Your underlying message is

showing (and you might not

want it to)

How words you use, and the way you choose to communicate convey more than you want…

M.E. Yancosek Gamble, Bethany College Department of Communications and Media

Arts megamble@bethanywv.edu

Overview of the Session3:05 – 3: 20 Communication basics3:25 – 3: 45 How we don’t

communicate. 3: 50 – 4: 15 How on do we

manage our slips? What are some of yours?

4: 15-4:30 Questions, discussion, final thoughts

Words are very powerful.

Words destroy, embarrass, spread rumorsWords empower, create reality, are permanent.

In a nano-second world, with a sound-bite mentality, how do we not lose sensitivity for the speed of our words?

With many balls in the air, multi-tasking, cramming one more thing in – who has time to care about what my words are showing?

Who has time to care?If we are about our relationships, it is essential that

we understand how to communicate as clearly as possible.

We seldom give a second thought to the quality control (or lack of it) of what comes out of our mouths.

Our words have consequences.In an increasingly rude society, don’t loose your

filters.

Let’s examine quickly how words come to be so important and what we can do to be careful with our words.

Communication BasicsCommunication is defined as

___________________

The negotiation of meaning…

We will focus on oral interpersonal communication for this session.

Factors in CommunicationBasic factors in the Communication Process

Speaker ChannelAttitude Medium – many

forms Purpose Face to

faceCredibility Other forms

Message ListenerContent AttitudeStyle PurposeStructure Credibility

Aristotelian AppealsWhen communicating, we want people to agree with

us. We use appeals:Logos

Logic, numbers, explanations and factsEthos

Conscience, ethics, moral, standards, values, principles

LogoHeart, emotions, sympathy, passions, sentimentality.

We also use both verbals and nonverbals in our appeals

Structure of CommunicationWe structure the way we say

what we say because of many things:

Gender, Modeling, Cultural,

Habit.

How women communicateLanguage ParalanguageStandard forms of

EnglishDiscuss feelingsLook for signs of

agreementExpressions are gender

based.Use mitigated directives

(let’s we could) Goodwin, 1980, 1988, 1990)

Speech pattern – letting people speak in conversation (rather than establishing forms of dominance.)

Acknowledge what other says

www.putlearningfirst.com

How men communicateLanguage ParalanguageMen use explicit

directives to get what they want.

Command language. Jump for topic to topic,

telling anecdotes about achievements.

Rarely speak of personal problems or feelings

Joking physically, back slapping.

Take up more space.Use space to establish

dominance.Non-verbals enhanced.

Ways of Communicating

Not only does you language and paralanguage show something about who you are and how you think, but how you engage in communication also says a great deal.

Let’s examine several way of communicating and what they may, or may not say.

Ways we communicate…Here are some simple ways we do that

Themes - (battle between good and evil)Repetition of words – for emphasis?Counterpoints- Contrast – blk/white, gd/bad, lgt/darkImagery – Evoke senses, sight, taste, hearing, etc…Metaphors – a tree is a metaphor of growth.Style, tone and voice – serious, humorous, sarcastic, Analogy – Comparison of two things.Hyperbole – exaggeration/overstatementSarcasm – Cutting, ironic remark intended to wound.

What are we showing? Hedging- uncertainty and lack of authority e.g. ‘sort of’ Super polite forms – ‘If you don’t mine please may you..’ Hypercorrect grammar and pronunciation- e.g. women avoid ‘ain’t’ or

double negatives Tag questions – show that women want approval from their utterances

e.g. ‘I’m coming with you, all right?’ Speaking in italics – women use exaggerated intonation or stress for

emphasis, expresses uncertainty e.g. ‘I am very frustrated with you’  Empty adjectives approval- if a man uses these terms he appears more

feminine as it damages his masculine prestige e.g. ‘divine, lovely, adorable, delightful and sweetie’

Use of implication- women use this because they do not feel the authority to give orders e.g. ‘it’s cold in here, isn’t it’ instead of ‘shut the window’

Special lexicon- such words are trivial and evidence of the fact that women have been allowed control over unimportant things e.g. purple of blue women would say ‘lilac’ or ‘violet’

What are you showing???Question intonations in declarative statements- women raise

the pitch of their voice at the end of statements expressing uncertainty e.g. ‘Dinner’s in half an hour?’

Sense of humor lacking- women don’t joke as much or understand jokes.

Speak less frequently – men speak more often than women, proves women to be less certain of themselves.

Indirect speech- ‘Wow, I’m so thirsty’ instead of asking for a drink.

Avoid coarse language of expletivesApologies- ‘I’m sorry, but I think that… ’

Lankoff, The ranking of power’ in 1990,’ Language war’ in 2000, ‘What you can do with word’s’ in 1977. ‘Father knows best’ in 1993 and Taking power in 1990.

How we don’t communicate…We never seem to be at a loss for words, (though

we wish we were sometimes…) but the quality of our words seems to be slipping.

Rarely do we give what we say a second thought… speak without thinking, twist words, fail to follow through on a promise…

Many times we engage in phrases so worn out they have lost their original meaning.

http://www.franksonnenbergonline.com/

I’m sorry…Does this mean

“I am sorry…” or“I am sorry but I am going to tell you what I want to tell you whether you want to hear it

or not…”

It is difficult to admit we have erred. Save the “I’m sorry…” for when you really mean it.

Please, Thank youThis economic downturn has made all of us a bit more

task-oriented, less time for courtesies, even cut throat.

The more (faster) the technology, the less the manners.

Why is it okay to be rude? Indifferent? Why forgo pleasantries? Is being kind below any pay grade?

If you are too busy to say please, thank you, don’t be surprised if others are too busy to help you.

I promise. Trust me.Are you worthy of trust when you say “trust

me” ?

Trustworthiness is earned over time, saying “I promise,” or “trust me” puts your integrity on the line.

Your word is your bond, can you keep a secret, keep your word, stand behind your commitment? If not, don’t say it.

I’d rather not say…Some of us avoid personal confrontation at all

cost.Life if conflict, conflict is change, change is

life.Relationships fail because we don’t

communicate.If you fail to say what is on your mind, what

are the implications? To self, others, work team?

Will it percolate to the surface later in a passive aggressive strategy, conscience or unconsciously.

Actions speak louder than words so your actions can confirm or contradict your words.

More than just choosing words carefully

Words have two meanings – what you intend and what the listener thinks you mean.

Effective communication requires sync with nonverbals and verbals. Sending mixed messages is confusing.

If you don’t follow up your words with actions, don’t expect people to believe what you are saying.

Make your words count55% of meaning of an interaction comes from

facial and body language and only 38% comes form vocal inflection. That means that only 7% of an interaction comes from words.

When texting or tweating, emailing or IMing, we can’t get the nuanced conversations from a phone call or face-to-face.

It take more time to fix a misunderstanding, repair hurt feelings, mend a relationship.

How do we communicate?But it is more than a numbers game ---who

initiates? or asks questions? or interrupts more? or talks less? (Fishman, 1980, Coates 1989, 1991)

It is who speaks as though words have consequences and actively takes responsibility for what one says…so make certain that the relationships established by powerful words thrive. Tall order for Friday afternoon? Perhaps…

Experts suggests some ways that we can recognize things we say so that we really are saying what we want to, instead of leaking more information, or revealing more information than we want.

How do we manage our slips?I have researched and compiled ways for us

to rethink the words and phases we use so that we are accurately saying what we want to say, and not slipping or leaking additional information.

Some of this is about being clear with our language, some of it is just habituated sayings, and some of it clearly is just being insensitive with our words and phrases.

Slips to ClarityLess than Ideal Choices

AlternativesBlack sheepIndian-giverRule of thumbLet’s go DutchYou GuysActing like wild IndiansGirls (referring to

coworkers)Policemen, postmenChairmen

OutcastGift reneging.RuleLet’s each pay our own

way.Friends, folks, group.Out of controlWomenPolice officer, mail carrierChair, leader, member of

Congress, Representatives

Slips to ClarityLess than Ideal Choice AlternativeManholeManningStewardess/StewardRetardedGifted childrenRace (human)UneducatedThe better half, the little

woman

Utility holeStaffingFlight attendantDevelopmentally

challengedAdvanced learnersEthnicity or nationalityLacking a formal

educationYour wife.

Slips to ClarityLess than Ideal Choice Alternative“Don’t go postal on me.”Acting blondeOld people, fogies

PMSingAnalNaggingFlip chart

No alternativeNo alternativeSeniors, chronologically

advantaged.AssertiveAttending to detailRepeatedly requestingEasel (Flip negative term

for Filipinos)

Slips to ClarityLess than Ideal Choice AlternativeWheel-chair boundJew downHalf-breed, mulattoBlacklistedNew and improvedVery uniqueNew beginning

One who uses a wheel-chair

NegotiateMulti-ethnicBannedCan not be bothIt is or it is not…Beginning

Ten Meaningless or Irritating English Expressions

At the end of the dayAt this moment in timeI personallyWith all due respectAbsolutelyIt's a nightmareFairly uniqueShouldn't of24/7It's not rocket sciencehttp://www.guy-sports.com/months/jokes_english_la

nguage.htm

ConclusionWe all have buzzwords that we say more than

we want, or cognitively choose to use that leak other things.

From the metaphors we use (battle, fight, sports, quilting), to the arguments we make, we are always saying so much that just our words.

I guess that is why I love rhetoric so much --- and now you know more about me than I wanted you to….

The Take AwayI have learned not to take everything so literally,

and to examine the speaker (as well as the listener- er, me.)

The best things about today will be if it gets us communicating. Even if people say I am a “Rita Rhetor” or pc, whatever, if it gets a conversation/ discussion started, that is good.

No one can be perfect at this. Communication is a practice, and it takes effort.

What do you have to add?

Additional info…This info will be on slideshare.Please use itPlease share itPlease feel free to contact me:

M.E . Yancosek Gamble, megamble@bethanywv.edu