Who’s Driving the Bus?

Have you noticed how often our reaction to anxiety drives the bus of our lives?

There are two kinds of anxiety: acute & chronic.

They differ in both intensity and duration. Most of us can adapt to the challenges of acute

anxiety. We feel it in actual threatening situations. Acute anxiety has a time-limited quality to it. Our automatic responses like fight/flight are designed to deal with the

immediate, real situation and then eventually we get on with life.

Chronic anxiety is any sense of threat we have that is perceived, imagined or interpreted. Our anxiety is below the surface and so normally we

are unaware of it. Over time we develop a heightened sensitivity to potential threat. We are threatened by the behavior and actions of

others.

There is a threat to the loss of self - of who we are – our individuality.

There is the threat of being dominated – being taken

advantage of – of being hurt, or rejected, or overlooked – not

appreciated or not included, not heard, or maybe abandoned.

When Anxiety rises we become predictable.

We react and quit thinking.

We get stupid!

Who’s Driving the Bus?

We develop typical patterns of dealing with our anxiety when it emerges.

We develop typical ways of dealing with our anxiety and we use our preferred methods consistently. As a result, we

repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Though we feel “safer” in the short term, long term we develop less than ideal

relationships, we lose intimacy, and we lose opportunities for leadership and

advancement.

Ultimately our patterns of chronic anxiety set our default future.

Unless something changes we will end our lives with the same issues

that we have now.

Fight

Flight

Freeze

Caretake

We become more concerned with how other people are behaving toward us than we do with how we are behaving toward them.

Anxiety always

shows up in a

physical form.

How does anxiety show up in you?

Who’s Driving the Bus?

Typically when anxiety emerges we try everything in our power to make the anxiety to

away.

Take Responsibility for Your Own Life.

The only person you can change is you.

• Chronic Anxiety – (A perceived sense of threat)• Anxiety Relief – (Fight, Flight,

Freeze, or Caretake)• Repeated Patterns of Behavior (5

Typical Ways.)

• A Trail of “Less Than” Relationships.• Loss of Confidence, Self,

Opportunity, & Satisfaction.• A Future Determined by Default• Are you o.k. with that?

Five Typical Ways People Deal WithAnxiety.

Conflict

Conflict

• Become critical of others.• Blame & accuse others for perceived issues.• People insist that their way is the only way.• Focus more on others than self.

Conflict

• Behave abusively.• Argue, debate, and fight.• Verbally attack.

Distancing

Distancing

• Excessive periods of non-communication• Workaholism• Excessive time with hobbies• A tendency to get quiet when anxiety arises• Talk that stays shallow – with nothing of personal

importance• An inability to relate to some people in one’s

immediate or original family

Cutoff

Cutoff is a distance posture carried to the extreme,

resulting in a nonfunctioning relationship

Overfuntioning/Underfunctioning

Overfunctioning

• Advice-giving

• Doings things for others that they could do for themselves

• Worrying about other people.

• Feeling responsible for others, knowing what is best for them.

Overfunctioning

• Talking more than listening

• Having goals for others that they don’t have for themselves.

• Experiencing periods of sudden “burnout”

Underfunctioning

• Asking for advice rather than thinking things through independently

• Getting others to help when help really isn’t needed

• Acting irresponsibly

• Listening more than talking

Underfunctioning

• Letting others think for you

• Floating with no goals most of the time

• Setting goals but not following through with them

• Becoming mentally or physically ill frequently

• Tending to become addicted to substances

Triangling

Triangling

• Talking against the boss, the minister, or the teacher to people other than the boss, the minister, or the teacher.

• Gossiping or talking about someone who is not present

• Having an affair

• Taking too much interest in other people’s problems

Triangling

• Thinking more about a child or someone else than about your own marriage or self.

• Talking about your spouse with an adult child.

• Talking about other people behind their backs in order to lessen your own anxiety

“Don’t just do something – stand there!”

What’s your preferred style?

• With your spouse?

• With your children?

• When you’re in a position of leadership?

• When you’re not the one in charge?

What’s your preferred style?

• With your friends?

• With your co-workers?

• With your siblings & parents?

• When you’re pushed into a corner?

Buttons – Vows - Lies

“Our default future consists of our expectations, fears, hopes, and predictions, all of which are

ultimately based on our experience in the past. Incidents from our past live on as

prediction, giving us our default future.” The Three Laws of Performance by Steve Zaffron & Dave Logan.

We develop a defensive routine to protectourselves from being hurt again.

We react when our buttons get pushed.

What is the threat?

What are you afraid of?

VOWS

All of us have key moments from our pastthat continue to impact our lives today.

What vows have you made?

Reflect on your childhood – your family of origin. Is there:

A vow about being hurt?A vow about being dominated?

Is there a lie about your significance or importance?

Is there a lie about your capability?

What lies do you believe about yourself?

What is the Truth?

We must work to identify - to bring into out awareness - to bring into the light -

the unsaid.

This process of self-awareness is hard work. It takes a lot of courage.

It is a process that takes time.

What is Possible?

There are very few things that I can’t choose to change.

Anxiety is contagious – but so it calmness.

Become Self-Regulated

• Take responsibility for your own life. Don’t blame others or take a victim mentality.

• The only person you can change is you. Face yourself.

• Recognize & manage your anxiety. Take responsibility for identifying your feelings & processing them.

Become Self-Regulated

• Manage your emotions. Avoidance is a way we minimize anxiety and choose to not take responsibility.

• Learn to calm yourself and become a less anxious presence.

Ask yourself: “What is my role in keeping this

problem in place?”

“How can I change my role?

Manage Reactivity

• Stop• Think – Be self-aware.• Calm yourself – Manage your own anxiety.• Listen to understand.• Ask questions.• Observe.• Clarify your thoughts & your values.• Stay connected. Stay in the conversation.• Say what is “so” for you.

To be less defensive & automatically reactive to others

requires discipline.

Nonanxious responses include:

• Being thoughtful before acting• Staying calm and poised• Using I statements• Maintaining awareness of self• Focusing on the larger purposes rather than

winning the argument• Asking questions• Resisting the impulse to attack or cut-off.