y-humor

The Yellow Issue1/4/2011

Vol. 1#4

2 The Yellow IssueHumour

April. A month of nail biting finishes, wasn't it? What with the world cup and all, the whole country was wrapped up and is yet to come out. But with all the high profile last minute wins, there was one behind the scenes win that no one witnessed. As of this writing, 11:30 on the 31st of March, the Yellow issue is complete, and my friend Porky the Parrot says it's good. Really good.

The changes. Tons of them. In every form, colour and smell. 1. Top ten gets its limbs chopped to become top 5. For-give us, we were hungry and we love limbs.

2. The battle this time - in the blue corner Batman and in the red corner Bear Grylls. Winner takes all. And some more.

3. New section at thy service – Epigram Recommends. Things we have seen, read and heard and feel that you should too. Or die.

4. Epigram Salutes get shortened by half to Person and Event. We like half torsos, you see.

We have also stuck to some things. The HR-Director, Kaus-tubh Shakkarwar, is still hanging around for good. Most of our sections are still in one piece. And none of us are dead. Yet.

From The Desk

3The Yellow Issue Humour

These are changes which are going on in candle scented halls, discussions that may lead to changes in the world as we know it. The stars are going to align, and things are changing. Feel the atmosphere, rife with tension that you can cut with a knife.Good times are here.

A Saahil Dama, Ishan Dabri, Krushna Dande production.

HUMOUR


Contributors

1. Pictorial Damnation - Soham Sabale

2. Epigram At The Oscars - Saahil Dama



"Oh my! Look at the awesome colour palette and the stark contrast. This is in-deed a nice photograph, Henri." "Thanks man." "Hey Soham, look at these pictures Henri Cartier-Bresson took of the snail here. Awesome aren’t they?" "Yeah. Right" "What’s that hideously large thing in your hand, Henri?" "My Canon EOS Rebel XSi 450D Di. Cute, no?" "Real cute. Probably explains why you are named Henri Cartier-Bresson in this conversation." "So Mr. Photographer, how good are you without that thing in your hand?" "That’s an absurd question, Soham! That’s like asking how good Picasso was without his brush." "I like your references, Mr. Cartier-Bresson. You don’t have intermediates, do you? Picasso? Directly?" "You named me 'Henri'. I had to come up with something equally great." "I like how you are pawning me even though you are a figment of my imagina-tion. I’m sure Picasso could have managed a good enough picture even with a toothbrush.” "Yeah. I guess. Although a lot will depend on the brush"

Pictorial Damnation - Soham Sabale


"Here, Picasso. Take my cell phone VGA camera. And dazzle me" "Stop calling me that. My name isn’t Picasso. It’s Every-damn-photographer-you-have-met-in-your-life." "That's a weird-ass name, Picasso. Now scoot. And remember, dazzle me. And also the gentleman at the beginning of the conversation. He hasn't got any foot-age at all. In the mean time, I'll try operating your fancy canon." "Okay""Hey, gentleman-at-the beginning. Look at this picture of the earthworm I took." "Oh my! Look at the awesome colour palette and the stark contrast. This is in-deed a nice photograph, Soham"

My lord, I rest my case.



Oscars - The only public event that terrorists don't even consider bombing because the people gathered there are causing enough damage to society as it is.

The 83rd Academy Film awards were held this year. The Oscars this year had their own share of good and bad, pretty and ugly and wins and losses. So while half the world was glued to the television, watching the awards, they missed a much more important event taking place in a re-mote corner of the world - the public flogging of Justin Bieber. But well, everything has its price.

You missed this For this

It began in a way that made me pee my pants. They showed the ten nomi-nees for the Best Motion Picture award with an exciting music in the background, but since they didn't reveal the winner there and then, eve-rything else was a disappointment. But on the bright side, it also gave me time to change my pants. The hosts, Anne Hathaway and James Franco took the first shot at humouring people, resulting in making spoof shots of movies that included Inception, The Fighter, The Social Network, True Grit and Back To the Future to name a few. Scary movie was better at making spoofs and that's saying something.

Epigram at the Oscars - Saahil Dama


Jocks, sluts, fancy dressers and a stoned guy in a frame? Awesome!

Anne Hathaway looked stunning and she would have been stunninger if she had only kept her mouth shut, which was wide open all throughout the show. She cracked lousy jokes and laughed at them herself. Spoke stupid dialogues which I am pretty sure weren't there in the script and made an absolute fool out of herself. As for James Franco, we believe that he still believed that he was stuck under the boulder with a constant grimace on his face. I've seen dead horses with more expression on their faces. Great job of staying in character, though. James Franco BigMouth

Your hosts for the night


First, the obvious ones.

The first award to be handed out was achievement in art direction, what-ever that means. Alice in Wonderland lay claim to the first Oscar trophy handed out this year. Woohoo, no surprise. It had Johnny Depp, who only seems to rely on his costumes.

Next in line was the award for best cinematography and it went to Wally Pfister (yes, P-Fister) for, Inception. Really? The movie that played Origami with Paris and had a zero G fight scene won?

The other nominees were Black Swan for showing Natalie Portman bal-let dancing, a feat that needed The Social Network for proving that movies can be shot in utter darkness, True Grit because it was unlikely to win anything else and The King's Speech because the Best Picture winner has to be nominated in every category imaginable.

Then came Best Supporting Actress which saw two nominations from The Fighter (Melissa Leo and Amy Adams), one from The King's Speech (He-lena Bonham Carter), Jackie something from Animal Kingdom (filler) and fourteen year old Hailee Steinfeld from True Grit. The latter truly deserved the award, but trust the Oscars to screw things up. Melissa Leo from The Fighter won the award, perhaps, because, well, this blunder has no justi-fication.

Before the award After the award


Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis then stepped onstage to felicitate the Best Animated Short film, an apt act because we're as concerned about Lake and Kunis and the category itself. The Oscar went to The Lost Thing, which was a lost thing. 'Nuff said (because we don't know what else to say. Anyone seen it? Anyone?). Then came the cherry on the cake, every child's delight, the Best Animate Feature Film and quite obviously, the winner was Toy Story 3. Hilarious, ingenious and touching - the movie was sheer mas-ter class. Another Pixar film, of course. If you ever want to make a quick buck, bet heavy on these guys, because they always freaking win.

Yes. Again.

Then came the nominees for the best adapted screenplay, for movie makers who weren't smart enough to get their own script. Aaron Sorkin finally put The Social Network on the map by claiming the award. Further down the list was the best original screenplay. David Seidler from The King's Speech took the bald man home for writing a screenplay so good that it actually won him the Oscar.

After seventy three yawns, seven awards and three breaks later, Anne Hath-away returned onstage, sporting a black tuxedo and singing a song which compelled me to take my 'stunning' comment back (page 1, line __ ). And as if that wasn't bad enough, Franco then came up with a blonde wig and wearing high heels and a pink gown.


Beauty and the Beast

All the filler content there was followed by the nominations for the Best Supporting Actor. While the list included several possibilities Chris-tian Bale stole the limelight for his demented persona of Dicky from The Fighter. When Batman gets high on crack, you know you have a winner on your hands. Then, Wolverine (Hugh Jackson) himself came forth to present the award for the best original score; it was quite a contest since music is a place where nearly all the movies do well. Even when we saw the nominations (The King's Speech, How to Train your Dragon, The So-cial Network, 127 hours and Inception), all regal and magnificent in their own way, the winner was impossible to predict. Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross from The Social Network took away the laurels for their brilliant score in the movie. Then there was sound mixing, which went to Lora Hirschberg, Ed Novick and Gary Rizz from Inception, which was followed by Richard King from Inception for Sound Editing. The Academy then decided to thank all the engineers and scientists for their contributions and innovations in the industry. Boring, except that one bald man with a head as shiny as the trophy itself was particularly happy. And he also bounced on his place.


Red Circle: The Bald Man

Then came Achievement in make-up which was won by Rick Baker and Dave Elsey from Wolfman for showing the world how werewolves really look.

Wet underwear Werewolf

Original Song went to We Belong Together from Toy Story 3 with the only highlight being that A.R.Rahman (for If I rise) was called A.R.Rockman, probably because of the 127 hours analogy. But Rockman remained where he was. Under a rock which refused to rise.


Last year This year

Hands: The difference

Next in line where the four awards that mattered the most, the only rea-son for which three hours of torture is endured. Up first - Achievement in Directing. Big names here. Darren Aronofsky for Black Swan, David Rus-sell for The Fighter, David Fincher for The Social Network, Tom Hooper for The King's Speech and Ethan and Joel Coen for True Grit. A nail biting finish which saw Tom Hooper for The King's Speech emerging as the win-ner for his prodigious direction in The King's Speech.

Next was the Best Actress in a Leading Role, another much awaited cat-egory for the award winners and for raunchy boys. Natalie Portman suc-cessfully scared the critics with her uncanny eyes and took home the Oscar.

Cure for constipation


Sandra Bullock then graced the stage with her presence and presented the nominees for the Best Actor in a Leading Role. A photo-finish because the list included Javier Bardem from Biutiful, Jeff Bridges from True Grit, Jesse Eisenberg from The Social Network and Colin Firth for The King's Speech. Firth stood as the winner for his brilliant stammer of two hours. But we believe that Jesse Eisenberg should have been the rightful winner for transcending the role of Mark Zuckerberg better than the real Mark himself. Also, I couldn't half the movie due to the stutter. Download the subtitles and godammit, they stuttered too. Bardem cursed Firth, Bridges cursed Firth, Eisenberg cursed Firth and Firth stuttered back in reply. And yes, the list also had James Franco for cutting his hand.

Proof: The cure for constipation works

Dinosaur man Spielberg then came to give away the last award - The Best Motion Picture, the moment that we all waited for. The nominees were Black Swan, The Fighter, Inception, The Kids are all Right, The King's Speech, 127 hours, The Social Network, Toy Story 3, True Grit and Win-ter's Bone. *drum roll* the award went to The King's Speech for teaching us all the cure of stutter. Make the person roll around and scream at the top of his lungs. Delightful stuff. Portrayed with grandeur and a tinge of satire But you might want to watch it at 1.5x, though. Helps understand what the king is saying.


The same goddamn expression everywhere

Some have disappointed, while some have erred, some have rejoiced but all ran away with a piece of cake. Except True Grit. And The Social Network. And Black Swan. Not to mention Inception. And Toy Story 3. Ditto 127 hours. And every other movie that lost the last category. That was the Os-cars for you.

P.s. One last minute addition. The awards were brought to you by Diet Coke, the one without sugar, you know. The sick one. A much better ver-sion was brought to you by Epigram Magazine. We hope that you will now support us against all the law suits for writing this article.


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