Who Me? Angry?

Presented by:Diane Wagenhals, M.Ed., CFLEWebsite: www.lakesidednet.com

Course Goals

Delineate among communication styles foranger and the manifestations of each

Become self-aware and other-aware regardingthe basic anger response

Develop a specific formula an adult mightcreate and memorize to serve as a guidethrough an anger process with a child

Exercise other options that may be necessaryin an anger process with a child

We expect to help participants:

Basic Anger Response When people feel anger they either let it out or keep

it in. This is known as “Anger-Out” or “Anger-In”

responses. Each has potential to be more or less healthy and

appropriate. Anger-Out occurs when anger may be honestly and

fairly expressed or may be used to blame or attack. Anger-In occurs when anger is experienced but not

expressed. The following chart is adapted from Honor Your

Anger by Beverly Engel.

Anger-In People Anger-Out People

Believe it is better to keep anger tooneself

Feel better after they have talked tosomeone else about what angered them

Try to talk themselves out of beingangry

Prefer to confront people who anger themas soon as possible

Believe it is a sign of weakness tolet others know they triggeredanger

Often feel empowered by their anger

Prefer to let bygones by bygonesrather than confront whoever hurt oroffended them

Are unable to forgive and forget until theyhave expressed anger toward whomeverhurt them

Describe themselves asdoing anything to avoid anargument or fight

Prefer to have it out with others even if itinvolves an argument so they don’t have tosit on their feelings

Anger-In People Anger-Out People

Tend to harbor bad feelingstoward those who have harmed orangered them

Get angry quickly and get over it just asquickly

Often doubt whether they havethe right to disagree or be angry

Feel they have the right to express theiranger

May get sick or depressed whenthere are disagreements betweenthem and others

Find that physical exercise helps them blowoff steam

Will pretend to agree rather thanrisk an argument Sometimes regret what they have said or

done when angry

Will refrain from getting angrybecause they are afraid of how theother person might react

When angry let off steam without consideringthe possible consequences

Anger-In People Anger-Out People

Believe others think they arepushovers

Other people describe them ashaving a bad temper

Fear that if they begin to expresstheir anger, they might lose control

Often feel out of control with their anger

Find it difficult to find a way torelease their anger

Often raise their voices or screamwhen angry

Tend to believe criticisms andberate themselves

Feel that most people’s accusations aboutthem are false and therefore they need todefend themselves to protect their honor

Tend to stay in relationships withangry abusive people even thoughwould like to end relationships

May have ended relationships when angryand regretted it later

Anger-In People Anger-Out People

Are afraid of physical anger orconfrontations

Get into trouble because of their tendency toexplode in anger

May have been physically abusedby someone angry at them

May become physically violent when theybecome angry

Anger Communication Styles Four basic styles that are typically unhealthy for

individuals and more destructive for relationships:~ Passive~ Aggressive~ Passive-Aggressive~ Projective-Aggressive

Two styles that are typically healthier for individuals andmore constructive for relationships:

~ Assertive~ Reflective

Passive An avoiding, imploding style of anger Tends to be opposite of aggressive Has as its goals to avoid conflict or confrontation so

never communicate real feelings, needs,perspectives

Find it difficult to say “no” without feeling guilty May be afraid of becoming angry out of fear of

retribution, losing control or alienating others May pretend to agree or go along with things they

are really opposed to

4 Manifestations of Passive Style Passive Style that primarily involves denial~ Believe they seldom, if ever, get angry~ Are unaware of how their body feels when angry~ Are surprised at intensity of anger when it comes out~ Disown their anger

Passive Style that primarily involves avoiding

~ Believe anger is a destructive emotion to be avoided~ Feel it is beneath them to become angry~ Are usually conscious of their anger~ Avoid letting other people know they are angry

4 Manifestations of Passive Style Passive Style that primarily “stuffs” anger~ Tend to be deniers or avoiders who use food orother substances to push down their anger~ Try to distract themselves or talk themselves out of it~ May overeat, abuse alcohol or drugs, shoplift,gamble…

Passive Style that primarily self-blames~ Avoid anger at others by turning it on self~ May have too much empathy for others~ May think they bring out the worst in others~ Have a tendency to get depressed

Aggressive Tends to be opposite of passive forms of anger

communication Has as communication goals to overpower with

words or behavior, to intimidate, accuse, control,humiliate, shame

Tend to address anger in direct but forceful ways Assume they have the right to be angry and express

their anger Tend to impose their anger on person or situation

without reservation Insist that other people change

5 Manifestations of Aggressive Style Aggressive style that primarily involves erupting

~ Have sudden outbursts, often without warning~ Often described as having bad tempers, “hotheads”~ May say or do things they regret later~ Overall do not handle frustration well

Aggressive style that primarily involves rage~ Overly sensitive to criticism or rejection~ Want to make other person feel as badly as theydo~ Often defend against their shame by becomingenraged~ Can get on a roll and continue berating someonefor hours

5 Manifestations of Aggressive Style

Aggressive style that primarily involves blaming~ Are seldom satisfied~ Frequently complain about behaviors of others~ Focus more on negatives in life and with people~ In general are not very self-aware

Aggressive style that primarily involvescontrolling and dominating

~ Behave in inflexible, even cruel, ways~ Are often vengeful~ Often act out anger in abusive ways~ Get in trouble with the law

5 Manifestations of Aggressive Style Aggressive style that is primarily abusive

~ Tend to be consistently abusive toward others~ See their needs as paramount~ Blatantly disregard needs and feelings of others~ Tend to be highly unreasonable and demanding~ Blame others for all their problems~ Take out their frustrations on others~ Are incapable of empathizing with others~ Are insulting, often swear or curse at others~ May withhold basic necessities such as food, clothing~ Tend to be paranoid~ Are arrogant and self-righteous

Passive-Aggressive Involves being simultaneously passive and

aggressive Involves use of defense mechanisms Anger and hostility are at the core Has as communication goals to deceptively coerce

and strip power from others without being found out Anger is expressed via resistance, delays, losing

things Pretend to themselves and others that they are

passive and content with being that way May be completely convinced they are seldom angry

despite the fact that others experience them ashostile

Passive-Aggressive May often gossip about and bad-mouth others while

appearing to be sweet and innocent Tend to shy away from direct confrontations out of

fear of the challenges or loss of support that mayresult

Tend to constantly confuse, irritate and provokeothers

Try to achieve autonomy in an indirect way While they hate to be ordered around, they are often

attracted to controlling people Most often expressed in intimate relationships

4 Manifestations of Passive-Aggressive Style

Passive-Aggressive that primarily involvessneaky

~ Find underhanded ways of getting back~ Silently plan revenge~ Find revenge sweet

Passive-Aggressive that primarily involves escaping

~ Find manipulative ways to get out of being toldwhat to do~ Resent being asked to do something~ May agree to do something with no intention offollow through~ May have reputation for being irresponsible

Passive-Aggressive that primarily involves sulking

~ Let people know they are angry in indirect ways~ Use deep sighs as preferred mode of communication~ Will often refuse to talk or participate

Passive-Aggressive that primarily involvespretending~ Couch anger and resentment in sweet loving words~ Have uncanny ability to make others angry~Are experts at communicating hostility in indirect ways

4 Manifestations of Passive-Aggressive Style

Projective-Aggressive Involves unconscious defense mechanism used to

relieve feelings Often comes entirely from person’s imagination Project their anger onto others as a way to avoid,

deny, withhold anger Are good at getting others to act out their anger for

them Often elicit anger in others because their anger can

be very irritating May often complain to others of being mistreated

3 Manifestations of Projective-Aggressive Projective-Aggressive that primarily involves

Ventriloquism~ Find ways for others to be their voice~ See their anger in others when it really belongs to them~ Are often afraid of others’ angerProjective-Aggressive that primarily involvesbelieving they are “Innocent Victims”

~ Will take on victim role in relationships~ Often become involved with abusive partners so thatthe more they withhold anger the more partner willexperience and express theirs

Projective-Aggressive that primarily involvesbelieving they are “Anger Magnets”

~ Are often so deadened to own anger they cannot spotanger in others~ Attracted to intense, angry or aggressive people~ Often surprised to discover someone is an extremelyangry person~ Have pattern of getting involved with angry or abusivepeople

3 Manifestations of Projective-Aggressive

Reflective Style Promotes emotional and relational health Tend to refrain from outwardly expressing anger Give themselves time to calm down Spend time to think about why situation may have

occurred If they decide to communicate their feelings, may do

so more calmly than those who use assertive style Apply healthier traits of assertive style in their own

way

Assertive Style Can recognize and state their needs in direct, open

and honest ways Can simultaneously assess, consider and appreciate

the needs, feelings and perspectives of others Do not expect others to read their minds Are true to themselves, their values, standards,

goals Expect to treat others with fairness and dignity Use anger as a signal and tool, not a weapon Take responsibility for their emotions

Assertive Style Avoid attacking, blaming, threatening, yelling Speak in slow, clear ways Maintain eye contact Match voice tone and facial expression with

assertive message Avoid accusations Are time sensitive Use assertive I-message communication formula

stating facts, feelings and a fair request

Possible Assertive Responses The following are healthy, assertive responses a

person can make if unfairly challenged, discountedor treated in an unhealthy way

~ Use a broken record technique~ Refuse to be diverted~ Acknowledge other person’s perspective~ Delay from position of strength~ Share your expectations, goals and intentions~ Decide to end the conversation~ Remove yourself with confidence~ Find someone safe with whom you can process

New Paradigm Training Institute(NPTI) Sample Formula Who is this for? Adults What is it?A set of steps to use as a standard

response when experiencing anger toward a child When is it used? Whenever faced with a situation

that is provoking an angry response within you Where can it be used? Whatever setting you find

yourself feeling angry Why is it beneficial? Having a pre-planned and

specific set of responses prepares you to be angrywithout emotionally or physically hurting a child

NPTI Sample Formula How can it be used? Use the following specific

steps. Plan and rehearse them.

Step 1: MantraStep 2: DescriptionStep 3: Identify Trigger (why this is a problem)Step 4: Perspective (what you say to yourself)Step 5: Plan outcome

Options: Reassure; Apologize; Forgive(intentionally let go)

Step 1: Mantra Decide on a mantra to say and act out when anger

first hits you. This is your standard and immediate first reaction. It does not attack, accuse, blame, shame or

condemn. Should be said with appropriate voice tone and

volume. Can be said silently (in your head) or out loud. You can accompany verbal expression with physical

behavior (gritting teeth, stomping feet) Example: “I am so angry right now. I can handle it

well.”

Step 2: Describe Situation State facts. Avoid all forms of evaluation, criticism or global

statements. This description should be said in calmer voice Example: “I see…water all over the floor from an

overflowing bathtub.”

Step 3: Send I-Message Construct and state as an I-message the trigger for

your anger. Said with great emotion but if you feel yourself

getting out of control, return to mantra. Example: “I am upset because this will be so hard to

clean up.”

Step 4: Send I-Message Send I-message that gives you perspective. State to yourself as much as to the child one or more

standard I-messages that help you gain a clear andhealthy perspective.

This may help you reframe the situation. Example: “I know that five-year-olds can’t always

think about how much of a problem this couldcause.”

Step 5: Decide Outcome Determine which of the three outcomes is most

appropriate.

~ Let it go because it is not your problem and noaction is needed by you.~ Take charge and assume the role of disciplinarianand limit setter.~ Problem to explore on your own or with child,develop a plan for dealing with the problem and foravoiding it in the futureExample: “We need to sit down later and come upwith a plan so this doesn’t happen again.”

Step 6: Review Process How well you handled your anger Which steps you followed and how well you followed

them What you might have changed What you deserve credit for What the outcome appears to be for you, the child

and your relationship

Other Options: Reassure

At any point in the process that it appears youranger is deeply frightening or traumatizing the child,it is important to interject one or more rehearsedreassuring statements.

Example: “I know I look (or sound) scary right now.I am angry and in a little while I will calm down. Youdon’t have to be afraid.”

Other Options: Apologize If you have stepped outside a healthy process and

believe you went too far, generalized, blamed,shamed or threatened, you may need to apologize.

Example: “I am sorry for hurting your feelings. Ineed to work on thinking more clearly when I amangry.”

Other Options: Forgive Decide to accept that, for whatever reason,

something wrong happened, something wasunreasonable, unfair, a betrayal, a disappointmentbut that you are letting go of your anger and anyneed for acknowledgment or apology.

Example: “I have decided to move on. [Thebehavior] is no longer an issue for me.”

Helpful Reminders The goal is “anger without insult.” The entire process may need to occur over several

hours and sometimes days. Adults need to take their time in order to be in

sufficient control. Children benefit from learning that anger is normal

and healthy. More is at stake than just momentary relief resulting

from expressing your anger.

“Think About” Homework Educators are invited to consider the specific ways

to delineate among communication styles for anger. Educators are invited to consider ways they can

embrace and incorporate the beliefs, attitudes,values and behaviors of Assertive and ReflectiveAnger styles.

Educators are invited to consider when and howthey night apply formulas presented in today’ssession.

Recommended Reading Anger Disorders: Definition, Diagnosis and Treatment.

Howard Kassinove, 1995.

Honor Your Anger. Beverly Engel, 2004.

Liberated Parents/Liberated Children. Adel Faber andElaine Mazlish, 1999.

The Anger Control Workbook. Matthew McKay, Ph.D. andPeter Rogers, Ph.D., 2003.