2
for ANZAPA #258 - December 2010
and for display on eFanzines (www.efanzines.com)
Creationists believe that God hates show tunes.
Evolutionists say that show tunes are a natural way
for the sick and feeble minded to recognize each other.
Which group is correct?
…posted on a window back stage of Melbourne‟s State Theatre
Contents
The Life of Graeme ............................................................................................................................................ 3
This Issue‟s Cover .............................................................................................................................................. 5
Letters from America ......................................................................................................................................... 6
Rare excerpt from my personal diary ................................................................................................................. 7
LoC from Tim Train ........................................................................................................................................... 8
Confessions of a science fiction fan ................................................................................................................... 9
Happy Christmas, Mervyn ............................................................................................................................... 22
Space Age urban myth ..................................................................................................................................... 23
Commuting by jetpack – the only way to go in 2011 ....................................................................................... 23
Conventions on the horizon .............................................................................................................................. 24
Clerihew corner ................................................................................................................................................ 25
Stefan zone ....................................................................................................................................................... 26
Art, etc. credits… Cover: Graphic by Ditmar
Page 2 Photos of Bill Wright and Dick Jenssen
Page 3 Graphic by Ditmar
Page 4 Illustration by Terry Morris
Page 5 Illustration by John Bangsund
Page 6 Illustration by Ian Gunn
Page 8 Photo of NZ‟s MONIAC computer (1949)
Page 8 Photo of the late Sebastian Horsley
Page 9 Magazine cover of short story by Sydney
Futurians founder-member Vol Molesworth
Page 9 Photo of Mervyn Binns producing
fanzines on the Roneo duplicator (1956)
Page 9 Cover MSFC journal Etherline (1957)
Pages 10-21 Photos of Mervyn Binns and friends
from the 1950s to Aussiecon 4 in 2010
Page 22 Photos by Helena Binns
Page 23 Amazing pictures of jetpack commutes
Page 24 Convention logos
Page 25 Illustration by Ian Gunn
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The Life of Graeme
So you think you have it tough - Try this for size…
It‟s a personal account, totally unedited, of the life of a young
man called Graeme, written eight years ago at about the time of
his 35th birthday. Allegorically, but graphically, it briefly
describes his life up to that time. It also provides an
extraordinary insight into the character and personality of the
man.
Graeme, a natural writer and an intelligent, questioning man,
had no formal training in the art of writing. He educated
himself by searching to extend his knowledge about all he
became interested in.
Graeme died a few days ago, aged 43 years, from
complications associated with Tourette‟s syndrome and
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
The Walls of Purgatory graphic by Ditmar
This is Graeme's story…
It was a bright and shiny day in Heaven when the Lord was sitting on top of his Big Golden Throne made out
of marshmallows, candy and smiles. All of a sudden he heard a rumbling below and shouted, “What is all that
commotion?" The angels, as one, chorused. “We are so bored, my Lord!" The Lord sat back in his Big Golden
Throne and thought. “Hmm ok, I have an idea my sweet angels. Come up and sit next to me". So he gathered
all his angels and they all gathered around the Lord.
“Ok, well I have been thinking, my sweet angels, and I have an idea how to take your boredom away. Would
you like me to keep you entertained for the next... say... 35 years?"
"Oh yes please, my Lord. That would be wonderful," the angels squealed.
“Fabulous," said the Lord, "Well, here's my plan. I'm going to take a baby, any baby," he giggled under his
breath, "and I'm going to make him start thrashing his head so hard against his shoulder blade that his head
will hurt. Then I will make him smash his elbow into his side so as to give him intense bruising and tummy
pains for a long, long time! His body will move in all kinds of weird and wonderful ways, and his language
will be extremely loud and foul. The look on his face will keep you amused for years, my sweet angels!”
"Hoorah!" exclaimed the angels!
"Oh, don't get too excited as I am barely even started yet. I am also going to make him emit silly, annoying
sounds. Not only will you be laughing, I will give the whole world a chance to do so as well, for your Lord is
a sharing Lord. He will curse out every single type of person, as your Lord is a very fair Lord and he doesn't
discriminate. He will call thin people fat, straight people gay, and those he loves he will say he hates! How
clever and amusing is that my sweet angels? But that's not all. I will also give him a drinking habit that will
segregate and destroy his friends, his family and work, but because I am a fair Lord, I will stop this drinking
just before he has a chance to be up here with all of us! And Satan thinks HE has his own little hell!"
And the angels all bellowed with laughter.
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The angels were so very happy with the Lords plan that they demanded more. "W ell let's not be
too over the top. After all, it's only something to while your time away." The angels were
disheartened. "Ok, well maybe just one more thing. How about I add in a little extra where he
cannot keep any food down and his body turns into a terrible mess and he finds it so very difficult
to recover and I will also play a tiny trick on him where he creates laughter, finger pointing and
amusement everywhere he goes ... and the best part of-this game is that you will be able to watch
him every waking minute of the day!"
The Lord sat back and watched the angels cheering, but then all of a sudden he noticed out of the
corner of his eye, one little angel sitting cross-legged, with his head bowed. The Lord went and
sat down beside the angel and whispered, “What is wrong my sweet angel?"
"Well, my Lord, this is a very fun game but isn‟t it a bit silly to put a little baby, who will turn into
a man, who hasn't done anything to hurt you, through so much pain and torture for the whole of
his life?"
The Lord thought for a second. "I know what you mean my sweet angel, so I have accounted for that…
"Fear not, my sweet angel, for I will also give the baby an almighty strength of character and will help him
cope. I will also give him a loving home with a beautiful family and I will surround him with a bevy of
immensely supporting friends who will watch over him and help him through life. I will endow him with a
charming wit, intelligence, a giving, caring nature and a sparkle in his eye. But the one thing that will save this
boy, sweet angel ... I will give him hope that I have saved for ten men.”
The Lord smiled, as he knew, amongst all the pain, that the baby would be ok.
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This Issue’s Cover
It’s Santa Clause, Jim, but not as we know him... Graphic and notes by Dick Jenssen
The exploration of other universes on nearby branes has been intense, swift and as thorough as possible. It
was reported in the previous issue of Interstellar Ramjet Scoop that glimpses into the plethora of universes
described by String Theory have been effected, but only for, so far, three such alternates. The „glimpses‟ are
fragmentary, lasting but for a few minutes at a time, and could be variable in both space and time – the
piecing together of such shards is problematic at best, and for two of the neighbouring universes is nigh
impossible inasmuch as they seem devoid of life, even though the views of both are apparently from the
surfaces of respective planets. Stars are in evidence. The third universe – and again the sightings are from the
one planet – has provided the most coherent set of „shards‟.
When the contact with the universes was reported, and the fragmentary views described, the response from
some scientists was negative in the extreme, and disbelief, coupled with violently vituperative comments, was
the reaction of some reactionary theorists. It was, perhaps, unfortunate that the word „shard‟ was used in the
preliminary reports, for this was seized upon by the antagonists who pointed out that one meaning of the word
was „a patch of cow-dung‟. Fortunately the disbelievers were in the minority, and when four other research
institutes, world-wide, reported contact with the same three branes, criticism was reduced to a small group.
The cover photograph is from the most recent release of information from the Kimball Research Faculty, an
affiliate of the Super Hadron Collider, and forms part of the „story‟ reported on in the previous issue of IRS.
It seems that the submarine – apparently called the Cedilla (the under-sea cedilla, of course [Note 1]) – which
had foundered on a viscous beach had been salvaged, restored and refitted, and was continuing its
explorations. Because the values of the fundamental constants [Note 2] of the parallel universe were so close
to ours, the evolution of that universe, creation of stars, planets and life followed a remarkably similar course.
Even to the extent – though this is so extraordinary that the deniers of the reality of the other worlds use it as
fuel for their extreme dubiety – that an avatar of our Santa Claus exists!
Clearly, the mysteries of our neighbour are vast, complex and even, perhaps, unfathomable. As more
information is gleaned, readers of IRS will, of course be kept informed.
Notes:
1. Thanks to John Bangsund for the cedilla under sea joke. I heard it
some forty years ago, and have never forgotten. The drawing is by
Bangsund. He liked to illustrate his puns.
2. Just Six Numbers by Martin Rees, and The Constants of Nature
by John D. Barrow.
The Primal Nerd’s Corner
The image on the right is a 216-digit number displayed as an 18x12 matrix. As is
obvious, it clearly contains an image of the digit „2‟. To „unpack‟ the number, add
the second row to the end of the first, the third row to the end of that, and so on. This
216-digit number is a prime! Which pattern-wise hides within itself the image of the
only even prime number...
Now consider the 10x10 array on the left. Every row
and column and diagonal is a prime number! But wait:
Every row and column and diagonal written backwards
is also a prime number!! There’s more: unpacking the array as for the number on
the right results in a 100-digit number which is also a prime!!! And that’s not
all: that 100-digit number written backwards is also a prime!!!!
There‟s more to be found in Prime Curios! by Chris Caldwell and G L Honaker
Jr. My copy came from – as usual – amazon.com. With the Aussie dollar above
parity with the US dollar it‟s a good time to bulk up the library.
Ditmar
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Letters from America
Loc from Lloyd Penney
1706-24 Eva Rd., Etobicoke, Ontario, CANADA M9C 2B2
October 30th, 2010
Dear Bill:
It‟s time for another letter of comment, this time the October Interstellar Ramjet Scoop. I hope everyone‟s
recovered from Aussiecon 4.Things should be warming up there as it gets cooler here. What else can I say?…
Alternate universes in the order of 10500
? One is difficult enough to figure out, if that‟s possible at all. If this is
true, can a universe be called a universe? A paraverse? The megaverse? The more there are books that allow
the public a look into these theoretical aspects of reality, the more they‟ll be accepted.
Chris‟ loc…yup, Ditmar will be on my ballot next year. Hey, Aussiecon members, remember that even if you
are not a member of the Reno Worldcon, you can still nominate for the Reno Hugos. (If you want to vote on
the final ballot, you must be a Reno member.)
My loc…nope, no silver rocket for me, but the ride was great, and I hope I get the chance to ride in Reno. We
plan to be there, barring unforeseen circumstances. More Hobbit news; the filming of the first of the two
Hobbit movies starts in February. Yay!
Dinosaur computers? When Yvonne and I got married, one of our wedding presents was a Vic20. I don‟t think
we used it beyond making sound effects for a slide show, We‟ve been smart shoppers when it comes to
electronics; we won‟t buy it unless we decide that we need it. One computer I‟d like to see is the proposed
reproduction of Charles Babbage‟s difference engine, and see what it can actually do. If memories could be
downloaded onto computers, that would mean that they could be made into files. If you are forgetful, could
your memories literally be backed up on a disk?
I wonder if Jan Stinson would get her own Ditmar for Steam Engine Time. True, she‟s not Australian, but if
she was the co-editor of the zine, should she get her own trophy?
The Aurora Awards are the latest awards to hand out nomination pins, and for those of us who have been
gathering a handful of nominations over the years, we will receive one pin to cover all of those. There will be
a special ceremony next month at a new convention called SFContario, and Yvonne and I will be among a
throng of people who will receive our special pins. I hope to add it to my Hugo nomination pin, which has not
yet arrived at my address.
All done for now, have to start thinking about going to work this evening. Many thanks, and see you next
issue. Happy Hallowe‟en!
Yours, Lloyd Penney.
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LoC from Chris Garcia
October 18th, 2010
1401 North Shoreline Boulevard, Mountain View CA 94943, United States of America
Sadly, time is short, but I had to get this off before I forgot.
Dick Jensen‟s my hero, not only for that fantastic cover, but for his piece on the Ancient Computers of the
kind that fill the Computer History Museum, where I type this LoC. CSIRAC is mentioned in the Timeline of
Computer History exhibit we‟re just putting the finishing touches on, and it‟s mentioned in one of my sections
about Computer Music. While some argue for a couple of English machines, CSIRAC is certainly the first
general-purpose computer to play music and that music still survives! It‟s an amazing machine, and I
understand it still exists!
We have something from Silliac (I believe a paper tape) though I‟ve never heard of UTECOM, so perhaps I‟ll
have to drag more info out of Ditmar on it! Now here‟s the funny part: we‟ve got a part of it. The English
Electric Deuce computer used a drum memory, which was eventually given to us. It even has the property tag
from the School of Engineering!
I do know a good deal about ILLIAC, have worked with pieces of it, have heard the record The Illiac Suite,
the first computer to compose music, and have studied it‟s use in music and calculation. It‟s a majorly
important machine and the ILLIAC-IV is in the collection of the museum. It was the multi-processor version
that was supposed to be in Illinois and ended up at Moffett Field here in California.
Now it looks like I should be trying to set-up an Oral History of Ditmar. If I could only find a funder for the
trip…
Even earlier than anything the Greeks did as a calculator was a tax figurer from Babylonia, of which at least
one reference seems to exist. It‟s one of those thing us Historian Types argue about. I think the description
that boils down to „taxed according to the turn of a wheel‟ would indicate at least a basic analog computing
device.
There is a gentleman in the UK who is trying to get several million bucks to build an Analytical Engine.
Technologically, it‟s doable.
It is almost painful reading all the Aussiecon coverage. I so wish I could have been there. That, and shortly
thereafter the loss of my beloved Geelong Cats in the Premiereship made it even harder. And then they lost
Ablett to Gold Coast. So much pain!!! I am hoping that a 2012 visit to down that way will be doable. I‟ve
been trying to convince Linda to run for DUFF, which would make it even easier!
That photo of Ditmar and John Hertz is a great way to end a zine!
I guess it wasn‟t so brief after all!
Thanks
Chris
--
Rare excerpt from my personal diary
Thursday 27th October 2010
Last night was one of the most enjoyable Fourth Wednesdays yet. Good food and good company is a good
mix, except that Sarah Endacott‟s so-called „gourmet pizza‟ looked to me to be inedible judging from the way
she was sawing at the thing and pushing bits and pieces of it around on the plate. The movement of her fork
had a mesmerising effect on me. So, to break the spell, I interrupted her conversation with the waiter and
chose her wine for her. I thought about that when I woke up at three o‟clock this morning and examined my
conscience.
Bill Wright
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LoC from Tim Train
18th
October 2010
Bill, I‟ve been leafing through IRS and enjoying it muchly, as always. I read out portions of Ditmar's piece on
working with CSIRAC and LWRE and other early computers to Alexis: She, too, admires Ditmar‟s ability to
explain complicated/technical details in simple and entertaining ways. That being said I'm still trying to work
up the courage to read his explanation of 'this issue's cover' - every time I glance at it words such as
'superstring theory' and 'Large Hadron Collider' and 'Brownian motion' leap out at me. I did a BA. 'Brownian
motion' sounds to me less like a physical state and more like something that happens in the lavatory.
However, all that aside, Ditmar's piece on CSIRAC reminded me again of this piece on MONIAC, which my
father sent to me some time ago (and I mentioned last month):
LINK: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MONIAC
exhibited at the Reserve Bank of New Zealand →
Wikipedia explains: "The MONIAC (Monetary National Income
Analogue Computer) also known as the Phillips Hydraulic Computer
and the Financephalograph, was created in 1949 by the New Zealand
economist Bill Phillips (William Phillips) to model the national economic
processes of the United Kingdom."
It goes on to describe the workings of the MONIAC: "The MONIAC was
approximately 2 m high, 1.2 m wide and almost 1 m deep, and consisted of
a series of transparent plastic tanks and pipes which were fastened to a wooden board. Each tank represented
some aspect of the UK national economy and the flow of money around the economy was illustrated by
coloured water. At the top of the board was a large tank called the treasury. Water (representing money)
flowed from the treasury to other tanks representing the various ways in which a country could spend its
money. For example, there were tanks for health and education. To increase spending on health care a tap
could be opened to drain water from the treasury to the tank which represented health spending. Water then
ran further down the model to other tanks, representing other interactions in the economy. Water could be
pumped back to the treasury from some of the tanks to represent taxation. Changes in tax rates were modelled
by increasing or decreasing pumping speed."
I assume Ditmar knows about all this already! Anyway, there really is one on display in Melbourne: The
MONIAC at The University of Melbourne, Australia, is on permanent display in the main building of the
Faculty of Business and Economics (1st Floor, Business and Economics Building, 57 Swanston St, Parkville,
Melbourne). The faculty has extended an invitation to anyone interested in restoring the MONIAC to
functional capacity. When Mum and Dad get here in a few days I'll take them to visit, I think.
Thanks for the review of Badgers Dozen in your August 2010 issue. I notice that Chris Garcia commented on
it in the October 2010 issue. He sounds interested, so I'd better contact him shortly.
I looked up details of 'The Chap' again; I got their web address wrong last time.
The correct weblink is: www.thechap.net. „The Chap‟ takes a wry look at the
modern world through the steamed-up monocle of a more refined age, occasionally
getting its sock suspenders into a twist at the unspeakable vulgarity of the twenty-
first century, eg.
“Since 1999, The Chap has been championing the rights of that increasingly
marginalised and discredited species of Englishman - the gentleman. The Chap
believes that a civilisation without courteous behaviour and proper headwear is a
society on the brink of moral and sartorial collapse, and it seeks to reinstate such
outmoded but indispensable gestures as hat doffing, giving up one's seat to a lady
and regularly using a trouser press”
Do poke around the website; it is quite entertaining. Cheerio! Tim
Lounging is the late Sebastian Horsley, erstwhile role model for readers of ‘The Chap’ bent on depravity.
Sebastian’s fame came from doing very little, really, except by way of debauchery from which he died. Ed.
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Confessions of a science fiction fan
In the editor’s Aussiecon 4 report in IRS October 2010, there are two pages celebrating the giving of the
Forrest J Ackerman Big Heart Award to foundation member (1952) and early mainstay of the Melbourne
Science Fiction Club, Mervyn R Binns. Mervyn was speechless then, but IRS has prevailed upon him to jot
down his reminiscences after the event. Here they are now…
- - Ж - -
“The Speech I might have given when I was presented with the Big Heart Award at AUSSIECON 4
(if I hadn‟t been at a loss for words).” by Mervyn Russell Binns
--
I have been interested in science, real and imagined and the world in general, for over seventy years. It started
with the Buck Rogers comic strip that I read in my mother‟s copies of the New Idea magazine in the 1930s
and my father pointing out the constellations in the stars, among other things.
It was comics and boys‟ magazines and a copy of a small magazine-
format science fiction novel which I read when I was about five years
old, by Vol Molesworth (who, I discovered many years later, was one
of the founders of the Futurian Science Fiction Society in Sydney), that
furthered my interest in astronomy and other related scientific matters.
I did not know that the stuff I liked reading was called science fiction
and attempts to find more such literature led me to reading actual
science writings rather than fiction. A radio serial based on Australian
journalist Erle Cox‟s novel OUT OF THE SILENCE, movie serials
such as Flash Gordon, the Dan Dare comic magazine and such as
Brick Bradford comic strips and finally the first real SF magazine
published in Australia, Thrills Incorporated, as bad as it was, were
further fuel for my interest.
I read other types of books that my father bought me and I was an avid
reader of the newspapers and various magazines. However it was not
until I started working for McGill‟s Newsagency bookshop in the city
of Melbourne, when I was seventeen, that I actually discovered
SCIENCE FICTION, in the form of British editions of Astounding
Science Fiction magazine.
When a customer at McGills, Bob McCubbin, invited me to meet some
other people who read “science fiction”, I discovered that I was a
“science fiction fan”. That small group including Race Mathews, Lee Harding, Dick Jenssen, Bob McCubbin
and there may have been others, whom I have forgotten, formed the Melbourne Science Fiction Group in
1952. I continued working for McGills and I made them the main source of SF literature in Melbourne, while
the SF group began to grow. McGills was the obvious place for me to meet and introduce more people to the
SF Group. I never had any friends when at school and to finally find people
who actually shared my interests led to a new way of life for me.
We had problems finding a regular place to meet in the early years, but we
set up a library and I became the
librarian. We produced fanzines,
such as Etherline featuring club
news, book reviews, letters and
articles by fans here and overseas
and edited by Ian Crozier, and
Perhaps edited by Lee Harding and
Dick Jenssen, duplicated by me on
the Roneo duplicator that we
purchased, under the name of
Amateur Fantasy Publications.
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Meanwhile Race Mathews published Bacchanalia. Bob McCubbin made us aware of other SF fans and clubs
in Sydney, such as the Sydney Futurians, Don Tuck in Tasmania and Roger Dard in Western Australia. Bob
corresponded with British fan and bookseller Ken Slater and he put me in touch with him, whom I began
buying books from for the group. Through contact with Ken Slater and his Fantast Medway organisation I
made contact with fans in the USA. Bob discovered that British authors A Bertram Chandler and Arthur C.
Clarke would be visiting us. Bert made a number of visits as first officer on ships from Britain but finally
settled in Sydney, Australia. We said hello to Clarke on his way to the Great Barrier Reef to research his
books. Ian Crozier who was producing ETHERLINE came in contact with Forrest J. Ackerman and Robert
Bloch and other American fans and produced news and information from them in ETHERLINE. He was
sending copies to fans in various parts of Australia and the US and Britain. We learnt that Sydney fans were a
quite active group and had been holding SF Conventions for a few years and in 1954 we decided that we
would like to hold one. Some of us attended some conventions in Sydney and we decided to bid for 1956,
which we gained and called OLYMPICON, because Melbourne was hosting the Olympic Games that year. It
was Australia‟s 5th National Convention.
It was unfortunate that fandom in Sydney was in some disarray and only one or two from Sydney, including
author Norma Hemming, who wrote a play for us to produce, attended. Author Frank Bryning was our Guest
of Honour, we had a small but reasonable attendance for the program, displays and the play and we all
enjoyed the con very much. I was certainly hooked! That two days in the Melbourne suburb of Richmond‟s
town hall was followed two years later by another successful little get-together, MELCON, in the same place
one day and a country trip on the next.
The Melbourne Science Fiction “Club” which it was becoming to be
called, battled to survive from the late fifties on, due to limited premises,
and many early devotees dropped out, including Bob McCubbin and Ian
Crozier. Eventually I managed to talk the McGill‟s management into
allowing us to use the top floor of their store, in the Somerset Place lane
at the rear of the store. Few people attended the meetings until a 1960s
new member Paul Stevens and I decided to screen regular movies. They
were quite successful. Meanwhile fandom was growing in Melbourne,
though the majority of fans involved were not interested in attending club
eetings. Merv in Somerset Place lane, 1968 photo by Michael O‟Brien
That was mainly due to the rather unattractive room we were
using and the old hydraulic lift we had to use to get to it. Noel
Kerr took on the job of producing a club magazine, which we
called The Somerset Gazette, while other people were producing
numerous zines such John Bangsund with his Australian Science
Fiction Review, independently of the SF club. John introduced
mainstream author but long time SF reader George Turner to SF
fandom. John Foyster and others were producing their zines and
corresponding with fans in Australia and overseas.
At left are fans from the 1960s in Somerset Place MSFC
clubroom - photo by Mervyn Barrett
Establishing new contacts and expanding the long time interaction with the overseas fans that had been going
on for many years, was carried on by such as Don Tuck. Our friend Chris Nelson has recently been
chronicling details of very early Australian fandom and contact with overseas fans, in his zine Mumblings
From Munchkinland. In the 1960s I was buying books and magazines for the MSFC library from American
dealers and fans including F&SF Books and Dick Witter, Gordon Rix in Canada and many others.
I was determined to keep the club operating, and borrowing books from the library and getting books for
members was a major reason for continuing. Being employed close to the room was of course very convenient
for me. It became my whole life. It was through me and the mailings I used to do, that a way of fans keeping
in touch with one another, and learning about various activities that may be taking place, was maintained.
Fandom was growing in Melbourne and all over Australia, encouraged by the fanzine producers and
correspondents - and one of the busiest was John Foyster. He said that it was about time that we had another
11
convention. So in 1966, after an eight-year break, it was held in the unlikely place the MSFC was meeting in.
It was well attended - too well attended, with over fifty people in rather cramped quarters. The different parts
of Melbourne came together thanks to John Foyster whose efforts resulted in ANZAPA and the NOVA MOB
meetings. Following conventions were held in the late 1960s at places other than 19 Somerset Place,
organised by me, Paul Stevens and other people, and Melbourne fans were seriously considering the bid to
hold a World SF Convention in Melbourne. Apparently even then my involvement in fan activities was
appreciated as they named me GoH of the 9th Natcon in 1970. Our first con held at a hotel was at the Savoy
Plaza (not far from where our world cons three and four were later held) with expatriate American fan Ron
Smith as GoH.
It was about this time that the Australian SF Achievement awards were dreamed up by Lee Harding, Dick
Jenssen and me. Dick, who had even then and has ever since, seen me as a prime subject for his leg-pulling,
came up with the name “Ditmars” when we were endeavouring to dream up a name for the awards. His facile
explanation was that it was an acronym for Digital Integrating and Tabulating Mechanism for the
Advancement of Research. I did not know at that time that Ditmar was his actual given name. It was
marvellous that he was even awarded a DITMAR as Fan Artist at “Dudcon” (the lame-duck Australian 2010
Natcon) during AUSSIECON 4, for his great computer designed illustrations. Possibly the only fan to receive
an award in his own name.
1970 was the end of an era and the beginning of a new one, for myself
and Melbourne - and Australian, for that matter - Science Fiction
fandom. The club and working for McGills was becoming a conflict
of interests, and I had dreamed of having a bookshop of my own, so
when fan friend and customer Ron Graham suggested I open a
bookshop of my own with his backing, heaven opened its doors.
Ron Graham with Merv’s father Ern Binns.
Space Age Books
When I opened SPACE AGE BOOKS with Lee Harding‟s
and Paul Stevens‟ help, the World Con bid was also in full
sway. The two things grew together and Space Age was
able to help publicise the bid and all the cons that would be
held in Melbourne. The MSFC was, you might say, “in
recess” and suggested meetings in Space Age‟s cramped
upper premises were impractical.
However, when we moved to larger premises a few doors
away we had a lot more room. The club library was brought
in from Paul Stevens‟ and John Breden‟s flat and established in the upstairs lunchroom.
Membership and attendance grew with fans such as Alan Stewart taking over the running of the club. The
members finally decided that they needed better premises and in due course got themselves properly
organised where they are now, in the Melbourne suburb of Brunswick. My active involvement with the club
ended with the move, but I have attended meetings including mini-cons
at the club premises. In 2005 a few other friends and I were made Life
Members of the club, which I very sincerely appreciated.
My involvement with fandom, though, has never deteriorated. While
Space Age Books was developing, I and other Melbourne fans attended
the Sydney con in 1970, Melbourne cons were held in suburban theatres
and halls and finally our first hotel convention, not far from where
AUSSIECONs three and four were held, the Savoy Plaza.
The Victoria Hotel also, a small hotel close to the Melbourne Town hall
mid city, became the scene for a number of cons including Easter 1973,
when a memorable musical play, Joe Phaust, was staged, with John
Foyster as the older Joe and Lee Harding as The Devil. Merv Binns and Paul Stevens at a Space Age party.
12
While these conventions were being held, Paul Stevens got
together with documentary film maker John Litchen and a
film was made to help publicise the World Con bid. The
scenario dreamed up by Paul Stevens turned out to be a riot
and everybody both sides of the Pacific loved it. Fans such as
Jack Chalker and Jan Finder screened it at cons in the USA,
which no doubt helped to secure our win for the 1975 World
Con. I do not recall exactly whose idea making the film was,
but apart from appearing in it as myself, I certainly had some
input into it. My Space Age Books partner Ron Graham
financed the sound track making for the movie, with Lee
Harding doing the commentary. Leigh Edmonds’s funeral in the AntiFan film
In August 1973 a group of us flew over to Toronto in Canada to attend the World SF Convention being held
there. Our resident travel agent Robin Johnson organised my trip via Hong Kong where I did a bit of shopping
and London, where I visited all the bookshops I could find. Then I caught up with New Zealander and one
time Melbourne resident and member of the MSFC, Merv Barrett. Merv took me to meet some British fans at
a pub. I visited Ken and Joyce Slater in Cambridgeshire and they me served up a very substantial British lunch
of steamed vegetables. An e-mail received from British fan Phil Harbottle, via Bruce Gillespie, while I was
writing this, informed us that British author E. C. “Ted” Tubb had passed away. Ted was the author of many
SF stories and novels published in Britain, the USA and Europe, including the Dumarest series and editor of
the magazine Authentic. He was 91. It reminded me that I met Ted very briefly when Merv Barrett took me to
meet him at a London railway station (where he was in a stall apparently promoting a food product) during
my stay in London in 1973.
After a glorious flight across the Atlantic, seeing Greenland to the North with a pattern of ice flows clearly
visible, I got to Toronto. I met Susan Wood and Robert Bloch first morning at the hotel and then many more
fans and authors including Joe and Gay Haldeman and Forry Ackerman, with whom we had been in touch for
many years. At a First Fandom party, which Ron Graham took me along to as his guest, I was in a room with
authors who I practically worshipped such as Isaac Asimov, Poul Anderson, Harry Harrison, Marion Zimmer
Bradley and quite obviously the rest of the hierarchy of SF writers and editors. I felt that I was floating six feet
above the floor. The hundreds of fans attending TORCON seemed to be just the same cross range of types of
people, as you would see at an Aussie con. There were just many more of them.
They all got a great laugh out of me when I paraded across the stage
in the masquerade in an ancient Egyptian style costume made for me
by my friend and assistant John Breden, depicting a character from
Roger Zelazny‟s Creatures of Light and Darkness.
The trouble was, John had neglected to tell me how to put on the
sandals and I went flip-flopping across the stage accompanied by a
roar of laughter from the audience.
Mervyn and Heidi at Torcon 1973 Masquerade
After TORCON I flew on to New York, where I met Melbourne born literary agent Cherry Weiner and visited
Dick Witter at SF&F Bookstore on Staten Island, from whom I had been buying books for quite a few years. I
went by bus there, via a tunnel I think, but came back by ferry. Took a great photo of the city, twin towers and
all then, from the ferry. Stopped in Chicago to see an old Melbourne friend Ross Cozens who had been living
and working in the USA for some years. He took me up the Sears Tower at night and afterwards on a boat trip
on the lake.
Next stop Los Angeles where I was picked up at the airport by West Coast fan and author Jack Chalker,
whom LASFS members had asked to look after me. I formed an acquaintance with Jack that endured for some
years. I stopped in the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood Boulevard, had lunch with Fred Patten at a
Mongolian style restaurant, attended a LASFS meeting, visited Disneyland, visited Forry Ackerman‟s home
and saw his enormous collection of SF books and movie memorabilia. Then dropped in to San Francisco and
went to visit Charlie Brown at his home on Oakland and had dinner with him and other fans including
13
LOCUS people. I missed my correct flight home from there and I was forced spend a day in Hawaii, which
gave me the opportunity to visit Pearl Harbour. My first overseas trip was over.
From 1969 on, conventions in Australia were being held every
year. Overseas guests included the first DUFF winner Lesleigh
Luttrell in 1972 and Bill Rotsler in 1977. (I still wear a badge that
he painted for me and he did one for Helena also.) AUSSIECON
ONE was a great success in 1975 with GoH Ursula LeGuin and a
great turn-up of other authors, most of whom we got to Space Age
Books shop to meet customers and sign books. As Space Age was
the only bookseller involved at that time and as an alternative to
the display of dozens of dealers at American cons, I organised a
display by Australian publishers and book wholesalers.
Mervyn & friends at Melbourne Eastercon 1979
Fandom had really taken off in Australia after AUSSIECON ONE and clubs had even been formed at
universities in most, if not all, Australian states. In 1978 The Melbourne University club had invited five
overseas guests but luckily for them, only two accepted and they were Brian Aldiss and Roger Zelazny. Paul
Stevens and I endeavoured to advise them and Space Age edited and had their program book printed. To that
date it was the largest attendance at a local convention that we had held I believe, despite its problems, which
I will not detail here. UNICON IV, a combined Unicon and Natcon convention, chaired by the late
RogerWeddall and friends, had its moments. How could it not, with such great guests.
Gordon Dickson was the GoH of Syncon in August 1979 and other overseas visitors to that con included Ken
Fletcher, Linda Lounsbury and Koichi Yamamoto. Gordy came down to Melbourne also and we had him
signing books at Space Age. As Australia was again bidding for a World Con I decided to attend SEACON in
England and help publicise our bid for 1983.
I took off soon after Gordy‟s visit to the USA on the way to Britain. I stopped briefly in San Francisco, had
dinner with Charlie Brown and friends from Locus, experiencing some welcome fan hospitality. I walked
down from the city to Fishermen‟s Wharf, which I had seen depicted in movies, because the cable trams were
not running, and had sore feet for the rest of my trip. Had a meal in a Grant Street Chinese restaurant. Went on
to New York and saw some major new movies, including ALIEN and Frank Langella‟s DRACULA.
Yes, by 1979 we were looking at holding another World Convention. I had started to publish my
AUSTRALIAN SCIENCE FICTION NEWS - not to be confused with Graham Stone‟s SF NEWS which I had
forgotten about at the time - in 1978. My idea was to publicise the new bid and endeavour to tell fans all over
Australia what was happening in the SF world. (In other words an Australian version of Locus.) Charlie
Brown, editor of LOCUS, and Andy Porter who was by then publishing SF CHRONICLE, graciously allowed
me to print news and photos from their zines. I do not know how much ASFN helped the cause, but the bid
was in full flow by 1979. A group of us went to SEACON in Brighton, England, to help publicise the bid.
We even sneaked in a display in the masquerade based on Cordwainer Smith‟s Lords of the Instrumentality in
which George Turner, John Foyster, Justin Ackroyd, and Alex Wasiliew joined me in costume and holding up
a banner stating “Australia in 1983”. Photo by Helena Roberts:
From left: Justin Ackroyd, John Foyster, George Turner,
Jan Howard Finder (foreground), Mervyn Binns, Alex Wasiliew,
14
It was supposed to be held in Sydney, but after the American fans told us that they wanted the con in
Baltimore that year, though they would support for 1985, the Sydney people were apparently not enthusiastic
about continuing, or so I believe. John Foyster, not wanting us to miss out on another World Con,
immediately said Melbourne would bid for ‟85 and set about organising it and we were successful. Full credit
should be paid to John Foyster for all he did over the years to put Australian SF fandom on the map and
encourage us to make the most of our friendship with fans all over.
SEACON was an outstanding affair for one reason in particular and that was because there were so many
authors in attendance from all over. Some people who had never met before and probably may never have met
again. It was a privilege to say hello to Arthur Clarke and to see so many other authors and fans, who had
simply been photos and names in books and magazines. I spent a bit of time in the evenings with Jack
Chalker, drinking British beer laced with lime juice and listening to Gerry Pournelle in full voice. We did not
know where, if any room parties were being held. The rooms were practically only broom cupboard size at
any rate.
I did not do much else while in England apart from a trip around the sights in London with my Melbourne fan
friend Helena Roberts, who had taken photos of me throwing paper planes at Aussiecon One. Incidentally, we
had been friends since 1958 when she first turned up at the MSFC and made friends with other MSFC
members, but she married fellow artist Kelvin Roberts, who had emigrated from England after World War 2.
We remained friends and they regularly attended my get-togethers. When Kelvin died and later my father,
whom I had been living with, also passed on, we decided to share a home and eventually tied the knot. Now I
spend half my time at cons carrying our numerous bags while she is off taking photographs.
From London I went on to Louisville, in Kentucky, to attend NORTHAMERICON ’79, the major USA SF con
for the year. Luckily I wrote a good report of my time in the USA from here on and I can put a few things
back in my memory in the correct sequence. At Louisville, because of ASFN, I knew that A. Bertram
Chandler was a fellow Aussie member. I made friends with fans such as Pat Potts from Texas. Enjoyed a trip
on a River boat on the Missouri River on which the Galt House hotel where the con was held was situated,
watching Peter Strauss playing the Calliope on the boat, while fans with lasers shot beams of light through the
steam. I missed out on a panel I was invited to be on, because I slept in. It was great to see GoH Fred Pohl
again after Aussiecon along with George Scithers, Lester Del Rey, Jack Chalker, Jack Williamson, Bob
Tucker, Barry Longyear and other authors of note along with our fan friend Jan Finder.
From Louisville I went to Washington. Regrettably I did not know any fans there, but I simply wanted to take
the opportunity to visit the place that figured so much in movies and TV shows I had watched over the years
and visit the Aeronautics and Space Museum in particular. It hardly stopped raining all the time I was there
but I managed to walk to the Space Museum and the Art Gallery from my hotel, both of which were mighty
impressive. I got simply drowned walking to look at the White House. I really did want to see the
Smithsonion as well, but the rain was just too much.
I went back to New York, attended a party at Andy Porter‟s apartment and met Joan Vinge there, saw the
musical show ANNIE with Cherry Weiner, did a bus tour and trip out to the Statue of Liberty and went up the
Empire State Building and went to a party with fans met at SEACON at Seth Breidbarts‟ apartment on 3rd
Avenue. I stupidly left my camera in my hotel room when I visited Andy, and it and all my SEACON photos
were stolen. The camera was insured but I could not replace the photos of course.
I flew over to the West and to Boulder, via Denver, to visit a supplier there. Our friend Dick “Ditmar” Jenssen
had been at the University of Boulder to carry on research as a meteorologist some time before. During a
brief stop in LA attending a LASFS meeting courtesy of Martin Massoglia and visiting Forry Ackerman, I
saw Bob Bloch to ask him to be GoH of a convention I was organising.
1979 ended on a sad note with the passing of Melbourne SF Club (Group) founding member, Bob McCubbin.
Bob had guided and reported the group‟s activities during the early years. My partner, well known fan and
collector Ron Graham had also passed away earlier that year. Space Age was starting to battle a bit financially
and it had not helped us losing Ron Graham. SF writing and publishing in Australia was beginning to grow,
with George Turner‟s first SF novel Beloved Son being released and Paul Collins publishing books by Bert
Chandler and a number of anthologies, while Lee Harding was also starting to make headway with his
writing. A small press begun by Bruce Gillespie, Carey Handfield and Rob Gerrand, Norstrilia Press, was
progressing and they published among other things Damien Broderick‟s Dreaming Dragons.
15
In 1980 Anne McCaffrey was GoH of the Australian Natcon SWANCON held in Perth, Western Australia. A
book signing at Space Age, when she came to Melbourne, was our most popular ever. We took her to dinner
at a leading Chinese restaurant. I had visited Perth for the first time. The con was a different in some ways and
had an innovative program. Also that year I was GoH of WELCON in Wellington, New Zealand, making my
first trip to NZ with my father. I should mention that my father had helped establish Space Age Books,
building shelving and much more. As well as being a behind the scenes helper at cons I had been involved
with. Don Tuck reported that volume three of his SF & F ENCYCLOPEDIA was well on the way.
Still in 1980, Joe and Gay Haldeman were the Guests of Honour of UNICON 6 as well as TREKCON 2, two
weeks apart. The Monash University Association, including members Daryl Mannell, Alf Katz and Gerald
Smith, were the organisers of UNICON 6 - their first con and they did a good job. We took Joe and Gay for a
country trip to the Healesville animal sanctuary and some Yarra Valley wineries. It was great to carry on my
association with them begun in the AUSSIECON ONE period, an association that has endured. Lee Harding
was awarded The Children’s Book of the Year Award for DISPLACED PERSON. Paul Collins published
books by Australian authors Jack Wodhams, David Lake and Wynne Whiteford. Bert Chandler is announced
as GoH of the CHICON 40th WORLD SF CONVENTION . Our Fan GoH for AUSSIECON, Canadian fan
Susan Wood passed away which was a very sad loss to all of fandom. The second Anti-Fan movie was
completed.
At Easter 1981 I organised a convention that been a dream of mine for some time, CINECON. Two things
have been my major interests all my life, reading and watching movies. I just had to see any SF and fantasy
movies released. Some “hard core” SF fans stated that SF&F movies should be totally disregarded as
irrelevant rubbish and real SF was only the written word. Most SF movies released in the 1950s era I admit
were junk, but some SF and fantasy such as FORBIDDEN PLANET and THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD
STILL were worthwhile. Incidentally a note in ASFN in 1982 that I picked up, said that the latter was being
remade. The remake took until 2009 - probably not the same makers - and turned out to be a disaster.
My friend Paul Stevens and I were both movie junkies as well as SF readers and we had the idea of holding a
convention to pay tribute to F&SF on the screen. So we planned a program, roped in helpers and participants
and I wrote to Bob Bloch to ask him to be GoH. I chose Bob because of his fannish connections, SF writing
and screen plays for movies and TV. He accepted and was indeed a perfect guest of honour.
The choice of films we thought was good, including Lathe of Heaven
based on Ursula LeGuin‟s novel. A request to Ursula to obtain it to
screen was answered and we were very grateful for her help. Other
guests included local movie makers including Richard Franklin, who
actually directed the second Psycho movie and who had even attended
one of the MSFC‟s movie screenings. The attendance was reasonable,
but could have been better. A talk by Bob Bloch, joined by Lee
Harding and George Turner on writing for the screen was held on the
last day. Mervyn and Robert Bloch at Cinecon 1981
Frank Herbert was the GoH of ADVENTION ’81. Looking through the issues of my Australian SF News I am
very happy I did produce it. Writing this missive would be difficult without ASFN to refer to. Reading con
reports and looking at all the photographs in that and my collection is quite an enjoyable experience.
Remembering friends and events is great. My father and I picked up Frank Herbert and his wife Beverley
from Melbourne airport after ADVENTION. We took them to lunch and had dinner with them later at John
Bangsund‟s home after a book signing at Space Age Books.
A party at Bruce Gillespie‟s home in June „81was attended by visiting fans from overseas, Joseph Nicholas
and Lee Smoire. We also saw Bruce‟s “then” six Ditmars. In July „81 we attended a conference in the capital
city Canberra titled SPECULATIVE FICTION, THE AUSTRALIAN CONTEXT, organised by National
Librarian Colin Steele for the Humanities Research Centre Australian National University. This brought
together all the Australian SF authors that I knew of at the time, to talk about their work and SF writing in
Australia to that time.
16
A more or less mini-convention occurred in conjunction due to the good attendance by fans. Melbourne held
the Natcon TSCHAICON in 1982 with Jack Vance as GoH. Justin Ackroyd, who had worked for me at Space
Age Books, was the chairman. We took Jack and Terry Dowling to a Greek restaurant at Jack‟s request. As of
my writing this after AUSSIECON 4, I realise that Jack must be our most senior author and it was a pleasure
to meet one of my all time favourite (and most colourful) authors.
Baltimore had won the World Con bid for 1983 and Melbourne‟s bid for ‟85 was under way. Consequently I
reckoned we had to show the flag at CHICON and I decided to attend the World Con in Chicago. I stopped off
in LA on the way and I met Bob Bloch and his wife Ellie and they took me to a very up-market restaurant for
dinner. Said hello to Forry Ackerman again, in his Hollywood mansion. I then buzzed off to Las Vegas,
played the pokies, saw a show at my hotel and took a plane trip over the Grand Canyon. Then off to see book
suppliers in Boulder, following an overnight stop in Denver. Our friend Dick Jenssen had also been to
Boulder to further his meteorological research at Boulder University, some year or two earlier.
The next stop was Albuquerque to attend the famous BUBONICON, where Chelsea Quinn Yarbro was GoH.
Quinn was also GoH at the Melbourne local con, CONTINUM, in 2009. I also met George R.R. Martin, who I
have kept running into over the years - at CHICON, at lunch with Charlie Brown, as GoH at a local con some
years back and standing next to him on the stage at AUSSIECON 4. Another good friend and friend of Aussie
con bids and one of my favourite all time authors, Roger Zelazny, who I was very pleased to meet again was
also there. Regrettably he passed way some time later and we never met again. Other notables in attendance
were Suzy McKee Charnas, Stephen Donaldson, Bob Vardeman and Fred Saberhagen . Fan guests were Peter
Toluzzi from Australia and Takumi Shibano from Japan. Our Eric Lindsay was also there. Panellists observed
that because of their cost, hard cover books would cease to be an option in twenty years. Well, twenty years
after 1982 we still have them but even the large paperbacks are very expensive, while electronic versions are
making inroads. (Is Fahrenheit 451 just around the corner?)
I visited New York again before going to Chicago for the World Con and I satisfied a long time dream and
saw not one but two musical shows on Broadway, CHORUS LINE and 42nd
STREET. I finally got to Chicago
for CHICON, my third World Con outside Australia and my first in the USA. (One and two had been Canada
and England.) Economically speaking I guess I should not have been there, but there I was. Our friend A.
Bertram Chandler was GoH along with Lee Hoffman. Marta Randall as Toastmaster was a highlight of the
con, the masquerade was great and the program in general was fantastic, but simply meeting people was worth
it all.
It was great to see Bert Chandler as GoH. He was living in Sydney but saw him from time to time and he was
GoH at local cons. He joined an Australian shipping line and was captaining ships carrying ore and such
between New South Wales and South Australia, Tasmania and New Zealand. He only once had some cargo to
pick up in Melbourne. His ship was moored in the Yarra River, (about opposite where AUSSIECON 4 was
held this year) and he invited Paul Stevens and me aboard for a drink and chat. After consuming half a flagon
of Tasmanian cider and a glass of port wine each and enjoying Bert‟s conversation, we staggered off home.
It was wonderful to have been awarded the A. Bertram Chandler Award by the Australian SF Foundation,
which was a fitting reminder of my association with a guy who it was a pleasure to know. I enjoyed reading
Bert‟s humorous tales and adventures but I believe his best effort was Kelly Country, which was published by
Penguin Books in 1984.
Conventions were held in Adelaide and Melbourne in 1983 and as well
as attending them I went off to SYNCON ‟83 in Sydney, at which the
GoH was Harlan Ellison.
He visited Melbourne also and I managed to get him to Space Age
Books for a book signing, which was well attended. Bob Bloch had done
an article on Harlan for me for ASFN (“a complex man, at times a
difficult one” to quote Bob). I found him very amiable. Harlan Ellison & Mervyn in 1983
In 1984 the cons kept coming. I did not make it to Brisbane late ‟83 for a media con, nor SWANCON in
Perth, WA in January ‟84, but I did make it to two in Melbourne at Easter when the Natcon, EUREKA, was
held, then KINKON in June, which was again organised by the Monash University fans. I never spoke to
17
Isaac Asimov at Torcon in ‟73, although I was with other people who did, but I share one thing with him in
that we both had triple-by-pass operations - his in ‟84, mine in ‟07.
After being GoH of Swancon 9 in Perth, WA, Harry Harrison visited us in Melbourne in March 1984,
accompanied by his wife Joan. We quickly organised a book signing at Space Age Books and a mini-con at a
hotel, to give fans a chance to meet him. Knowing his interest in trains, we took the couple on a trip on our
little steam train, „Puffing Billy’, through the near Melbourne, Dandenong ranges. Everybody had a great time.
Harry Presented Bruce Gillespie with The World Science Fiction Award at the mini-con. Ditmar winning
author Russell Hoban for his novel Ridley Walker, did a book signing for us at Space Age, after being a guest
speaker at the Adelaide Festival. Bert Chandler suffered a stroke in June 1984 and passed away on the 6th. We
had lost a good friend and he was missed. His last novel, The Wild Ones was published by Paul Collins.
Penguin were to publish four books by Lee Harding. George Turner was awarded a Ditmar for YESTERDAY’S
MEN and his autobiographical In the Heart or in the Head was published by Norstrilia Press. Damien
Broderick‟s novel Transmitters, featuring SF fans, was published by Jenny and Russell Blackford‟s Ebony
Books.
Seven science fiction and associated conventions were held in
a six-month period. Robin Johnson and Alicia Plowman were
married in July. Also in ‟84, Don Tuck was awarded a Hugo at
LA CON for his Encyclopedia of Science Fiction and Fantasy -
the first time a Hugo was presented to an Australian author or
fan.
1985 was a year of very mixed feelings for me. Space Age
Books was failing, my “tame” printer who had been printing
ASFN for me closed down, so the glossy news sheet I had
been producing was to be no more. One of my favourite
authors, Theodore Sturgeon, had died and I reported the
passing of Frank Herbert also that year. But AUSSIECON 2
was coming up in „85. Before that I went to Adelaide for
ADVENTION 5 and I was presented with a DITMAR for
Australian SF News. I had not published an issue for six
months but I produced much-abbreviated versions reporting
ADVENTION and AUSSIECON 2.
It was the last time I met my friend Jack Chalker and I realise
also Charlie Brown. It was a pleasure meeting GoH Gene
Wolfe. The costume parade was extraordinary, with Lewis
Morley and Nick Stathopoulos at their best, and unfortunately has not been matched by the later
AUSSIECONs.
Australian SF News, I feel, was my main and most ob vious contribution to SF fandom, but people have told
me that Space Age Books was also great. SPACE AGE BOOKS had been a dream come true and it sure was
fun while it lasted. Paul Stevens had deserted ship some year or less before but I was very sorry to say
goodbye to all the staff who had stuck by me. I continued to sell books by mail and attend cons selling books,
but I eventually had to give that away as it was a lot of effort with very little reward.
1985 Ditmar Award winners in Adelaide:
18
What have I done between 1985 and now?
I have continued to produce fanzines and for a while Alan
Stewart combined my Australian SF News with THYME,
which he took over from other fans. I have attended most if not
all conventions held in Melbourne and some in other states.
I did produce some issues of a different style ASFN, as books
continued to turn up from publishers for review.
Founder Race Mathews , with help from Jack Keating, cuts the
cake at MSFC 40th
anniversary in 1992, while Noel Kerr and
Merv look on.
As I said, I tried selling books by mail order but it didn‟t pay enough to live on. My father who had been a
gardener took me out mowing lawns. That brought in a few extra dollars and I continued with it when my dad
had to give it up. Doing t he garden work and looking after my
ailing father took up most of my time from then on until he died in
1996 and I was forced to leave the house we had been renting for
the past 20 years.
I had been accompanying Helena Roberts to conventions and
parties and I knew she needed more space for her books and all, so
I suggested we move in together. Well, okay, that wasn‟t the only
reason. She agreed, and a year after that, we got married.
We got a computer donated by friends and I started producing
again my original ANZAPA contribution The RUBBISH BIN(N)S, though this time not as a member of
ANZAPA. Its contents included book and film reviews, reports of trips such as visiting friends in the country
like Ian and Judy Crozier in Bright at that time, and David Russell in Warrnambool, and reminiscences like
those in this article, that we later decided to publish separately as my Memoirs. With the help of Dick Jenssen,
Helena learned how to format publications on the computer to include photos.
We attended Aussiecon 3 in 1999 where a fanzine was
published with the flattering title In Fealty to Mervyn
Binns. It was circulated in a special Anzapa mailing
timed to coincide with the Worldcon, but I believe a
few copies were left in the fan lounge to be picked up
by other fans. It was perpetrated by Bill Wright and
Dick Jenssen. In spite of unflattering aspersions on my
age (it‟s only now that I feel 1000001 years old), they
tell me I was in fine form at that convention.
Here is a picture of me at the FanHistoricon panel.
From left to right, the other panellists are:
Bill Wright, Dick Jenssen and Mervyn Barrett
19
We produced Part One of my ‘Memories’, covering the Melbourne SF Club‟s story up to 1970 and I have
written much more that has not yet been put on paper. We decided to cover the reviews and current reports in
our new personal news zine OUT OF THE BIN, which we managed to bring out monthly (more or less) for a
few years. However, two forced moves from our rented abodes, health problems, trouble with our old
computers and the costs of publishing and distributing anything limited our efforts.
Another cake cutting, this time for the 50th MSFC
anniversary in May 2002, as close as possible to the 50th
anniversary of the then MSFG‟s first formal meeting.
Race couldn‟t come to this one, but the other half of the
dynamic duo was there.
(Back in 1951, while they were still at school, Race Mathews
and Dick Jenssen were the prime instigators of it all.)
We still do an issue
of Out of the Bin every now and then, but not on a regular basis, just
to keep friends informed about how things are going for us. We did a
special one-off replica edition of Etherline (the MSFC‟s original club
zine) for the club‟s 50th Anniversary in 2002.
We put out a special issue of The RUBBISH BIN(N)S for the 40th
Anniversary of ANZAPA celebration that Bruce Gillespie and Elaine
Cochrane hosted at their Greensborough home in 2007. We were
doing an annual ‘Special Issue’ of Australian Science Fiction News,
with book and movie reviews, Convention reports and other SF news
and comments, until our last move, but have not been able to put one
out since due to the above-mentioned problems, until the one-sheet
special we did for Aussiecon 4.
Nevertheless, we persist with the writing and formatting of all of our
ongoing projects, in the hope of eventually being able to put some of
them on the Internet, possibly on e-fanzines.
We enjoy getting together with some old friends such as Dick Jenssen, Bruno and Keren Kautzner, Bruce and
Elaine Gillespie, John and Truda Straede, Bill Wright and Lee Harding , every few weeks for dinner. We
attend the MSFC meetings occasionally but it is a bit of a hike getting there from our home to the other side of
the city. We have attended most of the cons organised by MSFC members, but that is getting a bit expensive
now. We did help celebrate the Club‟s 50th anniversary and they made us and other old and/or significant
contributors to the club, life members.
2005 MSFC Life Members ceremony
Robin Johnson suggested to Tansy Rayner Roberts, the convener of THYLACON „05 in Hobart, Tasmania
that I might like to be Guest of Honour. I accepted the invitation and down we went to Tassie. We were guests
of Robin and Alicia and their great little terrier Bertie. It is not practical for us to have cats or dogs, so I love
20
to make friends with other people‟s pets. I must admit that being asked to be a con GoH was very nice and I
had filled that position once or twice in Melbourne in the „70s and I do realise that fans here do appreciate my
efforts in fandom. Cary Lenehan took us on a couple of sightseeing jaunts around Hobart, including the
Cadbury chocolate factory (a chocoholic‟s dream) and a memorable visit to the improbably named Mount
Field, with breathtaking views in a trip up the mountain, then a close encounter with Tasmanian Devils at a
wildlife sanctuary. Cascade Light became my favourite beer after a visit to the brewery.
On our last day, Robin drove us up Mount Wellington, and I have never in all my life felt so cold. He also
took us to the Botanic Gardens from which much of Gardening Australia was filmed, and showed us around
the Museum often featured on the Collectors, two familiar TV shows.
Helena and I enjoyed the trip and the con very much. We even met the Mayor of Hobart at a special reception
at the Town Hall. It was good meeting the other GoHs authors Aussie Marianne de Pierres and Ann Bishop
from the USA, and DUFF winner Joe Siclari, also from the USA.
Joe Siclari is one of the originators of the now international FanHistoricon movement. His passion for
preserving the history of SF and its fandom was shared by the late John Foyster, and I was involved in the
FanHistoricon panels at Aussiecon with him and other notables such as MSFC co-founders Race Matthews
and Dick Jenssen, and Bill Wright, whose METEOR foundation is also dedicated to the preservation of
significant fannish stuff, an enthusiasm we obviously share.
2009
There was another MSFC Life Members induction ceremony in 1999…
2009 MSFC Life Members celebration
James (Jocko) Allen [left] and Helena Binns [front row] were inducted.
Looking forward to AUSSIECON 4, we attended the MSFC backed CONTINUM 5 (August 2009). And put
in an appearance at the Chronos Awards on the first evening of CONTINUUM 6 (February 2010). Sadly we
could not attend the rest of it, but heard good reports of it. We did complete a year‟s worth of Out of the Bins
for 2009, including an 8-page special issue covering CONTINUUM 5, but we could not afford to get it printed
and posted. (However, it is available on CD „in glorious technicolour‟ to anyone who is interested).
Helena spent a lot time putting together on the computer a lot of photos that we and others took of all the
previous Australian World Cons, for display at A4. We now see that as an ongoing project, including photos
from Aussiecon 4 (contributions from other photographers welcome). We are also putting together photos of
Australian Natcons (for WA fans‟ Natcons 50th Anniversary project), and of Melbourne conventions.
Mervyn Binns at Aussiecon 4
Medications have slowed me down a lot and I have been doing very little, other than catching up reading all
the books on my shelves that I finally felt like reading. So I knew I wouldn‟t be up to driving to the train
station every morning and home again late at night, spending an hour each way getting there then walking
around the new Melbourne Convention Centre all day, for five days in succession. We put off paying the rent
for a week and booked into the Enterprize Hotel, about half a mile from where the convention would be held.
The Enterprize by the way was not named by Star Trek fans who couldn‟t spell Enterprise. It was the name of
21
the schooner that brought the original European settlers to the Melbourne area. Other fans staying at the hotel
included old friends Mervyn Barrett and Janet (Barrett) Horncey from New Zealand, Marilyn Pride and Lewis
Morley from Sydney and Yoshihiko Miyazaki from Japan.
The convention venue, The Melbourne Convention Centre is a huge structure that was a hell of a place to get
around. Walking from the fan room, the hucksters and to the row of rooms where the panels and discussions
were held and up and down by lifts or escalators to the entrance, the larger rooms and food bars, was
extremely tiring. Especially for this 76-year-old. And back and forwards to our hotel made me think that I
would not last the distance. But I enjoyed this convention as much as, or more than a lot of others I have
attended. I missed a lot of the panels and such that I would have liked to have attended, but hiking what
seemed to be a hundred kilometres from one room to another to get to the things that interested me, was just
too much.
The best part of the con, as always, was meeting people. Not only did old friends from Melbourne fandom,
who I had not seen for years, say hello, but it was great to see old friends from overseas such as Andy Porter
and Joe Siclari, though it was sad that Forry Ackerman and Charlie Brown, who have been stars in my SF fan
life for so long, were not with us any more. I missed Joe Haldeman and Gay, and Jan “The Wombat” Finder,
who could not be with us due to illness. Meeting people from overseas such as John Hertz, Claire Brialey and
Mark Plummer, Tim Marion, Murray Moore, Patricia Sims and others, though all too briefly, was wonderful.
It was great saying hello to authors Bob Silverberg and Greg Benford, and my really big thrill was talking to
my current most popular author Alastair Reynolds and getting him to sign books. Exhausting as it all was, it
was great once again being with people who share my love of reading and SF.
Robin Johnson asked me if I would be attending the HUGO ceremonies and he also told Helena to make sure
that I was there, and not too far away when he was on stage. I was a bit curious as to why it should be so
important for me to be there. Did he want me to present an award or something, surely not give me one, as I
knew I wasn‟t nominated for anything. At the awards ceremony, before the Hugo announcements
commenced, Pat Sims came on stage with Robin and spoke about the Big Heart Award, created by the world‟s
greatest SF fan and collector, Forrest J. Ackerman.
I became suspicious when Robin started talking and
introducing in a roundabout way, not initially naming but
dropping hints as he went, this year‟s recipient. After he
announced that the person in question had been the
proprietor of Melbourne‟s first science fiction bookshop
and that he and the shop had featured in the notorious
Antifan film, I exclaimed to Helena, “Bloody hell, they
are giving it to me!” Slightly in shock, I accepted the
award from Robin and Pat and mumbled my thanks.
“Why me?” I thought and I even felt later that I had to
justify it to myself. So I wrote this missive which has
made me realise that I have put a lot of my life into
science fiction and fandom and I am very grateful that
people have appreciated my efforts. It was over-
whelming to have them unexpectedly acknowledged in
such a very special way, in the form of an award created
by someone so universally loved and respected by
generations of SF fans. Several people came up to me and
congratulated me that evening and the next day, and I do
thank them.
An old customer at the con said that Space Age Books
introduced him to SF and fandom, and I received other
similar comments from people regarding the MSFC, so
what more do I need?
Thanks everybody! Merv Binns September 2010
22
Happy Christmas, Mervyn
It‟s not the kind of Christmas present one likes to receive. Whilst still enjoying the glow of having been
presented with the Forest J Ackerman Big Heart Award at Aussiecon 4, Mervyn and Helena Binns were given
notice to quit their home at Plymouth Street, Bentleigh East, by 7th January 2011.
They both have lifetime collections of SF memorabilia and, after much thought, Mervyn decided that Meteor
Incorporated, the fan-based Association that aims to acquire premises to house a science fiction institution and
research archive in Australia, should be asked to take away and store the bulk of his collection.
There was a small window of opportunity for that to be done, prior to
their move, on Monday 6th December 2010. So, at short notice, a
working group was assembled consisting of two MSFC Life Members
(Bruce Gillespie and Bill Wright, who are both board members of
Meteor Incorporated: www.meteor.org.au) and a current MSFC member
(Fiona Park, who interrupted her holidays to act as driver in transporting
the material to self-storage).
At 10:00 am Bill and Fiona met at a self-storage depot close to town
where we loaded 25 archive boxes, a carton trolley and stationery into
the depot‟s 3-ton truck. Then Fiona drove us to Mervyn and Helena‟s place where we met Bruce who had
travelled by public transport from Greensborough. It came as no surprise to Fiona to find that the gears were
clunky, the truck having been driven by a different customer each day; and she had more than her share of
trouble with the gears in heavy traffic when frequent gear shifts were needed.
At Plymouth Street, Bruce and Fiona lost no time in making
up the boxes. Then, with Mervyn pointing to items on the
shelves, Bill lifting them down, Fiona and Bruce packing and
sealing the boxes and Helena writing details of the contents
on sticky labels to be slapped on each box as it as it was
filled, we did the entire packing job in less than three hours,
filling 20 of our 25 archive boxes.
We were back at the depot half an hour earlier than we had
expected to be, which was fortunate because the boxes
couldn‟t fit into the limited amount of space in the storage
locker Meteor Inc had rented. Fiona and Bruce decided to go
home, leaving Bill to negotiate a larger storage space. That‟s
when it became interesting...
Bill Wright reports:
A ferocious thunderstorm was raging outside, so I quieted my nerves by making frequent trips between the
office counter and the lounge room opposite where I consumed vast quantities of hot coffee.
To my surprise, the area suddenly got very busy. Pallet load after pallet load of ergonomic office chairs from
one of the upper floors were piled up on the floor in untidy heaps. Curious, I stopped one of the workers to
ask, “Why is this thus?”. The answer was that most of the identical chairs (beautifully engineered thrones with
easily adjustable backs and seat height controls that cost over $1,500 each when new) were broken and it had
been decided to recycle the lot rather than get them repaired.
I asked the man to find me a good one, which he did, then loaded it on a pallet and took it up to my personal
storage bin where he waited until I made room for it. When I asked to pay, he sat on the chair, vouchsafed a
short lecture on the relative wealth of the government and the citizen and told me to forget about it. I must say
that, at the time, he made perfect sense as an armchair economist.
I spent a pleasant hour in the corridor outside my storage bin, unpacking and reviewing the contents of three
of my boxes of books in storage from the comfort of my newly-acquired ergonomic chair – an unlooked-for
enhancement to my lifestyle that is as welcome as it is unexpected.
It‟s a pity Helena Binns wasn‟t around to take a picture of it. Bill Wright
23
Space Age urban myth
On July 20, 1969, as Commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set
foot on the Moon. His first words after stepping on the Moon, “That's one small step for a man, one giant leap
for mankind,” were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the Lander, he
made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck, Mr Gorsky.”
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck, Mr Gorsky” statement meant,
but Armstrong always just smiled. But on July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions
following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally
responded. Mr Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Mid-West town, Neil Armstrong was playing baseball with a friend.
His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbours were
Mr and Mrs Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs Gorsky shouting at
Mr Gorsky, “Sex! You want sex? You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the Moon!”
In fact, the story is an urban myth. It persists because many people think it would be nice if it were true. Ed.
Commuting by jetpack – the only way to go in 2011
Information in this piece is from Ryan Fleming: DigitalTrends.com. Search for: Martin Jetpack.
E E Smith Ph D ushered in the era of Space Opera when his novel The Skylark of Space was serialised in
Amazing Stories commencing with the August 1928 issue. Richard Seaton‟s jet pack is more streamlined than
its modern equivalent, the Martin Jetpack pictured at right. [No, not the Martin Crane jetpack, sadly.]
Actually, science fiction isn‟t very good at predicting the future. It didn‟t, for example, envisage the modern
computer. Science Fiction‟s jetpack is something we all wished for, but it hasn‟t happened … until now.
The jetpack in question is being developed by the Martin Aircraft Company which was founded in 1998 and
operates out of New Zealand. In 2011 the company will begin sky testing the device - you can‟t call it road
testing because the point of it all is to get us off the road with its traffic snarls and road rage and into the sky
where we can soar over all that angst.
It won‟t be cheap. I remember what television sets cost when they first came out. They‟re forecast to retail for
about $100,000 each. And it‟s yet to be seen how safe the Martin Jetpack is. That said, although I‟m a bit frail
at age 74 to be buying one, it will give me a profound sense of satisfaction when they are in common use…
… if they are ever in common use. I remember when, at the turn of the Millennium, the Segway (an upright
personal transport module that climbs stairs) was marketed with much fanfare, only to be pulled off the streets
as a result of lobby pressures from police, who didn‟t want the citizenry to be more mobile than they are
Bill Wright.
24
Conventions on the horizon
SFContario, Toronto, Canada. November 19-21, 2010. Ramada Plaza Hotel in Toronto. GoHs:
Michael Swanwick, Hugo- and Nebula-award winning author of Bones of the Earth, Patrick and
Teresa Nielsen Hayden, Tor Books editors, Geri Sullivan & Karen Linsley. Attending membership
CAN$45. See http://sfcontario.ca/
SYDNEY FREECON. 19 November – 21 November. Bankstown City
Library. Sydney‟s only annual Free Entry event where a wide range of
Science Fiction and Fantasy themes and topics are discussed. The
program of each Freecon is designed to be of interest to SF&F
Readers, Viewers and Writers.
Nov 19, Friday night 5.30 pm to 8 pm,
Nov 20, Saturday 9 am to noon, 1 pm to 4 pm, and
Nov 21, Sunday 1 pm to 4 pm
NULLUS ANXIETUS 3 – THE THIRD AUSTRALIAN DISCWORLD CONVENTION
featuring Terry Pratchett. 8–10 April, 2011. Venue: Panthers World of
Entertainment, Mulgoa Road, Penrith NSW. An excellent long weekend filled with
fun, entertaining performances, fun, interesting discussions and wonderful people
(and more fun). Warning: May contain Terry Pratchett. http://ausdwcon.org/
SWANCON Thirty Six | NATCON Fifty. 21-25 April, 2011.
Hyatt Regency Hotel, Adelaide Tce, Perth, WA. Swancon Thirty
Six | Natcon Fifty is all about fandom, and the fans. We‟re
holding a party in your honour – all you have to do is show up
and have fun. http://2011.swancon.com.au/.
CONTINUUM 7 will be held 10-13 June, 2011.
International Guest of Honour is SF author Richard Morgan
(Glasgow). Australian Guest of Honour is Dave Freer, co-author
with Eric Flint of the Rats, Bats and Vats series and other stories
published by Baen Books. Memberships are available from the
Continuum Foundation website: http://www.continuum.org.au/.
RENOVATION is the Worldcon in Reno, Nevada, USA August 17-21, 2011. GoH's:
Tim Powers, Ellen Asher, fantasy artist Boris Vallejo/ Venue: Reno-Sparks
Convention Centre & The Atlantis Hotel main venues. Australian Agent: Jean Weber.
For more details see http://renovationsf.org/.
CONFLUX 7. Friday 30 September to Monday 3 October 2011. Marque Hotel, 102 Northbourne
Avenue, Canberra, ACT. See Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conflux_%28convention%29
for details of the six Conflux conventions held in Canberra since 2004, plus an outline of Conflux 7
planned for September-October 2011.
25
Clerihew corner
by Dennis Callegari
Clerihews were the invention of Edmund Clerihew Bentley (1875-1956). During his
lifetime, Bentley published several volumes of clerihews, where each verse was
accompanied by a drawing that illustrated the verse. They are humorous biographical
four-line verses about a contemporary or historical figure, where the rhyming scheme
is AABB and the name of the figure must form part of the first rhyme.
A selection of my best clerihews with historical asides and apposite quotations may
be found on the website http://clerihews.wordpress.com/. The following examples
were penned in 2006 when the flames of inspiration were running hot.
------------------------------------
The comedienne of manners is, unquestionably, Jane Austin. She died on 17th July 1817.
If Jane Austen Went to Boston Would some Bostonian smarty Organize a big tea party?
-------------------------------------
Aurore Dupin (better known as George Sand in July 1804) was a novelist and early feminist. She is best
known these days for her affair with composer Frédéric Chopin, although romances with others (including
Liszt and de Musset) are also rumoured.
George Sand (born Aurore Dupin) Smoked cigars and dressed like a man. She'd often invite musicians to drop in
But she was just window-Chopin.
-------------------------------------
I've always wanted to rhyme something with "firkin". Having recently stumbled across the name of chemist
William Henry Perkin, I now have the opportunity.
Sir William Henry Perkin Made dyestuffs by the firkin; To him, fame and fortune were anodyne But his colours were only aniline.
-------------------------------------
Georgia O‟Keefe was an American artist (1887-1986) who specialized in still-life. She is chiefly known for
paintings containing representations of flowers, rocks, shells, animal bones and landscapes. Her paintings
present crisply contoured forms that are replete with subtle tonal transitions of varying colours, and she often
transformed her subject matter into powerful abstract images.
The following clerihew is based on what is, apparently, a genuine quote from O'Keeffe:
At the end of each day, Georgia O'Keeffe
Put her palette and paintbrush down with relief. Though her subject was flowers, they sure weren't her groove -- But they're cheaper than models and they don't often move.
The quote in question is:
“I hate flowers - I paint them because they're cheaper than models and they don't move.”
Dennis Callegari
26
Stefan zone
On December 2nd
, 2010, Stefan and his employer said their goodbyes and went their separate ways after eight
years. For now, he‟s rejoicing at not doing any more unpaid work. When it sinks in that he won‟t be doing any
paid work either, the editor believes he‟ll look for another job.
Meanwhile, inquisitive readers of IRS can look forward to a bonanza as Stefan channels his creative energy
into writing articles for us. But not this time. Separating oneself from a silly boss takes its toll. Ed.
ж
THE INJURED PELICAN / DRUNKEN SKUNK
(from a few months ago)
I was wandering home from the train station last
night in the rain. It was pretty gloomy and the lack
of street lights around didn't help. About half way
home, I notice a car pull over by the side of the
road a half-block up from me and a woman gets
out. She wanders over to a vacant block where
they have a sign up stating what houses are going
to be built there. I took her for a house hunter, but
then she crouches over and calls out "Hello".
Hmm, I figure, another person who talks to signs.
Better keep to the other footpath.
As I got closer, I heard, "Are you OK ?". I glance
over in the gloom and see what looks to be a
Pelican huddled on the other footpath near the
sign. 'What on earth is this lady talking to a
Pelican ?', I ask myself. Not that I'd answer
myself, because that would be weird, but rhetorical
questions are now part of my life so I just have to
get used to them.
Now I have to point out that the reason I took it to
be a Pelican is that the weekend before I'd seen a
Pelican flying very low over our house, being
chased by some magpies. Maybe it's the same
Pelican and this woman is someone who talks to
the animals (or is away with the birds ??).
Next she says, "Do you want an ambulance?".
This makes me change direction and wander over
to see what was going on. I want to be on hand
when she calls triple zero and reports an Injured
Pelican. No wonder there are no ambulances
when you need them.
Then I see it's a bloke, not a Pelican, lying on the
footpath. He's muttering something in a foreign
language and clutching his knee. I took him to be
a soccer player, as they're normally seen rolling
around on the ground, clutching at a knee so as to
get a free kick.
I call triple zero (about my 10th call in 10 years)
and one of the questions they ask is how old is the
bloke. Now this bloke is of a foreign nationality
where his age could be anywhere between 20 and
80. I settle on forty-ish (give 40 or take 20 years).
After playing the 20-question game - "Yes, he is
breathing", "Well, he's not saying anything that
we can understand - English seems to be his
second (or third) language", "I can’t see any
injury but he is clutching his knee" - an ambulance
is soon despatched.
While waiting for the ambulance, we couldn't get
anything out of the bloke (his pockets were empty)
but he keeps clutching his knee and peering up at
us from the corners of his eyes as if to see whether
we believe his Free Kick act. He'd also lost a
thong somewhere along his travels. Another bloke
in a car stops and drags out a tarpaulin from the
back of his car to put over the bloke on the ground
to stop him from getting wet any further while the
three 'animal rescuers' stand around under
inadequate umbrellas getting wet. Now, how
many people do you know drive around with a
tarpaulin in the back of their vehicle?
Yes - Another nerd.
Eventually the ambulance arrives and by this time
the rain is pelting down and we're all getting
soaked. The ambulance officers run over (I think
they were the same ones that came and saw Mum
in August) and start a one-sided conversation with
the bloke. Like Lazarus, this bloke then gets up
and, unlike Lazarus, starts shuffling over to the
Ambulance. Talk about bunging on an act ! There
didn't seem to be anything wrong with his knee
now the ambulance has arrived. The ambulance
crew tell us they can smell a fair amount of alcohol
on him. Great ! Just our luck. Instead of
rescuing an injured Pelican, all we end up saving is
another Drunken Skunk!
The three nerd-a-teers help pack up the tarpaulin
and go our separate ways, happy in the knowledge
that our nerdiness has one again saved the day.
For even if it was only a Drunken Skunk this time,
it could well be an Injured Pelican the next time.
STEFAN SURGERY (NOT FOR PROFIT)
Hot on the heels of the very successful lap-band
surgery being performed on those suffering from
'E-X-P-A-N-S-I-O-N' problems, Stefan Surgery is
proud to offer the latest in medical advancement -
'lip-band' (TM) surgery.
Lip-band (TM) surgery works in a similar way to
lap-band surgery except the 5-hour, $5,000
operation involves putting a rubber band around
the lips of the patient. (Mick Jagger lips = 50-hour,
$50,000 operation). Why so costly, I hear your
mind mutter? Well, a packet of rubber bands costs
at least $2 for 100 or so, then there is that issue of
margin calls on our shares that we need to pay for,
along with the upkeep of our mansions, fleets of
luxury cars, trophy wives, etc, etc. In fact, I don't
know how we keep our prices so low!
Lip-band (TM) surgery can work wonders for
those who constantly talk about themselves. It is
guaranteed to reduce the constant verbal flood to a
trickle. Hundreds of husbands have already
booked in their nagging wives while even the
Mafia have booked in some squealers to stop them
talking in a humane way. Want a sure-fire way of
stopping your boss from turning a ten minute
meeting into a twenty-hour talkfest? Book him in
today for some lip-band (TM) surgery.
Here at Stefan Surgery, we pride ourselves on our
green credentials. The rubber bands we use are
bio-degradable so they will break down in about
1,000 years time. They're also environmentally
friendly, as we paint them green with this toxic
tonic paint. We also ask our doctors to consider
wearing a green smock when performing the
surgery, but this is purely voluntary.
Why not book in with a friend? We have a
special 2-for-1 offer at the moment. You pay twice
as much and we only perform one surgery.
Remember the old World War 2 saying –
“Loose lips sink ships”? Well, rest assured ships
of the world. Stefan Surgery can stop loose lips
with lip-band (TM) surgery.
The best thing about my new organisation is that
it's a Not-for-Profit company. That's right! We
only deal in off-the-books cash transactions.
Nothing at all goes into our books against Profit.
Stefan
Stefan Zone Exit
- - Ж - -
Prepared in Melbourne for publication in Anzapa #258 December 2010
and for display on eFanzines: http://www.efanzines.com
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