a hesitating #ay, takes my hand and kisses it Then he kisses

my heekL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hen you ried ( #as so sad'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( kiss him T#o loud, meaningless kisses,

like a 5renh general #hen he gi*es adeoration Nie $oy

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hat did he say $e%ore he #ent out"'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'.e said that i% you didn't #ant to $uy a

&iture you needn't $uy one No$ody e&ets you to'L&ar



L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh, $ut ( do ( a$solutely #ant one'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ait, ( kno# ho# #e an arrange it, so that you

an really see the &itures'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThere are a lot

o% em&ty %rames staked u& against die #all ?elmar arrangesthem round the room and &uts the an*ases one $y one into

them The an*ases resist They url u&C they don't #ant to go

into the %rames .e &ushes and &rods themso that they go in

and stay in, in some sort o% %ashionL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Ought

#e to do this" )hat #ill he say #hen he omes $ak"'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar 'Oh, it doesn't matter (t's all right ( #ant you to

$e a$le to see them'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen he has %inished

&itures are &ro&&ed u& on the %loor round three sides o% theroomL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No# you an see them,' he says

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, no# ( an see them'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar( am surrounded $y the &itures (t is astonishing ho#

*i*id they are in this dim lightNo# the room e&ands and the

iron $and round my heart loosens The mirale has ha&&ened (

am ha&&yL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar+ooking at the &itures, ( go

o% into a *ague dream Perha&s one day ('ll li*e again round theorner in a room as em&ty as this Nothing in it $ut a $ed and

alooking glass Getting the sto*e lit at a$out t#o in the a%ternoon

- the old and the sto*e %ighting eah other +ying near the sto*e

in om&lete &eae, ha*ingsome $read #ith &ate s&read on it,

and then ha*ing a drink and lying all the a%ternoon in that em&ty

room - nothing in it $ut the $ed, the sto*e and the looking glass

and outside Paris And the dreams that you ha*e, alone in an

em&ty room,#aiting %or the door that #ill o&en, the thing that is

$ound to ha&&enL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(t is a%ter se*en #hen

erge omes $ak .e rushes in, &anting/ '('m sorry ('m late' .e

talks to ?elmar in Russian (s he saying/ ')ell, #as she any

good"' oris he saying/ ')ill she $uy a &iture and is she going to



&ay u&"' The last, ( think - the tone #as $usinesslikeL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'( #ant *ery muh to $uy one o% your &itures - this

one'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(t is an old Je# #ith a red nose,

&laying the $an0oL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'The &rie o% that is sihundred %rans,' he says '(% you think it's too muh#e'll arrange

some other &rie'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAll his harm and ease o%

manner ha*e gone .e looks anious and surly, ( say

a#k#ardly/ '( don't think it at all too muh 1ut ( ha*en't got the

money'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1e%ore ( an get any %urther

he $ursts into a shout o% laughter ')hat did ( tell you"' he says

to ?elmarL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut ha*e it, take it, all the same

( like you ('ll gi*e it you as a &resent'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No,no All ( meant #as that ( an't &ay you no#'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'Oh, that's all right !ou an send me the money %rom

+ondon ('ll tell you #hat you an do %or me - you an %ind

some other idiots #ho'll $uy my &itures' )hen he says this, he

smiles at me so gently, so disarmingly The touh o% the human

hand('d %orgotten #hat it #as like, the touh o% the human

handL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('m serious ( mean that Take the &iture and send me the money #hen you an'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'( an let you ha*e it tonight'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e

argue %or some time as to #here #e shall meetL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar

'( an't stand Mont&arnasse no#,' he says FThose %aes, those

gueulesB They make me sik ome#here in the Quartier +atin'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e deide on the >a&oulade at hal% &ast ten

.e rolls u& the &iture in tissue &a&er, ties it round #ith a $it o%

sting and ( take it under my arm Then he gi*es my hand a long,

hard shake and says 'Amis'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen he



shakes my hand like that and says 'Amis' ( %eel *ery ha&&y

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e get out into the ourtyard, ?elmar and

( (t is a *ery old, lear night The outer door is shut 1usiness

#ith the oniergeL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNo# ( am not thinkingo% the &ast at all ( am #ell in the &resentL&ar

L&ardLhy&h&ar'>a&oulade - hal% &ast ten'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThe &itures #alk along #ith me The missha&en

d#ar%s 0uggle #ith huge oloured$alloons, the %our $reasted

#oman is ehi$ited, the old &rostitute #aits ho&elessly outside

the urinoir, the young one under the $e de ga4L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arAt ten t#enty %i*e - still %airly ealted - ( am in the

>a&oulade ( #ait %or a3uarter o% an hour, t#enty minutes No$ody turns u&1on, $ien, that's #hat you get %or $eing

ealted, my girl 1ut the &roteti*e armour is %untioning all

right - ( don't mind at allL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( am 0ust

#orrying a$out the #ay ( am going to gi*e this man his money (

an't#rite, $eause ( don't remem$er the num$er o% the

house hall ( &ush it under the door o% his studio and trust to

luk"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAs ( am thinking this ?elmar omesin >orret, glo*es in his le%t hand 'Oh, ('m so sorry, so sorry

( #aited at the studio %or le &eintre %or hal% an hour and he ne*er

turned u& ( didn't kno# #hat to do ( thought it #as $etter to

ome here ('*e $een so #orried a$out it'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'That's all right (t doesn't matter at all' ( gi*e him the

en*elo&e #ith the moneyL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(s there a losing

o% the eyes, a slightly relie*ed e&ression on his %ae" !es, (

think so And #hy not" .a*e a heart )hy not"L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar.o#e*er, he does seem annoyed - so %ar as he an $e

annoyed, #hih isn't *ery %ar .ere is someone #ho %irmly

$elie*es in his o#n reed/ '( didn't ask to $e $orn, ( didn't ask to

$e &ut into the #orld, ( didn't make mysel%, ( didn't make the



#orld as it is, ( am a guiltless one o ( ha*e the right,' etetera,

etetera, eteteraL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'+e &eintreB' he says '(l

est %ou, le &eintre?id you like him"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es,

( liked him *ery muh'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e lays his glo*esare%ully do#n on the ta$le ')ill you ha*e a o%%ee, madame"'

'No, ('ll ha*e a $randy, &lease'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e looks

anious, orders the $randy and a o%%ee %or himsel% God, this is

a#%ulBL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'+e &eintre,' he says, 'he's mad (

don't kno# #hy he has $een so im&olite, $utit's 0ust #hat he

#ould doL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1eause he's mad !ou kno#,

t#o years ago, this man, he #as li*ingTeri$le+a rasse,

madame( said to him/ F!ou an't go on li*ing like thisF FJem'en %ous,F he said.o#e*er, ( talked to him and in the end he

managed to get the money to gi*e his ehi$ition And

his &itures #ere $ought !es, they #ere $oughtEighteen

thousand %rans >'est inoui', une somme &areilleAnd then

he did mo*e .e #ent to this $eauti%ul, res&eta$le room #here

you sa# himAllthe same he is mad'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e

goes on talking a$out le &eintre ( gather that he is im&ressed $ut 0ealous.e an't see the attration )hy, #hy"L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'o you liked him"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, ( did

=ery muh'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Ah,' he says, gloomily, '*oila

All the same, ('*e had enough o% these &eo&le o% the etreme

+e%t They ha*e $ad manners Moi, 0e suis

monarhisteAnd, mind you, #hen he says he is o% the etreme

+e%t, it's all nonsense .e doesn't really are'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar

'O% ourse he doesn't'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, yesMoi, 0e

suis monarhiste A 3ueen, %or instane, a &riness - thatmust $e

something'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(% he %eels like that, #hat's the



use o% arguing #ith him"( agree #ith e*erything A 3ueen, a

&riness - that's somethingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen he asks i%

( an meet him again/ ')ell, ('ll try,' ( say '1ut ('m *ery muh

ou&ied'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( an't stand this $usiness o% not $eing a$le to ha*e #hat ( #ant to drink, $eause he #on't allo#

me to &ay and ertainly doesn't #ant to &ay himsel% (t's

too #earingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('m lea*ing Paris net #eek

ooner than ( thought'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ill ( let him kno#

#hen ( am going, so that he an ome to the Gare du Nord tosee

me o%"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, &lease do (t #ould $e so nie

i% you #ould (t's sad to go a#ay %rom a &lae #ith no$ody to

tell you good-$ye'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen ( am $ak inmy room ( start #orrying a$out him and the money he has

s&enton me And then ( think/ '( $et he'll get his &erentage on

that si hundred %rans Or &erha&s he #on't hand the

money o*er at all' This idea makes me laugh all the time ( am

undressingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)andering a$out the narro#

streets near the PantheonL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(t starts to rain

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( go into a ta$a The #oman at the $ar gi*es me one o% those looks/ )hat do you #ant here, you" )e

don't ater %or tourists here, not our lientele)ell, dear

madame, to tell you the truth, #hat ( #ant here is a drink - (

rather think t#o, &erha&s threeL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(t is old

and dark outside, and e*erything has gone out o% me ee&t

miseryL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'A Pernod,' ( say to the #aiter

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e looks at me in a sly, amused #ay #hen

he $rings itL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arGod, it's %unny, $eing a

#omanB And the other one - the one $ehind the $ar - isshe going

to giggle or to say something a$out me in a *oie loud enough

%or me to hear " That's the #ay she's %eelingL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arNo, she says nothing1ut she says it allL&ar



L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ell, that's O, here madame, and *ery niely

done too !ou'*e said nothing $ut you'*e said it all Ne*er

mind, her ( am and here ('m going to stayL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar1ehind my ta$le is a door Toilette - they needn't ha*esaid so And then another, smaller door er*ie ( hear noises o%

#ashing u& going on $ehind this doorL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arA%ter a #hile a girl omes out, #ith a tray &iled #ith

lean glasses he lea*es the door o&en (nside, a sink, a ta& and

more dirty glasses and &lates, #aiting to $e #ashed There is 0ust

room %or the girl to stand An un$elie*a$le smell omes %rom the

sinkL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&are &asses me #ithout looking at me

1are, sturdy legs, %elt sli&&ers, a $lak dress, a %ilthy a&ron,thik, urly, untidy hair ( kno# her This is the girl #ho does all

the dirty #ork and gets &aid little %or it alutL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arhe goes into the room $ehind the $ar, &uts the glasses

do#n, #alks $ak to theu&$oard and shuts hersel% in .o# does

she manage not to knok her el$o#s e*ery time she mo*es"

.o# an she stay in that o%%in %or %i*e minutes

#ithout %ainting"orry %or her" )hy should ( $e sorry%or her" .asn't she got sturdy legsand urly hair" And don't her

strong hands sing the Marseillaise" And #hen the re*olution

omes, #on't those $e the hands to $e kissed" )ell, so Monsieur

Rim$aud says, doesn't he" ( ho&e he's right ( #onder though, (

#onder, ( #onderL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( all the #aiter, to &ay

( gi*e him a large ti& .e looks at it, says 'Meri', and then

'Meri $eaou&' ( ask him to tell me the #ay to the nearest

inema This, o% ourse, - arises %rom a ringing desire to

e&lain my &resene in the &lae ( only ame in here to in3uire

the #ay to the nearest inema ( am a res&eta$le #oman, une

%emme on*ena$le, on her #ay to the nearest inema 5aites

omm



e les autres - that's $een my motto all my li%e 5aites omme les

autres, damn youL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAnd a lot he ares - (

ould ha*e s&ared mysel% the trou$le 1ut this is my attitude toli%e Please, &lease, monsieur et madame, mister, missis and

miss, ( amtrying so hard to $e like you ( kno# ( don't sueed,

$ut look ho# hard ( tryThree hours to hoose a hatC e*ery

morning an hour and a hal% trying to make mysel% look like

e*ery$ody else E*ery #ord ( say has hains round its anklesC

e*ery thought ( think is #eighted #ith hea*y #eights ine (

#as $orn, hasn't e*ery #ord ('*e said, e*ery thought ('*ethought, e*erything ('*e done, $een tied u&, #eighted, hained"

And, mind you, ( kno# that #ith all this ( don't sueed Or (

sueed in %lashes only too damned #ell1ut think ho# hard (

try and ho# seldom ( dare Think - and ha*e a $it o% &ity That

is, i% you e*er think, you a&es, #hih ( dou$t No# the #aiter

has %inished telling me ho# to get to the nearest inema

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Another Pernod,' ( sayL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e $rings it .e %ills my glass almost to the $rim,

&erha&s in antii&ation o% another ti&, &erha&s $eause he #ants

to see me drunk as soon as &ossi$le, or &erha&s $eause the

$ottle sli&&edL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe girl omes out #ith the

last lot o% glasses ('m glad (t has 0ust ourredto me that i%

( #eren't here the door o% her o%%in might $e ke&t o&en Might

$e Not that ( #ould ha*e gone a#ay i% it had ourred to me

$e%ore )hy should (" The hands that sing the Marseillaise, the#orld that ould $e so di%%erent - #hat's all that to me" )hat

an ( do a$out it" Nothing ( don't deei*e mysel%L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThat's settled ( an start on the seond PernodL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arNo# the %eeling o% the room is di%%erent They all



kno# #hat ( am ('m a #oman ome in here to get drunk

That ha&&ens sometimes They ha*e a dink, these #omen, and

then they ha*e another and then they start rying silently And

then they go into the la*a$o and then they ome out - &o#dered, $ut #ith hollo# eyes - and, head do#n, slink into the street

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Poor #oman, she has tears in her eyes'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hat do you e&et" Elle a $u'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThat's it, here madame, ('m drunk ( ha*e drunk

There's nothing to $e done a$out it no# ( ha*e drunk 1ut

other#ise 3uiet, %ear%ul, tamed, &re&ared to gi*e $ig ti&s 6('ll

gi*e a $ig ti& i% you'll lea*e me alone7 1on, $ien, $ien, $on

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arometimes some$ody omes in %or stam&s,or a man %or a drink Then you an see outside into the street

And the street #alks in (t is one o% those streets - dark,

&o#er%ul, magialL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh, there you are,' it

says, #alking in at the door, 'there you are )here ha*e you

$een all this long time"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNo$ody else

kno#s me, $ut the street kno#s meL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'And

there you are,' ( say, %inishing my Pernod and rather drunk'alut, salutB' 61ut sometimes it #as sunny)alking along in

the sun in a gay dress, stri&ed red and $luei #on't #alk along

that street again7L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe >inema ?anton

)athing a good young man trying to resue his em&loyer

%roma merenary mistress The em&loyer is a gay, $ad old $oy

#ho manu%atures toilet artiles The good young man has

the a#k#ardness, the smugness, the shyness, the &athos o% good

young men .e interru&ts intimate on*ersations, knoking

loudly, $inging in letters and &arels, etetera, etetera At last

the lady, annoyed, gets u& and s#ee&s a#ay he turns at the

door to say/ 'Alors, $ien, 0e te laisse a tes su&&ositoires'

E*ery$ody laughs loudly at this, and so do ( he said that #ell



L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe %ilm goes on and on A%ter many

*iissitudes, the good young man is trium&hant .e has

&ermission to &ro&ose to his em&loyer's daughter .e is #aiting

on the $ank o% a large &ond, #ith a ring that he is going to o%%er her ready in his #aistoat &oket .e takes it out to make sure

that he has it Mad #ith ha&&iness, he strides u& and do#n the

shores o% the &ond, gestiulating .e makes too #ild a gesture

The ring lies %rom his hand into the middle o% the &ond .e takes

o% his trousersC he #ades out .e has to get the ring $akC

he must get it $ak

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arEatly the sort o% thing that ha&&ens to

me ( laugh till the tears ome into my eyes .o#e*er, the %ilm

sho#s no signs o% sto&&ing, so ( get u& and go outL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arAnother Pernod in the $ar net door to the

inema ( sit at a orner ta$le and si& it res&eta$ly, #ith lo#ered

eyes Je suis une %emme on*ena$le, 0ust ome out o% the nearest

inemaNo# ( really am O, here madame (% ( ha*ea $ottleo% 1ordeau at dinner ('ll $e almost as drunk as ('d ho&ed

to $eL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThere is a letter %rom le &eintre at the

hotel .e says he is *ery sorry he didn't turn u& the other

e*ening - il %aut m'euser .e says ?elmar has handed o*er the

si hundred %rans, and he thanks me .e says that i% ( don't like

the $onhomme, i% ( %ind him too sad, he #ill hange him %or

one o% the landsa&es or %or anything else ( #ant and that he #ill

try to get to the Gare du Nord to say aure*oir to me 6( $et

he #on't7, and he is my %riend, erge Ru$inL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar)ell, ('ll ha*e a #hisky on thatL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(

unroll the &iture and the man standing in the gutter, &laying his

$an0o, stares at me .e is gentle, hum$le, resigned, moking, a



little mad .e stares at me .e is dou$le-headed, dou$le-%aed

.e is singing '(t has $een', singing '(t #ill $e' ?ou$le-headed

and #ith %our arms( stare $ak at him and think a$out$eing

hungry, $eing old, $eing hurt, $eing ridiuled, as i% it #ere inanotherli%e than thisL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThis damned room -

it's saturated #ith the &as(t's all the rooms ('*e e*er sle&t in,

all the streets ('*e e*er #alked in No# the #hole thing mo*es in

an ordered, undulating &roession &ast my eyes Rooms, streets,

streets, roomsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arPART T.REEL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThe room at the teens'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(t #as

ro#ded #ith red &lush %urniture, the #ood shining $rightly

There #ere se*eral *ases o% tuli&s and t#o ages #ith anaries,and there #ere t#o loks, eah trying to tik louder than the

other The #indo#s #ere nearly al#ays shut, $ut the room

#asn't musty )hen the door into the sho& #as o&en you

ould smell drugs and eau-de->ologne On a ta$le at the

$ak there #as a $ig &ot o% tea o*era s&irit-lam& The little $lue

light made it look like an altarL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(n that room

you ouldn't think, you ouldn't make &lans Just the #ay theloks tiked, and outside the lean, narro# streets, and

the others talking ?uth and ( listening, not understanding (t

#as like $eing a hild again, listening and thinking o% something

else and hear ing the *oies - endless, ine*ita$le and rest%ul

+ike unday a%ternoonL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ell, +ondon(t

has a %ine sound, $ut #hat #as +ondon to me" (t #as

a littleroom, smelling stu%%y, #ith my stokings hanging to dry

in %ront o% a gas %ireNothing in that room #as e*er leanC

nothing #as e*er dirty, either Things #ere al#ays hal% and hal%

They hanged one sheet at a time, so that the $ed #as ne*er

3uite lean and ne*er 3uite dirtyL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThinking/

'('*e got a#ay %rom all that, anyho# Not to go $ak, not to



>ertain houses, ertain streetsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNo sense,

no reason Just this nostalgiaAnd, mind you, some o%

my songs ha*e made money' uddenly ( am in a %e*er o%

aniety to get there +et's $e on our #ay, let's $e onour #ay)hy shouldn't #e get as %ar as 1russels" All right,

#e'll get as %ar as 1russelsC might $e something doing in

1russelsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut the %i%teen &ounds ha*e gone

)e raise e*ery &enny #e an )e sell most o% our lothesL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arMy $eauti%ul li%e in %ront o% me, o&ening out like

a %an in my handL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hat ha&&ened

then")ell, #hat ha&&ens"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe room in

the 1russels hotel - *ery hot The $ell o% the inema net door ringing A long, narro# room #ith a long, narro# #indo# and

the $ell o% the inema net door, shar& and meaningless

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThings ha*en't gone Enno saying/ ')e'*e

only got thirty %rans le%t' 6My +ord, is that all"7 '!es, only

thirty %rans )e'll ha*e to do something a$out it tomorro#'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe $ell o% the inema ke&t on ringing and

e*ery time it rang ( ould %eel him startL&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar)hen he #ent out net morning he said/ T think ('ll $e

a$le to raise some money )ait in here %or me'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar')ill you $e a long time"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'NoAnyho#, don't go out'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&aritting on the $ed, #aiting )alking u& and do#n the

room, #aiting ( an't stand it, this #aitingL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThen, as i% some$ody had s&oken it aloud in my head -

Mr +a#son O% ourse, Mr +a#sonL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(

hadn't remem$ered ho# glassy his eyes #ere, Mr +a#son's

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es"' he says '!ou asked to see

me"' Raising his eye$ro#s a little, he says/ '!e-es"'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e doesn't reogni4e me ( must look rather



a#%ul ( say/ '('m a%raid you don'tremem$er me ( #as staying in

those rooms in the Tem&le that you ame to look o*er, and you

took me to dinner )e had oysters and #e talked a$out (reland

?on't you remem$er" Then #e #ere on the $oat going o*er to.olland and you ga*e me your address in 1russels !ou said i%

( got here, #ould ( look you u&" ?on't you remem$er"'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'O% ourse +ittle Miss - 'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'Not little,' ( say, 'not little' 1eause ( an't ha*e a man

like that allingme littleL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( talk a#ay,

saying, as i% it #ere a 0oke/ ')e're not eatly stranded )e

shall $e 3uite all right as soon as #e get to Paris (n %at, #e

shall $e 3uite all right in a day or t#o Only, stu&idly, 0ust %or themoment, #e're a $it stranded'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arMr +a#son

talks $ak and in the end he gi*es me a hundred %rans '(% this is

any good to you And no#, ('m *ery sorry, $ut ('*e got to rush'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar

( am standing there #ith the note in my hand, #hen he omes u&to me and kissesme ( am hating him more than ( ha*e e*er

hated anyone in my li%e, yet ( %eel my mouth go so%t under his,

and my arms go lim& 'Good $ye,' he says in imitationAmerian,

and grinsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'?id you ha*e any luk"'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Not muh,' Enno saysL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( say/

'('*e managed to $orro# a hundred %rans'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar')ho did you $orro# it %rom"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar')ell, it's a #oman ( used to kno# *ery #ell in +ondon

( kne# she li*ed here and ( %ound her address in the diretory

he kne# Miss >a*ell !es, a %riend o% Miss >a*ell's he li*es

in the A*enue +ouise, and ( #ent and sa# herL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'he's not eatly a %iend,' ( say 'As a matter o% %at, she



#as horri$ly rude, the old $ith he as good as told me she

#ouldn't see me i% e*er ( #ent thereagain Mademoiselle

regrette, mais mademoiselle ne reoit &as au0ourd'hui'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'A*enue +ouise" )hat num$er A*enue +ouise"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh, shut u& a$out it' (

lie do#n on the $ed and $egin to ryL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'?on't

ry (% you ry ( shall go mad'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'hut u&,

then, and don't talk a$out the damned hundred %rans' 6)ith a

hundred %rans they $uy the unlimited right to sorn you (t's

hea&7L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hat are you rying a$out"' he

saysL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'(t's my dress ( %eel so a#%ul ( %eel so

dirty ( #ant to ha*e a $ath ( #antanother dress ( #ant leanunder lothes ( %eel so a#%ul ( %eel so dirty'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'('ll get you another dress as soon as #e get to Paris (

kno# some#here #here #e an get redit!ou'll see, #hen #e

get to Paris it'll $e all right' % .e goes out to $uy something to

eat ( lie there and ( am ha&&y, %orgetting e*erything, ha&&y and

ool, not aring i% ( li*e or die ( think o% the #ay Mr +a#son

looked at me #hen ( %irst #ent in - his long, narro#, sur&rised%ae ( laugh and( an't sto& laughingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe

la*atory at the station - that #as the net time ( ried ( had 0ust

$een sik ( #as so a%raid ( might $e going to ha*e a $a$y

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAlthough ( ha*e $een so sik, ( don't %eel

any $etter, head u& against the #all, iy old and s#eating

ometimes tries the door, and ( &ull mysel% together, sto& rying

and &o#der my %aeL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e are going to

>alais Enno has made &als #ith a #aiter #ho li*es there and

#ho has &romised to lend us some moneyL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar.e is *ery good at salad-dressing, this #aiter )e

eat #ith him and his #i%e net day There he is, #ith his %at $ak

and thik nek, miing the dressing .e uses sugar in the



German #ay .is #i%e #athes him, looking s&ite%ul and

%rightened he is thin and ugly and not youngL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThe #aiter mies the dressing %or the salad *ery slo#ly

at the side$oard ( ansee mysel% in the mirror ( look thin - toothin - and dirty and haggard, #ith that e&ression that you get in

your eyes #hen you are *ery tired and e*erythingis like a dream

and you are starting to kno# #hat things are like underneath

#hat &eo&le say they areL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( hadn't $argained

%or this ( didn't think it #ould $e like this - sha$$y lothes, #orn

out shoes, irles under your eyes, your hair getting straight and

lanky, the #ay &eo&le look at you( didn't think it #ould $e

like thisL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)alking a$out the streets o% >alais #ith the #aiter's #i%e )e #ent to see thatstatue $y

Rodin All the time she #as om&laining in a thin *oie that

he ne*erlet her ha*e any money %or lothes, and that it #as her

money a%ter allC he hadn't a sou #hen she married himL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arhe didn't seem at all urious a$out us, or to #ant

to kno# #here he &iked us u& he 0ust #ent on and on a$out

his unkindness and the lothes she #antedL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar

(t #as a grey day (t #as like #alking in +ondon, like #alking in

a dream My God, ho# a#%ul ( looked in that mirrorB (% ('m

going to look like that, there's not a ho&e 5any ha*ing to go to

Paris looking like thatL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar )hen #e got

$ak #e drank a$sinthe The #aiter &re&ared it %or us

ela$orately (t took a long time ( didn't like the taste, $ut (

#as old and it #armed me )e sat there si&&ing and Enno

and the #aiter talked in a orner The #i%e didn't say anything

and a%ter a #hile ( didn't either 1ut the a$sinthe made me %eel

3uarrelsome and ( $egan to #ish ( ould shout 'hut u&' at them



and to dislike the#aiter $eause ( kne# he #asn't thinking muh

o% my looks 6'he's not muh ( thought she #as $etter looking

than that the %irst time ( sa# her'7L&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar( sto&&ed

listening to them, $ut #hen the a$sinthe #ent really to my head (thought ( #as shouting to them to shut u& ( e*en heard my *oie

saying/ 'hut u&C ( hate you' 1ut really ( didn't say anything and

#hen Enno looked at me ( smiledL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ell,

Gusta*e - the #aiter - lent us the money he had &romised and

#e le%t >alaisL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arEnno had taken a dislike to

Gusta*e's #i%e 'That to all itsel% a #omanB' he saidL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'1ut it #as her money,' ( saidL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh

#ell,' Enno said, 'he makes *ery good use o% it, doesn't he" .emakes muh $etter use o% it than she #ould'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar(t #as a slo# train and #e #ere tightly &aked in the

om&artment +ying in theluggage rak, trying to slee&, &ro&&ed

u& $y Enno's stik, and the #heels o% the train saying/

'Paris, Paris, Paris, ParisFL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arA girl ame

into the a%e and sat do#n at the net ta$le he #as #earing a

grey suit, the skirt short and tight and the $louse *ery %resh andlean And a oky $lak hat like a ots soldier's glengarry .er

hand$ag #as lying on the ta$le near her - &atent leather

to math her shoes6.and$ag)hat a lot o% things ('*e got to

getB )ould a suit like that $e a good thing to get" No, ( think (

had $etter get7 And she #alked so straight and 3uik on her

high heeled shoes Ta&, ta&, ta&, her heelsL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'('ll take you some#here to #ait,' Enno said '( must see

one or t#o &eo&le'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar?rinking o%%ee *ery

early in the morning, e*erything like a dream ( #as so tired

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e got out o% the Metro into the 1oule*ard

Mont&arnasseL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'(n here,' Enno said .e took

me $y the armL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe Rotonde #as %ull o%



men reading ne#s&a&ers on long stiks ha$$y men, not

sneering, not taking any notie Pitures on the #allsL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arThe hands o% the lok mo*ing 3uikly One

hour, t#o hours, three hoursL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.o# long#ill they let me sit here" Not a dro& o% o%%ee le%t The last dro&

#as *ery old and *ery $itter - *ery old and $itter, the last dro&

( ha*e i*e %rans, $ut ( daren't order another o%%ee ( mustn't

s&end it on thatL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe olours o% the &itures

melting into eah other, my head $ak against the $enh (% ( go

to slee& they'll ertainly turn me out Perha&s they #on't, $ut

$etter not risk itL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThree hours and a hal%

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAs soon as ( see him ( kno# %rom his %aethat he's got some money A tall man is #ith him, a man #ith a

gentle %ae and long, thin handsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e go

net door to a &lae alled +a Na&olitaine and eat ra*ioli

)arming me Eat slo#ly, make it last a long timeL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar('*e ne*er $een so ha&&y in my li%e ('m ali*e,

eating ra*ioli and drinking #ine ('*e esa&ed A door has

o&ened and let me out into the sun )hat more do ( #ant "Anything might ha&&enL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('*e got a room,'

Enno says 'Rue +amartine'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( had a hase,'

he says 'Paulette #asn't in ( le%t a note ( ran into Al%red 0ust

outside her a&artment'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar

No, no ( should think it a terri$le disgrae to let my #i%e #ork

%or any otherman $ut me ( #ouldn't do it Nothing #ould make

me do it'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar 'Tu m'emmerdesB' Enno yelss,



0um&ing u&, tu'm'emmerdes, 0e te dis )hat are youtrying to say,

then"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1on, $on, ('m going,' Al%red says,

getting u& '( see you are in a $ad tem&er('m going !ou needn't

shout at me'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh, don't go,' ( sayL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!ou shut u&,' Enno saysL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'Madame,' says Al%red %rom the door, $o#ingL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar( laugh #hen he $o#s ( kee& on saying/ '(sn't this

%unny, isn't this %unny"' (remem$er Al%red $lo#ing on my #rists

to ool them and ( an't sto& laughing ( get so tired that ( &ut my

head into my handsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arEnno says/ '('m going

out to $uy something to eat'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Already" (t's

too early'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e goes out #ithout ans#ering,slamming the doorL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!ou don't kno# ho# to

make lo*e,' he said That #as a$out a month a%ter #e gotto

Paris '!ou're too &assi*e, you're la4y, you $ore me ('*e had

enough o% this Good-$ye'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e #alked out

and le%t me alone - that night and the net day, and the net

night and the net day )ith t#enty %rans on the ta$le And ('m

sure no# that ('m going to ha*e a $a$y, though ( ha*en't said a#ord a$out itL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar ( ha*e to go out to get

mysel% something to eat The &atron kno#s, the &atronnekno#s,

e*ery$ody kno#sL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)aking u& at

night, listening, #aitingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe third day (

make u& my mind that he isn't oming $ak A $lue day This is

the %irst time that ( look at the &atronne instead o% sliding &ast

her #ith my eyes do#n he in3uires a$out monsieur Monsieur

may $e a#ay %or some timeL&arL&ard Lhy&h&ar1lue sky o*er

the streets, the houses, the $ars, the a%es, the *egeta$le

sho&sand the 5au$ourg MontmatreL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( $uy

milk, a loa% o% $read, %our oranges, and go $ak to the hotel

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar3uee4ing the rind o% an orange and



smelling the oil A lot o% oil - they must $e &retty %resh(

think/L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hat's going to ha&&en"' A%ter all, (

don't muh are #hat ha&&ens And 0ust as ( am thinking this

Enno #alks in #ith a $ottle o% #ine under his armL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'.ello,' he saysL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('*e got

some money,' he says 'My God, isn't it hot " Peel me an orange'

'('m *ery thirsty,' he says 'Peel me an orange'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arNo# is the time to say 'Peel it yoursel%', no# is the time

to say 'Go to hell',no# is the time to say '( #on't $e treated like

this' 1ut muh too strong - the room, the street, the thing

in mysel%, oh, muh too strongL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( &eel the

orange, &ut it on a &late and gi*e it to himL&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar.e says/ '('*e got some money'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e

$rings out a mille note, a seond mille note ( don't ask #here

he has got them )hy ask" Money irulatesC it irulates - and

ho#B )hy, you #ouldn't $elie*e it sometimesL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar.e &ours me out a glass o% #ine '(t's %resh ('*e ke&t it

a#ay %rom the sun'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut your hands are so

old,' he says 'My girl'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e dra#s theurtains to kee& the sun outL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen he

kissed my eyelids to #ake me it #as darkL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar1ut it #asn't all that that mattered (t #asn't that he

kne# so eatly #hen to$e ruel, so eatly ho# to $e kind The

day ( #as sure ( lo*ed him #as 3uite di%%erentL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar.e had gone out to $uy something to eat ( #as $ehind

the urtain and ( sa# him

in the street $elo#, standing $y a lam& &ost, looking u& at our

#indo#, looking%or me .e seemed *ery thin and small and (

sa# the e&ression on his %ae 3uite &lainly Anious, he #as



L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe $ottle o% #ine #as under one arm, and

his oat #as stiking out, $eause the loa% o% $read #as hidden

under it The &atronne didn't like us to eat in our room Just one

in a #hile she didn't mind, $ut #hen &eo&le eat in their roome*ery night, it means they really ha*e no money at allL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen ( sa# him looking u& like that ( kne# that (

lo*ed him, and that it #as %or al#ays (t #as as i% my heart

turned o*er, and ( kne# that it #as %or al#ays (t's a strange

%eeling - #hen you kno# 3uite ertainly in yoursel% that

something is %or al#ays (t's like #hat death must $e All the

insouiane, all the gaiety is a $lu%% 1eause ( #anted to esa&e

%rom +ondon ( %astened mysel% on him, and ( am dragging himdo#n All the gaiety is going and no# he is thin and anious

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( didn't #a*e to him ( stayed $y the urtain

and #athed him, and a%ter a #hile he rossed the street and

#ent into the hotelL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( an't slee&,' he said

'+et me lie #ith my head on your sil*er $reast'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThe urtains are thin, and #hen they are dra#n the light

omes through so%tly There are lo#ers on the #indo#sill and( an see their shado#s on the urtains The hild do#nstairs

is sreamingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThere is a #ind, and

the lo#ers on the #indo# sill, and their shado#s on the urtains,

are #a*ing +ike s#ans di&&ing their $eaks in #ater +ike the

inalula$le raising its head, uselessly and #ildly, %or one

moment $e%ore it sinks do#n, $eaten, into the darkness +ike

skulls on long, thin neks Plunging #ildly #henthe #ind $lo#s,

to the end o% the urtain, #hih is their nothingness ?istorting

themsel*es as they &lungeL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe musty

smell, the $ugs, the loneliness, this room, #hih is &at o% the

street outside - this is all ( #ant %rom li%eL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThings are going #ell )e ha*e settled do#n Enno



has sold t#o artiles .e has$een to see the old $oy at the +a&in

Agile, and no# sings there e*ery night And there is a real 0o$ in

&ros&et A &u$liity am&aign, to &o&ulari4e tea in 5rane -

Timmins' Tea .e is *ery eited a$out this, and he has designeda &oster, #hih he says #ill a&&eal to the 5renh/ 'Tea is the

most eonomial drink in the #orld (t osts less than one sou a

u&' ( gi*e English lessons Ten %ransan hour ( ha*e three

&u&ils - a girl #ho #orks in a sent sho&, a man #ho ad*ertised

in the 5igaro, and a young Russian #hom Enno met at the +a&in

Agile .e s&eaks English 0ust as #ell as ( doL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar( ha*e $ought a 1erlit4 $ook and %ollo# it $lindly

5arial, these lessons, ee&t the Russian's .e is determined toget *alue %or his ten %rans, and he doesL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar')ould you tell me, &lease, i% ( ha*e the FthF orretly "'

The, this, that, these, those - all orretL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e

$rings along a olleted edition o% Osar )ilde's #orks and says

he #ants toread them through ')ill you sto& me, &lease, i% (

mis&ronoune a #ord" ( think Osar )ilde is the greatest o%

English #riters ?o you agree"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ell'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Ah, you do not agree'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'1ut ( do like him ( think he is *ery - sym&athi3ue'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e makes a little s&eeh a$out English

hy&orisy Preahing to the on*ertedL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe

streets, $la4ing hot, and eating &eahes The long, lo*ely, $lue

days that lasted %or e*er, that still areL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAt

the orner o% the street, the hemist's sho& #ith the

ad*ertisement o% the A$$e omething's Eliir - it ures this, it

ures that, it ures the sikness o% &regnant #omen )ould it

ure mine" ( #onderL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arMy %ae is &retty, my

stomah is huge +ast time #e ate at the Algerian restaurant (

had to rush a#ay and $e sikPeo&le are *ery kind to me They



get u& and gi*e me their seats in $uses Passe, %emme

sareeNot eatly like that, $ut

still - it seemed to me that they #ere kind All the same, ('m not

so mad no# a$out going out, and ( s&end long hours $y mysel%

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThere is a $ooksho& net door, #hih

ad*ertises seond hand English no*els Theassistant is a .indu

( #ant a long, alm $ook a$out &eo&le #ith large inomes - a

$ook like a lat green meado# and the shee& %eeding in it 1ut he

insists u&on selling me lurid stories o% the #hite sla*e tra%%i

'This is a *ery good $ook, *ery $eauti%ul, most true'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut gradually ( get some $ooks that ( do like (

read most o% the time and ( amha&&yL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(n

and out o% the room - +ise, Paulette, Jean, Al%red the Turk (

#ath them, and ( ne*er 3uite kno# them, $ut ( lo*e +ise

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arhe is a $rodeuse - or she has $een a

$rodeuse No# she sings English songs in a hea& a$aret in the

Rue >u0as - Roses o% Piardy and +o*e, .ere is My .eart hean't s&eak English at all he is t#enty t#o years old, three

years youngerthan ( amL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arE*erything a$out

+ise sur&rises me - her gentleness, her etreme

sentimentality, so di%%erent %rom #hat ( had $een led to e&et in

a 5renh girl Airs %rom Manon, &ink garters #ith little silk roses

on them, Gyraldose'(s it true that English #omen ne*er use a

douhe" Mysel%, ( use one t#ie a dayAnd all my

underlothes made $y hand !es, e*ery stith'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arhe has $lak, urly hair, a *ery &retty %ae and -

un%ortunately - thik ankles'( lo*e Gounod's A*e Maria The

musi is like a &rayer, don't you think"' he o%ten omes in

and eats #ith usL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arOne night ( am in



the room #ith +ise )e ha*e 0ust had a %ine meal - s&aghetti

ooked on the lamme $leue and a $ottle o% Asti &umante ( am

%eeling rather goodL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arhe says/ '( #ish

there'd $e another #ar'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh, +ise, don't saythat'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, ( do ( might ha*e a $it o% luk (

might get killed ( don't #ant to li*e any more, me'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arThen she's o%% he has no$ody he doesn't think

any$ody likes her The engagement in the Rue >u0as is %inished

he an't get another he #ill one more ha*e to try %or a 0o$ as

a $rodeuse 'And the light in the #orkrooms isn't so

goodometimes your eyes hurt so muh that you an hardly

o&en them' he is going to ha*e to go $ak to li*e #ith her mother, #ho kee&s a groer's sho& at >lamarthe is a%raid o%

her mother )hen she #as a little girl her mother $eat her '5or

anything, %or nothing !ou don't kno# And all the time she says

$ad things to me he likes to make me ry he hates me,

my mother ( ha*e no one oon ( shall ha*e to #ear s&etales

oon ( shall $e old'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'My God, +ise, you'*e

got a %e# more years, surely >heer u&'L&ar L&ard Lhy

'Non, 0'en ai asse4,' she says 'Already ('*e had enough'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar '+ise, don't ry,'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Non, non,

0'en ai asse4'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( also start to ry No, li%e is

too sadC it's 3uite im&ossi$leL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&aritting in

%ront o% the lamme $leue, arms round eah other's #aists, rying

No, li%e is too sadMy tears %all on her thik hair, #hih al#ays

smells so nieL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arEnno, oming in #ithanother $ottle o% Asti &umante, says/ 'Oh, my God, this is gay,'

and laughs loudly +ise and ( look at eah other and start

laughing toooon #e are all rolling, hel&less #ith laughter (t's

too muh, ( an't any more, it's too muhL&ar L&ard



Lhy&h&ar'Poor little +ise,' Enno says, 'she's a nie little girl,

$ut too sentimental'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arPaulette is a *ery

di%%erent matter he is a gay, sauy #enh, a great %riend o%

Enno's ( admire and try to o&y her and am 0ealous o% herL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arhe reads us etrats %rom letters #ritten to her

$y a lo*er in the &ro*ines '

FTu es $elle et tu sens $onF )ell, #hat a$out it" And listen

to this/ F!our $reasts %ul%il the &romise o% your eyesF .e's

original, isn't he" And the t#o thousand %rans ( asked you %or

- #here are they, *ieu on" Ne*er mind, he'll &art $e%ore ('*edone #ith him )ait a $it Attends, mon salaud'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arOne day they ame $ak, Enno and Paulette, #ith a

steak %or me They had had dinner out ( hadn't gone #ith

them $eause ( %elt so sik, $ut that #as o*er and ( #as hungry

Paulette ooked the steak o*er the lamme $leue and ( ate it all

u& '?id you like it"' she said '!es, ( did' '!ou didn't notie

anything a$out it"' '( notied it #as a $it tough,' ( said'Other#ise ( liked it all right' '(t #as horse steak,' she said 'Oh,

#as it"' They #ere $oth #athing me #ith narro#ed eyes,

e&eting me to do the Anglaise stu%%L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut

later ( said/ 'Oh, #as it"' their mouths, that #ere #ide o&en to

laugh, #ent small again A%ter that ( think Paulette kne# ( #asn't

one o% the om%orta$le ones, and ne*er had $een, and hadn't

had suh a grand time as all that A%ter#ards she liked me

$etterL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(n the romanti tradition, Paulette

+ong, yello# hair, so%t, $ro#n eyes, a $o#l o% *iolets in her

room )hen she looks at hersel% in the glass, naked, she's

as &roud as +ui%er (n the romanti tradition, and *ery generous

he $rings me &resents o% silk stokings he turns u& #ith



se*eral &airs o% soks %or Enno '('*e sna%%led them,' she says

'.e #on't kno# - he has too many'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arhe

tells us that one o% her lo*ers, the >ount o% so - and - so, #ants

to marryher, $ut his %amily is shoked and horri%ied '=oila,' saysPaulette, '0e ne 0oue &as du &iano, moi' he is not $itter - she is

regret%ul, %atalistiL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1esides, she has suh

$ad luk - it's 5ate 5or instane, the other day the mother #as

atually &ersuaded to lunh #ith her And #hat ha&&ened as they

#ere #alking out o% the restaurant" Paulette's dra#ers %ell o%

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar?o ( $elie*e this" )ell, ( $elie*e that $it

any#ay, $eause eatly the same thing has ha&&ened to me

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar>hukling madly, on the $ed in the hotel inthe Rue +amartine, and thinking o% #hen that man said to

me/ '>an you resist it"' '!es, ( an,' ( said, *ery oldly ( an

resist it, 0ust &lain and Nordi like that, ( ertainly an

'!ou must $e mad,' he said, 'mad' 6)here is this ha&&ening" (n

ensington7 The net thinghe says is that he #ill see me to my

$us 'tu&id, stu&id girl,' he says, doingu& $uttons, and he takes

me to the $us sto& )e are standing $y a lam&-&ost, indeadsilene, #aiting %or the $us, and #hat ha&&ens" My dra#ers %all

o% ( lookdo#n at them, ste& out o% them neatly, &ik them u&,

roll them into a little &arel and &ut them into my hand$ag

)hat else is there to do" .e stares into *aany, shoked

$eyond measure The $us omes u& .e li%ts his hat #ith a

%lourish and #alks a#ayL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNet morning (

reali4e that it is ( #ho ha*e lost ground ?eidedly ( %eel a#%ul

a$out e*erything ( go to the nearest tele&hone and ring him u&

'Are you *eed #ith me a$out last night"' .e ans#ers/ '!es, ( am

*eed, ( am *ery *eed('ll send you a $o o% Turkish ?elight,

' he says, and rings o%%L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ell no#, #hat is it,

this Turkish ?elight" (s it a omment, is it irony, is



itom&ensation, is it a&ology, or #hat " ('ll thro# it out o% the

#indo#, #hate*er it isL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNo# sno# is

%alling There is the re%letion o% sno# in the room The light

makes e*erything seem strange The mound o% my stomahis hidden under the $edlothes o alm ( %eel, #athing mysel%

in the glass o&&osite My hair hangs do#n onmy shoulders (t is

urly again and the orners o% my mouth turn u& ( like mysel%

today ( am ne*er sik no# ( am *ery #ell and *ery ha&&y (

ne*er think o% #hat it #ill $e like to ha*e this $a$y or, i% ( think,

it's as i% a door shuts in my head A#%ul, terri$leB And then

a door shuts in your headL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( hardly e*er

think a$out money either, or that #hen it ha&&ens ( may $e alone(% the tea 0o$ omes o%% it #on't do to risk losing it o (

may $e in Paris alo

ne 1ut it's all arranged As soon as it starts ( am to get into a

tai and go o% to the sage %emme My room is $ooked - it's all

arranged (t's nothing to make a %uss a$out, e*ery$ody saysL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e are %riendly #ith the &atronne he #ill

kee& an eye on me #hile Enno is a#ay ('ll $e all rightL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arThe Russian %or his lesson ( ga*e Enno a note

&utting him o% - he must ha*e %orgotten to &ost itL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar.e looks sur&rised to %ind me in $ed, the Russian -

sur&rised, then ynial ?oes he think it's all arranged, this

$eing in $ed" ?oes he think ( #ant him to make lo*e to me" 1ut

surely he an't think that ( $elie*e he does, thoughL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arThe orners o% his mouth go do#n #hen he says

'%emme' 6.atred or %ear"7 +es %emmes - he doesn't trust them,

they are a&a$le o% anythingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&aro alm (

%eel, amused as God, #ith the huge mound o% my stomah sa%e



under the$edlothes(t's no use arguing As he's here, let's get

on #ith itL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('m a%raid this #ill ha*e to

$e the last lesson,' ( sayL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe light makes

e*erything seem strange .e kisses my hand, and ( #ath myhandas he kisses it - #hite, #ith red, *arnished nailsL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar)e are reading +ady )indermere's 5anL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arFThe laughter, the horri$le laughter o% the #orld -

a thing more tragi than all the tears the #orld has e*er shedF

)ill you sto& me, &lease, i% ( mis&ronoune a #ord"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThe English on*ersation.e tells me a$out the

Russian &riness #ho #as shutu& in the &rison o% Peter and Paul

to $e eaten $y rats, $eause she #as a re*olutionary 'hesreamed %or ten days, and then there #as silene And then they

let one day &ass, and #ent into the ell And there #as nothing

let o% her $ut her hair he had long and $eauti%ul $lak hair'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.is on*ersation is nearly al#ays a$out

&ain and tortureL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e is going to 0oin

his %amily in +ondon and then he is going u& to O%ord

They ha*e $een *ery luky They ha*e esa&ed #ith a good dealo% money The, this, that, these and those are all orretL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'?o you think English &eo&le #ill like me"'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, ('m ertain they #ill'6('*e only got to

look at you to kno# that they'll like you in England7L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'And my English"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut you s&eak

English &er%etly'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e is &leased at this .e

smirks '( try to kee& in onstant &ratie,' he says .e gi*es me

the ten %rans, kisses my hand again, $o#s %rom the #aist

and goes Good$ye, dear sir, good$yeL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(

&ut the ten %rans under the &illo# ( &ut the light out )hile

( an slee&, let me slee& A $oat roking on a ri*er, a smooth,

green ri*er Outside, the seret streets The man #ho sings 'J'ai



&erdu la lumiere'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe house in

the 1oule*ard MagentaL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe sage %emme

has *ery #hite hands and lear, slant ing eyes and #hen she

looks at you the #orld sto&s roking a$out The louds arelouds, trees are trees, &eo&le are &eo&le, and that's that ?on't

mi them u& again No, ( #on'tL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAnd there's

al#ays the tisane o% orange-lo#er #aterL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar1ut my heart, hea*y as lead, hea*y as a stoneL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e has a tiket tied round his #rist $eause he

diedL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar+ying so old and still #ith a tiket

round his #rist $eause he diedL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNot to

think Only to #ath the $ranhes o% that tree and the &atternthey makestanding out against a old sky A$o*e all, not to

thinkL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen #e got $ak to the hotel (

%elt *ery tired ( sat on the $ed and looked do#n at the ar&et

Ee&t that ( #as tired ( %elt all night 1ut ( ke&t thinking o% the

dress he had on - so &retty (t'll get all s&oiled, ( thought

E*erythingall s&oiledL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar

ened, and then that ha&&enedL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( go to an

hotel near the Plae de la Madeleine There are a lot o% %lies in

this room They torment me ( kill one ( didn't kno# %lies ha*e

$lood 0ust like you or me )ell, there it lies, #ith its #ings still

and its legs turned u& !ou #on't dane againL&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar( #rite to England, to try and $orro# some money

They kee& me #aiting a long time %or an ans#er and ( start

eating at a on*ent near $y, #here the nuns su&&ly*ery hea&

meals %or destitute girls he is kind, the old nun in harge, or



she seems to me not unkind The room #here #e eat looks on to

a large stone ourtyard !ou an get a 3uarter o% #ine %or a %e#

sousL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut there's an English *alet de

ham$re at the hotel #ho tells the &atron that #hate*er ( allmysel% no# he had kno#n me *ery #ell in +ondon and that (

had ome to Paris #ith a great %riend o% his, a 0okey, and that

( had treated his %iend *ery $adly and that ( #as the dirtiest $ith

he had e*er struk, #hih #as saying something 2seless to

deny all this - 3uite useless)as it hysteria, or a ase o% hate at

%irst sight, or did he really mistake me %or this other girl "( shall

ne*er kno#L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut he makes li%e hell %or

me, this *alet de ham$reL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAt last themoney omes %rom England ')e an't go on doing this,' they

sayL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!ou insisted on it against e*ery$ody's

ad*ie' And so onAll right, ( #on't ask you again A &artan

lot, they areL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( lea*e the hotel, ( lea*e

the 3uarter 5or the last time ( ha*e #ashed my kni%e, %ork and

s&oon and &ut them a#ay in the loker No more meals #ith the

destitute girlsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut, a%ter all, those #ere stillthe days #hen ( #ent into a a%e to drink o%%ee, #hen ( ould

%eel gay on hal% a $ottle o% #ine, #hen this ha&&ened and that

ha&&enedL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut they ne*er last, the golden

days And it an $e sad, the sun in the a%ternoon, an't it" !es, it

an $e sad, the a%ternoon sun, sad and %righteningL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arNo#, money, %or the night is oming Money %or my

hair, money %or my teeth, money %or shoes that #on't de%orm

my %eet 6it's not so easy no# to #alk around in hea& shoes #ith

*ery high heels7, money %or good lothes, money, money The

night is omingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThat's al#ays #hen there

isn't any Just #hen you need it there's no money No money (t

gets you do#nL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(s it true that ( am mohe"



God, no ( $et it #as a #oman said that No, it #asn't (t #as a

man said it Am ( mohe " No, no, you're young, you're

$eauti%ulL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arometimes it's 3uite all right,

sometimes it #orks O%ten it #orks And days And nightsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arEat ?rink )alk Marh 1ak to the hotel

To the .otel o% Arri*al, the .otel o% ?e&arture, the .otel o% the

5uture, the .otel o% Martini3ue and the 2ni*erse 1ak to the

hotel #ithout a name in the street #ithout a name !ou &ress

the$utton and the door o&ens This is the .otel )ithout-a-Name

in the treet )ithout-a-Name, and the lients ha*e no names, no

%aes !ou go u& the stairs Al#aysthe same stairs, al#ays the

same roomL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe room says/C 'Quite like oldtimes !es" No" !es'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arA%ter all this,

#hat ha&&ened"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hat ha&&ened #as that,

as soon as ( had the slightest hane o% a &lae to hide in, ( re&t

into it and hidL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ell, sometimes it's a %ine

day, isn't it" ometimes the skies are $lue ometimes the air is

light, easy to $reathe And there is al#ays tomorro#L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arTomorro# ('ll go to the Galeries +a%ayette,hoose a dress, go along to the Pintem&s, $uy glo*es, $uy sent,

$uy li&stik, $uy things osting %s @:K and %s 89K, $uy

anything hea& Just the sensation o% s&ending, that's the &oint

('ll look at $raelets studded #ith arti%iial 0e#els, red, green and

$lue, neklaes o% imitation &earls, igarette-ases, 0e#elled

tortoises And #hen ( ha*e

had a ou&le o% drinks ( shan't kno# #hether it's yesterday,

today or tomorro#L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arPART 5O2RL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hen ( go into the $ureau %or my key the

&atronne tells me that an English monsieur has let a note %or me



An English monsieur"!es, that's #hat she understood - a

monsieur %rom +ondonL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAlloB Just dro&&ed

in to see you E*erything goes #ell #ith me ( ha*e had

enormous luk ( am lea*ing Paris tomorro# or the day a%ter osorry ( missed youL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arReneL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arAs ( get u& to the %ourth %loor landing the ommis

o&ens his door and &uts his head out '=aheB ale *ahe,' he

says #hen he sees me .is head disa&&ears and the door is

slammed, $ut he goes on talking in a high, thin *oie ( take o%

my oat and hat and &ut a#ay the sent and stokings ( ha*e 0ust

$ought All the time ( am listening, straining my ears to hear

#hat he is saying The *oie sto&sA loud knok No#, this istoo muh, no# ('m going to say a %e# things (% you think ('m

a%raid o% you, you're mistaken )ait a $itL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar( marh to the door and %ling it o&enL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThe gigolo is outside, looking eited and &leased #ith

himsel% .e takes my hand in $oth o% hisL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'(

ame $e%ore ?id they tell you"1ut #hat's the matter"

)hy are you looking so %rightened"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('mnot ('m looking *eed'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh, no, you're

looking %rightened )ho are you %rightened o%" Me" 1ut ho#

%latteringB'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( thought it #as the man

net door .e's $een shouting at me .e gets on my ner*es' '.e

#as rude to you" =oule4-*ous 3ue 0e lui asse la gueule"' he

saysL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'>ertainly not Not on any aount'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( #ill i% you #ish ( an $e use%ul in more

#ays than one'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Good God, noB ?on't do

anything o% the sort'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell, &erha&s $etter

not ('d $etter not get into a ro# $e%ore ( ha*e my &a&ers 1ut (

shall ha*e them That's going to $e all right tomorro#( like

this room,' he says 'A nie room, a harming room Nothing $ut



$edsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar>an ( sit do#n"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'There are only t#o $eds'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Ah, yes,

so ( see - only t#o 1ut someho# it gi*es the im&ression that

it's %ull o% $eds( #aited u& here %or you nearly an hour thisa%ternoon ( told your landlady ( #as a %iend o% yours %rom

+ondon ( s&oke English to her And she asked me i% ('d like

to #ait in your room'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( su&&ose this

e&lains the '=aheB ale *aheB'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'(t's all

*ery %ine, $ut ( asked you not to ome u& here and you said you

#ouldn't'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut #hy" The #oman

do#nstairs is so nie don't understand you he doesn'tmind

in the least !ou ould ha*e someone u& here e*ery hour and she#ouldn't mind (t's a shame to #aste this hotel, and this room

=ery, *ery good to make lo*e in, this room .a*e you

really $een #asting it" ( don't $elie*e you ha*e' .elaughs

loudly 'Those eyes, those dee& shado#s under your sad eyes

- #hat a$outthem"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Not #hat you think at

all ( don't slee& #ell, and ( take a lot o% luminal to make me

slee&'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Poor girl, &oor girl,' he says,touhing my eyes 'And you #on't let me e*en try to do anything

a$out it"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNo# ( am sik o% $eing laughed

at - sik, sik, sik o% $eing laughed at Alle4-*ous-en, salaud

('m sik o% $eing laughed atL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e %eels that (

am *eed .e says in a &olite, %ormal *oie/ '( ame to ask youi%

you'd ha*e an a&eriti% #ith me this e*ening Please do ( shall $e

*ery disa&&ointed i% you an't'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar

=ery 3uik, *ery easy, that hange o% attitude, like a %ish gliding

#ith a %lik o% its tail, no# here, no# thereL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'All right ('ll $e at the >loserie des +ilas at hal%-&ast



se*en ('m glad you'*e $een luky'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('*e met

an Amerian,' he says mysteriously '1eauti%ul And *ery, *ery

rih .o# do you say - $ursting #ith it"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'+ousy #ith it'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, lousy #ithit'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'?id you go to the Rit4 $ar"'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'?on't tell me you met

her at the ?ome"' 'Not the ?ome That ?anish &lae - youkno#

)ell, #e #ere talking and she said she #anted to go on

some#here else to dane ( said, 3uite %rankly - Quite %rank,

you kno#'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( $et you #ere'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'( said/ FThere's nothing ('d like $etter, nothing 1ut

un%ortunately at the moment ('m &enniless - at least, almost &ennilessF A%ter that it #as all right he's staying at the

Meurie (t's $een a great suess'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell,

it's nie o% you to ome all the #ay o*er here to tell me a$out

it'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'That's 0ust it That's something you

#ouldn't understand 1ut #hen you're li*ing like ( do, you

get *ery su&erstitious, and ( think you $ring me luk

Remem$er - that e*ening ( met you ( #as disouraged, *erydisouraged !ou $rought me luk'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe

luk-$ringer)ell, ('*e ne*er thought o% mysel% in that #ay

$e%ore .e takes my hand in his and looks at my ring, his eyes

narro#ing 'No good,' ( say 'Only #orth a$out %i%ty %rans - i%

that'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hat, your hand "'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'!ou #eren't looking at my hand, you #ere looking

at my ring'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh, ho# sus&iious she is, this

#omanB (t's etra ordinary1ut you #ill ome this e*ening,

#on't you"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, ('ll $e there )here #e

talked the other night ('ll $e there at hal% -&ast se*en'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e goes o%, still looking trium&hantL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar( start #alking u& and do#n the room ( %eel



eited ( go to the glass, look at mysel%, stare at mysel%, make

a grimae, look at my teeth ?amn this light - ho# an ( see

to make-u& &ro&erly in this light"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ell,

there ( am, &raning a$out and smirking, and suddenly tellingmysel%/ 'No, ( #on't do a thing, not a thing A little &ride, a little

dignity at the end, in the name o% God ( #on't e*en &ut on the

stokings ( $ought this a%ternoon (#on't do a thing - not a thing

( #ill not grimae and &osture $e%ore these &eo&le any longer'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAnd, a%ter all, the agitation is only on the

sur%ae 2nderneath ('m indi%%erent 2nderneath there is al#ays

stagnant #ater, alm, indi%%erent - the $itter &eae that is *ery

near to death, to hateL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( ha*e siteenhundred %rans le%t Enough to &ay %or the dress ( hose today,

enough to &ay my hotel $ill and the 0ourney $ak to +ondon

.o# muh o*er" ay %our hundred %rans ( take t#o hundred

and %i%ty T#o hundred %rans %or the meal, i% there is a mealC

%i%ty %rans $ehind the mirror at the $ak o% my hand$ag,%or a

tai home in ase #e 3uarrel, in ase he turns nasty '.ey, tai' -

and you're out o% e*erythingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( time mysel% to $e ten minutes late and arri*e at the >loseie des +ilas at

t#enty minutes to eight ( look round the terrae No$ody there

( #on't go round the orner and look on the other side .e is sure

to $e indoors on suh a old nightL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arA *ery

&retty girl is sitting on one o% the stools at the $ar, ha*ing a

drink No sign o% the gigoloL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( order a

>in4ano, %eeling my &ulse, as it #ere, all the time Am

( disa&&ointed, am ( *eed " No, ( am 3uite alm, also 3uite

on%ident .e's some#here around, ( thinkL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&a

( say to a #aiter/ '(s there any$ody on the terrae'"L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'Oh, no, ( don't think so (t's too old tonight'L&ar



L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ould you go and ha*e a look,' ( say, 3uite alm,

3uite on%ident 'And i% there's anyone #aiting, #ill you &lease

tell him that ('m inside here'L&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar(n a minute he

omes $ak, %ollo#ed $y the gigoloL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'ohere you are ( thought you'd stood me u&'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'( $et you thought the #orld had ome to an end (

$et you ouldn't $elie*e it'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell, no, (

ouldn't,' he says '1ut ( #as 0ust $eginning to $elie*e it #hen

the #aiter ame ('*e $een ursing you !ou said #here #e

talked the other night,and that's #here ('*e $een #aiting('m

old ('*e had t#o Pernods to kee& me#arm, $ut still ('m old

5eel my hands ('m going to ha*e another Pernod'L&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar.e looks a $it drunk, $ut drunk in the +atin #ay -

*ery *i*id, keyed-u&L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe girl at the $ar

gets o% her stool and #alks out, &assing slo#ly in %ront o%us

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh, #hat a $eauti%ul girlB +ook +ook at

the #ay she #alks - that mo*ement o% the hi&s Oh, isn't she

$eauti%ul " )hat a lo*ely $ody that girl must ha*eB'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ouldn't you like to go a%ter her and %ind out"' (say '( rather think that #as the idea'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No,

no, it's you ( #ant to talk to'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'That's #hat

('m here %or Go ahead'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hile #e're ha*ing

dinner,' he saysPause o% hal% a seond %or me to s&eak

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( ask him to ha*e dinner #ith meL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Thank you,' he says 'To $e %rank, #hen ('*e &aid

%or this lot o% drinks ( shan't ha*e muh money let'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hat, ha*en't you got any money out o% your

Amerian"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh no, not yet, not yet )hen (

ask her %or something it'll $e something 1ut one mustn't do that

too 3uikly, o% ourse he must $e readyhe's nearly ready (

think &erha&s tomorro# she'll $e ready'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e



looks straight into my eyes all the time he is talking, #ith that

air o% someone de%ying youL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ould you

gi*e me the money to &ay %or dinner no# instead o% in the

restaurant"' he says, in the tai '('d &re%er that'L&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar'O% ourse ( #as going to'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( gi*e

him the t#o hundred %rans and the orners o% his mouth go

do#n ')hen you'*e settled u& - dinner, drinks, tais,' (

say, 'there'll $e a$out t#o %rans le%t ( &lanned it out'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh, e 3u'elle est rosse, ette %emmeB'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar( don't kno# #hat it is a$out this man that seems to

me so natural, so gay - that makes me also %eel natural

and ha&&y, 0ust as i% ( #ere young - $ut really young ('*e ne*er $een young )hen ( #as young ( #as strained - u&, anious ('*e

ne*er $een really young ('*e ne*er &layedL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'('m hungry,' he says '('m so hungry that ( an't think o%

anything $ut eating To eat, to eat, and a%ter#ards #hat's it

matter"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'This is another o% my gay,

hi &laes,' ( say '!ou'll see, #e'll ha*e it allto oursel*es'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar.o#e*er, as it ha&&ens, there are se*eral other &eo&le there, all eating seriouslyL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( #ant to

see mysel% in a good light and ( go u&stairs to the la*a$o, one o%

the attrations o% the Pig and +ilyL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&aro lean

and so res&lendent, so #ell lit, #ith &lenty o% looking-glasses

and not a soul there to #ath you Am ( looking all right" Not so

$ad urely, not so $ad 'At last,' he says #hen ( ome do#n

'At last #e are going to eat'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( am not

hungry ( e&et he noties that the %ood isn't at all good, in this

da



in EnglandF" 1ut %or me it #ill $e di%%erent'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThat's his idea 1ut he'll %ind out that he #ill $e u&

against raial, not seual, harateristis +o*e is a stern *irtue

in England 62sually a matter o% hygiene, my dear The indeentneessity - and #ho #ould s&end money or thought or time on

the indeent neessity")e ha*e our ration o% rose-lea*es, $ut

only $eause roselea*es are a gentle laati*e7L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'!ou take are !ou'll &ro$a$ly get a igarette ase

en toe #ith your initials on it a%ter a lot o% hard #ork'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e's so sure that e*erything is going to $e all

right, you ha*e to $e sorry %orhim And he's so good looking,

this &oor de*il, so ali*e, gay, healthy, so as i% he didn't drink muh, so as i%Talking a#ay a$out the tehni3ue o% the metier -

it sounds 3uite meaningless (t &ro$a$ly is meaningless .e's 0ust

trying to shok me or eite me or somethingL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar(t's hal% &ast nine There #e still sit, 0a$$eringL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'(s it true that Englishmen make lo*e #ith all their

lothes on, $eause they think it's more res&eta$le that #ay"'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, ertainly 5ully dressed They add, o% ourse, a maintosh'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arA%ter this #e are

&ro&erly o%%L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No# ('ll sho# you something

really %unny,' he saysL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'+ook at this in the

s&oon'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es (t is rather %unny, isn't it"'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( an do $etter than that,' he saysL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar( #ath *ery are%ully (% ( learn this trik, it ought

to raise my amusement-*alueL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar?o you like

this" ?o you like that" )hat do you really like #orse

than anythingelse" ('ll tell you some thing *ery urious ( heard

o% the other day Etetera,eteteraL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e is

*ery good at this - alm, indi%%erent, #ithout a glint in his



eye 1ut his *oie gets louder .a&&ily there is only one lot o%

&eo&le le%t in the room, an

d ( don't think they understand EnglishL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut

the &ro&rietor ertainly understands )hen he omes u& #ith the

o%%ee he looks at me in a hal%-&itying, hal%-se*ere #ay, as i% to

say/ 'Really, really, really( should ha*e thought you'd ha*e

more sense than this Really, really'.e ertainly does

understand EnglishL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( stare $ak at him

)ell, and #hat a$out it, you damned old goo&" Are you as

$lameless as all that" Are you" ( shouldn't think so ( don'tritii4e you, so don't you ritii4e me ee "L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar.e #alks a#ay in a digni%ied manner 'Tous &i3ues,'

he is thinking, 'tous dingo, tous, tous, tous'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arAll the same, this on*ersation is $eoming a $it

o% a strain )hat is it leading u& to"AhB here it omes

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('*e arranged e*erything )hile ( #as

#aiting %or you on the terrae ( asked the #aiter to tell mea &lae ( ould take you to as you said you didn't #ant to go

$ak to your hotel #ith me .e told me o% a *ery good &lae in

the 1oule*ard Ras&ail'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'My GodB' ( say

'!ou asked the #aiter"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, o% ourse

)aiters al#ays kno# a$out that sort o% thing'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar')ell, that's some#here else ('ll ne*er $e a$le to

sho# my %ae in again'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'And then you say

you're not a $ourgeoiseB' '( didn't say that !ou said it'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arAll the same, he's 3uite right Tomorro# (

must #alk into that a%e and go to that same ta$le on the terrae

and ha*e a drink 1ut #hen ( think 'tomorro#' there is a ga&

in my head, a $lank - as i% ( #ere %alling through em&tiness



Tomorro# ne*er omesL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( say/ 'Tomorro#

ne*er omes'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( don't understand'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'+isten ('*e told you this %rom the start - nothing

doing )hy do you go on a$out it " (t's stu&id'L&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar'A &ity,' he says, indi%%erently, 'a &ity (t #ould

ha*e $een so nie !ou #ouldn't ha*e $een disa&&ointed in me'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar61ut su&&osing you #ere disa&&ointed in

me7L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e's le*er, this man, he %eels #hat

( am thinkingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e says/ '!ou kno#, you

needn't $e a%raid o% me ('d ne*er say ruel things to you, nor

a$out you either ('m not ruel to #omen - not in that #ay !ou

see, ( like them ( don't like $oysC ( tried in Moroo, $ut it #asno use ( like #omen'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Then you ought to

$e #orth your #eight in gold ( only ho&e you get it'

L&arL&ard Lhy&h&ar'?o you like girls "' he says, looking

in3uisiti*eL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No, ( don't'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar')hat, ha*e you ne*er in your li%e seen a girl you ould

ha*e lo*ed"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No, ne*er!es, one ( did (

sa# a girl in a $ordel ( ould ha*e lo*ed'L&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar'Oh, ho# on*enientB'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e laughs

The &ro&rietor starts, looks to#ards us, shrugs his shoulders and

turns his $akL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hy did you lo*e her"'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell,' ( say, '#hat a 3uestion, any#ayB'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.o# on earth an you say #hy you lo*e

&eo&le" !ou might as #ell say you kno# #here the lightning is

going to strike At least, that's ho# it has al#ays seemed to me

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Tell me a$out this girl'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'There isn't anything to tell, ee&t that ( liked her he

looked a#%ully sad and *ery gentle That doesn't ha&&en o%ten'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e seems muh amusedL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'?id she make lo*e to you"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar



, #hat ( am doing in this $o o% a restaurant, s#a&&ing dirtystories #ith a damned gigolo ( #ant to get a#ay ( #ant to $e

out o% the &laeL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('m going to the

Ehi$ition,' ( say '( #ant to see it again at night $e%ore (go'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'The Ehi$ition"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'.a*en't you $een to it"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No, (

ha*en't )hat should ( do at the Ehi$ition"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar')ell, ('m going !ou needn't ome i% you don't #ant to

('ll go $y mysel%' ( #ant to go $y mysel%, to get into a tai anddri*e along the streets, to stand $y mysel% and look do#n at the

%ountains in the old lightL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut o% ourse,'

he says '(% you #ant to go to the Ehi$ition, #e'll

go Naturally'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e go in $y the Troadero

entrane There aren't many &eo&le a$out >old, em&ty, $eauti%ul

- this is #hat ( imagined, this is #hat ( #antedL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar')hat's that light u& there"' he saysL&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar'That's the tar o% Peae ?on't you reogni4e it"'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e stares $ak at itL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'.o# mes3uinB (t's *ulgar, that tar o% Peae'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'The $uilding is *ery %ine,' ( say, in a

shoolmistress's *oie )e stand on the &romenade a$o*e the

%ountains, looking do#n on them This is #hat ( #anted - the

old %ountains, the old, rain$o# lights on the #ater .e says

again/ '(t's mes3uin, your tar o% Peae'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e

stand %or some time, leaning o*er the $alustrade .e &uts his

arm through mine ( an %eel him shi*ering )hen ( tell him so

he ans#ers/ ')ell, it's old here a%ter Moroo'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'Oh yes, o% ourse Moroo'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!ou



The a%e is not *ery %ull ( hoose a ta$le as %ar a#ay

%rom e*eryone else as &ossi$le )e order t#o $randiesL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e has told me that he is t#enty si, $ut ( think

he is older than that - he's a$out thirty And he doesn't look likea gigolo, not at all like a gigolo uddenly ( %eel shy and sel%-

onsious 6.o# ridiulousB ?on't let him see it, %or God's sake7

( drink hal% my $randy and soda and start talking a$out the last

time( #as in the ?eu Magots and ho# ( had $een staying

at Anti$es and ho# ( ame $ak *ery $ro#n and on to& o% the

#orld and #ith some money too, and all the restL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'Money ( had earned ans $lague (t #as too %unny (

#rote u& %airy stories %or a *ery rih #oman he ame toMont&arnasse looking %or some$ody and o% oursethere #as a

rush he hose me $eause ( #as the hea&est The night ( got

$akto Mont&arnasse - *ery rih - #e ele$rated )e started u&

in this a%e $eause( #as staying at a hotel near here'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar)hat #ith the $randy and soda and going $ak to

the ?eu Magots, the #hole thing is #hirling niely round in

my head he #ould ome into my room *ery early inthemorning in her dressing-go#n, her hair hanging do#n in

t#o &laits, looking rather s#eet, ( must say 'Are you a#ake, Mrs

Jansen" ('*e 0ust thought o% a story !ou an take it do#n in

shorthand, an't you"' 'No, ('m a%raid ( an't' 6>heatedB 5or #hat

('m &aying she ought to kno# shorthand7L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'1ut i% you'll tell me #hat you #ant to say ( think ( an

get it do#n' O% she'd go 'One u&on a time there #as a atus -

'Or a #hite rose or a yello# rose or a red rose, as the ase might

$e All this, mind you, at si thirty in the morning'This story',

she #ould say, looking anious, 'is an allegory !ou understand

that, don't you"' '!es, ( understand' 1ut she #as ne*er *ery

e&liit a$out the allegory '>ould you make it a Persian garden"'



'( don't see #hy not' 'Oh, and there's something ( #ant to

s&eak to you a$out, Mrs Jansen ('m a%raid amuel didn't like the

last story you #rote' Oh God, this a#%ul sinking o% the heart -

like going do#n in a li%t ( kne# this 0o$ #as too good to $etrue '?idn't he" ('m sorry )hat didn't he like a$out it"' ')ell,

('m a%raid he doesn't like the #ay you #rite )hat he atually

said #as that, onsidering the ost o% these stories, he thinks it

strange that you should #rite them in #ords o% one sylla$le .e

says it gets monotonous, and don't you kno# any long #ords,

and i% you do, #ould you &lease use them"Madame .olm$erg

is most anious to olla$orate#ith me And she's a real #riter -

she's 0ust %inished the third *olume o% her +i%e o% Na&oleon'A%ter this deliate hint she adds/ 'amuel #ished to s&eak toyou

himsel%, $ut ( told him that ( &re%erred to do it, $eause ( didn't

#ant tohurt your %eelings ( said ( #as sure, i% ( told you

his o&inion, you'd try to do $etter ( should hate to hurt your

%eelings $eause in a strange #ay ( %eel that #e are *ery muh

alike ?on't you think so"' 6No, ( ertainly don't think so, you

&am&ered ho#7 '('m a#%ully sorry you didn't like the story,' (sayL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&aritting at a large desk, a #hite sheet o%

&a&er in %ront o% me and outside the sun and the $lue

Mediterranean Monte >arlo, Monte >arlo, $y the Med-it-er-

rany-an sea-ee, Monte >arlo, Monte >arlo, #here the $oy o% my

heart #aits %or me-eePersian garden +ong #ords

>hiarosuro" Transluent"( $et he'd like atalysmal ation

and entri%ugal lu, $ut the &oint is ho# an ( get them into

a Persian garden")ell, ( might tranger things ha*e

ha&&enedA $lank sheet o% &a&erOne u&on a time, one

u&on a time there li*ed a lass #ho tended s#inePersian

gardens atra&s - surely they #ere alled satra&s(t's so

lo*ely outside, and musi has started u& some#here Grinding



it out, oh God, #ith all the long #ords &ossi$le And the musi

outside &laying =alenia'Are you still there, Mrs Jansen" !ou

ha*en't gone out" ('*e 0ust thought o% a ne# storyOne u&on a

time there li*ed'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arhre#d as they're $orn,this #oman, hard as a nail, and #ith #hat a sense o% &ro&ertyB

he'd raise hell i% a s&ot o% #ine %ell on one o% her +ouis Quin4e

hairs Authenti +ouis Quin4e, o% ourse they #ereL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arThey e&lain &eo&le like that $y saying that their

minds are in #ater-tight om&artments, $ut it ne*er seemed so to

me (t's all #ashing a$out, like the $ilge in the hold o% a shi&, all

#ashing around in the same hold - no #ater-tight om&a

rtments5airies, red roses, the sense o% &ro&erty - O% ourse

they don't %eel things like #e do - +ilies in the moonlight - (

$elie*e in sur*i*al a%ter death ('*e had &ersonal &roo% o% it And

#e'll %ind our dear, %amiliar $odies on the other side - amuel

has %orgotten to $uy his su&&ositories - Pity #ould $e outo%

&lae in this instane - ( ne*er take &eo&le like that to e&ensi*erestaurants Quite unneessary and &uts ideas into their heads

(t's not kind, really - Ne*ertheless, all the little $irdies sing -

Psyhoanalysis might hel& Adler is more #holesome than

5reud, don't you think" - English 0udges ne*er make a mistake -

The &iano is 3uite Egy&tian in %eelingL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&arAll #ashing around in the same hold No #ater-tight

om&artmentsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)ell, ( am trying to tell

Rene a$out all this and giggling a good deal, #hen hesto&s me

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut ( kno# that #oman ( kno# her *ery

#ellL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAgain you don't $elie*e me This

time you shall $elie*e me +isten, she #as like this-' .e

desri$es her eatly 'And the house #as like this-' .e dra#s a



little &lan on the $ak o% an en*elo&e '.ere are the &alm trees

.ere are the entrane ste&s That terri$le English $utler they had

- do you remem$er" The t#o a$inets here #ith 0ade, the other

t#o a$inets #ith a olletion o% hina The dou$le irular stairase - do you remem$er ho# they used to ome do#n it

at night "'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es,' ( say ' F( kno# ho# to

#alk do#n a stairase, meFL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hih

$edroom did you ha*e " ?id you ha*e the one on the

seond %loor #ith thegreen satin di*an in the ante-ham$er to the

$athroom"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No ( had a 3uite ordinary

one on the third %loor 1ut #hat an array o% sent-$ottlesB (

dream o% them sometimes'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'(t #as aridiulous house, #asn't it"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( #as *ery

muh im&ressed,' ( say '(t's the only millionaire's house ('*e

e*er stayed in in my li%e'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('*e stayed in

muh riher ones than that ('*e stayed in one so rih that

#hen you &ulled the la*atory-&lug it &layed a tuneRih &eo&le

- you ha*e to $e sorry %or them They ha*en't the slightest idea

ho# to s&end their moneyC they ha*en't the slightest idea ho# toen0oy themsel*es Either they ha*e no taste at all, or, i% they

ha*e any taste, it's like a mausoleum and they're shut u& in it'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell you're going to alter all that, aren't

you"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arO% ourse, there's no dou$t that this

man has stayed in this house and does kno# these &eo&le One

#ould think that that #ould gi*e us more on%idene in eah

other Not at all, it makes us sus&iious There's no dou$t that a

strit anonymity is a hel& on these oasionsL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar)hen did all this ha&&en, and #hat is his story" ?id he

stay in 5rane %or a time, get into trou$le o*er here and then 0oin

the +egion" (s that the story" )ell, any #ay, #hat's it matter

to me #hat his story is" ( e&et he has a di%%erentone e*ery



dayL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( say/ 'Euse me a minute,' &rimly,

and go do#n to the la*atoryL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThis is another

la*atory that ( kno# *ery #ell, another o% the #ell-kno#n

mirrorsL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell, #ell,' it says, 'last time youlooked in here you #ere a $it di%%erent, #eren't you " )ould you

$elie*e me that, o% all the %aes ( see, ( remem$er eahone, that (

kee& a ghost to thro# $ak at eah one - lightly, like an eho -

#hen it looks into me again"' All glasses in all la*a$os do this

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut it's not as $ad as it might $e This is

0ust the inter*al #hen drink makes you look nie, $e%ore it

makes you look a#%ulL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e says/ '!ou're

al#ays disa&&earing into the la*a$o, you >'est aga%ant'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hat do you e&et"' ( say, staring at him

'('m getting old'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e %ro#ns 'No, don't say

that

got to #here you're a%raid to $e young ( kno# They'*e

%rightened you, ha*en't they" )hy do you let them %righten you"They al#ays try to do that, i% it isn't in one #ay it's in another'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Thanks %or the good ad*ie ('ll try

to remem$er it No# ('m all ready %or another one'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut you said that i% you drink too muh you

ry'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAnd ( ha*e a horror o% &eo&le #ho ry

#hen they're drunk'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( don't %eel a $it

like that Ne*er ha&&ier in my li%e'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e

looks at me and says/ 'No, ( don't think you are going to ry All

right'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAnd here's another $randy ( s3uirt

the soda in and #ath the $u$$les rising u&%rom the $ottom o%

the glass ('ll drink it slo#ly, this oneL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell,

don't $e too long 5inish that, and then #e'll go - 'L&ar L&ard



Lhy&h&ar')here to"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell, to your hotel

or to the 1oule*ard Ras&ail Just as you like!ou're suh a

stu&id #oman,' he says, 'suh a stu&id #oman )hy do you go

on &retending" No#, look me straight in the eyes and say youdon't #ant to'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'O% ourse ( do'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Then #hy #on't you" At least tell me #hy you

#on't omething that you #ould like and that ( #ould like - '

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'omething so unim&ortant'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'Oh, im&ortantB' he says '1ut it #ould $e nie At least

tell me #hy you #on't, or is that too muh to ask"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'Oh no, it's not too muh to ask ('ll tell you (t's $eause

('m a%raid'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'A%raid,' he says, 'a%raidB 1ut#hat are you a%raid o%"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar!ou think ('ll

strangle you, or ut your throat %or the sake o% that $eauti%ul ring

o% yours (s that it"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No, ('m sure you

#ouldn't kill me to get my ring'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Then

&erha&s you are a%raid ('ll kill you, not $eause ( #ant money,

$ut $eause ( like to do $ad things 1ut that's #here you're so

stu&id )ith you, ( don't#ant to do $ad things'L&ar L&ardLhy&h&arFThere's al#ays the one that you don't #ant to do $ad

things #ith, isn't there"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, there's al#ays

the one,' he says '( #ant to lie lose to you and %eel your arms

round me'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAnd tell me e*erything,

e*erything.e has said that $it $e%oreL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'Oh, sto& talking a$out it'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'O%

ourse,' he says '1ut %irst, 0ust as a matter o% uriosity, ('d like to

kno# #hat you are so a%raid o% 5inish your drink and tell me

Just as a matter o%uriosity'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( dink

omething in his *oie has hurt me ( an't say anything My

throat hurts and ( an't say anythingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!ou

are a%raid o% me !ou think ('m mehant !ou do think ( might



Lhy&h&arE*erything s&oiled, all s&oiled )ell, don't ry a$out it

No, ( #on't ry a$out it1ut may you tear eah other to $its,

you damned hyenas, and the 3uiker the $etter+et it $e

destroyed +et it ha&&en +et it end, this old insanity +et itha&&enL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arOnly %i*e minutes ago ( #as in the

?eu Magots, dressed in that damned hea& $lak dress o% mine,

giggling and talking a$out Anti$es, and no# ( am lying in

a misery o% utter darkness Quite alone No *oie, no touh, no

hand.o# long must ( lie here" 5or e*er" No, only %or a

ou&le o% hundred years this time, missL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(

hea*e mysel% out o% the darkness slo#ly, &ain%ully And there (

am, and therehe is, the &oor gigoloL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.elooks sad .e says, s&eaking in a lo# *oie and %or the %irst

time #ith a *ery strong aent/ '( ha*e #ounds,' &ronouning

'#ounds' so oddly that ( don't understand #hat he means

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!ou ha*e #hat"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( look

round .a*e ( sreamed, shouted, ursed, ried, made a sene"

(s anyone looking at us, is anyone notiing us"

No, no$odyThe #oman at the desk is sitting #ith her eyes astdo#n ( notie the eat shade o% the $lue eye-shado# onher

lids They must see the start o% some %unny things, these #omen

&erhed u& in a%es, &erhed u& like idols Es&eially the ones

at the ?omeL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!ou ha*e #hat"'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'+ook,' he says, still s&eaking in a #his&er

.e thro#s his head u& There is along sar, going aross his

throat No# ( understand #hat it means - %rom ear to ear A long,

thik, #hite sar (t's strange that ( ha*en't notied it $e%ore

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e says/ 'That is one There are other ones (

ha*e $een #ounded'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(t isn't $oast%ul, the

#ay he says this, nor om&laining (t's &u44led, &u44ledin an

im&ersonal #ay, as i% he is asking me - me, o% all &eo&le - #hy,



#hy, #hy"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arPity you" )hy should ( &ity

you" No$ody has e*er &itied me They are #ithout mery

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( ha*e too,' ( say in a surly *oie 'Moi

aussi'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( kno# ( an see that ( $elie*eyou'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell,' ( say, 'i% #e're going to

start $elie*ing eah other, it's getting serious, isn't it"'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar( #ant to get out o% this dreamL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'1ut #hy shouldn't #e $elie*e eah other" )hy

shouldn't #e $elie*e eah other 0ust %or tonight" )ill you

$elie*e something ('m going to say to you no#" ( #ant

a$solutely to make lo*e to you'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( told you

%rom the start you #ere #asting your time'L&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar')hat ha&&ened to you, #hat ha&&ened"' he says

'omething $ad must ha*e ha&&ened to make you like this'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar

'One thing" (t #asn't one thing (t took years (t #as a slo#

&roess'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e says/ '(t doesn't matter )hat (kno# is that ( ould do this #ith you' - hemakes a mo*ement

#ith his hands like a $aker kneading a loa% o% $read - 'and

a%ter#ards you'd $e di%%erent ( kno# 1elie*e me'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar( #ath the little grimaing de*il in my head .e

#ears a to& hat and a ahe-see and he sings a sentimental song

- 'The roses all are %aded and the lilies inthe dust'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar( say/ 'No# #ho's trying to make an unim&ortant thing

sound im&ortant"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh, im&ortant,

unim&ortant - that's 0ust #ords (% #e an $e ha&&y %or a little,

%orget e*erything %or a little, isn't that im&ortant enough"No#

#e'll go)e'll go $ak to your hotel'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar+ea*e me alone ('m tiredL&ar L&ard



Lhy&h&ar'till rien a %aire"' .e starts to laughL&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'till rien a %aire A$solutely rien a %aire'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar1ut e*erything is so hanged, ( an't look at him '(

must go Please ('m so tired'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar(n the tai (say/ ')histle that tune, #ill you" The one you said is the marh

o% the +egion'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e #histles it *ery so%tly

And ( #ath the streets through the #indo# A l'.otel de

l'Es&eraneL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( am in a little #hite#ashed

room The sun is hot outside A man is standing #ith his $ak to

me, #histling that tune and leaning his shoes ( am #earing

a $lak dress, *ery short, and heel-less sli&&ers My legs are

$are ( am #athing %or the e&ression on the man's %ae#hen he turns round No# he ill-treats me, no# he $etrays me

.e o%ten $rings home other #omen and ( ha*e to #ait on them,

and ( don't like that 1ut as long as he is ali*e and near me (

am not unha&&y (% he #ere to die ( should kill mysel% My %ilm-

mind6'5or God's sake #ath out %or your %ilm-mind'7

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hat are you laughing at no#"' he says

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Nothing, nothing( do like that tune ?oyou think ( ould get a gramo&honereord o% it"L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'( don't kno#'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e are at the door

o% the hotelL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Good night,' he says 'lee&

#ell Take a $ig dose o% luminal'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( #ill

And the same to you'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( am not sad as ( go

u&stairs, not sad, not ha&&y, not regret%ul, not thinking o%

anything muh Ee&t that ( see *ery learly in my head the

tu$e o% luminal and the $ottle o% #hisky (n aseL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&arJust as ( ha*e got to my door there is a lik and

e*erything is in darkness (m&ossi$le to get the key in ( must

ross the &ith-$lak landing to the head o%the stairs and &ut the

time-s#ith on againL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( am %eeling %or the



kno$ #hen ( see the light o% a igarette a yard or t#o %rom my

%ae ( stand %or #hat seems a long #hile #athing it Then ( all

out/ ')ho is it " )ho's there " Qui est la"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar1ut $e%ore he ans#ers ( kno# ( take a ste& %or#ard and &ut my arms round himL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( ha*e my arms

round him and ( $egin to laugh, $eause ( am so ha&&y ( stand

there hugging him, so terri$ly ha&&y No# e*erything is in my

arms on this dark landing - lo*e, youth, s&ring, ha&&iness,

e*erything ( thought ( had lost ( #as a %ool, #asn't (" to think

all that #as %inished %or me .o# ould it $e %inished"L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar( &ut u& my hand and touh his hair ('*e #anted

to do that e*er sine ( %irst sa# himL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'?id (%righten you at %irst"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e has &ut the light

on .e looks &leased, $ut sur&risedL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No,

no,' ( say '!es, a $itNo'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar

1ut ( #his&er and look round %ear%ully )hat do ( e&et to see "

There is no$ody on the landing - nothing Nothing $ut the

ommis' shoes $y his door, the toesare%ully &ointed out#ards as

usualL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e takes the key %rom my hand,

o&ens the door and shuts it a%ter us )e kiss eah other %er*ently,

$ut already something has gone #rong ( am uneasy, hal% o%

mysel% some#here else ?id any$ody hear me, #as any$ody

listening 0ust no#"L&arL&ard Lhy&h&ar'(t's dark in hereJust a

minute, ('ll %i it'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThe s#ith in my room

#orks either the light near the $ed or the one o*er the urtained

#ash-$asin - it de&ends on ho# %ar the kno$ is &ushed 1ut itis al#aysgoing #rong and doing one thing #hen you e&et it to

do another ( %um$le #ithit %or some time $e%ore ( an get the

lam& near the $ed goingL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arNo# the room

s&rings out at me, laughing, trium&hant The $ig $ed, the little



$ed, the ta$le #ith the tu$e o% luminal, the glass and the $ottle o%

E*ian, the t#o $ooks, the lok tiking on the ledge, the menu -

'T'as om&is" i, 0'ai om&ris'5our #alls, a roo% and a $ed

+es .ommes en >ageEatlyL&ar L&ardLhy&h&ar.ere #eare Nothing to sto& us 5our #alls, a roo%, a $ed, a $idet, a

s&otlight that goes on %irst o*er the $idet and then o*er the $ed -

nothing to sto& us Anything you likeC anything ( likeNo &ast

to make us sentimental, no %uture to em$arrass usA di%%iult

moment #hen you are out o% &ratie - a moment that makes

you go old, old and #aryL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ould you

like some #hisky"' ( say '('*e got some'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar6That's original ( $et no$ody's e*er thought o% that #ayo% $ridging the ga& $e%ore7L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( take my oat

and hat o%%, get the $ottle o% #hisky ( rinse the tooth-glass out,

mi mysel% a drink and mi one %or him in the E*ian glass,

#hih is lean (do all this as slo#ly as &ossi$le Time, time,

gi*e me time - #ait a minute, #ait a minute, not yetL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar)e sit on the small $ed .e takes one si& o%

#hisky and &uts the glass a#ayL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'(sn't itright" ?on't you like it"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, it's all right (

don't #ant to drink'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Mine tastes a#%ul (t

tastes o% mouth#ash'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arFThen #hy do you

drink it" ?on't drink it'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAll the same, ( go

on si&&ing a#ay mall si&s Not yet, not yet)ait a

minute!ou #on't $e unkind7 #ill you" 5or God's sake,

say something kind to meL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar1ut his eyes

are ironial as he #athes me ( don't think he is going to say

anything kind On the ontrary 1ut that's natural ('*e got

to e&et that Tehni3ueL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( say/ '(t's %unny

ho# some men try to get you to s#ill as muh as you an

hold, and others try to sto& you Automatially ome &ro%ound



instint seems to getgoing omething raial - yes, ('m sure it's

raial'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e says/ 'Just no# on the landing

- you kne# it #as me"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, o% ourse'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut ho# ould you ha*e kno#n $e%ore( said anything"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( did kno#,' ( say

o$stinatelyL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Then you kne# that ( #as

oming u& a%ter you !ou e&eted me to"'L&ar

L&ardLhy&h&ar'Oh no, ( didn't ( didn't a $it'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar.e laughs and &uts his hand on my knee under my

dress ( hate that (t reminds me o% - Ne*er mindL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!ou lo*e &laying a omedy, don't you"'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'.o# do you mean - a omedy"' ( shouldn't ha*etaken #hisky on to& o% $randy (t's making me %eel 3uarrelsome

&arks o% anger, o% resentment, shooting all o*er meA

omedy, #hat omedy"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arA omedy, my

GodB The damned room grinning at me The lok tikingL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar

Qu'est-e 3u'elle %out ii, la *ieille"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('m

going to ha*e another #hisky' 'No, don't drink any more'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arOh, go to hell( &ush his hand a#ay and

get u&L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Tell me something !ou think that (

meant you all the time to ome u& here, and that e*erything else

( said this e*ening #as #hat you all a omedy"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'( kne# you really #anted me to ome u& - yes That

#as easy to see,' he saysL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( ould kill him

%or the #ay he said that, and %or the #ay he is looking at

meEasy, easy, %ree and easy Easy to %ool, easy to torture, easy

to laugh at 1ut not again Oh no, not again!ou'*e $een

unkind too soon 1ad tehni3ueL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'.ooray,' (



say, 'here's to you (t #as s#eet o% you to ome u& and ( #as

*ery &leased to see you No# you'*e got to go'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'O% ourse ('m not going )hy are you like this" ?on't

$e like this'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'No, it's no use ('d rather you #ent'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')ell, ('m not going,' he says '(

#ant to see this omedy !ou'll ha*e to all%or someone to &ut

me outL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAu seours, au seours,' he shouts

in a high %alsetto *oie '+ike that(% you #ant to make yoursel%

ridiulous'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'('*e $een so ridiulous all my

li%e that a little $it more or a little $it less hardly matters no#'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'>all out, then Go on Or #hy don't you ra&

on the #all and ask your %riend net door to hel& you 'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arAs soon as he says this ( am *ery 3uiet (% there

is one thing on earth ( #ant to a*oid, it is a sene in this hotel

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'( don't #ant to ha*e a ro# here,' ( say 'Only

you'*e got to go'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar')hy"'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar')ell, $eause ( tell you to go And you'll go'L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Just like that"'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'!es, 0ust like

that'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'1ut #hat do you think ( am - a littledog" !ou think you an %irst kiss me andthen say to me FGet

outF"L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar!ou ha*en't looked #ell at me(

don't like it,' he says, 'that *oie that gi*es orders'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar)ell, ( ha*en't al#ays liked it, either - the *oie that

gi*es ordersL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'=ery #ell, ( ask you to go'

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar'Oh, you annoy me,' he says '!ou

annoy me, you annoy me' And there #e are - struggling on the

small $ed My idea is not so muh to struggle as to make it a

silent struggle No$ody must hear us At the end, he is lying on

me, holding do#nmy t#o s&read arms ( an't mo*e My dress is

torn o&en at the nek 1ut ( ha*emy knees %irmly lam&ed



together This is a game - a game &layed in the sno# %or a

#orthless &ri4e

.e is $reathing 3uikly and ( an %eel his heart $eating ( am

3uite alm 'This is really a $it omi,' ( kee& thinking Also (think/ '.e looks mehant, he ould $e mehant, this man'

( shut my eyes $eause ( #ant to stay alm, ( #ant to $e a$le to

kee& thinking/'This is really damned omi'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar')e're on the #rong $ed,' ( say 'And #ith all our

lothes on, too Just like English &eo&le'L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar'Oh, #e ha*e a lot o% time )e ha*e all night )e

ha*e till tomorro#'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arA long time tilltomorro# A hundred years, &erha&s, till tomorro#L&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e omes in .e shuts the door a%ter him

L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( lie *ery still, #ith my arm o*er my eyes

As still as i% ( #ere deadL&ar

L&ard Lhy&h&ar( don't need to look ( kno#L&ar L&ard

Lhy&h&ar( think/ '(s it the $lue dressing go#n, or the #hite one"

That's *ery im&ortant ( must %ind that out - it's *ery im&ortant'L&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar( take my arm a#ay %rom my eyes (t is the

#hite dressing go#nL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&ar.e stands there,

looking do#n at me Not sure o% himsel%, his mean eyes

%likering .e doesn't say anything Thank God, he doesn't

say anything ( look straight into his eyes and des&ise another

&oor de*il o% a human $eing %or the last time 5or the last

timeL&ar L&ard Lhy&h&arThen ( &ut my arms round him and &ull him do#n on to the $ed, saying/ '!es - yes - yes'