Young Frankenstein script

LIBRETTO V O C A L B O O K

fEi

Book by Mel Brooks and Thomas Meehan Music and Lyrics by Mel Brooks

Original Direction and Choreography by Susan Stroman Based on the story and screenplay by Gene Wilder and M e l Brooks

and on the original motion picture by special arrangement wi th Twentieth Century Fox

"Puttin On The Ritz" by I rv ing Berlin

NOTICE: DO NOT DEFACE! Should you find if necessary to mark cues or cuts, use o soft black lead pencil only.

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I

Y O U N G FRANKENSTEIN - 1 -

A C T O N E S c e n e 1

# 1 - Prelude

On the front doth, we see a forbidding castle atop a distant hill. A MUSICAL PRELUDE begins and we see the title "Young Frankenstein" projected on the cloth. A light appears in a castle window, followed hy a projection along the bottom of the cloth: "Transylvania Heights, 1934." We hear the funereal SOUND of tolling CHURCH BELLS as we bleed through the scrim to reveal the village square in the small European village of Transylvania Heights.

It is a gloomy and drizzly afternoon in late spring. LIGHTS up on a HERALD, ringing a handbell.

#2-The Happiest Town In Town

H E R A L D

MAKE WAY! MAKE WAY!

A funeral procession enters headed by a censor-swinging PRIEST, followed hy a pair of UNDERTAKERS carrying an ornate coffin with the words carved on its side, "Dr. Victor von Frankenstein, 1833-1934.'' The coffin is followed hy a GRAVEDIGGER.

Make way for the funeral procession of Doctor Victor von Frankenstein, maker of monsters!

A crowd of solemn VILLAGERS, in dark funereal garb and holding black umbrellas, stand back as the coffin passes. As the coffin exits, they step forward.

A L L

LISTEN TO OUR TALE OF WOE,

- 2 - Y O U N G FRANKENSTEIN

W O M E N

BUT NOW WE'RE NOT AFRAID NO MORE,

WE SEE A BRIGHTER DAY.

A L L

HE'S LAID TO REST,

WE'RE TRULY BLESSED,

A N D THIS IS W H A T WE SAY...

THEY throw off their dark cloaks to reveal brightly colored costumes as the sun appears.

THINGS ARE SWELL NOW,

RING THAT BELL NOW

WE'RE I N HEAVEN,

NO MORE HELL NOW

NOW THE DOCTOR'S DEAD, GOODBYE TO DREAD

WE'RE THE HAPPIEST TOWN I N TOWN!

As ZIGGY snaps a photo, INSPECTOR KEMP appears, interrupting the VILLAGERS and their dancing.

K E M P

H o l d the happiness!

V I L L A G E R S

Kemp! Kemp! It's Inspector K e m p ! It's Kemp!

W O M A N V I L L A G E R

H o l d the happiness? W h y , Inspector Kemp?

K E M P

Because as long as a Frankenstein lives, our village is i n danger!

M A L E V I L L A G E R # 1

But, Inspector, the Baron is dead. A n d he was the last of the Frankensteins!

K E M P

N o !

V I L L A G E R S

No?

K E M P

One lives!

(The VILLAGERS gasp)

A grandson!

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN - 3 -

Who is he?

What does he do?

Z I G G Y

H E R A L D

K E M P

He's a professor, the Dean of Anatomy at N e w York's most famous institute of higher learning, the Johns, M i r i a m and A n t h o n y Hopkins School of Medicine! As long as this young Frankenstein walks the earth, we w i l l never be safe!


You're r ight . Inspector, those Frankensteins are dangerous!

K E M P

You're te l l ing me? I ' l l never forget, w h e n I was a young man, one of Frankenstein's creatures came rampaging through our village. I t r ied to stop h i m , but I couldn't . He tore off m y left leg and m y r ight arm.

V I L L A G E R S

Oooh!

K E M P

I had to go al l the way to Vierma to f i n d a top surgeon w h o could put me back together again.


A top surgeon i n Vienna? That must have been expensive.

K E M P

Expensive? A r e y o u kidding? I t cost me an a r m and a leg.

Z I G G Y

W h i c h cost more? The arm or the leg?

K E M P

We have to get a new village idiot .

(as HE exits)

Beware of the Frankensteins!

Z I G G Y

I may be the village idiot , but I ask y o u , what are the chances of a N e w York doctor ever coming to Transylvania?

A L L

None! Yeah!

Y O U N G FRANKENSTEIN

( A L L )

(as THEY begin to exit)

ON THIS HAPPY DAY WE SAY A M E N

WE HAVE WANTED THIS

SINCE GOD KNOWS WHEN

Z I G G Y

NO MORE FRANKENSTEIN

A L L

YOU C A N SAY THAT A G A I N

Z I G G Y


A L L

WE'RE THE HAPPIEST TOWN I N TOWN


Z I G G Y


A L L


Z I G G Y


W O M E N


Z I G G Y


W O M E N


Z I G G Y


Z I G G Y & W O M E N

FRANKENSTEIN...FRANKENSTEIN

FRANKENSTEIN... FRANKENSTEIN

We transition into Scene 2...

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

A C T O N E

S c e n e 2

Lights up on three MEDICALS STUDENTS, standing against a black drop covered in scientific proofs and formulas, cjuestioning DR. FREDERICK FRANKENSTEIN.

S T U D E N T S

(picking up the VILLAGERS singing)

FRANKENSTEIN, FRANKENSTEIN,

FRANKENSTEIN, FRANKENSTEIN...

3-(There Is Nothing Like) The Brain

S T U D E N T # 1

IT'S BEEN SAID THAT YOUR GRANDFATHER

BROUGHT DEAD TISSUE BACK TO LIFE,

IS THAT TRUE, DR. FRANKENSTEIN?

S T U D E N T # 2

IT'S BEEN SAID THAT YOUR GRANDFATHER

CREATED A HORRIFYING MONSTER,


S T U D E N T # 3

IT'S BEEN SAID...

.nay, even sung. . .

THAT YOUR GRANDFATHER'S MONSTER

HURT A N D LAMED, KILLED A N D M A I M E D ,


S T U D E N T S



IS THAT TRUE,

IS THAT TRUE,

IS THAT TRUE,


A lecture hall in a medical school materializes, with a sign that reads "Johns, Miriam & Anthony Hopkins School of Medicine, Founded 1874."

As the MEDICAL STUDENTS take their seats, DR. FREDERICK FRANKENSTEIN is revealed. He turns to address his STUDENTS.

_ 6 - YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

F R E D E R I C K

That's Fronkensteen! M y name, it 's pronounced Fronkensteen!

(laughing)

Yes, yes, the whole w o r l d knows what m y grandfather d i d . But please, do I look like the k i n d of madman w h o ' d p r o w l around graveyards, d igging up freshly buried corpses?

S T U D E N T # 3

Wel l , Professor...

F R E D E R I C K

Don' t answer that!

I 'M NOT A FRANKENSTEIN,

I DON'T INDULGE I N HIJINKS

OR TOMFOOLERY!

I 'M NOT A FRANKENSTEIN,

I DON'T BELIEVE I N MUMMIES,

GHOSTS, OR GHOULERY!

I DEAL I N FACT NOT FICTION,

I A M A SCIENTIST,

I LIVE FOR TRUTH A N D REASON,

THAT'S THE REASON I EXIST

There is a vast difference between m y crazy grandfather's delusional experiments and m y o w n devotion to pure science. W M c h leads us directly to the subject of today's lecture.

HE holds up a brain in a display case.

THE BRAIN!

THERE IS NOTHING LIKE THE BRAIN

HEARTS A N D LUNGS ARE SIMPLY TINKER TOYS

WHEN STACKED AGAINST THE BRAIN!

INSANE!

I ' M INSANE ABOUT THE BRAIN!

NO INVENTION I N THE UNIVERSE

IS EQUAL TO THE BRAIN!

THE MOUTH'S A MARVEL W H E N IT COMES TO EATING,

r V E NOTHING AGAINST THE WOMB,

Y O U N G FRANKENSTEIN - 7 -

( F R E D E R I C K )

I T H A N K THE BLADDER WHEN I ' M EXCRETING,

A N D I ALWAYS GIVE THE ELBOW ROOM!

BUT THE BRAIN!

PLEASE ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN,

THERE'S NO ORGAN C A N COMPARE TO IT,

I SWEAR TO IT, IT'S PLAIN,

IT'S THE BRAIN.. .

A STUDENT raises his hand to ask a question.

S T U D E N T # 2

Sir?

F R E D E R I C K

Yes?

S T U D E N T # 2

I ' m not sure I understand the distinction between reflexive and voluntary nerve impulses.

F R E D E R I C K

Very good. Since our lab w o r k today is a demonstration of just that distinction.

HE hangs a gong and a pair of ASSISTANTS wheel in a gumey on which lies MR. HILLTOP.

M r . H i l l t o p here, w i t h w h o m I have never w o r k e d nor given any pr ior instruction to, has graciously offered his services for this afternoon's demonstration.

HIS MEDULLA OBLONGATA,

TELLS HIS BRAIN STEM THAT IT'S GOTTA

SEND A N IMPULSE FULL OF DATA

W H I C H CREATES A LOTTA PAIN.

HIS FRONTAL LOBE GETS BUSY

WITH A THOUGHT THAT MAKES H I M DIZZY,

PUTS HIS CORTEX I N A TIZZY,

SO HE NEVER WILL COMPLAIN,

THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE BRAIN!

M r . H i l l t o p , w o u l d you please hop u p o n your feet and stand beside this table.

With much effort, MR. HILLTOP gets down off the gumey and stands next to FREDERICK

Nice hopping. M r . H i l l t o p , w i l l y o u raise your left knee, please.

- 8 ~ YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

MR. HILLTOP does so and continues to balance on one foot during the following


You have just witnessed a voluntary nerve impulse. M r . H i l l t o p , y o u may lower y o u r knee.

MR. HILLTOP does so

Reflex movements, on the other hand/ are those w h i c h are made independentiy of the w i l l .

FREDERICK raises his knee as if to get MR. HILLTOP in the groin

W h y y o u d i r t y rotten yel low son-of-a-bitch!

M R . H I L L T O P

(Doubled over and holding his groin)

Goooh!

F R E D E R I C K

EVEN THOUGH I ALMOST KNEED H I M

HIS REFLEXES HAVE NO FREEDOM

TO REACT W H E N I MISTREAT H I M ,

IT'S IMPORTANT I EXPLAIN

SYNAPTIC NERVE CONNECTION

GOES ITS WAY WITHOUT DETECTION

BRINGING CRANIAL PROTECTION

I N A NEVER-ENDING C H A I N !

THAT'S W H A T I LOVE ABOUT THE BRAIN!

But what i f we were to block those nerve impulses by s imply applying local pressure...

HE takes a metal clamp from one of the ASSISTANTS and places it around the hack of MR. HILLTOP'S neck.

. . .which can be done w i t h any ordinary metal clamp, just at the swel l ing of the posterior nerve root . . . for say, oh, four seconds.

HE smashes his knee into MR. HILLTOP'S groin

W h y you mother-grabbing bastard!

MR. HILLTOP does not react, but his eyes cross

As you can see, even though 1 have just smashed m y knee into his crotch, he does not react. He feels absolutely nothing.

M R . H I L L T O P

(quietly, in pain)

M n r m m . . .

Y O U N G F R A N K E N S T E I N - 9 -

F R E D E R I C K

More or less. So i f it were not for this continuous stream of motor impulses f r o m the brain, we w o u l d collapse... l ike a bunch... of... broccoli!

HE removes the clamp and MR. HILLTOP collapses to the floor like a bunch of broccoli

M R . H I L L T O P

Oooooh!

STUDENTS applaud as ASSISTANTS put HILLTOP on the gumey and wheel him offstage

F R E D E R I C K

A N D I N C O N C L U S I O N ,

S O T H E R E ' S N O C O N F U S I O N ,

L E T M E S A Y I T O N C E A G A I N ,

T H O U G H Y O U R G E N I T A L I A

H A S B E E N K N O W N T O F A I L Y A ,

Y O U C A N B E T Y O U R A S S O N T H E B R A I N !

(spoken)

Everybody!

FREDERICK pulls down a BRAIN SHADE on the blackboard

S T U D E N T S

T H E B R A I N !

T H E R E I S N O T H I N G L I K E T H E B R A I N !

I T ' S T H E K I N G O F O U R A N A T O M Y

A N D E V E R S H A L L I T R E I G N !

F R E D E R I C K

Y O U C A N C A L L M E C O P E R N I C U S ,

K E P L E R , O R N E W T O N ,

C O M P A R E M E T O F R E U D

I ' D F E E L H I G H - F A L U T I N !

C A L L M E A D A R W I N ,

I L O V E T H A T M A N ' S T H E O R Y ,

C A L L M E P A S T E U R

A N D W A T C H M E G E T T E A R Y !

S A Y M A D A M E C U R I E ,

T H A T W O U L D B E T H E B E S T ,

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN


CALL ME A RORSCHACH,

I ' M UP TO THE TEST!

I REALLY LIGHT UP

WHEN YOU CALL ME EDISON

CALL ME A N ERLICH,

1 LIKE THAT MAN'S MEDICINE

CALL ME MARCONI,

THAT WIRELESS WOW

CALL ME PAVLOV,

A N D I'LL BARK LIKE A CHOW

CALL ME A N EINSTEIN

A N D THAT WOULD BE FINE

CALL ME A TESLA

I WOULDN'T DECLINE

BUT TO CALL ME A FRANKENSTEIN

WOULD BE INSANE.

CAUSE I LOVE THE BRAIN!

S T U D E N T S

(together with FREDERICK above)

HIS NAME IS FRONKENSTEEN

THE FACTS ARE PLAIN

THERE IS N O T H I N G LIKE THE BRAIN

SOUND: A School Bell rings

F R E D E R I C K

Class dismissed

i^3a ~ (There Is Nothing Like) The Brain - Playoff

S T U D E N T S

THE BRAIN!

THERE IS N O T H I N G LIKE THE BRAIN!

M M M . . .

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN - 1 1 -

The STUDENTS exit, the last of which hands an apple to FREDERICK before she shyly runs off. With help from one of the lab assistants, FREDERICK begins changing from his lab coat into a traveling coat. A uniformed TELEGRAPH BOY enters.

T E L E G R A P H B O Y

Frankenstein! Dr . Frankenstein! Cablegram for Dr. Frankenstein!

F R E D E R I C K

That's Fronkensteen! M y name is pronounced Fronkensteen.


If you say so. It's f r o m overseas. Transylvania Heights.

F R E D E R I C K

Transylvaiua Heights? W h o do I k n o w i n Transylvania Heights? Could you read it to me, please?


"We regret to i r i form you that your grandfather. Doctor Victor v o n Frankenstein, has passed away and died . "

F R E D E R I C K

Oh, no!


(still reading the telegram)

" O h , yes. I t is imperative that you come here to his castle at once."

F R E D E R I C K

Oh, no.


" O h , yes. You must come or else your entire estate w i l l be seized by the Transylvania Tax A u t h o r i t y . "

F R E D E R I C K

O h no.

" O h yes."

Tharik you . Here's a dime.

Oh no.

Oh yes.


F R E D E R I C K


F R E D E R I C K

- 3 2 - YouNC FRANKENSTEIN


Goodbye, Dr. Frankenstein!

F R E D E R I C K

That's FRONKENSTEEN!!!

End of Scene 2. Nautical MUSIC plays under and we hear the SOUND of 2 loud blasts of a boat horn. FREDERICK remains on stage as we transition to...


A C T O N E

S c e n e 3

3b -Hudson River Pier

A Hudson River pier. Sunset. The HMS QUEEN MURRAY is about to set sail for Europe. Late-arriving PASSENGERS are going aboard, checked in by a uniformed PURSER and CRUISE DIRECTOR. A STEWARD stands at the stairs to the ship. FREDERICK is searching for ELIZABETH.

S T E W A R D

(with a British accent; banging a gong)

A l l aboard, please! A l l aboard! A l l aboard w h o are going aboard, all aboard w h o are going aboard! Sailing i n ten minutes! Ten minutes, please!

HE bangs the gong once more

F R E D E R I C K

(calling off)

Elizabeth! Elizabeth, hurry , h u r r y , m y boat's about to sail!

E L I Z A B E T H

(calling from off-stage)

I ' m coming, darl ing! I ' m coming! I ' m coming!

(as SHE enters and stops)

I ' m here!

(SHE walks towards FREDERICK)

O h , m y sweet darl ing. O h m y dearest love. I ' l l count the hours that you're away.

F R E D E R I C K

Oh, dar l ing, so w i l l I .

S T E W A R D

A l l aboard! A l l aboard!

The STEWARD hangs the gong

E L I Z A B E T H

H o w could fate tear us apart l ike this? Me, your adorable madcap fiancee, i n a Park Avenue penthouse, dancing ' t i l d a w n w i t h one good-lookin' guy after another, and y o u , all alone on the stormy seas, desperately c l inging to your masthead. O h , Freddie, 1 can't let you go, I s imply can't let y o u go...

(as FREDERICK leans in to kiss her on the mouth)

LIPS! The lipstick, darl ing.

- 1 4 - YouNc FRANKENSTEIN

F R E D E R I C K

What?

E L I Z A B E T H

I ' m sorry. I have to go to that party tonight at N i c k y and Nana's.

F R E D E R I C K

O h , of course, darl ing. I ' m sorry.

S T E W A R D

A l l aboard! Last call! A l l aboard!

The STEWARD hangs the gong

E L I Z A B E T H

O h , dar l ing! H o w can I say i n just a few minutes what it 's taken me a l ifetime to understand?

F R E D E R I C K

Does that mean you love me?

E L I Z A B E T H

Y o u bet your boots i t does, mister.

F R E D E R I C K

(trying to take her hands)

O h , Elizabeth, the love of m y l i f e . . .

E L I Z A B E T H

(pulling hands away from him)

Nails! The nails, dar l ing. I ' m sorry, they take three months to d r y .

SHE blows on her nails

F R E D E R I C K

O h , sorry.

HE takes ELIZABETH'S hand, blowing on her nails to help them dry.

E L I Z A B E T H

Thar\ y o u , darl ing.

(as HE blows)

Hey y o u .

F R E D E R I C K

Hey.

E L I Z A B E T H

I hope somebody likes old-fashioned weddings!

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN - 1 5

F R E D E R I C K

I prefer old-fashioned w e d d i n g nights!

E L I Z A B E T H

O h darl ing, you're incorrigible . . .

(as FREDERICK reaches out to tenderly pat her head)

H A I R ! The hair, dar l ing! I just had i t done! Marcelled for six hours, by Marcel himself.

#4 Please Don't Touch Me

F R E D E R I C K

Of course. Wel l , I promise, m y darl ing, not to step a step closer.

E L I Z A B E T H

Thank y o u , darl ing. F R E D E R I C K

I can sti l l dream, can't I?

E L I Z A B E T H

DREAM A L L YOU WANT,

MY DARLING,

OF EV'RY LUSTFUL SITUATION,

THOSE NAUGHTY THOUGHTS,

ARE FINE W I T H ME,

AS LONG AS THEY

STAY LOCKED AWAY

I N YOUR I M A G I N A T I O N . . .

(spoken)

YOU C A N HUG ME TILL I SCREAM,

IF IT'S ONLY I N A DREAM

BUT PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME!

YOU C A N FEEL ME TILL I SQUEEL,

JUST AS LONG AS IT'S NOT REAL,


(sings)

YOU CAN STICK ME, YOU C A N LICK ME,

YOU C A N PINCH ME TILL I ' M BLUE,

YOU C A N BITE ME A N D DELIGHT ME

TILL I 'M BLIND!

- 1 6 - YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

( E L I Z A B E T H )

YOU C A N SAVAGE ME A N D RAVAGE ME,

I CARE NOT W H A T YOU DO,

IF THE LOVELY FILTHY THINGS YOU DO

ARE ONLY I N YOUR M I N D !

YOU C A N SPANK ME T I L I 'M RED,

IF IT'S ONLY I N YOUR HEAD,


YOU C A N HAVE ME, DON'T YOU SEE...

IF IT'S JUST A FANTASY...

BUT PLEASE

DON'T TOUCH ME!

(as MUSIC continues under)

Freddie, darl ing, I k n o w that you're a v i r g i n . . .

F R E D E R I C K

Yes. For me, science has always come first.

E L I Z A B E T H

. . . and as every guy i n N e w York knows, I come first, too.

AFTER OUR WEDDING

YOU'LL BE O H SO GLAD WE WAITED,

UNTIL THEN TAKE COLD SHOWERS

W H E N YOU'RE OVER-STIMULATED!

ANTICIPATION IS SUBLIME

A N D ALTHOUGH YOU MIGHT THINK T M

A TEASE,

PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME!

Dance break. ELIZABETH and FREDERICK dance without ever touching.

S E E I N G - O F F W O M A N # 1

O h , everybody, look, h o w unique! They're not touching.

P U R S E R

It must be "Please Don' t Touch M e " the new dance craze that's sweeping Catholic girls ' schools all over the Midwest !

S E E I N G - O F F W O M A N # 2

O h , what f u n ! C 'mon, let's t ry i t !


Dance Break: The COUPLES dance without touching.

A L L

PLEASE DON'T, PLEASE DON'T,


E L I Z A B E T H

DO NOT HUG US, DO NOT DRUG US,

DO NOT SLUG US TIL WE CRY

DO NOT THROB US T I L YOU ROB US

OF OUR WITS!

M E N

WE WON'T POKE YOU, WE WON'T STROKE YOU,

'TIL WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO DIE

E L I Z A B E T H

BUT EVEN I N YOUR WILDEST DREAMS

DON'T DARE TO TOUCH OUR TITS!

atholic

DON'T DARE TO TOUCH OUR TITS!

W O M E N

DON'T DARE TO TOUCH OUR TITS,

TO TOUCH OUR TITS,

TO TOUCH OUR TITS

TO TOUCH OUR...

E L I Z A B E T H

TITS, TITS, TITS, TITS,

TITS, TITS, TITS, TITS!

TITS!

OUR TITS!

SOUND: The BOAT blows its horn

WHEN WE'RE ABSOLUTELY WED

YOU CAN DO IT 'TIL WE'RE DEAD

FREDERICK sees the gangplank detaching and the boat starting to sail. Unnoticed by ELIZABETH, he runs and jumps on hoard.

F R E D E R I C K

(Shouting to get her attention)

Elizabeth!

ELIZABETH runs after FREDERICK

1 8 - YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

W O M E N

'TIL THEN PLEASE... PLEASE... PLEASE!

M E N

WE'RE DOWN O N OUR KNEES!

W O M E N

PLEASE.. . PLEASE... PLEASE!

E L I Z A B E T H

(Reaching the top of the gangplank)

PLEASE! KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF THESE!


M E N & W O M E N

(overlapping)

PLEASE DON'T TOUCH.. .

WE WON'T TOUCH YOU!

E L I Z A B E T H


M E N & W O M E N

WE WON'T TOUCH YOU!

The boat sails offstage.

E L I Z A B E T H


M E N & W O M E N

SHE'S SO TOUCHY!

The MEN follow ELIZABETH up the stairs, rudely touching her as the number buttons. We transition into...


A C T O N E

S c e n e 4

^ia-At The Train Station

The train station in Transylvania Heights. Early evening, a few days later. In the distance we see the LIGHT of a train growing larger as it gets closer. FREDERICK disembarks once it stops and heads downstage towards an elderly SHOESHINE MAN as the walls of the station move in. MUSIC that strongly reminds us of "Chattanooga Choo-Choo."

F R E D E R I C K

(speaking in the rhythm of "Chattanooga Choo-Choo" to the SHOESHINE MAN)

Pardon me, boy, is this the Transylvania station?

S H O E S H I N E M A N

(also speaking in the rhythm of "Chattanooga Choo-Choo" though with a heavy German accent)

Ja! Ja! Track 29. Can I give you a shine?

F R E D E R I C K

(as MUSIC stops)

N o , thanks. I 'm wearing suede.

S H O E S H I N E M A N

Ach, shvade, shvade. W h o the hel l invented that verkakte shvade?

The SHOESHINE MAN exits. We hear the SOUND of a howling wolf in the distance, followed by the eerie shujfling SOUND of someone or something approaching from off-stage right. IGOR enters, sneaking up behind FREDERICK

I G O R

(loudly right into FREDERICK'S ear; with a cockney accent)

Dr. Frankenstein?

SOUND: Thunder and Lightning

F R E D E R I C K

Oh, you startled me. That's Fronkensteen. M y name is pronounced Fronkensteen.

I G O R

You're p u l l i n g m y leg.

F R E D E R I C K No, I 'm not.


I G O R

You're not? Then your f irst name, do y o u pronounce it Frederick?

F R E D E R I C K

N o . Frederick.

I G O R

Really? W h y isn't i t Froderick Fronkensteen?

F R E D E R I C K

Because i t isn't.

I G O R

As y o u w i s h , master.

F R E D E R I C K

A h , "master," so y o u must be Igor.

I G O R

N o , it's pronounced Eye-gore.

F R E D E R I C K

But they to ld me i t was Igor.

I G O R

Wel l , they were w r o n g then, weren't they? D i d y o u k n o w , master, m y grandfather used to w o r k for your grandfather?

F R E D E R I C K

O h . Really? H o w nice.

I G O R

A n d it's always been m y dream, ever since I was l i t t le , that one day I w o u l d w o r k for you just as my grandfather w o r k e d for yours. Of course, the rates have gone up .

F R E D E R I C K

Of course.

I G O R

W o r k i n g at your side, master, w o u l d be a joy. W e could open u p the o l d la-bore-a-tory, we could recormect the voltometer, dust off the l i g h t n i n g rods, and w h e n everything's i n t ip- top w o r k i n g order, w e ' l l go to the graveyard at m i d n i g h t and d i g u p a nice big fresh corpse.

F R E D E R I C K

O h no, you don't understand. 1 w o u l d never, 1 w o u l d n ' t , I couldn't . . .

I G O R

(rapturously going on, not listening to FREDERICK)

Oh, the fantastic things w e ' l l do. I t ' l l be l ike o l d times. Y o u and me. Right u p there w i t h the wor ld ' s greatest pairs!

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

- Together Again For The First Time

- 2 1 -

indfather

( I G O R )

LIKE LAUREL A N D HARDY,

LIKE COKE A N D BACCARDI

LIKE JULIET A N D ROMEO,

EBB A N D FLOW,

TO A N D FRO,

TOGETHER, TOGETHER A G A I N . . .

TOGETHER A G A I N FOR THE FIRST TIME,

WE'VE ONLY MET I N A DREAM!

UP UNTIL NOW IT-S BEEN THE WORST TIME,

BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE, WE'RE A TEAM!


HAVEN'T A WOE OR A CARE,

N O LONGER A BAD A N D ACCURSED TIME,

IT'S EASY TO SEE,

YOU HAVE TO AGREE,

WE'RE DESTINED TO BE A GREAT PAIR!

lid work e gone up.

a-bore-a-vhen ;ht and dig

A L L OF MY LIFE I'VE BEEN STOOGIN' AROUND,

NOTHIN' TO DO, AT A LOSS.

A L L OF MY LIFE I'VE BEEN STOOGIN' AROUND,

BUT WHAT GOOD IS A STOOGE

IF HE AIN'T GOT A BOSS?!


BACK ON THE TRACK TO RENOWN,

WE'RE GONNA THRILL 'EM,

WE'RE GONNA KILL 'EM,

YOU'LL BE THE TEACHER,

WE'LL MAKE A NEW CREATURE,

A N D SCARE THE BLOOMIN' DAYLIGHTS

RIGHT OUTTA THIS TOWN!

up there

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

F R E D E R I C K

(spoken as MUSIC continues under)

N o , stop i t ! Stop i t ! You don ' t understand. I ' l l only be here for a few days, to settle m y grandfather's estate, and then I ' m heading straight back to N e w York. N o laboratories, no creatures.

I G O R

Bet y o u change your m i n d , master. C 'mon, j o i n i n a chorus. It's f u n !

F R E D E R I C K

M y dear Igor, I happen to be the Dean of Anatomy at a wor ld-renowned School of Medicine. A l t h o u g h I do sing a bit. A n d was, i n fact, a Whif fenpoof at Yale.

I G O R

A Wiffenpoof, w o w ! C'mon, doc, nobody's around.

F R E D E R I C K

W e l l . . . nobody is a round. . . what the he l l . . .

TOGETHER A G A I N FOR THE FIRST TIME

HAVEN'T A WOE OR A CARE!

I G O R

(echoing, overlapping)

TOGETHER A G A I N FOR THE FIRST TIME

HAVEN'T A WOE OR A CARE!

(solo)

THIS IS THE BEST TIME

F R E D E R I C K

(echoing, overlapping)

NO LONGER A BAD A N D ACCURSED TIME,

IT'S EASY TO SEE

I G O R

YOU HAVE TO AGREE

I G O R & F R E D E R I C K

(together)

WE'RE DESTINED TO BE A GREAT PAIR!

F R E D E R I C K

M a y I?

I G O R

Take i t !

Y O U N G F R ^ N K E N s r f i N - 2 3 -

, to settle . No

School of le.

F R E D E R I C K

ALL OF MY LIFE I'VE BEEN BOSSING AROUND,

M E A N A N D ALONE, LIKE A SCROOGE,

ALL OF MY LIFE I'VE BEEN BOSSING AROUND,

BUT W H A T GOOD IS A BOSS

IF HE AIN'T GOT A STOOGE?!

HE pats IGOR on the back, on his hump, and we hear a hollow, echoing sound

Oh! F m sorry, I don't w i s h to embarrass you , but I am a rather bri l l iant surgeon. Perhaps I could help you w i t h that h u m p .

(MUSIC stops)

What hump?

I G O R



WE'VE ONLY MET I N A DREAM

F R E D E R I C K

LIKE GINGER A N D FREDDIE

I G O R

M A C D O N A L D A N D EDDY

F R E D E R I C K

LIKE SAN JUAN A N D TEDDY

I G O R

LIKE MEATBALLS A N D SPAGHETTI

F R E D E R I C K & I G O R

BUT THE PAIR THAT WE CRY FOR

THE PAIR THAT WE SIGH FOR,

THE PAIR THAT WE DIE FOR,

IS FRON-KON-STEEN A N D EYE-GORE,

FOR THE FIRST TIME,

TOGETHER A G A I N !

IGOR picks up FREDERICK'S bags and begins to exit, only to drop them so that FREDERICK must collect them. THEY do an old-time vaudeville exit, and immediately re-enter.

^5a - Together Again (Encore)

- 2 4 - Y o u N G FRANKENSTEIN

I G O R

(as THEY enter, to FREDERICK)

Walk this way.

FREDERICK begins to walk normally. IGOR stops him and refers to his awn walk.

N o , this w a y . . . l ike this . . .

HE imitates and FREDERICK follows suit



WE'VE ONLY MET I N A DREAM

F R E D E R I C K

LIKE GIMBEL A N D MACY

I G O R

LIKE HEPBURN A N D TRACY

F R E D E R I C K

LIKE LOMBARD A N D GABLE

I G O R

LIKE GOOD OLD C A I N A N D ABEL


FOR THE FIRST TIME,

TOGETHER A G A I N !

TOGETHER FOREVER A G A I N !

As THEY finish the Train Station walls part and we segue to a woodland clearing...

lis own walk.


A C T O N E

S c e n e 5

woodland clearing near the railroad station, A wagon loaded with hay stands in the clearing and a pair of "horses" are hitched to it upstage.

I G O R

Climb aboard, master, and w e ' l l be off for Castle Frankenstein, where 1 w i l l w o r k humbly at your side as y o u n o w begin a series of historic experiments that might . . .

F R E D E R I C K

Dammit , Igor, h o w many times do I have to tel l you? I have no interest i n continuing my grandfather's wacky w o r k .

I G O R

Really? I even went so far as to hire a local g i r l , Inga, to assist y o u i n your wacky work .

F R E D E R I C K

(as IGOR tosses his luggage into the hay wagon)

Well you shouldn't have because I ' l l have absolutely no use for.. .

U5h - Inga's Entrance}

id clearing...

INGA, a breathtakingly sexy young blonde, pops up out of the hay in the back of the wagon.

Hello!

This is the g i r l , Inga.

H o w do you do. Doctor?

H o w do you do?

I N G A

I G O R

I N G A

F R E D E R I C K

I N G A

I have a master's degree i n laboratory science f r o m Heidelberg Junior College. I can f u l f i l l all your needs. I ' m a very hard worker and, i f necessary, F l l even bend over backwards for you .

I G O R

Whatta ya say. Doc? Should I f ire her?

2 6 - YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

F R E D E R I C K

M m m . . . I ' d like to sleep o n i t . . . I mean th ink about i t . But by the way, h o w are we getting to the castle?

I N G A

A huystropferdeschlagenwagensuchenfruchen!

F R E D E R I C K

What's that?

I N G A

A hayride!

#6-Roll In The Hay

SOUND: Whip Crack!

ROLL, ROLL, ROLL I N THE HAY,

ROLL, ROLL, YOUR TROUBLES AWAY,

W H E N LIFE IS AWFUL

JUST JUMP O N A STRAWFUL,

A N D ROLL, ROLL I N THE HAY!


ROLL, ROLL, DO IT A L L DAY,

W H E N SPIRITS ARE SAGGIN'

JUST JUMP I N A WAGON,

A N D ROLL, ROLL I N THE HAY!


F m very high-spirited, Doktor . I hope y o u w o n ' t h o l d it against me.

F R E D E R I C K

I ' l l try not to.

I N G A

HITCH THOSE HORSES UP FOR A GAY RIDE,

WE'LL HAVE LOTS OF FUN,

SOUND: Whip Crack!

NOTHING'S BETTER T H A N A HAYRIDE,

UNDERNEATH THE SUN!

SOUND: Whip Crack!


SOMETIMES LOVE FINDS A WAY,

low are we


( I N G A )

YOU MIGHT STEAL A KISS

FROM A N UNWITTING MISS,

WHO'S NOT TOO RESISTANT TO PLAY,

SO LET'S ROLL, ROLL, ROLL, ROLL I N THE HAY!

(spoken)

So, have you thought of any vays y o u could use me?

F R E D E R I C K

Two and I ' m w o r k i n g o n a t h i r d .

I N G A

(shrieking with joy)

Oh, good. Does zat mean T m hired?

F R E D E R I C K

Well , a huge part of me is point ing i n that direction.

I N G A , F R E D E R I C K & I G O R

ROLL, ROLL I N THE HAY!

I G O R

(as INGA and FREDERICK bounce up and down)

WE'LL GO UP THE PATH,

THEN DOWN THE HILL,

BACK UP THE PATH

THEN DOWN THE H I L L !

WE'LL GO UP A N D DOWN

A N D UP A N D D O W N


A N D UP A N D D O W N !

I N G A & F R E D E R I C K

UP A N D DOWN,



A N D UP A N D D O W N ,

A N D UP DOWN

UP DOWN!


I G O R

(singing under INGA & FREDERICK)

HITCH THOSE HORSES UP FOR A GAY RIDE,

WE'LL HAVE LOTS OF FUN,

NOTHING'S BETTER T H A N A HAYRIDE,

UNDERNEATH THE SUN!

I N G A

YODEL LAYDEE! YODEL LAYDEE!


ROLL I N IT!

I N G A

ROLL I N IT!

YODEL LAYDEE! YODEL LAYDEE!


ROLL I N IT!

I N G A

ROLL I N IT!

COME TAKE A HAYRIDE

A TAKE-YOUR-BREATH-AWAY RIDE,

ROLL I N IT! ROLL I N THE HAY!

YODEL LAYDEE YODEL LAYDEE YODEL LAYDEE



LAYEEDEE!

YODEL LAYEEDEE! LAYEEDEE! LAYEEDEE! LAYEEDEE!

YODEL LAYDEE YODEL LAYDEE


YODEL DEE

SOUND: Howling werewolves

F R E D E R I C K

What's that?


I N G A

(Frightened, SHE hugs FREDERICK)

Werewolves!

Werewolves?

There! There wolves.

What?

There wolves. There castle.

Why are you talking like that?

F R E D E R I C K

I G O R

F R E D E R I C K

I G O R

F R E D E R I C K

I G O R

I don't know. I thought you wanted me to.

F R E D E R I C K

Well 1 don't.

I G O R

Have i t your way . I ' m easy.

A WEREWOLF suddenly appears, unnoticed by FREDERICK or INGA, leaving IGOR to fight him off alone

I N G A

YODEL LAYDEE HO DEE DAY,

YODEL LAYDEE HO DAYDEE HOLAYDEE YODEL LAYDEE

YODEL LAYDEE YODEL DEE


HODEL YODEL LAYDEE YODEL LAYDEE HODEL YODEL LAYDEE

ROLL I N THE DEE

SOUND: Whip Crack!

YODEL LAYDEE HO DEE DAY

YODEL LAYDEE HO DAY DEE HODEL LAYDEE HODEL LAYDEE


YODEL LAYDEE YODEL LAYDEE YODEL HODEL




Y o u hi G FRANKENSTEIN


SO LET'S ROLL, ROLL, ROLL

WE'LL A L L ROLL, ROLL, ROLL

We see Frankenstein's Castle looming in the distance.

I N G A

COME W I T H ME A N D ROLL!


ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN'

ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN'

I N G A , F R E D E R I C K & I G O R

ROLL IN THE HAY!

The number finishes as the Hay Wagon arrives at the Castle Doors...


A C T O N E

S c e n e 6

Outside the Castle Frankenstein.

I G O R

(as HE gets down from the wagon)

Welcome, master, to Castle Frankenstein! I ' l l let t h e m k n o w we're here.

HE crosses to a pair of huge doors. To reach the giant pair of knockers, he leaps into the air and grabs them like a set of gymnast rings.

SOUND: HE knocks three times

F R E D E R I C K

(staring at the doors as HE helps INGA out of the wagon)

W o w , what knockers.

I N G A

Oh, sank you. Doctor.

F R E D E R I C K

Don't mention i t .

#6f l - Frau Blucher

A door opens and FRAU BLUCHER appears, carrying an unlit candelabra.

F R A U B L U C H E R

Good evening, and velcome. Dr . Frankenstein.

F R E D E R I C K

That's Fronkensteen.


A h , yes, of course "Steen." I n future 1 v i l l t ry not to forget. Dr . Fronkoristone.

F R E D E R I C K Steen!


Steen! Yes, of course. A n d 1 am your housekeeper, Frau Blucher.

SOUND: Horses whinny and rear back

F R E D E R I C K H o w do you do?

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN


(indicating INGA)

A n d w h o , may I ask is this lovely young creature?

F R E D E R I C K

She is m y new laboratory assistant, Inga.

I N G A

O h , sank y o u , Doktor.


Assistant, huh? So that's w h a t they're calling them these days

(Laughs)

H o w do you do?

F R E D E R I C K

Inga, may I present Frau Blucher.

SOUND: Horses whinny and rear back

I G O R

(rushing to the HORSES)

Whoa, Blacken! Whoa, Decker!


A l l is i n readiness for y o u r arr ival , Herr Doktor. I f y o u v i l l fo l low me. Stay close to the candles. The staircase can be treacherous.

F R E D E R I C K

After y o u , Frau Blucher.

SOUND: Horses whinny and rear hack

ALL exit into the house, followed hy IGOR, carrying FREDERICK'S and INGA'S bags.

I G O R

(turning around at the last moment to the horses)

Blucher!

SOUND: Horses whinny and rear back, then gallop away upstage as Scene 6 ends and we transition to inside the castle...

Y O U N G FRANKENSTEIN - 3 3 -

5tay close to

d INGA'S

me 6 ends and

A C T O N E

S c e n e 7

^eb-Inside The Main Hall

Later the same night. Eerie MUSIC underscores.

SOUND: A clock strikes midnight.

The castle's Gothic-style Grand Hall. There is a huge fireplace as well as a life-sized portrait of Victor von Frankenstein hanging above the fireplace. There is also a book-filled bookcase. A fire bums in the fireplace while the vast room is illuminated by lighted candles in sconces.

FREDERICK is discovered standing near the bookcase, leafing through a handful of books. FRAU BLUCHER enters.


May I escort you to your bed chamber, Herr Doktor? Everyone else has long since retired for the night.

F R E D E R I C K

No, I believe I w i l l remain d o w n here and read for a l i t t le whi le longer.


As you wish . Dr. Fronkonschwein.

F R E D E R I C K

That's Fronken-Steen!


(together with FREDERICK)

- Steen!

F R E D E R I C K

Wil l you please t r y and get i t r ight , once and for al l .


Steen, yes. 1 v i l l never forget.

(pause)

Steen?

F R E D E R I C K Steen.

Steen F R A U B L U C H E R

Your grandfather, Victor, also often l iked to stay u p late reading.


F R E D E R I C K

(indicating the portrait above the fireplace)

Is that his portrait?


Ja. That is Victor.

F R E D E R I C K

Haridsome.


Ja, very handsome.

F R E D E R I C K

(indicating the books in his hand)

By the way, these books, they all seem rather general. ' H e i d i , " "Black Beauty," "The Kama Sutra." Where are m y Grandfather's medical books, his private library?


I don ' t k n o w what y o u mean, Herr Doktor.

F R E D E R I C K

Never m i n d . So, I ' l l retire o n m y o w n then. Good night .


V o u l d the Doktor care for a brandy whi le he is reading?

F R E D E R I C K

N'O , thank you .


Some v a r m milk? Perhaps?

F R E D E R I C K

N o , thank y o u very m u c h . That's very k i n d of y o u .


(after a long pause)

Oval tine?

F R E D E R I C K -

N o t h i n g ! Thank you .


I could r u n out for a grande soy macchiato? ^ ^ j .

F R E D E R I C K

I said nothing. N o t h i n g means nothing!

1

leauty," "The ibrary?



Then I v i l l say goodnight.

F R E D E R I C K

Goodnight Frau Blucher!

SOUND: Horses whinny as SHE exits up the stairs

(HE sits and picks up a book)

"It was f r o m the crest of a heather-covered hillside that y o u n g Rebecca first set eyes on Sunnybrook Farm."

FREDERICK yawns and falls asleep. We hear the SOUND of a wolf howling and see flashes of lightning followed by the SOUND of thunder. He awakens, frightened. VICTOR'S image melts from his portrait, and he reappears beneath his portrait, in

front of the fireplace.

Who are you? What do y o u want?

V I C T O R

1 am your grandfather, Victor von Frankenstein. H o w dare y o u , m y only l i v i n g relative, call yourself Fronkensteen!

F R E D E R I C K

I call myself Fronkensteen because I have no w i s h t o . . .

V I C T O R

Silence! M y beloved grandson, listen closely.

^7-Join The Family Business

W E ' V E B E E N T H E P R I D E O F R O M A N I A

S I N C E T W E L V E - O - O N E ,

P A S S E D O N F O R G E N E R A T I O N S ,

F A T H E R T O S O N ,

D E S C E N D E D F R O M G Y P S I E S ,

A S P R O U D A S W E C A N B E .

D O N ' T R I S K M Y C U R S E

I T C O U L D B E W O R S E

E M B R A C E Y O U R F A M ' L Y T R E E !

J O I N T H E F A M ' L Y B U S ' N E S S ,

L E A R N T H E F A M ' L Y T R A D E

M A K E Y O U R S E L F A M O N S T E R ,

M A K E T H E W O R L D A F R A I D !


( V I C T O R )

JOIN THE FAM'LY BUS'NESS,

YOU MUST TAKE THE FAM'LY NAME,

FOLLOW I N OUR FOOTSTEPS,

A N D YOU'LL W I N ETERNAL FAME!

THE ROQUEFORTS ARE CELEBRATED

FOR THEIR ROQUEFORT CHEESE,

THE ROTHSCHILDS ARE FAMOUS

FOR THEIR WINES,

HERSHEYS HAVE THEIR CHOC'LATES

A N D LIPTONS HAVE THEIR TEAS,

BUT W H E N IT COMES TO M A K I N G MONSTERS,

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE FRANKENSTEINS!


ROB A GRAVE OR TWO,

STOP THE SHOP FROM CLOSING,

IT A L L DEPENDS ON YOU!

UPHOLD THE FAM'LY HONOR,

YOU MUST TOE THE FAM'LY LINE,

JOIN THE FAM'LY BUS'NESS


JOIN THE FAMILY BUSINESS,

FOR YOUR N A M E IS FRANKENSTEIN!

Meet your fami ly !

The Grand Hall fills with mad scientists.

M E N

JOIN THE FAMILY BUSINESS,

FOR YOUR N A M E IS FRANKENSTEIN!

A L L


SHOW SOME FAM'LY PRIDE

M E N

MAKE YOURSELF A MONSTER...

W O M E N

A N D THEN YOU'LL MAKE HIS BRIDE!


V I C T O R

LISTEN TO YOUR GREAT, GREAT, GREAT

GRANDFATHER MORDECAI

M O R D E C A I


IF YOU DON'T W A N T TO DIE!

A L L

AS YOU KNOW PREDESTINATION

FROM THE DAY OF YOUR CREATION

HAS DETERMINED YOUR VOCATION

THAT'S A FACT.

M A D S C I E N T I S T # 1

BECAUSE YOU ARE A FRANKENSTEIN


YOU HAVE NO CHOICE


YOU CAN'T DECLINE


SO SHOW SOME SPINE

A L L

IT'S TIME TO SIGN

THE FAM'LY PACT.

break: Wild gypsy-like dancing.

THIS IS YOUR FATE

BECOME A FRANKENSTEIN

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

WE KNOW YOU WON'T REGRET IT,

YOU SHOULD EXPRESS YOUR WILLINGNESS

WHY NOT ACQUIESCE, REASSESS,

YOU'RE UNDER STRESS

V I C T O R

JUST RELAX A N D MAKE A SERUM

COME UP WITH A BRILLIANT THEOREM,

TAKE YOUR KNIFE, CREATE A LIFE

Y O U N G F R A N K E N S T E I N

A L L

IT A I N ' T N O FUSS!

Dance break: Extended and even wdder Frankenstein family dancing

V I C T O R

JOIN THE FAM'LY ENTERPRISE,

BEST BE PRUDENT,

BEST BE WISE!

TIME TO OPEN UP YOUR EYES


A L L

JOIN THE FAM'LY ENTERPRISE,

BEST BE PRUDENT,

BEST BE WISE!

TIME TO OPEN UP YOUR EYES

COME O N COME CLEAN

DON'T MAKE A SCENE

YOUR NAME'S NOT FRONKENSTEEN

JOIN THE FAMILY BUSINESS

LEARN THE FAMILY TRADE

MAKE YOURSELF A MONSTER

MAKE THE WORLD AFRAID

THIS IS ONE POSITION

THAT YOU NEVER C A N RESIGN

V I C T O R

DO NOT M A K E A FUSS,

THERE'S NOTHING TO DISCUSS

YOU MUST BE ONE OF US

A L L

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN!!

ALL exit except FREDERICK, once again alone and asleep in the armchair. VICTOR back in his portrait. FREDERICK stirs.

F R E D E R I C K

(talking in his sleep)

Family business... I gotta j o i n i t . . . Because I ' m a Frankenstein.. . But I ' m not a Frankenstein, I ' m not, I ' m not a...

(INGA enters down the staircase wearing a nightgown and a flimsy opened robe. SHE hurries to FREDERICK'S side.)


ir. VICTOR is

1 not a

I N G A

Dr. Fronkensteen! Dr. Fronkensteen, vake u p !

F R E D E R I C K

What? What is it?

I N G A

You were haff ing a nachtmare.

F R E D E R I C K

A nachtmare? I was! Oh, Inga, i t was terrible. M y ancestors... they were so crazy, they were so crazy.. . but boy could they dance!

# 7 r t - "Life, Life" Incidental

(we hear the SOUND of a violin playing "Life, Life" somewhere in the distance)

H m m . What is that strange music?

(going to a bookcase flanked on each side by a lighted candle in a wall sconce)

It seems to be coming f r o m behind this bookcase. Where is i t , where is it?

I N G A

Where is what?

F R E D E R I C K

The device. I n every cheapo horror movie there's always a h i d d e n device. A triggering mechanism.

(HE spots a book protruding far out from all the others in the bookcase)

Hello.

(HE yanks out the protruding hook; nothing happens)

H m m . Nothing .

(HE moves to one end of the bookcase)

Hand me that candle, w i l l you?

(INGA pulls the candle out of its sconce and at once the bookcase spins around with FREDERICK riding on it. FREDERICK disappears with the bookcase behind what is now a blank wall HE calls to INGA, from behind the bookcase)

Put... the... candle back!

(INGA puts the candle back in the sconce and the bookcase swings back into position with FREDERICK still off-stage behind it. HE calls to INGA, once again from behind the bookcase)

A l l right. I think 1 have it f igured i t out now. Take out the candle and I ' l l block the bookcase w i t h m y body.

- 40 - YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

(INGA pulls the candle out of the sconce again and the bookcase swings around with FREDERICK holding onto it and getting caught and squeezed between the side of the bookcase and the wall. HE speaks with much difficultly)


N o w I want you to listen to me very carefully. Don't put the candle back. W i t h all your might , shove the other side of the bookcase. Is that perfectly clear?

I N G A

(As candle is put down)

I sir\ so.

(INGA charges with all her force into the bookcase, spinning it around, leaving FREDERICK back in the room. INGA now disappears behind it.)

F R E D E R I C K

(now back in the room)

Good g i r l !

I N G A

(to FREDERICK, from behind the bookcase)

Put za candle... beck!

(FREDERICK picks up the candle and replaces it in the sconce, lifring it gingerly up and down as the bookcase swings around and stops halfway in its rotation, revealing a secret passageway behind it. INGA steps into sight.)

Look, Doktor , a h idden passagevay.

#7b The Hidden Passageway

F R E D E R I C K

Whatever that music is... it's coming f r o m i n there. I better take a look.

I N G A

O h , let me go w i t h you, Doktor . I 'm afraid to stay here alone.

F R E D E R I C K

A l l r ight then, close y o u r robe and fo l low me.

As they both disappear from sight. Scene 7 ends as the MUSIC of the violin continues under and we segue into...

141., r^ -dtt^ , ? '***

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

round with le side of the

k. W i t h all

ruing

ingerly up , reveaUng a

n continues

A C T O N E

S c e n e 8

The MUSIC from the violin continues in near total darkness, except for the candle light from FREDERICK and INGA, illuminating them as they descend a staircase

I N G A

Where are we?

F R E D E R I C K

Who knows? But wherever that music is, it's somewhere nearby.

As INGA is clinging close to FREDERICK, a rat scuttles across their path. INGA loudly screams.

I N G A

Vat vas zat!?

F R E D E R I C K

Don't be frightened, i t was just a rat. Just a sl imy, f i l thy , disgusting rat.

I N G A

Oh, sank goodness.

FREDERICK comes across another candle in a sconce on the wall. He pauses to light it and sees a row of skulls on a shelf.

F R E D E R I C K

Good L o r d , where the devi l are we?

IGOR's head appears alongside the skulls.

I G O R

(singing)

I AIN'T GOT NOBODY...

F R E D E R I C K

Igor!

I G O R

Froderick!

I N G A

You frightened me. H o w d i d you get here?

I G O R

I heard the strangest music upstairs and just fo l lowed i t d o w n .


I N G A

Zen i t vasn't you playing zat violin?

I G O R

N o , 1 play only the French horn .

I N G A

So zere must haf been somebody else d o w n here.

F R E D E R I C K

Aren ' t there any lights i n this place?

I G O R

There's a nasty looking switch over here. But there might be the danger, master, of instant electrocution. You t r y i t .

F R E D E R I C K

A l l r ight , here goes nothing.

HE throws the switch. There is a flash of sparks and a crackling sound as the lights come on brightly illuminating the dusty old laboratory. We hear the SOUND of wolves howling in the distance.

So this is where it all happened. M y grandfather's laboratory, historic setting of his legendary experiments. What a f i l t h y mess!

I G O R

O h , I don' t k n o w . A litt le paint , some drapes, a few flowers, a couple of t h r o w p i l l o w s . . .

F R E D E R I C K

(noticing a table on which a lighted cigar is still burning in the ashtray next to a violin)

Hello , what have we here?

(seeing the violin)

So this explains the music.

I N G A

(touching the violin)

It's s t i l l varm.

F R E D E R I C K

A n d look! A cigar, st i l l smoldering i n the ashtray. Someone, or something, was just here!

HE senses a presence behind the drawn curtain in the alcove; HE yanks the curtain aside to reveal FRAU BLUCHER standing on a couch

Frau Blucher!

SOUND: Horses whinny

;r, master, of

s the lights 'JND of wolves

setting of his

ing, was just

the curtain

V o u j v G F R A N K E N S T E I N - 4 3


Yessss! I am zat somesing or someone!

)f throw

text to a violin)

- H e My Boyfriend

F R E D E R I C K

A n d that music! Then i t was you playing this v i o l i n !


(crossing to the table)

Yessss! Musik that reaches the soul vhen vords are useless. Your grandfather used to play zat exact same tune to soothe the creatures he created.

SHE picks up violin

F R E D E R I C K

A n d you played i t to lead us d o w n here to his laboratory!


Yessss!

F R E D E R I C K

A n d so that was your cigar sti l l smoldering i n the ashtray!


Yessss!

F R E D E R I C K

Then you were not just his housekeeper.


Yessss!

F R E D E R I C K

Then you and Victor were. . .


Yes! Yes! Say i t ! Say i t ! H e . . . vas. . . m y . . . boy fr iend!

F R E D E R I C K , I G O R & I N G A

(together)

He vas your boy friend?!

F R A U B L U C H E R Yesss!

LOVE COMES V H E N YOU LEAST SUSPECT IT,

LOVE DANCES I N ON A W H I M ,

- 4 4 - Y o UN G FRANKENSTEIN

I THOUGHT MAYBE I COULD DIRECT IT,

BUT I NEVER EXPECTED...

A GUY LIKE H I M .

( F R A U B L U C H E R )

HE VAS A BULLY U N D A BRUTE,

HE VAS AS CRAZY AS A COOT,

STILL 1 DIDN'T GIVE A HOOT,

HE VAS MY BOY FRIEND!

WITH EV'RY V O M A N HE VOULD FLIRT,

HE ALVAYS TREATED ME LIKE DIRT,

BUT I VAS HAPPY TO BE HURT,

HE VAS MY BOY FRIEND.

I VAS AS PURE AS A VIRGIN MEADOW,

LYING W r i H VICTOR I N THE GLOAM,

THEN HE TURNED TO ME, THAT CHARMER,

WHISPERED, "LET'S PLAY FARMER,"

A N D PLOWED ME 'TIL THE COWS CAME HOME!

I G O R

This is a lot of information.


HE VAS A MONSTER A N D A BEAST,

HIS MIDNIGHT BANGINGS NEVER CEASED,

j IT DIDN'T FAZE ME I N THE LEAST,



I'll never forget the f irst t ime I met Victor. I t vas on the village green, at the annual bock beer festival, where every beer costs a bock. I vas an irmocent young lamb and he vas a d i r ty o l d goat. Ve vere made for each other. A l l of a sudden, he took out his paraphernalia and shouted, "Let's play croquet!," and off to the f ield ve vent. He carried his hoops and mallets and I carried his balls. What a festival! Fun and games al l day long. Archery, badminton , potato sack. Victor w o n the three-legged race... all by himself. I t vas love at first sight.

HE VAS THE ONE W H O I GAVE MY HEART TO,

BUT VE NEVER WED EVEN SO,

IF I MENTIONED WEDLOCK

HE'D PUT ME I N A HEADLOCK!

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN - 45

V H E N I ASKED TO BE HIS WIFE,

HE STABBED ME WITH A KITCHEN KNIFE,

A C H , WHERE DID THE GOOD TIMES GO?

( F R A U B L U C H E R )

IF HE H A D A N ANGRY FIT,

I VAS THE FIRST THING THAT HE'D HIT,

BUT I DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT...


Yes!

(Grabbing a large book and giving it to FREDERICK)

Here, Victor's book! Read i t and see h o w the dead can be brought back to life!

F R E D E R I C K

Please, you don't really th ink that anyone could actually. . .


Think? I k n o w ! I saw i t vis m y o w n eyes. A n d i t is all there i n Victor's book.

(offering him a chair)

Here sit. Read.

F R E D E R I C K

(reading aloud from the book)

" H o w I D i d I t ! " by Victor Frar\kenstein. Ridiculous. " A s I began m y experiments, I came to realize that creating life after death w o u l d be di f f i cu l t but w i t h a l itt le luck I could make it w o r k . " Preposterous!

itSa-Victor's Book

it the annual m g lamb and le took out his e vent. He un and games gged race... all

(LIGHTS go down and come up on INGA, IGOR and FRAU BLUCHER, bored, having tea and sandwiches)

H m m . . . Wait a minute . . . electrical s t imul i of the bra in . . . yes... I see...

(LIGHTS again go down and come up on INGA, IGOR and FRAU BLUCHER playing cards; FRAU BLUCHER shouts, "Go Fish!")

"Change the poles f r o m plus to minus and f r o m minus to p lus . " Of course!

(LIGHTS again go down, come up on INGA, IGOR, FRAU BLUCHER playing Bingo; IGOR shouts, "1-271")

"After years of ceaseless labor, I alone had succeeded i n discovering the secret of bestowing life, nay. . .

(INGA, IGOR and FRAU BLUCHER turn downstage to FREDERICK)

-.even more, I myself became capable of bestowing animat ion u p o n lifeless matter."


I t . . . c o u l d . . . w o r k !



It could! A n d i t must ! A n d y o u are the only man alive w h o can do i t !

I G O R

You are. Master!

I N G A

Ja, they're r ight , dar l ing, u h , I mean Doctor!

^8b~"The Brain" - Reprise

F R E D E R I C K

I don ' t k n o w . 1 don't k n o w . A m I really going to attempt it? Yes, I am! First things first. Igor . . .

I G O R

Yes, Master!

F R E D E R I C K

WE HAVE GOT TO FIND A BRAIN!

A BRAIN OF SOMEONE WHO WAS GOOD A N D K I N D ,

A BRILLIANT M I N D , BUT SANE! I want you to get me the brain of the late Hans Delbruck, one of Europe's greatest thinkers a scholar and a saint!

I G O R

I k n o w exactly where to f i n d i t , master!

F R E D E R I C K

Good! A n d once we have the brain, w h a t is i t m y grandfather wrote?

(turning back to the hook and reading aloud)

A h , yes, here! "...as the tininess of h u m a n parts were a great hindrance to the speed of m y w o r k , I decided, therefore, to make the creature of a gigantic stature." Of course, that w o u l d s i m p l i f y everything.

I N G A

I n uzzer vords. Doctor, his feet, his hands, his organs v o u l d all have to be of a great size.

F R E D E R I C K

Exactly.

I N G A

He v o u l d have an enormous schwanzstucker.


F R E D E R I C K

(after a beat)

That goes w i t h o u t saying. I N G A

Woof!

I G O R

He's going to be very popular.

F R E D E R I C K

So, we ' l l need a body about seven feet i n height, newly dead, w i t h all of its vital organs sti l l intact. Where could w e ever f i n d such a gigantic corpse?

I G O R

Trust i n me, master.

SOUND of THUNDER and flashes of LIGHTNING. A silk drops, on which is projected the shadowy figure of a giant-sized 7-foot man being hanged on a gallows in the midst of a stormy night. SOUND: A creaking, swinging rope. The dead body swings blood-chillingly back and forth. The silk flies and we transition into


A C T O N E

S c e n e 9

The Town Hall. A few nights later. Only the MALE VILLAGERS, ZIGGY and KEMP are on hand. No women.


I can feel i t i n m y bones! There's something very w r o n g going o n i n that castle.


They're u p to no good, I tell you .

The VILLAGERS begin speaking at once, their voices rising.

K E M P

W a i t wai t ! Let's not r u s h to j u d g m e n t

V I L L A G E R S

A w w w w !

K E M P

O h , what the hel l ! Just this once, let's rush to judgment !

V I L L A G E R S

Yay!!!

K E M P

1 think it is about time w e pay a vis i t on this young Frankenstein. We ' l l pretend to be welcoming h i m to Transylvania but instead w e ' l l be d o i n g some serious world-class snooping!

# 9 - T/ie Law

A n d so, we must all keep our ears open and our eyes peeled for any strange or suspicious goings on here i n the village itself, and be especially on the look-out for. . .

During the following, unnoticed by KEMP and all VILLAGERS except ZIGGY, we see through an upstage window of the Town Hall the cloaked figures of IGOR and FREDERICK, each carrying a lantern, pulling a cart on which rests a giant corpse.

ZIGGY, however, facing the upstage window sees all that is going on but simply smiles and cheerfully waves at IGOR.

. . .an enormous cart w i t h creaking wheels, perhaps. Carry ing a giant freshly dug-up corpse... or a cart that could be i l luminated by the s w i n g i n g lanterns of a pair of cloaked grave robbers.

(IGOR, FREDERICK and the cart have now exited)

Or something like that. Y o u k n o w what 1 mean.

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

'GGY and KEMP

that castle.

e'll pretend to be ous world-class

strange or le look-out for. . .

H ZIGGY, we see OR and giant corpse.

out simply smiles

- 4 9 -

V I L L A G E R S

Yeah! K E M P

In any event, m y fellow villagers, i f we catch them d o i n g anything evil u p there, remember our new l a w . . .

K E M P & T H E V I L L A G E R S

ANY M A N WHO CREATES A MONSTER

THAT HARMS A SINGLE HAIR O N A PERSON'S HEAD,

SHALL BE HUNG BY THE NECK UNTIL THAT M A N IS DEAD!

End of Scene 9 as we transition into...

freshly dug-up ; of a pair of

- 5 0 - YouNG FRANKENSTEIN

A C T O N E

S c e n e 1 0

Lights up on IGOR, carrying a glass jar containing a brain. He almost drops it. but recovers. There is a crash of THUNDER. He again almost drops it, but once more recovers. He spies a coin at his feet and as he bends over to pick it up. the brain tumbles out of the jar and onto the ground, where he steps on it. Realizing he has ruined it, he picks it up and exits.

#9a~The Laboratory Redux

Returning with a new one, he now enters the restored laboratory, where the MONSTER lies on a table. FREDERICK accepts the brain from IGOR and finishes the transplant. INGA and FRAU BLUCHER assist

F R E D E R I C K

(as HE sews the last stitch in the MONSTER'S head)

There! Finished! His br i l l iant new brain is n o w i n place. H a ha. . . !

I G O R

(laughing along with FREDERICK)

Ha, ha. . . !

FREDERICK slaps IGOR on the back

F R E D E R I C K

(Realizing the hump has moved.)

Wait a minute, wasn't that h u m p o n the r ight . . . ?

I G O R

What?

F R E D E R I C K

Your hump? Wasn't it o n the r ight side.. . never m i n d .

#11-Life, Life-Part 1

So let us n o w proceed to attempt one of the most dar ing and radical experiments i n the history of medical science.


The storm is directly over us. We must h u r r y . To y o u r stations.


Igor?

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN - 51 -

imps it, hut once more

e brain tumbles % ; ruined it, he ..M

i n

I G O R

F R E D E R I C K

I G O R

Yes, master?

Generator on , please.

Yes, master, generator on.

F R E D E R I C K

,Now, release the safety valve o n the m a i n wheel .

I G O R

|Yes, master, releasing!



Oh Victor, Victor! We're doing i t , we're doing i t !

itlla-Life, Life-Part 2

F R E D E R I C K

So, now we h u r l the gauntlet of science into the f r i g h t f u l face of Death itself!

L I F E , L I F E , L E T M Y C R E A T U R E L I V E ,

L I F E , L I F E , I T ' S L I F E T H A T Y O U M U S T G I V E !

F A T E , F A T E , T H R O U G H T H E S T O R M A N D S T R I F E ,

F A T E , F A T E , G I V E M Y C R E A T U R E L I F E !

T E A R T H E N I G H T A S U N D E R ,

C A S T Y O U R L I G H T U P O N T H E D A R K ,

THE L I G H T N I N G B O L T S A N D T H U N D E R ,

W I L L I G N I T E A M O R T A L S P A R K !

F R E D E R I C K , I N G A , I G O R & F R A U B L U C H E R

L I F E , L I F E , E R E THE B R E A K O F D A W N ,

L I F E , L I F E , L E T M Y D R E A M B E B O R N !

F A T E , F A T E , T H R O U G H T H I S S T O R M A N D S T R I F E ,

F A T E , F A T E , G I V E M Y / T H E C R E A T U R E L I F E !

F R E D E R I C K

G I V E M Y C R E A T U R E L I F E !

- 5 2 - Y O U N G F R A N K E N S T E I N

#llb-Life, Life-Part 3


This is i t ! Igor, throw the f irst switch!

I G O R

Yes, master!

IGOR throws the first switch and the stage right tower begins a slowly increasing display of flashing and crackling lights, mixed in with the MUSIC and the SOUND of thunder claps and flashes of LIGHTNING in the sky above.

F R E D E R I C K

LIFE, LIFE, GIVE MY CREATURE LIFE

GIVE MY CREATURE LIFE!

N o w , t h r o w the second switch!

I G O R

Yes, master!

IGOR throws the second switch and the lights on the stage left tower become even wilder.

I N G A , I G O R , F R A U B L U C H E R

GIVE THE CREATURE LIFE!

F R E D E R I C K

TEAR THE NIGHT ASUNDER,

CAST YOUR LIGHT UPON THE DARK,

THE LIGHTNING BOLTS A N D THUNDER,

WILL IGNITE A MORTAL SPARK


N o w , Igor . . . throw the t h i r d switch!

I G O R

(shouting in terror)

N o t . . . the t h i r d switch!

F R E D E R I C K

Yes, the t h i r d switch! T h r o w i t , d a m n you , throw i t !

I G O R

Yes, master!

IGOR throws the third switch.


increasing the SOUND of

xome even

F R E D E R I C K

Inga, now!

INGA pushes a large red button that starts the platform on which FREDERICK is standing next to the MONSTER to slowly elevate. The platform rises almost all the way to the top of the proscenium.

F R E D E R I C K

G I V E M E L I F E E R E T H E B R E A K O F

D A W N ,

L E T M Y D R E A M B E B O R N !

B E B O R N ! T H R O U G H T H E S T O R M A N D S T R I F E ,

T H R O U G H T H E W I N D S W E P T A I R ,

L I S T E N T O M Y P R A Y E R

S T I R H I S B R A I N , L E T B R E A T H I N G

S T A R T

L E T M E H E A R H I S B E A T I N G H E A R T .

G I V E M Y C R E A T U R E L I F E !

I N G A , I G O R , F R A U B L U C H E R

L I F E , L I F E , ' E R E T H E B R E A K O F D A W N

L I F E , L I F E , L E T T H I S D R E A M B E B O R N !

F A T E , F A T E ,

T H R O U G H T H I S S T O R M A N D S T R I F E ,

F A T E , FATE,

T H R O U G H T H E W I N D S W E P T A I R ,

L I S T E N T O H I S P R A Y E R

S T I R I T S B R A I N , L E T B R E A T H I N G S T A R T

L E T H I M H E A R H I S B E A T I N G H E A R T .

G I V E T H E C R E A T U R E L I F E !

The flashing lights and sounds reach their peak. Then silence as MUSIC and SOUND stops.

F R E D E R I C K

(calling from above)

Igor! Turn everything off and br ing me d o w n !

I G O R

Yes, master!

All the power having been blown, IGOR cranks the table down by hand. Slowly it descends to the laboratory floor as FREDERICK pounds on the MONSTER's chest, then listens for a heartbeat.

F R E D E R I C K

(defeated)

Nothing. Nothing . N o t a sign. N o t a spark. I 've fai led. Ut ter ly failed!

I G O R

Sorry, master.


1 don't get i t . I t always w o r k e d for Victor. A n d he couldn' t even sing.

I N G A

Oh, Doctor, I feel so bad for you .

Y O U N G F R A N K E N S T E I N

F R E D E R I C K

N o , no, be of good cheer, al l of you . I f science teaches us anything, it's to accept our failures as w e l l as our successes... w i t h quiet digruty and grace.

(HE gently touches the head of the monster,tums away, starts to leave hut then turns hack, and begins angrily choking the monster's throat)

Son-of-a-bitch bastard! W h y have you done this to me?! W h y have you done this to me?!

I N G A

Doctor, stop, y o u ' l l k i l l h i m !

I G O R

A n d he's not even alive.

F R E D E R I C K

(breaking down, sobbing)

I don ' t want to live! I don' t want to l ive! I don ' t want to l ive!

INGA and FRAU BLUCHER lead the sobbing FREDERICK toward the staircase

I G O R

(remaining at the table)

Quiet d igni ty and grace.

# l l c - The Monster Awakes

THEY all begin to make their way up the staircase, when, still strapped to the operating table. The MONSTER emits a low moan.

M O N S T E R

M M M . . .

(A beat or two and then HE moans again, louder.)

M M M M M M !

Another beat of silence and then FREDERICK, INGA, IGOR and FRAU BLUCHER, stop on the staircase and look back.

I N G A

What was that?


(as THEY listen and hear nothing)

N u z z i n g . I heard nuzzing.

I G O R

Same here.

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN - S B -

's to accept our

but then turns

ou done this to me?i

he staircase

i to the operating

\U BLUCHER,

Must have been our imagination.

F R E D E R I C K

I N G A

Ja, just. . . v ishful sinking.

The MONSTER moans even louder.

M O N S T E R

MROWRRR!


Vishful s inking m y ass! Look!

THEY all rush to the MONSTER

F R E D E R I C K

It's alive! It's aUve!! He's aU-iiiii-ve!!! M y o w n creation!

I N G A

Oh Doktor, Doktor! You've done i t ! I could kiss y o u !

I G O R

So could I !

F R E D E R I C K

Not noy^', please. Stand back! A l l of you please stand back!

(to the MONSTER)

Hello there. Don ' t w o r r y . We're your friends.

(the MONSTER moans; in an aside to INGA)

Is the sedative ready?

I N G A

(holding up a hypodermic needle)

Yes, Doctor.

F R E D E R I C K

That's good.

(to the MONSTER)

Would you l ike us to set you free?

(the MONSTER makes a sound indicating he'd indeed very much like to be set free)

A l l right, then w e are going to set y o u free.

I G O R

(shaking while trying to hold a cigarette)

I m not nervous about this. A r e y o u nervous about this? I ' m not nervous about this.

- 5 6 - Y O U N G FRANKENSTEIN

The MONSTER continues making sounds as FREDERICK undoes the straps that hind him to the table.

F R E D E R I C K

(to the MONSTER)

There. N o w , I want y o u . . . to sit . . . up .

Continuing to make sounds, the MONSTER slowly pulls himself up into a sitting position on the table. The exertion, however, causes him to make a loud scary sound.

M O N S T E R

ROWRRR!

IGOR and INGA shriek and jump back in terror while FRAU BLUCHER calmly takes it all in stride.

F R E D E R I C K

(trying to remain calm)

Easy. Good. N o w , stand o n your feet.

The MONSTER struggles to stand but can't

You can do i t . Don' t t r y to k i d a kidder .

Making sounds and with a great effort, the MONSTER gets teeteringly to his feet

Excellent! N o w . . . w a l k !

I N G A

Doctor, I ' m frightened!

I G O R

You're frightened? I ' m terrif ied.


Not me. Feels like o l d times.

F R E D E R I C K

(to the MONSTER as HE helps him walk)

Good. That's good. That's a very good boy.

IGOR takes out a cigarette and strikes a match to light it, terrifying the MONSTER.

What is it? What's wrong?

The MONSTER begins choking FREDERICK

Quick, give h i m the. . . Quick, give h i m the. . .

I G O R

What? Give h i m the what?


The MONSTER continues choking FREDERICK, who has to communicate with INGA, IGOR and FRAU BLUCHER by gestures of his hands; thus they fall into a desperate game of charades.

( I G O R )

Oh, I get i*^- Charades! Three syllables! First syllable, sounds l i k e . . .

I N G A

(as FREDERICK touches his head)

Head! U h , sounds Hke head! Bed, red, u h . . .


Dead?

I N G A

Said...

I G O R

Said!


(as FREDERICK nods "yes")

Second syllable.. . Litt le v o r d . . .

I G O R , I N G A , F R A U B L U C H E R

(searching)

Ah...?

(FREDERICK nods "yes'at this sound; triumphant)

Ah! ! !

I N G A

Third syllable?

I G O R

(HE tries again as FREDERICK continues to gesture.)

No, no! The whole th ing! The whole thing! I got i t ! 1 got i t ! F ly ing d o w n to Rio.

FREDERICK and the MONSTER briefly stop and stare, perplexed. Then continue.

F R A U B L U C H E R Give?

I G O R

Said-a-give?

I N G A

Sedative! Give h i m the sedative!


INGA runs around behind the MONSTER and sticks the hypodermic needle in his posterior.

M O N S T E R

Ooooooooh!!

The MONSTER is knocked out by the sedative. They all help place him back onto the table,

F R E D E R I C K

Flying d o w n to Rio!

I G O R

Sorry, master.

I N G A

O h , Doctor, are y o u cdl right?

F R E D E R I C K

Yes, I ' m fine, F m fine. Secure his straps, please.

I N G A

Yes, Doktor.

F R E D E R I C K

N o w , Igor?

I G O R

Yes?

F R E D E R I C K

(fls HE grabs two chairs)

M a y I have a w o r d w i t h y o u , please?

I G O R

Yes, Master. I always have time for you .

F R E D E R I C K

Sit d o w n , w o n ' t you?

I G O R

Thank you.

HE sits on the floor

F R E D E R I C K

N o , no . . . on the chair.

I G O R

(as HE sits in the chair next to FREDERICK)

Thank you!

Y O U N G F R A N K E N S T E I N - 5 9 -

F R E D E R I C K

NoW/ Igor - . that brain that y o u brought me, was i t the brain of the late Hans Delbruck, a scholar and a saint?

I G O R

Not exactly. N o , I dropped his brain all splat on the floor, so I took another one. Anyway, Herr Delbruck's brain was small, had too many ridges on i t . I got a way better one, twice as big , smoove, not a w r i n k l e on i t .

F R E D E R I C K

A h , good. N o w we're getting somewhere. So could y o u tel l me whose brain I d i d put in?

I G O R

You won' t be angry i f I tell you?

F R E D E R I C K

I w i l l not . . . be... angry.

I G O R

Abby somebody.

F R E D E R I C K

Abby somebody. A b b y who?

I G O R

Abby normal.

F R E D E R I C K

Abby normal?

I G O R

I 'm almost sure that was the name.

F R E D E R I C K

Are you tell ing me that I p u t an abnormal brain i n t o an almost seven-foot-tall, foiu--foot-wide gorilla?

(HE grabs IGOR and begins choking him)

Is that what you're tel l ing me!

INGA and FRAU BLUCHER rush to break them apart.

SOUND: We hear the sound of someone banging the upstairs knockers. They all freeze.

(his hands still choking IGOR )

What's that?

I N G A

It's someone upstairs at the f ront door!


It must be the villagers.


F R E D E R I C K

D a m m i t ! We cannot let t h e m i n . We must h u r r y .

(He lets go of IGOR and heads up the stairs, pllcrwed by INGA and IGOR)

We have to quickly change our clothes so as to not look like we've been w o r k i n g i n the laboratory.

# 1 3 d H e Vas My Boy friend Reprise

Igor?

Yes, master?

A r e y o u hurt?

I G O R

F R E D E R I C K

I G O R

O n l y m y feelings.

FREDERICK, INGA and IGOR exit, leaving FRAU BLUCHER alone on stage with the strapped-down and sedated MONSTER.


(singing to the MONSTER)

THEY SAY YOU'RE EVIL BUT THEY'RE WRONG,

I WILL PROTECT YOU FROM THE THRONG,

MY VICTOR KNEW IT ALONG. . .

I v ish y o u could have k n o w n h i m . . .


End of Scene 10 and we segue into...


A C T O N E

S c e n e 1 1

^ll^Vslelcome To Transylvania

Castle courtyard KEMP, ZIGGY and VILLAGERS are gathered. KEMP joins in singing with a VILLAGE QUARTET. FREDERICK enters with INGA and IGOR.

V I L L A G E Q U A R T E T

WELCOME TO TRANSYLVANIA,

WE'RE VERY HAPPY THAT YOU'RE HERE!

WELCOME TO TRANSYLVANIA,

WE GREET YOU W I T H A MIGHTY CHEER!

Chalujnik!

K E M P

WE'RE CONSIDERED BOTH

A DEATH A N D A TOURIST TRAP

A L L F I V E

THANKS TO A L L THE FRANKENSTEINS,

B A S S

SO...

V I L L A G E Q U A R T E T

WELCOME TO TRANSYLVANIA

- K E M P

THOUGH VAMPIRES SUCK YOUR BLOOD AT NIGHT,

A N D WEREWOLVES PROWL I N THE PALE MOONLIGHT,

A L L F I V E

A N D ZOMBIES HAVE A TENDENCY TO ROAM,

IT'S THE PLACE THAT WE HUMBLY CALL HOME!

? TRANSYLVANIA!

F R E D E R I C K

Ah, thank y o u . That was del ight ful .

K E M P

And we are delighted to be, shall I say, Herr Doktor , your velcome vagon.

V I L L A G E R S Yeah!


K E M P

So, I ' m feeling a bit of a chi l l out here tonight.

The VILLAGERS agree and suddenly appear to be cold, shaking and rubbing their shoulders to stay warm

M a y we come in?

F R E D E R I C K

N o .

K E M P

W h y not?

F R E D E R I C K

Because it 's the maid's day off and the castle is a f r i g h t f u l mess.

I N G A & I G O R

(seconding FREDERICK)

It's a f r i g h t f u l mess.

M O N S T E R

(a loud moan from inside the laboratory)

Oooooooooh!

K E M P

What was that?

F R E D E R I C K

What was what? I d i d n ' t hear anything.

M O N S T E R

(another loud moan)

Ooooooooh!

K E M P

That time I definitely heard something.

F R E D E R I C K

N o , you d i d n ' t .

(quickly aside to IGOR)

The Monster's awake! We've got to come u p w i t h some sort of diversion, and quick before.. .

#13 -Traitsylvania Mania


M O N S T E R

(another loud moan)

Oooooooooh!

I G O R

(grabbing the concertina and accompanying himself)

OOOOOOOOH...

FORGET ABOUT THE FOX TROT,

THROW AWAY THE WALTZ,

TAKE A W A Y THE TWO-STEP

A N D A L L THAT OTHER SCHMALTZ

M O N S T E R

(a loud cry)

AhrrTrrrrrrr !

I G O R

ARE YOU READY FOR WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON?

M O N S T E R

(another loud sound from the laboratory)

l i i i i i i i h h h h h !

I G O R

IT'S A DOOZY, MAKES YA WOOZY,

IT'S THE NEW PHENOMENON!

(as HE tosses aside the concertina and MUSIC from the pit takes over)

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE MANIA?

IF NOT THEN LET ME EXPLAIN-IA,

YES, SIR, IT'S THE TRANSYLVANIA M A N I A !

WHETHER YOU'RE I N RURITANIA,

OR A DANCE H A L L I N ALBANIA,


EV'RYBODY WHO'S BEEN VIEWIN' IT,

CAN'T RESIST ITS APPEAL,

EV'RYBODY'S OUT THERE D O I N ' IT,

MILLIONAIRE A N D SCHLEMIEL!


( I G O R )

SO JOIN THE FUN, LET'S A L L BE Z A N I A H . . .

EVEN LITHS I N L I T H U A N I A . . .

LOVE IT, IT'S THE LATEST RAGE!

LOSE THE BLUES A N D DON'T COMPLAIN-IA,

HIT THE DANCE FLOOR, FEEL NO PAIN-IA

LOVE IT, DO THE TRANSYLVANIA M A N I A !

F R E D E R I C K

JUST ACCEPT IT, DON'T REFRAIN-IA

I N G A

DON'T RESIST, IT'S ALL I N V A I N - I A

I G O R

COME O N KIDS, LET'S RAISE SOME CAIN-IA

F R E D E R I C K , I N G A & I G O R

YES, SIR, YES, SIR, IT'S THE LATEST CRAZE!

Dance break as ALL join in singing and dancing "The Transylvania Mania.

M O N S T E R

(a series of loud moans)

A H H !

A H H I

A H H !

A L L

(singing along)

A H H !

F R E D E R I C K

IT'S A CHERRY PIE WITHOUT THE PITS

I N G A

IT'S A WEEKEND SPENT I N BIARRITZ

I G O R

IT'S A L L THE RAGE WITH THE FRENCH A N D BRITS

A L L

THE TRANSYLVANIA M A N I A !


F R E D E R I C K

IT'S THE NEWEST QUIP FROM ALGONQUIN WITS

I N G A

IT'S THE W I N N I N G HORSE THAT NEVER QUITS

I G O R

IT'S THE PAPRIKASH WITH A N ICE COLD SCHLITZ

A L L

DO THE TRANSYLVANIA M A N I A !


F R E D E R I C K , I N G A & I G O R

IT'S SOUTHERN FRIED WITH A SIDE OF GRITS

V I L L A G E R G R O U P 1

IT'S BAPTISTS!

V I L L A G E R G R O U P 2

JEWS A N D

V I L L A G E R S

JESUITS!

I N G A & I G O R

IT'S A N ETUDE FLAYED BY HOROWITZ

F R E D E R I C K

ITS IRVING BERLIN'S "PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ"!

M O N S T E R

(again from inside the castle)

A h h ! A h h !

Trying once more to cover, IGOR grabs his French horn and plays.

Dance break as IGOR continues to play

A L L


KEMP!

KEMP dances while the other VILLAGERS cheer him on.


Dance break continues.

6 - Y O U N G FRANKENSTEIN

( A L L )

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE M A N I A ?

IF NOT THEN LET ME EXPLAIN-IA,


RICH A N D POOR ARE ALL SOFT-SHOE-ING IT,

I N HOTELS OR HUTS,

EVEN DOGS ARE BUSY DOIN' IT,

PEDIGREED A N D MUTTS!

ALL THE DEVILS I N TASMANIA

SHAKE THEIR TAILS A N D GO INSANE-IA

LOVE IT, IT'S THE LATEST RAGE!

F R E D E R I C K , I N G A , I G O R & W O M E N

GRAB A STEAMSHIP OR A PLANE-IA

TO THE HEART OF OLD ROMANIA

A L L

LOVE IT, YEAH, YOU GOTTA LOVE IT

DO THE TRANSYLVANIA M A N I - A A H H . . . . !

The MONSTER comes crashing through the castle doors, terrifying the VILLAGERS.


(entering from the castle)

I set h i m free! He's not bad, he's good!

ZIGGY approaches the MONSTER, torch in hand

M O N S T E R

(angered by the fire)

ROWRRR!

ALL SCREAM. FREDERICK tries to calm the MONSTER, but is tossed to the ground. Villagers try and stop him, but the MONSTER breaks free and now steps off the stage and escapes into the audience. FRAU BLUCHER runs to follow him, but is held back by IGOR

M E N

A H , A H H , A H H . . .

A H , A H H , A H H . . .


F R E D E R I C K

(watching his MONSTER rampaging into the night)

What have I done? What have I done?

A L L


CURTAIN

E N D O F A C T O N E

M E N

A H H . . .

A H H . . .

VILLAGERS.

'.ed to the I now steps off rw him, but is


A C T T W O S c e n e 1

#14-Entr'acte

The ENTR'ACTE ends and the CURTAIN rises. SOUND of a WEREWOLF is heard. IGOR is in the forest, looking for the MONSTER. THE VILLAGERS, led by INSPECTOR KEMP, also race about in pursuit of the MONSTER.

#15-He's Loose

I G O R

Where are y o u , you b ig u g l y brute!

As IGOR searches, he and the MONSTER cross paths, both unaware of the other.

T H R E E S O L O V I L L A G E R S

H E ' S L O O S E !

H E ' S L O O S E !

H E ' S L O O S E , H E ' S L O O S E , H E ' S L O O S E !


H E ' S L O O S E !

H E ' S L O O S E !

H E ' S L O O S E !

I G O R

(screaming as he exits, escaping a group of VILLAGERS)

A g h h h !

K E M P

T H E Y R E L E A S E D A H O R R O R ,

T H E Y R E L E A S E D A F R I G H T !

L U R K I N G I N T H E D A R K N E S S ,

W A I T I N G I N T H E N I G H T !

F O R T H I S A C T O F M A D N E S S

T H E R E I S N O E X C U S E !

D O N ' T Y O U S E E , H E I S F R E E

T H E V I L L A G E R S


Y O U N G F R A N K E N S T E I N - 6 9 -

K E M P

H E W I L L S A C K O U R V I L L A G E ,

H E W I L L B R E A K O U R B A C K S !

H E W I L L R A P E A N D P I L L A G E ,

S T O P H I M I N H I S T R A C K S !


C A T C H H I M B Y T H E N E C K

P U T I T I N A N O O S E !

C A N ' T Y O U S E E ,

H E I S F R E E !

H E ' S L O O S E !

H E ' S L O O S E !

H E ' S L O O S E !

FRAU BLUCHER crosses, playing her violin and calling out for the MONSTER before she exits


Here, Creature! I w o n ' t h u r t y o u !


S E A R C H T

Young Frankenstein script

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Transcript of Young Frankenstein script