Why I Hate People (But Secretly Love Them)

8/6/2019 Why I Hate People (But Secretly Love Them)

1/19

Why I Hate People

(But Secretly Lovethem)JUNE 22, 2011 BY TOM MATLACK17 COMMENTS

Is it safe to come out of the

cave?
http://goodmenproject.com/author/tom-matlack/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/#commentshttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/#commentshttp://goodmenproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Cave1.jpghttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/#commentshttp://goodmenproject.com/author/tom-matlack/


2/19

I often find myself in rooms full of averitable sea of people these days. Mywife is a very active philanthropist whoworks on issues for places such as thePerkins School for the Blind and

Massachusetts General Hospital forChildren. What this means for me issmall talk, not my native tongue. Wealso have a constantly growing group ofadult friends with whom we go toconcerts, dinner, and even trips. These

more intimate gatherings require smalltalk on steroids.

As a way to deflect my own socialanxiety I developed a party trick. I

announce to a table of perfectly kindhuman beings, I really dont likepeople. It always gets a laugh, in partbecause I like to whip it out at a moment


3/19

of laughter when we all are having a lotmore fun than the statement seemed to

indicate. I also think it touched theuniversal nerve that socializing,particularly for guys, can be taxing toour lizard brains. Wed be just as happyto crawl back into our caves with aremote and a beer.

But then it occurred to me, with a littlehelp from my lovely spouse, that myjoke was neither funny nor true. I lovepeople. In fact, I crave human

connection. They just scare the shit outof me. And always have.

On personality tests I always come upan introvertand a nasty one at that.

My horoscope sign is Sagittarius, thearcher who is half-man and half-horse.Us Sags are known to be tactless andrestless despite our freedom-loving


4/19

good humor.

On the Myers-Briggs, which looks atfour key attributes, I am an Introverted-Intuitive-Thinking-Judging, or an INTJ,type. I think that means I have refinedthe art of retreating to my study to reada book and take a nap into an exquisite

art form.

In terms of the enneagram, whichbreaks people down into nine types, Iam a four, otherwise known as the

individualist or the tragic romantic. Otherfours, according to the enneagramwebsite, are Prince, Thomas Merton,and J.D. Salingerall men of greatartistic ability (unlike me) who looked fordeeper meaning in a solitary manner,

sometimes fanatically so.

Ive never been much of a joiner. I wentto public high school in Western


5/19

Massachusetts and like to say that I onlyheard about my prom in the weight room

after it was over. That is stretching thetruth, but the reality is that going to myprom, or on a real date, was well outsidemy social ability. I went to a few highschool parties, but it was the roughequivalent of passing gallstones. Some

people are born blind, I figured, I wasjust born hating people, or at leastfeeling profoundly uncomfortable in theirpresence.

In high school and college, I usedswimming, marathon running, androwingthe sports that required minimalskill and maximum painto cope. If Icouldnt talk to you at a party, I wasgoing to beat your head in on the roads

or on the river. Take that, youMFer, was my thought.

I also learned to drink to excess. The


6/19

beauty of being drunk is that hatred, orfear, of people disappears as

the anesthesia takes hold. You can dowhatever you want in any situationbecause, mentally, youre no longerthere. Youre somewhere in theheavens, watching this drunken fool talkto girls, dance like a crazy person, and

break stuff just for fun.

After college, I took my athletic mindsetno skill other than inflicting maximumpain on the opposite teamto the

business world, and it paid offfinancially. My only problem was I wasstill the same miserable SOB.

Just to give you some perspective, I

recently went back to my 25th collegereunion. I realized I have been fightingthese demons now for decades. I havethree kids (17, 15, and six) and have, on


7/19


8/19

in. These days I dont drink and haventfor almost 15 years. Im often around

people getting intoxicated and a bit silly.I can use that as an excuse to check outtoo, wandering off into unfair judgmentof friends who hold their liquor a lotbetter than I ever did. But thats really nobetter than the hypocrisy of my running

joke.

No, the person I have always hated ismyself. And instead of being honestabout that I just pointed my finger at

you: the kids going to the prom withoutme, the college kids who joined thefraternity, the in crowd at the bar, eventhe sea of humanity I meet on a regularbasis, working to cure cancer, amongother things. And my fear has been that

you would find out the truth about me.

But I think its time for me to put thatvice down with the rest of them and join


9/19

the human race. Self-hatred is every bitas much a waste of time as hatred of

others. Im not perfect, but I have armsand legs and can, when I want to be, becharming according to my wife. Thepoint, however, is that when I actuallytake the time to get to know thesepeople, I find out that were not different

at all. Even the most stoic guy I knowhas shared stories with me that broughttears to my eyes and made me feel lessalone.

Follow Tom MatlackBecome a Fan of GMP
http://twitter.com/#!/tmatlackhttp://www.facebook.com/thegoodmenprojecthttp://twitter.com/#!/tmatlackhttp://www.facebook.com/thegoodmenproject


10/19

Yes, thats me making a fool of myself

Cave Photo by Jared

We Recommend

Male Self-Pleasure Myths

Youre Not the First

11 Insanely Sexualized Childrens Products

Can Handsome Men Stay Faithful?

Small-Talk Topics for Guys

If Youd Sleep With Her, You Cant Call Her a Slut.

More from Our Partners

Are You an ADHD Adult? (Lifescript.com)

7 Toxic Girlfriend Types To Avoid (Essence.com)

Is Rosie Huntington-Whiteley really the hottest swimsuit model in the world? (StyleBistro)

The No. 1 Reason Why He's Cheating on You(Essence.com)

Men Confess: The 10 Lies They Tell Women(iVillage)

5 Everyday Things You Don't Need(TheStreet.com)

[what's this]

???

???

FILED UNDER:FEATURED CONTENT,GOOD IS GOOD TAGGED WITH: CAVE,CONVERSATION,HUMAN

BEINGS, INTERACTION,INTROVERTED, PERSONALITY,VICE
http://www.flickr.com/photos/generated/http://goodmenproject.com/random/male-self-pleasure-myths/http://goodmenproject.com/random/male-self-pleasure-myths/http://goodmenproject.com/fathers-day/youre-not-the-first/http://goodmenproject.com/fathers-day/youre-not-the-first/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/11-insanely-sexualized-childrens-products/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/11-insanely-sexualized-childrens-products/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/can-handsome-men-stay-faithful/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/can-handsome-men-stay-faithful/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/small-talk-topics-for-guys/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/small-talk-topics-for-guys/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/if-youd-sleep-with-her-you-cant-call-her-a-slut/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/if-youd-sleep-with-her-you-cant-call-her-a-slut/http://www.lifescript.com/Health/Conditions/ADD/Are_You_an_ADHD_Adult.aspxhttp://www.essence.com/2011/06/24/7-toxic-girlfriend-types-to-avoid/http://www.stylebistro.com/games/Z8NLimfRd47/hottest+swimsuit+model/Rosie+Huntington+Whiteleyhttp://www.essence.com/2011/05/26/relationships-advice-cheating-men-number-one-reason-why-sound-off/http://www.essence.com/2011/05/26/relationships-advice-cheating-men-number-one-reason-why-sound-off/http://www.ivillage.com/men-confess-10-lies-they-tell-women-2/4-b-343351http://www.thestreet.com/story/10488835/1/5-everyday-things-you-dont-need.htmlhttp://www.thestreet.com/story/10488835/1/5-everyday-things-you-dont-need.htmlhttp://void%280%29/http://goodmenproject.com/category/featured-content/http://goodmenproject.com/category/featured-content/http://goodmenproject.com/category/featured-content/http://goodmenproject.com/category/good-is-good/http://goodmenproject.com/category/good-is-good/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/cave/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/cave/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/conversation/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/human-beings/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/human-beings/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/human-beings/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/interaction/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/interaction/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/introverted/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/introverted/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/personality/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/personality/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/vice/http://goodmenproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/celts-and-friends.jpghttp://www.flickr.com/photos/generated/http://goodmenproject.com/random/male-self-pleasure-myths/http://goodmenproject.com/fathers-day/youre-not-the-first/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/11-insanely-sexualized-childrens-products/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/can-handsome-men-stay-faithful/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/small-talk-topics-for-guys/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/if-youd-sleep-with-her-you-cant-call-her-a-slut/http://www.lifescript.com/Health/Conditions/ADD/Are_You_an_ADHD_Adult.aspxhttp://www.essence.com/2011/06/24/7-toxic-girlfriend-types-to-avoid/http://www.stylebistro.com/games/Z8NLimfRd47/hottest+swimsuit+model/Rosie+Huntington+Whiteleyhttp://www.essence.com/2011/05/26/relationships-advice-cheating-men-number-one-reason-why-sound-off/http://www.ivillage.com/men-confess-10-lies-they-tell-women-2/4-b-343351http://www.thestreet.com/story/10488835/1/5-everyday-things-you-dont-need.htmlhttp://void%280%29/http://goodmenproject.com/category/featured-content/http://goodmenproject.com/category/good-is-good/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/cave/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/conversation/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/human-beings/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/human-beings/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/interaction/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/introverted/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/personality/http://goodmenproject.com/tag/vice/


11/19

About Tom Matlack

Tom Matlack is the co-founder of The Good Men Project. He has a17-year-old daughter and 15- and 6-year-old sons. His wife, Elena, isthe love of his life.

Comments

1. Roger Durham says:

June 22, 2011 at 8:27 am

3 0

Its safe, Tom, but as an INTJ you know that the cave will always bea happy, and important, retreat. As one who always went to promand was President of my college Fraternity and has always been partof some in crowd, I can tell you that it can be as lonely outside ofthe cave as it can be inside. Its not so much about proximity orbelonging as it is about being comfortable in your own skin. But youknow that.

Reply

o Tom Matlack says:

June 25, 2011 at 9:34 am

Very true Roger.
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33294http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33294#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33532http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33294http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33294#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33532


12/19

Reply

2. Peter Flick says:

June 22, 2011 at 9:36 am

0 0

Tom, Great post. I can relate on many levels and i am glad that yourealize that you dont hate people you hate feeling less than. Way to

let your light shine and great picture at celtics game. Hope you arewell and give my best to the peeps up in boston. miss you guysdown in philly.

Reply

3.Pauline says:

June 22, 2011 at 9:43 am

0 0

I found this fascinating. My first husband was/is a social animal, butfor him people were pawns to manipulate and exploit, so I actuallythink he really doesnt like or respect people. My current husband is

extremely anxious sociallybeing in groups drains him and he tendsto hang out on the marginsbut he is a true humanitarian and worksin a helping profession. I am someone who is quite comfortabletalking to people about their new shoes, or the corian they chose fortheir new countertops, so Ive had a hard time understanding hisaversion to small talk. Your piece gave me a lot more insight into
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33532#respondhttp://relaynetwork.com/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33300http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33300#respondhttp://www.perilsofdivorcedpauline.com/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33301http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33532#respondhttp://relaynetwork.com/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33300http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33300#respondhttp://www.perilsofdivorcedpauline.com/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33301


13/19

people who struggle with social anxiety.

Reply

4. Boysen Hodgson says:

June 22, 2011 at 10:05 am

1 0

LIKE. Thanks Tom. I had to take some big emotional risks to learn itwas safe to come out of the cage, er, cave. And as someone elseabove pointed out its good to know that I can take breaks andretreat to the cave when I need to. I love discovering how much likeothers I actually am. Flaws and all.

Reply

5. Bill Gouveia says:

June 22, 2011 at 10:52 am

1 0

When we come out of a cave, it is usually just to start the walk into adifferent cave. Caves are homes, where we are comfortable and canfunction with our highest degree of efficiency. Many of us need caves

the thought of operating without the cave safety net is just beyondcomprehension. So come on out but leave a trail of breadcrumbs.
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33301#respondhttp://mankindproject.org/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33303http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33303#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33311http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33301#respondhttp://mankindproject.org/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33303http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33303#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33311


14/19

Reply

6. Daddy Files says:

June 22, 2011 at 1:58 pm

0 0

Are you wearing green pants?? Go back into your cave and put on achange of clothes before you come back out!

Reply

o Tom Matlack says:

June 25, 2011 at 9:35 am

Dude green is a great color on real men!

Reply

7. Jocelyn says:

June 22, 2011 at 5:09 pm

0 0
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33311#respondhttp://daddyfiles.com/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33329http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33329#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33533http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33533#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33344http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33311#respondhttp://daddyfiles.com/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33329http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33329#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33533http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33533#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33344


15/19

Amazing. I couldve written this. It reflects my thoughts exactly.Thanks for articulating.

Reply

8. Vik says:

June 22, 2011 at 5:16 pm

0 0

Great article, Tom. As a man whos overcoming his social anxiety Ican relate. What Ive found to work best for me is to take baby steps.Every time I go into a social setting that is anxiety provoking, I tellmyself, just try to bring 5% more of my true, authentic self to thesituation. I used to have this unrealistic expectation that I should beable to be as comfortable as I am with my closest friends in a givensocial situation, which inevitably set me up for failure anddisappointment every time. It was only when I showed myself

compassion and said, Okay, Vik, youve been terrified to be yourselfin this situation before, just try to give 5% more of your true self tothe setting and see what happens. When I have been able to dothis, Ive found that it works wonders. In the last two years, I havemade tremendous strides to the point where I can now say that Imfairly comfortable engaging in small talk with strangers. Before, Idliterally have to take a shot (or two) of alcohol before a socialfunction just to feel somewhat comfortable and engage with others.Just keep chipping away at this fear little by little and it will soonevaporate. All the best!

Reply
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33344#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33347http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33347#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33344#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33347http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33347#respond


16/19

9. David Figura says:

June 22, 2011 at 9:15 pm

0 0

Tom.. Ive been trying to reach you, on the recommendation of AmyDickinson, about a book Ive written, entitled So, What Are the GuysDoing? which covers among other things, how I saved my marriageand overcame social loneliness after turning 50 along withinterviewing nearly 100 other middle age guys on a variety of topics.Did you receive either one of my two emails? Noting the title of thiscolumn above, Id like to point out my unpublished book has beenendorsed by John Gray (of Men are from Mars, Women are fromVenus) and author/former NFL football star Tim Green. Im currentlyworking as the outdoors editor at The Post-Standard. Pleaserespond.

Reply

10. Error! Hyperlink reference not valid. says:

June 23, 2011 at 4:25 pm

1 0

I just appreciate your honesty Tom. It is a more common experienceof men than we like to admit and at the end of the day all of the menI know that have struggled with this including myself often cometo the same conclusion fear of others and some degree of self-hatred. No matter how gregarious, successful, and charismatic wemay be on the outside it is amazing what undercurrent of insecurity,
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33373http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33373#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33425http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33373http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33373#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33425


17/19

shame, and self-hatred can be roiling around inside of us leavingtrue happiness and peace quite elusive. Peace and thanks forsharing.

Reply

11. Warren Ivey says:

June 23, 2011 at 11:00 pm

0 0

This topic (this quirk called manhood) just underscores the need forus to buffer and/or buttress our boys as they enter the cave, causetheyre gonna go in one kind or anotherin record numbers lettingthem know it really can be, and is only, a temporary protectivemechanism from the good ol ubiquitous & universal trauma of themale socialization process. We need to sow the seeds, thatgerminate in time, with the happy realization that the world is a better

place with them IN it, than peering at the rest of us from afar.

Reply

12. Lisa Duggan says:

June 25, 2011 at 11:29 am

0 0

Tom, this piece reminds me of a quote by William Saroyan: you maytend to get cancer from the thing that makes you want to smoke so
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33425#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33452http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33452#respondhttp://www.themotherhoodblog.com/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33546http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33425#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33452http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33452#respondhttp://www.themotherhoodblog.com/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33546


18/19

much, not from the smoking itself. (from Not Dying, 1963)It may be stupid hope, or hubris, that I think we can prevent similardespair in our kidsby teaching them to know identify their feelings,talk about their feelings, and how to act, or not act, on their feelings.

Reply

13. David Wise says:

June 25, 2011 at 12:03 pm

0 0

Youre way too hard on yourself, Tom. I honestly have some of yourcharacteristics, although I dont see it in a negative light andtherefore havent beaten myself up over the years. I guess I alwayssaw myself as a unique person, very different from most people. As Igot older, my belief system reinforced my self-esteem and helped meto see the positive traits within me. I have family members who

regularly relive bad childhood experiences, something that I neverdo. A phrase I like to say is: You are not perfect, but you areperfectly you.

Reply

14.Joanne Caputo says:

June 26, 2011 at 12:16 pm

0 0
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33546#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33550http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33550#respondhttp://joannecaputo.com/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33610http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33546#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33550http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33550#respondhttp://joannecaputo.com/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33610


19/19

Maybe its just brain biology. Much of socializing involves speechand females have larger Wernickes and Brocas areas, areasresponsible for language processing (check wikipedia: SexDifferences in Humans). Ive read that males brains may

communicate better while doing something mechanical, likebouncing a ball. Is there a basketball game you can actually join?

Reply

15. Brett says:

June 26, 2011 at 5:00 pm

0 0

This is an elegant piece Tom. I can certainly sympathize with you.Ive been in sales my entire business career, but on some days Idespise people. Imagine how difficult that is. However, as you soeloquently pointed out it is actually myself that I despise, not other

people. Thank you for writing this.

Reply
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33610#respondhttp://www.1andahalfmen.com/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33623http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33623#respondhttp://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33610#respondhttp://www.1andahalfmen.com/http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/comment-page-1/#comment-33623http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-fear-people/?replytocom=33623#respond

Why I Hate People (But Secretly Love Them)

Documents

Transcript of Why I Hate People (But Secretly Love Them)