Words Of Wisdom By Steven Wright
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Transcript of Words Of Wisdom By Steven Wright
All those who believe in All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my handpsychokinesis raise my hand
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
I'm having amnesia and deja I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time: I think vu at the same time: I think I've forgotten this before.I've forgotten this before.
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse but the second mouse
gets the cheesegets the cheese
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of OK, so what's the speed of dark?dark?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If everything seems to be going If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously well, you have obviously overlooked somethingoverlooked something
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Support bacteria - they're the Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people haveonly culture some people have
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
When everything is coming When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong your way, you're in the wrong
lanelane
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Imagine how weird phones Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was would look if your mouth was
nowhere near your earsnowhere near your ears
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Ambition is a poor excuse for Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be not having enough sense to be
lazylazy
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Everyone has a Everyone has a photographic memory. photographic memory.
Some just don't have filmSome just don't have film
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
You can’t have everything… You can’t have everything… where would you put it?where would you put it?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.if you have the time.
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Shin: a device for finding Shin: a device for finding furniture in the darkfurniture in the dark
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
I intend to live forever – I intend to live forever – so far, so goodso far, so good
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet don't get sucked into jet
enginesengines
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
I bought some powdered I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what water, but I don't know what
to add to it.to add to it.
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
When I'm not in my right mind, When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty my left mind gets pretty
crowdedcrowded
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Who is General Failure and why Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?is he reading my hard disk?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
What happens if you get scared What happens if you get scared half to death twice?half to death twice?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Why do psychics have to ask Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?you for your name?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence destroy all evidence
that you triedthat you tried
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't then skydiving definitely isn't
for youfor you
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
A conclusion is the place where A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinkingyou got tired of thinking
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Experience is something you Experience is something you don't get until just after don't get until just after
you need ityou need it
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
For every action, there is an For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticismequal and opposite criticism
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
The colder the X-ray table, The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is the more of your body is
required to be on itrequired to be on it
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
The hardness of the butter is The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the directly proportional to the
softness of the breadsoftness of the bread
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
You never really learn to swear You never really learn to swear until you learn to driveuntil you learn to drive
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
The problem with the gene pool The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguardis that there is no lifeguard
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Monday is an awful way to Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your lifespend 1/7th of your life
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memorythe sign of a bad memory
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If you must choose between If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've two evils, pick the one you've
never tried beforenever tried before
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Change is inevitable....except Change is inevitable....except from vending machinesfrom vending machines
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
A fool and his money A fool and his money are soon partyingare soon partying
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If you think nobody cares about If you think nobody cares about you, try missing you, try missing
a couple of paymentsa couple of payments
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Bills travel through the mail at Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checkstwice the speed of checks
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Borrow money from pessimists-Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it backthey don't expect it back
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel when all your other parts feel
so goodso good
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
On the other hand, On the other hand, you have different fingersyou have different fingers
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Someone sent me a postcard Someone sent me a postcard with a picture of the earth.with a picture of the earth.
On the back it said, On the back it said, "Wish you were here""Wish you were here"
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gonedog. Now he's gone
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
What's another word for What's another word for Thesaurus?Thesaurus?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
There's a fine line between There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiotshore looking like an idiot
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If you are sending someone If you are sending someone styrofoam, styrofoam,
what do you pack it in?what do you pack it in?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking Everywhere is walking distance if you have the timedistance if you have the time
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
It doesn’t make a difference It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is - what temperature a room is - it’s always room temperatureit’s always room temperature
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
What was the best thing What was the best thing beforebefore sliced bread? sliced bread?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Whose cruel idea was it to Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If a man says something If a man says something in the woods, in the woods,
and there are no women and there are no women there, there,
is he still wrong?is he still wrong?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Do infants enjoy infancy as Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy much as adults enjoy
adultery?adultery?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If love is blind, If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?why is lingerie so popular?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Why is the man (or woman) Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money who invests all your money
called a broker?called a broker?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Why do croutons come in Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin withstale bread to begin with
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If you take an oriental man If you take an oriental man and spin him around, does he and spin him around, does he
become disoriented?become disoriented?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Why are a wise man and a Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?wise guy opposites?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
““I am” is reportedly the I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the shortest sentence in the
English language. “I do” is English language. “I do” is the longest sentence.the longest sentence.
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If Fed Ex and UPS were to If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it merge, would they call it
“Fed UP”?“Fed UP”?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
What hair colour do they put What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenseson the driver’s licenses
of bald men? of bald men?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Do Lipton Tea employees Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?take coffee breaks?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
No one ever says No one ever says “It’s only a game” “It’s only a game”
when their team is winningwhen their team is winning
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If it’s true that we are here to If it’s true that we are here to help others, what are the help others, what are the
others here for?others here for?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Ever wonder what the speed Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it of lightning would be if it
didn’t zigzag?didn’t zigzag?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If a cow laughed, would milk If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?come out her nose?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
What ever happened to What ever happened to Preparation A through G?Preparation A through G?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Last night I played a blank Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime tape at full blast. The mime
next door went nutsnext door went nuts
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Why do overlook and oversee Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?mean opposite things?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If a pig loses its voice, If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?is it disgruntled?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
It’s a small world, but I It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.wouldn’t want to paint it.
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a mime, would you use a
silencer?silencer?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Right now I’m having Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the amnesia and déjà vu at the
same time. I think I’ve same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.forgotten this before.
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
I have an inferiority I have an inferiority complex…. It’s not a very complex…. It’s not a very
good one.good one.
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
Why isn’t the word Why isn’t the word ‘phonetically’ spelled with an ‘phonetically’ spelled with an
‘f’?‘f’?
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
I know a guy who was a clown… I know a guy who was a clown… when he died, all of his friends when he died, all of his friends went to the funeral in one car.went to the funeral in one car.
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are the ledge. Some people are
afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widthsafraid of widths..
Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright
I'm at Seaworld at a seafood I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh my fish burger and I realize, oh my God.. .. .. I could be eating a my God.. .. .. I could be eating a
slow learnerslow learner..