1LearnCom714 Industrial Drive, Bensenville, IL 60106610-526-9100 800-622-3610 610-525-2563

MEETING GUIDEto accompany...

A Film Based on the # 1 Best Selleron Assertiveness Training

byManuel J. Smith

starringDr. Smith, June Lockhart, and Fred Sherman

LearnCom714 Industrial Drive, Bensenville, IL 60106610-526-9100 800-622-3610 610-525-2563

When I Say No,I Feel Guilty

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2CONTENTSAbout the film 3

Meeting Mechanics and Set-up 3

Trainer Preparation 4

Possible uses of this film 4

Sample Introduction 5

Possible discussion points after film 5

For trainers who wish to conduct a SAT workshopor course 6

Skills demonstrated in film 7

Meeting guide by Fred Sherman

Fred Sherman is a training consultant to industry and government. He has presentedworkshops in Systematic Assertive Training to workshops and classes in the United States,Canada, and Europe. Mr. Sherman is an instructor at UCLA and collaborated with Dr.Manuel J. Smith on his best-selling book on SAT, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.

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3ABOUT THE FILMWorking in partnership with the trainer, the producers of WHEN I SAY N0, I FEEL GUILTYhope to provide an important program for participants that will place them back on theroad to verbal assertiveness.

To date, Systematic Assertiveness Training has been presented to a rapidly increasingnumber of business executives, managers, salespeople, government workers, therapists,counselors, teachers, students and laymen. This has been done by a relatively smallnumber of trainers who are sufficiently familiar with SAT skills. The film based on thebook, WHEN I SAY N0, I FEEL GUILTY, presents the basis for SAT and demonstrates therelevant verbal assertive skills for the benefit of both participants and trainers.

Because of time limitations, the film concentrates on an introduction to SAT and its basicverbal skills. This Meeting Guide suggests follow up discussion questions and material youmight want to incorporate in handout materials for participants in order to reinforce thefilms message.

We also suggest you consider giving each participant a paperback or hardcover copy ofWHEN I SAY N0, I FEEL GUILTY. The producers will help you obtain copies of the books.

MEETING MECHANICS AND SET-UPIn any conference or training program involving the combination of a film and discussion -the physical setting is extremely important. Here are some tips that will help you avoidproblems:

1. Keep the group small where possible. Although WHEN I SAY N0, I FEEL GUILTY canstand alonediscussion is recommended. It is more productive in small groups.

2. Provide an informal setting. Provide paper and pencil for the participants.

3. Test the room for distracting noises such as fans, etc.

4. The use of an auxiliary speaker in front of the audience will improve significantly theprojectors sound capability.

5. Check the blackout curtains or drapes to makes the room as dark as possible during thefilms screening.

6. Most mechanical problems can be prevented. Check the projector carefully.

A. Is there a spare projector bulb handy?

B. In a large room, does the projectors lens have a long enough throw?

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4C. Is the operator completely familiar with the projector? Test its operation beforethe meeting begins.

D. Has the operator cleaned the gate of the projector? This will prevent filmscratches.

E. Most film damage is the result of improper threading. Thread thefilm carefully, watching to see that the sprockets are meshing properly. Run pastthe leader to the first frame before the audience arrives.

F. Has the operator checked the sync of the film before the meeting? An outof-sync film is generally the result of faulty threading.

TRAINER PREPARATIONMinimum Preparation: 1) look at the film at least twiceonce for a general impressionand enjoyment and again for specific content; 2) review this guide.

Better Preparation: 1) read the book WHEN I SAY NO, I FEEL GUILTY; 2) participate in aSystematic Assertive Training workshop.

POSSIBLE USES OF THIS FILM1. As an introduction to a course or workshop on Assertive Training.

2. As the stimulus for a discussion on SAT.

3. The topic for a department or branch staff meeting.

4. Training for staffs in the helping professions counseling, crisis intervention, or toexplore more effective ways of doing their jobs.

A. Dealing with inter-staff conflicts. B. Dealing with clients.

C. Helping clients cope with interpersonal conflicts.

5. Part of a training module for an Administration or Personnel Management program.

6. A teaching unit in a Psychology or Counseling Education class.FO

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5SAMPLE INTRODUCTIONWere going to see a film today on Systematic Assertive Training. Id like to discuss thefilm with you after weve seen it. First, how many of you have heard of `Assertion or`Assertiveness or `Assertive Training? What do you think its about? (Elicit definitionsand answers) Lets see how its approached in this film.

(SHOW FILM)

POSSIBLE DISCUSSION POINTS AFTER FILM1. Do you have a different idea now as to what Assertiveness is?

2. What are some things you like about it?

3. What are some things you dont like about it? Are there some things that bother orconcern you about it? (Facilitate discussion)

4. What verbal skills were presented in the film? (Redefine each skill)

5. Do you see places in your life where you would like to be more assertive?

6. What applications do you see (depending on composition of participants) in dealingwith:

A. Salespeople? I. Students?B. Manipulative clients or customers? J. Teachers?C. Fellow workers (peers)? K. Interviewing someone?D. Subordinates? L. Being interviewed?E. Supervisors? M. Doctors, Lawyers and other exalted ones?F. Friends? N. Children?G. Loved ones? 0. Parents?H. Hated ones? P. Others?

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6FOR TRAINERS WHO WISH TO CONDUCT A SAT WORKSHOPOR COURSEFor sample dialogues and for further descriptions of the skills, see the book WHEN I SAYNO, I FEEL GUILTY.

If you have a group whose occupations, interests, or problems are similar, make up yourown dialogues around relevant issues and conflict situations. You might have theparticipants work in groups of three; an Asserter, a Manipulator, and an Observer. Writescripts for the Asserter and the Manipulator that describe their goals in the exercise.

Sample: Exercise in Fogging, Broken Record and Self-Disclosure

Prepare a descriptive page for the Asserter, another page for the Manipulator.Direct them to practice the skills-much as the students in the film were directed.

ASSERTER: A DIRECTIVE HAS COME FROM YOUR SUPERVISOR STATING THAT YOURDEPARTMENT HAS EXCEEDED ITS OVERTIME BUDGET AND THAT STARTING THIS WEEK NOOVERTIME WILL BE ALLOWED. THIS DIRECTIVE COMES AT A PARTICULARLY BAD TIME-YOUHAVE A LARGE CONTRACT TO GET OUT WHICH REQUIRES THAT PRODUCTION BEMAINTAINED AT THE PRESENT LEVEL. THIS DIRECTIVE WILL NOT BE POPULAR WITH YOUREMPLOYEES.

YOU ARE CALLING A MEETING NOW TO NOTIFY YOUR EMPLOYEE OF HIS DIRECTIVE.

MANIPULATOR: YOUR BOSS HAS JUST CALLED A MEETING TO INFORM YOU THAT THEREWILL BE NO OVERTIME PAY BECAUSE THE DEPARTMENT HAS EXCEEDED ITS OVERTIMEBUDGET. YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING OVERTIME TO GET A LARGE CONTRACT OUT. THERE ISNO WAY THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO THE WORK EFFECTIVELY WITHOUT OVERTIME. YOUFEEL THAT YOUR BOSS DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BEST INTEREST IN MIND, AFTER ALL HESHOULD HAVE TOLD UPPER MANAGEMENT THAT IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO GET THISCONTRACT OUT WITHOUT OVERTIME. YOU GRUMBLE ABOUT HIS COMPETENCE AS AMANAGERWHAT DOES HE THINK YOU ARE, SUPERMAN? YOU ARE ALREADY HANDLINGMORE THAN YOU CAN JUST IN THE REGULAR WORKING DAY. DID YOUR BOSS EVEN MAKE ANEFFORT TO CHANGE UPPER MANAGEMENTS DECISION?

SUGGESTIONS:

YOUR BOSS SOLD YOU OUTEVERYONE IS GOING TO QUITTHE UNION WONT STAND FOR THISWHY CANT WE GET EXTRA PERSONNEL

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7Instruct the Observer to note:

1. Is the asserter using the verbal skill as taught?

2. Does the asserter respond readily and easily?

3. Note the non-verbal behavioramount of eye contact, tone of voice, body postureand gestures.

4. Where did the asserter have difficulty?

5. What did the manipulator do that made things difficult?

6. Feedback your observations to your group.

If you have less than two hours to work on skills, we suggest that you concentrate onFOGGING and BROKEN RECORD and learn them well rather than trying to cover all theskills quickly. The skills are most valuable when they have been learned to the extentthat the participant can employ them with a minimum of anguish. Each single exercisecould go on for five to ten minutes, followed by feedback from the observers as to howeffectively the asserter was employing the skills.

SKILLS DEMONSTRATED IN FILMYou might consider preparing a handout for all film viewers from the followingdefinitions, examples and notes:

1. BROKEN RECORD

A skill that by calm repetition-saying what you want over and over again-teachespersistence without your having to rehearse arguments or angry feelings beforehand,in order to be up while dealing with others. Allows you to feel comfortable inignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting, irrelevant logic, whilesticking to your point. (In the film, Broken Record is covered from: FREDSkill No. 1.Broken Record. A skill that by calm repetition . . . to PETE: Skill No. 1. BrokenRecord. Remain focused on your goal without giving up or losing your temper.)

2. FOGGING

A skill that teaches acceptance of manipulative criticism by calmly acknowledging toyour critic the possibility that there may be some truth in what he says, yet allows youto remain your own judge of what you do.

Allows you to receive criticism comfortably without becoming anxious or defensive,while giving no reward to those using manipulative criticism.

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8Examples:

A. Agree With TruthYoure wearing that shirt today.Thats right; I am wearing this shirt.(rather than Whats wrong with this shirt?

B. Agree With The Possibility-However SlightYoure not very organized.Maybe Im not very organized. (rather than Whaddaya mean, not organized!You should talk!)

C. Agree With LogicIf we bought a new car now, instead of keeping the old clunker, wed be a lot saferout on the road and we wouldnt have these high repair bills.Youre right. A new car would have those advantages. (rather than There you go,another way to spend my money. Why do you keep etc. etc. etc . . .)

D. Allow For ImprovementNobodys PerfectYour dresses dont fit you.Im sure they could fit better.

E. EmpathyYoure being very unfair.I can see how you feel that Im unfair.

(In the film, Fogging is covered from: FRED Skills No. 2., 3., and 4. the copingskills... to the end of the practice exercise on fogging between Jane and John.

3. NEGATIVE ASSERTION

A skill that teaches acceptance of your errors and faults (without having to apologize)by strongly and sympathetically agreeing with hostile or constructive criticism of yournegative qualities.

Allows you to look more comfortably at negatives in your own behavior or personalitywithout feeling defensive and anxious, or resorting to denial of real errors, while atthe same time reducing your critics anger or hostility.

Note the non-verbal components of Negative Assertion. The tone of voice is neitherapologetic nor hostile. You are asserting your error, not simply admitting it.Negative Assertion is similar to fogging, but differs in that:

A. You actually made the error or possess the fault (rather than a possibility that ithappened).

B. You agree with your critics value system that your act was a negative thing (dumb,forgetful, poor judgment, etc.)

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9(In the film, Negative Assertion is illustrated immediately after Fogging. From: BILL -But what if the criticism is for making a mistake ... to: PETE - ... Negativeassertion helped him extinguish the criticism.)

4. NEGATIVE INQUIRYA skill that teaches the active prompting of criticism in order to use the information (ifhelpful) or exhaust it (if manipulative) while prompting your critic to be moreassertive and less dependent on manipulative ploys.

Allows you more comfortably to seek out criticism about yourself in close relationshipswhile prompting the other person to express honest negative feelings and improvecommunication.

NOTES:A. Turn the spotlight on yourself, not on your critic. What is it about me thats wrong. If

you focus on your critic, you will most likely get a defensive reaction that will notfacilitate communication.

B. Actively invite the criticism, both verbally and non-verbally. You will elicit feelingsfrom your critic more effectively if you convey the message, Im very eager to hearthis valuable information. I want to know more.

C. Specify the criticism. Listen closely to the words and help the critic focus on exactlywhat is wrong.

You say Im dressed sloppy? What is it about the way Im dressed thats sloppy?Well, your shoes, for one thing.What is it about my shoes thats sloppy?Well, just look at them. You havent shined them in a month.Then its my shoes not being shined that makes me look sloppy?Yes-thats one thing.

D. Exhaust the criticism.Is there anything else about my shoes that is wrong? Or,Is there anything besides my shoes that makes me look sloppy? Or,There must be more things about me that are wrong than just my clothing. Or,Are you sure theres nothing else thats wrong with me?

E. Analyze the criticism.What is it about__________thats wrong?

F. Listen for the I statement. Remember that criticism comes from other peoples valuesystems, that they are often unaware that their subjective value systems areoperating, and that behind every piece of criticism is a statement, I dont like it.Negative inquiry is especially helpful in breaking through feelings. Only then can youmake agreements, compromises, or conclusions that have a solid basis.

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G. Specify what the critic wants. You might make unwarranted assumptions if you dontdo this.

It sounds like you want me to clear things with you before I submit an ImprovementNeeded evaluation.

Yes ... Well, no. Go ahead and make the decision. Just be sure to let me know assoon as possible. Its when I dont know that youve done it that I have problems.

(In the film, Negative Inquiry is illustrated immediately after Negative Assertion. From:JUNE -So, okay, thats two of the three basic coping skills ... to: (the end of theNegative Inquiry exercise between June and Fred).

5. FREE INFORMATION

Free Information is any information besides a yes or no answer that a persongives you about him/herself. It may or may not have anything to do with the questionyou asked. Listen to the words and comment on them.

If you ask questions that begin with What, When, Where, or How, the reply will usuallyfurnish you, with more Free Information than questions that can be answered yes orno. E.g., What are some things you like most about your work? will give you moreFree Information than Do you like you work?

6. SELF-DISCLOSURE

A skill that teaches the acceptance and initiation of discussion of both the positive andnegative aspects of your personality, behavior, lifestyle, and intelligence to enhancesocial communication and reduce manipulation. It allows you comfortably to discloseaspects of yourself and your life that previously caused feelings of ignorance, anxiety,or guilt.

Self-disclosures are I statements. They describe feelings going on inside us at themoment. We take full responsibility for these feelings and do not blame others for them.Thus, You are making me very angry. is not a self-disclosure, but I am getting veryangry at you. is.

Sample Self-Disclosures:

I enjoy being with you.Im confused.I dont know.I really like what you said.Im annoyed.Im not comfortable.

Our relationship is very important to me.I would like to understand it better.I dont know the answer to that.Im feeling pressed right now.Id like to think a minute before answering you.

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