8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 1/18
Tips from a Therapist ™
How to Talk so yourSpouse will Listen
Linda Walter, LCSW ____________________________
www.lindawaltercounseling.com
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 2/18
How to Talk
so your
Spouse
will Listen
by
Linda Walter, LCSW
Copyright © 2011, Linda Walter
Series Copyright © 2011 to present, Linda Walter
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by anymeans, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording,taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the writtenpermission of the copyright holder.
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 3/18
Contents
What is Communication?
What is Effective Communication?
Non Verbal Communication
Tips to help your communication with others go more smoothly
Exercises to help
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 4/18
How to Talk so yourSpouse Will Listen
Why doesn’t he listen to me?
Why does she keep saying the same things over and over again?
Why do I have to keep repeating myself?
Why doesn’t she understand what I’m trying to say?
Have you ever found yourself asking any of these questions?
Could it be that you and your spouse or partner are not communicating
with each other effectively?
If there is any single key to successful relationships, it is communication.
Communication is the lifeline of business and personal relationships.
What is communication?
According to Dictionary.com, it’s “the imparting or interchange of thoughts,
opinions, or information by speech,writing or signs.”
When we communicate with others we hope to effectively share our ideas,
thoughts and feelings. Why? Because we want people to understand and listen
to us.
Let’s examine the communication process:It consists of:
• What you mean to say, in other words, the message you're trying to get
across,
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 5/18
• How you say it, i.e., what your tone of voice is, your facial expression,
your body language,
• How the listener interprets what you've said,
• Giving feedback on the message to show that it has been correctly
understood.
Unfortunately, the communication process doesn’t always run smoothly.
Sometimes, people don’t actually understand what we’re saying. Sometimes,
they’re not even listening to what we’re saying. And sometimes, we or they
aren’t communicating effectively. As the late actor Paul Newman said in the
movie Hud, “What it looks like we have here is a failure to communicate.”
Communication is a funny thing. When you want to listen to someone and hear
what they say, chances are you will hear just about every word. When you’re not
ready to hear, chances are you’ll hear every 10th word, or even less.
Examples of how the communication process
can go awry.
The names mentioned below are not the real names of my clients.
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 6/18
I’ll tell her what’s on my mind...
Consider the following interaction between John, a man I saw in therapy, and his
wife. John and his wife had agreed that it was important for him to come to
therapy. One day when he was getting ready to come to my office, she asked
him to stay home to watch the kids so she could go to her friend’s house to helpwith something. According to John, the visit to her friend’s house was not time
sensitive and could easily have been postponed for an hour or two. He was
furious. His plan, when he got home, was to let her know how insensitive and
unsupportive she had been.
I asked John what he thought the outcome of confronting his wife would be and
he said he thought she would probably get angry and defensive and that would
lead to an argument. I reminded John that he was indeed in the session which
must have meant that in the end, his wife was willing to let him come.
I suggested that, instead of giving his wife a hard time when he got home, hemight say, “Thank you for supporting me in keeping to my appointment.” He
was shocked at my suggestion and I could see, very uncomfortable with it. He
wanted to know why he should thank her if she had given him a hard time. I
said, “Because she did let you come and because it’s probably better to avoid an
argument so that you can discuss this calmly.”
John reluctantly agreed to try my suggestion but was clearly skeptical that it
would work. Later that day I received an email from him thanking me. He had
said exactly what we had rehearsed and reported, “It worked like a charm.” It
immediately disarmed his wife, allowed her to listen instead of becoming
defensive, and they were then able to sit and talk about what had happened and
how to prevent it from happening in the future.
It’s so much easier for us to listen to someone when they are not attacking, not
blaming, not accusing.
I keep saying the same thing over and over again but he just
doesn’t listen...
I saw Mary in therapy. She was extremely annoyed with her husband because,
no matter how many times she asked him to pick his clothes up from the floor
and put them away, each day she found articles of clothing, not only on the
bedroom floor, but around the house. She was even more furious because her
children, she believed having learned from their father, began to do the same
thing.
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 7/18
I wondered what the process of communication had been between Mary and her
husband regarding the clothes issue. She said she had initially asked him to pick
up his things and he usually said, “OK” but didn’t do it. She then began
reminding him to pick them up whenever she saw something on the floor. He
usually responded to this by saying, “Later.” This response caused Mary to get
increasingly annoyed until she began to nag him. Her husband started gettingvery angry, sometimes ignored her and sometimes said, “Leave me alone!” He
also, at times shouted, “If you want the clothes picked up that badly why don’t
you do it yourself!” Obviously this had progressed into an unproductive and even
destructive communication pattern in which neither Mary nor her husband got
what they wanted.
Why do we think Mary’s husband didn’t do as she had asked? Is he mean? Does
he want to annoy her? Does he not care about her? Probably none of the above.
Can’t she see I don’t want to talk about it?
Pete related the following story to me while in therapy. He had come home from
work one day in a very bad mood and admitted this was probably obvious to his
wife. Upon seeing him, his wife asked him what was wrong. Because he didn’t
want to talk about it, he told her there was nothing wrong. Not believing this she
said, “I can see there’s something wrong, tell me, maybe I can help.” But Pete
wasn’t budging and kept repeating that there was nothing wrong. His wife got
upset and angry and asked him again to tell her what had happened. At this
point Pete got very annoyed, yelled at her and stormed off saying, “There’snothing wrong. If I wanted to talk to you I would. Now you’ve made me feel
worse and I wish you would just leave me alone!” What went wrong in
this situation?
Can’t he just listen to me without telling me what I should do?
Jane related the following incident to me. One day she came home from work
after having an extremely difficult time with her boss and coworkers. She beganto tell her husband about her day during dinner. After several minutes, he
interrupted her and said, “You know what you should do? You should go in there
tomorrow, demand a meeting with your boss and let her know you believe she
treated you unfairly.” Jane told him she didn’t feel should could do that and went
on to continue her story. Her husband, getting a little frustrated, interrupted her
again and repeated his advice. She again told him that she couldn’t do that,
confronting her boss in that way wasn’t something she was comfortable doing, to
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 8/18
which he replied, “Then what are you telling me about this for if you’re not going
to listen to me?” He then walked away in a huff.
What went wrong in the above examples? Personality flaws? Incompatible
couples? Know-it-alls? Naggers? Could be, but most likely not. Ineffective
communication is the culprit. Not effectively expressing your point in a way that
makes it easy to listen to. And, not effectively listening to another person in a
way that helps you to better understand what they are trying to tell you. Don’t
worry, we will discuss the above examples again in a moment.
What is effective communication?
Many problems between people are a result of a breakdown in communication. You know what you’re trying to say, but sometimes, it may not be so obvious to
others. Because you may believe you’re saying what you want to so clearly, you
may not realize that others might need clarification or even an explanation in
order to understand what you’re trying to say.
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 9/18
Our words and actions may also send mixed messages, creating confusion
instead of clarity. Saying, "I'm so happy to see you" with a frown or angry
expression sends conflicting signals.
Let’s break down the steps of communication.
Step one
Communication begins the minute you interact with someone, either verbally or
visually. As soon as you make eye contact with someone, you have begun to
communicate with them. Some sort of message is being sent and received.
Step two
If you decide you want to say something verbally to someone else you first need
to assess whether or not you think they are ready to receive the message. In
other words, it may not be best to just begin talking to someone when the urge
strikes. Are they busy? Are they talking to someone, on the phone, on the
computer, or doing something they look engaged in? Do you think something will
distract them from listening to you, do they look worried, do they look busy, do
they look ready to engage in a conversation? Remember, you want to say
something because you want to be heard. Taking this step will greatly increase
the chance that the other person will be ready and willing to listen to what youhave to say.
Step three
Let the other person know that you’d like to talk with them. This can be done in
a number of ways:
• Simply telling them you’d like to talk.
• Making small talk, for example, saying “hello” to see if they’re willing to
take the conversation further.
• Physically moving closer to them while facing them and making eye
contact.
Step four
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 10/18
The receiver will let you know if they are ready to receive your message, are
ready to listen to you. They may do this in any one of a number of ways:
• They’ll tell you they have time to talk. Or if they don’t have time, they’ll
let you know this is not a good time for them.
• They won’t make eye contact back.
• They’ll walk away as you move closer to them.
What should you do if someone lets you know they’re not ready to talk? Should
you say,” But I have to talk now, can’t your thing wait, you’re always telling me
you can’t talk?” How successful do you think you will be in getting you message
across? Remember, the purpose of communicating is to give another person
information. That means you want to give the message to them in a way that
you can be pretty sure they will listen and hear you.
Step five
Once you get the OK to begin your conversation, do so.
Step six
What should the receiver of the message do? The answer is simple: listen. When
someone talks to you, listen. Many of us listen to the first line and then start
thinking of how we’re going to respond. And what happens? We miss the rest of
the message. So the job of the listener is to listen. Listen to every word. If you’re
not sure of the message, ask. If you don’t understand what is being said, ask. Ifyou have a question, ask. But, above all, try not to interrupt. Wait until the
speaker stops speaking before you talk.
Nonverbal Communication
There are 2 kinds of messages we send out. And we send them out
simultaneously. One is the verbal message, the actual words we say, and the
other is the nonverbal message. Nonverbal messages comprise of how we say
things i.e., eye contact, tone of voice, hand gestures, body posture, etc.
Let me give you some examples:
• Suppose someone asks you how you are. You answer, “I’m fine” while
tears run down your face. Will they think you’re fine or will they think
you’re sad?
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 11/18
• What would you think if a person told you something or listened to you
without making eye contact with you? Would you think they are
disinterested in what you have to say, or are they engrossed in
conversation with you?
• How about if you were talking to someone and they started laughing at
you?
• What would you think if, while talking, the person to whom you are
talking started to check their phone?
Make sure your nonverbal gestures match the tone of the message you’re tryingto get across. People typically pay more attention to nonverbal communication
cues than they do to the words that are spoken. So be careful. Be as careful with
what you say as with how you say it.
Tips to help your communication with others go
more smoothly
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 12/18
1. Try to avoid saying “you never” or “you always”.
Listen to the difference:
“You never pick your clothes up from the floor” vs. “I would so appreciate it if
you would make an effort to pick up your clothes from the floor”. Which would
you rather listen to? How about this? “You never listen to me when I talk” vs.
“Sometimes I get the feeling that I’m not getting across to you”.
2. Say what you mean.
Don’t assume others will know what you mean. Don’t hint, don’t beat around the
bush. Say exactly what you mean. Compare these two statements:
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to stay late at work tomorrow and won’t be able to
go out for dinner as planned” vs. “I may not be able to make our dinnertomorrow”.
3. Start each statement with the word “I”.
If you need to say something to someone that may be contentious, try to start
each statement with the word “I” and not “You”. For example:
“I would appreciate it if”, “I feel better when you”, “It makes me feel … when I
see”, “It would help me if”.
When we start a comment with the word you, “You always”, “You make me feel”,it feels as if someone is wagging their finger at you to say you’re doing
something wrong. It usually puts them in a defensive position and they feel they
have to come out fighting.
4. Try to calm yourself down before speaking.
If you are being told something upsetting or the speaker is confronting you
about something, the best thing to do is to remain calm before you speak. Easier
said than done, I know.
So what’s the trick?
Try to repeat what the speaker said, this will give you a chance to calm down
and will let the speaker know you heard them. For example, “It sounds like
you’re angry because I don’t pick my clothes up”. Once the speaker knows they
are being heard, they will most likely calm down and be able to say what they
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 13/18
mean in a calmer fashion. You, as the listener will then be able to respond. Try to
do it calmly and in a non-accusatory way.
Solutions
Let’s go over the examples I gave in the beginning of this book and see different
ways we may approach the situations.
The first example was about the husband whose wife wanted
him to watch the children instead of coming to his therapy
appointment.
Scenario 1
Wife: I’d like to go see my friend. Would you stay home and watch the children?
Husband: But you know I have an appointment. Why are you doing this to me?
Wife: Doing what to you? I need to go out.
Husband: It’s always about you, what you want to do.
You can see where this conversation is going.
Scenario 2
Wife: I’d like to go see my friend, would you stay home and watch the children?
Husband: Sure, I’d be happy to. I have my therapy appointment to go to so I will
be available to help out in about 1 1/2 hours.
Wife: OK, thanks.
What’s the difference? In the first scenario the husband takes the point of view
that his wife is intentionally sabotaging his appointment time and is therefore
confrontational. In the second, he understands his wife’s need and is willing tohelp. He suggests a compromise. She feels heard and so agrees to the
compromise.
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 14/18
In the second example, Mary is very annoyed with husband
because he doesn’t pick his clothes up off the floor.
Scenario 1
Wife: There are clothes on the floor again. How many times have I asked you topick them up?
Husband: I’ll get to it later. Right now I have things to do.
Wife: You always say that and never get to it. Please pick them up now.
Husband. I said I can’t do it now. I’ll do it later.
Wife: Sure, just like you always do.
Scenario 2
Wife: Honey, I noticed there are clothes on the floor again. It makes me feel
unimportant when you say you’ll pick them up and then don’t.
Husband: I’m not trying to tell you you’re not important, I’m just saying picking
the clothes up isn’t important to me.
Wife: I’d like to ask that you do it anyway because it’s important to me. Is there
any way we can compromise on this?
Husband: Well, it’s second nature for me to drop them on the floor and I think
that would be difficult to change. Would it be OK if I picked them up beforegoing to bed at night?
Wife: So you’re saying that you’d be more inclined to pick them up if you needed
to do it only once a day, and that you’d prefer to do it at night?
Husband: Yes
Wife: Would it be OK if I remind you before you go to bed in case you forget?
Husband: That would be a good idea.
Wife: How should I remind you?
Quite a difference scenario and quite a different outcome.
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 15/18
In the third example, Pete came home in a bad mood but did
not want to talk about it.
Scenario 1
Husband walks in the door obviously upset.
Wife: What’s wrong? Did something happen at work?
Husband: No nothing’s wrong, nothing happened.
Wife: I can see something is wrong, why don’t you tell me what happened?
Husband: I’m telling you nothing happened, nothing’s wrong. Leave me alone
before something is really wrong!
Scenario 2
Husband walks in the door…
Wife: What’s wrong, did something happen at work?
Husband: No nothing’s wrong.
Wife: OK, perhaps you may have had a hard day. If you’d like to talk, I’m here.
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 16/18
In this second scenario, the husband will most likely feel that his wishes to not
talk have been respected and will be much more likely to open up to wife when
not forced to.
In the last example I gave, Jane comes home from work having
had a hard day. She tries to talk to her husband who wants to
tell her what to do to solve the problem.
Scenario 1
Wife: Boy, did I have a hard day. I had a hard time with my boss and with some
other coworkers.
Husband: What happened?
Wife: My boss gave me a hard time about a project I presented and the other
members of my team didn’t support me.
Husband: You know what you need to do? You need to insist on having an
appointment with your boss to tell her what you think of the situation. You need
to defend yourself.
Wife: Thanks for your suggestion, but I’m not really comfortable doing that.
Husband: Then what do you want from me? I’m just trying to give you
suggestions as to what to do. Why are you telling me about your problem then?
Scenario 2
Wife: Thanks for your advice honey. I can see that you really want to help me.
What I really need from you right now is to just listen. Let me vent and
complain. You don’t have to worry about trying to find a solution for me.
Husband: OK. So you don't need me to help you figure out what to do?
Wife: No. What I need you to do is just listen to me.
Husband: That's something I can do.
I think you get the idea.
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 17/18
Practice, Practice, Practice
Here are some suggestions for interactions you may want to try on your own.
1. You’re angry with your spouse for forgetting to buy milk. How do you
let them know?
2. Your spouse is angry with you and is yelling at you. How can you
respond in such a way as to end the yelling?
3. Your boss lets you know that they’re unhappy with your latest project.
How do you respond without sounding defensive?
4. Your son comes home from school obviously in a bad mood and yells
at you. How do you let him know that you know he’s upset without
confronting him?
5. You’re at the doctor’s office and feel very rushed. You feel the doctor
isn’t taking enough time to explain your situation. How can you let
them know that you need more of an explanation?
Try to start each of these examples with the word I and try to put yourself in the
other person’s place before responding.
Good luck.
Remember, communication is like the tango.
It takes two.
8/12/2019 How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/how-to-talk-so-your-spouse-will-listen 18/18
Linda Walter, LCSW has been a practicing
Psychotherapist for over 25 years and is Licensed and
Certified in the State of New York. She sees clients in
both Westchester and Manhattan, New York.
Ms. Walter sees individuals, couples, families and groups
in her practice and supervises other therapists. She
describes herself as a short term therapist. “I believe it
is important to concentrate on the healthy aspects of the
individual in order to strengthen those skills which will
help alleviate their pain or problem. I feel this is the most
humanistic approach to therapy and best meets my client's immediate needs,”
states Ms. Walter.
Although she sees a broad range of people, many of whom are going through
transitional phases in their lives and may be suffering from depression, she is
well known for her work with anxiety and stress related difficulties.
She has been featured in broadcast and print, and has taught a variety of mental
health and psychotherapy topics.
Look for other books in the Tips From a Therapist ™ series.
Top Related