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7/30/2019 Cool Jokes

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Further to women who think!!!

An old man and woman were married for many years and they grew to hate each

other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the

night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and

come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbors feared him. They

believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that

took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.. To everyone's relief, he died of a

heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the

local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he mayindeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you

for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'

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2/31

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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Bindaas Jokes CID style!!!

(1) Apni mehenat ka pasina is tarah se na pochooo.

Waha wah.!!!

Apni mehenat ka pasina is tarah se na pochooo.

Waha wah.!!!

A.C.P. Pradyuman ne kaha "Socho Daya Sochoo."

(2) Teen tarah ke log hote hai..

Human........

Super Human........

And

Aur kya?

Apna ACP Pradhuman J J


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(3) Hum tumhare pyaar me jaan bhi de denge

Hum tumhare pyaar me jaan bhi de denge

Aur

Aur

Aur

Doctor Salunke Murde se bhi sach ugalawa lenge.

(4) 5 rupaye ka ek samosa, 10 rupaye ke do.

Gaur farmaiye.

5 rupaye ka ek samosa, 10 rupaye ke do.

Abhijeet kuch to gadbad hai, Daya darwaza tod do..

(5) English me gaay ko kahete hai cow.....


4/31

English me gaay ko kahete hai cow.....

Kuch to baat hai DAYA, pata lagao!!!!!

(6) bakwaas ki baaton main waqt zaaya mat karo...

bakwaas ki baaton main waqt zaaya mat karo...

Daya, Abhijeet...Poori jagah ko achchi tarah search karo...

(7) yeh hasin waadiyaan , yeh khula khula aakash

yeh hasin waadiyaan , yeh khula khula aakash

Wah Wah ......

"Daya aakhir gayi kaha Yahan thi Laaaash... !! "

(8) Na bandook se maro..na bomb se maro.


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Waah waah.

Na bandook se maro..na bomb se maro.

ACP Pradyuman bole,chappa chappa chan maro..

(9) Patni upwas rakhati hai jab hota hai karva chauth

Wah wah

Patni upwas rakhati hai jab hota hai karva chauth

ACP Pradyuman keheta hai tume hogi ""SAZAYEE MAUT""...



God loves the way you are!!!

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Coolest doubt in Mahabharata


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In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharat katha to

class 6 students.

He is at the krishnajanma' part of it.

Masterji: "Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him.

He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars. First son is

born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is born n kansa throws him off

the mountain peak. Third one is born." Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts

up his hand.

Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)

Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in Mahabharata then how

come u have one?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill him,

WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL?

Masterji fainted...???




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7/31

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Monday, October 12, 2009

Two-Line Rhyme With The Most Romantic First Line, But The Least Romantic Second

Line

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,

Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.

I thought that I could love no other --

that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so isyour head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;


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But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts tequila, one part lime !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



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9/31

Guy's perspective About Their Wives

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face

each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one,

you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -

Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a

woman want? - Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - SigmundFreud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a

restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' - Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's

called marriage.' - Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one

didn't.' - James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:

Whenever you're wrong, admit it

Whenever you're right, shut up. - Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years Then we met. - Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a

hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' - Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' - Anonymous


10/31




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Thursday, October 1, 2009

Kalam meeting Bush and the US Story

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround

himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam. "Allow me to

demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says,

"Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your

father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"


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"Correct.. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs up and says," Did you

get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President.. Thanks a lot.

I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to

the test.

Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you cananswer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child,

and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush

agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the

question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer... Finally, in

desperation, Rice calls

Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is

not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"


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Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, andexclaims,

"I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong,

it's Manmohan Singh!"

The above story is a widely distributed piece of conversation taking the rounds on

the internet and is hilarious. Enjoy!!!

A lady in a faded grey dress and her husband, dressed in a home-spun suit walkedin timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer

office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had

no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Harvard.

"We want to see the President "the ma n said softly.

"He'll be busy all day "the secretary snapped.

"We'll wait" the lady replied.

For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become

discouraged and go away. They didn't and the secretary grew frustrated and finally

decided to disturb the president.. "Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll

leave" she said to him. The President, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward

the couple.


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The lady told him "We had a son who attended Harvard for one y ear. He loved

Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My

husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus." The

president wasn't touched....He was shocked. "Madam "he said, gruffly, " we can'tput up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this

place would look like a cemetery."

"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly" We don't want to erect a statue. We thought

we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes. He

glanced at the gingham dress and

homespun suit, and then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how

much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical

buildings here at Harvard."

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get

rid of them now. The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs

to start a university ? Why don't we just start our own?"

Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and

bewilderment. Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to

Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name:

Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

The above story is an urban legend which is widely circulated on the Internet. To

read the true story visit the Stanford University webpage.


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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________


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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten

years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'


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MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

____________________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, butalso admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your

brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

____________________________________________


17/31

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are

no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things

people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court

reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually

taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?


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WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year- old, how old is he?


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WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Is this a trick question?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!

_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.


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ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I

get a new attorney?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.


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ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice

which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like torephrase that?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

________________________________________________


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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on

him!

________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the

autopsy?


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WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Wife's Letter:

Dear hubby,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.. I've been a good

woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have

been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked

your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress. You ate in 2 minutes,& went straight to sleep after watching all of your games. You don't tell me you love

me anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either

you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm

gone.


24/31

Your EX-Wife

P.S. don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West Virginia

together! Have a great life!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband's reply:

Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a far cry

from what you've been. I watch my games so much because they drown out your

constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a

hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a

boy!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something

nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have

gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk dress: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag

was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed

$50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for

10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got

home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter

you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.


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So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born as

Carla(woman).........I hope that's not a problem

Rahul's Dad brought home a robot one day.

The robot had the ability to detect lies and would slap the person who lied

Rahul returned late from school.

Dad asked, Son why are you late from school?

Dad, we had extra classes today.

Robot slapped Rahul on his face.

Dad shouted, "Come on tell me the truth, why are you late?"


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Dad, I went to see the movie Ten Commandments.

Robot slapped Rahul on his face.

Sorry dad, I went to see the movie "Chameli Ki Jawaani".

"Shame on you son, when I was your age, I never watched obscene movies or

misbehaved."

Immediately, Dad gets a slap on the face from the robot.

Rahul's mom comes walking out of the kitchen and says to her husband, "After all,

he's your son!"

The robot slaps the mom.


Friday, September 18, 2009

International literacy day - Indian style


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Diwali explained by Indian born in Canada...

A young second generation Indian in the Canada was asked by his mother toexplain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about

it...

So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his

step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like,

send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something.... Since he

was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so..... he decided to get

his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together. But

Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...they had monkeys and devil sand shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it

was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita)

and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman,

pissed... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So,

Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained

the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok...

So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood....

Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda

boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride

back home.... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are

back home...they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice...

and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them

out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit... and since they also had

some lamps, they lit the lamps also....so it was pretty cooool... you know with all

those fireworks.... Really, they even had some local band play along with thefireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., thatwas

the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but

just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival

started."


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The mother fainted...


Friday, September 4, 2009

Lawyer Jokes

1. A professor of Contract Law ask one of his student,

""If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?""

The student replied, ""Here is an orange.""

The professor was outraged. ""No! No! Think like a lawyer!""

Finally the professor replied, ""Okay, I tell you.

""I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights,

title, claim and advantages of and in, a fruit, popularly known as orange, together

with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power

to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and

without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, notwithstanding anything contained herein

before or hereinafter or in any other deed, deeds or instruments of whatever nature

or kind to the contrary.""

***

2. A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was

the oldest. The surgeon announced, "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam


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to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession"

The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from

chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of

engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine"

The lawyer smirked, and said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"

***

3. A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a

sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain

store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

""How much does it cost for engineer brain?""

""Three dollars an ounce.""

""How much does it cost for programmer brain?""

""Four dollars an ounce.""

""How much for lawyer brain?""

""$1,000 an ounce.""

""Why is lawyer brain so much more?""

""Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?""


30/31

***

4. A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop andsteals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, ""if a dog running

unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand

payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"" The lawyer answers, ""Absolutely.""

""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.""

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher,

having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a

consultation.

***

5. Said a lady to her friend, ""When we got our divorce we divided everything we

had equally between us. Two children stayed with me, two went to my ex-

husband.""

""What happened to the property?"" asked the friend.

""That was shared equally between his lawyer and mine.""

***

6. A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see

walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along

the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud ""THUMP"" and

then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving

along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled


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the truck over. He asked the priest, ""Where are you going, Father?"" ""I'm going to

the church 5 miles down the road,"" replied the priest. ""No problem, Father! I'll

give you a lift. Climb in the truck."" The happy priest climbed into the passenger

seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a

lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he

remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute heswerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was

certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud ""THUD"". Not understanding

where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see

anything, he turned to the priest and said, ""I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that

lawyer."" ""That's okay"", replied the priest. ""I got him with the door!""