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ROOTS & FRUITS
WHOLEFOODS & ORGANICS
455 Great Western Rd, Kelvinbridge, G12 8HH
351 Byres Rd, G12 8AU
Fresh Organic Meat, Fruit and Vegetables
Vegan, Wheat-Free & Gluten-Free Products
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Body Care
10 % Student Discount with Valid Matriculation
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- Open 11am-12pm
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23 Sandyford Place
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(0141) 221 0770
- Free Internet Access
- Large Sky Television
- Private Function Room
8/14/2019 GUM 2005/06 Issue 1
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3
thefashionspank
/noyessix of the best
music
fashion
television
munchies
bile and benson
on football
4
6
12
14
1618
20
22
dancemusicissodeadandburiedthatnoonesevenwritingabout
howitsdeadandburiedanymore:thefirst of three exclusive
reportsonthecurrentstateofclublandbystefmacbeth...
heraldawardwinnerjennymunroonthefairytaleshivers
currentlytraversingtheautumn/wintercatwalks...
thesummersmostoffensivefashionpariahs,
mercilesslyexposedbyGUMsresidentstylequeen,jennymunro...
whatishot,whatisnot,whatisin,whatisout:
youknowyouhearditherefirst...
ashortreviewofsomeofthehottestdestinationsinglasgow
forallyounewarrivals,sograbyourpurse,andletsgetgoing...
widdyonthet.v?youknowitmakessense...
emilyhillontheriseandriseofannwiddecombe...
ms.gullandwhipsoutherutensilsforanotherbakingextravaganza:
supersoup,burstingbakers,mirandasmarquis...mmmmiranda...
seagulls,sardinesandlove?
ashortdiscourseonfootballingpoetics,byjohndonaldson...
pityourwitsagainstthesadladoncemore...
andyoumightevenwinsomethingifyoureextra-speciallucky...
makingenochpowelllooklikeantheaturner,
viciousness,thynameisbenson...
8
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jennymunro
Andlo,thesummerendsandwinterisonitsway.Infashion
termsthisisadefinite blessing. Howisitpossibletorelisha
season inwhich onemay beforced towear cheesecloth?
Thissummer,ofcourse,hashadmorethanitsfairshareoffelonies
andsomeheartyspankingsareinorder.
Now,ifIwasntabsolutelysurethatPeteDohertyneversmokedanythingstrongerthanBerkeleyMenthols,Idthink
hedbeensharingsomekindofhallucinogenicsubstance
withhisdelectablebird,KateMoss,whoseonceuntouch-
ablefashionistastatusiscurrentlyonabitofaslide.Since
shackingupwiththelittleurchin,MissMosshasbeenpho-
tographedatGlastobra-less in lurex(notights) inthree
feetofmud,andthen indistinctlynappy-esquehotpants
andwellies:utterlyunpleasant.
LizHurleyhasbeenaskingforachocolateicecreamdisasterall
yearafterhavingadmittedthatshehasapairofwhitejeansforeach
dayoftheweek.JudeLawscurrentfoppishhairstylemakeshim
resembleayoung,fake-bakedBorisJohnsonand,lestweforget,his
belovedSiennacontinuestosqueezethelastgaspsoutoftheboho-
chicmonstershecreated,andislookingdistinctlymarket-stallinTor-
remolinos.Finally,MrsBeckam,lovelything thatshe is,provokedhilarityalloverwhensheworeafishtail ballgown with an enormous
willowpatternalloverit(yes,theplate,seeright),designedbyRob-
ertoCavalli,dresserofabsoluteknobseverywhere.
Well,thanktheLord,theagoniesofsuchasummershouldend
withtheweathertheLochLomondsunburnfades,theblancmange
belliesgobackintohibernation,theresnomoreneedforspending
hoursworkinginacallcentrewherenobodyunderstandstheword
egregious,andthecheeseclothcangobacktoadorning,well,abig
hunkofedam...
thefashionspan
k
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ye
s
hunters.thompsonchic
siennasditchedtheboho,boughtthe
glasses,isstilllookingforthatfloures-
centgolfvisor...startbookinginyour
tonsureandstockinguponacidNOW
tobeintimetobeattheChristmas
rush...itllbelikehavingthegilet
beforeitbecamepasse
alloveragain
thenortonanthology
indispensibleonlyasyourdoor-stop,
whateveryoudothisweek,DONOT
contractthistwovolumelumpofjunk-youlljustbepawningittoafirstyear
forapacketoffags12monthsdownthe
line,thatis,ifyouhaventburntitas
firewoodinthesegruellingsub-zero
climes
/n
o
petedocherty
asthisispurportingtobea
magazineitwouldbecriminalnottomentionhim,some-
where.conclusiveproofthat
thegoodbritishpublicloves
amanalmostpermanently
offhisface,especiallyifhe
happenstobeupper-
middle-classandfey-looking.
aaahhhh...
glasto-luvvies
nowthatgwynniesturning
upinherfloatyscarfand
handingroundthepinenuts
fromherwinnebagowindow,
isntittimeyouinvitedyour
maidenauntdowntherefor
arealgroovytime?coldplay
headlining,kylietributeafter
kyliecancellation...rockon,man,rockon...
neighbours
sheerdramaticgeniusofa
lunchtime,boydhoylandhad
usgrippedallsummer-ster-
oid-munching-coma-waking-
pulsating-young-lothariothat
heis...anexcellentmorality
taleonwhathappensifyou
dropoutofschool
youdothemaths
250:thenumberofjobssir
murirussellproposes
toaxeinamoneysaving
initiativetobalancethe
universitysbooks
(7millionisthe
projectedshortfall
forthisyear)
178,000:sirmuirs
salaryforfindingwaysto
makesuchsavings
215,000,75,000:
sirmuirsannualpension
fromthecivilservicein
lumpsumandannual
payment
11,932:average
startingsalaryforagrade
aresearcher
38,603:average
wageofasenior
lecturer
dressingupasaplate
oi.beckham.noooooo
5
lecturerecturer
dressing up as a plateressing up as a plateoi. beckham. noooooo
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six of the best:freshers destinations
1.culture.....................................................................CCA
Ifyourefeelinginthemoodforabitofculture,headintotownfor
theCCAonSauchiehallStreet,whereyoullfind the very finest of
contemporaryBritishart,withfresh,exuberantexhibitions,freead-missionandagreatartshopsellingallsortsofbeautifulartbooks,
postcardsandposters.TheCCAalsoboastsasmallcinema-the
Scorceseseasonwaslastyearshighlight.RelativelyclosetotheArt
School,theCCAsbustlingcafisfilled to the brimwith young, beau-
tiful,bizarrelyattiredartstudentswithaskewretrohairandunearthly
squints.Lightacherootoutside,growabeard,ripyourtights,and
suckupthatsceneman.
4.club.....................................................................subclub
OK dont get hysterical if theonly flyers youve found in Halls
arefordressingupasanaughtynursewhilstboogyingondownto
sleazeandcheesebyDJPo.YouhaventgotthisfartodancetoaGreasemedleywithawankeredfortyyearoldstapledtoyourinside
leg.Ohno.ThemostobviousdestinationthereforewouldbeSubclub
onJamaicaStreet,whichsetsouttosavenothinglessthanyour
musicalsoul.ItsalsowherethewholeofGlasgowwindsupofaSun-
daynight,forOptimo.Alternativelyifyourmusicalbentdoesntquite
revolvearoundturntables,breaksandrandomblips,headtotheArt
School:forthebestinlivemusic,andworld-classarchitecture.
2.food...............................................................number16
OK,soyoumightwanttojustrememberthisoneforgraduation,
forwhenyourfolksarefeelingparticularlychipper,orforwhenyour
lovedonehasdonesomethingtrulyheinousandneedstomakeup
foritbig-time...butbelieveus,itswellworthkeepinginmind.Atiny
littlebistroatnumber16ByresRoad,thevenueisintimate,thepre-
theatremenuisdeliciousandtheatmosphereadelight.Itis,quite
simply,gourmetheaven,arestauranttomakeevenaFrenchman
covetous.
5.pub......................................................................cottiers
Ifyouwanttofind a bona-fide beer garden, not a2inch patch
ofmud masquerading as grassandbeerextravaganza on a verti-
calslant,thenheaddownHyndlandRoadforCottiers:aconverted
churchwithagreatbigfire in winter and a restaurant in the turret for
sugar-daddydining.Outsidethereisacourtyardadornedwithfairy-
lightsandalargegardenwithrealgreengrass,largebenchesanda
hippytent:likealargebackgardenactually,minusthepinedecking
andthelawnmower.
6.womenswear...............................................ruthvenlane
Ifyoureonthemakeforsomethingsnazzybutcantstretchtothe
UrbanOutfitter price-tag, try Ruthven Lane off Byres Road. Theres
Peppermintfornicknacks,bagsandoffbeatjewellrymadeoutofpins,
plectrumsandpinkplastic,Darling,aquirkyandeclecticboutique,
forbags,beltsandcut-priceItalianlabels(includingMissSixty)-ideal
foranightonthetown,andGloryHoleforthecreamofGlasgows
second-handshopfare.Theresaretroantiquesshopsellingevery-
thingfrompinballmachinestoobscurefurniture.PlustheresStarry,
StarryNight forwhenyoure throwinga cocktail party andwant ablacktasselledflapper dress, faux-emerald dragonfly earrings and a
six-inchciggieholder.Ohyes.
3.menswear....................twistedgeneration&proletariart
The fair-trade-and-fashion-hungry need look no further than
TwistedGenerationsexclusiverangeoft-shirts,designedbyDavid
Gilmour.Atinylittleboxroomontheupperfloor of DeCourcys ar-
cade,TGisfilled with dozens of t-shirts in bright, fresh colours and
Davidbeaveringawayathissewingmachine.Alternatively,ifyoure
wantingat-shirtthatmakesaradicalstatement,thesortofyoung
fellawhosjustabouttorockuptotheFreshersfairtohuntdowna
wall-sizedblackandwhitestillofthedetonationoftheatomicbomb
orabannerwithred-Chesheademblazoneduponit,stop,getdownto95aByresRoadforaProletariartTinstead.Blackpanthers,Lenin,
Trotsky, anti-globalisationharangues,Chris Diamond has it all in
yoursize.
7
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ad ?
Whendiscostartedtoemergeinthe
earlyseventiesthemusicindustrydidnt
knowhowreact.Themajorlabelswerethrownbyhowfacelessthewholethingwas
-noobviousstars,justlotsofsessionmusi-
ciansandsessionsingersrecordingunder
amultitudeofnames.Moreover,toanyone
whounderstoodwhatwashappeninginthe
music,thewholeideaofreducingittopop
songsthatcouldbeplayedoutofcontexton
theradiowasabsurd.Discowasnotjusta
newgenreofpopmusic,itwasanewbreed
ofmusicbecauseitelevatedtheDJbeyondthelevelofeducatedjukebox.
PioneeringNYCDJslikeFrancisGrasso,
DavidMancusoand(later)LarryLevan
weretakingtherecordsandweavingthem
togetherintoawholenightssountrack
-composednotofdifferentiatedsongsbut
ofpassagesofsound,eachflowinginto
thenextwiththebeatremainingconstant.
TheseDJsweretakingsongsandextend-
ingthemintosets-anditwastheentireset,
nottheindividualsongsthatmadedisco
disco.
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Inthelateseventiesdiscoallegedlydied(1978,apparently).
Instead,peoplelikeGiogioMoroderturneddiscoelectric,anddrum
machinesreplacedlivedrummers.Thisopenedupthepossibili-
tiesfortheDJwhocouldnowoverlaytworecordswithouthaving
toworryaboutthefluctuations of a live drummer and seamless
mixingbecamearequiredskill.WhenFrankieKnucklesrelocated
fromNewYorktoChicagointhelateseventiesandopenedupThe
Warehouse,discomorphedintosomethingnewagain.
ItwasntsomuchtherecordsthatDJslikeFrankieKnuckles
andMarshallJeffersonwereplaying(alotofthemwerealready
anthemsinLarryLevansParadiseGarageinNYC)buttheway
theywereplayingthem.Theemphasiswasonthebeatpatternsin
general,andthekickdruminparticular.WhenpeoplelikeFarley
JackmasterFunkstartedsamplingoldPhilidelphiasoulrecords
andputtingtheirdistinctivedrumpatternsoverthetoptomake
thesoundtougherandmorejackin,itwasclearthatanewsound
hadarrived,house,namedaftertheclubwherethesoundwasfirst
heard.Noticeitwasaclub-andnotastudio-wherethesound
wasborn.
Thereasonforthispottedhistorylessonistoillustrate
onekeypoint.House,dancemusic,rave,techno-
whateveryouwanttocallit-cannotbetracedbackto
onerecord,oneartistorevenoneDJbecausedance
musicisaboutthecomingtogetherofallthoseelements.
Andtheplacewherethatcomestogetherisatparties.
Sotheideaofahouserecordinthepopchartsisfundamentally
odd.Butofcourse,whenyougetrecordslikeDerrickMaysStringsOfLifecomingout,itsnotsurprisingthatlargeamountsofpeople
wouldwanttoownitthemselves-especiallyiftheyvehearditas
partofaDJset.Thereareplentyofhouserecords(justlikethere
areplentyofdiscorecords)thatdontneedaDJ-theyworkas
poprecords,too.Whichmusthavecomeasahugerelieftothe
peoplewhohadtomarketthisstuff.Housemusicisfundamentally
faceless,plagiarisedandobsessedwithdrumsandbasslinesrather
thanmelodiesandchorusthatpeoplecanhumalongtointhebath.
Ifeveraphrasevictimofitsownsuccesswasapplicableitisinthestoryhousemusicsrelationshipwithpop.StringsofLifeor
InnerCitysGoodlifeorThomasBangaltarsMusicSoundsBetter
WithYouarephenomenalhouserecords.Thechartsuccessof
suchrecordsmadetheworldsitupandtakenotice.Indeed,inthe
midtolateninetieseveryonewantedapieceofthedancemusic
pie.Andbythistimetheindustryhadfoundsomefacestomarket
allthisfacelessmusic-theDJ.Herethehollywoodversionandthe
grimyindependentversionofthestorypartcompany-well,justabout.
hollywoodversion:
TheDJ,whotraditionallyhadbeenlowerdownthepeckingorder
thantheglasscollector,lappedupthepraise,startedplayingthree
gigsanightandcharging4-figure sums for each, and generally
gettingabitbigforhisboots.Moreover,becausehe(andyesit
wasnearlyallmen)wasbeingpaidsomuchforsolittle,theartof
DJing,ofbringingthecrowdupanddown,holdingthingsbackandbeinginventive,wasratherlost.Ifyoureonlyplayingforacouple
ofpeaktimehoursthenallyouneedisthecrowdpleasers-every
tunemoreimmensethanthelastuntiltheaudiencehasbeen
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suckeddryofeveryemotionimaginable.ThisdemandbytheDJs
foreverlarger(rememberwhenpeopleusedtotalkaboutchoons
-aslarrrrrrge?),moreeuphoricandaffectingrecords,broughtwith
itanewgenreofmusic-tranceandprogressivehousewithits
characteristiclyimmenseandelongatedbreakdowns.
AndforawhileitseemedlikeDJswerethenewGodandclub-
bingthenewreligion.Butyoucantkeepgoingup,up,up.Atsome
pointthingshavetolevelout-andthenwhere?Iftheydreadtheir
Platothentheydhaveknownthatlargeisfundamentallyrelative
-thingsonlyseemlargewhencomparedtosomethingsmaller.
Dynamicsandallthat.Butofcoursetheywerefartoobusybeing
supertothinkaboutthat.Sothepeoplegotbored,realisedthat
theonlybitstheylikedaboutthemusictheywerehearinginthe
Superclubswerethebitsthatsoundedlikesongsand,heypresto!
Theprocesshadgonefullcircle.Songswereback,byebyeMrDJ,
wewontbeneedingyouanymore.
grimy,independentversion:
DJs,producers,promotersandclubberscarriedondoingwhat
theydbeendoingallalong.This,afterall,wastheunderground
andtheundergroundpaysfarlessattentiontowhatshappening
inthemainstreamthanthemainstreamdoestowhatshappening
intheunderground.Oncerecordsbecometoorecognisablemost
seriousDJswouldstartplayingotherlesser-knownrecords,partly
becauseitsmoreinteresting,butalsobecauseofthenatureof
dancemusic.TheDJsjobistomakethecrowddancetoanentire
set,notjustindividualsongs.Andthisemphasisonsetsnotsongs,
meanstheDJ,likeagoodchessplayermustplanafewmoves
ahead,holdthingsback,bringthecrowddown,thenbringthemup
inaslightlydifferentway.
YouhavetohaveaPlanA,aPlanBandaPlanCatleast,
saysDomenicCappello,residentattheSubClubsince1994.You
dontwanttoplayloadsofcheesyrecords,hecontinues,butwhat
happensinanundergroundsceneisthatrecordsbecomepopular
eventhoughtheyrenotcheesyrecordsandthentheybecome
cheesyforaparticularscene.Soyoudontwanttoplaybigtuneafterbigtunetogetpeopleup-youhavetotryandeducateas
wellasinvigorate.AnditispreciselythisthatthesuperstarDJs
stoppeddoing.
Itmaysoundelitist,arroganteven,tosaythataDJsjobisto
educateaswellasinvigoratethecrowd.Indeeditmaysound
paradoxicaltosuggestthatbody-music,asdancemusicis,ought
tostimulatethemind.Butitiswhereallthesuperclubsgotitso
wrong.Bodymusicdoesnotmeanbrainlessmusic,andpeoplewho
wanttodancecanhavemindsoftheirown.AnditistheDJs,thepromoters,theproducersandtheclubbersthatunderstandthatthat
arestilldancing-evenifwevebeenzombified by the mainstream,
thepontificating liberals and the hostile licencing laws.
Housemusicisnomoredeadin2005thandiscowasdeadin
1978regardlessofwhatmainstreamculturalgurusormarketing
typesthink.Forabriefperiodhouserecordsbecamepoprecords,
too.Sowhat?Housemusicsfling with popular culture was at best
funny,atworstugly,butultimatelyprettyirrelevant.Sotheobituar-
iesarealmostright,exceptforonelittlething:theyreconfusingdancemusicwithpopmusic-andweallknowwherethatgetsus.
stefmacbeth
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woodspri
12
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W
egotagroovykindalove...Geoffbellowed,ashestroked
thesteeringwheel.Ooh,yeah,getthatthongoff..he
adlibbedalongtothemusic,justtomakeitamoresexual-
ised,like.PhilCollinswasnothingonGeoff,apulsinglothario,withsixcansofSpecialBrewinthebackseatandadesperatewoman
waitingforhimontheothersideoftown.Hedecidedtotakea
shortcutthroughTinkersWood.Therewasntaclearlydefined road
oranything,butifhehitadeer,hecouldalwaysslingitoverhis
shoulderandpresentitscarcasstoAnnette,hisshirtunbuttoned,
hisflesh dripping with bloody virility. Shed really want it then. So
embroiledwasGeoffinhisthoughts,hefailedtonoticethelarge
oakinthepathofhisMondeo.CRASH!
GeoffwastossedforwardlikeagherkinfromaBigMac,hisheadconnectingwiththewindcreen,butfortunatelysavedfrom
shatteringbyhisinchthickNewYorkNickscapandFububandana
underneath(fordaysoff).Stumblingfromthevehicle,hesurveyed
thedamage.Shit,thewindscreenwasasfuckedasthatbirdfrom
Bootlehedhadinthebackseatlastnight.Hepulledhisphonefrom
hispocket.Nocredit.Whyhadhewastedallhismoneysendinghis
dadthatAbiTitmussvideo?
Then,outofthecornerofhiseyehesawawoman,leaning
againstatree.Shehadmassesofblackhair,sheworealacyfrock,
ascabbywoolblousonjacketandhugemuddyboots.
Oi!WutheringHeights!heshouted,Yougotaphone?She
ignoredhim,soGeoffmovedcloser.Hesuddenlynoticedthefag
hangingfromherlips.AtleastgiveusoneofyourMayfairsthen?
Noreaction.Geoffwasgettingangry.Andsweaty.Sohestormed
towardsherandstoodfirmly in front of her. Listen up, Babooshka,
myMondeoisfuckedupoverthere,andIaskyouforhelp,perfect
gentandall..
Hershadowyblackeyesburnedintohisandhecouldnotspeak.
Herskinwasgreyish.Hefeltcold,suddenly,andabittinglyasifhedjustpoppedhalfapill.Thestrangertookhishand,diggingher
long,dirtynailsintohispalm.
Listen,love,I-Ivegotabird,sortof.ShescalledAnnetteand
sheswellfit-. But Geoff could no longer speak. His eyes wide and
empty,hefollwedthegirldeepintothetrees,andthenightechoed
withthesoundofPhilCollinssingingAgainstAllOddstoanemptyFordMondeo...
Ifdesignerswrotecollectivefairytalesfortheirautumn/wintercol-
lections,LondonsReadytoWearcollectionsmighthavesounded
somethingliketheballadofGeoffandhisFordMondeo,withgutsy,
unearthly,distinctlyBritishideasarisingeverywhere.Onestrong
trendonthecatwalkswasthewoodsprite-with-a-faglook,consisting
indiaphanousdressesandspiderwebpatternsmixedwithheavy
blackeyelinerandhugeblackwalkingboots.TracyBoydsphoto-
shoot(seeleft)featuredaghostlyblondeindaintyflapper frocksandfilthy riding boots, conjuring up images of murdered beauties
hauntingwoods,riversandleafySheffield train stations.
ThenaturalthemecontinuedwithFrostFrenchsbeautifulcrea-
tions,includingjumperswithimagesofdeerknittedintothemand
fragile,fairylikeskirts.ItsallveryAlisonGoldfrapp,whosefixation
withlipstick,wolvesandwelliesisverynowindeed,andwhosefirst
album,thesnowandsex-obsessedFeltMountain,wouldbethe
perfectdressingupsoundtrackforthislook,aswouldAForestby
theCureoranythingbyQueenKateofBush.
Thelookisoutdoorsy,glamorousandsomewhat
hazardous...see,youmusttrynottoenduplookinglike
theLeagueofGentlemensTubbs,inherslipandpinny,
andadeadmansTimberlandboots.
Amissionforthesatoriallysublimeifevertherewasone.
jennymunro
e-
with-
a-
fag
13
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14
14 COMMENTARY TheDailyVile,Doomsday,September33rd,2005
the bilewithalexbensonwhat must be done:
Thewaythatthelowerordershave
beenconductingthemselvesrecently
hasexercisedmetoararedegree.
Thoseshitsoftendo.AndbeforeIstartIknowwhatyoureallthinking;layoffthem
Benson,weallknowtheyreastuntedslack-
brainedsub-groupofawider,non-function-
ingsocialorderbutitill-behovestherestof
ustowastewhatlittlesanitywemighthave
leftrailingagainstthemintothewindlike
Learontheheath.Leavethemalone,dear,
dearboyandcomeinfromthestorm,for
agillofciderandtolistentoSparrowby
SimonandGarfunkel.
IvejustcomebackfromsomeSerbians
gardenpartyinNorfolk,Iwasassickasa
dogandsnoggedatwelveyearoldafter
doingfourteendog-legsofBolivianmarch-
ingpowderwiththeracingtipsterfromthe
Bugle.IcantrememberitbutChizTopp
saysthatIpushedheroffmewithsome
forceandwalkedstraightintoatentpole
ThenextmorningIhadjustopenedmydrink-soddenfaceforbusinessandwas
calmlypokingaroundthebackofmyskull
withaspoontoexploreingreaterdepththe
braintumourIseemedtohavedeveloped
throughouttheafternoonwhenacaustic
glareoutthewindowrevealedthatthe
Volvohadtakenabatteringonthedrivehome.Iwashopping.Itlookedasthough
afamilyofgorillashadattackeditwith
lumphammers,thoughIsuspectImayjust
havehitthecowthatwaslyingontheroof
(dented,mightIadd).
InthisdarkenedmoodIsatdownto
completeabalanced,sympathetic
treatmentofthehousingproblems
facinglowerincomefamiliesintheNorthEast,commisionedbysome
lispingfartattheGuardian.
TwentyminuteslaterIwasoutsidewitha
puttergivingthecowcorpsesixofthebest,
thearticlerippedtoshredsanddousedin
petrolandburned,burned,burned.This
isbecause,dearreader,Isimplycannot
standthoselurchingbastardjobless.Since
thischavhoo-hahhasbeenpastedovereverynewspaper,televisionprogramme
andmagazineIglanceintowheneverIneed
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15
the chav phenomenon
todilutetheday-to-dayvulgarityofthereal
worldIhavehadmyfill of them.
Timewas,agentlemancouldrelaxin
hisclubwithhisTimesandonlyneedhearaboutfavourabletradeagreements,orare-
laxingwar.Nowwehavethisdeluge,these
rotten,profanetalesofbrawlingandspitting
andrutting,witheveryglad-handedtrainee
journalistsimpletonclamouringtoaddtheir
ownsquawktothemelee.Itislikebearing
witnesstoapeculiarlyhorrific cross-sec-
tionalwormfarm,onlydisplayinghumanoid
maggots.
Ofcourse,Iwishthatthisonlyappliedtothemedia.Thetroubleisthat,contraryto
popularopinion,theworldisgettingworse.
Ashorttripintotownwillonlyconfirmwhat
dreadsuspicionlurksinthebelly.Bovine
mottledflesh, trussed up in garish, budget
polyester;gurningandheavingatthelice-
likeoffspringfoamingattheirelephantine
knees.Toothless,hirsutemawscrammed
full-to-burstingwithabbatoiroffcutsand
Armageddon-strengthtobacco.Languagethatwouldmakeapiratecry.Oneshortfact-
finding trip to the local shopping centre, and
allIcoulddowaskneeldownandweepfor
myfellowman.
AsdarknessfellIwandered,dazed,
throughthetowncentreandsawaherdofrottweillersthathadobviouslyeatensome
fermentingapplesandlearnedtowalkon
theirhindlegs.Regrettablecloserinspec-
tionrevealedahennight.Outsidedives,
knockingoutcongealedroadkill,ogrish
menandboysfoughtasiftherewere
somethingatstake.Hooligansbelched.I
stampedblindlythroughpuddlesofurine,
wishingmynotebookweremymauserpistol
-eveniftherewereonlyonebulletleft.
Thereareestablishmentsthatcaterfor
thesepeople,whokeeptheiralcoholcheap-
erbyonlybuyingexpiredstock.Everydrink
israncidandburnstheeyesandthroat.
Theydontrememberathing.Violenceis
anacceptedmeansofdiscourse.Youmay
notknowwhattheotherchapmeans,butit
hardlymatterswhenyoudontknowwhat
youreonaboutyourself.Younggirlswhelp
andtosstheiroffspringfromtowerblockwindows.Laughing.
Theirpropensityforbreedingisofcourse
theirgreatestweaponintheircontinuingwar
againstcivilisation.Mysolutiontothewhole
nightmarishproblemistoshoveallthe
yowlinglarvaeinabigfuckingblender,andanybackwarddivotsow-cowwhoexpress-
esadesiretohavechildrenbeforetheage
of11willhavetodrinkapintoftheresultant
mutagenicmuckinsteadofattendingthose
ineffectualsexeducationlessons.
Asthevaliumswearoff,Iseewithcrystal
claritythatthisisasituationweasanation
mustaddress.IfwecarryonlikethisIm
goingtosealtheatticclosedandspendthe
restofmydaysreadingParadiseLostinthechinksoflightcomingthroughthegaps
intherooftiles.
Morepowerstopolicemen,batons
forteachersandrevolversfor
midwives:Itsnoteugenics;its
commonbloodysense.
Ihavetoldthesecretaryofmyfanclubtoforwardanyangrymissivestothebonfire.
Asfortherestofyou,youcanallfuckoff.
COMMENTARY 15
of benson
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widdecombe
rules, ok?T
hethrillsandspillssprintmarathonthatistheToryleader-
shipracecontinuesapace.Theancientandfatcandidate,
KennethfattyClarkeseemstobelaggingbehindsomewhat,
perhapsduetohisgirth,butsurelyimpededbythefactthatinterest-
ingpoliticalhatsandcigarpuffing died the death with Churchill in
1965.DavidDavis,bornonahousingstate,isprincipallycelebrated
forhisagilityatscalingAlanClarkesbattlementsin1991,butis
otherwise,surelytheonlypoliticianofmoderntimeswhocanmake
GordonBrownappearchipperandupforalaff.Lastlythereis
DavidCameron,who,althougharampanttoffandOld-Etonian,is
thoughtthebestbetinthebattletoappealtotheaverageBriton,byvirtueofhisyouth,vigourandwinningsmirk.Itseemsdoubtful
whetheranyofthemcouldharbourahopeinhellofwinningthe
nextelection.
ItshouldbeclearbynowthattheTorypartyare,asusual,bang-
ingonthewrongdrum.Thepartyistootroubledforanordinary
mortaltogovern,theprospectivecandidatestooanonymousto
thwartthestalwartapathyoftheBritishpublic.Indecidingthemost
appropriateleader,theToriesmustconfrontthisduality:theyneed
someonewithundeniablemoralfibre, someone who looks goodinfrontofthecameras,whocharmsthemedia,andthusBritain
itself.Thisleavesonlyonepossiblecandidate:AnnWiddecombe.A
politiciannotafraidtobephotographedwithadalek.Yes,onrecent
form,itmustbeWiddecombe:pensionableCatholicvirgin,bouffant
blonde,andcarerfortheaverageBriton.
Widdecombehasmostrecentlycometothenationsatten-
tionthroughherstar-vehicleBBC2televisionprogramme,Ann
WiddecombetotheRescue.Thosewhowerefortunateenoughto
catchthistelevisualtour-de-force,musthavesattheirwondering,open-mouthed,inaliving-roomstupor:isthereanythingthiswoman
cantdo?WithagreatdealmorenaturalcharismathanBruceFor-
sythandnothingmorethanasuccessionofluridoutfits to sustain
her,wewatchedMs.Widdecombetrampingaroundthecountry
botheringtoconcernherselfwiththeissuesgrippingthecommonor
gardenworkingman.
Letustakejustonethirdofoneepisode,toillustratethepoint,
thatWiddecombecanperformfeatsMoses-likeintheirefficacy.
MeetingamaninDagenhamwhohadbeenonemploymentbenefit
sinceheslippedadiscintheearly1990sandwhogotthrough,on
average,48codeinepillsaday,plus24supermarketpainkillers
andtwocansofstrongciderpernight(plusanti-despressants).
Widdecombedictatedherpearlsofwisdom:Pearl1:youreluckytohaveanystomachliningleft.Pearl2:youvegottodealwith
it.Atthispoint,theaudiencemusthavewonderedwhatonearth
wasthepointoftheprogramme,theredidnotseemmuchhope
thatachangewasgoingtocomeifthiswasthesum-totalofWid-
decombesproblemsolvingmethod.Thereisneveragreatdeal
ofimaginationintellingsomeonenottodowhattheyknowthey
shouldntbedoing.
Afterdispensingthesestrictures,Widdecombepromptlyleaves
Dagenham,inpastelgreenwithgiantcostumeearrings,tosortoutCheltenham,inpalebluewithflower pattern, and is then on to
Walthamstowinvictorypinktoforcetheunemployableyouthback
intowagedwork.OnlythendoesshescuttlebacktoDagenham
toseehowwellMr.CodeineStrong-Ciderisheedingheradvice
andmendinghiserrantways.Miraculously,heiswellontheroad
torecovery.Withsheerdeterminationandthehelpofhisdoctor,
heislimitinghisCodeineintaketohismedicalprescriptionandnot
makinghiswifescurryofftoscoremoreoffsomeyoungpunkina
bikerjacketintheshortwindowbetweenCoronationStreetandThe
Bill.SuchmiracleworkinghassurelynotbeensinceAD33.AndeveryoneknowsitsonlyamiraclethatwillrestoretheTorypartyto
powerwithinourbrieflifespan.SowritetoyourlocalToryassocia-
tion.Helpthem,helpyou:VoteWiddecombe.
17
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18
miranda bakesC
ookingisnowaninevitability,sowhy
notmakeitanadventurousone:Haveafewfriendsoverfordinner,
addafewbottlesofwineandIguarantee
agoodnightahead;especiallyifyouall
contributetothecookingandbaking.
Thismenuisfairlyadaptable,andthe
recipesarenutritious,filling, easy and
cheap.Well,withtheexceptionofthe
marquis...whichissumptuousnesspersoni-
fied. So why not go for it, and try somethingnew...
leekandpotatosoup
1 leek,slicedanddiced
1 potato
onion(ortwosmallshallots
forasweetertaste)
425ml ofchicken/vegetablestock
130ml milk
25g butter
2tbs parsley
Inafairlylargepansautthevegeta-
blesinthebutteruntileverythingiscoated.
Coverthepanandleaveforfifteenminutes
untilthevegetableshavereleasedtheir
juicesandaresofttostir.
Simplyaddthestockandmilkandslowly
bringtoaboil,stirringsothatthebottomof
thepandoesnotburn.Oncesimmering,
reducetheheatandreplacethelidand
leaveforafurthertwentyminutesuntilthe
vegetablesarecookedthroughandsoft.
Thiswillproduceathickandlumpysoup,
whichcanbethinnedbyblendinginafood
processororsifted.Forabitofluxury,add4tablespoonsofcreamoryogurtintoyour
bowljustbeforeserving.Garnishwithfresh
parsley.
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burstingbakers
Theseingredientstendtolurkunnoticedincupboardsand
fridges,andwillprovideahealthyandfilling dinner. Indeed, you
canchangeanyoftheingredientsapartfromthecondensedsoup
whichisnecessarytobindtheingredientsandflavour together.
Nonetheless,youcanchoosefromawidevarietyofflavours. Ad-
ditionalingredientsmightincludecrushedgarlicandcoriander;ora
choppedvinetomatoandatinoftuna:thepossibilitiesareendless,
enjoyexperimenting!
1 largebakingpotato1 canCondensedCampbellsSoup
smalltinSweetCorn
2tbs choppedpeppers(uncooked)
choppedredonion
gratedcheesetosprinkle
Bakeapotato,withaskewerthroughthemiddlesothatitcooks
quicklyafterjustanhour.Removefromtheovenwithgloves.Keep
theovenon.Slicethelongsideofthepotatoheadoff,asyouwoulddotoaboiledegg.Scopeoutalloftheinsidepotatointoabowl
andadd1uncookedcanofCampbellsCondensedSoup(chicken
isverygood,butthechoiceisyours)withhalfasmalltinofsweet
corn,anychoppedpeppers,andsomeredonion.Mixthoroughly,
butdonotmash-youwanttoretainachunkytexture.
Scoopthecombinationbackintothepotatoshell.Themixture
willoverflow the shell slightly, and will go crunchy upon further cook-
ing.Topreventthis,andtoaddadditionalflavour and naughtiness,
sprinklesomegratedcheeseontopbeforeplacingthedishonabakingtrayandslidingbackintotheovenforafurthertenminutes.
Meanwhileprepareamixedsaladontheside,orsimplysome
slicedtomatoesandlayeredbasilwhichiswellseasoned.
19
mirandasmarquis
Sincethiscakeisburstingwithflavour and richness you need
cutonlyslimslicesandsothecakecatersforlotsofhungrymouths.
Therecipeisfairlybasic,consideringtheluxuriousvisionandtaste
itproduces.Thematchstickmintsarenotwhollynecessary,and
thoughanextracost,theyaddacrispandcomplimentaryedge;the
meltedchocolateisalsoagoodtouch,butagain,notapriority-itis
avisualflourish rather than a taste-necessity!
500g belgianplainchocolate
(thesainsburysvarietybeingthebest)
125g butter
30g castersugar(finer than the granulated variety)
4 eggs
1tbs plainflour
3/4 boxofmintchocolateMatchsticks
1 smallpacketofwhiteNestlebuttons
Lineaspringformtinwithnon-stickbakingpaperandheatthe
oventoGasMark8.Meltthechocolate,halfofthebutterandhalfofthesugarinaglassbowloverapanofsimmeringwater.
Inaseparatebowlbeattheeggsandleftoversugaruntilthe
colourbecomespaler.Nowslowlywhiskintheflour. To this batter
youshouldaddtheslightlycooledchocolatemixtureandwhiskvery
gentlyuntilthemixtureiscombined.Breakthechocolatemintswith
aknifeandrunthroughthemixture.Pourthisirresistiblemixture
intoyourpreparedtinandbakeintheovenforonly12minutesand
nomore!(Itwillstillwigglealittle).
Runaknifebetweenthecakeandthetinafterithasbeen
cookedandthenquicklyputthetinandcakeintothefreezerfor
atleasttwohours.Ifyouleavethecakeinforamoresubstantial
amountoftime,allowthecaketodefrostforanhourbeforeserving.
Nearingservingtime,meltthewhitechocolateinabowlandthen
runaforkthroughit.Patternthecakebyshakingthecoveredfork
overthetopofthemarquis,andrepeatinguntilthedesiredeffectis
createdinanyfashionyouwish!Putthecakeintoafridgetoharden
thenewlyappliedchocolate(twentyminutesshouldbeenough).
Thecakeserveswellwithfruit,yoghurt,icecreamorsimplyon
itsown!
mmm...
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seagulls, sardiW
henEricCantonautteredhisfamousaphorismwhenthe
seagullsfollowthetrawler,itsbecausetheythinksardines
willbethrownintotheseaitwasmetbyconfusionfromthe
assembledpress,andisoftenseenaslittlemorethanidlewordplay
fromanenigmaticFrenchman.
Intendedasaverbalswipeattherapaciousmediapack(Eric=
thetrawler,thepress=theseagulls)itis,also,aperfectmetaphorfor
theworldof football.Considerjusttwoofthesportsnumerousex-
amplesofextravagantandprofligate waste: the transfer of Brazilian
defenderRafaelScheidtfromGremiotoCelticfor4.8min1999,and
StanCollymores7mmovetoVillafromLiverpoolin1997.
TheunfortunatelynamedBrazilianhadbeenboughtbyCeltics
newlyappointeddreamteamofJohnBarnesandKennyDalgliesh
onthebasisofhistwocapsforBrazil,andsomevideofootage.Hemadeatotalofthreeappearancesfortheclubbecause,asone
teammateput it, hecouldnaetrapa bag ofcement- sittingout
mostofhisfouryearcontractonloaninhishomeland;beforeleav-
ingfornothing.Itisunclearexactlywhereallthesardinesendedup,
butrumoursaboundedthatthegoodshipCeltichadbeenthelosers
ina Latinscam:agents givingbackhandersto the rightpeoplein
theBrazilianfootballinghierarchysothatplayerswouldgetcapsin
meaninglessinternationalfriendlies,enablingthemtolandinflated,
bigmoneymovesabroad.
IntheCollymoreexample,he,asapposedtotheclub,playsthe
roleof thetrawler.Villaobviouslythought thattheirpursuitofMr.
flatter-to-deceive would reap rewards, but he ploughed onwards on
hiscourseofperpetualdisappointment,beingsoldtoLeicestertwo
yearslaterfor500,000afterapaltry7goalsin45leagueappear-
ances.
TheseexamplesofimproprietywouldnodoubtmakeBillShankly
turninhisgrave.Itwashe,afterall,whosaidofthebeautifulgame,
traintherightway.Helpeachother.Itsaformofsocialismwithout
thepolitics.ShanklyandCantonamaysharesomecommonground;
thelattersallegoryscornstheexploitative,parasiticaspectsof the
moderngame,onecanwellimagineShanklynoddinginagreement.
Theparallelscontinue.
Thoseplayerswhogetlostinthewakeoffootball,whetherdue
tochoice,injury,age,orincompetence,eithersink intoanonymity
orfind the attention of another flock. Some of the more interesting
casesincludeEastFifesHenryMcleishwhowentonto lead theLabourPartytopowerinScotland.Also,theacidtonguedGordon
RamseystartedhisprofessionallifeonthebooksofRangers;and
JulioIglesias,famously,wasagoalkeeperatRealMadrid.Whether
hetookastepupordownafterleavingtheBernabauisamatterfor
debate.
Butmostpeculiarofallistheunlikelytaleoftheex-Southampton
playerCBFrywho,in1920,wasofferedthethroneofAlbania.Fry,
whohadalsocarvedoutacareerasanovelist,journalistandgeneral
friendofthepoliticalleft,onlyturneddowntheofferbecausehedidntfeel thathehadenoughmoneyforsucha regalappointment.He
wasofferedtheroleasaresultofpost-GreatWarEuropeanpolitics,
andhisdecisiontonotstepintosuchacauldronwasasensibleone.
Thattroubledregioncontinuedtoliveuptoitsnamewhen,in1928,
thecountrysformerPrimeMinisterseizedpowerandwascrowned,
wouldyoubelieve,KingZogI.
TherecentlycrownedkingofStamfordBridge,JoseMourinho,
hashisownmetaphorforthetrialsofthegametorivalCantonas
cuttingimage.Whenaskedhowhismanicuredathletesshouldcope
withhisrotationpolicy,hereplieditsallaboutLove.Ifyourenotin
lovewithyourwife,yougetdivorced.Ifyourenotinlovewithyour
kids,youarenotahumanbeing.Youshouldkillyourself.Ifyourenot
inlovewithyourjob,leave.
So,whetheryoufit the role of a trawler, a sardine, a seagull, or
subscribeto Mourinhosamorousphilosophy,youmaywell agree
withanotherfootballingpoet,SirAlexFerguson,whoprettymuch
summeditallupwhenheutteredtheeternallines:Football.Bloody
Hell.
johndonaldson
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es and love
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1. In Roald Dahls Charlie and the Chocolate. In Roald Dahls Charlie and the ChocolateFactory, a girl who is spoilt by her parentsFactory, a girl who is spoilt by her parents
Wharton, describing the frustrated love ofWharton, describing the frustrated love ofa New York lawyer for the separated wifea New York lawyer for the separated wife10. --- McEwan: Booker-prize winning author0. --- McEwan: Booker-prize winning author
16. A state of exalted delight, joy, rapture (7)6. A state of exalted delight, joy, rapture (7)18. See 13 Down
1. Evelyn Waugh novel adapted for the film. Evelyn Waugh novel adapted for the film
which has a pointed muzzle, long-tail andwhich has a pointed muzzle, long-tail and
Franciscans, born in 1182 and canonisedFranciscans, born in 1182 and canonised6. According to Milton, the capital of hell (11). According to Milton, the capital of hell (11)9. Tragedy by Sophocles which centres on. Tragedy by Sophocles which centres onthe doomed daughter of Oedipus by his
The ---- -/--/---/-----------: One seventh ofThe ---- -/--/---/-----------: One seventh ofall that happens when Edmund and Lucyall that happens when Edmund and Lucymouse (6,2,3,11)mouse (6,2,3,11)14.4. an expression of disgustn expression of disgust oming rare)ming rare)
22
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gum2005/6
editor: emilyhill
deputyeditor: mirandagulland
fashioneditor: jennymunro
foodeditor: mirandagulland
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tobymills,forgettingthegumweb
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paulinehillforhelpattheeleventhhour
(again)&,mostespecially,kristina
gostevskayaforadviceondesignand
savingthesummer...
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