Your Words Matter

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Your words matterSalon | by Jaime Cone

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Neuroscience

Sunday, Jun 3, 2012 3:00 PM UTC

New science shows brains are wired to respond to certain kinds

of speech. An expert explains and talks politics

ByJaime Cone

Topics: Neuroscience

(Credit: Bangkokhappiness via Shutterstock)

Everyones had the experience of leaving a conversation feeling frustrated, convinced

the other person didnt understand a word of what they were saying. Whether its a

bad meeting with a coworker or an argument with a spouse, ineffective or negative

communication may lead to more than just a bad day; new research has shown that it
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can change the neural pathways in our brains and foster long-lasting negativity. On

the other hand, theres evidence to suggest that positive words expressing values such

as kindness and respect can go a long way toward building a better brain.

Thats the central premise ofWords Can Change Your Brain, co-authored by Loyola

Marymount communication professor Mark Robert Waldman and Andrew Newberg,

M.D., director of research at the Myrna Brind Center of Integrative Medicine at

Thomas Jefferson University Hospital and Medical College. Their book argues that

our minds are hardwired to respond favorably to certain types of speech and

negatively to others. Starting in childhood, humans brains are molded by the words

they hear, and they claim that teaching children to use positive words helps them

with emotional control and can even increase their attention spans. Their book

describes compassionate communication, a method they believe can help people

express themselves more effectively, but it also offers a fascinating overview of the

latest science around speech and neuroscience.

Salon spoke with Newberg over the phone about why mimicry creates good will, how

the Mona Lisa won the heart of humanity, and why hope was the magic catchword

of a successful presidential campaign.

ou argue that people need more of something called compassionate

communication. What is that?

Often what happens when people are just talking to each other in their everyday lives

is that they are just talking and talking and no one is really listening. Then when

every once in a while somebody does listen, they have some kind of overreaction to

what someone said or how someone said it; therefore, theres a great deal of

miscommunication going on, and you dont create a sense of intimacy and connection

between you and the other person. Most of the time when people speak to each other,

theyre doing a number of things that ultimately dont lead to good communication.

For one, people are very reactive in the ways that they respond; they hear something

and, even before they realize what theyre hearing, they have emotional responses.

People can get very defensive very quickly, and therefore were not always keeping an

eye on how we are responding to what someone is saying.

ou also recommend that people keep their communication brief. Why

does the human brain respond better to succinct statements?
http://www.amazon.com/Words-Can-Change-Your-Brain/dp/1594630909/saloncom08-20


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Sometimes we speak beyond what someone is able to listen to. What the research

shows is that the human brain can really only hold on to four things at a time, so if

you go on and on for five or 10 minutes trying to argue a point, the person will only

remember a very small part of that. We developed compassionate communication

with the idea of having several goals, and one of them is to speak briefly, meaning

that you speak one or two sentences, maybe 30 seconds worth or so, because thatsreally what the human brain can take in and absorb.

What about facial expressions? The book makes an interesting reference

to the Mona Lisa. You suggest that we can learn something from her

smile.

Whats amazing is that the brain has a lot of structures in it that respond more to our

body gestures and facial expressions than even to the words themselves. Whenever

we look at somebody, there are parts of our brain that reflect those expressions within

ourselves. If we look at somebody whos smiling contentedly, like the Mona Lisa,

inside we feel a sense of contentment, a sense of warmth, a sense of love. Of course, if

you see an angry face, you feel angrier and you recoil inside.

We know that smiling is a very powerful gesture; we were doing a research study

looking at different symbols, and the symbol that was rated with the highest positive

emotional content was the smiley face. The painting of the Mona Lisa is one

particular example of that feeling of calmness. Thats part of why its had such animpact on society, because it just engenders that kind of positive feeling.

Weve all heard that if you want someone to like you, you should mirror

their hand gestures and speech patterns. What have you discovered about

the science behind this phenomenon?

There are actually things called mirror neurons that react to what other people are

doing and saying in our environment. What the studies have shown is that when

people are able to communicate effectively with each other, they create a sense of

neural resonance; their brains start to respond in a very similar way to the feelings

and ideas coming across in the dialogue, and thats very different than when theyre

not connected. A very crucial element built into compassionate communication is

that notion of creating similar kinds of responses to get into almost a ritualistic

cadence with another individual. As you do that, you connect with them, and the


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research suggests that literally its not just a dialogue thats going smoothly, but its

the brains themselves which are connecting with each other. There are things we can

do, like keeping a smile on our face and trying to respond in kind to what theyre

doing and how theyre doing it. Those are all things that help people to feel connected

to you.

In your book you suggest that people should try to make three positive

comments for every negative statement. How does looking on the bright

side help us communicate more effectively?

Well, sometimes theres a problem that needs to be resolved, and whenever theres a

problem, there has to be a negative aspect to it. The idea is to minimize the specific

negativity that goes on in those conversations and to not (focus) on the negative but

to start thinking about how that negative can be turned into something positive.

Theres a lot of evidence to show that negative words and negative emotions are

detrimental to the brain, while positive words and positive emotions are beneficial.

When you get into a dialogue with somebody to discuss any particular issue, a three-

to-one ratio is a relatively good benchmark to think about; you wind up creating the

opportunity for a more constructive dialogue and hopefully a better resolution.

Research has shown that the number of words spoken in the home has a

huge impact on the verbal development of children. You argue that the

positivity (or negativity) of those words also has an impact on thedevelopment of communication skills.

Yes, as children grow, they are establishing fundamental neural connections. When

there are more positive ideas written into the brain, it changes the actual set point in

the brain in terms of how we regulate our emotional responses and how our body

responds. If youre always emotionally [stressed as a child], you become more easily

stressed and more anxious throughout the rest of your life, almost. Those early

childhood years are really essential for trying to create connections in the brain that

foster more compassion, love and forgiveness and less fear and anxiety. What studies

[conducted mostly with] animals but also [with some] humans show is that the more

positive and enriching an environment you have, the more neural connections you

make; the brain itself is just more highly connected and more able to be creative.

When you are placed in an environment that is very deprived and very negative, the

brain makes much fewer connections. In fact, when youre stressed, you release


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something called cortisol, which actually damages the brain, so that actually means

you wont create a brain that is as well developed and interconnected as it could be.

For parents, its important to try to have children raised in an environment that really

fosters a lot of positivity. Now again, you need negative, too; its not to the point of

exclusion of the negative, because you need to know what you should do and what

you should not do, but its always to the goal of being more constructive and more

positive. Thats such a prime time for the development of the human brain, so thats

when you really want to do your best to create the kind of connectivity in the brain

that supports those positive feelings. During childhood is your best opportunity to do

that, but it doesnt mean that you cant do it later on; its just harder to do it later on,

when those negative connections are already written.

ou mention the topic of inner values being popular in the 1950s and

1960s, pointing out that over the past 20 years values-based research has

mostly disappeared. Why is it important for us to establish our own inner

values, and how does doing so help us communicate more effectively?

First of all, weve found that a lot of times people do get a little lost in things. When

we run people through our communication programs, we find that, early on, people

cite more monetary, vocational kinds of values or goals Then after they go through

the process of the compassionate communication techniques, they realize more

specifically where their real goals and values are, and they become more personallybased, more family based, and more driven [by] values such as being loyal, being

respectful [and] being compassionate and understanding to other people

Sometimes you dont connect with them right away, and it does take a little time

before you realize what is important to you.

The reason why we think that is so valuable is several-fold. One is that it connects you

back to yourself. Oftentimes, we dont even communicate with ourselves well. We

start doing things, and were not talking to ourselves and telling ourselves what is

important to us. Each person is different, but if they have values of respect or loyalty,

for example, they take that into a conversation in the workplace or with a family

member or friend, and now theyre speaking from a different perspective. Its not

from a selfish perspective, its not from a Whats in it for me? kind of perspective,

but from the perspective of Am I able to engage this person and maintain my values

in the dialogue? If respect and loyalty are important values to you, now youre


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talking to them from a position of, I need to respect this person; I need to be loyal to

this person.

ou said that when you started writing the book you were inclined to

think humans are innately selfish, but now you believe the species to be

cooperative by nature. What changed your mind?

Well, yeah, I mean, theres been so much emphasis over the years on humanity being

selfish; obviously a lot of people note that in our everyday lives. To some degree there

is an inherent selfishness that we all need to have; we have to make sure we get the

resources we need to survive, so there is a selfishness thats built into us. But as you

also mention, for humanity to have done as well as it has, its really been the social

element of our brain the ability to not be selfish and to be more compassionate, to

be able to connect with other people that in many ways has been sort of the

fundamental driver in making us who we are as a species.

As we look at the different parts of the brain, theres always a bit of a battle going on

between our selfish urges and our selfless urges, but those selfless urges are very, very

strong. The more we started to look into the research of how different parts of the

brain work, especially, in human beings, those higher parts of the brain which help to

foster feelings of compassion those are in the higher parts of the brain, the parts

that are most developed [it] led me to believe that was one of the essential features

of what makes human beings who we are. To some degree were continuing to growbeyond the more basic, selfish element of ourselves and always trying to expand our

ability to connect with others and to create that social network. I began to realize that

the notion of being very, very selfish its really not as correct as it could be, and we

really need to think more and more about the compassionate side of ourselves and

really try our best to develop that because it really is an important part of who we are.

Texting and email have a bad rap for being too impersonal,

causing people to frequently misunderstand each other. Are there ways

to be more clear (and to convey more compassion) when using these

methods of communication?

Obviously technology has radically changed the way we talk and communicate; it

leads to a lot of problems. Im sure weve all experienced getting an email from

somebody and thinking, Wow, theyre really angry at me! and then theyre like,


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What? I was on the train; it was a little hard for me to write the email.

To some degree, there are certain benefits to text message. The beauty of Twitter and

all that kind of [technology is that it] plays right into the heart of one of the elements

of compassionate communication, which is being brief and being able to express

everything that you need to express in one burst. Its not a surprise that things like

Twitter and text messaging will wind up being excellent ways of communicating with

each other, but there are other elements with regard to facial and body gestures and

emotional inflections that dont often come across. But I think the basic principles

apply: figuring out what are your inner values, thinking about whether youre

respecting somebody when youre sending them this text message or email, asking

yourself how you think its coming across, being aware of your responses to things,

and making sure that youre interpreting things correctly. To some degree thats true

no matter what. We can all misunderstand each other, whether were speaking face to

face or sending a text.

I would imagine that were also more apt to like people when we observe

them communicating effectively with others, even if were not a part of

the conversation. How does this play into politics and the way we

perceive different political candidates when we see them interact with

others?

I think that on a lot of levels it is very important. You know, they so often talk aboutthe candidates that are likeable. What does that mean? Its a nondescript way of

saying, do they connect with people? Do people feel comfortable with them? Do they

feel they can talk to the candidates, that they will listen to them and that theyre

compassionate and understanding? In a debate, you need a certain amount of

negativity to say, Im right and hes wrong. But as we also have seen in different

elections, when the campaigns get really negative, voters really hate that. Thats not

what people feel good about; it makes them feel stressed. It makes them feel anxious.

The Gettysburg Address was one of the greatest speeches in history, and it was very

brief and spoken with great conviction, great sincerity, great compassion, and from a

point of view of tremendous inner values about whats right and whats wrong. Very

few speeches hold up to that in terms of its ability to express something. As we get

into the debates, its going to be crucial for the candidates to be able to express their

ideas and to explain why theyre different from each other, why they offer more


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constructive ideas about the United States and how we move forward. Part of

Obamas last campaign was the idea of hope that there was something constructive

we could do, something better than where we are today. That, to some degree, is what

every politician needs to say: Things are perhaps not as good as they could be, but

there are things that we can do to make it better and to provide hope. That is an

essential element, I think, of a lot of communication: that we can hope to betterunderstand each other, and that we can create that optimistic sense of hope that has

been shown to be so helpful from a mental health, as well as a physical health,

perspective.

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Jaime Cone is an editorial fellow at Salon. More Jaime Cone.

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