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Wes Anderson

The Ballad of Reading Milton

Max, sitting alone on the roof of Philly Joe Jones' Easy Way Out Bar and Grille, on Bleeker

treet, !ra!ked o"en a #r$ Pe""er$ %e did not i&&ediately drink it, ut, instead, "la!ed itdeli!ately on the a!k of his left hand$ %e dre( his fingers a(ay fro& the ri& and alan!ed the

!an, (ith tre&endous !onfiden!e and "oise, for thirty)six se!onds, at (hi!h "oint his!on!entration roke$ The i&age of Ja!k *ennedy holding a half)e&"ty styrofoa& !offee !u"

infe!ted his &ind$ %e !ould not lo!k it out$ %e (as in!a"ale of a+oiding a slight, ut suffi!ient,

o+er!o&"ensation$ The !an sank to the floor and nailed the steel &esh !o+er of an air

!onditioning +ent, !hugging its !ontents through the grating$ The !o&"ressor, "re+iously roaring,e!a&e silent$ Max stood and dro""ed his hands into his "o!kets$ ooking out into the street, he

noti!ed the "resen!e of an Afri!an lotus lue Pors!he -.. turo, doule "arked$ /t (as not his$

%e !rossed the roofto" and entered the stair(ell$ %e des!ended three ste"s at a ti&e to the

ground floor, and, as he sla&&ed his "al&s against the hori0ontal ar on the fa!e of the door, he

reali0ed, (ith a lo( to the head si&ilar in &any (ays to the ty"e that &ight e deli+ered y

hea+y(eight oxer Mike Tyson to a re!e"tionist at an in+est&ent anking fir&, that he (ouldneed a !oat hanger$

I'm a Platonist, to be totally, perfectly, absolutely, entirely honest. I believe in the Forms: the

fundamental elements that underly reality as we perceive it. I differ with Plato, however, in my

delineation of the Forms. I mean, I believe in the One, of course, and God, and so forth. But,unlie Plato, who's always talin! lie a bat out of hell about the Forms of number, "ustice, and

lieness, l tend toward my heroes. I thin the underlyin! form of "a## is $ouis %rmstron!, the

Form for baseline !roundstroe passin! shot tennis is Bor!, and the Form for all true actin!,

even for a !uy lie &ary Grant, who always played &ary Grant, is arlon Brando. (e's ananachronism in his own time.

Max ad1usted his tie and o"ened the door$ %e sli""ed on a "air of tortoiseshell glasses as he

!rossed through the restaurant$ With a glan!e ade o+er his left shoulder, he du!ked into the

kit!hen$ As he "assed the sto+e, ehind the !hef, (ho, reading a !o"y of 2Po"ular Psy!hology,2did not "ay hi& e+en a hint of attention, he "aused in order to "i!k u" a !u" half)full of oli+e oil$

%e "oured it into a skillet of saut3eing &ushroo&s$

2What are you doing42

25othing$ /t needed oil$2

2Who are you4 %o( &u!h did you add4 / (ant the& to e !ris", you understand4 / don't (antthe& to e saturated$2 The !hef !losed his &aga0ine and exa&ined the !ontents of the "an,

turning o+er one &ushroo& at a ti&e (ith a flat, (ooden s"oon$ 2Jesus 6hrist Al&ighty, they're

saturated$2

As he s!anned the inside of the roo& !loset, 1ust eside the sto+e, Max res"onded, 2Add

&ore &ushroo&s$2 Me s"otted a thoroughly &utilated !oat hanger of the !ardoard tue "a"er

!o+erless +ariety, and snat!hed it off the rod fro& (hi!h it had een effortlessly hanging$

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2ure, yeah, right$ But then /'ll ha+e to add &ore garli!, &ore salt, &ore "e""er, &ore

e+erything$ 7ou're a true gentle&an, you kno( that42 Max in1e!ted a fork into one of the hy"er)

saturated &ushroo&s$ %e di""ed it into a shallo( o(l of hollandaise, and ate it in a single,ne!essarily s&all ite$

2/t's fine$ Try it$ it's fine$2

2Anything sounds good to untrained ears$2

2Maye you should toss in so&e "a"rika$ What do you think42

2Pa"rika4 Why don't you get the hell out of &y kit!hen42

Max s(ung the door o"en in front of hi& (ith his foot$ A &ediu&)!lose shot fro& the (aist

u" (ould ha+e !reated for an audien!e the illusion that he had for!ed o"en the door through theefforts of his &ind alone$

)here is one and only one thin! worth doin!, and that's checin! out the scene. *hat I meanby that is that, whether you're main! a papier+macht panda or "ust watchin! some

blocheaded television show, if itis true you're really watchin! this show, or you really want tomae the panda, then you're all set. *hereas in the case of a !uy who is rain! in the dou!h andowns an island, but really doesn't lie bein! an investment baner, in spite of the fact that he's a

financial wi#ard, you can observe a lac of the checa!e of the scene. %nd if you don't chec the

scene, I'm sayin!, then you're toast, because you "ust will be.

Max re&o+ed a !hro&iu&)"lated, la!k "lasti!)handled key fro& the "arking attendants' ox$%e (alked se+eral feet do(n the side(alk, and then "ressed the utton in the !enter of the

handle$ A single, shrill "ulse (as e&itted fro& eneath the hood of the Pors!he$ Max o"ened the

door on the "assenger's side, took off his 1a!ket, dra"ed it o+er his !oat hanger, and, leaning into

the !ar, hung it fro& the "eg ao+e the a!k seat$ %e !losed the door, and ste""ed around to thea!k of the !ar, to the other side$ As he dro""ed into the dri+er's seat, he sli""ed on his seal elt

and ignited the engine$ /t idled 1ust ao+e .888 r"&$ After exa&ining the !ontents of the glo+e

ox, Max re&o+ed fro& it a Maxell 9:) .88 and sli""ed it through the o"ening on the fa!e ofthe Blau"unkt$ An internal &e!hanis& gras"ed the ta"e fro& his fingers and su!ked it inside$ ix

s"eakers si&ultaneously "resented hi& (ith #eussy's$a er$ / le released the "arking rake,

shifted into first, and "o""ed the !lut!h$

-iet#sche was a serious !uy. One thin! he said, and I a!ree with him all the way around the

bloc, is that the whole entire Goddamn point of livin! lies in art. ery bi! on art, -iet#sche was.)he thin! he missed, thou!h, is that checin! the scene and art, "ust as an entity, not as an action

or what have you, not as in /creatin! art,/ are one and the same thin!. )hat's what they are, one

and the same thin!. &hecin! the scene e0uals art. 1ou've !ot to cut him some slac, thou!h. Imean, he was -iet#sche. )hat carries some clout where l come from.

Max atte&"ted to "erfe!t his shifting te!hni;ue, &at!hing u" the engine s"eed to the rate at

(hi!h the (heels (ere turning (ith enough "re!ision that ea!h do(nshift and ea!h ra"id reak

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1ou ever been to the beach in the winter8 aybe not, I'm !uessin!. I'm disinclined tospeculate as to what you're waitin! for. I have no data. 2ust the same, thou!h, I'm not even !oin!

to try to tell you about it. 1ou should "ust !o there. 2ud!e for yourself. -ote that the sy is not

blue. It's white. *hich is fine. )he !ulls loo lie they're flyin! bacwards. %lso, there's nobody

there who eeps leavin! bottles all the hell over the place. )hese facts may or may not be in thepublic domain. But, let me put it to you now, one of the ey elements when it comes to checin!

the scene is what you call timin!.

Max stuffed the ag into a green, (ire &esh trash !an, and &erged (ith a s&all !ro(d of

"eo"le$ They (ere (at!hing and listening to a &an (hose shirt announ!ed his na&e, BernardJa!kson, as he 1a&&ed out a freestyle +ersion of 2Mi!hael Ro( the Boat Ashore,2 singing,

"laying a right red a!ousti! guitar, and, si&ultaneously, &anaging a res"e!tale soft shoe

routine$

Ju&"ing for(ard fro& the !ro(d, to Bernard's side, Max egan to s!at sing in an o"erati!

tenor$ Bernard exe!uted a single, "re!ise "irouette$

I'm a lyin! bastard. I mean, I'll !o ahead and tell you ri!ht now, because you'd probably find

out anyway. I'm a complete liar. 7o anythin! I may have said about the )heory of Forms and me

bein! a Platonist, don't buy it. I didn't mean it. I don't even now if any of that !arba!e aboutcommitment and timin! and !enius and techni0ue is true. It's all "ust speculation. arlon

Brando doesn't even live in )ahiti anymore. (e lives in (ollywood. I'm not sayin! I'm not

worin! on my techni0ue, or tryin! to perfect my timin! once in awhile, but I don't really havemuch faith in it. I mean, It's all mostly "ust luc. )hat's been my e6perience with it. I recon,

however, I recon Brando still listens to a little &harlie Parer when he !ets the chance. I'm no

cynic.

After lea+ing a !he!k in Bernard's guitar !ase, Max "arted fro& the !ro(d and &ade his (ayto a s&all %unan restaurant, ex"ensi+e e+en in &etro"olitan ter&s$ %e (as seated near the

entran!e, fa!ing a (indo( that !o&"osed the entire t(o story front of the uilding$ The di&ness

of the dining roo& and the terrifi! (attage of the streetla&"s that illu&inated the side(alk

outside "rodu!ed, fro& Max's "ers"e!ti+e, the effe!t of !ine&a$ %e fan!ied hi&self alone in hisreali0ation of the fa!t that the "atrons of the restaurant (ere !han!e &e&ers of an audien!e of

not only Bleeker street, ut of a "arti!ular stri" of the uni+erse =a +ie( (hi!h they (ere afforded

due to the Green(i!h ?illage uilding !ode restri!tions on altitude>$ %e ordered a #r$ Pe""erand, 2so&e kind of %unan salad or so&ething$ ee (hat you !an !o&e u" (ith, (hy don't you$2

/&&ediately u"on the arri+al of his #r$ Pe""er, Max, i&"etuously, ut (ithout intentions of

any sort (hatsoe+er, s(e"t his ar& a!ross the surfa!e of the tale and set the drink on its side$ Asthe (aiter rushed to his aid, Max leaned do(n to tie his shoela!e, inas&u!h as it had, at so&e

"oint, !o&e untied$