What's YOURLove Language?

And why is it important?

Stephnie Thomas

Revelation:

•We all give and receive love in different ways•Our relationship with God is dependent on how we best relate to Him

Loving on purpose: Danny Silk's take on the love languages

•Forming healthy connections between people•What are the goals of your marriage?•The distance between me and you to feel safe?OR

•A loving, intimate connection?• John 15:13. No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends.

What are the goals of your relationships with your children?

•The distance between me and you to feel safe?

OR•A loving, intimate connection?• John 15:13. No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends.

What are the goals of your relationships with friends?•The distance between me and you to feel safe?

OR•A loving, intimate connection?• John 15:13. No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends.

Loving on purpose

•Takes work

•Defenses rise when we are not connected

•Living defended promotes more disconnection

•Easy to slip into defensive relationships

Gary Chapman, Author

•"Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English"• Substitute the words child, friend, co-worker, etc for the word "spouse"

God designed us with differences• 1Cor 12: [14] Now the body is not made up of one part but of many.

[15] If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. [16] And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. [17] If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? [18] But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. [19] If they were all one part, where would the body be? [20] As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

• [21] The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don't need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don't need you!” [22] On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, [23] and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor.

•We have differences in giving and receiving love. God encompasses, receives, and expresses all the differences

• Have you ever seen a kid beam from ear to ear when an adult tells them "well done?"

• Matthew 25:21 “His master replied, "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!’

How?• Specific• Sincere• Look for the Gold in the

other person, and speak words of encouragement

• Instill courage• Learn what is affirming

to that person

When?• As often as

possible• Imagine filling love

tanks

Connection

I feel loved when I believe that you like me• Words are life!• Words contain value for who

I am• Words say I believe in you. • Smile at them

Disconnection

• Hypersensitive to criticism and anger

• Protect self from angry words

• Important to build "hero sandwiches" – "you rock, you suck, you rock."Important to create a safe place before giving criticsm

• My husband shows me he really loves me when he cleans up the kitchen in the morning

• Dorcas. • Acts 9:36, 39 " In Joppa there was a disciple named

Tabitha (which, when translated, is Dorcas*), who was always doing good and helping the poor. …All the widows stood around him, …showing him the robes and other clothing that Dorcas had made

Connection• I feel loved when you

take care of things that are important to me

• Doing things for them• Anticipating needs and

meeting them • Accomplishing specific

tasks

Disconnection• Filled with anxiety when the

trash is full or the house is untidy

Can feel like control when she gives hints. She is asking to be loved!

• I feel loved when you help me

• This person loves to give and receive gifts• The gift is special, well thought out, sometimes

beautifully wrapped• Gifts can be things, time, etc• A handwritten note means far more than a store-

bought card

• Feels loved through the symbol of this gift

• You know me through the gifts you give

• You have been paying attention to me

• Forget an important date:

• The injury of not being thought about

• Giving the wrong thing

Connection Disconnection

Differences in giving

• Gen 4: 3-4 "Cain brought some of the fruits…But Abel brought fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock."

• The contrast is not between an offering of plant life and an offering of animal life, but between a careless, thoughtless offering and a choice, generous offering … Motivation and heart attitude are all-important, and God looked with favor on Abel and his offering because of Abel's faith (Heb 11:4). NIVSB.

If you really love me you will spend time with me

• Can be as simple as a cup of coffee at Starbucks

• Tim – one of his primary love languages

Connection• I feel loved when you

show interest in me• Sharing in an activity or

conversation that is important to them

• Be engaged in the conversation

• Willing participation in their interests or hobbies

Disconnection• Can't have quality time

with ESPN!• I feel rejected when you

don't value my interests• Be distracted or

uninterested• Fail to listen well• Fail to make time for

connecting with them

Tim – beer tasting in Williamsburg.

• Some people assume this is all about sex – NOT!

• These are the folks for whom a hug means the world

• Dulce and Gary – primary love language for them both

• Me – brought up in a home where there was little to no physical touch – this is a love language I struggle with, as it is one I have to consciously remember to do

Connection• Touch • I feel connected when we

are touching• Physical contact• Physical proximity• Contact frequency

Disconnection• Lack of touch • I feel rejected and neglected

when you don't touch me• Missed opportunities for

touching• Neglecting personal daily

allowance• Extended periods of time

between contactIf you are not a touch love language: "get off of me!"• New moms!

Why should we acknowledge each other’s love languages?•Knowing another's love language enables you to meet them where they are and helps you to know how to minister to them

• It enables you to meet them where they feel loved.

•Speaking their love language opens up connection

Marital counseling tool: the Caring Behaviors Chart

Caring behaviors chart

Steph did this today Forming Connection Tim did this today

Mon Tues Wed Thurs Fri Sat Sun

Positive, caring behaviors that meet each other's

love languages

Mon Tues Wed Thurs Fri Sat Sun

Tell me something you appreciated about me today (Affirmation)

Empty the dishwasher (Service)

Buy me a book I have been wanting to read

(Gifts)

Give me a hug today(Physical Touch)

Go on a date to Starbucks

(Quality Time)

What do you do if you realize you are disconnected?•Apologize

•Look for ways to make the other feel loved – even if it is not your primary love language

•Protect the connections

•Understand when we disconnect

•Communicate your needs

Emotional Love Tanks

•Gary Chapman: "Inside every child is an emotional love tank" … If the tank is not being filled, the child misbehaves.• Josiah – Acts of service. Me cooking him dinner is an act of love for him. Looks self-centered on the outside "why can't the lazy bum do it himself?" But is actually filling his love tank.•Esther – David Cox, her science teacher in 8th grade gave a significant word of encouragement – " I think you can do honors classes" – Girl finished 9th grade doing well in all honors classes with a 3.9 GPA

Love Tanks???

•Recognize everyone has different love tanks

• What fills up one person's love tank may barely touch another's

•God is the source. He fills our love tank in the way we hear it.

•Come to the relationship not to get love needs met, but to give love from God, your source of love

Does God Know your Love Language?• Eph 4:8 Therefore He says: "when He

ascended on high, he led captivity captive and gave gifts to men

• Mark 10:13. Then they brought little children to Him that they might touch them…

• Deuteronomy 7:23. But The Lord your God will deliver (serve) them before you

Does God Know your Love Language?

• Judges 13:9 God listened to the voice of Manoah: and the angel of God came again to the woman as she was sitting in the field, but Manoah her husband was a not with her

• Matthew 3:17 and suddenly a voice came from heaven, saying, "this is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased (Affirm)"

• Think about which is your primary love language.

• We will divide up across the auditorium into love language groups.

• Talk about why you think you might fit in that group

• Then – each group to go to another group and talk about why and how they can show connections to each other through each other’s love language

Resources

• http://vimeo.com/39484374• http://www.5lovelanguages.com