Well, That Can't Be Right?!#1

Some sketches:“WHY ARE WE...?”“A SUNDAY DRIVE”“CREW CUBED”

“SIMPLY ELECTRIC”

Written by

Paul Fisher

“WHY ARE WE...?”

EXT. BOX OFFICE ON THE STREET - DUSK

An impatient man, RIGSBY, waits at the end of a long queue stemming from a box office. Those in line are abuzz with excitement at the prospect of getting tickets to whatever gross spectacle awaits inside.

A chipper, dapper man in a hat, LANG, joins the line in back of Rigsby. They politely nod to each other, and for several beats after, it looks as though Lang wants something. He taps Rigsby on the shoulder.

RIGSBYYes?

LANGWhy - why are we on this line?

RIGSBY(we?)

We’re, uh, getting tickets.

LANGYes, but why are we getting tickets?

RIGSBYBecause I want to see the show tonight.

He turns back to the line in a huff.

LANGWhy are we getting tickets for this show?

A progressive flustering mounts on Rigsby’s part...

RIGSBYI’m buying tickets for this show, to attend this show, and also, by happenstance, to watch this show.

LANGA brilliant plan, no doubt. But why would we settle on this one?

RIGSBYWe didn’t! I am the one attending.

LANGWell, I am too. Therefore we are. No? Why wouldn’t we use “we?”

RIGSBYI don’t like this at all. How’d this happen...?

LANGWhy are we getting into an argument about it? This was supposed to be a perfectly nice line and I’ve heard wonderful things about the show.

RIGSBYYou just said we settled!

(catches his “we”)Damn... Yes, I’ve heard great things too.

They smile at each other. A few beats...

LANGSee? Now why wouldn’t we have a grand, rip-roaring time?

RIGSBYThere it is again! “We” are not doing anything! “We” aren’t having a grand time. “We” aren’t going to rip-roar. Or doing anything in the sense of “we” that would imply that you and I are doing the same thing together, as a unit. We many, in fact, do a similar act simultaneously, but I am here to tell you that it will in no way be in unison. Never of the same accord. No, sir.

LANGWe don’t have to bicker about it.

RIGSBYWe’re - I’m not!

LANG I believe we are. We’re in a right bust-up about the whole thing.

RIGSBYI don’t believe this.

2.

LANGI thought we’d have a deliciously nice day at the theatre, but no, we have to fuss like we always do.

RIGSBYLike we always do?

LANGAt least we’re admitting it!

RIGSBYThis is inane at this point.

LANGAnd now we’re being insulting! Marvelous! We really should have thought this through. You never behave yourself at the theatre. It’s me, me, me instead of we, we, we. You selfish brute!

Rigsby, offended, slaps Lang across the face. Lang touches its hot, lasting sting.

LANG (CONT’D)Well... We let that get out of hand pretty quickly, didn’t we?

Beat.

RIGSBYOh, fuck off.

3.

“A SUNDAY DRIVE”

INT. VEHICLE - DAY

ERNIE watches while DAVE drives through the countryside. Our POV is through their windshield. A baby doe walks along side.

ERNIEOh, look at that. A little doe.

DAVEThat is... ah. So precious.

He wipes away a single tear.

ERNIEWhat’s that?

DAVEOh, nothing.

ERNIEThat made you weep, didn’t it?

DAVEYes.

ERNIEYour depth is astounding.

DAVEWhy, thank you. You’re too kind.

ERNIEI’m just telling the truth.

A few beats. They stop the automobile.

DAVEDo you see those wild honeysuckles growing up the side of that oak?

ERNIENo! Where?

DAVEJust over there.

He points.

ERNIEOh my! Yes! I’m so glad we did this.

4.

DAVEYes, isn’t it relaxing?

They revel in the moment. It is all too perfect.

PASSENGER (O.C.)What the hell is going on?!

REVEAL: they are actually driving an ambulance, and their PASSENGER lays on a gurney in back with a seeping head wound.

Ernie turns back.

ERNIEWhat’s the trouble, sir?

PASSENGERShouldn’t we be going to the damn hospital?

DAVEWhat’s the rush? Did you even see the honeysuckles? They’re fucking brilliant.

ERNIEDave! Such language. My word.

DAVESorry, but I cannot stand being rushed.

Ernie turns back to the Passenger.

ERNIEYou really shouldn't rush him.

PASSENGERBut my head is bleeding!

DAVEIt’ll still be bleeding when we get to the hospital, not to worry, lad.

Silence.

DAVE (CONT’D)You missed the cutest doe, by the way. Maybe if you weren’t back there feeling sorry for yourself, you’d not have missed the adorableness.

5.

ERNIENo use stewing over the past.

DAVEI just can’t help myself sometimes.

They keep driving. They see a BOY and a FATHER flying a kite. They stop the ambulance.

ERNIEHow magnificent.

DAVESublime. I could stare at it all day.

ERNIECan we?

DAVEI don’t see why not...

PASSENGERBecause my head is bleeding! Isn’t this an ambulance?

DAVEBelieve it or not, cretin, manners still exist within the confines of an ambulance. Dear God.

ERNIETake it easy. It’s a beautiful day.

DAVEWell, I’m tired of the naysayer in back trying to ruin all the fun. If you didn’t want to take a nice drive then why’d you get in?

PASSENGERYou picked me up! It was an emergency call!

DAVEEverything’s race-full-speed-ahead with you. Maybe that’s how you cracked your head in the first place.

ERNIEThat’s a fair point.

6.

PASSENGERI can’t believe this. I’m going to die in this truck!

DAVE(whispering)

Not if I end you first.

ERNIEOh, David. You’re terrible.

DAVEWell, he’s ruining the day!

PASSENGERNo, he is!

DAVEAm not.

PASSENGERAre too.

DAVEOh, who even asked you to split your cranium down the middle? I mean really.

ERNIENow, now, the both of you.

(to passenger)Is it necessary to be so demanding?

(to Dave)And Dave, is it unreasonable that perhaps we should - slowly, mind you, and leisurely, of course - make our way back to the hospital so that our friend-

DAVEHe’s not my friend.

ERNIEYes he is! We’re all friends. Now isn’t it reasonable that we take him back?

DAVEFine...

ERNIEI couldn't hear you.

7.

DAVEYes. Fine.

Ernie looks back to the Passenger who is now unconscious.

ERNIEOh.

DAVEWhat’s the matter? Did I miss an animal?

Ernie touches the Passenger’s neck.

ERNIEIt appears as if... he’s died.

DAVEOh. Who? Him?

He points in back of him.

ERNIEYes.

DAVEI see. He didn’t even see the doe. He didn’t quite understand the moment, did he?

ERNIENo, I’m afraid not.

DAVE...So we are not going back to the hospital?

ERNIENo, not at all.

They sit in silence. A blue jay lands on the hood of the truck.

ERNIE (CONT’D)Oh, will you look at that!

DAVEWhat a cutie!

8.

“CREW CUBED”

INT. TV STUDIO - WHO CARES

EXECUTIVE 1 stands before his small reality TV crew (CAMERAMAN, TECH 1, TECH 2, HOST) and is about to give them some sobering news.

EXECUTIVE 1Look, this isn’t easy to tell you guys but we’re in trouble.

TECH 1Oh, man...

The rest hang their heads.

HOSTWhat kind of trouble?

EXECUTIVE 1I’m not going to sugarcoat it: We’re running out of money.

TECH 1Oh, man....

TECH 2You said that already.

TECH 1I’m stressed out! OK?

EXECUTIVE 1Guys, let’s work together here.

TECH 1Sorry.

TECH 2 Yeah. Sorry.

EXECUTIVE 1So, our budget is almost gone.

TECH 2Is the show done?

HOSTDo we need to find new jobs?

9.

EXECUTIVE 1We did what we could and we came up with a way that we can continue to do the show and pay everybody, but it’s going to take some cooperation from all of you.

CAMERAMAN 1Whatever it is, we’ll obviously do it. We love the show and need the money, so...

EXECUTIVE 1We’re going to do a making-of our show.

Everybody turns to look at everyone else.

TECH 1A making-of a reality show? Isn’t that a little redundant?

EXECUTIVE 1Possibly. Maybe. Yes. But this is what the network has suggested and if you want to keep your job, you’ll have to try to make it work.

TECH 1OK.

A while later a few extra, redundant crew members stand with the group. There’s an extra CAMERAMAN 2 and EXECUTIVE 2.

EXECUTIVE 1Let’s get to work.

EXECUTIVE 2Everybody... Let’s get to work!

Executive 1 looks a little confused, but hey, there are kinks to work out.

CAMERAMAN 1OK, action.

The Host looks at the camera and opens his mouth...

CAMERAMAN 2Action.

The Host stops.

10.

HOSTBut I’m already action-ing.

EXECUTIVE 2Sorry. Our mistake.

EXECUTIVE 1Let’s go again from the top. No problem guys. We’re in this together.

CAMERAMAN 1OK and... action!

HOSTHi, I’m-

CAMERAMAN 2Action!

HOSTAction. No wait. I’m Fred.

EXECUTIVE 1Keep going.

HOSTOK. Um... I’m still Fred-

EXECUTIVE 2Just keep going.

HOSTI’m trying to be Fred.

CAMERAMAN 2Cut!

CAMERAMAN 1Wait. Don’t I cut?

CAMERAMAN 2OK. My mistake again. Please cut.

CAMERAMAN 1I’m not sure we needed a cut.

CAMERAMAN 2Up to you.

CAMERAMAN 1I appreciate that.

11.

HOSTWhat the fuck should Fred actually be doing? Cutting? Going?

The Executives look at each other. Executive 2 defers.

EXECUTIVE 1I think we should go.

EXECUTIVE 2I was going to say cut.

HOSTFred’s going to cut and go.

He walks away.

EXECUTIVE 1OK, everybody, take five. We need to talk.

EXECUTIVE 2I need to talk too. Take ten.

EXECUTIVE 1Don’t do that. You’ll seem more generous.

EXECUTIVE 2Well, if you get five, I get five, as well.

EXECUTIVE 1We can’t share the five?

EXECUTIVE 2Let’s just start over. Obviously this is hard, to split up the responsibilities between two crews. We’ll just follow your lead, since this is your show.

EXECUTIVE 1That’s very reasonable of you.

(to all)Let’s roll!

Everybody comes back and takes their places. Cameraman 2 defers to Cameraman 1.

CAMERAMAN 1And action!

12.

CAMERAMAN 2Action!

HOSTOK... Hi, I’m Fred and I’ll be showing you the inner workings of TV on today’s episode of “How TV works.”

EXECUTIVE 2This isn’t working. Cut.

EXECUTIVE 1I thought I cut.

EXECUTIVE 2I just don’t know anymore.

The two Executives stand there looking at each other, lost. Just then enter EXECUTIVE 3 and CAMERAMAN 3, and they approach our two Execs.

EXECUTIVE 3Hey! We’re the documentary crew.

13.

“SIMPLY ELECTRIC”

INT. HOUSEHOLD - DAY

There’s a KNOCK at the door. MS. PHILBIN opens it. It’s the MAN FROM SIMPLY ELECTRIC

S.E. MANGood morning, Ms. Philbin, I’m from Simply Electric.

He checks his clipboard.

S.E. MAN (CONT’D)Says here you’ve had some issues, and we’re here to check in on you.

MS. PHILBINWonderful. Please come in.

He enters and checks the place out.

S.E. MANA lovely home, Ms. Philbin. Philbin, by the way - any relation?

MS. PHILBIN I have some cousins.

S.E. MAN...Right. Well. Your electricity.

MS. PHILBINYes.

S.E. MANWhere do you keep it?

MS. PHILBINPardon?

S.E. MANYou know. Your electricity.

(starts to condescend)You called, didn’t you?

MS. PHILBINWell, yes, but...

S.E. MANWell, show me what it’s up to, right? I’m supposed to diagnose the issue, not be a mind reader.

14.

MS. PHILBINRight. Well...

S.E. MANForget it. I’ll find it myself.

He pulls from outside the door a violent-looking cudgel.

MS. PHILBINWhat will you do with that?

S.E. MANOh, smash in the wall a little bit.

MS. PHILBINBut why?

S.E. MAN(patronizing)

To find the electricity, because you can’t tell me where it is.

MS. PHILBIN(horrified)

Surely, there must be another way.

He drops the hammer, exasperated. He walks out the door.

MS. PHILBIN (CONT’D)Where are you going?

He walks back as we see him through the doorway. Oh, and he has a Bald Eagle perched on his arm.

MS. PHILBIN (CONT’D)(even more horrified)

What will you do with that?!

S.E. MANYou know “canary in a coal mine?”

MS. PHILBINI suppose...

S.E. MANSame thing here. A Bald Eagle in a power line. It’s how I test them.

The eagle CAWS and takes off...

MS. PHILBINNo!

... As we cut.

15.