What a Friend We Have in JesusWhat a friend we have in Jesus,All our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!O what peace we often forfeit,O what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer!

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged;Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?Jesus knows our every weakness;

Take it to the Lord in prayer!

Are we weak and heavy laden,Cumbered with a load of care?

Precious Savior, still our refuge: take it to the Lord in prayer!Do your friends despise, forsake you?

Take it to the Lord in prayer!In His arms He’ll take and shield you;

You will find a solace there.

— Joseph M. Scriven c. 1855, Public Domain

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Dear ReadersIt is my privilege

and pleasure to invite each one of you to our Annual IFCA Convention. It will be held this sum-mer (June 25-29) at the Hyatt Regency Hotel in Dearborn, Michigan.

At each IFCA Conven-t ion, Marc ia Hornok

and I spend time with those who are part of our Chera Fellowship group. It is always a blessed time hearing how God is helping each one through different circumstances. We also discuss future issues and themes for the Chera Fellowship magazine.

We would LOVE to have you come for the entire con-vention and share in this special Chera Fellowship meeting.

HERE IS THE NEEDED INFORMATION

Dates June 25 – 29, 2012

Costs Registration for one person is $75 (after June 1st this will be $100)

Meals Are at the Hyatt (not including breakfast) Monday evening – Thursday evening are $103.00

Hotel call 1-888-421-1442 and request the IFCA group rate. It will be $89.00 per night for a single or double room, plus tax. This group rate will only be available for the dates of June 18 – July 2.

Travel expenses are on your own.

Look on our website (www.ifca.org) under CONVENTION 2012 Dearborn to see a registration form, details about speakers, a schedule, and other information.

If you are interested and want to ask any questions, please do not hesitate to call our office at 616-531-1840 Monday – Friday 8:30 am – 5:00 pm EDT.

— Miriam Lofquist, Editor

rwww.FaithPrayers.org

Mary Ann Offenstein is a widow who founded a 24-hour prayer line where people listen to your request and pray for you. She says, Over 7,000 people called the FaithPrayers phone line last year, most from the United States and Canada. In addition, thousands more sent email prayer requests from around the world. You can call and be com-pletely anonymous—no one will try to get your address or ask you to donate to this ministry.

You can also be a prayer line volunteer and take a specific time to be on call to pray with people in need. Call 1-866-515-9406 with your request or to volunteer.

www.ifca.orgIFCA International‘s website has much helpful information, such as recommended reading, starting a fellowship group,

and encouragement for a new widow or widower. Go to www.ifca.org and click on Ministries, then: widows/widowers.

• Gift subscriptions of CF - www.ifca.org/cfsubscribe• Donate (tax deductible) to CF - www.ifca.org/donations • To see back issues of CF - www.ifca.org/cfarchive

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How are you at being transparent about your needs? Do you let people know how they can help you rather than hope they will guess correctly? When well-meaning people say and do things that dis-courage you, do you have a healthy way to respond?

I imagine that one of the things you miss most, if you had a satisfying marriage, is being transparent and open with your spouse. He or she loved you even with your faults, understood you, and sometimes even read your mind. Now that is gone—another loss to cope with. Thus, you must learn to self-reveal to people who sincerely want to help. On occasion you must also courageously speak the truth in love to those whose efforts are not helpful.

The stories and advice in this issue will give you ideas on how to make your needs known graciously so others can minister to you effectively. It won’t always work—i.e. Jesus asking His disciples to watch and pray in the garden. However, throughout Scripture we see the people of God being honest about their feelings, frustrations, questions, and needs. Consider Paul’s transparency in 2 Corinthians 6:3-13 and 7:2-7 (New Living Translation):

We try to live in such a way that no one will be hin-dered from finding the Lord by the way we act, and so no one can find fault with our ministry. 4 In everything we do we try to show that we are true ministers of God. We patiently endure troubles and hardships and calami-ties of every kind. 5 We have been beaten, been put in jail, faced angry mobs, worked to exhaustion, endured sleepless nights, and gone without food.

6 We have proved ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, our sincere love, and the power of the Holy Spirit. 7 We have faith-fully preached the truth. God’s power has been working in us. We have righteousness as our weapon, both to

attack and to defend ourselves. 8 We serve God whether people honor us or despise us, whether they slander us or praise us. We are honest, but they call us impostors. 9 We are well known, but we are treated as unknown. We live close to death, but here we are, still alive. We have been beaten within an inch of our lives. 10 Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.

11 Oh, dear Corinthian friends! We have spoken hon-estly with you. Our hearts are open to you. 12 If there is a problem between us, it is not because of a lack of love on our part, but because you have withheld your love from us. 13 I am talking now as I would to my own children. Open your hearts to us!... Please open your hearts to us. We have not done wrong to anyone. We have not led anyone astray. We have not taken advantage of anyone. 3 I’m not saying this to condemn you, for I said before that you are in our hearts forever. We live or die together with you. 4 I have the highest confidence in you, and my pride in you is great. You have greatly encouraged me; you have made me happy despite all our troubles.

5 When we arrived in Macedonia there was no rest for us. Outside there was conflict from every direction, and inside there was fear. 6 But God, who encourages those who are discouraged, encouraged us by the arrival of Titus. 7 His presence was a joy, but so was the news he brought of the encouragement he received from you. When he told me how much you were looking forward to my visit, and how sorry you were about what had happened, and how loyal your love is for me, I was filled with joy!

God promises to provide and care for us. Often He does this by using people who want to serve. We should let others know what we need, so they will have the opportunity to let God use them to help meet those needs.

—Marcia Hornok, Managing Editor

Being Honest

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In difficult situations that require help, it seems we have the hardest time asking for it. This is particularly true for widows and widowers. After the initial shock of losing a spouse, and experiencing the adrenaline and support of loved ones during the funeral, reality and loneliness soon set in. To whom then do you turn? Where do you get help and how do you ask? Many feel awkward, embarrassed, or think they are placing an imposition on others to ask for help. Here’s the hard part—it means being transparent and honest in sharing loneliness, seeking advice and counsel, asking for help with meals or to eat with someone, for a ride to appointments, or for help in getting groceries.

The Bible teaches that it is more blessed to give than to receive, but those who give can’t be blessed unless someone is willing to receive. That means we must let oth-ers know our burdens. It really comes down to a struggle between pride and humility. Pride is self-sufficient whereas humility is dependent.

In my own life, I had to struggle to “let go” of my wife after her home-going. Another struggle was to let go of being self-sufficient so I could allow others to share my burdens. Adjusting my attitude and asking them to pray about my specific needs was the best approach for me. I found those who were praying with me were the ones most likely to help me.

One of the most encouraging things occurred two weeks after my wife’s passing. A pastor who became ill asked me to preach for him, not knowing my wife had just died. After some hesitation, I accepted, knowing it would be difficult. I called several in our church family and asked if they would consider joining me that Sunday to be of support. About ten families came to the other small church on that Sunday morning. They were not only an encour-agement to me but also to the other congregation. It was a testimony and demonstration of God’s grace to everyone. But that would not have happened had I not asked others to bear my burdens.

When my present wife became a new widow, she struggled with lonely Sunday dinners--going home from church to eat alone. She started inviting younger single women to lunch with her. In ministering to others who

were lonely and hurting, they also ministered to her.Several Scripture passages relate to bearing burdens

as a normal and inevitable part of human life: “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up” (Romans 15:1-2). “If one part [of the body of Christians] suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it” (1 Corinthians 12:26). “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).

We bear our inevitable burdens three ways. 1 – God helps us. That is the best of news—that God shares the burden with us and helps us through it (cf. Psalm 46:1). 2 – Fellow Christians share our burdens and help us (cf. Galatians 6:2). 3 – Each of us carries our own load (cf. Galatians 6:5). This last aspect appears to be the most difficult. Carrying our own load doesn’t mean that we do not trust God for help, and it certainly does not mean that we refuse the help of others. Instead it recognizes that we are responsible to God for what he enables us to do. We find that many of the lessons of life are learned from the loads of life. God does not want us to miss out on the benefits of the difficulties, but He also does not want the weight of the difficulty to destroy us. So He helps us directly, but He also asks us to “carry each oth-er’s burdens” and learn from each other.

In order for all this to work, every Christian must be willing to share his or her problems and receive help, while also being willing to carry someone else’s burdens and give help. This fulfills the law of Christ.

— Steve & Martha Spacek, Steve became a widower on April 5, 2008, when his wife, Beverly, was called Home. On September 24, 2011, he married Martha, whose hus-band, Alistair, passed into the presence of our Lord on November 30, 2007.

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Sharing Our Burdens

Honest Grief

“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).

Relief eluded my heart. During an especially trying week, I met a close friend for breakfast. For some time we had been meeting weekly to share our experiences and pray together. Until this point, I had chosen to keep my distressed circumstances to myself, not wanting to burden him. But that day was different. Feeling weak and vulner-able, I decided to reveal my trial and ask for prayer.

With deep love, his words to God opened my heart. Slowly I began to weep as my burden lifted and fresh hope renewed my strength. His insight and encouragement

At first friends were very intentional about spending time with me. Many took me to lunch. It was helpful and appreciated, because it required me to get ready and gave me something to look forward to. I sometimes looked forward with dread, but I forced myself to go be among people. Friends made a point to try to be good listeners and be attentive and kind. I did learn it was up to me to initiate talking about my feelings. Most people still aren’t sure what to say. I don’t blame them, because I don’t know what to say either. They don’t want to force me to talk about things I’m not comfortable with, so people make small talk unless I bring up the deeper subjects of my grieving. Although it can be difficult, I’ve learned it is up to me.

Often I hesitate to share my feelings, because some people want to give “helpful” advice. Staying busy seems to be many people’s solution to grief. In the United States the word “busy” is some kind of badge of honor for women. I think being busy for busyness sake is a silly. I’ve learned to appreciate the unhurried time I now have for reading, Bible study, and writing. That has done more to help me in my grief journey than any amount of “busy” pursuits.

Also in the U.S. we always want to fix pain. We’re taught,

helped to steady my despairing heart and restore vision of God’s faithful compassion. The healing I needed had begun.

God created us for companionship, whether celebrat-ing great success or encouraging a troubled heart. The Bible often reminds us of God’s close help in difficult times. One way we can receive that help is by sharing our needs with others and listening to them pray for us. Burdens become lighter when held by many hands.

— Mark Francis, Published in Springs in the Desert, available from www.utahchristianwriters.com. Although Mark has not been widowed, we include his devotional because it encourages you to take your burdens to others, as well as to the Lord.

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through advertisements, that there is a pill or cure for all pain, so we shouldn’t have to experience it. One who is grieving does experience deep emotional pain; and pills, drugs, alco-hol, distractions, busyness, all can dull it or postpone it, but the pain patiently waits and must be experienced. I find it insulting that some people think they can fix my grief.

I now understand why, as I learned in some of the books on grief, that people who have dealt with death lose their old friends and make all new friends for a fresh start. It’s easier, because there are no expectations for help with grief from these new friends. I have no intentions of los-ing my “old” friends. Nothing could replace them. I have simply made a decision to lower my expectations of all my friends, for help in my grief. Everyone has their own issues to deal with. They can’t always be concerned about my well-being. That doesn’t mean I can’t or don’t ever receive understanding and compassion from old or new friends, but I’ll just take it if it comes and try not to expect it.

Everyone can master a grief but he that has it. William Shakespeare

— Alyce Gross

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My Doorbell Miracle

The New Normal

Yesterday my husband died in his sleep without any warning. The house filled with people. First to come were two police officers who verified that my husband had died of natural causes. Then my son arrived, and my sister-in-law, and the mortician who took his body away. Friday passed in a haze of activity as we picked out the casket and made arrangements for his burial and memorial.

Today I woke up in an empty house. It was the sec-ond day—my husband was gone. My family was gone. I was alone. So I got dressed and went to my one-girl office, where I spent six hours doing my job. When I ran out of work, I drove home again to my empty house. That’s when it really hit me. My husband was gone.

At my lowest point, the doorbell rang and there stood a friend from church. She had just learned about my hus-band’s death. Hugging me she said, “The Lord told me to

Completely exhausted for weeks after Jim entered his heavenly home, I went to recuperate at our summer home on Lake Erie. My dearest friend lives directly behind me at this get-away on the lake. She has been a faithful friend for 40 years through all seasons of life. However, because she has not had a deep personal loss and no understanding of what that is like, she was full of questions that I could not answer. I felt so exhausted that I barely had enough energy for one question, let alone many. Because I love my friend, I brought this dilemma before the Lord. A poem came into my mind:

Ask me no questions, dear friend unless you have walked my way.Tell me your joys and your sorrows. Give me a hug;Tell me you love me, then gently walk away.

The following morning I gave the poem to my friend. Her response was beautiful. The poem opened honest communication between us. She told me she loved me and

come.” She was hesitant to do it without calling first but she came, and it was just what I needed. Before she left, she made sure I drove to the service station to get gas in my car. She took me to the store to make sure I had food on my shelves. She bought my dinner at Kentucky Fried Chicken to make sure I ate something that day. And then she spent time with me looking at photographs.

I know we are never really alone even when we feel alone, because Jesus is with us always, but God sent me a reminder when my friend rang the doorbell. “Your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him” (Matthew 6:8).

— Marjorie Schlaegel, Marjorie’s article, “Little Acts of Kindness” appeared in the Fall 2010 issue of CF

I told her that questions are inappropriate to ask in the midst of a deep loss. I told her that I loved her and that I was so weary that I was not up to explaining my condi-tion or what I intend to do in the future. I said, “Right now I need quiet rest. Living one day at a time and learning to hush is my entrance into the new normal.” My friend understood, hugged me, told me she loved me and gently walked away. We remain the best of friends.

The lesson I learned is to have the courage to speak the truth in love to well-meaning friends. Express your needs even if it has the potential of hurting their feelings. They will care more about your hurts than about their own. Praise God for His amazing grace in the midst of all seasons of our life.

— Dixie Merrill, Her husband Jim died on July 23, 2010, after a long illness. Dixie’s poem “On the Death of My Beloved” appeared in the Summer 2011 issue of CF.

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FROM GOD’S WORDThat we through patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope (Romans 15:4).

Put Your Armor On – Ephesians 6:10-24

1. Where is our source of strength? (v. 10) ________________________________________

2. What does putting on God’s whole armor enable us to do? (v. 11) ______________________________ ________________________________________

3. Name what we are wrestling with (v. 12) ________________________________________

4. In a battle with the spiritual enemies, what should be our procedure? (v. 13) ________________________________________

(Nowhere in Scripture are we told to flee from Satan. We must resist him and stand against him, and he will flee from us [See James 4:7]. However, we are told to flee from temptation—not try to resist it, but flee from it [See 1 Cor. 6:18, 1 Cor. 10:14, 1 Tim. 6:11, 1 Tim. 2:22.])

5. We stand defensively against Satan’s forces by doing the next four things given in verses 15-16 (compris-ing four participles in the Greek). What are they?

• Having girded your waist with _______________ • Having put on the breastplate of _____________ • Having shod your feet with the gospel of

_________________________________________ •Taking the shield of _______________________

6. When we live by faith, it protects and shields us

from what? (v. 16) __________________________

7. Verse 17 commands us to take two more necessary

items: the helmet of ______________ and the

sword of the ______________________________

8. What is the only offensive weapon we need? (v. 17) _________________________________________

9. Two participles in verse 18 tell us how to use our salvation and sword:• Praying always with all _____________________

• Being ___________________________________

with all ___________________________________

10. In verses 19-22 Paul is honest with the Ephesians about what he needs. What does he ask them to pray for? ________________________________________

11. What does Paul want them to know about him?

(vs. 21) __________________________________

________________________________________

________________________________________

12. Why did Paul send Tychicus to the Ephesians?

(vs. 22) __________________________________

________________________________________

We don’t always know the source of our problems—whether from Satan or not. The world and our own flesh are enemies too (1 John 2:15-17, James 4:1-10). We need the whole armor of God for all our spiritual battles. Essentially this means practicing the spiritual disciplines of dependence on God (v. 10), being truth-ful and doing what is right (v. 14), knowing you have peace with God (v. 15), living by faith (v. 16), guard-ing your mind (v. 17), learning God’s Word (v. 17), and praying (v. 18). (Taken from notes in the [Charles C.] Ryrie Study Bible, 1995).

xI was sitting, torn by grief. Someone came

and talked to me of God’s dealings, of

why it happened, of hope beyond the

grave. He talked constantly, he said things I

knew were true. I was unmoved, except to

wish he’d go away. He finally did.

Another came and sat beside me. He didn’t

talk. He didn’t ask leading questions. He just

sat beside me for an hour and more, listened

when I said something, answered briefly,

prayed simply, left. I was moved. I was com-

forted. I hated to see him go. — Joseph Bayly, from his book,

The Last Thing We Talk About.

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Guilt AdmittedIn the 19 months since Nancy’s promotion to glory,

there have been many adjustments. The last seven years of our 51-year marriage, she struggled with gradually increas-ing dementia, diagnosed early and well treated. She was amazingly functional to the end and never lost her dignity until an unexpected massive heart attack took her from me. Our common nightmare was that she would outlive me. Her home-going was rather quick, made relatively painless by good medicine, and even marked by Skyping with chil-dren and grandchildren from the Cardiac Care Unit.

But the avalanche of conflicting feelings was over-whelming. I had often wondered if I would be capable of the care-giving she would need if dementia took her life. So mixed in with the sense of loss was the guilty feeling that I had dodged a bullet. The comfort of knowing she was in heaven gave me selfish feelings. Nothing seemed

straightforward. I couldn’t express God’s kindness in let-ting Nancy (and me) avoid her long slide into meaning-lessness without a sense of personal guilt. Who could I talk to about this?

I came to the really stupid conclusion that no one could understand all the conflicting emotions I had. So I buried myself in my work, which always involved helping others. I found new ways to be useful, and even began to appreciate that I could now dive full throttle into meaningful ministry, no longer having to worry about Nancy. I rationalized that I did not need to talk about my grief. I’m sure I became opaque to everyone. No one knew about the nights when I couldn’t stop crying. The barrier to transparency for me was guilt, irrational guilt. I found it easier to talk about my feel-ings to strangers, although if I did bring things up, I became tongue-tied, an unfamiliar handicap to me.

I know I am underestimating good Christian friends, but I sense in some a wish not to wrestle with a grieving person’s feelings. Marcia Hornok’s invitation to write this article was the first opportunity I recognized as a way I could manage transparency. It has to start somewhere, and I feel confident that CHERA is a good place to start. I know I have many Christian friends who would be thrilled to help, but I have found it easier to write this than to ask for help. I don’t want pity. Writing is a way to admit these things “in my closet” rather than in public. Confessing my guilt like this is helping me deal with it.

In summary, knowing I have a Savior/Friend, and not just a Savior/abstract infinite God, is what sustains me. Jesus knows my every weakness, and doesn’t disappear.

— Joseph Smith, Hospital Chaplain, is working on a book about his expe-riences with cancer patients during his eight-year chaplaincy at a 60-bed Oncology Unit.

Becoming a widow was so overwhelming to me that I wasn’t sure I would continue to live much longer myself. I began to understand how people can die of a broken heart. The Lord brought me through, and He used many won-derful people to help in that process. I appreciated every single person who gave me condolences whether it was by sending a card, calling, bringing a meal, visiting, sending flowers, or taking me to lunch. One of the things I enjoyed most was when people would say how much they liked my husband, or would tell me a funny story about him.

Something that caused me anxiety was when people would ask (soon after my husband died) what I was going to do now. . .would I quit work?. . .would I move?. . .how will I make it financially?, etc. They were natural questions to ask, but not only was I not ready to make those decisions, I was not ready to even think about them. I can see why people

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Letting Others Helpadvise not to make any major changes for a year or two.

One lady, invited me to engage in religious doctrine dis-cussions via e-mail, specifically a doctrine I didn’t believe in. To be honest, that made me angry and depressed. It was the last thing I wanted to do! I could barely think at the time, let alone participate in a religious doctrinal discussion. My email reply told her I didn’t want to do this.

Later, in person, I told her I was sorry but I just didn’t have the energy or desire to get into deep conversations. That’s when I found out she had only been trying to divert my attention from grief. Having not gone through it her-self, she had no way of knowing that grieving is exactly what I had to be doing for a while. I felt bad about my inner reactions because she was only trying to help. She accepted it well, thankfully.

Being widowed is hard not only on you but also on all your friends. It’s hard for them to know what to say or do. It’s kind of awkward for everyone. Most friends were amazingly helpful. One couple that my husband and I used to double date with took me to dinner every month for a whole year! The second year they took me to four concerts. That was an incredible act of love on their part. A lady that I don’t see often sent me a card every few months to let me know she was thinking of me. That was so kind. She had gone through the loss of a husband her-self. Another friend has been faithful to call me every week or so just to see what’s happening in my life and to share what’s happening in hers. That means a lot.

It helps when people talk normally about my husband and not try to avoid the issue. I appreciated even those who caused me a tiny bit of grief, because I know they had my best interests in mind. There is no way anyone can always say the right thing at the right time. I think the important thing is to love all the people who respond to your situation. It would be worse if people didn’t say or do anything for fear of doing or saying something wrong.

I praise God for all the wonderful people He has brought to minister to me since my husband’s death. I hope I can pass that love on to others in a similar situation.

— Nancy Snyder

QGod’s dark strokes on our life canvas are love

strokes. He is the ultimate artist. All of us are

artists also—con artists! We often look for

some way to avoid the dark strokes. We shop,

call a friend, watch too much TV, seek medi-

cation, get away somehow.

Don’t hire a substitute for God’s discipline

process. Don’t jump off the easel. Don’t try to

grab the paint brush from God’s hand. And

don’t wish you had someone else’s picture.

— Norma Whitcomb, After she was widowed, she married John Whitcomb and helped to raise his six children. She has written a booklet on ministering to widows. You may email her at violin723@juno.com.

Q

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Having Needs MetA widow friend shared that at first when people asked

how she was doing, she said “Well, okay.” They told her she was in denial. So when people asked her the next time, she shared what she was going through, the loneliness, etc. They told her she should be moving on by now. So she learned to say, “Oh, probably what would be normal for now.” That answer seems to satisfy because they can fill in what they think would be normal.

When I became a widow, friends came to help clean out cupboards and pack. I don’t know that I asked them. I think they asked me what needed to be done. I was thankful for their help. Other friends came and picked me up for church the first few Sundays, morning and night. Two came and got my recyclables. These friends saw the need and came on their own. Other times I called someone. Once a rabid raccoon came down my lawn as I was going after the mail. That was unnerving. I called my brother-in-law and he came and dealt with it.

On the other hand, a young man in his thirties stopped in for something his wife wanted to borrow. A huge limb had fallen across my driveway, so when he came, I was trying to pull up and cut off branches to clear my driveway. I got the things he wanted; he visited, and as he was leaving he said, “Well, you’ll have to let us know if we can ever help you with anything.” I thought it was rather funny.

You have yourself and the Lord 24 hours a day. Learn to comfort yourself in the Lord as David did in 1 Samuel 30:4 after he lost every-thing. “Then David and the people that were with him lifted up their voice and wept, until they had no more power to weep.” (Widows and widowers can relate to that.) David was greatly distressed for the people spoke of ston-ing him. (As a widow or widower, you have probably taken some of those hits.) “But David encouraged himself in the LORD his God.”

Our Lord is a great place to focus. Others can’t take His place, to guide us, or love us unconditionally or meet our needs. Our Sovereign God sees all our needs...at all times, knows what is best for us at all times, has all power to strength-en us and all the resources to provide for us. We are so thank-ful that at times He uses people to help with our needs.

— Sonja Gilbertson, Sonja left her home behind and moved to Word of Life Bible Institute after she was widowed in 2004. Now remarried, she enjoys volunteering for Source of Light Ministries, Int’l.

What Friends are ForI need so little from you —

an arm around my shoulder

and a cup of coffee will do;

maybe a prayer or two as the moments tick by

and I wait again for sleep.

I know the measure of my pain —

how wide, how deep —

by the depth of my prayers

and the company I keep.

My Swiss cheese faith wants desperately to mend.

The holes can plug up

with a coffee cup

and the arm of a friend.

— Sherri Langton, Associate Editor of Bible Advocate magazine

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The Gift of Tears

Q & AQ | What is the appropriate length of time for mourning? I have friends who think I should stop dwelling on the past and start dating again. They are just trying to be helpful. I don’t feel stuck in grief—but I’m not ready to reinvent myself either. How can I help them understand?

A | Everyone grieves at their own pace. Your friends should accept this. However, your friends will also console you at their own pace. If the topic of your bereavement is threatening your friendship, you may need to process on your own time, but be honest with them about not being ready for their match-making efforts.

Your best comforters will be other widowed persons. Plan social activities with them or find a

grief support group where you can express your feelings and get feedback about whether or not you are making progress in accepting your loss.

Future Theme for CF—We want a Q & A issue, and you can help us in two ways:

1. Send us your questions, and we will find peer counselors to give helpful advice.

2. If you have found a workable solution to a problem you had early on, share your advice as the answer to a question that a widowed person might ask.

See our contact information on the back cover. You can call, write or email either Miriam or Marcia. We look forward to hearing from you.

“We had a new person attend our widow’s sup-port group this week,” my friend Nancy said. “She cried through the whole meeting. She kept apologizing for her tears. What can I say to her that would help?”

Nancy lost her husband a little over one year ago. She started a support group for widows and named it “The Encouragers.” Since I lead classes called “God in the Midst of Grief,” she asked my advice on how to respond to the tears.

“Tell her not to be embarrassed at crying,” I said. “My pastor once told me, ‘It’s okay to cry when you are griev-ing. Sometimes when there are no more prayers left to be said, then your tears become a form of prayer.’” Nancy comforted her friend with those words.

In our humanness, we will experience times when our God-given emotions take over. God designed us, tears and all. He made us with the ability to relieve our suffering through crying. That is one of the things that sets us apart from the animal kingdom—the gift of tears. God under-

stands our emotions, and He wants us to be honest with Him. That honesty many times is accompanied with tears. Never feel that your intense grief means that you are lack-ing in faith. Grief counselors will tell you that tears are good therapy as you walk through the Valley of the Shadow.

Consider what God’s Word says about tears: Long-suffering Job said, “My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God” (Job 16:20). “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy” (Psalm 126:5). “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). “Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).

God sees every tear we shed, and He weeps with us. Thank Him for the gift of tears.

— Diane Pearson, Diane is a Christian writer, speaker, and teacher. This story is adapted from her book, God in the Midst of Grief: 101 True Stories of Comfort. Contact her at dipearson@comcast.net or www.dianepearson.org

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SPRING 2012 - VOLUME 20 - NUMBER 2

Chera (Ker-ah) Fellowship is a quarterly publication of IFCA International.Chera is the Greek word translated widow in the New Testament.

Carol Gregory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Founder

Miriam Lofquist. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Editor

Marcia Hornok . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Managing Editor

Nila Rae Phelps . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Editor Emeritus

Jim Connelly Studio . . . . . . . . . . . . Design and Layout

Email articles (to 1000 words) and poems to Marcia Hornok at kenmarh@comcast.net Please include your phone number.

Rates: Gift Subscription: $10.00 (4 issues). Go to www.ifca.org/cfsubscribe. Discounts for bulk orders. We encourage the distribution of CF in churches, senior centers, retirement homes, care facilities, mortuaries, and hospitals.

Chera Fellowship – IFCA InternationalPO Box 810Grandville, MI 49468Call (616) 531-1840Back issues at www.ifca.org/cfarchive

Widows and widowers receive CF free of charge for one year when they request it. We can do this because of donations (tax deductible) sent to IFCA International specifically for CF.

Thank you for participating in this ministry to people who have lost their mate.

Accepted!“He hath made us accepted in the beloved” (Eph. 1:6 KJV).Years ago the great Bible teacher Harry A. Ironside was

the guest of friends who were sheep-raisers, and it was lambing time. Every morning Dr. Ironside, along with his host, went to see the lambs playing on the green hillside.

One morning Dr. Ironside was startled to see an old ewe loping across the road, followed by the strangest looking lamb. It apparently had six legs, and the last two were hanging helpless as though paralyzed. Dr. Ironside inquired about the lamb. One of the herders explained the mystery. That lamb did not originally belong to that ewe. She had a lamb which was bitten by a rattlesnake and died. The orphan lamb needed a mother.

At first the bereft ewe refused to have anything to do with it. She sniffed at it and pushed it away, saying as plainly as a sheep could say, “This is not our family odor!” So the herders secured the fleece from the dead lamb

around the living lamb, leaving the hind legs dragging loose. Covered like this, the lamb was brought again to the mother ewe. She smelled it and adopted it as her own. Dr. Ironside suggested that this is a beautiful picture of the grace of God to the sinner. We are all outcasts and have no claim upon His love. But God’s own Son, the “Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world” has died for us, and now we who believe are dressed up in the fleece of the Lamb who died. Thus, God has accepted us in Him, and “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). The 19th Century hymn-writer, Catesby Paget, was correct when he wrote the hymn “A Mind at Perfect Peace with God”:

So nigh, so very nigh to God, I cannot nearer be;For in the person of His Son I am as near as He.So dear, so very dear to God, more dear I cannot be;The love wherewith He loves the Son, such is His love to me.

— Douglas Hornok, Adaped from Illustrations of Bible Truth

by H.A. Ironside, Moody Press, 1945, now in public domain.