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ANI MOVSES AVAGYAN

WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CHILD

IS ANXIOUS, AGGRESSIVE OR

HYPERACTIVE

A Simple Guide for Parents

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Author

Ani Movses Avagyan, PhD (Psych.) candidate

This manual has been developed by Full Life non-governmental

organization, within the scope of Save the Children’s “Community

Based Services for Children with Disabilities” project.

This project is part of Save the Children’s regional initiative

simultaneously implemented in Albania, Armenia, Bosnia and

Herzegovina (North-West Balkans), Georgia and Kosovo. It aims to

empower children with disabilities to develop their potential, practice

independence and enjoy inclusion. It also strengthens families and

mobilizes communities to ensure children with disabilities are

provided with quality services they need.

The partners of the project in Armenia are Full Life NGO and Armavir

Development Center NGO. The project is being implemented over the

period 2016-2018 in Yerevan as well as the Armavir and Ararat

regions.

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From the author

Dear reader, during our professional career covering many years of work,

we have come to the conviction that any work we undertake involving children

can be effective only if the parent is also engaged as an active participant,

observing the behaviors and approaches necessary for the given case with the

child. Moreover, in many cases, the approach used by the parents and their

attitude toward the issue can prevent the occurrence of any problems in the child

or, on the contrary, can lead to an exacerbation of the given issue.

Through this simple manual, we are attempting to cover the specific

characteristics of cases of anxiety, aggressiveness, and hyperactivity, and in

particular to emphasize what the parent can do to help the child overcome the

problem, because it is known that the majority of parents of children with

anxiety, aggressiveness and hyperactivity has no idea of what their own behavior

should be and how it affects their children.

For example, we know that childhood fears are common occurrences in

children. Let us consider how parents react to the presence of one fear or another

in their child. Some of them try to convince the child that they have no need to

fear anything because there is nothing to fear. Others laugh at the child and mock

his fear. It should be stated clearly that, in both cases, the parents’ reaction will

only lead to a reinforcement of the fear in their child and to its more powerful

expression. It cannot lead to a solution to the problem. If we also add the fact that

many parents take children to charlatan “fear grabbers” or healers instead of to

professional psychologists, then it becomes clear how the lack of knowledge on

the parents’ part could lead to the further complication of their child’s condition.

This comes to prove yet again that a lot of explanatory work must be

conducted directly with parents and they should be provided with simple

literature to read. They should be involved along with educators and

psychologists to work together and develop behaviors that facilitate the

resolution of these issues in children. This manual is an attempt to fill this lack

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of simple literature in this area, and to help parents overcome the issues involving

their children.

We hope that it will be useful.

THE PARENTS’ ROLE IN OVERCOMING

THE CHILD’S ANXIETY

Anxiety is a personal psychological characteristic that is expressed

through an individual’s tendency to often experience acute anxious states as

well as through a low threshold of anxiety causation. It can be considered an

individual quality or a personality trait, which is caused by a weakness in

neural processes.1

The professional literature often considers the terms “anxiousness” and

“anxiety” to be similar, but it should be noted that they are not exactly the

same thing. Anxiousness is the expression of a state of worry or tension. The

physiological manifestation of a state of anxiety includes rapid heartbeat,

superficial breathing, a sense of dryness in the mouth, throat constriction,

weakness in the legs.2 However, besides these physiological signs, there are

also behavioral manifestations of anxiousness. Children start to bite their

nails, rock themselves in their seats, drum on the table with their fingers, pull

out their hair, spin various items in their hands, blink rapidly, bite at their

lips, and show signs of other repetitive behavior.

A state of anxiousness is not always considered a negative phenomenon.

Anxiousness sometimes allows one to display the potential of his or her

organism. For example, when a person runs away from someone else, he or

she may be able to run much faster than previously imagined. There is,

therefore, this kind of mobilizing anxiousness, which gives human beings

1 Boris Guryevich Mescheryakov, Vladimir Petrovich Zinchenko. Big Psychological

Dictionary, Third edition, Moscow, 2002, 500 pages 2 Kochubey B. I., Novikova Y. V., Emotional Stability in Schoolchildren, Moscow,

1998.

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additional resources, and there is also a weakening anxiousness, which

completely depletes a given person.

Although a person will more often demonstrate only one kind of

anxiousness over the period of his or her life, a lot depends on the style of

parental upbringing applied during the given person’s childhood. If the

parents constantly try to show the child that he or she needs help and cannot

do one thing or another without support, then the child will start to

demonstrate weakening anxiousness more often because, over time, this idea

is reinforced within him or her that even mother or father doubted his or her

abilities. This means that he or she is definitely in no position to overcome

these issues alone. Over time, this behavioral model is reinforced and starts to

dominate. And, in contrast, if the parents encourage the child to overcome

difficulties on the way to achieving his or her objectives, then the child will

grow up to a state where he or she can gather the strength to defeat these

problems.3

Rare, uncommon manifestations of anxiousness can turn into stable

states, which has been called “anxiety”. It should be noted that several

emotions form parts of the structure of anxiety including, of course, a central

space allocated to certain fears, although anxiety also includes elements of

sadness, shame, a feeling of guilt and so on.3,4

3 Ranshburg Y., Popper P., Personality Secrets, Moscow, 1983 4 Zakharov A.I., Prevention of Behavioral Deviations in Children, Saint Petersburg,

1997.

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There may be various causes

for the development of anxiety. This

issue has been broadly covered in

the professional literature but there

is still no consensus over a single

mechanism. Many studies note that

when parents are dissatisfied with

their lives, their work conditions,

the state of their material or

financial affairs, and when they often talk about this out loud in the presence

of their children, this, along with a whole range of other sociopsychological

factors leads to anxiety in the child. Thus, when parents begin to complain

about their lives out loud and express thoughts of concern, fear about the

future, a kind of lack of security, these feelings also develop in the child

because they can sense the concern felt by their parents and they also develop

a lack of security.

According to A. I. Zakharov, anxiety does not develop as a stable

personality feature in preschool and elementary schoolchildren, and it can be

completely overcome through some corrective interventions. However, he

also says that this is the age when so-called school anxiety begins to develop,

which is a clash between the demands at school and a lack of the child’s belief

in his or her own abilities, because the child believes that he or she will not

be able to succeed in fulfilling the tasks assigned by the teachers. Children are

not just worried that they will not be able to get good grades, but also that

they might ruin the relationships with their teachers or classmates.4

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To sum up, we could say that anxiety occurs more frequently when

children experience an inner conflict. The

following could be reasons for anxiety.

1. Strict demands placed before the child that

degrade the child or make him or her

dependent.

2. Demands that are beyond the child’s

abilities.

3. Demands that contradict each other,

which are often the result of uncoordinated

activities between older members of the family.

Psychological support to anxious children should, in our opinion, be

delivered in the following three areas.

1. Raising the child’s self-esteem.

2. Developing the skills of self-control and behavioral management

in difficult situations.

3. Teaching skills to overcome emotional and muscle tension.

From the point of view of working effectively in all three areas, it is

very important for the parents to be a part of these activities.

Anxious children very often have a low sense of self-esteem, which is

manifested through a pathological reaction to the criticism of the people

around them, a sense of blaming oneself for failure, and a clear fear of new,

more complicated problems. These kinds of children, as a rule, are more

often controlled by adults and their peers. Anxious children often like to

criticize others, simply because this is a way for them to feel better about

themselves. In order to help these children improve their sense of self-

esteem, they must be supported, they must be given genuine care and, to the

extent possible, their actions must be assessed in a positive light.

If the child does not receive this kind of support from his or her parents

and closer adults in the preschool and elementary school age, then these issues

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grow deeper in the adolescent period, and adults who have had such problems

in their childhood usually try to avoid difficult problems and seek to find easy

solutions or give up on their objectives, considering them to be unachievable.

In order to raise the child’s sense of self-esteem, the following might

serve as suitable approaches.

Calling the child by his or her name as much as possible and praising

him or her in the presence of other adults.

You can make a special poster for the child, where you can use stars

or any other way to mark his or her achievements and successes.

You can compare the results across weeks and, in case of an

improvement, you can reward the child with a trip, watching a

favorite movie, doing something interesting as a family, allowing

him or her to participate in a fun activity that is of particular interest

etc. It is important for the reward to not be material in nature.

When talking to anxious children, it is important to maintain eye

contact with them, because this kind of contact inspires confidence

in these children.

In order to make sure that the anxious child does not consider

himself or herself worse than other children, it would be good for

the parents to sometimes talk to their child in private about

difficulties and problems that they themselves faced as children,

how they overcame those issues, and what they felt. Such

conversations help children understand that he or she is not the

only one with problems, and that there can be several ways to

overcome them. It is particularly important to know that there is

someone by your side who is ready to come to your aid at any

moment, to help you and teach you their own experiences. Such

conversations help children develop a broader range of possible

behaviors.

In no case should any of the following be done.

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Anxious children should not be compared with other children in

the family or classroom. The best way to compare such children is

with their own performance at an earlier stage.

When giving anxious children work to do, there should not be a

time factor or the need to finish quickly. Limiting their time leads

to elevated levels of stress for them.

Such children cannot be rushed to answer when they are asked a

question. If an adult has asked the child a question, he or she must

be sufficiently patient and allow the child enough time to answer

the question.

The question should not be repeated because, in such cases, children

consider the repeated question as a new stimulus and a reason to

restart their consideration of how to answer.

As a rule, the parents of anxious children also have an elevated level of

anxiety and are often dissatisfied with themselves. They may also show signs of

muscle tension.

Dear parents, if you notice such signs in yourself then it would be good

for you to work on your own levels of self-esteem.

Here are a few practical suggestions that could help you do this.

1. Treat people the way you believe they deserve to be treated, don’t

try to over-appreciate them, but you can also find something small

and positive in each person that is worth your appreciation.

2. Try to have a more positive attitude towards life. In such cases,

optimism exercises are usually quite helpful, when you try and

concentrate on positive thoughts and drive away any negative ones.

Try to find positive facts and talk about them out loud.

3. Respect yourself. Emphasize your good points and, if necessary,

make a list of these positive features and keep them within sight.

4. Start making decisions by yourself. It is important to admit that

there are no such things as right or wrong decisions. All you need

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to do is to be able to explain the rationale for a decision you have

made.

5. Try to get rid of everything that you don’t like. If you think that

there is something that can be or should be changed, then do so

immediately.

6. Start taking risks. Take responsibility for what happens, even if it is

a small thing.

7. Try to surround yourself with everything that leaves a positive

effect on you.

As we have already noted, the occurrence of childhood anxiety is often

the result of an inappropriate approach to upbringing by the parents. For

example, the parents of anxious children often make demands of the child that

he or she simply cannot fulfil. This is often linked to the parents’ sense of being

dissatisfied with their own status or a desire to see their own childhood dreams

achieved through their children. Sometimes, the parents have a high status in

society and a history of many achievements, and they are concerned that their

child might end up not being successful, which is why they force him or her

to overdo it when it comes to studying or training. There are also cases when

the parents have high levels of anxiety too and make a big deal out of every

small failure, making tougher and more complicated demands of the child at

each such step. The children of such parents are deprived of the ability to learn

from their own mistakes.

When the child ends up being unable to fulfil his or her parents’ demand

often, then they develop a sense of imperfection

about themselves and a fear that they may not

be able to meet the expectations of other people.

Over time, such children end up regularly

hesitating and giving up even in common,

simple situations, and they do not try to seek

success. They feel a sense of despair very

quickly. Thus, an individual develops that tries

to live the rest of his or her life in a such a way as to avoid all kinds of difficulty.

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Naturally, such individuals will not try to display any kind of initiative in

anything, in order to avoid coming across any difficulties.

Some parents try to keep their children away from all kinds of possible

and imagined dangers. In doing so, they develop a sense of defenselessness in

the child because, in these situations, the child naturally believes that the

world is a very dangerous place, otherwise his mother and father would not be

so concerned. Of course, none of this can have a positive effect on the child’s

psychological development, his or her relationship with adults and peers, and

the development of communication and interaction skills.

Being extremely demanding, always rushing the child, criticizing,

making demands that are beyond his or her abilities, can lead not just to

aggression, but also be a cause for the development of anxiety.

The parents that think or perhaps simply suspect that they might be very

critical of their children might find the following exercise useful – over one

day, write down all the criticisms and rebukes that you have voiced or thought

about saying out loud to your child. In a separate column, it is important to

note the child’s reaction in the cases when something was said out loud. At the

end of the day, you need to analyze the material you have collected and, as

objectively as possible, try to understand which of the criticisms helped

improve the child’s behavior and which led, on the contrary, to more negative

behavior or to outbursts. It is particularly important to note whether those

criticisms helped improve your relationship with the child.

If these tense criticisms also included

voicing threats that are impossible to

carry out, my advice to such parents

would be to show more restraint and to

learn how to think first and analyze

everything that is being said to the child.

It is important to understand that too

many threats that cannot be carried out

primarily weaken the parent in the child’s

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eyes and force him or her to think that mother or father are simply full of

talk, that they never do what they say, which means that there is no point in

taking their words seriously.

Anxious children often display signs of muscle tension on their face and

neck. Muscle tension can be loosened through relaxation exercises, which are

a part of any psychological support.

It is also very effective to use games that include bodily contact with the

child. Such games can also be played by parents in everyday settings. Playing

with sand, clay, dough, kinetic sand, and water are also all favorable activities,

as are finger and palm painting, etc.

Using some elements of massage or simply rubbing the body could also

help loosen muscle tension. With this in mind, mothers could apply simple

massage techniques, or simply give the child frequent warm hugs, or massage

him or her by rolling small, spiny balls. There are also various games that can

help, such as the Affectionate Chalk.

Game – the Affectionate Chalk

The adult tells the child, “You and I will draw on each other’s back. What

would you like me to draw on yours? A sun? All right.” And the adult uses his

or her fingers to “draw” a sun on the child’s back. “Does that look good to

you? How would you draw it on my back or my palm? Do you like it when I

draw on your back? Would you like a squirrel to draw on your back with its

beautiful tail? Would you like me to draw something else?” At the end of the

game, the adult rubs his or her palm broadly over the area to “erase”

everything that was drawn, thus softly massaging the child’s back in the

process.

When playing with anxious children, using masks or water-based face

paints is also a good idea. This allows the child to feel “hidden” and gives him

or her the freedom to express emotions more openly.

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Warm and well-intentioned relations in the family and a positive

atmosphere at home are instrumental in reducing levels of anxiety in children

and for their harmonious individual development. I would advise parents to

spend as much time as possible with their children, to play with them, have

honest conversations, go out for walks, go to the movies, theater, or other

entertainment areas. Time spent together in a natural setting can also have a

very positive impact.

Having a pet—a dog, cat, or parrot—at home can also help overcome

feelings of anxiety because anxious children constantly feel the need for an

object of love and affection. Taking care of the pet together is also a good idea

for the parent-child relationship to turn into a partnership.

THE ROLE OF PARENTS IN

OVERCOMING AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

IN THE CHILD

Aggression (“aggressio” means “attacking” in Latin) is a motivated

deconstructive behavior that goes against norms and rules existing in society

and causes harm to the target of the aggression (both living and nonliving

things), as well as physical injury or psychological discomfort in people

(negative feelings, tension, fear, a sense of oppression and so on). One should

distinguish between aggressiveness and aggression. Aggression or aggressive

behavior is a particular kind of individual or group action that is characterized

by a display against another side of being more powerful, and it aims to cause

physical or psychological damage. Aggressiveness is a means to achieving this

outcome which is not considered an aggressive act in itself. Aggression is the

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undertaking of a preplanned action, the ultimate objective of which is to cause

harm to the target.5

A. A. Rian also notes that “aggression” and

“aggressiveness” are not the same thing.

According to him, aggression is a targeted

action that seeks to cause harm to another

person, group of people, or animal.

Aggressiveness is a personal characteristic that

manifests as the readiness to perform an act of

aggression. Thus, aggression is an act, while

aggressiveness is the readiness to perform such

an act.6

Many researchers have studied the topics of aggressiveness and

aggression, but the question of what causes aggressive behavior in children—

whether it is congenital or acquired—has not yet been clearly answered to

this day. Some researchers believe that the roots of aggressiveness come from

the individual’s biological nature, while others insist that aggressiveness

develops from social interaction, new habits, and learning new things from

interactions with new people as well as the influence of movies and television

programs.

A. Bass and A. Darkin have distinguished between five kinds of

aggression,7 which can be presented schematically in the following way:

5 Boris Guryevich Mescheryakov, Vladimir Petrovich Zinchenko. Big Psychological

Dictionary, Third edition, Moscow, 2002, 500 pages 6 Rian, A. A. Psychology of personality study. Saint Petersburg, 1999, 218 pages. 7 Aggression in children and adolescents: A Textbook / Edited by N. M. Platonova, Saint

Petersburg, Rech Publications, 2006 – 336 pages.

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All the above-mentioned types of aggression can be seen in people of

different ages, and they can develop starting from an early age. Several factors

influence the occurrence of aggressive behavior in children like, for example,

certain somatic illnesses, or disease related to the brain, as well as various

kinds of social causes. A major cause of aggression also consists of aggressive

scenes and actions contained in cartoons, movies and on television in general

as well as various computer games and online.

There is also evidence that there is a relationship between the

disciplinary style of the parents and the manifestation of aggression in the

children.8

R. M. Tkatch notes that behavioral psychologists have isolated several

family-related factors that facilitate the development of aggressive behavior

in children. These include a lack of sufficient warmth and affection from the

8 Beron R. Richardson D. Aggression, Saint Petersburg, 1997; Leshli D. Working with

Small Children, Encouraging their Development and Solving Problems, Moscow,

1991; Ranshburg Y., Popper P., Personality Secrets, Moscow, 1983; Campbell N. L.

Development of the Emotional Sphere in Children. Yaroslavl, 1997.

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parents, a lack of interest, indifference in the relationship, failures, a display

of bad relations, a lack of supervision, indifference toward aggressive

behavior, inconsistence in the use of punishment, the use of corporal

punishment.9

I. Ranshburg and P. Popper note that if the parents regularly punish the

child for displaying aggressive behavior, then he or she learns over time to

conceal this anger in the presence of the parents, but that does not mean that

the child will restrain his or her aggression in other situations.10

Specialists believe that when parents neglect their child’s displays of

aggressive behavior or do not pay significant attention to it, this indifference

also leads to the development of aggressive personality traits in the child.

Children often use aggression and misbehavior as a way to attract adults’

attention to themselves.

Displays of aggression may also be seen in children whose parents are

extremely lenient, lacking self-confidence, and who sometimes seem

incapable or helpless when it comes to discipline, because the children of such

parents consider themselves to be defenseless. If the parent hesitates when it

comes to certain issues related to the child and finds it difficult to make a

decision, this leads to outbursts of stubbornness and anger in the child,

through which he or she tries to influence the situation and get something

out of it. In order to prevent displays of aggression in children, parents are

advised to allocate more time to their children, establish warm and friendly

relations with them and, in some stages of development, based on the child’s

age and sex, to demonstrate a strong character, audacity, and clarity when it

comes to decision making. This could be relevant not just to parents, but also

educators and other professionals working with children.

Roys has outlined several rules for working with aggressive children.11

Be mindful of the child’s needs and requirements.

9 Tkatch R. M., Fairytale Therapy for Childhood Problems, Saint Petersburg: Rech;

Moscow: Sphera, 2008, 118 pages. 10 Ranshburg Y., Popper P., Personality Secrets, Moscow, 1983 11 Roys S. A. A Magic Wand for Parents. Kaliningrad: Nika-Center, 2005.

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Display a behavioral model of non-aggression.

Be consistent when it comes to punishing the child. A child should

be punished for a specific act. The punishment should not demean

the child.

Expand the options the child has for play. Teach him or her to

display anger in acceptable ways, and develop the skills necessary

to show non-aggressive reactions in conflict situations.

Teach the child to recognize emotional states in himself or herself

as well as other people.

Develop the child’s ability for compassion.

Teach the child to take responsibility.

The work of a psychologist with aggressive children should, in our

opinion, be based mainly in these four areas:

1. Teaching aggressive children to express their anger in acceptable

ways.

2. Teaching children self-control skills, developing the ability to

manage oneself in different situations.

3. Developing the skills to allow communication in possible conflict

situations.

4. Working on developing individual traits such as empathy, trust in

other people and so on.

During the work with children in these four areas, in order to achieve

significant results, it is very important for parents of the child to participate,

for which the parents must be well acquainted with the issues faced by their

child, the way in which they manifest, and particularly with their role in

helping their child overcome his or her aggressive behavior.

Because the aggressive behavior displayed by children is often

destructive and unpredictable from the point of view of emotional reactions,

one of the most important things the adult must do is to teach the child to

express anger in more acceptable and harmless ways.

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When working on this with children or simply interacting with them,

the following two approaches to anger management are the most suitable

options.

1. Declaring one’s own emotions either verbally or non-verbally,

venting those negative feelings.

2. Using an indirect way to express one’s anger and directing it at the

person or object that seems harmless to the angry child. When the

adult or child does not react at once, then sooner or later they feel

the need to release their anger. But they don’t direct this at the

person who is the true source of their anger, rather they target the

person who is closest at hand at the moment, or someone who is

weaker and cannot respond in kind. This kind of anger expression

has been called “displacement”.

Many specialists believe that one of the best ways to express anger is for

someone to simply tell another person about his or her feelings, in a polite way.

If this is not possible, then adults can talk about their feelings with their family

members and friends, while children can confide in their parents.

One of the best techniques to teach children

how to express anger is the “Anger ladder”

exercise proposed by R. Campbell. 12 This

technique can be used by parents as well. At the

lowest level of anger there is passive aggression,

which is the most inferior and immature way of

expressing aggressive behavior. A passive-

aggressive child, for example, does not openly

express his or her emotions after a bad

conversation with mother. He or she might simply

remain silent and might throw a tantrum much later, at the most

inconvenient time and place, like a shop or when they are guests

12 Campbell N. L. Development of the Emotional Sphere in Children. Yaroslavl, 1997.

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at someone else’s house. In such cases, children might break

their toys on purpose, dress up slowly when everyone is in a

hurry, intentionally walk on the dangerous part of the street,

and purposefully forget the homework the teacher assigned.

In order to give such children the chance to express his or her anger, a

good approach is to teach him or her how to display or vent this anger. If the

child who constantly conceals his or her emotions begins to suddenly express

that dissatisfaction out loud, this means that we have gone up one rung on the

anger ladder and this is considered a positive move, even if the child continues

to act very rudely. In such cases, there is a need for long-term contact with the

child and to listen to him or her while maintaining eye contact. After listening,

you can explain that how to express this anger in a way that is more polite and

positive.

Positive ways of expressing anger include the following:

• The ability to direct the anger at the specific object that has caused

dissatisfaction, without deviation.

• Being polite while expressing oneself.

• Striving to find a constructive solution.

It is very important to note that the child needs a living example in order

to move up the anger ladder. Adult behavior should serve as an example for

the child and show him or her in various situations how to direct one’s anger

at the relevant object, not get deviated, remain polite and civil, while also

finding a constructive solution to the problem.

V. Quinn has proposed another approach to expressing anger.13 This is

the technique of transferring one’s emotions to other objects that are

harmless. We believe that this is more suitable for those children that are still

small and are as yet unable to express their feelings verbally.

13 V. N. Quinn. Applying Psychology, Saint Petersburg, 2000.

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In order to apply this method, the adult should keep some items at hand

such as soft punching bags, rubber balls, pillows, a pool filled with soft balls,

targets and other things that would allow the child to direct his or her anger

at these things, instead of at a human being.

This method of “displacement” can be suitable when working with

children that are relatively shy or lacking self-confidence. For those who are

excessively active, open and brazen, it might not work so well because such

children can get overexcited and lose control.

One important factor is how the adult chooses to control the aggressive

child’s behavior. There are usually three main approaches in a parent’s arsenal

to achieve this:

1. The negative approach – punishment or shouting.

2. The neutral approach – behavior change.

3. The positive approach – requests, light physical action.

Making requests of the child and acting in a friendly manner is not

always effective. For example, it does not make sense to request the child not

to touch the fire on the gas stove when he or she has already held out a hand

and is nearing the flame. It is more effective in such situations to pull the

child away from the stove and then explain to him or her why it was

necessary to do so. This is an example of light physical action. This is a

particularly effective option in case of small children.

Commands and punishment cause anger in children, or the tendency to

constantly suppress anger. That is why parents should punish children only

in extreme, rare cases. If the child’s anger is constantly suppressed because

he or she does not always dare resist an adult who is physically stronger, this

could transform into passive-aggressive behavior. The child could begin to

act in secret, concealing the things that he or she is doing, taking action

specifically to anger his or her parents, for example, putting on clothes at a

particularly slow pace, even if the rest of the family is running late and

everyone is standing there waiting.

The technique of behavior change is very simple. The child is given a

reward for good behavior and, in case he or she behaves badly, the result is

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either punishment or losing certain privileges. Nevertheless, it is not

appropriate to always use this approach, because the child then begins to

regularly ask the parent, “If I do this, what will you give me in return?”

The best option for children to be able to self-monitor their own

behavior and act adequately is for the parent to have self-control. Parents

are often unable to restrain their own anger, and the result of all this is that

their children are unable in turn to learn the skills to express their anger

adequately.

It is crucial for parents to remember that they should not touch the child

when they are very angry. In such situations, the best solution is to go to

another room at that very moment, when the parent is extremely angry at

the child. In order to regain control over themselves, parents are advised to

move slowly, to avoid sudden movements, not to shout or slam doors. A very

helpful act is to walk to a tap and slowly drink seven gulps of cold water.

Matthew McKay, Peter Rogers, and Judith McKay14 have offered several

options to overcome anger that can be useful for parents. The table below

has been reproduced in full from their material.

Develop a

relationship with

the child such that

he or she feels

comfortable being

with you

Listen to your child

Spend as much time as possible together

Share your experience with him or her

Tell him or her about your own childhood,

what you did as a child, your successes and

failures

If there are several children in the family, try

to give each one attention separately, don’t just

focus on them together

Watch yourself

particularly at

times when you

At such moments, postpone or rule out any

activities with the child, if possible.

Try not to touch the child at such moments

14 McKay M., Rogers P., McKay J. Overcoming Anger. Saint Petersburg, 1998.

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are stressed, and

you can lose

control easily.

If you are in a bad

mood then it is a

good idea to tell

the children how

you are feeling

Tell the children directly about your feelings,

plans and needs.

“I’m in a bad mood, I want to be alone for a

while, please play in the other room,” or

“I had a tough day at work and I got really

heated up. I’ll calm down in a few minutes, but

for now please leave me alone for a little while.”

At the moments

when you are in a

particularly bad

mood or very

angry, do

something for

yourself that

would relax you.

Take a warm bath or shower

Have a cup of tea

Call a friend

Lie down and rest

Get a skin procedure

Listen to good music

Try to foresee and

prevent any

unpleasant

incident that could

make you angry

Don’t allow the children to play with any

items valuable to you

Don’t let things make you angry. Learn to

predict your own emotional outbursts and try

to prevent them from happening by controlling

yourself and the situation. For example, think

of something pleasant at that moment.

It is a good idea to

prepare in advance

for certain

important events.

Try to predict all

the nuances

Examine your child’s potential.

If you are making your first visit to the doctor

or the kindergarten, talk to the child in advance

about it, test the situation.

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involved and

prepare the child

for the expected

incident.

If the child throws a tantrum when he or she

is hungry, try to arrange meals on time.

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THE ROLE OF PARENTS IN OVERCOMING

THE CHILD’S HYPERACTIVE BEHAVIOR

The word “active” comes from the Latin “activus” which means

movement, and “hyper” in Greek means excessive, suggesting that something

is beyond its normal level. Hyperactivity is usually seen in children as a state

of being unusually distracted, impulsive, or constantly moving. In some cases,

perception impairments are also characterized as manifestations of

hyperactivity, because the latter is also associated with learning difficulties

that are often a direct result of a lack of concentration.15 Hyperactive children

tend to tire very quickly, have speech disorders, difficulties in the

development of reading, writing, arithmetic abilities as well as fine motor

skills. All this can cause a delay in the development of reading and writing

skills.

The first signs of hyperactivity are usually seen before the age of seven.16

Hyperactivity will not necessarily manifest itself immediately after birth.

Such children are usually quite calm in the first few months of their lives and

it is only the development of the ability to walk that lead to the first signs of

hyperactivity.

The basis of hyperactivity is usually a minor dysfunction on the part of

the brain. Many parents continue to believe the point of view that

hyperactivity is simply a behavioral issue, and a case of disciplinary neglect

or the result of a bad upbringing. Moreover, children who are just slightly

tenser than their peers are often categorized as hyperactive in their

kindergartens or schools. Jumping to conclusions like this is not always

justified because hyperactivity is a medical diagnosis and only a medical

15 Boris Guryevich Mescheryakov, Vladimir Petrovich Zinchenko. Big Psychological

Dictionary, Third edition, Moscow, 2002, 500 pages 16 Zavadenko N. N., Risk Factor for the Development of Attention Deficit and

Hyperactivity in Children. Mir Psikhologii. N. 1, 2000.

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specialist can establish whether this is the case. And this diagnosis is never

made simply on the basis of observation.

One of the main causes leading to the development of hyperactivity in

children is a pathology of pregnancy or labor, infections or poisoning within

the first few years of the child’s life. A hereditary predisposition is also

possible. It is, naturally, very difficult to spend time with a hyperactive child.

Many parents are concerned about the fact that

1. the child is agitated, keeps moving, always jumping from one spot to

the other,

2. the child is badly behaved, always moving things about, rearranging

everything,

3. the child is curious, talkative, keeps asking questions without even

waiting for the answers,

4. the child is aggressive, conflict-prone, difficult to control.

The parents of hyperactive children, as a

rule, face several difficulties when

communicating with them. Some parents try to

use strictness against the child’s behavioral

issues, and they try to regulate everything,

adding to the child’s workload, severely

punishing even the slightest of misbehavior and

setting up a system of obstacles for the child to

overcome. Others, tired of always fighting with

the child, give up and lose hope regarding all this, trying not to notice the

child’s behavior or desperately allowing him or her to do anything, with no

adult participation. Some parents also feel guilty about their own role in their

child’s bad behavior because they hear negative feedback about it at the

kindergarten, school, and everywhere else. They may even lose hope

completely and get depressed, which also affects the child negatively.

It is important for the parent to know that the child is not to blame for

his or her own behavior in any way, and constant scolding or shouting cannot

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lead to an improvement in the child’s behavior; in fact, they can worsen the

situation further, in some cases.

Hyperactive children need to be treated kindly and with affection. If the

parent does the child’s homework together with him or her, then there should

not be any shouting or commanding, nor should there be any emotional

exclamations of praise. Hyperactive children are very sensitive and prone to

quickly imitating the adult’s behavior, but a tense emotional state is not

conducive to doing one’s homework.

Hyperactive children often display an unusual ability to learn in specific

areas, grasping concepts and absorbing information quite quickly, which leads

parents to get the impression that the program being taught at the school or

kindergarten is too primitive for their son or daughter. In such cases, parents

often take their child to various extracurricular activities. But excessive

demands and a large mental workload often lead to fatigue and tantrums in

such children, and sometimes they refuse to study altogether.

There are also cases when the parents, thinking that their child is unique

or that nothing can change any more, completely give up, and the child

quickly learns how to manipulate the adults.

But because such children need to understand the limits permitted to

them and require constant contact with adults for their own safety, they

usually display even more difficult behavior in such cases and their issues are

further complicated.

As a rule, hyperactive children are rebuked all the time at home, at

kindergarten or at school. Due to this, their self-esteem is damaged, and they

should therefore be more often praised for their achievements and success.

Even the smallest of achievements must be emphasized by the adult.

Nevertheless, one should not forget that unnecessary and baseless praise is not

permitted, because it could lead to the loss of trust towards the parent. One

should also not forget that hyperactive children should not be praised or

encouraged in an emotional tone of voice, so that this does not act as an

additional stimulus on the child’s emotional state.

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If the parent wants the hyperactive child to fulfill a command, then he

or she must learn to make this command effectively. First of all, the command

must be brief, no more than six or seven words, otherwise the child simply

“zones out” and does not hear a word. Parents should not make several

requirements of the child at once, for example, pick up your toys, go to the

bathroom, wash your hands, come to the living room, eat dinner. It is more

effective to give these instructions briefly and separate from each other,

mentioning the next command only after the previous one has been fulfilled.

The instructions should match the child’s abilities to the extent possible. There

should be supervision when it comes to how the child carries them out.

If the parents believe that a certain kind of action must be prohibited,

care must be taken to make sure that these limits are small in number. These

should be discussed with the child in advance and agreed, detailed in very

clearly and unequivocally, so that the child understands that these instructions

must mandatorily be fulfilled. It is also good for the child to clearly know what

to expect in case an instruction is violated. Parents must also be careful to make

sure that agreements previously made with the child are upheld because, if they

are not, and if the parent’s reaction depends only on his or her mood at the

current moment, then the child will not know what to expect in each specific

situation and will start to grow afraid of his or her parent’s emotional reactions.

In case of hyperactive children, it is not a good idea to start saying “No”

or “You can’t do that” when prohibiting something, because these tend to cause

the child to resort to verbal aggression or some other kind of conflicting

behavior. It is better to give the child a choice, for example, offer the child two

possible courses of action and let him or her choose one of them. For example,

if the child is running around at home all the time, you can propose that he or

she can go out to the yard and play, or listen to a story at home. If the child is

shouting at home, you can propose singing a few of his or her favorite songs

together. If the child is throwing about his or her toys and things, you can

propose playing a game that involves throwing a ball at a target, like basketball,

or throwing balls into an empty pool.

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Because hyperactive children are often also impulsive, it is difficult for

them to fulfill adults’ instructions at once. For that reason, it is often a good idea

to warn these kids in advance of any change in activities. For example, when

doing one’s homework, it is a good idea to plan three activities in advance and

come to an agreement about the sequence in which they will be carried out,

and the breaks that will be arranged in between. Or if the child is watching

television but must stop in a little while because, say, you are going out

shopping together, it is a good idea to remind the child ten minutes in advance

that the television will soon be switched off so that you can go out together. In

order to avoid any unnecessary aggression on the child’s part, you can use an

alarm clock that will ring ten minutes later and signal that the time is up. If the

child fully adheres to the previously agreed instructions, then it is a good idea

to reward him or her. The best options for rewarding or punishing a child in

such cases are the ones we have already discussed earlier.

As a rule, the parents of hyperactive children always insist that their

child never grows tired. In reality, such children tire very quickly and it is

this very fatigue that they express through their restless movements that the

parents often perceive as hyperactivity. Such children tire very quickly,

which results in a drop in their level of self-control and an increase in mobile

hyperactivity, which cause harm to both the child and the parents and other

surrounding people. In order to avoid causing a state of overstimulation in

hyperactive children, parents are advised to limit their presence in crowded

places, avoid inviting many people over, arranging for as calm an

environment as possible.

Strictly adhering to the daily routine is also one of the most important

conditions for securing a state of calm among hyperactive children. Various

parts of the routine must be arranged at the same time every day and it should

be clear and understandable to the child so that he or she can clearly picture

the sequence in which the day’s activities will unfold.

The parents of hyperactive children often sign them up for various sports

activities, believing that this is the best way for the child to vent their physical

activity. But this is not always the case. A lot depends on the coach and his or

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her style. Particularly in the cases when the coach is authoritative in his or

her approach, and the child experiences various obstacles and punishment

during training sessions, this could lead to even more hyperactivity. If the

number of people involved in the sports activity is large and they are mainly

involved in group-based games, and the hyperactive child does not have the

opportunity to train on an individual basis with the coach, then this could

also lead to an increase in hyperactivity instead of providing any benefits. The

most suitable sports for hyperactive children are running and swimming. But

there are cases when the child finds it impossible to train within a group of

peers. In such cases, individual sessions with coaches can be beneficial.

Evening walks with parents are also beneficial for hyperactive children,

and they provide the parent with the opportunity to have a calm conversation

with the child, to understand him or her better and to provide the child with

his or her own opinion. A healthy walking pace allows the hyperactive child

a good opportunity to calm down.

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RECOMMENDED LITERATURE

1. Aggression in children and adolescents: A Textbook / Edited by N. M. Platonova, Saint Petersburg, Rech Publications, 2006 – 336 pages.

2. Adler A., The Practice and Theory of Individual Psychology, Moscow, Akademicheskiy Proekt Publishig, 2007 – 240 pages

3. L. Berkowitz, Aggression: Causes, Consequences and Control, Moscow, Prime Euroznak Publishing, 2007 – 512 pages

4. Beron R. Richardson D. Aggression, Saint Petersburg, 1997; 5. Boris Guryevich Mescheryakov, Vladimir Petrovich Zinchenko. Big

Psychological Dictionary, Third edition, Moscow, 2002, 500 pages 6. Zavadenko N. N., Risk Factor for the Development of Attention Deficit and

Hyperactivity in Children. Mir Psikhologii. N. 1, 2000. 7. Zakharov A.I., Prevention of Behavioral Deviations in Children, Saint

Petersburg, 1997. 8. Quinn V. N. Applying Psychology, Saint Petersburg, 2000. 9. Kochubey B. I., Novikova Y. V., Emotional Stability in Schoolchildren, Moscow,

1998. 10. Campbell N. L. Development of the Emotional Sphere in Children. Yaroslavl,

1997. 11. Leshli D. Working with Small Children, Encouraging their Development and

Solving Problems, Moscow, 1991 12. Morality for the XXI Century, edited by Y. M. Antonyan, Aspekt Press

Publishing, Moscow, 2008 – 288 pages 13. Ranshburg Y., Popper P., Personality Secrets, Moscow, 1983; Campbell N. L.

Development of the Emotional Sphere in Children. Yaroslavl, 1997. 14. Ratinov A. R., Kroz M. V., Ratnikova N. A., Responsibility for Causing Animosity,

Hate, edited by Ratnikova N. A., Moscow, 2005 – 256 pages 15. Rian, A. A. Psychology of personality study. Saint Petersburg, 1999, 218 pages. 16. Roys S. A. A Magic Wand for Parents. Kaliningrad: Nika-Center, 2005. 17. Tkatch R. M., Fairytale Therapy for Childhood Problems, Saint Petersburg:

Rech; Moscow: Sphera, 2008, 118 pages. 18. Spilrein S. N. Psychoanalytical Conceptions of Aggressiveness, two-volume

book. Book 1. Udmurtia, Udmurtia University Publishing, 2005 – 292 pages 19. Hjelle L., Ziegler D. Personality Theories, Saint Petersburg. Piter. 2000 – 606

pages.