When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your...
Transcript of When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your...
When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
} Your physical, emotional, and spiritual “property lines” that define what is “you” and “not you”, what is your responsibility and what is not, and what you are to own
} Examples: Skin, Words, Truth, Geographical Distance, Time, Emotional Distance, Other People, Consequences
} Things within your boundaries: your Feelings, Attitudes, Beliefs, Behaviors, Choices, Values, Limits, Talents, Thoughts, Desires, Love
} Compliant – say “yes” to the bad, can’t say “no”, can’t set boundaries, feels guilty and/or controlled by others
} Avoidant – say “no” to the good, can’t hear “yes”, sets boundaries against receiving the care of others
} Controller – can’t hear “no”, aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries of others
} Nonresponsive – can’t say “yes”, sets boundaries against the responsibility to love, doesn’t acknowledge the needs of others
} Functional boundaries – ability to complete a task, project, or job
} Relational boundaries – ability to speak the truth to others with whom we are in relationship
} Bonding: our deepest need is to be in relationship, to have a spiritual and emotional home
} Bonding is the foundation of boundary development because you cannot develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others
} Separation and Individuation: perceiving yourself as distinct from others, and developing your own personal identity
} Three phases: differentiation, practicing, rapprochement
} Tools: anger, ownership, “no”
} Withdrawal From Boundaries } Hostility Against Boundaries } Over-control } Lack of Limits } Inconsistent Limits } Trauma } Our Own Character Traits } Our Own Sinfulness
} As you were growing up, what did you learn about boundaries and saying no? Were those things good or bad? How did you learn that?
} When have you acted lovingly in hopes that you’d be loved in return? Did you receive the love you wanted? When have you received a favor only to find that you’ve hurt that person’s feelings by not figuring out the price tag attached?
} Who, if anyone, has withdrawn in response to your boundaries? Responded with hostility? When have you withdrawn or been hostile in response to other people’s boundaries?
} What areas in your life had too many limits? Too few? Inconsistent limits? What has been the impact?