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CHORUS

Mortimer Mortimer and Nelly Fail were to be wed at the Fail Clock Works Est. 1900: Closed On

the corner of Lumber and Love,

But not before Mortimer Mortimer had met and gained approval from every living Fail. Ofcourse, he’d met Nelly’s older sister, Gerty.

Approval there was pending.

But the rest of the Fail Family,

Sprightly Jenny June,

Somber John N.

And his collection of zoological friends, Remained to be won over.

JOHN N.

There comes a time

In the life of many creatures

When the pain of living becomes something closer to dying.

It’s at times like these, when the only humane course of action is euthanasia.

CHORUS

John N. was never what you might call A “People Person.”

JOHN N.

First. Approach the animal, looking him straight in the eyes.

CHORUS

He’d never been at all at ease with most members of the human race.

JOHN N.

If the animal is a canine, approach from beneath the muzzle, do not show your teeth, but do

maintain eye contact.

CHORUS

Often silent in the company of others,

If John N. harbored any gay or entertaining thoughts, He played the gentleman and kept them to

himself.

JOHN N.

Gently administer the sedative.

[He unscrews a flask and offers it to the dog.] Pal?

CHORUS

But with animals,

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JOHN N.

How you feeling, Pal?

CHORUS

He was a natural.

DOG

Not good, Johnny. I got the shakes and the aches, the itches and the twitches. The only thing I

ain’t got now is a prayer.

JOHN N. Don’t say that.

DOG

Level with me, Johnny. It’s bad, ain’t it?

JOHN N.

I’m sorry, Pal.

Do your best to calm the patient. If you know he appreciates a nice scratch behind the ear, now’s

the time to do it. You want your friend—the patient – to be calm. Do this for as long as either of

you needs.

DOG

What’re you gonna tell the others? The birds? And the snake? You gonna tell ‘em I went to go

live on a farm?

JOHN N.

You? They’d never believe it.

DOG

You got that right. Ha ha h— cough cough cough. Oh boy oh boy, this is ruff.

JOHN N.

While putting the patient at ease, ready a syringe loaded with a complimentary antiarhythmetic

agent. Take care you’ve diverted the patient’s attention away from the injection site.

Can you ever forgive me, Pal?

DOGLook at me, Johnny. Look me in the eyes.

You know and I know

Just because something ends, that don’t mean it wasn’t a great success. Now do it.

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JOHN N.

So long, old friend.

Give those cats in heaven hell.

[John N. administers the poison, and Dog goes to sleep.]

CHORUS

As Mortimer Mortimer took the stairs,

He was transported out of the rigid, mechanical realm of the downstairs shoproom Into the

freewheeling indoor Eden of the upstairs livingroom.

Birds took baths and women swam in the air

While overgrown dinosaur snakes sat reading the morning paper

And sipping up coffee.

MOSES Ssssslurp.

[Mae and December, two feral monk parakeets, sit on their perches in the corner. Moses, the ball python is curled up in an easy chair flipping through the Chicago Sun Times with her tail.]

DECEMBER Hello.

MAE Yes?

[The birds notice Mortimer. The animals freeze and stare.]

MORTIMER MORTIMER Um.

Hello.

DECEMBER

HE-LLO!

MORTIMER MORTIMER May I, uh, may I come in?

MAE Y es!

MORTIMER MORTIMER

I, uh, gee, I guess I’m here to meet the Fail Family. Are they at home?

MAE Yes.

MORTIMER MORTIMER

Okey Dokey.

It’s, uh, it’s a nice day outside. Spring is on its way. A little unexpected after such a heavy

snowfall this— What am I doing, I’m talking to a bird.

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JOHN N. [Enters, dragging a bag with a dead dog in it.] Who are you?

MORTIMER MORTIMER Hi!

DECEMBER Hello Hello!

MORTIMER

You must be John N.

I was just having a little palaver with your parrot.

JOHN N.

She is not a parrot.

She is a feral monk parakeet.

MORTIMER MORTIMER

Well, like I always say, why have one parrot when you can have a pair a keet?

MOSES

Hiss.

MORTIMER MORTIMER

I’m Mortimer. Mortimer.

JOHN N.

Do you like animals?

MORTIMER MORTIMER

I like horses.

Especially when I pick the right one.

JOHN N.

Excuse me. I have to send an old friend down the river. [He exits, dragging the body bag.]

MORTIMER MORTIMER

Right-o.

[To the birds.] You’re more talkative than he is.

MORTIMER MORTIMER Hi.

DECEMBER

Hello hello. Hi Hi Hi Hi.

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(Jenny June enters swimming on a desk chair)

JENNY JUNE

I don’t know you.

MORTIMER MORTIMER I’m Mortimer. Mortimer. Mortimer Mortimer.

JENNY JUNE

Morty, you’re standing in my river.

MORTIMER MORTIMER

I Am?

JENNY JUNE

John N. is helping me train.

He’s teaching me to behave like a fish. This here is what they call the “Australian Crawl.”

But I’ve never been to Australia. So, I call it the “Chicago Creep.” How do you like that ?

MORTIMER MORTIMER

Is it always done on a desk chair?

JENNY JUNE

Do you want something, Mr.?

MORTIMER MORTIMER

Yes. I want to marry your sister, Nelly.

JENNY JUNE

I betcha do. Well, I don’t know whatcha need me for. Nelly can marry whoever she takes a mind

to.

MORTIMER MORTIMER

I, I guess I was thinking I might need your blessing.

JENNY JUNE

Of course you need my blessing! Do you have any idea who I am?

MORTIMER MORTIMER You’re Jenny June Fa—

JENNY JUNE

I’m Jenny June Fail!

I’m surprised you ain’t heard a me. I’m famous, you know?

MORTIMER MORTIMER I didn’t know.

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JENNY JUNE

You, sir, are having a one-on-one with Illinois’s very first female competitive lake swimmer.

How do you like that ?

MORTIMER MORTIMER

Competitive Lake Swimming? Who usually wins, you or the lake?

MOSES Hiss.

[John N. re-enters, without the bag.]

JENNY JUNE

There you are. Did you let this masher up here? He waltzes in, terrorizes the animals, interrupts

my swim practice, and on top all that, now he wants to marry our sister. Whadya got to say about

that?

JOHN N. Alright.

JENNY JUNE Alright?!?

JOHN N. Alright.

MORTIMER MORTIMER Alright!

JENNY JUNE

John N. Fail! How can you say that? You don’t even know the fella! He could be an absolute

cad!

JOHN N.

He could also be wonderful.

MORTIMER MORTIMER Yeah!

JENNY JUNE

It doesn’t matter whether he’s wonderful or not. That isn’t the point!

JOHN N.

I think if a male of the species desires a mate of the same species, and if that mate is so inclined,what business is it of any other creature?

MORTIMER MORTIMER Well put.

JENNY JUNE

And that’s all you have to say about it, huh?

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JOHN N.

Y es.

Moses, come.

[He and Moses exit.]

JENNY JUNEWell.

This calls for a drink.

Flip that record over. I like the other side for dancing.

MORTIMER MORTIMER Dancing?

JENNY JUNE

Yes. I take my membership in the Women’s Temperance League very seriously. Which is why I

only drink when I’m dancing.

You like Whiskey? Of course you do. Don’t run away.

[She mounts her swivel chair and “swims” off.]

MORTIMER MORTIMER

Make it a double?

[Looking around. Flips the record.]

MORTIMER MORTIMER

Why, Miss Parakeet, care for a turn around the floor?

MAE YES!

DECEMBER HELLO!

MORTIMER MORTIMER I’ll bring her right back to ya.

[Mortimer dances with the stand-up bird cage as if it’s his dance partner, while December

squawks. When Mortimer “dips” the cage, the door unlatches, and Mae instinctively flies out.]

MORTIMER MORTIMER Great George!!!

[He runs around the room trying to catch a flabbergasted Mae, but she flies out the open window

before he can catch her. December is crest fallen. Mortimer looks to December, no idea what tosay.]

DECEMBER Hello?

[A noise from off, someone’s coming. He quickly stands in front of Mae’s empty cage. The rest of

the scene for Mortimer becomes about not letting anyone see that Mae is gone.]

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CHORUS

Mortimer Mortimer was set for the wedding of a lifetime.

On the morning of the ceremony, not a single wild flower could be found along the river bank.

Jenny June Fail had plucked them all and transformed the shoproom of

The “Fail Clock Works Est. 1900: Closed”

Into a cathedral of blue violets and trumpet creeper.

Her brother, John N. Fail,

Still mourning the unexplained disappearance of his dear friend, Mae the Monk Parakeet,

Begrudgingly agreed to keep all budgerigars upstairs for the ceremony.

Their sister, Gerty Fail, had busied herself retooling their mother’s wedding dress, Taking it in

and up, and fitting it just right for the first of the Fail sisters to walk Down the aisle.

NELL Y

Nelly Fail would like to point out

The year was 1928, and the dress was over twenty years old.

The tradition of wearing white on your wedding day had not yet become the fashion, Lest

anyone make “assumptions.”

CHORUS

Early on the morning of the ceremony,

Nelly Fail ran to South Water Street in Marietta’s wedding dress,

To the place where her mother and father

Had fallen backward into the river

In a Brand new DeSoto Town Car Some thirteen years back.

She knew she ought to be at home helping her sisters ready the shop,

But she needed one final blessing before entering into the happiness that would Define the rest of

her life.

NELL Y

Oh, Mother, oh Father.

I don’t know if you can hear me,

But if you can, I want you to know that it’s a beautiful day in Chicago.

CHORUS

Indeed it was.

The morning sky was powdered blue.

The river ran still and soundless.

Nary a car nor a pedestrian troubled the street.

So nobody noticed

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The bright green Parakeet streak across the sky

And perch on the bust of Dr. Ian K. Bonner,

Father of Illinoisan Psychiatry,

The same bust which had been upset—but not dislodged—by the crashing of a brand new

DeSoto Town Car into the Old Chicago Board of Trade

Some thirteen years back,

The same bust which had been slowly loosing itself from the building’s façade ever since,

And the same bust which, bearing the unexpected weight of the nonindigenous bird, Finally leapt

from its own perch

And began its downward plunge into the nearly vacant street below.

NELL Y

I want you to know That I am happy. And I am loved.

CHORUS

And that’s when the bust of Dr. Ian K. Bonner, Father of Illinoisan Psychiatry,

Knocked Nelly Fail on the head,

Over the banister and into the tranquil river below. As with so many things in life

--death, love, moving vehicles –

She never saw it coming.

MAE

Yes yes yes!

CHORUS

Gerty was the first of the Fails to learn the terrible news, Followed soonafter by her siblings,

Jenny June and John N. Fail,

In that order.

Reactions to the news were

Shock, Disbelief, and Anger. Also in that order.

Mortimer Mortimer,

Arrived at the shop

At Lumber and Love

With a skip in his step,

And no idea that he was no longer a groom.

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