Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?A: Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the Big Inning
Eve stole first
Adam stole secondCain struck out Abel
The Prodigal Son made a home run
The Giants and the Angels were rained
outBrother Noah gave out checks for the rain
Rebecca went to the well with the pitcher
Gideon rattled the pitcher
David put Goliath out
Q: What is one of the first thing that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A: They really raised Cain.
Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q: The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A: They used floodlights.
Q: After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?A: 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.
Q: Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
A: When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.
Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?A: The thought had never entered his head before?
Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A: No, he already fell for it once.
Q: Why won't we drink milk in the new world?
A: Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction.
Q: Why shouldn't Christians watch TV?
A: At the transfiguration, Jesus said, "Tell the vision to no one."
Q: Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.
Q: How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A: Because Job16:12, 14, 16 says, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."
Q: What sport did Moses play?
A: Tennis or basketball because we know that Moses played in Pharoah's courts.
A couple are embroiled in an argument about who should make the morning coffee. "You wake up first," the husband says to his wife, "so you should make the coffee.“
"But the Bible ordains that the husband should make the coffee," his wife retorts.
"Where does it say that?" the husband demands.
"Right here," the wife says, opening a Bible. "Look, it says 'Hebrews.'"
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."
Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?A. Because they were using
"fowl" language.
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" His mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
George W. Bush, the president of the United States, was in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
Excited, George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
Mr. Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am."
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!"
Q: Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'? A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
A small child was sitting in her mother's lap and they were looking at a magazine together. When they came across a picture of Jesus, her mother asked, "Do you know who that is?"
"Yes," the young child said matter-of-factly, "He goes to our church."
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?“ A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?“
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A pastor decides to visit some of his flock on a Saturday afternoon. He knocks at a door. Her thinks he hears someone inside but no one comes to the door. The pastor takes out a business card and writes on it Rev 3:20 which says, "I stand at the door and knock if you but open the door I will come in and eat with you and you with me." On Sunday his card appears in the collection plate on it is written Gen 3:10 that says, " I heard your voice from the garden but I was afraid I was naked and I hid myself."
A 7-year old boy proudly tells his father: "I finally know what the Bible means!"
Surprised the father replied: "What do you mean, you "know" what the Bible means? What does it mean?"
"That's easy, dad.......It stands for Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth."