Whats Love Got To Do With It? Joanna Refvem, LPC [email protected] NCSCA Annual Conference 2009.
34
-
Upload
cullen-sherrod -
Category
Documents
-
view
212 -
download
0
Transcript of Whats Love Got To Do With It? Joanna Refvem, LPC [email protected] NCSCA Annual Conference 2009.
Why This Topic?Communication is the heart of
relationshipsEffective communication
improves relationshipsUnderstanding how other people
give and receive love improves communication
What Will We Cover?A Theoretical FoundationDescription of The Five Love
LanguagesSelf AssessmentSpeaking the Love LanguagesHow to use the information in
your school counseling practice
Building the Base
Love is a Choice:“Love doesn’t erase the past but it makes the future different.”
(Chapman, The Five Love Languages, page 143)
Building the Base (cont’d)
“Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.”
(Chapman, The Five Love Languages, page 150)
Building the Base (cont’d)Children develop their primary love
language through interaction with parents and peers
Adults enter love relationships with this specific love language developed early in life
Everyone has a ‘love tank’ from which they act and interact with their world
Isolation is devastating yet loving and feeling loved can be elusive
Love is a choice: Choice Theory
Developed by William Glasser, M.D. who also developed Reality Therapy
Every person has control over themselves, but often spend much energy trying to control others
Our thoughts and actions determine our emotions and physical well-being
Five needs drive human behavior: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, fun
Choice Theory (cont’d)Each person creates a picture in their
mind of how life is, could be, or should be – called by Glasser the “Quality World”
Our “Quality World” is developed from life experiences, values, and expectations
When we perceive that our expectations (based on one of our needs) are not met, we respond or react
Our responses or reactions affect our level of effective communication
Total Behavior (Glasser cont’d)All behavior can be described by
activity, thinking, feeling and physiology
What you do and what you think direct how you feel (emotionally and physically)
Key question: Will what I am doing or about to do bring me closer to the important people in my life?
Habits of Communication
Seven Deadly Habits
CriticizingBlamingComplainingNaggingThreateningPunishingBribing/
rewarding to control
Seven Caring Habits
SupportingEncouragingListeningAcceptingTrustingRespectingNegotiating
differences
The Key ConceptsThe need for love and belonging is the
key to meeting the other basic needsWe all need loving supportive people
in our quality worldsCritical or caring habits can be learned
or unlearnedChildren who are surrounded by loving
supportive people can then develop the right balance of freedom and responsibility
Why The Five Love Languages?By understanding how others
receive communication (especially love), our relationships in our ‘quality world’ improve
Seeking understanding rather than agreement promotes stronger relationships
What Are The Five Love Languages?Words of AffirmationActs of ServiceQuality TimeReceiving GiftsPhysical Touch
Keep in mind…There are different dialects or
ways of communicating these love languages
All five love languages are important and exist to varying extents in all relationships
While we may be ‘multi-lingual’ one language will stand out over the others
Words of AffirmationEncouraging words: inspire
courageKind words: watch the toneHumble words: requests rather
than demandsRemember to:
◦Be sincere◦Praise specifics◦Praise efforts and/or results
Acts of ServiceInternally motivated desire to give one’s
energy to others as a gift, not a necessityInfluenced by the model of our parents;
our own personality; our perceptions of love; our emotions, needs, desires
Acts of love are a choice; choice cannot be coerced
Parents model and guide their children by doing for them what they cannot do for themselves
Quality TimeHearing, listening, focusing on
another to draw them out, granting freedom to express desires, dreams, concerns (especially important between parents and teens)
Many hours together may produce a few hours of quality time (cannot be forced)
Defined by what the other considers ‘quality’
Receiving GiftsKnowing the other person well
enough to know what he/she considers a gift
Removing our sense of what another “needs” and focusing on the interests and desires of others
Involves creativity, not necessarily expense
Size is not critical; intent and frequency is important
Physical TouchAppropriate time: especially for
teenagers but also with adults, sensitivity to mood is crucial
Appropriate place: some is appropriate for public; some only in private; also depends on whether it is adult to adult, or parent to child
Appropriate manner: ask questions; as parents don’t avoid physical touch but have boundaries
How To Determine Which Love Language
Ask QuestionsMake ObservationsExperiment
YOUR TURN!!
Assessments available in back of each book
Quick assessments available at Chapman’s website (www.fivelovelanguages.com)
Speaking The Love Languages
Words of AffirmationPut a note on bathroom mirror or
cereal box or in lunchSend a text message or leave a
voicemail during the day offering encouraging words or praise or support
Send a card – yes snail mail still exists!!!
Speaking The Love Languages
Acts of ServiceMake favorite meal or snack;
wake up early and make a cooked breakfast on a work/school day
Offer to help with chores/tasks/ homework
Ask your spouse/partner/child to make a list of ten things you could do for them (list in priority order)
Speaking The Love Languages
Quality TimeTogetherness: physical proximity; being
availableQuality conversation: maintain eye contact,
stop other activity, listen for feelings, observe body language, refuse to interrupt
Quality activities: as defined by the other person – what do they most enjoy doing with you?
For teens: recognize their need to be with friends; consult with them rather than assuming you know their schedule
Speaking The Love Languages
Receiving GiftsObserve what the other person
says they most want; need not always be expensive or store bought; write it down
Send flowers or candyFor teenagers: keep a ‘gift box’
they can draw from (iTunes gift certificates; candy; offer of preparing favorite meals)
Speaking The Love Languages
Physical TouchAllowing for varying moods and needs,
offer a hug or kiss or playful wrestleWhen together doing something else (e.g.
watching t.v.) sit close Announce ‘group hug’ at home and/or hold
hands during blessing a mealOffer a shoulder massage for a
partner/child under stressNote: This is the most misunderstood and misused of the love
languages. Boundaries are important, but beware of barriers to effective communication. Teenage girls need affirmation from their fathers that they are o.k. – hugs are great, and can be appropriate.
CASE STUDIESCase #1: Husband complains: “I never see her
anymore; she spends more time with friends than with me.”
Case #2: Teenage girl states: “My father never hugs me – it’s almost like he doesn’t like me.”
Case #3: Mother wonders: “How can I teach my child to do what is right; especially when it comes to chores around the house.”
Case #4: Wife laments: “He complains or criticizes or often says nothing. The silent treatment is torture.”
Case #5: Teenage boy confesses: “It’s like my parents don’t know me; come on, a flannel shirt for my birthday?!?”
AnswersCase #1: Quality TimeCase #2: Physical TouchCase #3: Acts of ServiceCase #4: Words of AffirmationCase #5: Receiving Gifts
Focus on TeensTeens are searching for identity and
independence…However:“Deep within the soul of the teenager is
the desire to feel connected, accepted, nurtured by parents.”
(Chapman, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, page 31)
“Teenagers need to hear that you accept them, even when you don’t approve of their behavior” (Ibid, page 35)
Love and AngerTeenagers need to learn how to love and
how to process angerAnger can be explosive or implosive:
either makes the teenager ‘hard’ to loveListen to explosive words/behavior w/o
losing your cool; process where they are coming from; what’s under the anger
Silence can be directed at self or a passive/aggressive tool
Patience and understanding will improve the expression of love in both directions
Love and IndependenceTeenagers demonstrate the need/desire
for: Personal spaceEmotional spaceSocial independence: friends, music,
clothingIntellectual independence: values,
moral, religious beliefsAccomplish all the above and keep the
‘love tank’ full: excruciatingly tough!!
Love and ResponsibilityBoundaries and rules are crucialSome rules about rules:
◦Less is more ◦Clarity is crucial◦Fairness is key
Rules about consequences:◦Defined ahead of time◦Administered with love◦Consistently applied
Using The Five Love Languages in the schoolsExplore the basic needs of teenagers who come to
your office for a variety of reasons (academic advice, anxiety or worry, anger or other discipline issues); in what ways is their ‘love tank’ empty?
Help parents understand that rebellion is a combination of seeking identity and independence while needing still to feel connected and loved
Use your understanding of The Five Love Languages to understand the needs and motivations of your co-workers and administrators
Offer workshops using the information offered here specifically focusing on how understanding the love language can help in the areas of anger, independence, and responsibility
If you have questions….
www.fivelovelanguages.com
www.choicescrc.com
