Working with Highly Involved Parents

Chris Franken – College Planning & Assessment, Eastview High School

Keri Risic – Senior Associate Director of Admissions, University of Minnesota Twin Cities

ACCORDING TO University of California at San Diego economists Valerie and Garey Ramey, between 1990 and the early 2000s, college-educated mothers came to spend an average of nine hours more per week with their children than their own mothers had spent with them; fathers spent an average of five more hours.

But what were they doing during all that extra time? The Rameys found that the bulk of it involved coordinating their kids’ extracurricular activities in a mad dash to get them into good colleges.

http://youtu.be/u2TlR3kW9rA

Parenting Styles

A host of different labels is being coined for parenting styles, ranging from submarine, hothouse and volcano to tiger moms and drill sergeants.

Free-range parents are the opposites of lawnmowers, allowing their children independence, while submarines are disengaged and don't even make their children's lunches.

Most of the labels relate to different nuances of overprotective parents sanitizing children's lives.

http://www.parentfurther.com/blog/dont-be-helicopter-or-lawnmower-learn-lingo

Helicopter parents:

1. Pay too close attention to and orchestrate their kids’ entire lives. They talk a lot—and give too much advice.2. Hover over their kids so that their kids don’t make any mistakes or suffer any pain from experience.3. Raise kids who are overly dependent, neurotic, and less open.

Lawnmower parents:

1. Mow down all obstacles they see in their child’s path.2. Smooth over any problem their child has.3. Make sure their kids always look perfect (and if they aren’t, they’ll intervene and make it better right away).

Involved parents:1. Know their kids well and stay connected to them. They listen a lot.2. Give their kids space to grow up well while monitoring what’s happening to them.3. Allow their kids to make mistakes, suffer the consequences, and allow kids to solve their own problems.

“We’re in the midst of a giant social experiment.”

“Historically, parents have been concerned with things like obedience, manners, and respect for authority. We’re the first parents in history who really want to be their kids’ friends. Some parents even talk about wanting to be their kids’ best friends.”

Family Psychologist Richard Weissbourd :The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine

Children’s Moral and Emotional Development

Parents today, he says, are so focused on bonding with their children that it can undercut their authority and derail normal development.

“Treating kids as equals doesn’t allow them to idealize their parents and learn to adopt their values. Parents need to let their children separate in adolescence, of course, but that’s much harder if Mom and Dad have come to depend on them for close friendship.”

-Richard Weissbourd

Why the Millennials' Parents Will Continue to Stay Involved in Their Kids Lives at Work... and Why That's a Good Thing (from the book Sticking Points by Hadyn Shaw)

“This is the new normal that I tell my clients they need to get used to: the involved or "engaged" parent. Supervisors may not like it, but our kids want us involved in their lives far more than we wanted our parents involved in our lives and many of us have the relevant experience to coach them. And coach we do.”

-Hadyn Shaw

"This is not just a case of overprotective parents -- Millennials and their parents have a mutual affection and admiration."

Almost half of Millennials pick their parents as role models and heroes over celebrities or friends. Boomers saw their parents as part of the establishment, while Millennials see their parents as resources to help them get established.

Millennials talk to their parents more than other generations do. There's not the same generation gap there was between Traditionalists and Boomers.

“Millennials turn to their parents for coaching because their parents have relevant experience that most

Traditionalists did not have.”

According to the Census Bureau, in 1940 only 24 percent of the population 25 and older had completed high school, and only 5 percent had bachelor's degrees. As a result, they didn't have relevant experiences with large universities, complex government agencies, or multinational businesses. [28.5 % with bachelor degrees in 2012]

Consequently, most Traditionalists and many Baby Boomers had to figure out college and career on their own.

“So to the generations who couldn't ask their parents for guidance, Millennials seem coddled by today's parents who talk to them about everything. But most are not coddled, they are coached. Coached by Baby Boomers and Gen Xers who have the relevant experience to help them avoid unnecessary mistakes or hassles.

We can deal with generational differences more effectively if we understand that Millennials are the product of the most educated parents in history. I get it; helicopter parents need to come down to earth. But get this, we involved parents are not going away.”

www.twitter.com/TheHaydnShaw

School counselors may see overly involved parents as their opponents. We can become burned out trying to accommodate these parents or resentful of their constant requests.

Three strategies to successfully collaborate with overly involved parents and, ultimately, to better meet students’ needs…

http://schoolcounselor.org/magazine/blogs/january-february-2011/three-steps-for-dealing-with-helicopter-parents

Step 1. Decrease Parental Anxiety

Parents want their children to be safe and successful, which are healthy aspirations. Although some parental anxiety is healthy, too much anxiety can create overly involved parents. These parents act out of their anxiety, fear and guilt, which can create stifled and dependent children.

Strategies

Listen and validate: the first step in collaborating with overly involved parents is decreasing immediate anxiety or threats.Focus on parental strengths: Overly involved parents often are insecure. Invite involvement: Overly involved parents typically want to be active in their son or daughter’s school community. Initiate positive communication: These type of parents like to be kept in the loop.

Step 2. Communicate to Empower Students

Language is powerful. It is crucial to communicate in a way that places responsibility on the student, not the parent.

StrategiesCommunicate parents’ responsibilities: Empowering language sets the expectation that students are responsible for their own actions.Communicate student’s responsibilities: Model students’ active participation through your messages. Encourage parents to avoid using words like “we” or “our” when talking about the application.Remember the big picture. As parents, school counselors and educators, our role is to prepare adolescents to be successful adults who make good decisions. Remind parents of the long-term vision.

Step 3. Reinforce Healthy Parent Boundaries

Students want to be successful on their own; they want firmer boundaries between themselves and their parents.

Strategies

Choices and consequences: As a school counselor, you can help parents think about boundaries in a new light – setting boundaries on their own level of involvement.

Patience and Acceptance: As with many school counseling interventions, it can take time, patience, heart and acceptance to collaborate with the overly involved parent.

School counselors need to have healthy boundaries with overly involved parents: to effectively collaborate, we need to accept that we can’t control their parenting choices. What we can do is model positive and healthy behaviors and gently encourage them to do the same.

College Admission: Failed Rite Of Passage

What are the psychological implications of college admission for both parent and child?

The college admission process is seen as a testing ground of fears about incomplete or inadequate child rearing, and its impact on parents of separation from their children.

Independent School, Winter '90, Vol. 49 Issue 2, p13, 7p By: Michael G. Thompson

Clinical Psychologist

According to Thompson, the frantic involvement of many parents in the process is a cover for this profound parental anxiety:

Did I do a good job with this child?

Did I do everything I needed to do for this child?

Is this child prepared?

Is this child going to have a good life?

The status of the college to which the child is admitted…

For parents looking for an analgesic, the college admission process is an action arena where they can work out their anxieties.

The psychological solution is the reassuring vision of a great college.

Possible Remedies

1. Can we--through attitude, through deliberate education, through greater consciousness--talk with parents and children about the profound psychological process that underlies the transition from high school to college, from childhood to adulthood, from family interdependence to being on one's own?

2. Can we better define the role of parents and other adults in the community in the college admission process so that parents do not end up in a free-for-all, with some children being hounded to death and others neglected?

3. Can we keep the senior year intact, to prevent it from getting cut to pieces by the college admission process?

4. Can we better sustain these age-mates as they go through their common ordeal, before they end up in different colleges and different places?

5. Can we have more ritual around college admission in our schools and communities?

Navigating College Admissions: Tips for Parents

• Encourage your child to be open-minded about college options.

• Visit college campuses, but try to take a backseat.

• Help your teen stay organized during the application process.

• Talk about the cost of college, early and often.

• Be optimistic, but prepare for rejection.

• Listen, but know you can’t fix everything.

Stacey MiltonSeptember 23, 2014 collegespecific

How to Talk to Your Parents About College:Tips for Students

1. Ask yourself why you are applying to college in the first place.

2. Take ownership of your college process. 3. Your parents don't necessarily expect you to attend their alma mater. 4. Don’t shy away from difficult conversations. 5. Don’t be afraid to fail. 6. Define success on your terms. 7. Talk to your parents about how to talk to you.

Sam Bigelow, Associate Director of College Counseling, Middlesex School (MA)

FISKE'S COLLEGE ADMISSION PLEDGE FOR PARENTS

(Starts with…)

“I am resigned to the fact that my child’s college search will end in disaster. I am serene. Deadlines will be missed and scholarships will be lost as my child lounges under pulsating headphones or stares transfixed at an iPhone. I am a parent and I know nothing. I am serene.”

(Ends with…)

“I must help my son or daughter take charge of the college search. I will try to support without smothering, encourage without annoying, and consult without controlling. The college search is too big to be handled alone—I will be there every step of the way.”

FISKE’S COLLEGE ADMISSION PLEDGE FOR STUDENTS

(Starts with…)

“I have accepted the fact that my parents are clueless. I am serene. I will betray not a tremor when they offer opinions or advice, no matter how laughable. My soul will be light as a feather when my mother elbows her way to the front of my college tour and talks the guide’s ear off. I am serene.”

(Ends with…)

“I must take charge of the college search. If I do, the nagging will stop, and everyone’s anxiety will go down. My parents have given me a remarkable gift—the ability to think and do for myself. I know I can do it with a little help from Mom and Dad.”

COLLEGIATE PARTNERSHIPSWE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER!

Involve Parents in College Search Process• Parents play a major role in the college decision• Develop relationships and build trust with prospective

students and their families throughout their high school careers and assist students throughout each stage of the college search processes

• Students’ responsibilities• Manage parent expectations early• Be open and honest

Provide Parent Specific Communications• Timely printed communications and emails• Parent sessions during prospective student events

COLLEGIATE PARTNERSHIPS

We are in this together!

COLLEGIATE PARTNERSHIPSWE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER!

Provide a Seamless Transition for Students• Collaborate with campus partners to ensure

students have a seamless transition from high school to college

Partner with Parent Programs• Highlight opportunities for parents to stay connected• Provide resources for parents• Promote an appropriate role for parents within the

campus community

COLLEGIATE PARTNERSHIPS

We are in this together!

U of M Parent Program

Program Mission and VisionThe University of Minnesota Parent Program fosters relationships between the University and parents of our students in order to support student success, generate lifelong affinity for the University, and promote an appropriate role for parents within the campus community.

Through research, discovery, and collaboration, the Parent Program works with parents and higher education professionals to understand how family diversity impacts the student experience and to help families support their students’ learning and development.

• University Parent Newsletter• University Parent website• Parent email updates• Events – Parent reception on Move-In Day, Parents Weekend• National Survey of College and University Parent Programs

U of M Parent ProgramDesired Outcomes for Parent/Family Involvement

Families contribute to student success by:

• Understanding the student experience and knowing about resources available at the University of Minnesota

• Supporting the University’s goals for student learning and development outcomes.

• Knowing when to step in to help their student and when to empower their student to take responsibility

• Developing an affinity for the University of Minnesota

http://www1.umn.edu/parent/advice-involvement/desired-outcomes/index.html

U of M Parent ProgramMessage Sent to Parents of U of M Students in September:

For several years, the media has been creating unfortunate labels for parents of college students. Parents are called names ranging from helicopters, who are said to hover over their children; submarine parents who lurk under the surface, pop up to attack, then disappear again; stealth bomber parents who destroy anything interfering with their student's life; and particularly in northern climates, snowplow parents who will clear a path for their student.

(Message cont.)

We want you to know that we see very few U of M parents who could be described as overly involved in their student's life. In fact, in recent years, we've been more concerned about parents who are becoming so cautious of being labelled as a helicopter that, in some cases, they are avoiding involvement when their student might truly need their help.

That line between being too involved and not involved enough can be difficult to walk.

(Message cont.)If you're wondering whether to step back or step in, consider the following questions:• Can your student learn something by handling this situation

independently? (If yes, leave it up to your student.)

• Is this something that most college-aged students should be able to handle? (If yes, leave it up to your student.)

• Do you have all the information needed to address the issue? (Many concerns require information that parents don't have on hand. If your student makes the call for assistance, issues can be resolved more quickly and thoroughly.)

• Does your student have a mental or physical health condition that prevents him/her from being able to handle the situation? (If no, leave it up to your student.)

• Did your student ask you to be involved? (If no, leave it up to your student.)

(Message cont.)

Parents help when they listen to their student's concerns, then encourage their son or daughter to independently contact the appropriate resources, set priorities, and take action.