An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life
By: Travis Haan
Table of Contents
Introduction
Life
Growing up
Philosophy
Religion
Free Will
The Chicken and the Egg
Introduction
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life is a collection of 6 short film scripts. These scripts are
based on a comic book by the same name. The comics originally appeared on the Wise Sloth
Website, and were later compiled into an E-book. You can find links to the comics and E-book
below:
An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Life
An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Growing Up
An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Religion
An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Philosophy
An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Free Will
An Old Man From Jersey Explains: The Chicken and the Egg
An Old Man From Jersey Explains Life Collection
As the comics show, each episode has only one setting: the front porch of an apartment building,
and there are only two characters: an old man and a young boy. Each episode involves the old
man explaining complicated and practical philosophies to the young boy. These films can be
produced with very little money.
These scripts are creative common license. Feel free to act them out in front of a live audience or
film them. You don’t need to pay the original author any royalties, but attribution is appreciated.
An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Life
KID
Hey Mister!
OLD MAN
What do you want, Kid?
KID
Can you explain life to me?
OLD MAN
Where do you want me to start from?
KID
From the beginning.
OLD MAN
Okay, now look. If I offered you 100 billion dollars to do it, and I promised to kill your whole
family if you didn’t then would you do it?
KID
Um, yeah.
OLD MAN
That’s right. You wouldn’t even have to think about it or work up the motivation because there
would be no choice There’d just be one path in front of you.
KID
The heck does this have to do with life?
OLD MAN
If you don’t understand how important life is or why then you won’t have the appropriate
motivation to take life as seriously as you should. Then you won’t put the appropriate amount of
effort into living, but if you truly, truly understood the value of life then you wouldn’t have to
debate with yourself or work up the strength to sacrifice any of the relative temptations of the
world to pursue life’s highest purpose. Your motivation would be so strong there’d only be one
choice, one path before you. So the first lesson you need to learn about life is how valuable it is
and why.
KID
Cool beans. So how valuable is life?
OLD MAN
How old are you, kid?
KID
I’m ten and a half years old going on eleven.
OLD MAN
No you’re not. You’re closer to 14 billion years old. All the stuff in your body was there at the
Big Bang. Galaxies rose and fell around you as you floated to a place where the atoms in your
body could finally come together in a way that makes you, you.
KID
So you’re saying I was meant to be here since the beginning of time?
OLD MAN
…that or you’re infinitely lucky to be here.
KID
So I’m either destined or lucky to come all this way just to die!? What’s the point of existing for
a second if I’m not going to exist forever? Doesn’t the brevity of life make life pointless?
OLD MAN
The finite amount of time you get to live here is infinitely valuable because of its scarcity alone.
You asked me how valuable life is. Well, here’s my answer. It’s infinitely valuable.
KID
Gosh, that’s a burden of responsibility bordering on a guilt trip.
OLD MAN
…ironic that it’s coming from an indifferent universe. Anyway, given that every second of your
short, irreplaceable life is infinitely valuable, that makes the following question infinitely
important: What’s the most important thing you can do with your life?
KID
I don’t know how to read a clock much less answer that question.
OLD MAN
Then find someone who knows the meaning of life and ask them.
KID
Who knows the meaning of life?
OLD MAN
Nobody.
KID
In all of human history?
OLD MAN
Nobody. Ever. Anywhwere. Did you get an instruction book to life when you were born that
explained everything? No, well, nobody else did either. Nobody has any idea what’s going on.
There are no experts, no authorities, no grown ups.
KID
My mom knows the answer to any question I ask her. And if she didn’t know what’s right and
wrong then how could she spank me for doing wrong?
OLD MAN
We might get taller, and we might memorize a lot of facts, but philosophically we’re al stuck at 5
years old guessing at life and faking our maturity level until we start believing whatever it is
we’re doing is what humans are supposed to be doing.
KID
So…you’re saying you’re not the person to ask about the meaning of life?
OLD MAN
Ask as many people as many questions as you can, but never take anything for granted, because
you’re fate is your responsibility. It’s up to you to figure out the meaning of life.
KID
But you just said nobody ever figured it out.
OLD MAN
…sucks, don’t it?
KID
So that’s life? You’re born lost. The End. Hope it don’t suck to be you.
OLD MAN
You watch too much anime. So what if we don’t know why we’re here? The point is we’re still
here. We still gotta do something. Since we don’t have anything more important to do than figure
out what we’re supposed to be doing then we may as well spend our lives figuring that out.
KID
But if we can’t figure out why we’re here then how do we figure out what to do now that we’re
here?
OLD MAN
There are things we can know about ourselves and the universe we’ve found ourselves stranded
in. The more of those things we know the better we can live. We might not be able to prove we
lived ight according to the ultimate maxim, but we can do something good with what we’ve got,
and that which a man can do he should do.
KID
Sounds good. So where do I start my education?
OLD MAN
You can’t understand how a car works until you understand the parts that make up a car. Same
thing with life. And what’s life then? Life is being a walking, talking, breathing, thinking
creature stranded in this great, big, beautiful, lonely, indifferent universe.
KID
So I should become a mechanic? Got it.
OLD MAN
If you want to understand life then you gotta understand the universe that gave birth to you and
that you live in. Learn all the science you can, because that’ll teach you the facts that everything
else is built on.
KID
So once I become a super scientist then where do I point my telescope to start studying the
meaning of life?
OLD MAN
That grass you're standing on is alive. Why don't you just ask it?
KID
Hey grass! why are you alive? It didn't answer.
OLD MAN
Did it do anything?
KID
No. It just sat there and grew.
OLD MAN
Well there you go then.
KID
Are you saying the meaning of life is to just sit here and grow?
OLD MAN
I'm just pointing out what life does.
KID
But our lives would be pointless if all we did was just get big, grow old and die like grass.
OLD MAN
So you're saying this grass's life is meaningless?
KID
The life of grass has meaning because it's a part of the food chain.
OLD MAN
...and whatever life form is at the top of the food chain has the most meaningful life, right?
KID
Exactly, but does that mean if more advanced aliens come along it'll make my life worth less?
OLD MAN
But does that mean if more advanced aliens come along it'll make my life worth less?
KID
Okay, I take that back. Life is inherently valuable to each individual life form simply because it's
alive.
OLD MAN
Now that that's settled the grass is still growing into taller grass. What are you growing into?
KID
A taller human?
OLD MAN
That's your body. What about your mind? What about your identity?
KID
I am what I am.
OLD MAN
That's good that you acknowledge you're a product of your environment. Now you need to
acknowledge that you've yet to blossom into a significantly independent identity.
KID
Do they teach how to do that in school?
OLD MAN
I'd suggest enrolling in some online psychology classes.
KID
Now are you saying the meaning of life is to be a psychologist?
OLD MAN
The grass is here to be grass, and you're here to be you. If you have questions about how to be
you then I suggest you talk to the people who study "yous."
KID
That's painfully logical. So who am I supposed to be trying to become while I'm here?
OLD MAN
I suspect the point is that you get to pick.
KID
There's no wrong answer?
OLD MAN
Well, you're the one who is going to have to live with yourself. so You get what you got.
KID
So that's life then?
OLD MAN
...I didn't say to take my word for it.
An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Growing Up
KID
Hey, mister!
OLD MAN
What do you want, kid?
KID
Can you explain how to grow up to me?
OLD MAN
Where do you want me to start from?
KID
From the beginning.
OLD MAN
If you don't define your end goal you can't define the process to achieve it. So the first thing you
have to do is define what a grown up is.
KID
So what's a grown up?
OLD MAN
You're assuming there's really such thing as a grown up. It might just be a term that old people
invented to subjugate young people.
KID
I'm not buying it. There's definitely a difference between me and my mom.
OLD MAN
Well, your mom has learned how to survive in the particular environment she lives in, and she's
taken responsibility for her survival as well as yours. So there's that, but it doesn't necessarily
make her a higher form of life than anyone who made the mistake of being born after her.
KID
So all I have to do to grow up is learn how to survive and take responsibility for my survival? I'm
already learning all that in school. Does that mean all I have to do to grow up is graduate?
OLD MAN
The skills necessary to survive change every day as technological advancements, social, political
and economic evolution change the world we live in. So by your reasoning, if and when the
skills you learned in school become obsolete then you'll regress back to childhood....assuming
you went to a good school and actually learned everything your teachers taught you in the first
place. You would also revert to childhood if you moved to a foreign country where your life
skills aren't applicable.
KID
Is all that really true?
OLD MAN
...only if you choose to define adults and children by mastery of their environment.
KID
But what’s the point of it all if I’m just surviving to grow up and growing up to survive?
OLD MAN
...maybe there's more to life than becoming the prefect product of your environment.
KID
Like what?
OLD MAN
Like becoming yourself.
KID
Why's that important?
OLD MAN
It’s the same for you and me as it is for a flower. You grow to your full potential and bloom, not
because it accomplishes anything else in the world but just for the sake of experiencing the
majesty of existing for its own sake, and since what you experience is defined by who you are
then in order to experience life to its fullest potential you have to become you to your fullest
potential.
KID
So that’s what it means to be a grown up? you have to become you to the fullest extent possible?
OLD MAN
...only if you choose to define adults and children by their level of self actualization.
KID
By that definition are you an adult?
OLD MAN
I’m not dumb enough to claim to be anything but lost, but if you want some good examples of
people I'd consider grown ups then study Leonardo Da Vinci, Socrates, Benjamin Franklin,
Confucius, people like that.
KID
I don’t know all of those people, but the ones I do know were really, really smart. I mean, they
were born smart. I won’t ever be that smart.
OLD MAN
If you put as much effort into studying as you do making excuses and defending where you’re at
y o u c o u l d b e c o m e s m a r t e r t h a n a l l t h o s e p e o p l e p u t t o g e t h e r .
KID
Would you just tell me what I need to study to grow up and become myself like those guys did?
OLD MAN
Just study what those guys studied.
KID
What did they study?
OLD MAN
Everything.
KID
When do I finish my studies?
OLD MAN
Never.
KID
But if I never finish then what's the point?
OLD MAN
Everything you will ever think or do is based on your knowledge. The more you know the more
you are and the more you can do. The less you know the less you are and the less you can do.
KID
But where will all that knowledge get me?
OLD MAN
It'll bring you back to where you started and you'll know where you are. Then you'll have
perspective. With perspective you'll have direction, and with direction your actions will finally
have meaning.
KID
What if I'd rather do something else with my life?
OLD MAN
That's up to you, but how can you define your wants if you haven't defined yourself?
KID
How can I be anyone but myself?
OLD MAN
A seed is not a flower.
KID
What about the wants I have right now? Aren't they valid?
OLD MAN
Sure. Just remember that whatever path you take, you bet your life on.
An Old Man From Jersey Explains: Philosophy
KID
Hey, mister!
OLD MAN
What do you want, kid?
KID
Can you explain philosophy to me?
OLD MAN
Where do you want me to start from?
KID
From the beginning.
OLD MAN
In the beginning humans were just like all the other dumb animals shivering in the cold, unable
to speak or build tools. all we did all day was look for something to eat and someone to fu…aall
in love with. Over generations though our brains grew, and as our brains grew they got better at
thinking. We figured out how to communicate, make tools, devise strategy, form complex
relationships, create art, that kind of stuff.
KID
OMG! What does this have to do with anything?
OLD MAN
You wanted me to start at the beginning. So that's what's happening. Now try to imagine what
life was like for those human beings who were alive just after we learned to talk and write but
before history began. They were completely lost and bewildered by the universe. Nothing made
sense. What’s the sun? What's lightening? How are babies made? Why do we get sick? What
happens after death? They had all these questions with no answers. So people started asking
questions.
KID
So philosophers are people who ask questions?
OLD MAN
Yeah, but that’s oversimplified near the point of being wrong.
KID
What's that supposed to mean?
OLD MAN
So anybody who builds a house is a carpenter, right?
KID
Sounds about right.
OLD MAN
Well, anyone can nail a few boards together and make a roof over their head, but if you did that
you’d end up with a dilapidated shanty that’s going to fall down and kill you in your sleep. It
takes a lot more to be a proper carpenter and make a proper house.
KID
I see where you're going with this. A philosopher is someone who got a P.H.d. in philosophy
and has been published professionally!
OLD MAN
So there weren't any philosophers before humans invented the P.H.D. or the printing press?
KID
How else can you prove you’re a philosopher?
OLD MAN
Are the only real fighters the ones who win sponsored championship fights?
KID
I guess you can make a living as a fighter without being a household name.
OLD MAN
Are the only real fighters the ones who get paid?
KID
So you're saying anyone who seriously devotes their life to asking questions about the nature of
life and the universe is a philosopher?
OLD MAN
Yeah, but don’t you want to hear the rest of the story?
KID
Well, Veggie Tales doesn't start for another hour. So I guess I got time to hear this.
OLD MAN
So back in the day, thousands of years before the invention of the printing press, people had all
these simple questions about the universe like, "why does it rain?" but they didn't know all the
variables in the equation. So they came up with the best answers they could using the variables
they had.
KID
Hold on. Why are we talking about figuring out why rain falls? That's a scientific question, not a
philosophical one.
OLD MAN
You can get a P.H.D. in science. Do you know what P.H.D. stands for?
KID
No.
OLD MAN
It stands for "philosophiae doctor" or "Doctor of philosophy."
KID
Can't you get a p.h.d. in religion? Does that mean anyone who asks religious questions is a
philosopher too?
OLD MAN
I was just getting to that. Before the discovery of the periodic table of elements philosophers
deduced that rain was caused by magic, monsters and invisible sky people.
KID
How does that make religion philosophy?
OLD MAN
...the same way slapping together a children's club house out of junk is carpentry. It wouldn't be
incorrect to say that religion, which is just a more flattering word for mythology, was man's first
attempt at philosophy.
KID
So where did philosophy go from there?
OLD MAN
Back when humans didn't know anything about the universe, any question you asked about
pretty much anything was groundbreaking, and we hadn't divided the body of human knowledge
into categories like astronomy, medicine, geology, microbiology, physics, etc.
KID
So it was all just lumped under theoretical philosophy?
OLD MAN
Exactly, and it was pretty chaotic. Alchemists were trying to turn poop into gold. Barbers
doubled as doctors. Politicians consulted oracles.
KID
What changed?
OLD MAN
Eventually humans started noticing patterns in the universe. The moon, stars and sun moved
predictably. Certain medicines worked on certain ailments. Fortune tellers were recognized as
frauds, and people noticed prayer worked as effectively as random chance. So people developed
a systematic method of analyzing the universe and testing hypotheses for truth.
KID
So philosophy created science. I never thought of it that way before. So if philosophy splintered
into science, math, medicine and all that then what do professional philosophers do these days?
OLD MAN
Nowadays they try to answer the questions that don't fit in any of the boxes the philosophers of
yesteryear compartmentalized the universe into. Some of the questions they ask may not even
have answers.
KID
That doesn't sound very useful.
OLD MAN
Does philosophy have to be useful?
KID
Isn't sitting around congratulating yourself all day for thinking about useless things the same as
mental masturbation?
OLD MAN
I can't disprove that, but the point is moot anyway. Philosophy is useful for lots of things.
KID
Are there any other professions that dogmatically defend their right to be empirically useless
while insisting they're vitally useful?
OLD MAN
...religion?
KID
That reminds me. If theologians study books written by dead prophets to get their P.H.D. in
religion then what do philosophers study to get their P.H.D. in philosophy?
OLD MAN
They study logic...and professionally published books written by dead philosophers who had
P.H.D.s or some equivalent.
KID
How much time do they spend constantly rehashing the same old tired and suspiciously archaic
ideas?
OLD MAN
...all I can say is, some more than others.
KID
Let me come at this from another angle. If I read the whole bible ten times will that make me a
Christian?
OLD MAN
...not in and of itself, no.
KID
What if I get a piece of paper saying I studied all those people?
OLD MAN
Give me $70,000, and I'll give you a piece of paper saying you're the queen of the universe.
KID
So what do I have to do to prove I'm a real philosopher?
OLD MAN
Take a step back. Life isn't about proving you're a philosopher.
KID
So what's life about then?
OLD MAN
For someone who doesn't know why you’re here or what you should be doing now that you’re
here, life is about using what you've got to get life figured out to the best of your ability to live
your life as well as possible and leave the world a better place for future humans to do even
better for themselves in.
KID
Great! Now give me step by step instructions on how to do that.
OLD MAN
If you believe everything I tell you then you'll be a follower. If you put everything you learn to
the test of truth and continue positing your own questions, answering them and challenging them
then you'll be a philosopher.
KID
So which questions should I start with?
OLD MAN
I'd start by asking myself what the most important question I can ask myself is and then work
down from there.
KID
So when do I get to start congratulating myself for asking useless questions and rubbing in other
people's faces how I can quote more archaic books than them?
OLD MAN
You'll have to use your own discretion to balance that between how much time you have in this
life, how much suffering is in the world and how much you care about solving the real world
problems that cause people to suffer.
KID
One last question. If I have the mental capacity to solve real world problems and help people,
does that mean I have an obligation to?
OLD MAN
Good question. You may make a philosopher yet.
An OLD MAN From Jersey Explains: Religion
KID
Hey, mister!
OLD MAN
What do you want, kid?
KID
Can you explain religion to me?
OLD MAN
Which one?
KID
...all of them.
OLD MAN
Well Christians say Hindus worship mythology, and Hindus say Christians worship mythology.
Mormons say Muslims worship mythology, and Muslims say Mormons worship mythology...
KID
Hold the phone. Are you saying all religion is mythology?
OLD MAN
I'm just pointing out that there's a consensus among all the religions...except maybe
Caodaism...that religion is mythology.
KID
But one of them has to be right, look at how many people believe!
OLD MAN
By your reasoning the religion with the most believers must be the true one, but that changes
from time to time.
KID
So what happens if the one true religion changes after you die?
OLD MAN
...my point exactly.
KID
Can't I count on God to lead me to the one true religion?
OLD MAN
That approach will most likely lead you to the religion that has the most social influence in the
area you were raised in.
KID
Isn't there any reliable way to test for truth?
OLD MAN
...the scientific method?
KID
But I read on Facebook that science is evil and unreliable!
OLD MAN
Do you believe water freezes at 32 degrees Fahrenheit? Do you believe light travels at 186,282
miles per second? Do you believe the planets orbit the sun? Do you believe volcanos are caused
by magma bursting through the earth's crust? Do you believe in gravity? Do you believe drinking
Drano will kill you, and do you even know the science behind why drinking drano will kill you?
KID
Yes to all the questions except the last one.
OLD MAN
Believing in science 99% of the time and then contradicting yourself the one time you need a cop
out excuse isn't a valid form of argument. That's a defense mechanism.
KID
Why are you so mean to religious people?
OLD MAN
I just pointed out the obvious. You're the one that shot the messenger, which again, is a defense
mechanism.
KID
So science isn't evil...it's just indifferent, like a neutral, objective third party?
OLD MAN
It has to be since the whole point of science is to study an indifferent universe.
KID
So which religion passes this objective test for truth that we rely on in every other aspect of our
lives?
OLD MAN
Just to be clear, can we rephrase that question to ask which religious book passes the same test
for truth we rely on in every other aspect of our lives?
KID
Do we really need to make that distinction?
OLD MAN
We can fact check words that are written down and hold them accountable. Arguing over what
you personally feel your religion is to you is like arguing with a bipolar ghost with multiple
personality disorders who is in denial.
KID
Okay, drama queen. So which religious book passes the test of scientific inquiry?
OLD MAN
None of them.
KID
So you're saying God isn't real?
OLD MAN
I didn't say that.
KID
So you're saying there is a god, but the one true prophet has yet to transcribe the true word of the
lord through divine inspiration?
OLD MAN
I definitely didn't say that.
KID
Why can't you give me a straight answer?
OLD MAN
...You could ask god the same question.
KID
I pray every night, and God never answers.
OLD MAN
...well there you go.
KID
Does that prove God doesn’t exist?
OLD MAN
Dead dads and deadbeat dads are indistinguishable to orphans.
KID
What if God is like a rich, loving dad who only seems to have abandoned his children when in
reality he let them leave the nest to grow up on their own?
OLD MAN
I'm just curious, do the orphans have to know or believe who their dad is in order to receive their
inheritance? Or will the dad throw them in the gutter if they don't figure out who he is before he
comes to bail them out of the orphanage he stranded them in?
KID
That dad sounds like a douche bag, and the bible says, "A father's love is a love without end,
amen."
OLD MAN
You may be surprised to learn that several self-proclaimed prophets wrote down in some pretty
popular religious books that God is, as you say, a douche bag.
KID
Well, if a self-proclaimed prophet wrote it down then it must be true. I mean, how can we
understand the nature of the universe or the difference between right and wrong without prophets
to teach us our creator's expectations for us?
OLD MAN
...are we still ignoring the fact that there's a consensus among all the prophets that religion is
mythology?
KID
Yes.
OLD MAN
You want rules? Here you go. Rule number one. Don't put your hand on a hot stove.
KID
Did a prophet write that rule down?
OLD MAN
Did we need one to?
KID
We need someone to tell us how to live.
OLD MAN
...spoken like a true victim of battered-person syndrome.
KID
I don’t know what that means, but I stand by my statement.
OLD MAN
Then maybe you should worship the I.R.S. It’s got millions of rules, and they’re constantly being
updated.
KID
The I.R.S. is evil. They take all your money, and their rules don't even make sense half the time.
OLD MAN
...Funny how often that happens when one person gets to tell another person how to live.
KID
The fact remains, I can't be held responsible for deciding how to live.
OLD MAN
...then what's the point of leaving the nest?
KID
...to learn obedience?
OLD MAN
...you mean like a slave?
KID
God gave us the free will to choose to accept or reject him.
OLD MAN
Telling people, "Do what I say or die." doesn't give them free will. It gives them a tyrannical
ultimatum.
KID
Is there anything we can know for sure outside of what the prophets told us?
OLD MAN
...so far water has frozen at 32 degrees Fahrenheit every time I've checked.
KID
Ah Ha! If that's an unchangeable rule then God must have made it!
OLD MAN
...which god was that then?
KID
If a rose is a rose by any other name then so is the force that determines the freezing point of
water.
OLD MAN
...then why name the rose at all?
KID
I need a concrete answer to bring closure to this issue, and you haven't given me any yet.
OLD MAN
...are you talking to me or god?
KID
The point is there has to be more to life than being stranded in an indifferent universe where you
have to figure out everything for yourself and take responsibility for your own conclusions.
OLD MAN
...you say that like it's a bad thing. You seem to be navigating life just fine so far, and you can't
even quote a religious book accurately. Is this really about defending religion?
KID
I'm just scared of death, and I'm projecting my fears the only way my elders taught me to. But
mainly I'm afraid of going to hell. Isn't it better to wager on religion and be wrong than wager
against it and be wrong?
OLD MAN
So which religion do you wager on?
KID
...The one that makes the best promises and the worst threats?
OLD MAN
...and fails the test of science and takes all your money and has a bunch of rules that don't even
make any sense?
KID
But if I strip away all my preconceived beliefs then what am I left with?
OLD MAN
...freedom?
KID
Are you the devil trying to trick me?
OLD MAN
I could ask you the same question, but if you're constantly disagreeing with the people whose job
it is to indifferently, objectively point out the obvious then at some point you might consider the
possibility that the source of the confusion is that you're wrong.
KID
I'm going to have to go home and think about this.
OLD MAN
...funny you were created with the capacity to do that.
An OLD MAN From Jersey Explains: Free Will
KID
Hey, mister!
OLD MAN
What do you want, kid?
KID
Is there such a thing as free will?
OLD MAN
Would it change the way you live if I say yes or no?
KID
I'd feel a lot better if you said yes.
OLD MAN
Then yes, free will exists.
KID
You gotta prove it first.
OLD MAN
Okay, I'm 100% positive that free will does not exist.
KID
But you just said it does exist. What gives?
OLD MAN
The more convinced a person is that they're right the more likely it is that they're wrong. So if
I'm 100% convinced free will does not exist then it probably does.
KID
OMG! How many logical fallacies were in that statement? Give me some hard evidence.
OLD MAN
Suppose I did make an elegant, logical, convincing argument one way or the other. Supposed
you spent the rest of your life trying and failing to disprove my explanation. Suppose I won a
Nobel prize for my theory and had it certified as God's truth by the pope and the Dali Lama.
Would any of that make my theory true?
KID
...close enough anyway.
OLD MAN
Wrong.
KID
You're not going to tell me whether or not free will exists, are you?
OLD MAN
Flip a coin. Heads it does, tails it doesn't. Either way, life goes on.
KID
Well I say free will doesn't exist. Our decisions are the product of the casual nature of our
environment. Our choices only appear to be ours because we can't see all the cosmic dominoes
hitting us in the back, pushing us this way and that.
OLD MAN
You're free to think that if you want.
KID
No I'm not.
OLD MAN
Hmmm. Funny that you just admitted you don't have total knowledge of how the universe
operates yet you've completely convinced yourself that you know how the universe operates. I
wonder what the chances are you're wrong.
KID
I see what you did there, and I don't like it.
OLD MAN
If you'd already made up your mind I don't see why you came and asked me in the first place.
KID
I figured there was a 50/50 chance you'd reinforce my preconceived expectations. Anyway, I'm
still set on the conclusion that free will doesn't exist. So how do I go on living with the weight of
my insignificance ever on my shoulders?
OLD MAN
Do what you were going to do anyway and blame it on fate when you screw up?
KID
Genius!
OLD MAN
Just know that that excuse isn't going to get you out of trouble with your mother for getting home
late tonight.
KID
Curses.
An OLD MAN From Jersey Explains: The Chicken and the Egg
KID
Hey, mister!
OLD MAN
What do you want, KID?
KID
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
OLD MAN
Is the chicken a male or female?
KID
A female, duh. Male chickens don't lay eggs.
OLD MAN
So which came first, the female chicken that laid the egg or the male chicken that impregnated
the female chicken?
KID
There would have to be two more chicken to have them...and two before them...and two before
them.
OLD MAN
You figured it out. There's chickens all the way down.
KID
Well, let's say time only stretches into the future.
OLD MAN
You're assuming time exists.
KID
Seeing as how I have to be home at six, and this is taking longer than I thought, let's assume time
exists. So where did the first two chickens come from?
OLD MAN
...the same place as everything else?
KID
So what existed before everything else?
OLD MAN
...Potential?
KID
What about time? Did that exist before anything else?
OLD MAN
Potentially.
KID
Was the universe born from its own potential?
OLD MAN
Well, if you're going to assume the universe had a beginning, or a birth as you put it, I reckon
you can assume whatever else you want.
KID
How could it not have a beginning?
OLD MAN
You don't want time to have an end, but you expect it to have a beginning?
KID
Which option gives me and the chickens a definite beginning in time and an eternal future?
OLD MAN
The beginning of time is the end of time. The chicken is the egg. Time and space are a loop.
KID
I'll take it.
OLD MAN
Got any more questions?
KID
Well... I had one, but I guess you sorta already answered it.
OLD MAN
Yeah, what was that?
KID
If God created the universe then who created God?
OLD MAN
...assuming there is a god.
KID
I'm going home now.
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